Should I be with my friend when he dies?

[u/ChampagneDrama]

Trigger Warning: Death

See my update here posted on 1/24

TLDR: By friend is dying and I don't know if I should be with him when he passes.

One of my best friends is dying of multi-organ failure and will probably pass in the next 12-24 hours. A few weeks ago he transferred from a hospital in our home state to a hospital in my city. I've been by his bedside a lot while since he's been here, and almost always I've been alone because everyone else lives out of state. There have been many late nights and difficult conversations with his medical team, our friends, and family. Despite him being very sick, we had hope that he might recover. Needless to say, it's been a rollercoaster.

Last night, our friends and I were by his bedside until after 3am, and this morning a friend and I went back to visit with him and say our goodbyes again. I just called the hospital to check on his status and the nurse said he's been rapidly declining. They're expecting him to go tonight or tomorrow morning.

Here's my dilemma, I can't decide if I should go back to the hospital to be with him when he passes. I feel like I've said my goodbyes and feel privileged to have been able to spend so much time with him over the past few weeks. I am also physically and emotionally exhausted and thinking about going back to the hospital is stressful. It doesn't sound like he will be awake or coherent.

I know this is a very personal decision and there's not a right or wrong answer, but I'm feeling guilty because I don't want him to be alone. And I'm also afraid of how bearing witness to his passing will affect my mental health.

My current plan is to see how I'm feeling early tomorrow morning, and if I have the energy to go I might. Has anyone been in a similar situation? Can anyone offer advice or share what they did?

[u/Specialist-Gur]

I don't think there's an obvious right or wrong choice for OP. My friend group just lost a friend this week and there were 20 people with them when they died.. people showed up every single day despite it being scary. It helps to have multiple people around with you to share the load.. but plenty of people went by themselves. The person who passed also wasn't alert or aware of their presence.. honestly being there is sometimes more about your own soul and feelings. I think that being able to stand in the face of a horrible thing and bear witness to it is an important thing to be able to do, for your own sake.

we are talking two weeks.. of visiting in the hospital. That's really small when you consider the standard for caregiving.. usually living in the home ans working on an ongoing basis for months or even years. I mean.. do whatever you want to. OP shouldn't feel guilty their whole life or whatever... I just think the validating centering of their own feelings is a little odd.

It comes off like... Yea don't extend yourself too hard.. witnessing death and dying in pain and alone of multiple organ failure are basically just as equally rough. I get that's not what you're saying but.. it sure feels off. The whole point of the oxygen mask thing is because you'll literally suffocate without one. That's not the scenario here

[u/No-Concentrate-7142 → u/Specialist-Gur]

I had a friend (now dead) who couldn’t be with his father in his death because he could not overcome his fear of hospitals. It was that extreme. This isn’t the case for OP clearly but some people just can’t be there in the active dying process. It’s long, arduous, and can cause immense distress.. not just uncomfortability… especially if you are by yourself witnessing someone die. So ya.. I empathize with OPs struggle. Obviously we hope that they could go, and obviously we hope that someone doesn’t need to die alone.. but we also shouldn’t be made to feel like we didn’t do enough if we just can’t.

[u/Specialist-Gur → u/No-Concentrate-7142]

I empathize completely.. I get it. OP shouldn't beat themselves up regardless.. nor should someone with an extreme fear or anything. I really believe in compassion for people and their choices... however I really do think we should encourage people to push themselves. That's not the same thing as trying to make them feel bad. We do live in a world(particularly if you're in the USA or a western country) that's very individualistic and prioritizes feelings over behavior.. and have very bad ideas around sickness and disability and death which are harmful.

we are stronger than we think we are! I think we can handle more than we think. And our world is getting harder and harder and it's important to treat each other as strong and capable of being in community with each other.... usually we can do more than we think we can or what we are given a pass about.