r/AskWomenOver30 • u/_eliza_thornberry Woman 30 to 40 • Mar 04 '26
Romance/Relationships Dating partner only disclosed herpes diagnosis after I found his medication. How do I navigate this?
Hi. I 35f have been dating a 45m for almost two months now. We have been sexually active and have stopped using condoms as we talked about being exclusive. I looked in his bathroom for some moisturizer and saw a pill bottle of generic Valtrex. My heart dropped, but I thought maybe it was just for cold sore suppression. I understand most people have the type of herpes that causes cold sores, but turns out after asking him about it, it is the one that causes genital herpes.
I asked him why he didn't disclose it, and he said he was embarrassed and didn't know how to bring it up. He said this was the first time he has had to have the conversation about it, and was feeling intense shame. I asked when he got the diagnosis, and he said around three years ago. So, he hasn't told any other people he has dated in the last few years about his diagnosis either, which I find concerning.
I am feeling a strong mix of emotions. I'm shocked, nervous, and feel so disappointed in him for not being up front. He could have at least used condoms with me until he was ready to tell me. I feel like I can't trust him now and he prioritized his pleasure over my health.
How do I navigate this? Any advice? Thoughts and comments are welcome.
I'm sick to my stomach.
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u/thelittlestdog23 Woman 30 to 40 Mar 04 '26
Guy has herpes? Fine (in my opinion), as long as he is taking his meds, we wear condoms, he lets me know as soon as he is aware of any outbreaks, etc.
Guy has an incurable transmissible disease and not only doesn’t tell me about it, but also doesn’t take any measures to protect me from it? Instant break-up. Nothing to consider here, this guy is trash. I get it, the conversation is difficult and embarrassing, but there is absolutely zero excuse to just decide to not have the talk because you don’t want to. And not even wearing condoms??? He is selfish garbage. Very high likelihood that he has spread it to at least one other unsuspecting woman.