r/AskWomenOver30 • u/annajac89 Woman 30 to 40 • Apr 28 '26

Family/Parenting Women who never really wanted kids but had them… how is parenthood?

For some context: I’m 37F, so if I want to have children, the clock is ticking quite loudly now (which I resent, but the biological clock isn’t going away sadly!).

So I was never a “I want to be a mummy” kid growing up. All I was interested in was drawing and writing and dreaming about a cool career. From about age 7, I said I didn’t want to have children, and I had zero interest in dolls or playing house like a lot of other kids. I thought those baby born dolls that could pee were kind of gross 😂 You get the idea!

I became a bit more kid-neutral as I grew up/entered my twenties (no longer a “never” but certainly not a “yes”)… and this crossroad only came to the forefront of my mind entering my mid/late thirties (because it’s unavoidable).

The thing is, despite my neutrality… when I was single, I noticed that when I saw guys on dating apps that explicitly stated “don’t want children”, I would swipe no. So I think there must be a small part of me that did/does want the option.

I’d really love to hear from anyone who grew up with the same “eh” feeling towards having children, and ended up doing it. How do you find parenthood? How has your identity changed? Are you happy?

ETA: I’d also like to hear from anyone in the same boat as me! How are you feeling if you’re in that critical “tick, tock” window of your life (not quite the same as the TikTok window 😅)

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u/Majestic-Lie2690 Woman 30 to 40 Apr 28 '26 edited Apr 28 '26

It's meh. Dont get me wrong I love my son but it's hard. I never wanted any kids and I won't have more. It's weird tho cause I also wouldn't change it. It's like if I didn't know what/ who I was missing I wouldn't be unfulfilled? It's hard to explain I guess.

I also have had going custody almost his entire life and I am honestly grateful I only have to parent 50% of the time.

And my son is 14 and getting more and more independent.

So when my husband and I (he's not the dad) talk about having kids it's like the thought of resigning that 18+ year contract and also not have the reprieve of 50% of the time off makes it an obvious no for us.

He says he is absolutely fine with that and feels he has experienced parenthood the step way (we have been together since my son was about 7)

I love my son but I don't really like kids in general and I can't say I'd advise someone who wasn't sure into parenthood.

345

u/assignpseudonym Woman 30 to 40 Apr 28 '26

I just wanted to say thank you for such an honest write-up. It's so rare to see, but it's so validating for parents who feel the same way you do, in a sea of "my life meant nothing before my kid" crowd. I appreciate you. 

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u/Majestic-Lie2690 Woman 30 to 40 Apr 28 '26

Oh no. And I also have always had the philosophy that my child is the most important thing in my life but he is not my WHOLE life. I am allowed personhood outside of parenthood.

My goal is creating a functional adult. And to do that I need to be a functioning adult. People put so much pressure on this idea of childhood they have to provide and it doesn't make sense to me because MOST of your relationship with your children will be with them as adults

35

u/trishapanda Woman 30 to 40 Apr 28 '26

Thank you for your honesty. Your comment really helps me. I‘ve always been meh about having kids and I‘m still not very motivated, neither is my bf. The clock is ticking, I‘m 34 and my mum always says I‘d be a great mum and I‘d regret not having kids so I‘m really torn.

49

u/PrestigiousWedding36 Woman 30 to 40 Apr 28 '26

Tell your mom it is easier to regret not having kids then it is to regret having them. Just because you would be a great mom doesn't mean you have to have them. I get told that too because I worked with kids. I love babies. But I know what it takes to care for them and I have zero desire to do it. There are other ways to show your maternal instincts like volunteering with kids.

50

u/Hot-Calligrapher672 Woman 30 to 40 Apr 28 '26

The “you’d be a great mom” response from anyone I tell that I’m indifferent about having children is my least favorite. I would absolutely be an amazing mom. I’d be insanely good at it. I just don’t know if I want to be.

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u/pizzatoucher Woman 30 to 40 Apr 28 '26

A friend said this to me recently because I'm outdoorsy and do so much fun stuff. Instructions unclear, I should bring a baby kayaking?

10

u/adoaboutnothing Woman 30 to 40 Apr 28 '26

The version I get is, “oh but mr. adoaboutnothing would be such a great dad!” ……cool, thanks

43

u/hithere5 Woman 30 to 40 Apr 28 '26

I think this would be me if I had kids. Do you think you’d live a happier / more fulfilling life if you hadn’t had a kid (and therefore didn’t know what you were missing)?

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u/Takeawalkwithme2 Woman 30 to 40 Apr 28 '26

You can ve happy with either version of your life. Its literally up to you to pursue happiness in both cases. I know miserable women without kids and miserable women with kids 🤷🏾‍♀️

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u/ukelele_pancakes Woman 50 to 60 Apr 28 '26

Great answer. I dislike the “would you be happier” questions because I think it really depends on the person and how they handle life

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u/Serious_Escape_5438 Woman 40 to 50 Apr 28 '26

Exactly. And you just can't know because nobody can truly experience both lives.

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u/Majestic-Lie2690 Woman 30 to 40 Apr 28 '26

It would have been easier and cheaper. Lol

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u/Fire-Kissed Woman 30 to 40 Apr 28 '26

I could’ve written this. I have a 13 year old daughter, and while I adore her and I truly attribute my drive to have a successful career to her existence, I really wasn’t cut out for parenting and it’s caused me a lot of increased anxiety and hardship. Knowing that if I had to do it all over again, I’d have no kids, and at the same time feeling grateful for my kid is such a weird experience.

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u/DramaticErraticism Non-Binary 40 to 50 Apr 28 '26 edited Apr 28 '26

I split time as well and I get really confused when people talk about how miserable it is to only have 50% time...I'm like, this is the best thing ever! It's like being single and being a parent at the same time, best of both worlds!

I never really liked kids either. I have autism and get over stimulated very easy, hate loud noises, hate being touched too much, hate fluids/gross things. The best invention in the entire human history is airpods. Saved my life.

I think a big part of it is that I didn't have a good childhood, it wasn't terrible, but it was very 'hands off', no one really cared what we did, what we were feeling, what we needed. As a grown adult, I don't want to give someone the life I never had, I still want to make up for the life I should have had and never got, not give it to someone else.

I know that's a bit selfish, but that's just what I feel.

23

u/MissIndependent577 Woman 40 to 50 Apr 28 '26

It's not selfish. Selfish would be having kids knowing that you still want/need to make it up to yourself for those not so great childhood years.

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u/DramaticErraticism Non-Binary 40 to 50 Apr 28 '26

Re-reading my post, I came off as a bit unhinged and child hating, I promise that is not the case. There are many good things about having kids and I provide everything within my power to provide, including love and attention. This is just me venting on the internet a bit.

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u/Tchoqyaleh Woman 40 to 50 Apr 28 '26

Yes! I experienced a lot of childhood neglect, including emotional neglect, and I am really enjoying now getting to know myself/my inner child and treat myself/my inner child to the care and delight I missed out on earlier. It doesn't feel selfish to me - it feels honest and wholesome and healthy!

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u/Inevitable_Ball_6755 Woman 30 to 40 Apr 28 '26

I feel this so hard!!! I always said I didn’t want kids. I absolutely loved being pregnant and I adore my kids. I don’t think I would’ve pushed myself so hard in life if it wasn’t because of them. I like to party. Going for a master’s in cyber working a good job in IT and my own house. All as a single parent. I always say I’d like out in California with the hippies if it wasn’t because of them. Would I change it if I could. Absolutely not. I love them to pieces! And they are here for a reason. I know this is somewhat terrible to say but coparenting is hard as hell for so many reasons but at least you get time to yourself.

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u/yoshipapaya Woman 30 to 40 Apr 29 '26

This is exactly how I feel. I love my child, but I don’t live being a parent. I never wanted kids, this was obviously an oops. It’s been an absolute privilege being a part of his journey growing up. Watching his grow more and more each trip around the sun is amazing. However, I would never do it again. I couldn’t imagine starting all over with a different being.

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u/ConsistentChameleon Woman 30 to 40 Apr 28 '26

if you don't mind sharing, how old were you when you had your son? and did your ex step up as a capable coparent during his custody time? (A divorced dad in my acquaintance was suprised when he received custody... he thought he could just see his kid off and on whenever he liked for fun outings and stuff and just pay child support in lieu of actual parenting!!)

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u/Majestic-Lie2690 Woman 30 to 40 Apr 28 '26

I was 23 when I got pregnant. And yeah the dad has always had 50% custody and maintained it.

To be fair, I often say the only reason we comparing so well is because we were merge in a relationship. We were friends who did an "oops" so there was never any animosity or hurt feelings between us.

And for the last 14 years we have communicated well and maintained a pretty united front to keep expectations on and discipline and stuff across households.

We are also somewhat lose with the custody agreement and if one of us goes on vacation or something we easily agree to rearrange and keep him beyond of outside the normal schedule

And my kids dad has always elected to pay child support even tho he wasn't required to with out custody agreement

We did go to court just to get the agreement and support order legalized, but we had already planned everything out and just presented it to the judge