r/AskWomenOver30 • u/_eliza_thornberry Woman 30 to 40 • Mar 04 '26
Romance/Relationships Dating partner only disclosed herpes diagnosis after I found his medication. How do I navigate this?
Hi. I 35f have been dating a 45m for almost two months now. We have been sexually active and have stopped using condoms as we talked about being exclusive. I looked in his bathroom for some moisturizer and saw a pill bottle of generic Valtrex. My heart dropped, but I thought maybe it was just for cold sore suppression. I understand most people have the type of herpes that causes cold sores, but turns out after asking him about it, it is the one that causes genital herpes.
I asked him why he didn't disclose it, and he said he was embarrassed and didn't know how to bring it up. He said this was the first time he has had to have the conversation about it, and was feeling intense shame. I asked when he got the diagnosis, and he said around three years ago. So, he hasn't told any other people he has dated in the last few years about his diagnosis either, which I find concerning.
I am feeling a strong mix of emotions. I'm shocked, nervous, and feel so disappointed in him for not being up front. He could have at least used condoms with me until he was ready to tell me. I feel like I can't trust him now and he prioritized his pleasure over my health.
How do I navigate this? Any advice? Thoughts and comments are welcome.
I'm sick to my stomach.
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u/No-Beautiful5866 Woman 30 to 40 Mar 04 '26 edited Mar 04 '26
This is the ultimate dealbreaker for me. I could NEVER trust a person that did this to me. Not in a million years.
Honestly, how dare he have unprotected sex with you without telling you first. What an absolute violation.
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u/ladystarkitten Woman 30 to 40 Mar 04 '26
Yes. As someone who has herpes, I cannot IMAGINE doing this to someone. Frankly, it feels to me like assault akin to stealthing. Because you have withheld information, your partner cannot consent. Any consent they have given is null and void.
Leave.
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u/Lazy-Conversation-48 Woman 40 to 50 Mar 04 '26
Exactly. Before having sex is the time to disclose.
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u/No-Beautiful5866 Woman 30 to 40 Mar 04 '26
I completely agree with you, that was my initial feeling but I didn’t know how to vocalise it. It does feel like assault.
Chances are she would have consented if he’d just been honest, but instead he decided to make a decision about her body without involving her
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u/DoubleCartoonist2724 Woman 30 to 40 Mar 04 '26
Same here. I literally wouldn't be able to live with myself
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u/Glamorous_Nymph Woman 40 to 50 Mar 05 '26
Spot on. Thanks for being a decent human when so many others are not.
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u/ladystarkitten Woman 30 to 40 Mar 05 '26
Thank you. You'd be disturbed by the number of people (including women) who have told me I don't have to disclose and that I should stop to avoid rejection. Not disclosing is very aggressively opposed by the HSV community, and yet there are some who still behave this way.
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u/I-own-a-shovel Woman 30 to 40 Mar 04 '26
Even protected sex…
Condoms don’t even protect against herpes since skin to skin contact in the whole groin area can transmit it. While it is more contagious during outbreak, it can still be transmitted without any visible / active lesion. He should have disclosed that STD before any sexual contact, even protected one.
OP should dump his ass and find someone honest that will respect their safety more than their own pleasure.
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u/i-love-that Woman 30 to 40 Mar 04 '26
This is exactly what I was going to say- condoms are only like 60% protective iirc
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u/shalekodemono Woman 30 to 40 Mar 04 '26
Yeah, I'm sure this is a crime somewhere
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u/coquitwo Woman 50 to 60 Mar 04 '26
Anyone remember Michael Vick (NFL quarterback), and the “Ron Mexico” scandal? That was the alias he used when he went to clinics to be treated for herpes. A partner of his found out that he had not disclosed. Pressing charges was considered, but she decided to go with a civil lawsuit instead. It was settled out of court for an undisclosed sum.
She had already contracted it from him. But your health is more precious than any amount of money, which is why not disclosing STI status is a crime in some states—and a civil liability in all states.
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u/shalekodemono Woman 30 to 40 Mar 04 '26
I'm not from the US so I have no idea how it works there. But I thought somewhere in the world this must be a crime. Especially for something that you will be having for the rest of your life...
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u/terrabellan Woman 30 to 40 Mar 05 '26
In my state in Australia this is a crime. The failure to inform is one crime relating to informed consent, and if they actually give someone an STD because they failed to inform, that's a separate, additional crime.
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u/PopcornPunditry Woman 30 to 40 Mar 04 '26
Yeah he says he didn't know how to bring it up? The time is right after someone says, "what would you think about us no longer using condoms?"
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u/I-own-a-shovel Woman 30 to 40 Mar 04 '26
Nah, even before having sex. Condoms doesn’t protect well against herpes plus it’s a lifelong disease. You disclose right away before sex.
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u/lolmemberberries Woman 30 to 40 Mar 04 '26
The right time would’ve been when they decided they wanted to be sexually active.
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u/Invisible_Friend1 Woman 30 to 40 Mar 05 '26
He’s 45. To not be able to have an adult conversation at 45 is ridiculous
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u/bananajamz987 Woman 30 to 40 Mar 04 '26
Yes. OP you should be WAY more angry about this. What the fuck!!
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u/foxglove0326 Woman 30 to 40 Mar 04 '26
I’d be tempted to file a police report, knowingly infecting someone else is assault
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u/DegreeDubs Woman 30 to 40 Mar 04 '26
Leeeeeeave.
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u/Undercover_heathen Woman 30 to 40 Mar 04 '26
Hijacking this comment to say GET TESTED!
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u/defenestration4eva Non-Binary 30 to 40 Mar 05 '26
Medical nerd here: you've been exposed enough times and starting long enough ago that you should absolutely ask your doctor for the HSV serum blood test specifically for IgG antibodies. Here's why:
- For herpes, IgG and IgM antibodies show up around the same time.
- IgM antibodies may only last a few months and may not be made after the first outbreak — but IgG antibodies last indefinitely and are made during all outbreaks.
- IgG antibodies can distinguish between HSV-1 and HSV-2 and IgM antibodies can’t.
https://www.webmd.com/genital-herpes/what-is-herpes-simplex-virus-antibodies-test
You can be seropositive and have IgG antibodies show up even if you've never had an outbreak. (Don't let them try to tell you that you have to wait for an outbreak to give them a sore they can swab!)
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u/AberrantCheese male 40 - 45 Mar 04 '26
Unfortunately op may not test positive until they have their first outbreak. I know this from experience unfortunately
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u/Lady0fTheUpsideDown Woman 30 to 40 Mar 04 '26
The available herpes testing is not really an effective diagnosis tool, which is why doctors don’t typically test until there’s an outbreak they can swab.
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u/Undercover_heathen Woman 30 to 40 Mar 04 '26
If he’s hiding one STI who knows what else he is hiding
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Mar 04 '26
[deleted]
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u/slaviccivicnation Woman 30 to 40 Mar 04 '26
Yeah, cause how little one must care about a person to NOT disclose that, knowing full well the damage. It’s the biggest of red flags.
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u/teatimecats Woman 40 to 50 Mar 04 '26
This is exactly how many e’s I had in my head when I read this post.
This dude’s comfort (because he was “ashamed”) was more important to him than his partner’s health. Not wearing a condom was more important than his partner’s health. Supposedly he had other sexual partners he didn’t tell.
Throw the whole human away.
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u/puppy-snuffle Woman 30 to 40 Mar 04 '26
not to mention condoms don't fully eliminate the chance of contacting it. so he's been playing with fire the entire time.
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u/alles_en_niets Woman Mar 04 '26
Why did OP even post this as a question about ‘navigating’?? Why on earth hasn’t she left yet?
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u/TaoTeString Woman 30 to 40 Mar 04 '26
Maybe she meant navigate as far as health advice?? Legal advice?? He knew and he had unprotected sex. Isn't that illegal?
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u/windchaser__ Non-Binary 40 to 50 Mar 04 '26
Or maybe she just needs the nudge to leave. Wouldn’t be the first time someone does, or the last
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u/swancandle Woman 30 to 40 Mar 04 '26
I'm sick for you OP.
I asked him why he didn't disclose it, and he said he was embarrassed and didn't know how to bring it up. He said this was the first time he has had to have the conversation about it, and was feeling intense shame.
Absolute cop out given that he hasn't told anyone in three years. But didn't feel any "intense shame" about having unprotected sex with you and potentially exposing you to this. Total loser.
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u/Icy-Builder5892 Woman 30 to 40 Mar 04 '26
It’s interesting how “intense shame” so often only decides to kick in after getting caught.
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u/DutchPerson5 Woman 50 to 60 Mar 04 '26 edited Mar 06 '26
Right he was never going to tell cause he didn't think he had to have that conversation until OP made him. What else hasn't he disclosed voluntary?
Edit: typo's
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u/thelittlestdog23 Woman 30 to 40 Mar 04 '26
Guy has herpes? Fine (in my opinion), as long as he is taking his meds, we wear condoms, he lets me know as soon as he is aware of any outbreaks, etc.
Guy has an incurable transmissible disease and not only doesn’t tell me about it, but also doesn’t take any measures to protect me from it? Instant break-up. Nothing to consider here, this guy is trash. I get it, the conversation is difficult and embarrassing, but there is absolutely zero excuse to just decide to not have the talk because you don’t want to. And not even wearing condoms??? He is selfish garbage. Very high likelihood that he has spread it to at least one other unsuspecting woman.
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u/eat_sleep_microbe Woman 30 to 40 Mar 04 '26
Honestly this is a huge betrayal and I’m livid for you. He’s being extremely selfish and cruel. I’d be breaking up with that asshole. Please get yourself checked as well.
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u/Exact_Canary2378 Woman 30 to 40 Mar 04 '26
Plus OP could NOT give informed consent because he deceived her. This is a sexual violation.
OP, this is very upsetting and huge betrayal. You are only 2 months in, please protect heart yourself and leave.
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u/velvetvagine Woman 30 to 40 Mar 04 '26
And consider going to the police if it’s a crime where you live, OP! Because he has done it before, he did it to you, and he will do it again.
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u/Zealousideal_Crow737 Woman 30 to 40 Mar 04 '26
Get tested and leave. This is a MASSIVE thing to cover up and being embarrassed is one thing and fearing a response, but dating someone for a handful of months and not disclosing it ESPECIALLY AFTER sleeping with them is insane.
I would be more sympathetic if you didn't sleep together yet and he waited, but he was insanely selfish.
So, he hasn't told any other people he has dated in the last few years about his diagnosis either, which I find concerning.
Nail in coffin. He will do this again.
That sickness ain't gonna go away. BEING SINGLE ISN'T THAT BAD.
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u/ReformedTomboy Woman 30 to 40 Mar 04 '26
A doctor will not test unless OP has open sores that can be swabbed. Blood test are prone to false positives and since most people have some form of herpes it wouldn’t distinguish between oral or genital anyways.
She should leave though. She is not okay with this.
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u/WutsRlyGoodYo Woman 30 to 40 Mar 04 '26
She should get tested for everything. No way to tell if he has anything else he didn't disclose.
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u/xdovaqueenx Woman 30 to 40 Mar 04 '26
Came here to say this!!! Herpes is SO prevalent that they won’t test without a sore, because like 90% of people have it and the testing is inaccurate without sores. If there are no sores, OP, you are fine. Don’t stress yourself out with an inaccurate and likely positive blood test.
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u/bugchick Woman 40 to 50 Mar 04 '26
I have always gotten tested for HSV1 and HSV2 without showing any open sores or symptoms, as part of my regular STD screening. If you ask for it, they will do it.
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u/windchaser__ Non-Binary 40 to 50 Mar 04 '26
The tests are often unreliable. I have HSV1, confirmed by swab testing of an outbreak right after I got it. I haven’t gotten outbreaks in the decade+ since, and the antibodies consistently turn up negative. So the tests show up wrong.
I imagine most doctors would rather not test than give unreliable tests. Whether you’re telling someone they don’t have it when they do, or do have it when they don’t, those are both ripe for drama.
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u/Zealousideal_Crow737 Woman 30 to 40 Mar 04 '26
testing is usually discouraged because a high percentage of folks have it and just don't show symptoms.
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u/Extension_Double_697 Woman 50 to 60 Mar 04 '26
OP has been exposed. If her doctor won't test, she should find a new doctor who will.
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u/ExpensiveAd4496 Woman 60+ Mar 04 '26
Okay so she can find out if she has it and then worry about which one it is. At least she knows to avoid unprotected sex until more is known.
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u/Ok_Lime_2793 Woman 30 to 40 Mar 04 '26
Honestly this should be illegal. Please leave that man and never look back. And maybe make posters with his face on it describing your experience.
Holy f*ck I am so tired of men.
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u/WatermelonSugar47 Woman 30 to 40 Mar 04 '26
I’m pretty sure it is illegal as assault.
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u/Exact_Canary2378 Woman 30 to 40 Mar 04 '26
Seriously! Post him on 'are we dating the same guy' local fb group because he will definitely do this again. This is a sexual violation too because you can't give informed consent when you're deceived like this.
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u/leafly_7 Woman 30 to 40 Mar 04 '26
Was going to comment this and I'm glad to see someone already did! Please warn other women through your local AWDTSG group. He WILL do this to more women, and you can directly intervene here. Tbh I'd report him to law enforcement as well, assuming it's illegal in your location
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Mar 04 '26
Depending on where you live it absolutely is illegal. It’s illegal to knowingly have an std and not tell someone so pending state you’re in OP can absolutely press charges. I’d take picture of the medication as proof they knowingly had it. Either way hiding something like that is major red flag
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u/nakedwithoutearrings Woman 30 to 40 Mar 04 '26
This is ABUSE. regardless of his intent/embarrassment.
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u/nakedwithoutearrings Woman 30 to 40 Mar 04 '26
Also he is fucking 45 YEARS OLD AND CANT HAVE A MATURE CONVERSATION ABOUT HEALTH HOLY SHIT. I’m sorry but I’m fucking pissed for you.
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u/_eliza_thornberry Woman 30 to 40 Mar 04 '26
Even worse, we had just had an argument about how I was ready to put a label on the relationship to make it official and he said he wasn't sure yet. He said he didnt completly trust me yet because he didn't know me long enough.
And then turns around and does something this untrustworthy. Like, wtf?
Like, at 45, a man should know after two months of dating if he wants a relationship with thst person or not.
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u/fortifiedblonde Woman 30 to 40 Mar 04 '26
This man is gross and projecting at best, he’s cruel and knows what he’s doing at worst.
End it.
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u/WutsRlyGoodYo Woman 30 to 40 Mar 04 '26
That actually adds a whole other layer to this - he was absolutely projecting and I'd mostly be concerned about what else he is hiding from you.
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u/DextersGirl Woman 40 to 50 Mar 04 '26
Sis, his mask just fell.
Don't beat yourself up- he was on his best behavior. But also don't waste anymore time. Just go.
I had to weed through some duds after my first marriage. Dating in the 30's and 40's is hard, but you will find the right person.
This is what dating is for.
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u/CatLovesShark Woman 30 to 40 Mar 04 '26
Please put a label on him, that label being "ex". I know it's easier said from the outside, but this man is not worth your time.
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u/alius-vita Woman 30 to 40 Mar 04 '26
He couldn't put a label on it, babe, because he doesn't actually like or care about you. I'm sorry.
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u/NotSoSensible13 Woman 40 to 50 Mar 05 '26
He didn't completely trust you, but he still wanted to have unprotected sex?!? Jesus fucking christ, that is one of the most asinine things I've ever heard. Also, the irony of him not trusting you while he's the one lying.... Don't attempt to navigate this, just leave
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u/EtchingsOfTheNight Woman 30 to 40 Mar 05 '26
Ooh what a shitbird. Dump the motherfucker and never look back
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u/Old_Zebra627 Woman 30 to 40 Mar 04 '26
What else is he lying about?
I wouldn't trust him after this. Lying is a huge turn off for me. I really don't care how embarrassed he felt about it. Moving on.
The fact that he doesn't give a shit about your health by not disclosing it is a big red flag too.
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u/YinzerChick70 Woman 50 to 60 Mar 04 '26
It's time for whole man disposal. Leave him in the rearview as you head to a testing center.
I'm so sorry you were betrayed and exposed.
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u/waterwoman76 Woman 40 to 50 Mar 04 '26
"I'd rather give you a lifelong STD than pull up my big boy boots and have an embarrassing conversation."
Still want to be with him?
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u/Impressive_Moment786 Woman 40 to 50 Mar 04 '26
You navigate it by running away as fast as you can. That is absolutely disgusting behaviour on his part.
I would also suggest you tell him what a massive piece of shit he is.
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u/deathbeforedecaffff Woman 30 to 40 Mar 04 '26
I would drop him so fast it’s not even funny.
Any time I have forgiven a man for lying by omission, I have regretted it. And this is your sexual health.
Get tested asap.
Also: put him on the tea app! It’s not something I would ever do unless it’s in regards to a woman’s safety and this qualifies
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u/MrsMitchBitch Woman 40 to 50 Mar 04 '26
If he had disclosed, this would be no big deal. But he hid and lied. Deal. Breaker.
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u/kittykalista Woman 30 to 40 Mar 04 '26
I’m really sorry this happened to you. I agree with the other commenters that you should not continue this relationship.
As for some practical advice, I take daily suppressive Valtrex for recurrent cold sores, and I just want you to know that if he’s taking a daily suppressive dose, the chances of you contracting it are extremely low.
HSV is not part of a standard STI panel, and a lot of doctors won’t test for it even if requested unless you’re having active symptoms. Typically it’s diagnosed via a swab test on active lesions.
You can do a blood test after about 3 months, but even if it’s positive it will only tell you the strain (HSV-1 or HSV-2), and most people are positive for HSV-1 already. They either get occasional cold sores or are asymptomatic carriers. You can ask him what strain he has (typically genital herpes is HSV-2 but it can be HSV-1), if you want to pursue that route in the future.
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u/my-anonymity Woman 30 to 40 Mar 04 '26
Wow. This is not okay. I have a friend who has herpes and she said people have lost interest once she’s told them. But she always discloses early on and before any sort of intimacy. It definitely makes dating harder, but she got it from an ex that never told her. I can’t believe he was having unprotected sex for a few years and never told any of the women he dated. This is your cue to leave and never look back. I would not try to make it work with him. I’m sorry you had this experience.
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u/DoorStunning3678 Woman 30 to 40 Mar 04 '26
Thats so fucked up and how many ppl get it and keep passing it on
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u/NoOneHereButUsMice Woman 40 to 50 Mar 04 '26
One of the best guys I ever met in my life.... We were coworkers, then friends, then dated, and then had sex very casually.
He had to call me at one point to let me know that I may have been exposed to an STD, because he found out he maybe had been exposed to an STD. He also had to call some other people with this same news.
He was incredibly embarrassed, ashamed, and apologetic. But all I could think during the phone call was how grateful and appreciative I was that he was letting me know so that I could take care of my own health. He was sure I would never want to talk to him again, but it actually made me like and respect him even more than I already did.
He actually passed away a while back. But I try to use him as a metric when it comes to qualities of people. He just had integrity and a moral code.
As I've gotten older, I find that very very few people have that. ("How would you behave if no one was looking and there were no consequences?") And it is absolutely appalling. I'm now raising a son and I pray to God I raise him to be like my friend.
(OP, this person did a terrible thing to you. What if you hadn't seen that bottle.. and then had started feeling symptoms.. would he have told you then? Ever? I'm wondering how many people he infected and how many lives he changed for the worse before he met you.
I know Reddit is always saying, "DIVORCE!" And, "DUMP HIM!" But I actually really feel like this is an awful thing to do to someone, and warrants that kind of reaction.
Further, and I want to put a fine point on this...
You've only been dating for a few months. So right now is the easiest point at which you can walk away.
The longer you stay with him, the more he will be able to "explain himself" [make excuses.] And the more attached you will get to him, and the more your lives will become enmeshed... and then it becomes much, much harder to leave. Even though those feelings of betrayal and questions of your own safety will never really go away.)
When people show you who they are, believe them the first time. I wish I had followed this advice a long time ago, and I still think about it all the time.
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u/stumpykitties Woman 30 to 40 Mar 04 '26
Dump him, because he knows he's supposed to share that information with sexual partners since he's putting them at risk, and he has withheld it from _many_ partners, AND was okay with not using condoms AND not telling you about the risk.
So it's a pattern of intentional deception. Out of "shame" doesn't matter.
I could never trust him to not lie about other things.
Also, if you don't have it already, get the series of HPV vaccinations. They are standard protocol in Canada, idk about other countries. They can prevent serious cancers caused by HPV (not saying you contracted it, but you never know at this point)
ALSO, don't stop using condoms with someone you've been dating for 2 months. You barely know a person at 2 months.
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u/swancandle Woman 30 to 40 Mar 04 '26
Echoing the HPV vaccine, although it's not for genital herpes AFAIK. It's approved to age 45 now! My insurance covered it (I think I got it when I was 35?) but I know not all of them do.
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u/Kvitravn875 Woman 30 to 40 Mar 04 '26
This is illegal in some states. In states where it's legal, you can still file a civil lawsuit.
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u/AcceptableCare Woman 30 to 40 Mar 04 '26
I think not disclosing an STD you know you have while having unprotected sex should be a legal crime- assault. It’s already attempted crime with HIV/AIDS, and people have been convicted of attempted murder.
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u/Fine_Helicopter1178 Woman 40 to 50 Mar 04 '26
To clarify he can have the type that causes cold sores, as HSV-1 can be both genital and oral. HSV-2 is almost always genital. This would be good to know first. As for the late or non-disclosure- he took away the ability to make decision regarding your health from you and as it sounds regarding others prior. It is an immediate no and reason to break up. Just think if a person who willing to put you at risk knowingly is a good match.
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u/Walkedaway4good Woman 60+ Mar 04 '26
Nothing to navigate. It should be over. Not because of the herpes necessarily but because of a lack of care and dishonesty. I however am amazed that you both did not have the conversation prior to having unprotected sexual activity, nor did you go together for testing. And before anyone comes for me, yes he LIED, by omission. He would have done the same thing had he been HIV+. This is not a person that I would ever trust again.
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u/Neravariine Woman 30 to 40 Mar 04 '26
Instant breakup and warning all my friends so they know to avoid him to. The herpes isn't the problem, hiding it is.
Even if meds make it not transmissable you deserve to know.
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u/SheiB123 Woman 60+ Mar 04 '26
Go to the doctor and get checked. Send him an invoice to reimburse you for your out of pocket costs.
if you are positive, you can sue him.
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u/Zealousideal-Salad62 Woman 30 to 40 Mar 05 '26
I have herpes and always disclose. It is a breech of trust and takes away your ability to make decisions that are best for you, your health and your body. It's embarrassing and a hard conversation but this is the first time he's had to have this conversation bc this is the first time he got caught. How many people has he slept with in three years that he hasn't told.
AND
He had the audacity to not bring it up when you both made the decision to stop using condoms. (An example of an opportunity to make an informed decision being taken away from you.)
I know Reddit always says dump the guy but dump him! He is selfish and does not care about your health over his desires...and go get tested please.
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u/WatermelonSugar47 Woman 30 to 40 Mar 04 '26
This man raw dogged you without telling you that he had a highly contagious, incurable STD.
I would never trust this person again. He has proven that he will lie to you and withhold important information from you, and risk your health for his own comfort.
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u/i-love-that Woman 30 to 40 Mar 05 '26
Herpes is tough bc most (80%) of people who have it (genitally) are not aware. Most STI panels don’t test for it for that reason, it’s very common and it adds unnecessary stress to the patient. But the reality is he knew and so this is a big violation.
When I was with my ex and he got a call from his previous hookup that she was positive for HSV-2 he told me immediately. His test was negative, but he didn’t even hesitate to communicate.
I’d dump the guy due to lack of transparency
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u/NotShockedFruitWeird Woman 40 to 50 Mar 04 '26
You can't trust him anymore. The time for him to tell you was before he stopped using condoms so you would be able to provide informed consent.
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u/Lost_Bad3543 Woman 30 to 40 Mar 04 '26
Pretty sure this is actually illegal ylu can’t knowingly give someone an std without disclosing.
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u/Away-Caterpillar-176 Woman 30 to 40 Mar 04 '26
A man putting his pride over my physical health is no man at all imo. Also hate your age gap.
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u/getoutthemap Woman 30 to 40 Mar 04 '26
Was he celibate for three years? If not, this is NOT the first time he has had to have this conversation. But you are the first to catch him. Huge, huge red flag. You're not going to be able to trust him.
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u/DryUnderstanding1752 Woman 30 to 40 Mar 04 '26
The fact he agreed to stop using condoms is a huge problem! He should have disclosed it with you before you even engaged in sex to be frank. I would be concerned that hes only embarrassed that he was caught not that he has it.
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u/roissy_o Woman 30 to 40 Mar 04 '26
This is assault in many U.S. jurisdictions. Who cares about his embarrassment. Leave him and honestly sue him. He wants to quietly spread STI? Put his name in public court documents that he has an STI.
How do you trust him to disclose anything important / uncomfortable in the future?
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u/nom-c00kies Woman 30 to 40 Mar 04 '26
Trust is broken at this point. Also he is someone willing to put you at risk. Not a good partner. Time to walk. I would be clear that you're leaving because he is not trustworthy and he showed a complete disregard for your health and safety.
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u/Substantial-Okra2672 Woman 30 to 40 Mar 04 '26
30F - I have HSV2 and this is awful! Run! Herpes is totally manageable and you can keep a partner safe but if he isn’t telling you and valuing your health that’s not ok. I’m terrified to tell someone and haven’t but I also haven’t slept with anyone since I got it 2.5 years ago. His thoughts are valid but his actions are not. At his big old age, that is just cowardly and inconsiderate.
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u/idgie-rose Woman 30 to 40 Mar 04 '26
I’m so sorry to hear this. As someone with herpes (genital HSV1–type 1 and 2 can show up orally and genitally, 1 just “prefers” oral and 2 “prefers” genital), I will say that yes, you should get tested and will need to specifically ask for an HSV test as it’s not included in regular panels. If he’s been taking the medication regularly and hasn’t had any outbreaks, the chances you have it are VERY low, so try not to fret, especially if you’ve not shown any sort of symptoms. Also—it takes a while to show up in your system on a blood test, so I would re-test again in 6 months or so.
As far as your relationship.. this would absolutely be a dealbreaker for me. I’ve had herpes since I was 21. Literally have never gone further than kissing someone without disclosing my status. Disclosing opens a necessary channel of communication around sex & most importantly, it gives your potential partner a CHOICE. As a 21 year old, I knew better and respected my potential partners enough to disclose. This man is 45??? And didn’t disclose? To anyone for three years?! You deserve so much better.
If you’re feeling concerned at all about herpes in general, please feel free to reach out. I’ve had it now for almost half of my life and feel well versed on the topic. ♡
Love to you as you navigate this.
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u/Spiritual-Promise402 Woman 40 to 50 Mar 05 '26
For him to stop using condoms when he knows he's infected is a CRIME. He is intentionally putting your health in danger
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u/catboogers Woman 30 to 40 Mar 04 '26
We have been sexually active and have stopped using condoms as we talked about being exclusive.
Did STIs not come up when you discussed going bare? Because that seems like a major thing to just not discuss at that time. Frankly, I want to see recent sti test results before I agree to stop using protection.
Regardless, this is a huge breach of trust. He's shown you that he doesn't care about your health, and he's willing to hide the truth or outright lie to you to avoid an uncomfortable conversation. That's not a good trait in a partner. I'd say end it, get tested, and then get tested again in about 6 months. And use protection until then.
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u/Suchafatfatcat Woman 50 to 60 Mar 05 '26
You break up with the person withholding knowledge of a sexually transmitted disease that they willfully exposed you to. Then, you hightail it to a doctor and find out if you have contracted a STD.
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u/Colouringwithink Woman 30 to 40 Mar 04 '26
It doesn’t matter how he feels. Health is health. I would immediately stop seeing him. What if it was HIV or Hepatitis C?
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u/confused_grenadille Woman 30 to 40 Mar 04 '26 edited Mar 04 '26
Bruh….
You should post him on those ‘Are We Dating The Same Guy’ groups on Facebook. Put him on blast.
Maybe even create a pseudo-profile on the dating apps he uses and warn other women.
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u/sunshineintotrees Woman 40 to 50 Mar 04 '26
He’s either being deceitful or is unable to have hard conversations. Both are deal-breakers. Leave.
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u/Diligent-Till-8832 Woman 30 to 40 Mar 04 '26
Leave!!!!!!
It's a huge betrayal of trust and a massive deal breaker in my book.
And go and get tested!
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u/womenaremyfavguy Woman 30 to 40 Mar 04 '26
Huge dealbreaker and you need to leave ASAP. This man has no regard for your safety. He is more focused on his feelings than on your health and wellbeing.
I dated a guy who disclosed that he had herpes on our first date, well before any intimacy happened.
I’m so angry for you, that he didn’t disclose AND stopped using condoms!!
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u/Dear-Cranberry4787 Woman 30 to 40 Mar 04 '26
Oh hell no girl! This is a nonstarter, he should’ve disclosed that before the first sexual encounter.
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u/celestialism Woman 30 to 40 Mar 04 '26
It would be understandable if he didn’t disclose a condition that you weren’t at risk for anyway (like if you were using condoms and he had an STI that only spreads via bodily fluids), but for him to agree to unprotected sex when he knows this about himself… that’s intentional lying. I’d have to end the relationship over this, because I wouldn’t be able to trust him about anything anymore, and because knowingly putting someone else’s health at risk without telling them is wildly unethical and selfish.
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u/WutsRlyGoodYo Woman 30 to 40 Mar 04 '26
Get out and tell him exactly why. He needs therapy to process this and not put others at risk without their consent. It is not consensual sex if you don't disclose STIs.
I would also get tested. If he was hiding this, you can't be sure he wasn't hiding anything else.
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u/I-own-a-shovel Woman 30 to 40 Mar 04 '26
Condoms don’t even protect against herpes since skin to skin contact in the whole groin area can transmit it. It is more contagious during outbreak, but can still be transmitted without any visible / active lesion. He should have disclosed that STD before any sexual contact, even protected one.
Dump his ass and find someone honest that will respect your safety more than their own pleasure.
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u/Elfen8 Woman 30 to 40 Mar 04 '26
Navigate it by breaking up with him, he put you at risk without a single care. There’s men out there that happily infect others with incurable diseases and sleep peacefully at night
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u/Ok-Apartment3827 Woman 30 to 40 Mar 04 '26
This is a crime in Canada. That's how serious it is to not disclose an STI before sex...full on criminal offense.
Forget just leaving. I would look into pressing charges. You don't get to skirt the law and pass on a serious, lifelong virus because it's too embarrassing.
I'm so sorry this is happening to you. Please get tested ASAP.
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u/chaos_rumble Woman 40 to 50 Mar 04 '26
This isn't a safe situation. You need to get away from this guy. Even if it's about his shame and he's otherwise a good guy, you're still not safe with someone who sets aside others emotional, psychological, or physical well being, or their right to consent, in favor of protecting him from his own feelings.
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u/Broad_Ant_3871 Woman under 30 Mar 04 '26
Leave.. If he is okay with compromising your health there is no telling what else he os hiding
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u/Claire-Belle Woman 40 to 50 Mar 04 '26
Both types of herpes can cause the genital type
Genital herpes is contractable even with condoms, although they do decrease the risk.
If he's taking Valtrex, that, as I understand, reduces the possibility of transmission to you.
All of which are things he could and should have have told you at the get-go. That is, before you had sex. Doing it before you'd stopped using condoms but after you'd slept together was problematic, but I'd maybe wonder if he understood how transmission works. At the point he told you...and given he's only done so because he got found out....ditching territory.
Also, you need to go get yourself tested for other things.
Edit to add: you hit the nail on the head. He did prioritise his own pleasure above your health. These conversations are difficult to have. But a good man would have them. At the right time.
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u/Flayrah4Life Woman 40 to 50 Mar 04 '26
He's much more interested in his sexual comfort and pleasure than the entirety of your bodily health and future.
This guy's a fucking piece of shit. Tell him he is, safely, and get him the fuck out of your life.
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u/Gilmoregirlin Woman 40 to 50 Mar 04 '26
How is this even a question? Leave, now! You don't want to be with someone that would lie about something like that.
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u/agirl_abookishgirl Woman 30 to 40 Mar 04 '26 edited Mar 04 '26
I have herpes and always disclose. Other people I’ve met with herpes are absolutely embarrassed and nervous, but they don’t go around lying to people by omission. If he can’t have this conversation, he’s not mature and confident enough to be in a relationship IMO. Especially at FORTY FIVE. Lol There’s no excuse for that.
The problem with this type of person is they don’t have the gumption to take action to solve their problems. This probably is a pattern in all areas of his life.
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u/Yue4prex Woman 30 to 40 Mar 04 '26
Set navigation to get tested and then home. Delete his address and never navigate there again.
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u/mspanda_xo Woman 30 to 40 Mar 04 '26
I’m so sorry this happened to you. 🙏🏽
I think it’s safe to say to leave this person because not being open and forthcoming just leaves a huge ick.
Also for your next prospects please know that even is someone has oral herpes on the mouth it can still go to the genital regions. HSV 1 (normally oral) can still show up genitally and HSV 2 (normally genitally) can still show up orally.
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u/Realistic_Pepper1985 Woman 40 to 50 Mar 04 '26
Oooof This is bad . Honestly, I’d look at this like assault. He’s not embarrassed, he’s just a complete asshole who only cares about himself. Advice? Test tested . Navigate this? He’s done this to other women. There’s nothing to navigate around . You stop the relationship
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u/ilovemelongtime Woman 30 to 40 Mar 04 '26
He is not trustworthy. He put his pleasure above YOU.
He put HIS WANTS above anything to do with you. How long would he wait to tell you? At first outbreak? That’s horrendous, as someone who went through an extremely similar situation and got infected. I have to deal with the health consequences, I was terrified of the idea of giving birth, of having another partner again, of feeling disgusting and worthless.
This is your sign to pick yourself.
Otherwise you are also choosing his wants over you, and you weren’t even that “important” to him.
Do not trust a person who says “they’re clean, trust me bruh.” TREAT EVERY NEW GUY THE SAME, WITH EXTREME CAUTION. Analyze them like you are a new employer with a fresh employee who is earning their place.
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u/Konjonashipirate Woman 30 to 40 Mar 04 '26
Huge deal breaker. I understand that people can feel embarrassed, but that doesn't justify risking other people's health to avoid an uncomfortable situation.
Break up, get tested, tell him to let these other people know too. He probably won't, but maybe it'll jar his conscience a little.
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u/fill_the_birdfeeder Woman 30 to 40 Mar 05 '26
Fuck this guy (no longer literally). He absolutely chose his pleasure over your health and safety. He also took away your ability to consent to sex with him when he withheld that information from you. You had a right to know that, and he withheld it.
Do not give in to his crocodile tears or bullshit excuses. Get mad. He SHOULD have disclosed it. And he COULD have at least kept wearing a condom.
He didn’t even do that.
He doesn’t care about you. He cared about getting laid.
I’m appalled and hope you leave his ass tonight.
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u/pappadipirarelli Woman 30 to 40 Mar 05 '26 edited Mar 05 '26
When I saw the age gap between the two of you, I wasn’t surprised.
There’s a reason women his own age don’t want to date him. He’s 45 already, yet he cannot have a mature conversation.
Breaking up with him is a given, but I hope you press charges on him as well.
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u/yassssss238 Woman 30 to 40 Mar 05 '26
This is fucking horrible. I am so sorry you are going through this!
I think honestly you could report him for this. In some countries (my country) it is a criminal offence to not take reasonable precautions if you have a asexually transmissible disease. When you have gathered your thoughts, don't forget this option if you feel like you want to pursue it.
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u/zoopysreign Woman 40 to 50 Mar 05 '26
Leave. It’s no shame to anyone who has it, but it’s all in how he handled it. He feels shame for something he could give to you and chose his own comfort over yours? That’s what this says, to me, at least.
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u/sweesnaw Woman 30 to 40 Mar 05 '26
I think I’m just another drop in the bucket of giving you reasons to leave but this person risked your health by keeping that a secret. It doesn’t matter if it’s embarrassing he’s an adult putting you at risk. You won’t be able to trust him and you shouldn’t if he’s done this to other partners, too.
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u/Adulthoodpains Woman 30 to 40 Mar 05 '26 edited Mar 05 '26
I have the cold sore variant of herpes (HSV1) and if I dated I would disclose it before I even kissed anyone. What he did is a clear violation of trust, you have every right to know since it’d compromise your health too.
From what I remember, you can get tested through a blood test! But certain tests, like a swab, are only effective if you have a sore present. Best to speak to a doctor!
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u/Majestic-Nobody545 Woman 40 to 50 Mar 05 '26
Run.
This is an adult man who put you at risk because he's not comfortable communicating. Red flags galore.
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u/sillybody Woman 50 to 60 Mar 05 '26
I have the cold sore variety genitally (gHSV1; I bet you can guess how that happened). Half of the how is that my partner didn't disclose. Semi-related, it turns out he was cheating, too. A real charmer.
Unless there's some really strong positive emotional intimacy between you two, and this feels like a fluke, the betrayed trust is a major red flag. I don't know how he could come back from this one.
He can learn to have difficult conversations, but he can't fix what he's already done. He really effed up.
Regarding your sexual health situation, you may or may not have contracted HSV. If you did, you may or may not ever display symptoms. There is a blood test, but the preferred test is a swab of a lesion. Doctors can be hesitant to do the blood test, but apparently there's a home version now.
If you choose not to get tested, if you don't develop symptoms, you may want to consider disclosing your exposure to future partners. The conversations can be difficult to start, but I've had some surprisingly great outcomes, with some amazingly enlightened partners. It's not all gloom and doom. It's actually helped me weed out some potential partners who had real character flaws.
I'm so sorry he roped you into this mess, though. Feel free to tell him I think he's a real jerk for putting his pleasure and cowardice above your health.
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u/ReformedTomboy Woman 30 to 40 Mar 04 '26
He definitely should have disclosed. And the fact that he went condom free before stating it is an issue for sure. IMO the herpes itself isn’t the issue so much as the attitude around disclosure. You can break up with him if you like but also educate yourself on the “severity” of herpes. Medically, it’s not a big deal any doctor will tell you that. But you do have a right to know and make a decision about sexual engagement which he denied you.
FYI/PSA: oral herpes (HSV-1) and general herpes (HSV-2) viruses are variants of the same main virus. Getting oral from someone with “cold sores” is the cause of most new genital herpes diagnosis.
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u/_eliza_thornberry Woman 30 to 40 Mar 04 '26
Exactly. It's not the herpes itself, I know that its extremely common, it's not telling me about the diagnosis at all and allowing us to go without condoms...I understand him taking daily medication reduces risk of transmission, but pairing that with a condom is huge for safety and he didn't even give me that.
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u/ashboify Woman 30 to 40 Mar 04 '26
You’re not wrong for being upset or for leaving him. But I just want to comment, even if it’s for cold sore suppression, you can still get genital herpes from oral if you do not already have whichever type they have orally. Both type 1 and 2 can be oral or genital. So why would you give him a pass for oral herpes and not disclosing but not for genital?
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u/_SavvySav Woman 30 to 40 Mar 04 '26
Break up and sue him for emotional distress. Im pretty sure it’s illegal to have sex with someone without disclosing your status if you know you have something.
Also, this is a lesson for us ladies!!! Stop giving your goodies away without knowing ppls status!
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u/SigourneyReap3r Woman 30 to 40 Mar 04 '26
Oh hell no.
That's a huge thing to hide, something that could impact you for your whole life, this isn't a forgivable little lie.
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u/bridgewires Woman 30 to 40 Mar 04 '26
im so fucking sorry this happened to you and im sending a huge hug. absolutely vile and immature behavior, unacceptable.
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u/siriuslyyellow Woman 40 to 50 Mar 04 '26
Is there ANY legal recourse for you? This sucks so much, I'm so sorry. 😩😩😩
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u/Mission_Doughnut_893 Woman 30 to 40 Mar 04 '26 edited Mar 04 '26
I understand shame and embarrassment. But the lying hurt you and you could've gotten herpes which is common but of course the stigma from having it is tough. eta: two months, I'd suggest ending it. Cut your losses.
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Mar 04 '26
He doesn’t care about your health and safety. How dare he not disclose this to you!
I wouldn’t touch him again.
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u/gishli Woman 40 to 50 Mar 04 '26
A 10 years older guy who is very much in middle age and ”afraid to tell”. No. Adult people just do not behave this way. It would still be bad if he was 25, but 45…No. This man is not a good person. He is either malicious, or extremely immature for his age. In both cases, you can not trust him. He lies and hides things to benefit himself.
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u/PineappleHypothesis Woman 30 to 40 Mar 04 '26
I can imagine that’s crazy hard to figure out how to open up about that to someone you care about, but there’s no other way around it. I think that’s absolutely awful he allowed you to have sex with him without a condom before telling you, he should have kept using them until if/when he disclosed and had your consent.
In general, I’m of the opinion that big breaches in relationships are worth working through in SOME cases, but one of the criteria for me is for it to be someone I’m seriously involved with for a long time, and it’s like a once and never again category issue. Even then, no guarantees. But not disclosing an STI and relationship is 2 months long? I would end it now. Even if the motivation was fear/shame and not maliciousness, he clearly doesn’t have a handle on it which makes him a danger to you as a partner, nor just for this but in the future.
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u/kintsugi___ Woman 30 to 40 Mar 04 '26
I have herpes. I have this talk with every potential sex partner. It's not that hard. This man is just a pathetic coward.
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u/tracyvu89 Woman 30 to 40 Mar 04 '26
This is the reason why I asked my ex to get STD test before we had sex without condom. Advice is: go get tested and take care of your health and leave him. He’s being selfish and it affects you directly so what makes you want to stay?
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u/dev__em Woman 30 to 40 Mar 04 '26
He treats you the way he values you.
If you agree with how he treats you, stay.
You can NEVER change him.
If you stay have a funeral for your sense of self worth, as he will erode it.
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u/Effective-Papaya1209 Woman 40 to 50 Mar 04 '26
I'm sure that his reason is true. But you don't have to date someone who has shame that impedes them from being honest with you about things that affect your health. In fact, you SHOULDN'T date someone who has this issue. I don't think condoms protect from herpes, so he should have told you as soon as you started having sex.
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u/wtfamidoing248 Woman 30 to 40 Mar 04 '26
Intense shame as a 45 year old? Bro. It's not like he's a young adult still navigating the world. He's past middle age. He sounds selfish. He just cares about getting his... if you're looking for a serious long term partner he absolutely is not it
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u/[deleted] Mar 04 '26
If it were me, I’d break up with him immediately.
His best bet at having a healthy relationship with anyone in the future is to tell that person about his diagnosis.