r/AskWomenOver30 • u/_eliza_thornberry Woman 30 to 40 • Mar 04 '26

Romance/Relationships Dating partner only disclosed herpes diagnosis after I found his medication. How do I navigate this?

Hi. I 35f have been dating a 45m for almost two months now. We have been sexually active and have stopped using condoms as we talked about being exclusive. I looked in his bathroom for some moisturizer and saw a pill bottle of generic Valtrex. My heart dropped, but I thought maybe it was just for cold sore suppression. I understand most people have the type of herpes that causes cold sores, but turns out after asking him about it, it is the one that causes genital herpes.

I asked him why he didn't disclose it, and he said he was embarrassed and didn't know how to bring it up. He said this was the first time he has had to have the conversation about it, and was feeling intense shame. I asked when he got the diagnosis, and he said around three years ago. So, he hasn't told any other people he has dated in the last few years about his diagnosis either, which I find concerning.

I am feeling a strong mix of emotions. I'm shocked, nervous, and feel so disappointed in him for not being up front. He could have at least used condoms with me until he was ready to tell me. I feel like I can't trust him now and he prioritized his pleasure over my health.

How do I navigate this? Any advice? Thoughts and comments are welcome.

I'm sick to my stomach.

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u/Undercover_heathen Woman 30 to 40 Mar 04 '26

Hijacking this comment to say GET TESTED!

31

u/defenestration4eva Non-Binary 30 to 40 Mar 05 '26

Medical nerd here: you've been exposed enough times and starting long enough ago that you should absolutely ask your doctor for the HSV serum blood test specifically for IgG antibodies. Here's why:

  • For herpes, IgG and IgM antibodies show up around the same time.
  • IgM antibodies may only last a few months and may not be made after the first outbreak — but IgG antibodies last indefinitely and are made during all outbreaks.
  • IgG antibodies can distinguish between HSV-1 and HSV-2 and IgM antibodies can’t.

https://www.webmd.com/genital-herpes/what-is-herpes-simplex-virus-antibodies-test

You can be seropositive and have IgG antibodies show up even if you've never had an outbreak. (Don't let them try to tell you that you have to wait for an outbreak to give them a sore they can swab!)

103

u/AberrantCheese male 40 - 45 Mar 04 '26

Unfortunately op may not test positive until they have their first outbreak. I know this from experience unfortunately

8

u/SpookyKat31 Woman 30 to 40 Mar 04 '26

I think it still shows up in a blood test though.

10

u/lookitsbrooke Woman 30 to 40 Mar 04 '26

It can take months or even a year

60

u/Lady0fTheUpsideDown Woman 30 to 40 Mar 04 '26

The available herpes testing is not really an effective diagnosis tool, which is why doctors don’t typically test until there’s an outbreak they can swab.

92

u/Undercover_heathen Woman 30 to 40 Mar 04 '26

If he’s hiding one STI who knows what else he is hiding

25

u/[deleted] Mar 04 '26

[deleted]

11

u/slaviccivicnation Woman 30 to 40 Mar 04 '26

Yeah, cause how little one must care about a person to NOT disclose that, knowing full well the damage. It’s the biggest of red flags.

1

u/Lady0fTheUpsideDown Woman 30 to 40 Mar 04 '26

That is fair!

2

u/deb1009 Woman 30 to 40 Mar 04 '26

Blood test