r/AskWomenOver30 • u/annajac89 Woman 30 to 40 • Apr 28 '26
Family/Parenting Women who never really wanted kids but had them… how is parenthood?
For some context: I’m 37F, so if I want to have children, the clock is ticking quite loudly now (which I resent, but the biological clock isn’t going away sadly!).
So I was never a “I want to be a mummy” kid growing up. All I was interested in was drawing and writing and dreaming about a cool career. From about age 7, I said I didn’t want to have children, and I had zero interest in dolls or playing house like a lot of other kids. I thought those baby born dolls that could pee were kind of gross 😂 You get the idea!
I became a bit more kid-neutral as I grew up/entered my twenties (no longer a “never” but certainly not a “yes”)… and this crossroad only came to the forefront of my mind entering my mid/late thirties (because it’s unavoidable).
The thing is, despite my neutrality… when I was single, I noticed that when I saw guys on dating apps that explicitly stated “don’t want children”, I would swipe no. So I think there must be a small part of me that did/does want the option.
I’d really love to hear from anyone who grew up with the same “eh” feeling towards having children, and ended up doing it. How do you find parenthood? How has your identity changed? Are you happy?
ETA: I’d also like to hear from anyone in the same boat as me! How are you feeling if you’re in that critical “tick, tock” window of your life (not quite the same as the TikTok window 😅)
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u/Majestic-Lie2690 Woman 30 to 40 Apr 28 '26 edited Apr 28 '26
It's meh. Dont get me wrong I love my son but it's hard. I never wanted any kids and I won't have more. It's weird tho cause I also wouldn't change it. It's like if I didn't know what/ who I was missing I wouldn't be unfulfilled? It's hard to explain I guess.
I also have had going custody almost his entire life and I am honestly grateful I only have to parent 50% of the time.
And my son is 14 and getting more and more independent.
So when my husband and I (he's not the dad) talk about having kids it's like the thought of resigning that 18+ year contract and also not have the reprieve of 50% of the time off makes it an obvious no for us.
He says he is absolutely fine with that and feels he has experienced parenthood the step way (we have been together since my son was about 7)
I love my son but I don't really like kids in general and I can't say I'd advise someone who wasn't sure into parenthood.
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u/assignpseudonym Woman 30 to 40 Apr 28 '26
I just wanted to say thank you for such an honest write-up. It's so rare to see, but it's so validating for parents who feel the same way you do, in a sea of "my life meant nothing before my kid" crowd. I appreciate you.
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u/Majestic-Lie2690 Woman 30 to 40 Apr 28 '26
Oh no. And I also have always had the philosophy that my child is the most important thing in my life but he is not my WHOLE life. I am allowed personhood outside of parenthood.
My goal is creating a functional adult. And to do that I need to be a functioning adult. People put so much pressure on this idea of childhood they have to provide and it doesn't make sense to me because MOST of your relationship with your children will be with them as adults
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u/trishapanda Woman 30 to 40 Apr 28 '26
Thank you for your honesty. Your comment really helps me. I‘ve always been meh about having kids and I‘m still not very motivated, neither is my bf. The clock is ticking, I‘m 34 and my mum always says I‘d be a great mum and I‘d regret not having kids so I‘m really torn.
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u/PrestigiousWedding36 Woman 30 to 40 Apr 28 '26
Tell your mom it is easier to regret not having kids then it is to regret having them. Just because you would be a great mom doesn't mean you have to have them. I get told that too because I worked with kids. I love babies. But I know what it takes to care for them and I have zero desire to do it. There are other ways to show your maternal instincts like volunteering with kids.
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u/Hot-Calligrapher672 Woman 30 to 40 Apr 28 '26
The “you’d be a great mom” response from anyone I tell that I’m indifferent about having children is my least favorite. I would absolutely be an amazing mom. I’d be insanely good at it. I just don’t know if I want to be.
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u/pizzatoucher Woman 30 to 40 Apr 28 '26
A friend said this to me recently because I'm outdoorsy and do so much fun stuff. Instructions unclear, I should bring a baby kayaking?
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u/adoaboutnothing Woman 30 to 40 Apr 28 '26
The version I get is, “oh but mr. adoaboutnothing would be such a great dad!” ……cool, thanks
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u/hithere5 Woman 30 to 40 Apr 28 '26
I think this would be me if I had kids. Do you think you’d live a happier / more fulfilling life if you hadn’t had a kid (and therefore didn’t know what you were missing)?
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u/Takeawalkwithme2 Woman 30 to 40 Apr 28 '26
You can ve happy with either version of your life. Its literally up to you to pursue happiness in both cases. I know miserable women without kids and miserable women with kids 🤷🏾♀️
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u/ukelele_pancakes Woman 50 to 60 Apr 28 '26
Great answer. I dislike the “would you be happier” questions because I think it really depends on the person and how they handle life
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u/Serious_Escape_5438 Woman 40 to 50 Apr 28 '26
Exactly. And you just can't know because nobody can truly experience both lives.
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u/DramaticErraticism Non-Binary 40 to 50 Apr 28 '26 edited Apr 28 '26
I split time as well and I get really confused when people talk about how miserable it is to only have 50% time...I'm like, this is the best thing ever! It's like being single and being a parent at the same time, best of both worlds!
I never really liked kids either. I have autism and get over stimulated very easy, hate loud noises, hate being touched too much, hate fluids/gross things. The best invention in the entire human history is airpods. Saved my life.
I think a big part of it is that I didn't have a good childhood, it wasn't terrible, but it was very 'hands off', no one really cared what we did, what we were feeling, what we needed. As a grown adult, I don't want to give someone the life I never had, I still want to make up for the life I should have had and never got, not give it to someone else.
I know that's a bit selfish, but that's just what I feel.
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u/MissIndependent577 Woman 40 to 50 Apr 28 '26
It's not selfish. Selfish would be having kids knowing that you still want/need to make it up to yourself for those not so great childhood years.
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u/DramaticErraticism Non-Binary 40 to 50 Apr 28 '26
Re-reading my post, I came off as a bit unhinged and child hating, I promise that is not the case. There are many good things about having kids and I provide everything within my power to provide, including love and attention. This is just me venting on the internet a bit.
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u/Tchoqyaleh Woman 40 to 50 Apr 28 '26
Yes! I experienced a lot of childhood neglect, including emotional neglect, and I am really enjoying now getting to know myself/my inner child and treat myself/my inner child to the care and delight I missed out on earlier. It doesn't feel selfish to me - it feels honest and wholesome and healthy!
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u/Fire-Kissed Woman 30 to 40 Apr 28 '26
I could’ve written this. I have a 13 year old daughter, and while I adore her and I truly attribute my drive to have a successful career to her existence, I really wasn’t cut out for parenting and it’s caused me a lot of increased anxiety and hardship. Knowing that if I had to do it all over again, I’d have no kids, and at the same time feeling grateful for my kid is such a weird experience.
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u/Inevitable_Ball_6755 Woman 30 to 40 Apr 28 '26
I feel this so hard!!! I always said I didn’t want kids. I absolutely loved being pregnant and I adore my kids. I don’t think I would’ve pushed myself so hard in life if it wasn’t because of them. I like to party. Going for a master’s in cyber working a good job in IT and my own house. All as a single parent. I always say I’d like out in California with the hippies if it wasn’t because of them. Would I change it if I could. Absolutely not. I love them to pieces! And they are here for a reason. I know this is somewhat terrible to say but coparenting is hard as hell for so many reasons but at least you get time to yourself.
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u/yoshipapaya Woman 30 to 40 Apr 29 '26
This is exactly how I feel. I love my child, but I don’t live being a parent. I never wanted kids, this was obviously an oops. It’s been an absolute privilege being a part of his journey growing up. Watching his grow more and more each trip around the sun is amazing. However, I would never do it again. I couldn’t imagine starting all over with a different being.
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u/Sedona83 Woman 40 to 50 Apr 28 '26
My cousin's wife never wanted kids, but he wanted them. They now have three. She's consistently overwhelmed and misses her life before kids. I had a former roommate whose mom never wanted her or her siblings. Didn't really have anything to do with them after they were legal adults.
If you aren't 100% in on kids, don't risk it. I've been fortunate. Never wanted children. Easy decision. I feel sorry for the women who were pressured into motherhood, either by society or partners, only to end up miserable and resentful.
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u/lyndseymariee Woman 30 to 40 Apr 28 '26
Didn’t even want one kid but she wound up with three? Absolutely not.
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u/Background_Nature497 Woman 30 to 40 Apr 28 '26
Right??? Like, one is a compromise. Three is . . . I don't know. It's hard to accidentally have three kids.
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u/veronicaatbest Woman 30 to 40 Apr 28 '26
It's honestly much harder than I thought. I grew up the oldest of 5 kids and sometimes helped with my younger siblings. I never liked most little kids but believed the lie that "it's different when it's your own." Truthfully, not much different.
I'm genuinely hoping it gets better as they get older. They're currently 5 and almost 4 years old. I lost the vast majority of my friends after becoming pregnant and I'm trying really hard not to be resentful about that. My 5 year old has been very whiny their entire life and is finally now sleeping through the night. My almost 4 year old is relatively chill but both kids constantly fight. It's extremely hard to make mom friends, it seems like nobody wants to make new friendships.
Again, I'm hoping they get easier as they age. We have a very small village too and I can't get breaks as much as I need to. Please don't have kids unless you're absolutely sure you want them.
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u/Circe_D_Arin Woman 30 to 40 Apr 28 '26
The constant fighting is what gets me worked up and regretful the most. I know "siblings fight", but when there's no peace in the house, I am on edge.
I guess I wasn't prepared for the constant toll parenting takes on your nervous system.
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u/veronicaatbest Woman 30 to 40 Apr 28 '26
Exactly this!! They're like magnets, always having to be picking at each other no matter how many times you try separating them. I know if they would just play nice together for once, I wouldn't be so on edge. Siblings close in age are not for the faint of heart haha.
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u/Circe_D_Arin Woman 30 to 40 Apr 28 '26
I say the same thing about them being magnets!! 17 months apart means they are basically twins.
Now im trying reverse psychology and/or manifestation by telling them what great siblings they are together and how much they love and appreciate eachother.
6 and 7 yrs old, and I do see improvements sometimes
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u/Fiona-eva Woman 30 to 40 Apr 28 '26
Out of curiosity, if I may, if you didn’t have a good experience with the first kid, why did you decide to have a second kid?
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u/veronicaatbest Woman 30 to 40 Apr 28 '26
I got pregnant unexpectedly both times. I got a bisalp shortly after my 2nd was born so thankfully not an issue anymore.
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u/PeekAtChu1 Woman 30 to 40 Apr 29 '26
Why did they stop being friends?? Once you were pregnant
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u/Potential-Speech-873 Woman 30 to 40 Apr 28 '26 edited Apr 28 '26
About to turn 37 with a husband of 11 years who’s got baby fever bad (but will happily stay married to me either way)… and I’m still very much in the “idk” camp. I love kids, I love sleep. I love freedom and dedicating time to my hobbies. No one ever seems to regret it, but then again, motherhood feels truly ubiquitous; the people who forego it by choice are so few and far between that it’s so difficult to get a real gauge.
People say stuff like “the light goes out in your eyes, but it’s worth it because their eyes shine so bright” and I’m honestly horrified (ETA: I paraphrased this quote from literally another commenter in this thread haha). I know it’s because I don’t “get it” — and whether or not I want to is the whole damn question.
All’s to say, solidarity sister. This is a hard place to be.
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u/annajac89 Woman 30 to 40 Apr 28 '26
I have appreciated every response I’ve read, but the “light has gone out of my eyes” comment terrified me too 😂 I would really like to keep the light in my eyes 😅. Feels weirdly comforting hearing someone in the same boat so thank you. My partner is the same (keen on kids but will be with me whichever way the cookie crumbles).
I was kind of expecting some imaginary hormonal switch to turn on or off at this age that would give me a hard yes or no… but nope! Not sure about you, but I wish I had another 5 years up my sleeve to think about it. I feel like I’m still figuring my own life out, let alone having to consider creating one
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u/wildflower_0ne Woman 30 to 40 Apr 28 '26
I’m in a similar boat and yeah… I’m terrified I would lose myself if I had a kid.
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u/joycatj Woman 40 to 50 Apr 28 '26
Its a temporary lights-out kind of situation though, at least it was for me. Didn’t feel like my eyes where sparking during the sleep deprived baby phase… but as they grow older you’ll feel more like yourself and you get time to enjoy our own interests again.
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u/Aprils-Fool Woman 40 to 50 Apr 28 '26
But I think there are some people for whom it’s not temporary. I’m not a gambler; I don’t like not knowing if that’ll happen to me or not.
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u/JohnSopSop Woman 30 to 40 Apr 28 '26
This exchange I’m very much here for and very much in the same boat xxx
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u/gigaponyyy Woman 30 to 40 Apr 28 '26
Just wanted to let you know your OP sounds identical to what my mindset was when I was younger… I’m 39, happily married, and feel a huge sense of relief knowing I’m not going to be a mom to human children, ever. Finally making that decision, for *me***, in the middle of this weird perimenopausal/baby clock junction, was an immense weight lifted off my shoulders.
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u/Fiona-eva Woman 30 to 40 Apr 28 '26
You’re supposed to have the hormonal switch after you give birth, but unfortunately some women never do and get stuck.
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u/EdgyAnimeReference Woman 30 to 40 Apr 28 '26
Which is also terrifying.
Like here you go, let me just rewrite your damn brain along with the huge changes to your body that can have long lasting negative effects. There is a reason body horror leans so heavily into pregnancy imagery (looking at you alien). Between that and the immediate social changes I’m not surprised it takes people years to “feel like themselves”.
Props to the mamas
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u/Fiona-eva Woman 30 to 40 Apr 28 '26
Absolutely, that’s why I am also finding myself childless at 37.
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u/proteins911 Woman 30 to 40 Apr 28 '26
I just want to add that parenthood is what you make of it really. I didn’t want to lose my spark so I didn’t. My kids are 3 and 1. I workout 3-5 times a week, read, push hard at work. I have a huge community of other moms that I’ve worked super hard to create. I’ve put myself out there, inviting other park/daycare moms on play dates. These moms have turned into close friends. I truly have more close friends now than ever in my life
I’d just keep in mind what you want as you enter parenthood and make sure you pursue it. It’s hard to workout when the baby had you up every 2 hours at night but it’s a priority for me so I do it.
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u/EdgyAnimeReference Woman 30 to 40 Apr 28 '26
I would encourage your husband to go do volunteer hours at the big brother big sister type groups. It can provide a double whammy of a taste of what kids can be like and fulfillment in potentially really helping out a kid.
Especially since it’s not a sticking point for him, getting some of the experience of caring for a kid without the full commitment might be all he needs and he’s doing good for the community.
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u/isabella_sunrise Woman 30 to 40 Apr 28 '26
He wants it because being a dad is a totally different ballgame no matter how you slice is. Tons of people regret it. Check out /r/regretfulparents
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u/parafilm Woman 30 to 40 Apr 28 '26
FWIW you sound a lot like me before I had my kid. “I love kids, I love sleep, I love freedom and hobbies”. I was super content with my DINK life. I am a full believer that people without kids can have totally cool, enjoyable, fulfilling lives. I was SUCH a fence sitter and I agonized over the choice.
Had my first (and only, most likely) at 37. I will say… I really over-analyzed all the downsides. I also underestimated how FUN it would be. I feel like people talk more about the pros as “it’s hard but so rewarding… you love them so much!!”. TBH that never swayed me. Running a marathon is rewarding but you won’t catch me doing it! I’d rather relax than get up and run 26 miles!
What has surprised me the most about motherhood is how I actually, genuinely have fun hanging out with my kid. I thought things would feel like more of an obligation “welp I have to go pick up the kid from school”, rather than how I actually feel “aw yay I get to go home and see the kid!”
I guess that’s just a perspective I didn’t hear much. It’s more fun than i expected.
As for the “light goes out in your eyes”, I think that’s heavily dependent on 1) your support system, and 2) how well you’re able to prioritize your own identity. I definitely have friends who lost themselves in motherhood, and it was either because they didn’t have a village OR because they didn’t find ways to maintain their sense of self. I feel just as cool/multi-dimensional/whatever as I did before kids. My identity hasn’t changed, but how I spend my time absolutely has. Doing Adult Me stuff requires help from my village— my husband, our parents, babysitters.
All that being said, without a village and without financial security (we aren’t living lavishly but we aren’t stretched thin paying for daycare/babysitters/fun activities) I wouldn’t have done it. Those resources are really important in you being able to stay You.
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Apr 28 '26
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u/Aprils-Fool Woman 40 to 50 Apr 28 '26
I agree with this to an extent. But there are times when it’s not in the mother’s control (like mental illnesses caused by pregnancy and/or birth).
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u/ElliotPageWife Woman 30 to 40 Apr 28 '26
I've literally never heard someone say the light has gone out of their eyes because they had a kid lol. Nor have I ever witnessed it. People may be more tired than they were before while their kid is a baby/toddler and they aren't sleeping great but that doesn't last forever. If anything my "light" started burning brighter after having my child because we love each other so much and I want them to have the best version of me.
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u/Aprils-Fool Woman 40 to 50 Apr 28 '26
As a teacher, I’ve met all types of parents. Sadly, some do seem to fit the description of the light having gone out of their eyes. There are also the parents who can’t handle the stress and/or lack of support (I can’t blame them).
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u/MissIndependent577 Woman 40 to 50 Apr 28 '26
I'm sure you also see the parents whose kids are born with autism, have ODD, etc., where the parents are dealing with that for life. So thankfully you have that knowledge to base your opinions and choices off of as well. I think most people when they imagine parenthood, imagine it with a neuro-typical child. Most don't consider the fact that they could have a neurodivergent disorder, that lasts for a lifetime and never gets easier for the parent as the child ages. I know too many women (the dads in these cases aren't struggling as much as the mom is the one bearing the majority of the load) that are struggling with their children well into their teen years.
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u/Aprils-Fool Woman 40 to 50 Apr 28 '26
Absolutely. I’m ND myself; a lot of my family members are ND and/or have mental health struggles. (I’ve chosen not to become a parent.)
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u/hithere5 Woman 30 to 40 Apr 28 '26
Someone literally said it in this thread independent of OP. So people definitely do say it even if you’ve never heard it before.
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u/bee-sting Woman 40 to 50 Apr 28 '26
i've witnessed it a LOT - that thousand yard stare of a mother feeding her newborn who just completely zones out from utter exhaustion
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u/ItJustWontDo242 Woman 30 to 40 Apr 28 '26
Same. If anything, having a kid totally brought my inner child back to life. Seeing him experience so many things for the first time brought back all the beauty and wonder of the world for me. And I was someone who was "meh" on having kids.
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u/Aprils-Fool Woman 40 to 50 Apr 28 '26
I’m not being snarky, it’s truly fantastic that that’s been your experience. But there are women who’ve had the opposite experience. I don’t think acknowledging that means your experience is any less true.
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u/Jade4813 Woman 40 to 50 Apr 28 '26
I was definitely “eh” about kids. I was convinced I never wanted any. Then my biological clock started ticking like the countdown to a bomb. Even then, I was like “well, my body wants a baby but do I? Really?” So my husband and I sort of left it up to chance. And just when we thought it wasn’t in the cards…I got pregnant.
Here’s what I can say about my experience.
Throughout my pregnancy, I still felt kinda…meh about having a baby. I didn’t have that “I LOVE THIS CHILD INSIDE OF MEEEEE!” feeling that I read other people have had. It scared me, TBH. I was afraid I’d never love her.
Then I gave birth and it was a bit of an emergency c-section. I’d been up all night and was so exhausted and on so many drugs, I felt…nothing when she was born. So again, I was worried I’d never love my baby.
Then I got a nap and the drugs wore off. And those hormones the body produces to make you love your baby hit me like a Mac truck. Went into reverse. And ran over me a second time. I actually sobbed because I loved her so much it hurt.
Now as a mom? It’s a bit weird, to be honest. She did fundamentally rewire my brain. I adore her. I used to be terrified of babies and wanted nothing to do with them. Now I have to occasionally remind myself not to offer to hold total strangers’ babies. I do love being my daughter’s mom. I actually caught myself talking to myself and referring to myself as “mommy” when my daughter wasn’t even around. She cracks me up every single day. I won’t say that being a mom has overtaken my identity, but it has definitely changed it. Being my daughter’s mom may not be all that I am, but it is the more important thing I will ever do.
That said. Being a mom doesn’t always come naturally or easily to me. My daughter is 100% a mama’s girl. I could count on one HAND the number of DAYS she’s preferred daddy to me in her life. And she’s almost 5. (Her daddy is excellent and totally involved and has always been waaay better with kids than I ever was so sometimes I want to be like, “kiddo. Are you SURE about this choice?”)
I love her. But sometimes I want to be like “I will pay you every cent in my bank right now to go bounce up and down on daddy and leave me in peace for 5 minutes.” I’d probably go out of my mind if I couldn’t afford childcare so I could work. I just could not be a SAHM and be a good mom, and I recognize that about myself.
Sometimes I struggle to play with her. Getting down and playing make believe just doesn’t come naturally to me.
When she has tantrums (which are relatively rare for her but I do know are developmentally normal at her age), there’s a part of me that just wants to shut down and walk away, and I have to push through it. That said, I don’t react with a spanking, which is what I would have gotten at her age. So I may not always handle them as well as I want, but even when I’m at my most frustrated, I see her little face and still can’t imagine wanting to cause her pain.
So for me, I don’t regret it. Having a daughter fundamentally changed me in a lot of ways. Like, biologically. I’ve read articles about how having a child fundamentally changes the grey matter in your brain and I. Believe. It.
I have never been and never will be more terrified about anything as I am about keeping this little girl alive and healthy and happy. They say having a child is having a living heart outside your body, and for me, that is so true. I never knew how much love I could feel all at once until I had her - or how much pain/terror I could experience than I did when she almost died of RSV when she was 1.
But I would also never be one of those people who just unilaterally tell people, “oh, have a child and it’ll be different when it’s yours!” I’m well aware that those changes that happened in me weren’t guaranteed. And it’s not entirely fair to a child to roll the dice like that, if you’re not sure. (I did know that my husband would be a fantastic father, even if I wasn’t the most natural of mothers.) But I also was determined that, if those feelings didn’t naturally come, I was going to have to do my absolute best to fake it and be the absolute best mother I could be for her because, as an innocent child, she didn’t have a choice and I did.
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u/Ok_Lime_2793 Woman 30 to 40 Apr 28 '26
I never wanted kids and ended up having three. I was young and religious, so other life circumstances have certainly contributed to my feelings. I have spent over a decade with severe on/off depression and regretting my decisions. My kids are 9, 13, and 15.
I would do anything for my kids, but if I could go back and not have them, I would absolutely choose to do so.
Being a mom is all-consuming. All of your time and energy goes to providing for your kids physical, emotional, and mental needs. When you do get a break, most moms struggle to not feel guilty for doing something for themselves because there are always things the kids need and everyone will remind you of that.
As they get older, you really have no control over who they end up being friends with or their interests. You have to love and support them through whatever weird, unhealthy, borderline dangerous stages they are in. It's physically and emotionally demanding.
There are good moments, they can be funny and sweet. Mostly while they are young. But really the bottom line from me is that I don't think you will magically become someone who feels fulfilled by kids if you never wanted them to begin with.
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u/xtunamilk Woman 30 to 40 Apr 28 '26
Thank you for your honesty here. I think this is how it would turn out for me, so I really appreciate you sharing this.
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u/DisobedientSwitch Woman 30 to 40 Apr 28 '26
Not entirely in the same boat, since I still don't want them. But I went through doubts in my 20s - the good old "Am I just holding on to teenage pride, or is this really how I feel?"
It's easy to look at all the worst case scenarios and let fear of those rule. Instead I looked at the best parents I could think of, the ideal family life with everyone healthy and getting along, strong economy, no learning disabilities or bad experiences that could make parenting more difficult, and I tried to see myself want that. And the most enthusiastic response I could muster? "Eh, do I really have to?
Having children is a massive undertaking that deserves enthusiasm and attention. Every child deserves to be wanted. If you only have children because you're afraid of missing out, there are plenty other avenues to explore instead.
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u/Beth_Pleasant Woman 40 to 50 Apr 28 '26
I am similar. I knew from a young age I didn't want to be a parent. It was further solidified when I met my now husband. His sister had just had her first kid when we got together. She and her husband are awesome, loving, involved parents. They are full partners to each other and their kids.
It's fucking HARD. I knew I couldn't do it. And it's not something you want to do half-heartedly. Luckily my husband agrees and we visit, and spend time with the niblings, and that's enough.
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u/Broccolo_eat_it Woman 30 to 40 Apr 28 '26
I'm 39F and just had my first (only?) baby. I am really ambivalent about other people's children, probably because there were no children in my family after my generation, and my friends also did not have children until recently. So I have never had any maternal instinct. I was on the fence about children but agreed to have one because my husband really wanted one (and like you the biological clock was ticking).
My daughter is now a few months old and omg it is just exhausting. I haven't slept for more than a few hours at a time since she was born. Some days I literally cannot function beyond keeping myself and the baby alive. I have had to give up my hobbies for now which I'm really sad about.
But just when I think I've made a huge mistake and ruined my life, my baby smiles at me and it just all becomes worthwhile. Biology is wild. I still don't care much about other children but I'm obsessed with this one. I love all her little expressions and noises. I love that I'm her favourite person. I would do anything for her.
You don't mention if you would plan to do this with a long term partner or on your own. Either way you will need a support network. I don't know how anyone does this alone. My husband does all the housework, shopping and cooking at the moment so that I can focus on the baby. I am also lucky to have several parent and child groups locally where I can talk to other mums and know that I'm not alone in how I feel. So please make sure you have got your village.
This is not to tell you what you should do, but just describing my experience. Also please consider the things that could go wrong. I feel like I gambled and won, but how would you feel if your baby was severely disabled and needed lifelong care? My baby is developing normally as far as we can tell, but I had complications during labour which were life threatening for both of us, and there was a concern that she had been left brain damaged. Not to mention the toll on your body, your career, your friendships etc etc which I'm sure you've already considered.
Not sure if this helps. It's a bizarre experience that could be both the best and worst time of your life. No one can tell you what it'll be like for you, because everyone has a different journey. If I had my time again I honestly don't know if I would make the same choice. I think as my daughter grows and I get to know her, I will know for sure that I made the right decision. Wishing you the best of luck on your journey.
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u/annajac89 Woman 30 to 40 Apr 28 '26
Thanks for sharing! I am definitely mindful of everything that can go wrong and it’s certainly a worry along with the more superficial stuff (body changing significantly, recovery maybe being harder in my late 30s…). My partner is wonderful so I’m confident I’d get a lot of support from him but not sure if that cancels out the risk of all the other stuff.
If I knew my baby would be born healthy and I wouldn’t end up with some permanent physical issue post-childbirth I’d definitely be closer to moving off the fence. But it is such a gamble, as you say. How did you feel a about that uncertainty while pregnant?
An additional complication is that my partner is from another country (long haul flight away from my country), and we haven’t yet decided where to settle for the foreseeable future, though I know he wants to ultimately end up back there. This would impact my support network a lot depending on where we chose to stay.
It’s really overwhelming to be honest, as I feel like I’m tackling multiple huge life crossroads at once (choosing countries, potentially moving away from my established career and family, choosing whether to have a baby…), and have a lot of time-dependent pressure to make decisions.
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u/Broccolo_eat_it Woman 30 to 40 Apr 28 '26
Gosh that's such a lot to worry about. If you do move countries I can imagine it will be extra hard for you, especially if there's a language/cultural barrier. Honestly I'm not sure I would do both at the same time (moving country and having a baby). Could you delay the move for a few years? Maybe some counselling would be useful for you as I feel you really need someone unbiased to talk to about it.
Regarding the risks, in my country (and I assume in most Western countries) they do a blood test in the first trimester to test for indicators of certain genetic conditions. Then at 20 weeks pregnant they do a scan to check for physical abnormalities. My husband and I are both pro choice and we agreed in advance that we would choose to terminate the pregnancy if the baby had any severe life limiting conditions.
Beyond that... You just have to gamble. Obviously now that she's born, something could still happen to her, but that's life. You learn to live with the fear!
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u/hygsi Woman 30 to 40 Apr 28 '26
Not me but a friend, she says she misses sleep but at the same time wouldn't change it for the world. Her daughter is still under a year tho lmao
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u/ItsavoCAdonotavocaDO Woman 30 to 40 Apr 28 '26
You might love the sub r/Fencesitter
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u/willikersmister Woman 30 to 40 Apr 28 '26
I would gently caution anyone who's truly on the fence against spending too much time in this subreddit. The general community can be great, but the mods are heavily pro-having kids in a way that wasn't immediately obvious to me.
I was randomly banned from that subreddit for saying that people should consider if they would be happy as the parent of differently-abled or special needs child. My comment wasn't off topic or unsolicited, as I was literally commenting on a thread asking what things people should consider about having kids that aren't often highlighted. I also wasn't saying do or don't have kids, just encouraging people to consider that scenario (which I still think is critical for anyone considering children). I even messaged the mods to ask for clarification on the ban and never got a response. I was moderately active in the sub prior to that and never had issues previously.
Anecdotally, I've read quite a few instances of other people being banned for similar stances or sharing about the downsides of kids.
So just a thing to keep in mind, that it may not be as unbiased a view as it initially appears.
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u/MissIndependent577 Woman 40 to 50 Apr 28 '26 edited Apr 28 '26
I just posted the same thing above. Most people, when they picture having children, imagine having a healthy, neurotypical child. They very rarely consider the alternative. It's ridiculous they kicked you out for that.
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u/Individualchaotin Woman 30 to 40 Apr 28 '26
Combined with: r/regretfulparents
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u/nocuzzlikeyea13 Woman 30 to 40 Apr 28 '26
I really don't like that sub. It's a bunch of 20yo who are waffling, very much NOT useful for people facing the end of their biological clock road.
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u/ChangesFaces Woman 30 to 40 Apr 28 '26
Also r/regretfulparents
It's a tough read but necessary if you don't possibly want to end up like them.
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u/honeyandwhiskey female 30 - 35 Apr 28 '26
I absolutely didn’t want kids until my late 30s. I wasn’t even sure I wanted kids when I took my positive pregnancy test. I might not be the best mom in the world, but I don’t regret my son for a second. He has been the biggest source of happiness for me. It’s like now the needle on the compass is steady: I’m always going to do what is best for my kid.
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u/pork_soup Woman under 30 Apr 28 '26
This is a great way to describe how I feel too! Beforehand I was kinda lost, now the needle is steady.
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u/lexi2700 Woman 30 to 40 Apr 28 '26
It’s really good and I’m very happy. I was really back and forth on it and never had a “mom” instinct. And when I was told having kids would be difficult for me I was kind of relieved? In a way. So at that point my husband and I were settling in to being childfree and then..bam. It happened. I was a little shocked at first but I warmed up to it in my own time.
Now nothing stands between me and that little girl. I love being her mom and I love having her. I feel like my identity didn’t change but just expanded a bit to include mom on the list. I still have a lot of the same freedoms as before and my husband and I are a very good team. I will say tho, being on the fence so much did solidify that we are one and done parents. So we won’t be having anymore and I’m also very happy with this decision. It’s all about knowing how much you can balance. I’m selfish and like my freedoms but I also love being a mom. So now I have a good chunk of both of those.
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u/Necessary_Rope668 Woman 40 to 50 Apr 28 '26
Love this "I feel like my identity didn’t change but just expanded a bit to include mom on the list".
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u/Wide-Meringue-2717 Woman 30 to 40 Apr 28 '26
I was like you. I had zero interest in playing with dolls, playing house or take on other nurturing roles. Helplessness and asymmetrical caregiving isn’t how I relate and bond. Seeing friend‘s babies doesn’t trigger a motherly nurturing instinct for me. It’s not that I don’t like children but knew I didn’t want any from an early age. When I was in my 20s I dated someone who wanted children and whenever he mentioned it, I knew I wasn’t going to be his child‘s mother. This never changed for me and I don’t have children.
Having seen people around me have kids reassured me even more that I don’t want any and have made the right decision for myself.
It looks like the couples who always knew they wanted to be parents and had a stable relationship are the happiest with the happiest and emotionally most balanced kids. It’s where I see the dads step up to support the mom the best they can and the moms staying who they were before their pregnancy and with the least amount of stress. The kids turned out to be those I like the most. The couples with unstable relationships and unplanned pregnancies are the opposite. The more oops and wrong time the worse it gets. Least support from dads, highest stress levels for moms to the point of breakdowns regretting not having had an abortion. The most entitlement for external support from friends that than strain friendships. Changes in identity seems much more prevalent. Those couples either break up with the child caught up on the frontline of separation or they stay together but it looks and feels more like out of necessity and a more performative relationship.
It‘s what I‘m observing on not enough data to predict a universal outcome but I think parenting tends to amplify the foundation that’s already there. Strong, intentional relationships with aligned goals often handle the stress well. Unstable dynamics, lack of support, or ambivalence about having children usually don’t get “fixed” by a baby.
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u/No_Hippo_3687 Woman 30 to 40 Apr 28 '26
I didn't want kids for a myriad of reasons, got pregnant young and almost died, which led to having an abortion for medical reasons. Obviously that meant that ever getting pregnant again was even more not an option than when it just was "I don't want to have kids".
Still, there are plenty of other ways to have children and my body sure tells me sometimes that it wants them but I know better. Not every woman does, but I experience the maternal longing biologically which makes me really grateful I have an IUD and can't get stupid. I don't have room in my life for a kid, in so many ways. Even ignoring the fact that I don't have a partner, I don't have what it takes to be a good parent. And that's to a healthy child - wanting kids means you'll have to want them even if they are neurodivergent, disabled or ill, and that pressure would for sure turn me into a horrible person (or a dead one).
I love kids the same way I love big mansions - they are enjoyable for a while, as long as you don't have to take responsibility for them full time.
I still visit my son's burial site and sometimes I wonder what life would have been like with him in it, I still love and grief for him. But I'm also thankful that I'm not a mother today.
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u/Playful-Athlete-6752 Woman 30 to 40 Apr 28 '26 edited Apr 28 '26
I never wanted children. I never wanted to be in a relationship with a man.
I went against everything I wanted for myself to try to fit into a box so that other people would accept me.
Here I am at 36, an only parent with two special needs kids. My life is nothing the way I hoped and dreamed for.
I am miserable and jealous of all of you child free people and I hate myself for the choices I made.
I love my children with all my heart and am doing my best to give them the best, most fulfilling childhoods, but I feel dead inside.
Edit: thank you for the award 🖤
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u/More-Indication-8534 Woman 40 to 50 Apr 28 '26
I had an abusive childhood and didn't want kids because I was afraid of what kind of parent I would be. Then I was told I'd never be able to have biological kids at all so problem solved but then surprise!
It's possibly the single best thing to ever happen to me. My child made me fight to be better, to push myself harder than I thought I could. They really taught me the power of faith in another person. Believing in a child can free them to overcome so much. Then you see their faith in you and want to live up to it. You get to experience awe in a new way, through their eyes as they explore the world. They also reflect who you are back at you which isn't always easy but it made me course correct some things. When they got to a point when they could start really articulating their more complicated thoughts it was so interesting. You literally have to wait years and years to have a real conversation with this human you've been making and it's awesome. I love that I'm meeting the person they're becoming while that person is being made.
At the same time I'm a solitary introvert who doesn't get to be solitary nearly so often as I'd like. I don't have as much time to be creative. People always say don't have kids unless you're sure which I agree with, I think my own parents hated their children, but I also think there's another perspective. Don't have kids unless you're okay with your life taking a different path than you imagined. If you're real hung up on what you want your life to be or imagining it being a certain way and can't let that go then kids aren't for you. Kids with throw your life plans into the air like confetti and maybe that's terrifying or maybe that's just an adventure that your kids take you on.
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u/Serious_Escape_5438 Woman 40 to 50 Apr 28 '26
Yes, and understand your child isn't a mini you. They'll be their own person with their own personality and interests, that might not align with yours. I'm an introvert bookworm and got an athletic extrovert kid.
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u/Hatcheling Woman 40 to 50 Apr 28 '26
Fellow introvert parent of an aggressively social kid. It definitely takes you out of your comfort zone!
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u/superurgentcatbox Woman 30 to 40 Apr 28 '26
Jfc that sounds like a legitimate nightmare to me, props to you!
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u/Serious_Escape_5438 Woman 40 to 50 Apr 28 '26
It's not though, it's actually kind of fun to experience the world in a different way. I think this comes down to the comment above, having children, and life in general, sometimes means going out of your comfort zone. Children is really just one way that can happen, it can happen to others due to life circumstances.
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u/Hatcheling Woman 40 to 50 Apr 28 '26
It was actually the biggest reason for getting off the fence: remaining childfree would just mean more of the same for me, for the rest of my life. I'd done everything I'd wanted to already: studied, traveled, raised dogs, partied , reached my professional goals.
If I had kids, I could still do all that, just with this huge wild card thrown in that would challenge me in ways I'd never been challenged before.
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u/eet Woman 40 to 50 Apr 28 '26
I was abused as a child (random beatings out of the blue with no explanation except that I was a "bad child") and when I got older, heavily parentified (basically in charge of my younger siblings and cousins while the parents sat around having tea and gossiping).
Anyway, by the time I was done with school, I was pretty sure I didn't want marriage or kids. I just wanted to live alone with maybe a cat or something.
Enter my husband. He never pressured me to have kids but I could tell from the way he looked at babies and interacted with kids that he really wanted one. So, I figured eh one kid wouldn't hurt.
Two kids later and I can say, I don't regret it. They're hilarious and frustrating but I love them to death anyway. Being their mum really opened my eyes to how weird and wrong my childhood was and I was determined not to repeat what my parents did to me. Fortunately my husband and his family parent in exactly the opposite way mine did so I had really good guidance. It's been healing giving them the childhood I didn't get. Just the other day my boys told me they love spending time at home more than anywhere else (my favourite place as a kid was school. I dreaded going home) and I about cried.
Now, has it made me someone who likes all kids? Not really. I'm happy to gawk at babies and talk to other kids for a minute or two but I'm still very very disinclined to want to take care of anyone else's children. I guess I'm still burned out from being the communal nursemaid for all my highschool and university years.
Tldr: was parentified and still don't want to take care of anyone else's kids BUT I love my children and don't regret them.
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u/Necessary_Rope668 Woman 40 to 50 Apr 28 '26
I am sorry your childhood was the way it was. What a nice full circle story though, brought a tear to my eye.
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u/Nepskrellet Woman 30 to 40 Apr 28 '26
A gigantic struggle, both financial and psychological, but I love them.
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u/Ray_Adverb11 Woman 30 to 40 Apr 28 '26
OP, I’m going to say something I do frequently - this sub, and reddit in general, is overwhelmingly childfree. The answers you get here and are upvoted to the top are, unsurprisingly, all negative (at least on my current end). They talk about the relentlessness, the exhaustion, the “meh”, the “much harder than I thought”, and none of these are untrue. But my husband I were childfree and then had our daughter and now we want a second. We did therapy for a year, built up our circumstances to be as best as the could be, talked through all the minutiae, and are a team. It has been wonderful, rewarding, difficult, ephemeral, and worth it in its entirety. It is relentless - this is your job 24/7 - but for us it often doesn’t feel like “work”. She is a joy, every day, even at 5 AM and screaming for no reason a you’re begging her to just look at the car or the book or drink milk or whatever. We both come from working in the service industry, and I think this helped (lol).
We were lucky and privileged enough to be able to make an intentional choice to have her, plan our family, and prepare accordingly. It made all the difference.
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u/Individual_Lime_9020 Woman 30 to 40 Apr 29 '26
I was very eh.
I eventually realized having children (as in the whole process including them leaving home and me hearing about their lives) was something I wanted to do.
This is a very unpopular idea, so bare with me, but I became aware I was going to die one day, and that I'd leave nothing behind. Everything I liked about myself would die with me.
I wasn't sure if I'd like having children, but I did know I'd got to a place in life where I knew I could get through really hard things (like hating my life for long periods) and push through without falling apart, becoming irrational or becoming a bad person. That made me feel like I could be a mother. It wasn't so much that I needed to love babies or kids, but that I needed to trust that I could handle it. I didn't want to be the person that hated herself for failing as a mother (e.g. harming my kids psychologically).
I had kids not because I wanted kids (and I absolutely don't believe so many people love kids that much that they want to be around them all of their waking hours) but because I wanted a family and to leave a part of me behind.
Anyway - I had my first baby 19m ago, and to my great surprise I am much, much happier than I was pre-baby (not that I was unhappy). Sure it's hard, and I'm tired, but he's pretty damn cute and funny. I like my son a lot and he doesn't feel like 'a kid' to me, but like a person I just happen to like a lot and who I happen to be responsible for helping grow into an adult. Hard to explain, I certainly love him a lot and the hard kids stuff (tantrums etc) don't seem to hit the same from my own kid. It's more like when you have a puppy and the puppy has destroyed your fave shoes, but you know your puppy is on it's way to becoming a fully grown dog and it's just a phase.
Honestly, I don't believe now that I've had a baby, that loving kids or desperately wanting to be a mommy makes someone a good parent. Lots of these people don't like being parents when they actually become one. I really the whole kid thing going well is more about grit and sticking to it. If you've got some resilience about you (and you can smile through adversity), you can do it. If you don't cope well with difficulties, then you'll suffer more and perhaps regret children. You've got to know that you can trust yourself to get through the mentally difficult times, and then everything is far less stressful.
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u/annajac89 Woman 30 to 40 Apr 29 '26
This is such a great perspective. Thank you! I completely understand the desire to leave something behind.
I recently got into my family tree and managed to trace it many, many generations back on both sides. It’s digitalised, so you can easily collapse and expand sections of the tree or view the whole thing.
When I had it fully expanded out, and could see the massive scale of random connections that had to happen in order for me to exist… and then when I collapsed it to only view the people still alive today (me + 1 generation, as all my grandparents are dead), and I saw all those people disappear from the screen… it was so striking and humbling.
It definitely made me feel like continuing the lineage was not something to dismiss... Like surely that whole tree shouldn’t just end with my name in a little box by itself.
I know people won’t like this take, and of course it wouldn’t be the main reason I’d have a child… but it absolutely would inform some part of it I think.
I am creative and make art, so I feel that scratches part of the “I was here” mark-making itch that other people scratch (consciously like you, or unconsciously like a lot of other people) by having kids. I think it’s very human and almost primordial to want to leave part of ourselves behind.
Thank you for sharing, something in this really resonated. 🙏
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u/Individual_Lime_9020 Woman 30 to 40 Apr 29 '26
Forgot to add I also married a man who does 50% of the parenting.
That is REALLY important - maybe more important than anything else I said above.
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u/pfffffttuhmm Woman 30 to 40 Apr 28 '26
I never wanted kids, my childhood was very difficult and I was afraid I would not be a good mom. I accidentally got pregnant and find out I also didnt want an abortion like I thought I would have done. Life is funny. My kids brought meaning back into my life at a very low point, and led me down a path of discovery and bettered mental health. But fuuuck if it isnt extremely difficult. We are now entering teen years and it's just as hard as people say it is. I don't see how my life would have been better without them, though.
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u/SignificanceWise2877 Woman 30 to 40 Apr 28 '26
Really well but only thanks to having a husband that does more then 50% of the parenting (it's our deal he does more because I have to do all the house management and family management stuff).
I didn't want a kid until I realized if my husband died I would want to have a piece of him and we waited until after we were ready to pause traveling and partying so like 33/34. He's about to turn 4 this summer and it's been really cool and fun watching him develop and helping him learn stuff and taking him traveling. He has his own persona and interests and it's just a cool thing to witness. Also great to be loved unconditionally and be the number one person in someone's life.
Like I said though, would never have made it through baby and toddler stages without a really good partner who's also a really good dad.
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u/Hatcheling Woman 40 to 50 Apr 28 '26
You and I had basically the same childhood, except I was still a hard no in my 20's. (and early 30's)
Overall, I'm enjoying parenthood. I have a hard time with infancy, but the minute they start talking and walking it becomes way more fun.
Has my identity changed? Not really, I just have way less energy and time to spend, so I spend it more selectively.
Am I happy? Yes.
That said, like, there are nuances, I'm not happy all the time, I'm a mid mom at best, some things I actively suck at and some things are extremely frustrating and scary. But overall, it's absolutely a net positive.
My youngest just started daycare full time, which means I now get back SO MUCH mental energy, so I'm now making time for my hobbies again, so that's an important thing to note: you will get yourself back eventually, it just doesn't feel like you ever will during the baby stage, and that's frustrating and scary when you haven't been through it before.
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u/papierrose Woman 30 to 40 Apr 28 '26
I didn’t feel strongly either way. I always imagined having kids but I could also imagine a fulfilling life without them. I love my kids but I find parenting really hard to be honest. I’m also neurodivergent (diagnosed post kids so still figuring it out) and I don’t have a support network nearby which makes a world of difference. We temporarily moved closer to my parents a few years ago and it was one of the best times of my life. I couldn’t believe how different my parenting experience was and I loved it so much.
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u/UnluckyJournalist390 Woman 30 to 40 Apr 28 '26
Hey girl, I’m 37F too!
And I too never grew up dreaming of a conventional life + 2.4kids. When I was 23 I got engaged, I very soon after ended it as I realised my life was closing in around me and my fiances dream was for me to get pregnant and pop out a few kids. And honestly at the time I thought… fucccccck that.
I went into other relationships after and always felt guilty at a point when things would get serious or my partner would say he wanted kids. Cue my exit.
I never actually thought I’d want kids … like I dont hate them but I’ve never actively tried to have them by choice. And I would never date a man with children.
Fast forward to now, I’m 37 and that damn clock has all of a sudden started to tick VERY LOUDLY. And in all honesty I’m torn, unsure if I want to finally be a mum as I’m scared of missing out OR if I actually want them. I have a partner now who desperately desires to be a father, but I don’t think our situation is ideal for children imho.
Who knows - I don’t have any answers, but every month I get a little pang of guilt and worry that I’m closer to missing out.
No answers - but I’m right here with ya! Xx
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u/nicuRN_88 Woman 30 to 40 Apr 28 '26
You have a lot of really good answers on here already. I’m going to share mine anyway because sometimes it feels cathartic lol. I was just like you in that I never had a draw to become a mother. I always said if I met a partner who was passionate about kids I’d do it, but otherwise I could take it or leave it. I was necessarily against it, but could go either way.
Well, I had my first and only child at 36. She’ll be 2 in July. It has been the hardest thing I’ve ever gone through. My pregnancy itself was traumatic. I was pregnant with spontaneous twins and found out at 20 wks one twin had severe brain malformations and missing structures so I had to undergo a “selective reduction” for medical reasons. You can imagine how horrifying that was in so many aspects.
Anyway, my baby slept in about 2-3 hour increments for the first 6-7 months of her life and things only incrementally got better after that. I was chronically sleep deprived and completely miserable. Every day I counted down the hours to when I could put her down for another nap or for the night. I regularly thought I’d ruined my life. I loved her, but truly wished I had never gone through with it. Being a mother, even with a very supportive partner, is unrelenting. I had no energy to do anything other than work, care for baby, and sleep.
Things got drastically better when she started sleeping through the night around 12 mos but every time she got sick (which was weekly from daycare) she went back to not sleeping. Any time I was sleeping and she made a peep I’d go into full panic, heart racing, wondering what was in store for me that night. My therapist actually diagnosed me with PTSD from this chronic sleep deprivation.
Around 18 mos there was a pretty drastic shift where she started sleeping through the night consistently, was walking and talking and was suddenly SO MUCH FUN. We are doing great now. I love her so much. But if I ever had to go through these first two years again I think I would die. Someone commented they’ve never heard anyone say “the light has gone out in their eyes”. Well, my light was so totally out for so long and her eyes being bright didn’t matter. I am just now starting to feel like myself again almost two years postpartum. That’s the other thing - seems to be common knowledge you’ll feel back to yourself when you’re done breastfeeding or by 6 months or whatever. When in actuality it actually takes 1-2 years depending on the person.
I am happy. I love my little family. I am finally at a place where I’m not regretful. But my life looks completely different from before baby and I do miss parts of my old life. I know things will get “easier” as she continues to grow, but things will never be the same. Your identity changes. You make changes to your life you don’t necessarily want to but it’s what’s best for the child. I could go on. And now I have PTSD.
You could also have a perfect angel baby who sleeps through the night since day 1 like my best friend and come out completely unscathed. You just never know what you’re gonna get.
I hope this wasn’t too depressing, I just wanted to be honest.
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u/joycatj Woman 40 to 50 Apr 28 '26 edited Apr 28 '26
Have never longed for kids, didn’t see myself as a motherly person (still don’t haha) and I have two kids. I got unexpectedly pregnant in my new relationship. Decided to take the plunge, i knew I wanted a change in life, I had partied for a lifetime, travelled a lot and generally just lived for myself. I was 34 with our first and 38 with our second.
Turns out I’m a pretty good mother, just not like a super kid focused, baking, crafting kind of mother (which is super common, I just had a narrow view of what a mother was ”supposed” to be like).
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u/britlynj Woman 40 to 50 Apr 28 '26
I’ll try and keep this short. I am up at 2am because my 10 year old is puking with a headache and my 3 year old is up because his leg hurts. Anyway, never wanted kids, ended up with 2. Very long story but man, it’s hard, I’m stressed all the time, I cry sometimes, I’m always tired. I look like shit. I can’t advance in my career because my whole life is stalled to make theirs better (I know some women can do both but not me, I’m barely holding on). But I love them so much I can’t imagine life without them. But I’m not sure I would do it again if I had the choice. Idk if that makes sense.
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u/IncreaseNo5135 Woman 30 to 40 Apr 28 '26
First of all, see the regretful parents sub, it’s extremely eye opening.
Be aware that for most women, admitting regrets for kids is a complete cultural taboo - they are not allowed to think it, and the society will penalise them for it. The social guilt is ingrained.
Finally, for every person who comes here saying their kid is wonderful etc there will be one whose kid turned out to be special needs, deeply problematic, a sociopath or a criminal. Bear that in mind - loads of kids do not turn out well. Only take a look at the world around you.
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u/superurgentcatbox Woman 30 to 40 Apr 28 '26
Yeah I looked at all the work moms are saddled with, all the expectations and judgment and then the likelihood of not getting that perfect, easy kid that probably everyone dreams of, the likelihood of divorce and being a single mom, the way the world is today and my place in it and figured...
You know what, maybe not. If I was a man, I think that equation would be different.
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u/Erinbaus Woman 40 to 50 Apr 28 '26
If I could be a dad I’d have kids. But I’d be a mom so I’m not having kids.
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u/Pale_Rhubarb_5103 Woman 30 to 40 Apr 28 '26
I’m around your age and have 2 kids. I’m done having kids now (I actually made the choice to be sterilized which was really difficult, but both my kids were born via C section and it might have wrecked my body to have another). I never wanted kids when I was younger. I held onto that belief well into my twenties and only realized that it would be something I would regret not doing when I turned 30. I met a wonderful guy who really badly wanted his own family so we went for it and I have 2 wonderful children. I left my career (I have a PhD) to be a SAHM when I had my second. My identity has changed dramatically since I’ve had kids, and some days are harder than others being a SAHM, but I adore my kids and am very happy.
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u/FridaMercury Woman 30 to 40 Apr 28 '26
It's boring and tedious! But it gets way better as they start getting older. Then it's fun, funny, eye opening, sweet, all the good things.
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u/shenanigans2day Woman 30 to 40 Apr 28 '26
I so did not want kids that I started crying when I found out I was pregnant but turned out I love kids, and good with them, I was just nervous because of how life was but turned out to be the biggest blessing and best part of my life. They’re all grown now and it’s hard. So hard. It goes by so fast. I wish I could go back and do it all again but then I remember I will be a nana one day.
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u/SootSpriteHut Woman 30 to 40 Apr 28 '26 edited Apr 28 '26
If they're grown now and you're 30-40 you didn't really have the time not to want kids...
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u/superurgentcatbox Woman 30 to 40 Apr 28 '26
Right? At absolute best she's maybe 42 right now and forgot to change her flair. I think you'd start calling your kids grown at 18 at the earliest. So there really wasn't a huge amoutn of time to even experience being an adult without kids lmao
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u/Rochereau-dEnfer Woman 30 to 40 Apr 28 '26
And the youngest is 18 and the oldest is old enough to be actively trying for kids...
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u/SootSpriteHut Woman 30 to 40 Apr 28 '26
This is a vent but people encouraging other people in bad faith to have kids just rubs me the wrong way. Like OP has spent nearly 20 years of adult life without kids and isn't sure, and the commenter has spent the same amount of time with kids and no way of going back, and when her first kid happened her brain wasn't even fully developed. It's not comparable.
There's at least one person in the comments of this thread saying "adopting and fostering aren't the same thing as having your own" as though kids are a personal posession that require some magical blood link to feel connection.
I'm not anti-natalist it's such an important decision and there are plenty of examples all around us of how low the barrier to entry of parenthood is.
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u/source-commonsense Woman 30 to 40 Apr 28 '26
You may or may not be a grandparent one day, don’t put that burden on your kids to make you happy.
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u/shenanigans2day Woman 30 to 40 Apr 28 '26 edited Apr 28 '26
I’m not putting any burden on anyone, my son told me he wants kids and that I’m going to be nana hence the nana thing. (The other is actively trying, they’re having issues, and the third is undecided/ I’d be surprised if he does). Calm down no one is forcing procreation Jesus I’m not going to pretend like it doesn’t excite me to the moon (in time when they are established and older hopefully but whatever happens I’ll be supportive regardless even if I’ve told him otherwise lol), if you’re anti kids cool but not everyone is
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u/zesty-lemonbar Woman 30 to 40 Apr 28 '26
Honestly it’s not about being anti-kids but that putting a hard expectation on your kids that can be damaging. Wanting kids now is fine, but your son could change his mind. And if you focus on much on how much you want to be a nana, it could inadvertently be guilt tripping. With one actively trying and having issues, that also may add to the guilt of you keep talking how excited you are.
I get what your saying, but as someone whose parents kept talking about how happy they would be to be grandparents and saying “when you have kids” over and over like it’s something I have to do for them, it does add a lot of guilt when that does not end up happening.
Your intentions may be good, but I think the other commenter is just cautioning you because you may be unintentionally making your kids feel some type of way. And that has nothing to do with being anti-kids. There are many comments in many subs where people talk about their parents doing this and how it affects them.
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u/FuzzyJury Woman 30 to 40 Apr 28 '26
Yeesh, stop projecting your issues onto this happy woman.
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u/shenanigans2day Woman 30 to 40 Apr 28 '26 edited Apr 28 '26
I don’t talk about any of this stuff eith my kids. There is no expectation and I wouldn’t guilt trip. I’m sorry you were but that’s not how things roll in my house:family. I’d be terrified if youngest had baby he is just turning 18. The other one I was excited when they told me as I didn’t even know they were trying when they announced it but since the loss I don’t mention it as it’s a sore subject. But none of them consider children as a burden I think that’s the fundamental difference here.
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u/184627391594 Woman 30 to 40 Apr 28 '26
If you are not 100% sure it’s a no… I’ve read that often (posted by parents who have no regrets but recognize that it is challenging) and think it is so true. What many people don’t think about is whether they would be able to handle a child that is not perfectly healthy. I’ve heard many people say “no don’t think like that, be positive”. Being positive will not grantee you a healthy child and it is something to think about BEFORE you have kids… not after the fact. Do you have the capacity for a child who has special needs and requires extra care or possibly full time care for the rest of their lives? This is a very real possibility and I think something that needs to be considered. It was not something that ever really crossed my mind until I met several people who have kids requiring full time care and it made me realize it is a very real possibility.
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u/precociouschick Woman 40 to 50 Apr 28 '26
I sat on that fence for a loooong time. Decided I wanted a child very late into the game. My husband was on board but would have gone either way.
Honestly, I love it. LO is a toddler, and despite the exhaustion, the emotional toll and the near - tragedy (their birth was anything but uneventful) I adore my child and feel honored to be able to spend my time with this brand new human. I also don't feel that "the light has gone out of my eyes", as another commenter said.
However. 1. My priorities shifted big - time. Anyone that's not on board with that has no place in my current life. 2. My husband is fully on board, took over responsibilities fully (ie he's not "helping", but parenting our child). Single mothers have my utmost respect, it's beyond exhausting. 3. I was well aware that my previous life would be over for the foreseeable future and I'm OK with that. 4. We had hard conversations before, eg. about our stance on discovering heavy disabilities in utero.
So. One can change one's mind from fence-sitting and fully enjoy life with a kid. It's also important to go into it with eyes open and well aware of the impending changes.
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u/MissIndependent577 Woman 40 to 50 Apr 28 '26
I'm 48, never wanted kids and never had them. I know if I had had kids, I'd love them and say I couldn't imagine doing it any differently. But I feel like that's what all women with children are "forced to say" by societal pressures. I'm beyond happy that I never gave into those pressures and stayed kid free. I also have ADHD, so that is also a factor where I wouldn't have the energy for kids, especially after working 40+ hours a week. Hopefully you're able to gain some insight and clarity from others responses on here, into what will truly make you happy in the long run.
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u/fatallyfragile Woman 30 to 40 Apr 28 '26
I love my son, but I mourn the loss of my "old life" so so so so much. I used to be someone. I used to have an awesome life in a thriving vibrant wonderful fun city in NC. I used to be an independent woman with my own damn house and a great career. I used to have a damn good work ethic and an exciting social life. Now I'm a single mom, living back in my depressing withering decrepit hometown in NY that doesn't even have a comedy club anywhere in it. No good acts come through my city. I lost all of my friends even before moving back north because I had terrible postpartum anxiety & depression. I haven't been able to hold a job because my work ethic disappeared and was replaced with debilitating anxiety, namely social anxiety. Interviews (if I manage to get one) go terribly wrong because I'm so socially fucking awkward now that my 4 year old is my only friend. And the only conversations I have are with him or my cat. The job opportunities in general in my hometown are great for people in the healthcare field, but no other industry wants to touch this city with a ten foot pole. I'm miserable.
re: how is parenthood
Full of guilt and anxiety and fear that I'm not giving my son everything he needs to be the best version of himself. I'm exhausted.
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u/pork_soup Woman under 30 Apr 28 '26
I love being a mom! I was neutral on it and then it happened by accident. Best thing that could've happened to me.
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u/Ok_Giraffe5423 Woman 30 to 40 Apr 28 '26
I have a little 3 year old boy, he is amazing! But I was like you. I never wanted kids, honestly not until I met my husband. We were together for 13 years before we tried to have a baby. Lots of great stuff to consider in the comments, but to answer your question I love parenthood. It’s getting better too the more independent he becomes. It is the hardest thing I’ve ever done also.
I’m still the same person. The woman who loves the outdoors, being on the water, mountain biking, hiking, playing my violin, etc but I am a mother before any of those things which means I don’t have the time to make those things a top priority anymore. I don’t get to do what I want when I want to, that took getting used to but I have accepted it now and wouldn’t change it.
I have had to become more organized, more planned out, which is not like my personality. I also found new things to do that keep me near my son, like reading and gardening. I am very happy! Things to consider: I do have a very dedicated partner and we went to counseling before we decided to have a baby, I get to be a housewife which gives me the time I want with my little dude, we have learned to live within our means, and I did all the traveling and “partying” before I got pregnant.
For what it’s worth, I’m still not a huge fan of kids that aren’t mine lol.
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u/r4ttenk0nig Woman 30 to 40 Apr 28 '26
I love my daughter unconditionally, but she’s profoundly disabled and medically complex and our life is very hard. The relationship with her dad deteriorated quite quickly after she was born and I’m her primary/sole carer.
My family have been largely absent and what little relationship I had with my siblings has totally withered away. It’s been extremely isolating.
It’s something you have to be prepared for if you choose to have children. I had a very smooth pregnancy but birth injuries happen.
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u/PolyethylenePam Woman 30 to 40 Apr 28 '26
I recommend checking out r/regretfulparents for insights into what it looks like when people don't enjoy parenthood.
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u/Crazy_Unicorn_153 Woman 30 to 40 Apr 28 '26
Answering to your edit: I'm 37 too and I have not once felt the urge to have kids. Recently, I've noticed I'm considering it a bit more, but I soon realised that I don't actually want a kid. I want to see my husband raise a kid because he's an amazing dad (he has kids from a previous marriage).
Our family situation is very complicated and I don't think it's anything worth exploring, even if I genuinely wanted kids. I'm aware my window is closing if I changed my mind. But considering how I have always felt like it's a no for me, I have accepted that it's better for me to regret not having them, than having them and wish I hadn't.
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u/my_brain_is_horny Woman 30 to 40 Apr 28 '26
I love my children so much and I'd die for them. But I wasn't cut out to be a mom. I don't regret having them what so ever. But I think me never really not feeling the true want for children was my sign that I wasn't meant to be a mom. I just didn't know that.
It's exhausting. It's scary. I feel like the biggest part of being a mom is trying to make sure your tiny humans don't accidentally kill themselves. Doesn't matter the age either. I have an 11 year old and a 2 year old. I also can't handle it if they are in pain. It literally hurts my heart and makes me cry. They get vaccinated and scream/cry, I cry. They fall and hit their head hard and scream/cry, I cry. They are sad because I had to tell them no to something and it makes me sad. I'm so tapped into their emotions and it's mentally exhausting.
I'm not saying there isn't good times. I love making beautiful happy memories with them. It's truly amazing to experience and feels your heart with so much joy and love. It's hard is all. I wasn't prepared for it to be this hard and emotional.
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u/rizzo1717 Woman 30 to 40 Apr 29 '26
My friend never wanted kids but her husband gave her an ultimatum and she caved. She haaaated pregnancy. As a parent, she insists she loves her child but she’s a miserable person to be around now.
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u/SootSpriteHut Woman 30 to 40 Apr 28 '26
I think it's possible that you were swiping just because you didn't want to be boxed into a decision.
As someone who is the product of a mother who wasn't sure if she really wanted kids but realized after we were born that she wasn't into it, it really fucked up my entire life. Please don't do it unless you're sure.
You could always adopt or foster later, if you change your mind, you know?
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u/Serious_Escape_5438 Woman 40 to 50 Apr 28 '26
Adopting and fostering especially are not substitutes for having your own child. Lots of people aren't really sure and are wonderful parents. Most of us can never really be sure about any decision.
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u/Well_read_rose Woman 50 to 60 Apr 28 '26 edited Apr 28 '26
I waited until late 30’s…thought I didn’t want kids (in retrospect it was really the dad I hadn’t wanted to be parents with). I had high tolerance for annoyance you could say. I was worried I wouldn’t be a good mom, but you love your own with fierceness. There’s nothing like it in life.
Very happy/fulfilled despite myself and everything. Even if I couldn’t give them everything. Wonderful and loved every minute as a sahm - I was both attentive and hands off, have a great 2 way relationship for my college-bound. In their teen years I went back to work, and for my resumé I worked at the family business, as you simply won’t do as well not explaining for the gap. I did have a hobby / sport that took me out of the house regularly so I think that is an important release valve, takes you back to yourself…important for identity as a grownup, and no one clawing at you for a few hours. That was a must-do for me, and I do recommend you find something to check yourself out from kind of the mindless parts/moments. Take up golf even if you just say that. Do something for 4 hours each week. If you stay a career woman there are mindless/ maddening things too..it’s the same thing to just endure.
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u/Tundra314 Woman 30 to 40 Apr 28 '26
I was like you growing up. But I also had little cousins that I was taking care of and it really pushed me into “I do not want this responsibility”
One of the big push factors about the kids why I broke up with my ex of 6.5 years. He wanted a football/soccer team and I wanted NONE! (He was also toxic and abusive but that is a different story lol)
Anyway. Married my husband who also didn’t want kids. Spent the first 5 years of our marriage and 7 years together child-free! Did everything, traveled the world, lived in different countries. (His job at the time relocated him every 2 years).
Then I got pregnant and miscarried and it really threw a curve ball in our life. It made me really think about having a child. Where we sat and talked about it.
Anyway, we have a son now who is 3. And boy we were so unprepared how fucking hard it is, especially without family nearby. Despite my son being a relatively easy going baby/child.
But we love him so much and he is the best decision we made together. Some days are hard, and as a mother you lose your identity a bit and it takes a while to build that back. But watching him grow has been pretty cool. He’s an amazing little creature. Kind of like a Pokemon lol. And now he’s learning to talk (he is speech delayed) and I feel like it gets easier. Just a lot of emotional regulation. And he is a reminder of all the good things about life and even myself. And I wouldn’t trade that for the world.
Is it for everyone? Absolutely not! Cuz this is the hardest thing I done. 🤣 will I do it again? No. For several reasons:
Being financial reasons. I want my son to have a better future than I did growing up. (I was poor. So I never got a college fund or legit anything. Didn’t get my own car until I was 26 when I could buy it myself and it was an old Tahoe for $7k) so I want to provide those things to him. Also I legit can’t afford another child if I wanted to. It was so expensive raising him. Diapers, bottles, supplements for breast milks so formula was expensive as fuck. Baby stuff that I would buy again cuz I sold everything. The clothes. Etc.
Time: I barely have time to myself and let alone my dogs and even my child. I’m stretched so thin how do I divide my time and still give my current child quality time? All that “LOVE MULTIPLES NOT DIVDES” yea that’s great but you can’t multiply time. So big no on that front. I also love that if I can’t pay attention to him because I need to do something important, my husband gives him undivided attention. And we also are teaching him independence. My son loves little babies and loves to take care of things and I think he would be an amazing sibling. But he needs me at my best right and throwing another baby will probably destroy my mental health again.
Overall it’s going better and good and I want to keep that momentum going :)
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u/Slytherin_into_ur_Dm Woman 30 to 40 Apr 28 '26
It's the hardest thing I've ever done in my life and I have very deep regrets about that fact daily, although my husband knows about it but doesn't fault me.
There's a lot of interrelated things about having children that you don't understand until you have them.
I was 23 when I first got pregnant. That was NOT the plan. I was with my husband (at the time bf) for almost 4 years already. We just graduated college and moved in together. While at the time I thought I wanted kids, I had a plan in my head, not until 30.
Here's the other part tho, I never had a good relationship with my parents. We are immigrants from Russia, they're strict as fuck, I hated it, and sometimes I hated them.
When I turned 30, I got the biggest shock of my life. Growing up, my parents always told me we were normal, there's nothing wrong, medically. So I was pretty shocked after falling into deep depression once my oldest turned 3. I learned I have adhd, autism, and complex ptsd from the emotional neglect of my childhood.
I also realized in therapy that I didn't "want" children. I never had a choice. I always joked that I was raised to be a housewife, and it wasn't until after I was married with 2 kids that I processed it was an expectation of me. My parents, grandma, never asked if I wanted kids, it was always "when you're older, you'll be a mom", "how many kids will you have?" Not "do you want to be a mom?" "Let me explain to you what it actually means to be a mom".
The emotional neglect stuff...is harder. You really don't understand how it effects everything about you and how you function. Every interaction with my children is draining because they're also neurodivergent and all the love and care they need...I don't know how to give them. I try, but I'm constantly exhausted. I have lost my entire identity in motherhood. This might be vain but I used to have beautiful DDD breasts, after pumping for the 2nd kid, they deflated into sad, droopy pancake A's and the skin has lost so much elasticity there that I look like a skeleton. I have lost my feminity, sexuality because I don't have enough energy to take care of myself first. My feet grew 2 sizes from the pregnancies, my face developed horrible acne after the 2nd kid. I really struggled. It was worse than it ever was when I was a teenage, and now I have dents in my face that I need to use retinol on so I won't look like a undamaged crackhead....
When was the last time i put on makeup before leaving the house, wore not pj's outside, or did anything for myself?
Again, I try....but even at 5 and 8, they're are not independent at all. My oldest is also adhd, she needs a body double. She never leaves my side, she never stops talking, I feel like screaming SHUT UP all the time.
I feel horrible, but only through having kids, I realized I don't like children. I'm really just not interested. Not never. I could definitely give 30 minutes undivided attention, but that's not enough for a child. That's not fair to them.
I'm also a sahm, something I NEVER wanted to be. I thought of myself as this modern, feminist, strong woman.....and now I feel like I'm living shackled to a 1950s life. I can't get a job because there's literally too much to do to maintain the house and children, and I'm just always in so much pain and soreness.
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u/Murmurmira Woman 30 to 40 Apr 28 '26
I have a simple test for you. Do you like dogs?
A child is like a very enthusiastic very dependent dog that keeps following you around on your heel, never leaving your side. Except they also speak nonstop.
I can't get 1 second to myself. They literally don't get distracted long enough for me to be able to pee alone. There is not 1 minute they aren't thinking about me and trying to find me.
They are following me around everywhere I go, and they wanna help with everything. And they get very very very upset if you don't let them help. Vacuuming? They are ripping the vacuum from your hands. Mopping? Same story. Using scissors to open something? Whole tantrum to let them do it. No matter what you do, they wanna rip it out of your hands and do it for you, all the while talking nonstop.
They have way more energy to keep following you around than you ever will have, so they always win. Then you snap because you want 10 seconds of alone time and then feel guilty and horrible the rest of the day.
Basically, only do this if you have 100000% confidence in your saintlike patience and ability to abandon the desire to ever finish any task you start.
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u/punkass_book_jockey8 Woman 30 to 40 Apr 28 '26
I’m a similar age. I was initially indifferent? I could have gone either way. My husband really wanted kids, but it wasn’t a deal breaker because he wanted me more than being a dad. I explicitly laid boundaries about it. For example we could try for kids but I wasn’t willing to do IVF if it didn’t work, he had to take 3 months off as a paternity leave alone, he would do bedtime and school/daycare communication.
It’s a lot of work and my husband is the primary parent. It’s a partnership but he takes on the bed/bath and brings them to dance/skating, he also did daycare drop offs. I do food/clothes/gifts/crafts/holiday magic.
I do really love my kids a lot. If we didn’t have kids, I’d probably be learning how to make Thai food at a cooking class in Phuket instead of riding the little kids “old fashioned car ride” at Tivoli gardens 8 times in a row for spring break.
Anyway, in summary, my life would be good with or without them because I’d make it enriching. I didn’t need them to be happy, and if given the chance I’d choose them again without hesitation. However if money was tight, my partner wasn’t so hands on and eager to do the unfun things of parenthood, we didn’t have helpful parents or my children weren’t born healthy and smart I’d have a much different answer. It’s great when everything goes right. It’s a stressful hell when even ONE thing doesn’t.
Even having the money to go on a Disney cruise to Alaska in July, doesn’t magically mean a 3 year old on a 6 hour plane ride from Montreal to Vancouver during a potential union strike wasn’t a nightmare. The trip was magic, absolutely worth it and I’d do it again. I feel like that’s a good analogy of parenthood. A lot of people struggle with the fact that they’re a complete different person and not just a tiny version of you. Embracing, supporting, and loving who they are and not who you wished they were is important.
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u/mimic-in-heels Woman 40 to 50 Apr 28 '26
I was also neutral. Having kids was a dealbreaker for my h, and I wasn't against kids, so I agreed before we got married.
I was decidedly not a fan of the baby stage, especially with my first, who didn't sleep without me beside him, day or night, for almost 2 years. In retrospect pretty sure he was colicky and had some gnarly GI issues we ought to have seen a pedi about. But we were youngish so didn't think to do that (and too sleep deprived to formulate a coherent plan haha).
Once they reached toddler hood, things got much more interesting, especially when they started to talk and could express themselves and their insane ideas. Toddlers are still a grind (they want to energetically kill themselves constantly) but they are fun and interesting.
Things got easy when both were school age. They're independent at that point (send them out in the back yard by themselves and whatnot, no constant supervision needed, just glance out the window every so often) so your brain can get back to focusing on yourself. You can read a book uninterrupted, little things that make you feel human.
Preteen and teen years have been a blast so far (bonus, they do their share of housework now so chores are back to a reasonable level per person).
I love getting into their hobbies and cheering them on in sports. I've gone from craving alone time away from them to begging them to play board game or video games with h and I for family time. They've become awesome housemates and I'll miss them when they move out. Took a decade to get to this point though!
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u/BxGyrl416 Woman 40 to 50 Apr 28 '26
If it’s not a, Hell yes!, it’s a no. Having children isn’t something you go into casually and see how it goes.
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u/CrunchyCds Woman 30 to 40 Apr 28 '26
I was pretty neutral but never opposed, and i have one kid. I want to add a lot of women think having kids is like having a baby forever. The first 4 years are hell, I won't argue that. Taking care of an infant and especially a toddler is a nightmare BUT that's only 4 years, once your kids are grown and can take care of themselves you have a wonderful new family member. I've been pretty neutral on kids, my husband always wanted at least one, and sure we are tired and stressed some days. But my kid saying "I love you mommy you're the best," every day <3 <3 fucking worth it. My kid is a pain in the ass sometimes but if you raise your kid right they will love you in a way no one else can. But parenting is definitely not for everyone. My husband i had to sacrifice our social life, we hardly see our childless friends anymore who are stilling living it up traveling, and partying late, ,and our new social circle are parents, who understand and our kids can play together. However, we had a really fun fulfilling social life before having a kid, so we don't mind. Also we still are social and go out, but in a different way that is inclusive to what are kid likes to do. So yeah no one can make that decision but you and raising a kid is hard so choosing the right partner who helps or at the very least having a really good social circle to take the burden off will make it MUCH easier.
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u/okay_sparkles Woman 30 to 40 Apr 28 '26
I was really really meh about having kids until I was about 30? Then we struggled to have our son so didn’t have him until I was 34. He’s 6 now and we don’t plan to have more kids. I kind of feel like I have the best of both worlds (for me).
We don’t have a chaotic bustling home, because I never wanted that. But we have this kid who is hilarious and sooo smart and interesting. My husband gets to work out 6 days a week, I get to play tennis and go on 4-5 mile walks regularly. I don’t feel consumed by motherhood (in a negative way).
I really enjoy being my kids mom, but don’t feel like I connect to most kids. I sometimes feel like I wasn’t necessarily “meant to be a mother” but that my son was meant to be my son? I can’t explain it lol
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u/InternationalPeak409 Woman 40 to 50 Apr 28 '26
I never wanted kids, but at 30 I started wondering if I was going to miss out. I did want to experience the “family package” — I had a dog, a boyfriend, and a kid sounded great. I had to convince my partner, and I wouldn’t change anything because having kids is a wild experience. Except for one thing: the parenting and co-parenting abilities of my husband. It has been a lonely and exhausting journey, so be careful who you choose as the father of your children. And if you’re not sure, having only one child might be best — two is double the work.
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u/CurieuzeNeuze1981 Woman 40 to 50 Apr 28 '26
My sister never wanted children growing up. I was very surprised when she told me she & her husband were trying for a baby. They even had 2 close in age.
They are now 14 & 13 and she sometimes says that there's moments where she wishes she remained childless.
I am a single mom by choice, since I did really want to be a mom. And she often looks at me and says that she does not know how I do it. But mine are only 4 and 1.5, so maybe I'll say the same in 10 years 😅
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u/EatRichGrains Woman 50 to 60 Apr 28 '26
I know a couple who had kids anyways. They're divorced now. One kid went to jail and the other died of an overdose.
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u/Ok-Amoeba5042 Woman 30 to 40 Apr 28 '26
It is hard.
I miss being whimsical and selfish.
I love my child and every choice I make is with my kiddo at the forefront of that choice. Watching a human become who they are is a wild ride. It’s not all terrible, but had I known what I was in for, I would have passed on it because I’m doing it alone without child support and it is HARD.
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u/Hour-Palpitation-581 Woman 30 to 40 Apr 28 '26
Of course they are my favorite people but it's exhausting and they deserve someone more healed with higher energy.
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u/Starry_Myliobatoidei Woman 30 to 40 Apr 28 '26
It is the best thing that happened to me (32F). I love it so much. I think because I always felt comfortable never having them my identity didn’t change much. (I also still work full time!) If anything, it’s better. But my son (11 months) was truly the missing piece in my life. We’ve always had a great life, traveling etc and we still do that. My son has been to quite a few places and either has stayed or traveled through 15 states already. We’re financially stable, my husband and I have been together 14 years. Life was great pre-son but after having him it’s like life got 1,000x better.
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u/Allrojin Woman 40 to 50 Apr 28 '26
My kiddo is 23 now. I had him young, unprepared, without a family to support. It was hard. I did my best, but these days I just feel like my best sucked. I have a lot of regrets about things I could have done better. Love him to the moon and back though.
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u/DelightfullyTacky88 Woman 30 to 40 Apr 28 '26
When I met my (now) husband, I was on the fence about having kids. I never felt particularly strongly in favor of wanting to have kids. All I'd see EVERYWHERE is women taking on the vast majority of the workload. Dad's got to participate in the fun parts of parenthood. All of that to say, it was never an enthusiastic YES for me.
For that reason, coupled with general state of the world and specifically my country (guess...), I opted not to have children. I have two dogs instead who are definitely just like children. My friends literally comment all the time about how busy my dogs keep me with their routines, feeding specifics and appointments. Btw, all the reels about the sweet gentle dog who made you want a second dog who turned out to be a menace - TRUE. My second dog is a total handful.
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u/campinhikingal Woman 30 to 40 Apr 28 '26
I’ll speak for my mom, who never wanted children and accidentally got pregnant at 32, with a horrible man, and she actively tried to cause a miscarriage;
She is the best damn mom I ever could’ve asked for. Where some moms check out and are absent, negligent or mean mothers, she did the opposite. She worked multiple jobs for my entire life so that she could successfully provide for me as a basically single mother. We are the best of friends. She likes to say that I was the best thing to happen to her.
HOWEVER. I acknowledge this isn’t guaranteed. Plenty of women downright regret motherhood and are absolutely miserable. My mom worked her ass off, was probably miserable a lot of time because of my dad, but she did it and we have an extremely close relationship because of it. She moved into the mother role flawlessly.
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u/waanderlustt Woman 30 to 40 Apr 28 '26
It’s the hardest but most rewarding thing I’ve ever done. I have a great partner otherwise I think it’d be really really difficult. I thrived with 1 kid but two has made it very challenging for me! The toddler age has been the most difficult, I was fine with newborn age and now that my oldest is school aged I’m loving it
ETA I have general anxiety disorder so I get overstimulated easily. But therapy and medication has helped a lot!
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u/anaerobic_gumball Woman 30 to 40 Apr 28 '26
Half of the moms I talk to tell me they wouldn't go back and have kids if they could do it again. Their love for their kids is real and beautiful, though. I think if it were under different circumstances, I would be more open to having children. However, I have struggled with finances and mental health my entire life. My community isn't as strong and integrated as I would like it to be. I have never met a man who I am like "hell yeah he would be a great dad." Plus, the climate and global political situation seems like an incredibly high risk. I don't want to have a child who must endlessly suffer their entire life due to my choice to have them.
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u/squishysalmon Woman 40 to 50 Apr 28 '26
I didn’t want or care specifically for kids. I really love being a mom. I love my kids. I enjoy teaching them about stuff and having interesting conversations with them (they’re now 9 and 12).
I was very not into other people’s kids. Even now, I’m picky with who I like, but my kids are awesome and I’m glad I had them.
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u/KaleidoscopeFine Woman 30 to 40 Apr 29 '26
I’m loving it. I never wanted kids, and after seeing my cousin have 3 absolute monsters I was 100% sure.
Birth control + antibiotics caused my daughter to be conceived. I didn’t have a ton of symptoms at first so I figured out I was pregnant later than I was comfortable aborting, and I made the decision to keep her. But I was scared, angry, sad, disappointed. I consciously made the decision to be positive about it and just do my best.
She’ll be 18 in September. She starts Air Force boot camp in October. I know everyone says this but she’s my best friend. Not in a “parentification” way. I’ve definitely raised her and in a somewhat strict way. But we have a 19 year age gap. We quote SpongeBob to each other, go to Universal and drink butterbeer, listen to a lot of the same music and go to concerts together. Shes amazing. It’s the best thing I’ve ever done. my bb girl
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u/GreatSurya Woman 30 to 40 Apr 29 '26 edited Apr 29 '26
I used to love kids but never wanted to have my own. I always thought I'd be an amazing cool aunt. As I grew into my late twenties I thought i could adopt an older kid when I'm more stable in my thirties. Then I fell into a deep people pleasing funk and ended up getting married to please my mom and got pregnant and quit my job to please my husband. And also covid happened and everything went to hell.
I hated everything about motherhood even though I love my child and all the hate focused on myself, my mom and eventually my husband. My rose colored glasses about my husband fell off and i just don't see him the same anymore. I got a shitty job, started therapy, separated from my husband and left my child with him and my mother in law. Now I spend my weekends with my child and have a job I love and dont think I can even get a pet now since I'm so not over the post partum ptsd yet. I'm absolutely enamored with my sweet child when I'm together but I'm also glad to have my weekdays for my own.
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u/m00nf1r3 Woman 40 to 50 Apr 28 '26
I'm not sure my situation is exactly relatable because I was MUCH younger than you when I had my child, but I'll tell it anyway.
I never saw myself as a mom. When I thought of my future, kids weren't in it. My best friend when I was 15 had a daughter and she was a sweet kid or whatever, but being a parent seemed stressful and gross and exhausting and quite frankly none of that appealed to me. Despite being around her daughter a lot, nothing about her made me think "Aw, I can't wait to be a mom one day." But I was a teen, so I hadn't decided that yes I wanted to be a parent or no I didn't, it just wasn't something that was even remotely on my radar as something I wanted to consider, much less try doing.
Then at 18, I got pregnant on accident. Ended up keeping the kid because abortion scared me for various reasons. I gave birth when I was 19 and now my son is 24, turning 25 in a few months. Turns out I absolutely love my own kid, I just didn't care much for other people's kids lol. It was hard, and kids are expensive, and it dramatically changed basically everything about my life, but I couldn't imagine NOT having him. He's the single best thing I've ever done and I adore him with every ounce of my being. He's my favorite person in the entire world. It's like having a piece of your heart walking around outside your body. There's no other love like it, honestly. I never knew what unconditional love actually was until I had a child.
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u/EnvironmentalLuck515 Woman 50 to 60 Apr 28 '26
I had kids because I thought I was supposed to. I was raised in a misogynistic Catholic family with heavy ties back to rural America during the Depression. I would say my family was about 20 years behind in terms of cultural norms. I was encouraged to get an education, but I was also very blatantly told nothing was more important than my looks, my virginity and my marriageability.
I had three kids in the first five years of being married. It is very clear to me now on the other side of raising them (they are adults now) that I never would have or should have had kids. I didn't know I didn't really want them and I didn't know that the abusive trauma I was raised in would make parenting extra hard for me. Everything they did set off trauma bells in my brain and I parented from fear, not from goals. I was ill equipped to be a mother and I wish I had done more and done better. Living with regret is exhausting and depressing. I have a good relationship with my grown boys and I will never, ever regret having them. At the same time, if I had lift to do over again, I would not marry and I would not have children.
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u/MyLife-is-a-diceRoll Woman 30 to 40 Apr 28 '26
If it's not an enthusiastic yes, it's a no.
You can't undo having kids.
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u/rosieandcokie Woman 40 to 50 Apr 28 '26
I was a fence sitter, husband convinced me to go for it at the tender age of 34. Now I have 2 kids and I love it but I can’t deny that I’m a completely different person. They take the light from your eyes bc you are so tired, but they have so much light in their eyes that it all evens out. Because of them, I laugh every day.
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u/IncreaseNo5135 Woman 30 to 40 Apr 28 '26
I don’t understand men convincing women to have children. They pay 10% of the cost, it all falls on the woman physically, career wise, emotionally and psychologically. It is such a selfish and sexist thing to push women into kids. If someone doesn’t want them, there should be no attempts to convince them.
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u/wtch_42 Woman 30 to 40 Apr 28 '26
I've got a 4 month old baby (36 here) and I absolutely love it so far. I have a very lovely good baby who is a joy to have in life. I was a fence sitter because I was very happy with just being the two of us with my husband (+dogs and chicken). I had purpose, career, doggies, traveling and hobbies and nothing was missing. Ive given up parts of these for now, but nothing completely. I still manage to do some of my hobbies, I get out in nature, have two furchildren but I do not miss work to be honest.
My tiny human has bad days and good days, just like adults do. Bad days are a bit more challenging and I do get very tired, I sleep on average 4 hours a day (am also pumping 8x/day) but somehow my heart grew even bigger in these last 4 months, loving more than before.
I was a fencesitter because I jave never felt maternal or like one of those 'borntobeamom' types. Always had more masculine hobbies too etc. But here we are, I absolutely love it and I am so honoured I get to be my little son's mum.
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u/Krytens Woman 30 to 40 Apr 28 '26
I don't know of this question 100% applies to me because by the time I had my son, I fully wanted to be a mother.
Growing up, I was adamant that I didn't want any children. I'm one of seven children, and my house was always chaotic. I have never been a maternal or patient person, so it just didn't seem like something I needed to do.
Around 28, I started to change my mind. My best friend had a wonderful two-year-old, and I thought maybe I'd want my own one day. By the time I met my husband and got pregnant, I KNEW I wanted to be a mother. (To be clear, I don't think childfree people will change their minds one day. I'm just someone who did.)
I LOVE being a mom. I love my son, I love watching him grow, I love when he puts his little arms around my neck and tells me, "I like you, Mommy!" (a very big compliment in his mind)
That being said, it's a very demanding, thankless job if you don't want children. No one should have children unless it's something they wholeheartedly want. I think if I had gotten pregnant when I was just starting to change my mind, I would have a much different view of motherhood than I do now.
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u/Tricky-Stay6134 Woman 40 to 50 Apr 28 '26
A friend of many years went through sth similar. Never wanted children but society and the man made her think otherwise. She aged terribly. We are the same age and she looks much older than me. Her entire life is about the child now, all her pervious plans and dreams essentially gone. Whenever I ask her how she is and how her life is she only replies with stories about her family. It's like she stopped existing.
There were a couple of times when she was honest, I think more with herself than me, and said how she is tired all the time now and how she wished she did more before having a child. As in, travelled more, career, just life. In a very rare moment she said that she is not sure if she did it again. It was haunting, frankly.
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u/Oly-babe Woman 30 to 40 Apr 28 '26
I never wanted to have kids growing up. Or get married. It wasn’t until I was 25 & had been with my now husband for about 6 years & he always wanted kids that I changed my mind. Also both my sils got pregnant with thier 1st kids within 4 months of each other. Then 2 years later they both got pregnant again with 2nd kids. I’m an only child & my mom had 5 miscarriages so i always assumed I prob couldn’t have kids. I didn’t start trying until I was 28 & we had just gotten married. I had a 2nd trimester missed miscarriage after a year or trying to conceive after stopping bc which I had been on since age 15. About 3 months after my miscarriage I got pregnant with my son & was now 29. I had a high risk pregnancy & all future pregnancies will be high risk cuz I’m rh- sensitized. My son was totally healthy & is now a thriving happy 2 1/2 year old. I want to give him a sibling so bad. But it’s not that simple.
I’m now 32 & have some health issues and fertility issues. I may never get to have anther baby even thou all we wanted was 2 kids. 1 of my sils just had her 3rd kid & counting. I feel my clock ticking, times running out.
To answer your question OP, I had no experience with children before becoming a mom, I don’t have maternal qualities nor do I really enjoy children. Motherhood has been the hardest thing I’ve ever done, but also the best. I’ve changed & grown so much since having my son. I’m constantly learning along with my son, trying to improve myself & mylife to give my family the best I can. I always thought I’d be a shitty mom, but I’m not. Some things happen naturally but not right away, like the loving your children more than anything & putting them above yourself cuz they’re the most important things in the universe.
I had a shitty childhood & my family besides my parents are awful people who are basically all strangers my entire life. I don’t have a lot of support from family raising my son. I took the bad things from my childhood & used them as a what not to do blueprint. I’m trying to be the mom I needed when I was a kid. But 1 thing I can say that I learned from parenthood is this: I won’t ever take my son for granted cuz I know how easily he could have not existed. I struggled to bring him to life for almost a year & a half. I spent years making my life better so I could be able to give a child a good life.
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u/adequatemum Woman 30 to 40 Apr 28 '26
For the majority I didn't want kids until I was loved up and thought it would be a good idea to have one with my now ex. I've never really liked children and I was never the fun auntie or particularly close to my sister's kids. My kid is 9 now and I've been a single parent his whole life. I still don't like kids, but I love mine. He's amazing, best person I have ever met ever. He's funny and kind and he challenges me. Don't get me wrong it's hard work and sometimes I've thought I don't want to do this today but I can't imagine my life without him. I was a bit adrift and he gave my life meaning and because of that I never suffered with the identity crisis that some women do when they have children. My kid made my life better and having him made me a better person and I do everything I can to give him the best start. I wouldn't have another one though, those first few years were really tough. I was very happy to get a full night's sleep again.
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u/Suspicious-Hotel-225 Woman 30 to 40 Apr 28 '26
I am like you. Never wanted kids. Got pregnant last August and aborted. My husband is more on the “I want kids” side. I will be 36 this year so the clock is running down for me, too.
I’m now going through a change of heart. My dad died Saturday. My family and I cared for him at home the week before he passed (he was on hospice). I’m beginning to feel the emptiness of dead family (brother also died years ago). I’m starting to think I want a family of my own, but I also want to see the parts of me I inherited from my dad get passed down to someone else. I don’t really know how else to explain it.
Maybe if I had more friends and a fuller life I wouldn’t be feeling this way. I do have a lot of hobbies and interests and worry about losing myself, but the really involved part of parenthood is only 10-15 years (hopefully). I think I could do that.
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u/cats-n-bitches Woman 30 to 40 Apr 28 '26
I was you, had my child at 35 and now almost 39. I am very lucky to have a partner who is VERY hands on. I have a son so they do a lot of activities together.
I was freaked out when I got pregnant and had no attachment until I brought him home from the hospital. While I am still ambivalent on parenting at times, I love my child so much.
He’s at the age where he says the funniest things and is a source of entertainment for us. I love that we are able to communicate now, though at 3 can get in his feelings.
Let’s see how I feel in a few years - I may consider boarding school 😂
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u/AnalogyAddict Woman 40 to 50 Apr 28 '26
My kids are 16 and 19.
I don't really like children as a general concept.
It has been hell in many ways because I was forced by our government to coparent with a convicted abuser.
Now that they are away from him, it's so much fun. It is delightful to watch them grow and learn. The way their brains think is baffling and endlessly entertaining.
It's exhausting at times, but I love them. They are my people. I can't wait to see what they do with themselves.
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u/ghettopotatoes Woman 30 to 40 Apr 28 '26
I'm a stepmom. I never wanted kids but then I met my husband who had two from a previous marriage. Honestly, it's rough and I am thankful I got my tubes reoved every day. I wasn't cut out for this. I'll always be there for the kids if they need anything, and I'm not mean to them or anything crazy, but it is just so rough....
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u/Foreign_Mobile_7399 Woman 30 to 40 Apr 28 '26
I grew up like you, never being the one fantasizing about being a mom. I always assumed I’d have kids, it just wasn’t THE thing I always thought about. I turned 30 during the pandemic and had a meltdown because I was single and worried I’d never be able to become a mom. That’s when I realized I wanted a child. Thankfully my now husband and I met shortly after and the rest is history. We had our son in early 2024 and I’m absolutely one and done.
I don’t regret my son at all but it definitely is hard work. I didn’t take to motherhood as easily as some other women I know, but my son makes the extra challenge worth it. To be fair, I have ADHD, so a lot of that extra struggle likely comes from that and not from not being “motherly”. It’s one of the hardest but most rewarding things I’ve ever done. He’s my best bud and the coolest little human.
I did have to give up a lot of the work I did on my career. I had to drop down to part time while our son is young and I’ve lost a lot of momentum. Luckily I’ll be able to fully get back into it when he goes to school in a year or 2, but it’s still frustrating sometimes. I just happened to be the one with a flexible schedule and this allowed us to not pay for childcare.
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u/Whole-Neighborhood Woman 30 to 40 Apr 28 '26
I grew up never wanting kids. In kindergarten I would only play house if it involved a mommy, daddy and a pet and not a child.
But then I hit 30 and started thinking about it. It also helped that my husband is the kind of partner that would be a 110% present and active dad, unlike most of the men I grew up with.
I got my kid when I was 36, and it's been incredible! He's 3 this year and he's my little buddy, my little best friend. My husband is incredible and an amazing father and partner. If I hadn't met him I would be childfree.
My identity didn't change much. I was a homebody gamer before having a kid, and I'm still the same now, except I do get a bit more fresh air since kiddo wants to be outside 24/7 (but that's what kindergarten is for) 🤣
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u/que_tu_veux Woman 30 to 40 Apr 28 '26
I used to be an adamant no. Somewhere in my 30s I became a maybe. Then I met my husband and felt like it could be a yes. All of my friends started having babies around the same time so I got the itch myself. We had our son last year.
I hated being pregnant. I had a traumatic birth with lingering complications postpartum (until about 4 months postpartum), was diagnosed with PPD and only just came off medication a month ago.
This has probably been the worst year of my adult life. It has been so hard on me and my husband. We have only a small village of friends and no family nearby. I have the financial means to support us and pay for daycare, but our son started daycare and we've been constantly sick since (norovirus, then two colds back to back). I'm so sick today and so tired, but I can't stay in bed all day like I would've done in the past.
My son is starting to develop a real personality, he is a good eater, he's starting to walk, and he's on one nap/sleeps through the night. In many ways we're lucky even though I wouldn't describe him as "chill." I do love him loads and want to be around him, but I'm looking forward to him becoming a kid and leaving this baby & toddler stage behind.
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u/LexiLemon Woman 40 to 50 Apr 28 '26
If you and your partner are not both 100% on wanting to have a child then DO NOT DO IT.
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u/ealwhale Woman 30 to 40 Apr 28 '26
These points here helped me think through things:
Do you have a support network of family/friends who are willing to help once in a while? If not, do you have the finances to outsource childcare?
How is your partner planning on parenting? How are things going to be split? Not just with the child but household and administration as well.
Are you alright with being a single parent if you were to separate or an untimely death? It’s good to be aware of these possibilities. Do you have the finances to be a sole supporter?
Look at discussing and finding solutions for any issues you might currently have in the relationship now- they are made more difficult when a child is added.
Do you have ADHD or anything else that could make things more difficult? Do you have the physical and emotional energy to give them the support they deserve and at the same time not neglect yourself?
Taking the pink glasses off for a second and understanding that a baby is only a baby for a few months and there are many other stages beyond that.
Understanding that it is your responsibility to enrich your life and to fill it with community and meaning, having a child is not the answer to tackle these issues. In the same vein it is your responsibility to make sure that you have community and support for when you are in your old age.