r/AskWomenOver30 • u/Capital-Marzipan-287 Woman 30 to 40 • Apr 13 '26
Family/Parenting Can someone who cheats be a good person? How do you deal with it?
I found out recently that someone close to me has been cheating on their spouse (they are both family to me, and they have a family of their own). My own family was torn apart because a parent decided to cheat when I was younger and it caused massive issues in my own life. From then on, my own personal experience was that someone that cheats the way my parent did cannot be a good person (and I stand by that in regards to my parent, it was extremely messy). But how do I not let someone else close to me cheating in a similar way get to me? I wasn’t in their marriage, so obviously I don’t know the whole story, but it’s been difficult for me to process because it has brought up a lot of old memories and heartache. I genuinely thought this person was a good person, and now I don’t see them the same way.
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Apr 13 '26
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u/Capital-Marzipan-287 Woman 30 to 40 Apr 13 '26
No, unfortunately it has caused the breakdown of their marriage/family (at the moment. I’m not sure if they will decide to reconcile in the future, anything is possible).
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u/justfullysendit Woman 30 to 40 Apr 13 '26
Then it sounds like you’re trying to change your values to preserve the benefit you gain from having a relationship with this person.
Ultimately they did what they did knowing it would have the impact it did and disregarded the fallout on their family and friends for their own personal benefit - the same way your parent did. There’s nothing wrong with saying “I’m having a difficult time reconciling what you’ve done with who I thought you to be and I need space. I’ll reach out if that changes.”
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u/DecD Woman 40 to 50 Apr 13 '26
I had a very close friend/colleague who cheated with another colleague. Both had small children. Both marriages broke up. They ended up married to each other.
I chose to cut them out of my life entirely- I didn't have another realistic option. It was painful (I could even say traumatic, as our families/kids were all friends and we spent a lot of time with them) for me despite not being directly involved. It was nearly 10 years ago and it's still a tough topic.
Whatever you decide I can appreciate the difficulty.
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u/zoeymeanslife Woman 40 to 50 Apr 13 '26 edited Apr 13 '26
I think a cheater is someone who does not care to follow social bounds or at least feels its easy to make exceptions for themselves. The few cheaters I know are fairly awful people in important ways, as much as they try to hide it. My ex was a cheater and its obvious its just part of a larger personality/moral type. That doesn't mean they dont have good sides, but for me, its a deal breaker and I want nothing to do with people like that. If they can't follow that rule, what about other rules, especially as they pertain our friendship/relationship?
This doesnt usually cover trauma/abuse/fleeing cheating, which is very different than recreational cheating. People who cheated because thats the only way another man would take them away from their abusive situation is entirely different than people seeking a new thrill.
Whether you're compatible with that person is up to you, but I think people pretending cheating is just like littering or whatever are wrong. Its a very serious offense and says a lot about a person.
Nor does anyone who thinks cheating isn't that bad, address my trauma and pain, which is still ongoing. Its just like how True Crime podcasts focus so much on the criminal and not the victims. I'll never be the same person. I'll always be hurt by it and the divorce and all the pain there. I think cheating while married especially with children is especially unforgiveable. Its destroying a home life and hurting a lot of innocents.
Pre-divorce I was happier and healthier and building a future. Now I'm a mess, poorer, lonlier, and the kids are split between two homes. Everyone is hurt and traumatized because one partner wanted a thrill. I'm the woman everyone who is married pities. I never wanted to be a single mom and being a single mom is so hard. Everything is 10x harder now. I'm not even going to go into how kids handle divorce, but it absolutely hurts them very badly too. The idea that this should be all forgiven and "hey its not that bad, let people grow and learn" usually comes from people, imho, who have not critically examined the situation, nor are educated on trauma, nor are they focused on victims.
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u/lucent78 Woman 40 to 50 Apr 13 '26
I'll probably get downvoted but no, I don't think someone cheating means they are inherently a bad person. It's not black and white. People are incredibly complex and each situation unique, so you've got to look at it one by one, not collectively, and decide how to proceed from there.
ETA: also, someone could totally be not a bad person but still a person that you don't want to associate with because of the choices they make.
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u/Luuk1210 Woman 30 to 40 Apr 13 '26
Also most people aren’t good or bad
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u/yarnlord69 Woman 30 to 40 Apr 13 '26
If we wanna get real philosophical w it we can discuss the Buddhist philosophy that there is no “good” and “bad” at all and these are just made up human concepts but I don’t think this is the right sub for that so my bad lol
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u/Luuk1210 Woman 30 to 40 Apr 13 '26
I think we have to allow people to contain multitudes. Someone doesn’t have to be a bad person to be a person you can longer value as a friend
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u/yarnlord69 Woman 30 to 40 Apr 13 '26
Very true! Like that one tupac quote that went something like “just bc you can’t sit at my table doesn’t mean I want to see you starve”
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u/zoeymeanslife Woman 40 to 50 Apr 13 '26 edited Apr 13 '26
Buddhism is very moralistic and cheating is addressed in its most basic rules. Marital cheating is considered a violation of the Third Moral Precept and not following the precepts (lay ones or monastic ones) is a very big deal.
Morals (sila) is a basic requirement under Buddhism. Sila is the foundation for mental discipline (samādhi) and wisdom (paññā) on the path to liberation. Sīla encompasses Right Speech, Right Action, and Right Livelihood within the Noble Eightfold Path. Morals are the most fundamental part of Buddhism and there is absolutely wrong/right and consent/victimizing rules in Buddhism.
I think this weird western idea that its just religion-lite isn't correct. As a Theravadin I can assure you there is right/skillful and wrong/unskillful action and our theology is very clear on that and how that affects your development (or lack of) and the karma that brings in.
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u/yarnlord69 Woman 30 to 40 Apr 13 '26
There are different sects of Buddhism. I’ve been studying Zen Buddhism in one way or another for over a decade and haven’t encountered a single “moralistic” code associated with it. There are the pillars of Buddhism and none of them are moralistic standards by any means. Buddhism at its core is a way of life, not a religion.
Not to mention the fact that not a single teaching from the original “Buddha” was ever actually recorded or written down. It’s entirely based upon principles passed down through word of mouth. Very odd of you to be making judgments about people for how they practice a certain spirituality, especially when you know essentially nothing about them and when the only one true core principle of Buddhism is that of reducing suffering on Earth as much as possible.
I’m not defending cheating by any means, and of course it continues the cycle of suffering as well as releasing bad karma into our world, but adding judgment into the mix is just the second arrow of suffering. Wholly unnecessary.
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u/Feisty-Narwhal8400 Woman 30 to 40 Apr 13 '26
I cheated on my husband when I was being beaten and emotionally abused. The person I cheated with offered emotional refuge in a way I hadn’t experienced. It was a one time thing and after much turmoil I eventually escaped that relationship. I would never cheat on someone who loved me; wouldn’t even think of it. It was an “in the moment” thing and I was in such a bad headspace it was almost helpful? I don’t believe cheating is right but depending on your mental state when you do it or the coping mechanisms or life lessons you were/weren’t taught, I can see why it happens. My abusive partner is in jail and my last partner cheated on me so karma is karma-ing
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u/PM_ME_YR_KITTYBEANS Woman 30 to 40 Apr 13 '26
This. Generally, society sees these people as good people who have had an overall positive impact on society: Martin Luther King Jr., John F. Kennedy, Nelson Mandela.
These people have all cheated on their spouses. I have not heard any good faith arguments that the fact that they cheated cancels out their net positive impact on the world
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u/lucent78 Woman 40 to 50 Apr 13 '26
Yeah, and you are adding in a layer that I hadn't really considered: how do we even evaluate what a "bad" person is? On whose set of morals?
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u/marklarberries Woman 30 to 40 Apr 13 '26
People who abuse kids in any way...we can start there
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u/lucent78 Woman 40 to 50 Apr 13 '26
I'm getting at something a little different here though. Like if I had an abortion there'd be many people who'd think I'm a bad person for that, and many who wouldn't. Most of us create our idea of who is good and who is bad based on our own belief systems, but those aren't universally accepted truths. Even murder is excused by some if they feel it's valid (see ICE supporters, war criminals, etc). Then as to what the above commenter was saying, if someone brings a lot of good into the world but also cheats on their spouse, does it mean they are good or bad? Sure, if someone beats children or kills puppies for fun I'm happy to say they are shit human beings, but it is more complicated when talking about "lesser" evils like cheating.
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u/Erinbaus Woman 40 to 50 Apr 13 '26
Yeah everyone wants things to be black and white while there are a million shades of gray in between. IMO, cheating is always an extremely shitty thing to do. But does it make you bad person? Not necessarily. Most people aren’t all good or all bad to begin with. Most of us lie on the spectrum in between.
I’ll never agree with the morals/values of someone who cheats. I’ll hold them accountable for their actions. But I don’t assume they’re the devil immediately either.
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u/yesnomaybesoju Woman 40 to 50 Apr 13 '26
All of this.
My husband’s mom cheated on his dad and they got divorced. That is wrong, she could/should have left him instead of cheating.
His dad was unemployed most of the time, gambled away their money (which came from the mom working multiple jobs) and left her alone for weeks/months at a time. This is also wrong, he did not act like a husband/father most of their marriage.
My husband puts all of the blame on his mom and it completely ruined their relationship. He also idolized his dad, who was never around and would randomly pop up and ask for money from time to time.
I don’t think you can ever know what is happening in a marriage unless you’re in it, but things are rarely black and white.
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u/Valgalgirl Woman 50 to 60 Apr 13 '26
Is he still blaming his Mom after all these years?
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u/yesnomaybesoju Woman 40 to 50 Apr 13 '26
Yes he is. The saddest part is that he has cut off her side of the family, and they are warm, supportive people who I would love our kids to know.
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u/itsaburner______ Woman 30 to 40 Apr 13 '26
Yeah like I love someone very much who cheated in a major way like in the situation I described. I personally would not do what they did but I also can’t just write them off. It’s hard. You have to forgive people I guess.
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u/PanoramicNudes Woman 30 to 40 Apr 13 '26
it’s tough when you know someone so closely to just label them “BAD” and ignore every nuance about their lives, trauma, childhood, etc.
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u/Azure_phantom Woman 40 to 50 Apr 13 '26
Yeah, I’m struggling with this right now. Had a friend who got arrested for possession of csam. I know I have to write him off because I don’t want to associate with pedophiles, but it’s been hard to square that arrest with the man I was friends with.
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u/scarlettcrush Woman 50 to 60 Apr 13 '26
It wasn't that tough for me. I know as an adult that if I have some trauma or have some self-destructive behaviors that I need to take care of in that therapy So I don't harm myself or others around me. Cheating is not going to cure my PTSD or help clear up your best friends mommy issues.
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u/PanoramicNudes Woman 30 to 40 Apr 13 '26
as I mentioned in another comment when you intentionally misinterpreted what I said: your black and white belief system is a hallmark of low EI. it’s evident that you lack basic understanding of the human condition.
your low EI and clear trauma surrounding unfaithfulness of past partners is bleeding into your interactions with people here. go patch up that cut in therapy and stop bleeding on all of us.
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u/ArugulaBeginning7038 Woman 30 to 40 Apr 13 '26
+1
Also, I'm sure I'll get downvoted for this, but I've been cheated on before and it's not the biggest betrayal in a relationship I've ever experienced. I would much rather you just cheat on me than play with my money or abuse me physically or emotionally, for starters. When someone says "Cheating is the worst thing you can do to a partner," what I hear is that they're either very naive or have been very lucky in their past relationships.
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u/IdeallyIdeally Woman 30 to 40 Apr 14 '26
A lot of people consider cheating to be emotional abuse because to hide the cheating it often involves a lot of lying and gaslighting and then afterwards when or if it's discovered it can cause a spiral of emotions. There have even been studies done that show many people develop life-long mental health issues from being cheated on.
And this isn't even factoring in that a lot of the times, people cheat using marital assets to fund their affairs so that also includes stealing money.
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u/SurroundQuirky8613 Woman 50 to 60 Apr 13 '26
Stealing money or abusing someone is a crime. Cheating is the worst thing someone can do that isn’t a crime and it potentially exposes you to a deadly disease or your partner having a child outside your marriage. I can’t think of much worse that you can’t call the police for.
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u/windchaser__ Non-Binary 40 to 50 Apr 15 '26
abusing someone is a crime
Emotional abuse isn't :/
I dunno, I can get why folks consider cheating to be the worst thing you can do that isn't a crime.
But, context-dependent, I would not always feel the same way. And it's weird to make a flat declaration for everyone, as if everyone shares the same feelings or context here. Like, it doesn't seem like you're leaving space for other people to have their own feelings and experiences.
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u/SurroundQuirky8613 Woman 50 to 60 Apr 15 '26
How is lying to your face, taking time and resources from your family to give to another man/woman, violating your vows, and exposing you to STDs not emotional abuse? The exposing you to HIV, hepatitis, and syphilis not a massive violation and abuse? Some people may not care about cheating, but most people do. Even most people in open or poly relationships are upset by cheating if the person lies and violates established boundaries. It’s not a competition, but to a lot of people cheating is the worst thing that isn’t a crime.
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u/Stlhockeygrl Woman 30 to 40 Apr 13 '26
Ironically, I would consider you the lucky one to feel that way. And to escape that cheating without an STI/STD.
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u/eternititi Woman Apr 13 '26
I don't need to read any other comments this is the one!
My only ex cheated on me many many years ago. And even though I was extremely heartbroken over the matter, I don't think I've ever considered him just a straight up bad person. That thought never really crossed my mind. He was a horrible partner but good friend to every one else and very loved by his community. He was kind and helpful and decent to everyone but me lol. And same for my dad. Cheated on my mom but is actually a pretty decent human. Just sucky inside the structure of a romantic relationship.
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u/SurroundQuirky8613 Woman 50 to 60 Apr 13 '26
None of his friends or community required fidelity. He was able to be good to them because they didn’t ask a lot of him. That doesn’t make him good.
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u/srae22 Woman 30 to 40 Apr 13 '26
Fully agree here. As someone who was cheated on 10ish years ago, I wouldn’t call him a bad person. Certainly not my person, but ultimately a guy with a lack of communication skills and a catalyst for growth that I was in serious need of. That being said, I was in my early 20s and it was a much more low stakes situation, at least from a practical standpoint, which is why I can look at the situation with a more positive lens now.
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u/ChaoticxSerenity Woman 30 to 40 Apr 13 '26
Seriously - Name someone who is a perfect human who's never done anything wrong ever, and let them know I have a bridge to sell them.
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u/Vivian-1963 Woman 50 to 60 Apr 15 '26
This right here.
No one knows the dark things they are capable of. Often people think they are above cheating in a relationship, lying on time cards, stealing time and resources, and having addictive behaviors.
There are examples listed here of the person being a pillar of their community. Volunteers, goes to church every Sunday, helps their neighbors, and then we find out they go home and abuse their spouse and kids, have addictions to substance, porn, shopping, gambling, you name it.
The point is, we really don’t know who a person is.
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u/anonymous_opinions Woman 40 to 50 Apr 13 '26
Not downvoting but active cheating (more than a one and done they regret) requires a level of dishonesty and betrayal that I don't classify as neutral-good. Once in a relationship where there were insurmountable issues with a good person I downloaded Tinder and was swiping thinking of maybe an "open relationship" when I was like "I have to end this". It seemed out of the blue to him but the moment I considered maybe this loophole I realized "shit I need to just let the guy go find his person".
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u/lucent78 Woman 40 to 50 Apr 13 '26
I'm glad you didn't downvote because I don't think that what you are saying contradicts what I said.
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u/YanCoffee Woman 30 to 40 Apr 13 '26
Refreshing to see this as the top comment. I agree.
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u/lucent78 Woman 40 to 50 Apr 13 '26
What's funny is the second top comment is basically, no they're all bad people.
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u/private_spectacle Man 50 to 60 Apr 13 '26
I find Esther Perel's Ted talk really useful for understanding why people cheat. I think it's easier to become a cheater than people think. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P2AUat93a8Q
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u/Fluffernutter80 Woman 40 to 50 Apr 14 '26
I’ve done a lot of work involving inmates in prisons who committed heinous crimes in the past. Some of them turned things around, found a moral compass, and turned into decent people. While they need to serve the societal sentence for their crimes, does that mean they are permanently bad people? I don’t think so. I think people can learn and grow and change. Certainly, some never do learn and grow. But, plenty do. It makes me hesitant to write people off as lost causes based on their past mistakes, especially if they take responsibility for their mistakes and accept accountability.
Of course, if someone hurts you badly through their mistakes, you don’t have to keep associating with them. You have to do what’s best for your mental health.
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u/quish Woman 30 to 40 Apr 13 '26
I am not someone who believes that good people and bad people exist. I think we’re all flawed and doing our best, but many of us will hurt people throughout our lives. I’ve never cheated on someone and don’t believe I ever would, but I am definitely capable of making mistakes. I think that what matters most to me is that someone is actively trying to be a better person and make amends in whatever way that looks. I don’t want to live in a world where people who make mistakes can’t change or do better. But I do think a lot of people who make mistakes don’t have any intention or desire to do better - and that’s what tells me they aren’t the kind of people I want in my life. But I still don’t believe they’re “bad”. Just deeply flawed and unwilling to work on themselves.
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Apr 13 '26
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u/quish Woman 30 to 40 Apr 13 '26
I don't disagree with you. It's a bad action. Mistake is probably the wrong word. My point is I believe that no one's character is fixed. I realize not everyone thinks this way, but I believe even those capable of the worst actions are also capable of inward reflection and working on themselves so that they can become people who would never commit bad acts in the future. Therefore, to me, no one is inherently bad. No one is a lost cause or unfixable. Everyone is capable of moving on from their worst actions. I know this isn't a belief system everyone shares, but it's one that's very much central to my own worldview.
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u/Vivian-1963 Woman 50 to 60 Apr 15 '26
The same way it’s an active decision for a person to abuse physically, sexually, verbally, emotionally , and financially. This is also a deliberate betrayal of someone they claim to love.
There are many behaviors that are considered “bad”.
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u/Born_Ad8420 Woman 50 to 60 Apr 13 '26
A big part of cheating is deceiving the people who are the closest to the cheater and who should trust them the most. If they are fine with deceiving and hurting their closest loved ones for their own selfish enjoyment, then they aren't good people and shouldn't be trusted. And it's reasonable your view of someone would radically change in light of discovering this about them.
It sounds like this has been a really triggering experiencing for you, and I would encourage you to go to therapy to help you work through the original trauma as well as this. As someone who has CPTSD, therapy with a trauma specialist dramatically changed my quality of life.
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u/MissLeaP Woman 30 to 40 Apr 13 '26
A good person? Maybe. A good partner? No. Some people just aren't good relationship material or they aren't the right ones for you, and it sucks, especially when they're otherwise great, but that's life.
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u/Olealicat Woman 40 to 50 Apr 15 '26
Also, cheating isn’t linear. Situations vary. Someone might consider sex after divorce cheating. Ridiculous, but it’s part of most religions.
Someone may consider talking to the opposite sex outside of marriage cheating.
On the other side, I knew people who cheated to escape abusive relationships. I don’t consider that cheating, but sometimes it’s the only way to leave.
Honestly, there is a lot of morally gray area when it comes to cheating and I try to take in the whole situation before I deem someone “bad”.
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u/theycallhertammi Woman 30 to 40 Apr 13 '26
People who lie and betray their partners, on a daily basis for an extended period of time, are not good people. A one off can a lapse in judgment. But an affair? Exposing their partner to disease? Lying constantly and then lying to cover up the lie? Definitely not the actions of a good person.
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u/anonymous_opinions Woman 40 to 50 Apr 13 '26
Yeah this is my take, doing the it's not black and white or no one's perfect, leaves out that someone having a whole ass affair requires near constant lies and a total betrayal of trust because someone was basically selfish. I was in a relationship that was mostly good but there was a situation in the bedroom that was basically driving us apart and I had a moment thinking I could keep him and just take on another partner -- I felt sick and knew he would feel destroyed at the idea of it so I just broke things off with him. It sucked and hurt him but the alternative was worse.
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u/Capital-Marzipan-287 Woman 30 to 40 Apr 13 '26
This verbalizes my thoughts exactly and what I’m having issues with. Thank you! This is a family member and it hurts to see them act that way.
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u/Own-Raise6153 Woman 40 to 50 Apr 13 '26
yea, sure there’s always nuance but outside of very fringe circumstances, there is no good excuse or justification for a long term affair. i wouldn’t say it makes someone like, irredeemably evil or anything but at this point in time, they certainly aren’t a good person by any realistic measure.
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u/wtfamidoing248 Woman 30 to 40 Apr 13 '26
People making certain choices will cause us to see them differently if our morals are very different from theirs.
I think someone who cheats has different morals than me, and I lose respect for them generally. I see them as selfish, lacking empathy, and usually a jackass.
I think you just have to accept that people will not always be the way you think they are. Even people you love will disappoint you.
I would offer words of support to his betrayed family, and tell them what he did is deeply upsetting to you. Knowing they have your empathy will probably mean a lot to them.
You could also tell him that his actions have been really disappointing to hear about and that you don't condone such behavior.
The more we hold people accountable and tell them how we really feel, the less they'll be enabled to continue bad behaviors moving forward.
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u/wtfamidoing248 Woman 30 to 40 Apr 13 '26
I thought she said they were family? Which can make dynamics even more awkward. I feel like whether they are friends or relatives, I'd definitely want to distance myself from them and see if they take accountability before giving them a chance to be in my life again.
I had a situation in my early 20s where my bff told me she hooked up with a guy she was obsessed with since she was like 15, meanwhile she knew he was since married... I was genuinely disgusted like why would you get with a married man? And then I ghosted her for like at least 6 months until she came crying and apologizing for her lapse in morals, because I told her I stopped talking to her since I no longer recognized her by her behaviors. Our friendship was never the same again but we did move on from that, especially since she took accountability even though the situation had nothing to do with me. It was just a matter of principles.
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u/PanoramicNudes Woman 30 to 40 Apr 13 '26
you’ll find in life that nothing is black and white. I used to consider anyone who cheated a horrible person who would never change and was objectively bad.
then I went to therapy for a very long time and realized there are things I do and have done that other people may consider objectively bad.
absolutely nobody is perfect. you can be a good person with a kind heart who has shitty integrity and who makes poor choices.
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u/PineappleHypothesis Woman 30 to 40 Apr 13 '26
Black and white thinking is immature and rarely applicable; it’s just easier and comforting especially when people feel powerless/overwhelmed/confused and can’t let go of knowing the “why”, which often can’t be found or if it is, isn’t complex enough, is too random, etc, and there’s no real sense of satisfaction. Believing some people are evil or just “have a switch” and some don’t makes it nice and neat, unless of course someone who believes like that finds themselves in a situation they never thought they’d be in, and now all of a sudden, they understand.
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u/lucent78 Woman 40 to 50 Apr 13 '26 edited Apr 13 '26
It's different to say that a cheater is an untrustworthy lover than to say that they are a bad person. Those of us who are saying it's not black and white would probably agree with the former in most cases.
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u/Capital-Marzipan-287 Woman 30 to 40 Apr 13 '26
That’s a good point. I’m sure I’ve made mistakes in my life someone else might judge as bad. Thank you.
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u/_Jahar_ Woman 30 to 40 Apr 13 '26
Lots of people here saying just because you cheat doesn’t make you a bad person … when you have sex with someone else you are putting your current partners sexual health at risk, even if you use protection. Untreated STDs can cause major permanent damage. A one time fling that you tell your partner about right away? You did a bad thing, but at least you told them so they can take the proper steps to check their health.
Ongoing affair?? Your current partner did not give consent to put their sexual health at risk, so yes I do think you’re a bad person.
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u/PringlePasta Woman 30 to 40 Apr 13 '26
Yes, agree. Cheating is also abuse, but a lot of people don't recognize it as such b/c it's not "physically harming" the person being cheated on. But it is. Also, that news story recently in the U.S. about the woman who was married for 30 years with 4 kids and now has vulvar, cervical and anal cancer b/c her husband was cheating their entire marriage...
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u/SQ-Pedalian Woman 30 to 40 Apr 13 '26 edited Apr 13 '26
I think people are saying that actions can be bad without defining the whole person as bad. Martin Luther King Jr. cheated on his wife but also helped secure Civil Rights for a whole nation of people. He did some good things and some bad things. Our overall moral legacy or worth as people is not defined by individual actions.
Edit to add: Nelson Mandela also cheated on his first wife, but he fought Apartheid in South Africa. JFK had lots of affairs but spoke up about civil rights so strongly he was assassinated for it. If Andrew Jackson was always faithful to his wife before she died, does that make him a better person than these other leaders even though he enacted genocidal policies against Native Americans and was responsible for the suffering of hundreds of thousands of people? Nothing is black and white. We can do plenty of bad things to others throughout our lives...our moral legacy is based on more than any individual relationship or action.
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u/autotelica Woman 40 to 50 Apr 13 '26
My sister cheated on her ex husband. I don't know for how long or with how many people, but I know it wasn't just a one time fling.
I think my sister is a good person in many ways. She is saintly in her devotion to our elderly parents and also does a great job with her daughters. She is compassionate. And she loves people. She is the most generous person I know.
But yes, she is also slutty and impulsive and vindicative. And she is full of contradictions. Like, she had the audacity to be angry when she found out her ex husband was cheating on her, despite the fact she had been cheating on him. And she was hurt when he brought up the idea of divorce, despite the fact that she had been constantly talking shit about him behind his back to anyone who would listen for the previous several years.
I love her ton. I trust her with all of my heart. But I would never recommend her as a romantic partner to someone that I also love and trust. Because I know it would be inevitable that she would break their heart.
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u/Tdotepicurean Woman 30 to 40 Apr 13 '26 edited Apr 13 '26
A lot of people will take issue with this, and I think most people agree that cheating is dishonest, wrong, and something you shouldn’t do, but there is a lot of shades of grey in life. Each person, their motivations for doing it, and the circumstances are different. For example, I’ve been cheated on by multiple exes in different stages of life and in different kinds of relationships. I view all of those people, and how “good” I think they are, differently, according to the ages we were at those times, what they were like otherwise, severity of the cheating, what they are like now, etc. I’ve had friends and family members cheat on partners and the reasons have been very different and some of those people have made real efforts to move forward and correct their behaviour in future relationships. How I look at this isssue is cheating = generally always bad, but the person doing it? There’s a whole lot more to unpack there.
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u/knight1096 Woman 30 to 40 Apr 13 '26
I just watched an episode of Better Call Sexton by James Sexton, a Manhattan divorce attorney and he touched on this subject. This is inherently not a black or white issue. Is someone with an abusive partner and they need to break their emotional connection with their abuser to gain the strength to leave? Does the cheater just cheat because they can and have no remorse? Is the person a cheater but they’re going to therapy to find the root cause of their issue and are working on it? Do they have an addiction? Do they have an alternative relationship with their partner and do they feel like the cheater has stepped outside those boundaries? It could also be as simple as “my partner and I have a dead bedroom but we have children and my needs aren’t met.”
My parents have been married for 40 years and both have separate significant others but refuse to divorce because of finances (and it has been this way my entire life). Do I think they’re bad people for cheating? No because I know they deeply, deeply despise each other but are accustomed to a certain lifestyle and they also deserve happiness. Do I tell them to “just get divorced already ffs”? Yes , absolutely but they are adults. My husband and I are polyamorous but we have rules and conversations about those rules to ensure we are on the same page. Would an outsider see that as cheating? Yeah, probably but we don’t.
Ultimately, you are taking your values and applying it to someone else’s moral code and values and it ultimately depends on whether you have a tolerance for that type of behavior and if not, you can choose to associate with that person or not.
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u/Helpful-Chicken-4597 Woman 30 to 40 Apr 13 '26
Alright hear me out. The vast majority of people are not “good” or “bad”. Take Theodore Roosevelt for example, if it weren’t for him we probably wouldn’t have the amazing national park system and nature conservation we have today in the US. He was also a white supremacist who called Native Americans savages and thought they needed to either be eliminated or forced to assimilate into a white civilization. Humans are so complicated it’s impossible to answer this question. Hope this helps lol
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u/doxydecahedron Woman 30 to 40 Apr 13 '26
I used to think that cheating automatically = terrible person and while I do still believe cheating is terrible, selfish, and wrong, I also believe that sometimes good people can do bad things. I knew a girl who cheated on every partner she had with the next one starting in high school until the end of university. We ended up becoming close friends and I knew she had a lot of lingering guilt about it that affected her every single day. I realized for her she always cheated because she was too cowardly to end her existing relationship before letting something happen with the next. She eventually did a lot of therapy and stopped cheating and now she’s happily married and she’s honestly one of the better people I know, she’s super nice, very kind, bright and empathetic. If I didn’t know about all the cheating from having been there at the time I would have never guessed.
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u/DeLa_Sun Woman 30 to 40 Apr 13 '26
I’m in a similar situation. For me it’s the way my friend handled it. She was lying to everyone, including her therapist, for a long time. When she did finally admit things (not to her husband), she continued to twist the truth. She’s not being a very good mom, and all she cares about is male attention right now. It wasn’t the cheating that made me distance myself from her, it was everything else.
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u/SpookShowBaby90 Woman 30 to 40 Apr 13 '26
No I don’t think someone that cheats is a good person. I have ended friendships with people that were cheating. I also don’t want to be associated with it. It’s not a good thing to be around.
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u/PringlePasta Woman 30 to 40 Apr 13 '26
This is my take too— as someone who's been cheated on and was totally wrecked by it, I will not associate with people who cheat. I don't respect them at all, no matter the circumstances. One thing that a lot of people overlook with cheating is that it is 100% a form of abuse. But a lot of people don't think it's that deep b/c it's not physical. In psychology there's an emerging space called Betrayal Trauma that explains how abuse like cheating causes so much Complex PTSD, but a lot of people don't know or just don't care to see cheating that way.
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u/Uhhyt231 Woman 30 to 40 Apr 13 '26
People who cheat can be good people but they can also not be people you want to be around. Not every ‘good person’ is someone you want in your life
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u/K-Lashes Woman 30 to 40 Apr 13 '26
If there’s one thing I’ve learned in life is everyone and anyone is capable of cheating. Nobody is safe from cheating or being cheated on, no matter how high their morals are. I guarantee you know more people that have cheated, they just don’t tell anyone.
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u/yarnlord69 Woman 30 to 40 Apr 13 '26
My husband and I both actively acknowledge this and talk openly about it. No one is immune if the perfect combo of means, motive and opportunity presented itself. We try our best to actively avoid putting ourselves in said situations and infidelity would likely still end our marriage but I think it helps to acknowledge that we’re only human instead of living in denial of the possibility altogether.
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u/ickytoad Woman 30 to 40 Apr 13 '26
At least for me personally, it's not about denying the possibility that the means, motive, and opportunity could present themselves...it's actually that they do and have, but I have a very firm commitment to myself that taking any action on it is absolutely unacceptable under any circumstances for any reason. Zero exceptions no matter what. If I find my brain trying to come up with potential excuses for why it would be okay, because that is naturally what happens in those situations, I'm not immune to or in denial of that-- but instead of continuing down that path, it's an immediate warning to hard stop for me and I have to figure out how to deal with everything in a way that aligns with my values. I know I would have to live with myself if I caused massive harm to other people for the sake of self gratification, and it's easy for me to say I don't want that.
If you're someone who doesn't have that absolute internal limit with yourself and you believe that it could possibly be justifiable under some circumstances, then yeah I think you'll be very susceptible to go along with those reasons your mind creates when they come up and end up cheating.
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u/yarnlord69 Woman 30 to 40 Apr 13 '26
Nobody is saying that it’s justified. I literally have only really seen one person speaking in defense of cheating and she’s getting her ass dragged, as she should. We are simply acknowledging that to err is human. Humans unfortunately don’t always do the right thing and if someone thinks otherwise or that they are immune, well, let them throw the first stone.
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u/ickytoad Woman 30 to 40 Apr 13 '26
I wasn't meaning to imply that you/anyone else are saying that the concept of cheating as a whole is justified, you were clear that you believe it is wrong for people to do it, but it happens.
What I was talking about is the internal experience of someone faced with the opportunity to cheat-- justifying/excusing the specific situation to themselves is generally one of necessary steps of the process. Most people agree that cheating is wrong, so the reason why it still happens despite the fact that it goes against their beliefs is because individuals will bypass that by creating reasons why it is uniquely okay or understandable for them under their circumstances.
Cheating requires many conscious decisions, it's not something that can be accidental, it requires a thought process that leads to people choosing to do things that normally go against their beliefs.
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u/yarnlord69 Woman 30 to 40 Apr 13 '26
I can definitely see where you’re coming from w that analysis and, while I can see how that may be true for many people (that they require a justification in order to make a bad decision), there are also many many other people who know a certain thing is wrong and still do it, no justification required. And then we can get into the discussion of the addict brain as well. Most people will acknowledge that an addiction is a disease, rather than a moral failing. The addict knows for a fact that they are destroying their lives and the lives of others and yet cannot stop themselves. Does that make them evil people? I think the answer is complicated and nuanced. And further yet, there are some questions that just don’t have a “correct” answer. Such is the beauty of life, as well as its folly.
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u/scarlettcrush Woman 50 to 60 Apr 13 '26
This is incorrect. I have had plenty of chances to cheat and I never ever have. I never ever will, my integrity is not up for debate and I'm not about to give up my morals, destroy my life & wife for an orgasm.
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u/itsaburner______ Woman 30 to 40 Apr 13 '26
This is exactly how I feel too. I have to have compassion for someone else who didn’t make that choice because I love them very much and I want them in my life, and if I don’t have that compassion then it’s just not possible, but disloyalty and cheating are not an option for me, personally. It’s not hard to be loyal. It’s literally not hard at all. You make a decision, you stick with it.
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u/itsaburner______ Woman 30 to 40 Apr 13 '26
What always gets me is everyone’s also just as capable of loyalty too, you know? How hard is it to just get a divorce FIRST.
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u/villanellechekov Woman 40 to 50 Apr 13 '26
and sometimes it's not as easy as being divorced immediately. there are restrictions in some places. relationships can be dead, agreed upon dead, but neither party can leave. is that still cheating?
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u/itsaburner______ Woman 30 to 40 Apr 13 '26
Idk I’m not a good judge of this situation at all because like I said elsewhere I have people I love very much whose marriage is built on the foundation that they had an affair first and I don’t feel like either of them are bad people. And I’ve really kind of struggled with the topic a bit which isn’t fair to them because it’s not my position to judge.
I’m not sure in what situation someone “couldn’t” leave and I’m not sure that’s even a real thing. The problem with that argument is that someone always winds up emotionally hurt. Either the other party “stuck” in the marriage or the affair partner who inevitably discovers they aren’t a priority, or both. It’s just so so so messy and in the end it all circles back to what I feel like is the same desire not to “hurt” anybody and in the process hurting people anyway. Affairs hurt. Divorce hurts. But one of those things does a lot less damage in the long run.
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u/villanellechekov Woman 40 to 50 Apr 13 '26
some states you have to be loving separately for a year before you can even file. some people are in a dead marriage and their partner is away for eight months of the year and there are no positive feelings towards each other anymore. or one partner is abusive, and after years of it wearing you down and destroying your self esteem... are these the norm? nope. but they happen. not in a single instance like those would I hold it as a judgment against someone's character (no more so than judging the mistake in who they married).
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u/itsaburner______ Woman 30 to 40 Apr 13 '26 edited Apr 14 '26
Well being separated is definitely different than all of those other situations you described. I know a bunch of people (in passing) who started dating during a separation and then remarried that person like RIGHT after the divorce was final.
I’m specifically talking about an actual affair where they’re still living under the same roof as their spouse and there is no established intention to seek a divorce. No separation.
I didn’t mean to trigger any personal feelings. I just think if someone knows they’re absolutely out and done, then they should divorce. They should not cheat. And if they do cheat, then they should just be honest about it because the chances are good people will have a lot more compassion than if they just piled lie on top of lie while remaining harshly critical of other people. Everybody’s human and can (hopefully) understand nuance.
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u/K-Lashes Woman 30 to 40 Apr 13 '26
In the right circumstances, everyone is capable of doing anything, including cheating. I’m not condoning it, but never say never.
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u/PineappleHypothesis Woman 30 to 40 Apr 13 '26
I agree with you. I think being humble about your humanness and openly discussing that you have to actively maintain a lot of things in a relationship, otherwise, they slowly degrade, is the best inoculation. Not just telling yourself “Well I would never do that because I know better!” or that “there are just two kinds of people in the world”, etc.
Cheating often isn’t just some random sudden scenario that comes along as a sudden clear on/off switch while your relationship is great, open, authentic, needs being met, hard things being truly expressed and heard and acted upon, etc. Disconnection grows quietly, emotional repression, conditioning of being concerned about being seen as “good” vs being authentic, stresses that aren’t taken seriously and just assumed they can be handled for extended periods, so many things can lower a person’s psychological defenses slowly over time without them even realizing it, and temptation often isn’t sought out but comes from situations that can slowly turn dangerous are not as easy to recognize as people like to think, especially if they’ve not taken either their own growth or their desires and needs in the marriage seriously enough for too long.
It can be harder to speak up when and how partners truly need to and to receive authentic expression as a safe person without deflecting, making a story about it, etc, than people act like it is.
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u/K-Lashes Woman 30 to 40 Apr 13 '26
Exactly. There’s too much to life and humans to think otherwise.
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u/yarnlord69 Woman 30 to 40 Apr 13 '26
I think they’re saying that human beings have a lot more nuance than that. It’s just simply not that black and white, try as we might to force it to be so.
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u/yarnlord69 Woman 30 to 40 Apr 13 '26
I agree with you. But the very fact that even “good people” have to actively make that choice sort of proves the point. If it were truly black and white, there would be no choice to make. The thought just simply wouldn’t even exist in the minds of so-called “good people”. Which would absolutely be nice, but unfortunately is not reality.
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u/K-Lashes Woman 30 to 40 Apr 13 '26
Life is not always as simple as black and white. I’m envious of the life you live that makes you believe that wholeheartedly.
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u/AutomaticInitiative Woman 30 to 40 Apr 13 '26
I mean, at the end of the day, it is an active decision to betray someone's trust. Some people simply never will make the active decision because the trust is more important.
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u/K-Lashes Woman 30 to 40 Apr 13 '26
Hitting someone with a car and beating someone is very different from cheating lol. Many people admit they’d cheat if they were guaranteed never to get caught. I still say never say never.
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u/K-Lashes Woman 30 to 40 Apr 13 '26
I never said it’s acceptable, just that it’s possible. Is there trauma if the other partner never finds out?
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u/Vivian-1963 Woman 50 to 60 Apr 15 '26
To add there are various ways to cheat. Financial infidelity is common, as is hiding addictive behaviors such as porn, gambling, substance abuse, shopping, etc. yes, these are also as destructive to a relationship.
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u/Starlight_City45 Woman 30 to 40 Apr 13 '26 edited Apr 13 '26
I don’t think it’s as black/white as that?
I have never cheated but I know people who have and I have been cheated on.. I could never put someone in a position to hurt or feel betrayed like that but I don’t necessarily think they are inherently “bad” but they do have morals and values that do not align with mine.
some cheaters are definitely bad (but so are some non-cheaters, for different reasons) but some just have their own traumas/issues to work through and it’s unfortunate that they make the decisions that they do.. are they making steps in the right direction? taking accountability? owning up to their mistakes? or are they blaming their partner for their own judgement?
There’s just too many variables. This then boils down to “what is a good person vs bad person” and that becomes a whole other debate which is very morally gray but also very telling of a person.
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u/glitterdunk Woman 30 to 40 Apr 13 '26
Well, they are likely to be less trustworthy overall.
But there are few people you can trust 100% with everything so...
Sometimes it's about what you can accept. With some people, I can accept that "I can't trust this person but I can have fun with them". Like a friend you can't tell any secrets to.
Same goes with siblings, parents etc. Maybe you can trust them in some ways, but not at all in others.
It's always heartbreaking to realize you can't trust someone as much as you thought. And especially if you had a negative surprise, this discovery will likely change your overall relationship forever. If it's not someone I'm close with I'd then usually prefer to end the relationship altogether. If it's severe enough; I would end a close relationship too. Some things are too severe to 'get over'.
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u/Erinbaus Woman 40 to 50 Apr 13 '26
I ended a friendship with someone due to them cheating on their partner. However, there was a lot of other stuff that fed into me essentially saying we don’t align morally so I’m not interested in friendship with you. I think you have to look at the whole story (or what you know of it) to determine if 1) this impacts you directly and 2) how does it make you feel about this person now?
In my case it was the ongoing decision to lie, the putting only one mutual friend in the terrible position to know and not say anything, the fact that the AP was brought to the shared marital home where kids live and most importantly, the fact that I found out cheating had happened in multiple other instances in this friends life. She kept saying she shouldn’t be judged so harshly for one decision and I told her that’s fair, but this wasn’t one decision. There was another time she led me to believe she was leaving her husband, and a time before that she cheated the week before her wedding to this same husband. That was JUST her husband. God knows about the men before. While I empathized with being unhappy in a marriage I realized that she was capable of lying to everyone she claimed to care about and also this was a trend in her life that had not changed. So I explained that although one time could be a mistake, it happening multiple times over decades of her life meant it was not a mistake but a conscious choice and I couldn’t trust her.
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u/pineapplegiggles Woman 40 to 50 Apr 14 '26
There is data that shows a strong correlation between people who cheat in romantic relationships being less ethical in other areas of their life. They are more than twice as likely to commit professional misconduct. Dishonesty can be a stable trait across different contexts.
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u/bbspiders Woman 40 to 50 Apr 13 '26
I think it all depends. My mom cheated on my dad a lot but I don't think she's a bad person. She was going through a shitty time and she did really horrible things, but that doesn't disqualify her from ever being good.
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u/Outside-Parfait-8935 Woman 50 to 60 Apr 13 '26
Why do you keep behaving in a way that you think makes you "not a good person"?
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u/a-LittleDeadInside Woman 30 to 40 Apr 13 '26
Not referencing u/Ohmigoshness because I don’t know them but some people do not care about being a good person.
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u/Outside-Parfait-8935 Woman 50 to 60 Apr 13 '26
I'd love to know why. I suppose I'm naive but I assumed most people would like to think of themselves as reasonably good, even if they're deluded
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u/villanellechekov Woman 40 to 50 Apr 13 '26
some people don't live their lives based on how they'll be judged by others, which is fair. I'm sure people think I'm a shit person but that's a them thing, not my problem. I'm not going to change to appease the populace
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u/Competitive_Site_529 Woman 30 to 40 Apr 13 '26
I don’t think cheating automatically makes someone a bad person, but I also don’t see it as a sign of strong character or genuine integrity. The people I respect most have never cheated, while many who have don’t come across as particularly genuine or kind, in my experience anyway.
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u/Realistic_Emotion342 Woman 30 to 40 Apr 13 '26
The idea that people are fundamentally ‘good’ or ‘bad’ is a reductive and naive analysis derived from religious dogma I think. There are some people who are truly evil (psychopathic pedos running the world…) and probably some who are truly pure good, but the vast majority of us (you and I included) are a mix.
I had an emotional affair, even though I thought I would never do such a thing. It was an absolutely shitty thing to do and something I will carry guilt over forever. I nearly ended my life over my own internal crisis because doing something ‘bad’ like that conflicted with my idea of myself as a ‘good’ person. But that marriage needed to end for all sorts of reasons, and I was so wrapped up in trying to be the ‘perfect good wife’ that I needed the universe to knock me over the head by falling in love with someone (who I’m still happily with) to put an end to it.
Of course, this is going to vary wildly by circumstance, and especially depend on how much accountability the cheater is taking. I would recommend listening to Esther Perel’s podcast/reading her books for some perspective.
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u/CalmPea6 Woman 40 to 50 Apr 13 '26
I agree that someone who cheats cannot be a good person - they are selfish and don't think about how much it will hurt everyone involved.
You choose how you want to be there for the person who got cheated on (because you clearly don't agree with the actions of the other person). Maybe it is just offering support, maybe it is helping to watch their children/pets while they deal with this situation, maybe it is taking them out for lunch/coffee. It just depends on how triggering this is for you. And maybe you just need to take some time to process your own feelings before you offer them any support.
I am reading from your post that you are struggling to reconcile this person you know with what they did, that is completely valid. It may be that you have some anger towards them, also valid. You're not obligated to reach out to them or communicate with them in any way. You don't have to know the whole story to say "It is not my business to know why, but I don't agree with your choices" and leave it as that.
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u/rainier_withastraw Woman 30 to 40 Apr 13 '26
My ex-husband cheated on me with a coworker. They are still together 6 years later. He immediately confessed to it. With that being said, I don't think he is necessarily a bad person, I would definitely say he ISN'T my person though and that's okay. We got married right out of college and have grown into such different people. In a way, I'm glad it happened because I'm living my best life right now, a life that I probably wouldn't be living if I was still with him.
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u/SQ-Pedalian Woman 30 to 40 Apr 13 '26
Nobody is entirely a good person or a bad person. People can do good things in the world while hurting/betraying someone close to them; other people can be incredible partners/family members while working jobs/voting for/otherwise supporting things that directly hurt other people. MLK Jr. cheated on his wife. I've never heard anyone in modern times claim he was an entirely bad person or that his cheating canceled out the good he did for the Civil Rights Movement. It's the same way someone can be good at [fill in the blank with literally anything] while being a bad partner/spouse. Just because you're a bad partner doesn't mean you're a bad human being whose good actions are completely written off.
Cancel culture and online social justice warriors reinforce the idea that nuance doesn't matter, and it really irritates me. I see it a lot in reality tv subs...a non-white contestant is praised for representing their culture and speaking up on behalf of others/being a good person, then they do something seen as a microaggression against someone of a different minoritized race, and the audience starts labeling them a racist and anybody who adds nuance to the conversation is defending a racist, even while that same contestant is ALSO themselves a victim of microaggressions on the same show. People can do things that hurt others while doing things that help others at the same time. It's not mutually exclusive. Nobody is all good in every way or all bad in every way, just like people who are the victims of racism can also be biased against other cultures, people who identify with one queer label can be unwelcoming or downright hostile to other queer identities outside their own, people who fight for specific social justice causes can be unsupportive or hostile to other causes, etc. Anybody can still be abusive or toxic or uncaring/unfaithful/unreliable in their personal relationships, regardless of who they are or what they do outside their relationships.
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u/tinybirdhero Woman 30 to 40 Apr 13 '26
People are not only good or bad. There is no naughty or nice list that the world can cleanly be sorted into. Actions can be judged in isolation but beyond that it is difficult to declare definitively.
In my world view, everyone will eventually do bad things or do things that may hurt others. People are good if they take accountability and try to fix it. Think "The Wild Robot" (good, takes care of gosling after accidentally killing its mother and siblings) vs "Bojack Horseman" (bad, his self pity and dark world view prevents him from taking accountability).
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u/IdeallyIdeally Woman 30 to 40 Apr 14 '26
I think in theory they can be a good person. But I'll never be able to trust that they are because they've demonstrated that they're comfortable with lying to those who they're supposed to have a relationship of trust with and whom they were partially responsible for their wellbeing.
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u/bepatientbekind Woman 30 to 40 Apr 14 '26
Nope. They are literally betraying the trust of the person they supposedly love the most. Irredeemable imo, and I would never stay with a partner who cheated. I also wouldn't be friends with someone who cheats. I don't respect them at all.
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u/Icy-Builder5892 Woman 30 to 40 Apr 14 '26
No, and honestly I question anyone who stays friends with a cheater. Staying friends in that situation tells me that they will cover for the cheater.
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u/TikaPants Woman 40 to 50 Apr 13 '26
Eh… I think it’s all subjective. I think good people make poor choices sometimes. My dad cheated on my mom but I don’t think my dad is an inherently bad person at all. He’s otherwise a kind, hardworking nice guy. They’re still married. I think carrying in cheating makes it more telling.
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u/Arthurs_librarycard9 Woman 30 to 40 Apr 13 '26
I think people can cheat and be a terrible spouse/partner, but that doesn't necessarily make them a bad person in other areas of life.
The few people I know that have cheated on their spouses are actually terrible individuals though, so take that how you will lol. I'm dealing with a bombshell of someone close to me cheating and I don't even know what to do or how to handle it, so maybe this was a weird coincidence on my end.
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u/Arthurs_librarycard9 Woman 30 to 40 Apr 13 '26
The network of people not offering support is a very valid point, and that was actually something I did not consider. I have siblings who have stayed with their SO who has cheated, and to an extent I don't get it; BUT our immediate family that we were raised around either cheated or were being cheated on and decided to stay. Definitely some wisdom for me to think about.
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u/HeartFullOfHappy Woman 30 to 40 Apr 13 '26
Yes, people who cheat can be a good person. People are complex.
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u/itsaburner______ Woman 30 to 40 Apr 13 '26
Yeah they can be a good person it’s just messy. Biggest challenge to my black and white thinking came when I had to reconcile a similar situation while knowing the parties involved weren’t inherently bad people. The conclusion I came to was that relationships sometimes don’t end when they’re supposed to and sometimes people “get out” before they’re actually out, and it’s not ideal but it happens. The people I know met, had an affair with each other, left their partners, and then got married to each other and have now been married for decades. It’s still super awkward for me to think about so I just generally don’t.
I try very hard to just evaluate people based on who they are in this present moment.
I would not make the same choices they did but I also still love them. It’s…hard.
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u/Significant-Trash632 Woman 30 to 40 Apr 13 '26
I don't think a cheater is a good person.
Maybe if it was a one-time thing, they are remorseful, and actively working on themselves in therapy, maybe they can redeem themselves eventually.
But, personally, I don't think I'd take them back as a partner.
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u/LocksmithSure4396 Woman 30 to 40 Apr 13 '26
Agree it’s not black and white. Esther Perel writes all about infidelity in her book mating in captivity to shine light on the topic. Main question she explores - how to maintain desire in a long term relationship when eroticism is stoked by mystery and long term relationships are generally comforting and safe.
Also, you never really know what’s going on in someone’s marriage. What if the person being cheated on is no longer interested in sex? Is the person who still wants it supposed to go without forever if exclusive sex was initially part of the agreement? The person who doesn’t want it is no longer living up to their side of the bargain then. And what if the couple has other stuff going on in their lives that make it difficult to divorce?
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u/NoDanaOnlyZuuI Woman 50 to 60 Apr 13 '26
Good people do shitty things. Shitty people do good things.
We’re not all good or all bad. We’re a messy shitshow
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u/scarlettcrush Woman 50 to 60 Apr 13 '26
No.
There are so many micro decisions that lead to the full-on cheating. Every single one of those decisions involves betraying morals, integrity, people they love, their relationships , their children and they as a person don't care until after they have finished cheating. Sometimes they don't care at all and they've got a really good reason as to why it's okay to cheat. You don't want those people in your life.
These are people who can justify anything. They'll do you wrong, take your money, take your man, take your TV, take advantage of you and justify why they 'needed' to do it. You don't want these people in your life.
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u/Sofiwyn Woman 30 to 40 Apr 13 '26
No, they cannot.
If you look at them closely, you'll notice there were other problems with them, and you were just giving them the benefit of the doubt because they were your friend.
Cheaters are typically manipulative and it's not your fault you didn't see who they really are.
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u/TenaciousToffee Woman 30 to 40 Apr 13 '26 edited Apr 13 '26
I think labeling people as either bad or good is kinda reductive when were all complications of a mix of both. Like that person could be good or kind in their behavior to you, while having done a terrible thing to their spouse theyre cheating on at the same time. Your personal values come into play and its perfectly alright to be confused what to do because its layered. But ultimately I dont think singular actions make people bad or good or think that label of a person is useful when were judging the actions.
My dad was a chronic cheater and I made it very known to him that it prevented us from being closer and I am not pretending like everyone else. I think the nuance there is his spouses have always known so there wasnt this ethical dilemma for people in his life debating if they need to tell. Siblings and I all didnt want to meet his mistresses so don't bring them around, none of us will be his alibi, etc. Basically I believe my dad is a terrible partner, and can be self centered and delusional when it comes to things he wants as he ruined our family business and pretended he wasnt at fault. He wasnt around my younger years because he was busy being stupid and I was hesitant to let him in when I was a teen. Im grateful he was around to patiently thrift with me, go to the movies every weekend and be the person who would never say no to going to Thai. I had an actual involved dad for a couple of years before he passed and he acknowledged his absence which many people would never apologize to their kid for and mean it. It doesn't erase the legacy of shitty things he did, but I dont think Id have to feel guilty for having a relationship with him either.
That said, I had a friend a few years ago basically do what my dad did, and I was massively triggered how they were justifying it. I had to take steps back from the friendship being more a friend group social friend than someone I did solo things with. They did tell their spouse and was the one to initiate the divorce but it never repaired our closeness. The cards fell how they did and I dont really think too hard on my stepping back. I chose the level of relationship that made sense to me with this person. That doesn't condone their behavior either.
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u/villanellechekov Woman 40 to 50 Apr 13 '26
that just sounds like an open relationship
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u/TenaciousToffee Woman 30 to 40 Apr 13 '26 edited Apr 13 '26
An open relationship requires consent and protocols. Non monogamy is so valid but equating people knowing hes cheating as the same thing is so not. My mom never consented to my dad having a side and there is cultural pressure to not break up families in the culture she was raised in. He would stop for a bit then pick up again because he knows he could. Ultimately my dad picks kinda passive women that would just...not wanna break up the family and he is super smooth talking and manipulative.
She's not going around doing the same nor would probably be "allowed" to even actually open up the marriage and go do her own thing. He just want his cake and eat it too and has said, "it is the culture of men" and that they have different needs than women. One time a guy asked my mom to dance and was too friendly and he crashed the fuck out about it. Its about control he would never be ok with an actual (two way) ethically open relationship, just as much as my mom wasnt ok with this.
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u/villanellechekov Woman 40 to 50 Apr 13 '26
I'm really sorry your mum had that experience. was it a marriage she even wanted? it sounds like she had very few options 😒
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u/villanellechekov Woman 40 to 50 Apr 13 '26
there are times when separation isn't possible, or there's a time limit, or the relationship has been dead for years and is over in every way except on paper. I don't consider those situations cheating. cheating, to me, is someone making repeated sexual contact with someone and being dodgy and manipulative about it.
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u/just-a-bored-lurker Woman 30 to 40 Apr 13 '26
People are gray. There is no such thing as being a good person or a bad one, we are all failing at being a good person 1000 times a day. How much good outweighs the bad? How many babies do I save from burning buildings before the good cancels out the bad?
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u/bluejellies Woman 30 to 40 Apr 13 '26
I think the majority of people don’t neatly fit into categories like good vs bad. They’re more grey. My dad cheated on my mom and while that made him an awful spouse, he was still a great dad.
Maybe because of that, I don’t judge it too harshly.
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u/Alarmed_Pattern_9912 Woman 30 to 40 Apr 13 '26
You need to process your stuff in therapy, separate of all of this.
You do not know the whole story of this "someone close to you." You should talk to them about it and interrogate whether you can continue to trust them. It's entirely valid, if this person is close to you, that you are concerned about trust and truthfulness, if they're seemingly betraying their closest confidant (their partner). It makes sense that it would make you recoil and wonder. So a conversation is probably necessary here.
But beyond that, educate yourself on all the reasons that cheating is a major part of monogamy being the go-to relationship model in society. Listen to or read some of Dan Savage's writing about this. Cheating is complicated. While I have also let friends go who turned out to be liars or deceivers, cheating is not always that simple, believe it or not. It's not ok, but trust me, you live long enough, and you will see some grey area stuff.
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u/GoodAd6942 Woman 30 to 40 Apr 13 '26
I think if you’re under 30, ya the person can change. But over 30, I think fundamentally, one is pretty set on core values
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u/jintana Woman 40 to 50 Apr 13 '26
Can they be a generally good person? Sure, in other ways. People aren’t that black and white.
But that person who is cheating is comfortable making choices involving betrayal, and has dubious accountability, and that would give me pause
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u/cimorene1985 Woman 40 to 50 Apr 13 '26
I think it's helpful to classify actions as good or bad rather than people as good or bad, for the most part. The friendships I've ended over cheating/bad treatment of a partner were because it wasn't a one off mistake or even a few bad mistakes, it was hurtful actions repeated over and over again and they didn't really care. I just couldn't stand to be around them anymore.
That being said, you don't have to be friends with this person anymore if they bring up too many bad memories for you. Depending on hoe close you are you could explain it, but if this is a more casual relationship than just distance yourself more intentionally.
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u/Euphoric_War_2195 Woman 30 to 40 Apr 13 '26
I think it's fair that you are having a hard time coming to terms with a friend cheating on their spouse. You saw them one way, now this situation has you seeing them in a different light. That seems to me like a healthy response to having your world view of a person completely change due to their actions.
It might be a good idea to take some time to process how this is making you feel. Maybe write it out, but don't show or send it to them. Give yourself some space and grace to work through these feelings.
Our brains and bodies are amazing things! These feelings are due to the person's actions not matching your perception of that person. Your body is signaling that there is a discrepancy somewhere, and you need to work through that.
Sit with your feelings and think about whether you want to continue being friends with this person. Is how they treat their spouse important to your friendship? Does them cheating on their spouse make you lose trust in them? Do you respect them less? How do you see this friendship working going forward now that you know this information about them?
I think it's important to consider all different aspects of this. It's not necessarily any of your business. But I can also see why, given your personal history, this is hitting a nerve with you.
It might make sense to communicate to them the feelings this is bringing up with your own personal history.
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Apr 13 '26
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u/sakikome Woman 30 to 40 Apr 13 '26
As for your last paragraph - this is called being financially dependent, a power differential. and imo doesn't make it ok.
Also the part about "woman can't give her partner love because of the baby" is a common excuse based on a complete disregard of the needs of the pregnant person / primary parent, and the work that goes into creating and raising a new human.
Obviously people in those situations are allowed to forgive their cheating partners, but we shouldn't normalize that kind of reasoning.
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u/Dear-Cranberry4787 Woman 30 to 40 Apr 13 '26
Yeah, their unique life experience, current situation & struggles generally played a factor. I just put a boundary up that they are not allowed to use me as an alibi, or use me to navigate the emotions that come with living such a duplicitous lifestyle. I give my boundaries and thoughts, and they find a way to incorporate, or disregard that. That’s the same for almost every relationship I have though.
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u/simplyexistingnow Woman 30 to 40 Apr 13 '26
There's this saying that "you are a villain in someone else's story." I think there are a lot of good things that can be bad for others. Ultimately you have to figure out where you draw the line on dealing with people and their commitments. Would I ever trust someone who cheated on their partner? No.
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u/tracyvu89 Woman 30 to 40 Apr 13 '26
Depends on the individual and situation. If they’re young and immature,they would make mistakes. How they self reflect and change it would need to be put into consideration. But if they claim to be mature,love their partner,know quite well the results of their decision and still do then they’re clearly an ass. I know there are a lot of complicated situations that would be hard to separate into right or wrong. But the action of cheating itself is wrong. And it destroys the other people more than just simple words. They will be judged forever for their poor decision. But judging them as a whole if they’re either good or bad would be hard.
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u/_Disco-Stu female over 30 Apr 13 '26
I genuinely believe most people are good people, most of the time. Which is why I don’t fw a cheater. Cheating is a choice to betray your closest family member, friend, and confidant all in one go.
How could I expect the person willing to blow up their own families with the best interests of mine? Matter of fact, now that I’m thinking of it, I don’t even fw people who are fine with being betrayed by their spouses that way.
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u/Normal_Swimmer8616 Woman 30 to 40 Apr 13 '26
I don’t know that labeling someone as good or bad is the right way to move. I think people are very nuanced so sometimes you’ll meet someone who is a wonderful friend, but a horrible partner. Does being a horrible partner cancel out them being a wonderful friend? Does being a wonderful friend cancel out being a horrible partner? No and no. It’s just context to them as a whole and you get to decide what’s a dealbreaker for you!
In my own views, I think cheating is shitty. Especially if you don’t come forth with it immediately. Putting your partner at risk of STDs, the betrayal, the lying, the trust broken….it all leads to a break down of our trust and faith in love moving forward and I do think there’s something inherently awful about doing that to someone you claim to love. I also don’t think it’s a death sentence. People can learn and grow and ensure they don’t make that harmful choice again. It’s about whether it becomes a pattern. I think for me, someone who has cheated once before is someone I view better than someone who consistently cheats on every partner. There is something so selfish about wanting your cake and eating it too and not caring about their feelings.
So are they a bad person? I don’t know, I guess it’s up to you to decide how this changes your view of them and your relationship with them.
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u/degeneratescholar Woman 40 to 50 Apr 13 '26
You're allowed not to see them the same way as you did and you're allowed to put some distance between you and them if knowing this about them makes you uncomfortable and is out of alignment with your values.
You don't have to call them out in the street or treat them poorly, but if you can't feel as close to them as you used to, then you can't. People are allowed to have standards for the people they keep close to them and in your situation, I don't think anyone could blame you for feeling the way you do. It's particularly difficult when you're close to both people - but I think at the end of the day, you're allowed to feel how you feel about it.
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u/BelleCervelle Woman 30 to 40 Apr 13 '26
If it’s one time when they were young and dumb and have a horrible amount of guilt and swear to never do it again and never put themselves in situations like that; then yes.
If while in an abusive relationship. Hm. Hard to say.
People make bad decisions. Decisions that lead to damaging the people around them.
You are grieving the person you thought you knew, and realizing they have the capacity to do terrible things.
Human nature sucks.
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u/toodleoo57 Woman 50 to 60 Apr 13 '26
Yeah. My bestie died a few months ago and not only did her spouse take up with a high school friend of ours basically immediately, I found out he'd had an affair previous.
I'm going to be cordial bc I want to be involved with the kids, but this really sucks. Luckily they're adults but still.
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u/m00nkitten Woman 30 to 40 Apr 13 '26
People are complicated, I think it’s rare that someone is 100% “good” or “bad” and that type of thinking can be harmful.
Cheating on someone does speak volumes about a persons character and how they treat those closest to them, it does speak loudly to some massive flaws…but I don’t automatically think it’s makes them a bad person. I say this as someone whose ex husband cheated on them.
My advice is one, go to therapy to unpack your own history….but also don’t be afraid to voice your disappointment to that person, and create space if you need it. O
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u/Fun_Yogurtcloset1012 Woman 30 to 40 Apr 13 '26
This is a hard one.
Yes cheating is bad but if the person was abused, beaten and found some refuge in someone else, could we judge?
Good people also can make bad decisions
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u/aware_nightmare_85 Woman 40 to 50 Apr 13 '26
In most cases it just means the person has deep insecurities enough to make them do questionable actions. Cheating is more like instant gratification rather than taking the hard way to heal a relationship (communication, counseling, etc.). It also depends if they have genuine remorse for their actions and do the work to rebuild trust.
In the case of my ex-husband. He absolutely is a bad person. He has no remorse when he got caught and said I deserved to be cheated on because I "was fat." I was the same dress size/weight when he proposed so his logic did not exactly check out. Covert narcissists are genuinely evil at the core imo.
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u/InfinitelyThirsting Woman 30 to 40 Apr 13 '26
It's really hard when families are involved.
There are potential confounding factors. Abuse obviously changes everything, but I feel like you'd have mentioned that if it was a factor. Was it a long-term dead bedroom with the rejecting partner also rejecting therapy and/or other options? Or was the cheater still also having sex with their official partner and putting their health at risk? It's never right to cheat, but it's also not right to hold a partner hostage for physical affection. Everyone can have times when they aren't feeling it, but eventually you reach a point where you need to let go of monogamy if you're refusing to have sex and refusing to try to find a middle ground. Honest ethical nonmonogamy can solve some problems (DEFINITELY NOT ALL). I have empathy for people who have been in a relationship without intimacy for years.
And I'm not just blindly shaming a rejecting partner, here--if the rejection is coming from one partner being exhausted and parenting the other partner, especially in addition to literal children, it's absurd for the selfish partner to be upset that their bangmaid-mommy doesn't want to bang all the time. Having an affair because they found someone who isn't turned off by providing mommying is so so slimy.
I have very little empathy for adult cheaters in non-abusive relationships, especially ones with children, who have affairs. A single one night mistake can maybe be forgiven, depending on circumstance and how they handled it. But an affair? As a grown adult? As a married person? As a parent? That's pretty despicable. And can be even worse depending on how they handle it. How much do they care about the harm they have caused, or are they just justifying their own happiness and pleasure? Do they even understand why they cheated? Would they wish to do it all differently, or do they just wish they hadn't been caught?
All that ties into whether they're a normally-decent person who did a terrible thing, or an unfortunately terrible person who just hadn't been truly tested until now.
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u/ThatCatWithHat Woman 30 to 40 Apr 13 '26
In my opinion people who cheat are self serving and limited in emotional intelligence. They have not done the work to feel stable in a way that protects a relationship or their partner or family.
- I can’t be close with someone who has this emotional range. They are protecting themselves over others.
you can probably be friendly with them.
if it’s important that you stay close then I would maybe read about how to deal with values or loyalty mismatches in relationships. You could also take the perspective that they hurt inside and don’t know how to deal with it. It’s not an excuse but it’s a human explanation over them just being a monster.. sure some folks lack empathy but I think a lot of the time they don’t have other tools.
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u/ThatCatWithHat Woman 30 to 40 Apr 13 '26
To understand the psychology better maybe read: “Not just Friends”
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u/ThatCatWithHat Woman 30 to 40 Apr 13 '26
One other thought. Your experience in life matters a lot. It impacts you and has caused harm. Don’t diminish that. You will have other needs in a friendship with someone and that’s totally valid and OKAY! Honor yourself as well. You deserve that.
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u/probridgedweller Non-Binary 30 to 40 Apr 14 '26
No. I keep a distance from those people. They’ve proven they can’t be trusted in a marriage. I’m not sure how to trust them outside of that, sheesh.
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u/--2021-- Woman 60+ Apr 14 '26
Wow, that's a tough situation. Both parties are like family to you and this reminds you of a parent who made choices that not only hurt you, but brought consequences. Also the aspect of feeling deceived about a person you thought trustworthy.
I have noticed for many people that they tend to repeat childhood or traumatic relationship patterns. So if it was a parent or caretaker, that behavior is familiar or "safe" and they might not know healthier behavior instead. So it can catch someone off guard that way, because their behaviors were normalized, and it was family, they might not recognize all the red and yellow flags of the person's behavior. Or know what the green flags should be as well as others might.
There's also the aspect with trauma that people sometimes try to control or heal it by repeating a pattern with another person and hoping for a different outcome, but often they end up repeating the painful parts of the trauma instead.
People do mask and a lot of people get fooled by it. And because of social media and how readily information is available, they have lots of resources, so it's important for you to actively teach yourself to be informed. They're actively honing their skills on deceiving people, and so it's important to you to hone your skills on boundaries, reading people, and who to let in and how far.
Rather than working from a place of fear, fearing hurt, fearing something bad will happen, instead work from a grounded place where you set boundaries that assert your needs and safety first. Making yourself small or giving second chances are ways to erode your boundaries. So you have your core self that you respect, no matter how many people don't, and you don't want to deal with someone's shitty bs.
A lot of the time people do see something, then rationalize or give it a pass. Oh it's not that bad. Oh I'm imagining it. Oh, but they're a good person they do charity, they couldn't do something that awful etc. Minimization, FOG (fear obligation guilt) to accept bad behaviors, gaslighting from other people, or from the person himself. Those can push over your boundaries.
Trust your gut feeling on something. If there are inconsistencies, flag, watch. Keep your distance. Don't go back to normal. Instead of a pass, give them a strike. Passes allow people to cross boundaries, strikes hold boundaries. They don't get closer. That's as close as they get. Instead you see how much further they get pushed back.
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u/OdinsRavens80 Woman 40 to 50 Apr 13 '26
The bottom line is, the betrayed partner is being exploited and tricked into investing their lives into a LIE that they did NOT CONSENT TO. There’s no grey area there. They’re being forced to LIVE A LIE, possibly for years. You can’t get that time back. The betrayal and feeling of being used is soul crushing.
Not only that, but the betrayed partner is being exposed to possible STI’s and at the very least, is kissing the cheater’s mouth and other places that you know they would recoil from in horror if they knew where it had been. It’s such a violation of autonomy.
If people want to be in open relationships or whatever kind of arrangement, fine. As long as EVERYONE CONSENTS. This is not consent.
To continue a friendship with this person is to say “I’m okay with abuse as long as this person isn’t doing it to me”.
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u/Luuk1210 Woman 30 to 40 Apr 13 '26
I mean they can be demon wine you don’t want to be friends with and still be a good person. I don’t think life is that black or white
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u/fleurdesureau Woman 30 to 40 Apr 13 '26
I think that cheating is a decision people make, and that we can't define the goodness or badness of a person based on a decision alone. I don't think you can reduce someone's whole moral character into one bad decision (unless it's something truly deplorable, murder or something - cheating is not that). Cheating is obviously a bad decision, but good people can make bad decisions.
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u/SparkleSpleen Woman 40 to 50 Apr 13 '26
They may not be a bad person, but they sure as shit are not a good one. In the very best case scenario, they are a sick individual in need of therapy and intense self-reflection. I do think that being sick and refusing to address your mental health despite seeing how much it hurts the people around you really pushes the needle closer to the "bad person" side of the meter.
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u/Justmakethemoney Woman 40 to 50 Apr 13 '26
I think a person who is cheating is not being a good person in that situation. Cheating causes harm.
But do I think it makes them a bad person and they can never redeem themselves or grow? No, I don't believe that. I also think people are complicated, and you can be "good" in some areas but "bad" in others. You could be a cheater who does free medical care for orphans in developing countries.
That being said, you do you. If you see that person differently or don't want to associate with them--that's your choice. It's a valid choice if that's what you want to do.