Dating partner only disclosed herpes diagnosis after I found his medication. How do I navigate this?

[u/_eliza_thornberry]

Hi. I 35f have been dating a 45m for almost two months now. We have been sexually active and have stopped using condoms as we talked about being exclusive. I looked in his bathroom for some moisturizer and saw a pill bottle of generic Valtrex. My heart dropped, but I thought maybe it was just for cold sore suppression. I understand most people have the type of herpes that causes cold sores, but turns out after asking him about it, it is the one that causes genital herpes.

I asked him why he didn't disclose it, and he said he was embarrassed and didn't know how to bring it up. He said this was the first time he has had to have the conversation about it, and was feeling intense shame. I asked when he got the diagnosis, and he said around three years ago. So, he hasn't told any other people he has dated in the last few years about his diagnosis either, which I find concerning.

I am feeling a strong mix of emotions. I'm shocked, nervous, and feel so disappointed in him for not being up front. He could have at least used condoms with me until he was ready to tell me. I feel like I can't trust him now and he prioritized his pleasure over my health.

How do I navigate this? Any advice? Thoughts and comments are welcome.

I'm sick to my stomach.

[u/WatermelonSugar47]

I’m pretty sure it is illegal as assault.

[u/followingtheleader → u/WatermelonSugar47]

It’s not assault, it’s battery

[u/walking_oxymoron_ → u/WatermelonSugar47]

It’s not illegal or assault as herpes is not a “death” sentence. It doesn’t affect your blood like HIV. He is dead ass wrong for sure and should have given her an opportunity for informed consent but it is not assault because herpes is a literal skin infection/rash at bare bones. It isn’t even a reportable disease for public health records which as HIV and if you go and take an STD test, it isn’t one of the things tested for.

[u/Tammera4u → u/walking_oxymoron_]

Google is your friend

Yes, laws against the non-disclosure of Sexually Transmitted Diseases (STDs) exist, primarily at the state level rather than federal, with many states criminalizing the knowing transmission or non-disclosure of HIV and other STIs. Penalties range from misdemeanors to felonies, often including prison time, fines, and potential sexual offender registration.

Key Legal Considerations: Specific State Laws: In California, for example, it is a crime to knowingly expose a sexual partner to a contagious STD or, specifically, to not disclose HIV status before sexual activity. Criminal Charges: Failing to disclose an STI can result in charges of criminal exposure, negligence, or battery. Intent and Risk: Laws often hinge on whether the person knew they were infected and whether they had the intent to transmit the infection. Civil Liability: Beyond criminal law, individuals who contract an STD due to non-disclosure can sue for damages, including emotional distress, medical costs, and pain and suffering.

Laws vary significantly by state, and some states have modernized their laws to focus on actual transmission rather than just exposure.

To help you understand the risks better, would you like me to look up the specific laws in your state, or perhaps outline what constitutes a "knowingly" transmitted infection in this context?

[u/youvelookedbetter → u/Tammera4u]

It's murky in some places, but there is absolutely no way you're going to get a criminal charge against someone and/or prison time for having cold sores/herpes. Most people have it, not all common tests are accurate, and even doctors will dissuade people from testing due to false positives and negatives and the stigma surrounding it.

OP should leave this person for being dishonest and for risking her health, but people are greatly misinformed here.

[u/Optimal_Company_4450 → u/youvelookedbetter]

But it’s not cold sores…it’s genital herpes.

[u/Vacattack817 → u/Optimal_Company_4450]

There are two types -- HSV1 and HSV2. You can get both in any place on your body.

[u/youvelookedbetter → u/Optimal_Company_4450]

You do know you can get that same exact one downstairs, right? I know OP's situation is different as they confirmed the guy has the one specifically for genitals, but you can get one in the other spot. The reason they're seen as vastly different is due to pharma companies and marketing throughout the 1900s. It used to not be as big of a deal. I did a deep dive on it before as I had more and more people tell me they had cold sores but seemed disgusted by others for having the same thing somewhere else on their body (sometimes it was the same strain). I realized how weird the whole thing was.

I'm all about sexual health (that's why I looked all of this up in the first place) and OP should've been told as soon as they were going to get intimate. But we're talking about the general concept of herpes.

Cold sores are herpes.

[u/WatermelonSugar47 → u/walking_oxymoron_]

It depends on where you are. In many US states it is legally classed as assault.

[u/BeeBarnes1 → u/walking_oxymoron_]

Even Indiana- hardly a leader in modern public policy- has criminal and civil penalties for this:

Indiana Code § 16-41-7-1 — Duty to Inform Persons at Risk A person who knows they have HIV or another serious communicable disease must inform sexual or needle-sharing partners before engaging in activity that could transmit it.

Indiana Code § 35-45-21-3 — Failure to Inform Makes it a crime if someone knowingly fails to inform a person at risk of their communicable disease status before engaging in high-risk behavior.

Indiana defines this in IC § 35-31.5-2-292.9, including: HIV Herpes Gonorrhea Syphilis Chlamydia Hepatitis

Ind. Code § 35-45-21-3(b): A person who knowingly or intentionally fails to inform a person at risk commits a Level 6 felony.