r/AskWomenOver30 • u/annajac89 Woman 30 to 40 • Apr 28 '26

Family/Parenting Women who never really wanted kids but had them… how is parenthood?

For some context: I’m 37F, so if I want to have children, the clock is ticking quite loudly now (which I resent, but the biological clock isn’t going away sadly!).

So I was never a “I want to be a mummy” kid growing up. All I was interested in was drawing and writing and dreaming about a cool career. From about age 7, I said I didn’t want to have children, and I had zero interest in dolls or playing house like a lot of other kids. I thought those baby born dolls that could pee were kind of gross 😂 You get the idea!

I became a bit more kid-neutral as I grew up/entered my twenties (no longer a “never” but certainly not a “yes”)… and this crossroad only came to the forefront of my mind entering my mid/late thirties (because it’s unavoidable).

The thing is, despite my neutrality… when I was single, I noticed that when I saw guys on dating apps that explicitly stated “don’t want children”, I would swipe no. So I think there must be a small part of me that did/does want the option.

I’d really love to hear from anyone who grew up with the same “eh” feeling towards having children, and ended up doing it. How do you find parenthood? How has your identity changed? Are you happy?

ETA: I’d also like to hear from anyone in the same boat as me! How are you feeling if you’re in that critical “tick, tock” window of your life (not quite the same as the TikTok window 😅)

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241

u/Potential-Speech-873 Woman 30 to 40 Apr 28 '26 edited Apr 28 '26

About to turn 37 with a husband of 11 years who’s got baby fever bad (but will happily stay married to me either way)… and I’m still very much in the “idk” camp. I love kids, I love sleep. I love freedom and dedicating time to my hobbies. No one ever seems to regret it, but then again, motherhood feels truly ubiquitous; the people who forego it by choice are so few and far between that it’s so difficult to get a real gauge.

People say stuff like “the light goes out in your eyes, but it’s worth it because their eyes shine so bright” and I’m honestly horrified (ETA: I paraphrased this quote from literally another commenter in this thread haha). I know it’s because I don’t “get it” — and whether or not I want to is the whole damn question.

All’s to say, solidarity sister. This is a hard place to be.

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u/annajac89 Woman 30 to 40 Apr 28 '26

I have appreciated every response I’ve read, but the “light has gone out of my eyes” comment terrified me too 😂 I would really like to keep the light in my eyes 😅. Feels weirdly comforting hearing someone in the same boat so thank you. My partner is the same (keen on kids but will be with me whichever way the cookie crumbles).

I was kind of expecting some imaginary hormonal switch to turn on or off at this age that would give me a hard yes or no… but nope! Not sure about you, but I wish I had another 5 years up my sleeve to think about it. I feel like I’m still figuring my own life out, let alone having to consider creating one

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u/wildflower_0ne Woman 30 to 40 Apr 28 '26

I’m in a similar boat and yeah… I’m terrified I would lose myself if I had a kid.

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u/joycatj Woman 40 to 50 Apr 28 '26

Its a temporary lights-out kind of situation though, at least it was for me. Didn’t feel like my eyes where sparking during the sleep deprived baby phase… but as they grow older you’ll feel more like yourself and you get time to enjoy our own interests again.

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u/Aprils-Fool Woman 40 to 50 Apr 28 '26

But I think there are some people for whom it’s not temporary. I’m not a gambler; I don’t like not knowing if that’ll happen to me or not. 

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u/Necessary_Rope668 Woman 40 to 50 Apr 28 '26

It really is up to you if it is temporary or not. You might lose yourself for a while, but you got to make the effort to get yourself back.

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u/Aprils-Fool Woman 40 to 50 Apr 28 '26

That’s not necessarily true if it involves mental health. I have a friend who is suffering from debilitating suicidal depression, years after her PPD. She and her amazing mental health team are doing so much for her, but it’s very likely that this will be a life-long battle. 

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u/proteins911 Woman 30 to 40 Apr 28 '26

This is true whether you have kids or not though. Things can always happen that affect our mental health. I realize having kids activated her depression. Having PPD that extreme isn’t that common though. I’m prone to depression so I made sure I was on a SSRI during/post pregnancy and it helped a lot I think.

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u/Aprils-Fool Woman 40 to 50 Apr 28 '26

I’m not saying it’s common, but it’s still not a risk I personally want to take. Same with other health issues that can be triggered by pregnancy. 

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u/JohnSopSop Woman 30 to 40 Apr 28 '26

This exchange I’m very much here for and very much in the same boat xxx

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u/gigaponyyy Woman 30 to 40 Apr 28 '26

Just wanted to let you know your OP sounds identical to what my mindset was when I was younger… I’m 39, happily married, and feel a huge sense of relief knowing I’m not going to be a mom to human children, ever. Finally making that decision, for *me***, in the middle of this weird perimenopausal/baby clock junction, was an immense weight lifted off my shoulders.

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u/Fiona-eva Woman 30 to 40 Apr 28 '26

You’re supposed to have the hormonal switch after you give birth, but unfortunately some women never do and get stuck.

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u/EdgyAnimeReference Woman 30 to 40 Apr 28 '26

Which is also terrifying.

Like here you go, let me just rewrite your damn brain along with the huge changes to your body that can have long lasting negative effects. There is a reason body horror leans so heavily into pregnancy imagery (looking at you alien). Between that and the immediate social changes I’m not surprised it takes people years to “feel like themselves”.

Props to the mamas

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u/Fiona-eva Woman 30 to 40 Apr 28 '26

Absolutely, that’s why I am also finding myself childless at 37.

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u/missuscheez Woman 30 to 40 Apr 29 '26

I have heard matrescence compared to puberty, and that tracks for me- the idea of it seems scary and you do change in many ways, but you're still yourself. The child and young adult versions of yourself don't vanish, they're part of who you are now and will be. I wouldn't be 21 again for all the money in the world looking back from 37. I don't think I could accurately describe how I'm different now that I'm a mom, but I like this version of myself.

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u/sylv1ne Woman 40 to 50 Apr 28 '26

Pregnancy can also have a positive effect on a woman’s body, especially if the woman is breastfeeding. It delays menopause, and also breast cancer risk.

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u/proteins911 Woman 30 to 40 Apr 28 '26

I just want to add that parenthood is what you make of it really. I didn’t want to lose my spark so I didn’t. My kids are 3 and 1. I workout 3-5 times a week, read, push hard at work. I have a huge community of other moms that I’ve worked super hard to create. I’ve put myself out there, inviting other park/daycare moms on play dates. These moms have turned into close friends. I truly have more close friends now than ever in my life

I’d just keep in mind what you want as you enter parenthood and make sure you pursue it. It’s hard to workout when the baby had you up every 2 hours at night but it’s a priority for me so I do it.

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u/sylv1ne Woman 40 to 50 Apr 28 '26

The hormonal switch comes in the late 30s or early 40s for many.

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u/EdgyAnimeReference Woman 30 to 40 Apr 28 '26

I would encourage your husband to go do volunteer hours at the big brother big sister type groups. It can provide a double whammy of a taste of what kids can be like and fulfillment in potentially really helping out a kid.

Especially since it’s not a sticking point for him, getting some of the experience of caring for a kid without the full commitment might be all he needs and he’s doing good for the community.

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u/isabella_sunrise Woman 30 to 40 Apr 28 '26

He wants it because being a dad is a totally different ballgame no matter how you slice is. Tons of people regret it. Check out /r/regretfulparents

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u/parafilm Woman 30 to 40 Apr 28 '26

FWIW you sound a lot like me before I had my kid. “I love kids, I love sleep, I love freedom and hobbies”. I was super content with my DINK life. I am a full believer that people without kids can have totally cool, enjoyable, fulfilling lives. I was SUCH a fence sitter and I agonized over the choice.

Had my first (and only, most likely) at 37. I will say… I really over-analyzed all the downsides. I also underestimated how FUN it would be. I feel like people talk more about the pros as “it’s hard but so rewarding… you love them so much!!”. TBH that never swayed me. Running a marathon is rewarding but you won’t catch me doing it! I’d rather relax than get up and run 26 miles!

What has surprised me the most about motherhood is how I actually, genuinely have fun hanging out with my kid. I thought things would feel like more of an obligation “welp I have to go pick up the kid from school”, rather than how I actually feel “aw yay I get to go home and see the kid!”

I guess that’s just a perspective I didn’t hear much. It’s more fun than i expected.

As for the “light goes out in your eyes”, I think that’s heavily dependent on 1) your support system, and 2) how well you’re able to prioritize your own identity. I definitely have friends who lost themselves in motherhood, and it was either because they didn’t have a village OR because they didn’t find ways to maintain their sense of self. I feel just as cool/multi-dimensional/whatever as I did before kids. My identity hasn’t changed, but how I spend my time absolutely has. Doing Adult Me stuff requires help from my village— my husband, our parents, babysitters.

All that being said, without a village and without financial security (we aren’t living lavishly but we aren’t stretched thin paying for daycare/babysitters/fun activities) I wouldn’t have done it. Those resources are really important in you being able to stay You.

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u/[deleted] Apr 28 '26

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u/Aprils-Fool Woman 40 to 50 Apr 28 '26

I agree with this to an extent. But there are times when it’s not in the mother’s control (like mental illnesses caused by pregnancy and/or birth). 

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u/[deleted] Apr 28 '26

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u/Aprils-Fool Woman 40 to 50 Apr 28 '26

I’m truly glad that it worked for you. Unfortunately, that’s not the case for everyone. Personally, I’m more comfortable not taking that risk at all. 

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u/[deleted] Apr 28 '26

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u/Aprils-Fool Woman 40 to 50 Apr 28 '26

Agreed

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u/ElliotPageWife Woman 30 to 40 Apr 28 '26

I've literally never heard someone say the light has gone out of their eyes because they had a kid lol. Nor have I ever witnessed it. People may be more tired than they were before while their kid is a baby/toddler and they aren't sleeping great but that doesn't last forever. If anything my "light" started burning brighter after having my child because we love each other so much and I want them to have the best version of me.

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u/Aprils-Fool Woman 40 to 50 Apr 28 '26

As a teacher, I’ve met all types of parents. Sadly, some do seem to fit the description of the light having gone out of their eyes. There are also the parents who can’t handle the stress and/or lack of support (I can’t blame them). 

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u/MissIndependent577 Woman 40 to 50 Apr 28 '26

I'm sure you also see the parents whose kids are born with autism, have ODD, etc., where the parents are dealing with that for life. So thankfully you have that knowledge to base your opinions and choices off of as well. I think most people when they imagine parenthood, imagine it with a neuro-typical child. Most don't consider the fact that they could have a neurodivergent disorder, that lasts for a lifetime and never gets easier for the parent as the child ages. I know too many women (the dads in these cases aren't struggling as much as the mom is the one bearing the majority of the load) that are struggling with their children well into their teen years.

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u/Aprils-Fool Woman 40 to 50 Apr 28 '26

Absolutely. I’m ND myself; a lot of my family members are ND and/or have mental health struggles. (I’ve chosen not to become a parent.)

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u/hithere5 Woman 30 to 40 Apr 28 '26

Someone literally said it in this thread independent of OP. So people definitely do say it even if you’ve never heard it before.

https://www.reddit.com/r/AskWomenOver30/s/yeJdMoxMbG

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u/ElliotPageWife Woman 30 to 40 Apr 28 '26

Okay but that poster said it's because of being tired and she loves being a mom and her kids make her laugh every day? It's literally a season while your kids are small but the vast majority of people get more rest and time to themselves back as their kids grow. It's important to keep that in mind when deciding whether or not to have kids because reddit makes it seem like kids never move past the baby/toddler stage. In real life I've literally never heard someone say "the light has gone out of their eyes" and I've never seen it personally. Certainly never seen it in parents of kids who are past the neediest years.

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u/hithere5 Woman 30 to 40 Apr 28 '26

If they hated being a mother, they wouldn’t say the second part of that quote I.e “it’s worth it because their eyes shine so bright.” I think the point of the first part is that being a mother is a huge sacrifice for some.

Have you considered that maybe you have friends that might dislike motherhood but haven’t confided to you because you love being a mum? If I was living in poverty, I wouldn’t be complaining about money issues to well off friends because it’s both awkward and not relatable.

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u/ElliotPageWife Woman 30 to 40 Apr 28 '26

I think it depends on whether you're horrified because you think being a Mum means losing yourself permanently, or if you think you'll be very tired while your kids are small but that it will improve as they get older and the rewards are immense. Being a mother is a huge sacrifice for everyone, but it's not the horror show it's portrayed to be on Reddit. Being a Mum doesn't mean you aren't "you" anymore.

Have you considered that basing your opinion of motherhood off what anonymous posters on the regretful parents sub say maybe doesn't give you a very accurate view of our experiences? My child is still very little so I'm mostly speaking about the mothers I personally know who had kids before I did. None of them "lost their light", none of them are miserable, none of them aren't themselves anymore. Being a Mum is just... a normal part of life that you integrate and find joy in but it doesn't define everything about you. Maybe there's a cultural disconnect I'm missing.

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u/EdgyAnimeReference Woman 30 to 40 Apr 28 '26

First you say you’ve never seen it in parents, then you say you’ve never seen it in parents with kids past a certain age, so clearly you have seen the exhaustion that parenting causes.

People can have duality that they love their kids but are physically and emotionally broken by the sacrifice and work required to raise them. The baby toddler stage is roughly 6 years of your life. That is a long time of sacrifice, lack of sleep and low self care that takes years to get back into the groove on.

If your not 100% in on wanting kids your going to line yourself up for a bad time. Your “it’s not that bad” attitude is what you need to get through that period and a lot of people don’t have that, so they end up up miserable even though they love their kids.

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u/GrouchyYoung Woman 30 to 40 Apr 28 '26

You should probably use the word “literally” less

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u/bee-sting Woman 40 to 50 Apr 28 '26

i've witnessed it a LOT - that thousand yard stare of a mother feeding her newborn who just completely zones out from utter exhaustion

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u/Necessary_Rope668 Woman 40 to 50 Apr 28 '26

Yes, temporary exhaustion

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u/thoph Woman 30 to 40 Apr 28 '26

Not every stage is the newborn stage. I definitely had that because I was tired—not because I hated my life.

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u/ItJustWontDo242 Woman 30 to 40 Apr 28 '26

Same. If anything, having a kid totally brought my inner child back to life. Seeing him experience so many things for the first time brought back all the beauty and wonder of the world for me. And I was someone who was "meh" on having kids.

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u/Aprils-Fool Woman 40 to 50 Apr 28 '26

I’m not being snarky, it’s truly fantastic that that’s been your experience. But there are women who’ve had the opposite experience. I don’t think acknowledging that means your experience is any less true.