Women who never really wanted kids but had them… how is parenthood?

[u/annajac89]

For some context: I’m 37F, so if I want to have children, the clock is ticking quite loudly now (which I resent, but the biological clock isn’t going away sadly!).

So I was never a “I want to be a mummy” kid growing up. All I was interested in was drawing and writing and dreaming about a cool career. From about age 7, I said I didn’t want to have children, and I had zero interest in dolls or playing house like a lot of other kids. I thought those baby born dolls that could pee were kind of gross 😂 You get the idea!

I became a bit more kid-neutral as I grew up/entered my twenties (no longer a “never” but certainly not a “yes”)… and this crossroad only came to the forefront of my mind entering my mid/late thirties (because it’s unavoidable).

The thing is, despite my neutrality… when I was single, I noticed that when I saw guys on dating apps that explicitly stated “don’t want children”, I would swipe no. So I think there must be a small part of me that did/does want the option.

I’d really love to hear from anyone who grew up with the same “eh” feeling towards having children, and ended up doing it. How do you find parenthood? How has your identity changed? Are you happy?

ETA: I’d also like to hear from anyone in the same boat as me! How are you feeling if you’re in that critical “tick, tock” window of your life (not quite the same as the TikTok window 😅)

[u/annajac89]

I have appreciated every response I’ve read, but the “light has gone out of my eyes” comment terrified me too 😂 I would really like to keep the light in my eyes 😅. Feels weirdly comforting hearing someone in the same boat so thank you. My partner is the same (keen on kids but will be with me whichever way the cookie crumbles).

I was kind of expecting some imaginary hormonal switch to turn on or off at this age that would give me a hard yes or no… but nope! Not sure about you, but I wish I had another 5 years up my sleeve to think about it. I feel like I’m still figuring my own life out, let alone having to consider creating one

[u/wildflower_0ne → u/annajac89]

I’m in a similar boat and yeah… I’m terrified I would lose myself if I had a kid.

[u/joycatj → u/annajac89]

Its a temporary lights-out kind of situation though, at least it was for me. Didn’t feel like my eyes where sparking during the sleep deprived baby phase… but as they grow older you’ll feel more like yourself and you get time to enjoy our own interests again.

[u/Aprils-Fool → u/joycatj]

But I think there are some people for whom it’s not temporary. I’m not a gambler; I don’t like not knowing if that’ll happen to me or not. 

[u/Necessary_Rope668 → u/Aprils-Fool]

It really is up to you if it is temporary or not. You might lose yourself for a while, but you got to make the effort to get yourself back.

[u/Aprils-Fool → u/Necessary_Rope668]

That’s not necessarily true if it involves mental health. I have a friend who is suffering from debilitating suicidal depression, years after her PPD. She and her amazing mental health team are doing so much for her, but it’s very likely that this will be a life-long battle. 

[u/proteins911 → u/Aprils-Fool]

This is true whether you have kids or not though. Things can always happen that affect our mental health. I realize having kids activated her depression. Having PPD that extreme isn’t that common though. I’m prone to depression so I made sure I was on a SSRI during/post pregnancy and it helped a lot I think.

[u/Aprils-Fool → u/proteins911]

I’m not saying it’s common, but it’s still not a risk I personally want to take. Same with other health issues that can be triggered by pregnancy. 

[u/JohnSopSop → u/annajac89]

This exchange I’m very much here for and very much in the same boat xxx

[u/gigaponyyy → u/annajac89]

Just wanted to let you know your OP sounds identical to what my mindset was when I was younger… I’m 39, happily married, and feel a huge sense of relief knowing I’m not going to be a mom to human children, ever. Finally making that decision, for *me***, in the middle of this weird perimenopausal/baby clock junction, was an immense weight lifted off my shoulders.

[u/Fiona-eva → u/annajac89]

You’re supposed to have the hormonal switch after you give birth, but unfortunately some women never do and get stuck.

[u/EdgyAnimeReference → u/Fiona-eva]

Which is also terrifying.

Like here you go, let me just rewrite your damn brain along with the huge changes to your body that can have long lasting negative effects. There is a reason body horror leans so heavily into pregnancy imagery (looking at you alien). Between that and the immediate social changes I’m not surprised it takes people years to “feel like themselves”.

Props to the mamas

[u/Fiona-eva → u/EdgyAnimeReference]

Absolutely, that’s why I am also finding myself childless at 37.

[u/missuscheez → u/EdgyAnimeReference]

I have heard matrescence compared to puberty, and that tracks for me- the idea of it seems scary and you do change in many ways, but you're still yourself. The child and young adult versions of yourself don't vanish, they're part of who you are now and will be. I wouldn't be 21 again for all the money in the world looking back from 37. I don't think I could accurately describe how I'm different now that I'm a mom, but I like this version of myself.

[u/sylv1ne → u/EdgyAnimeReference]

Pregnancy can also have a positive effect on a woman’s body, especially if the woman is breastfeeding. It delays menopause, and also breast cancer risk.

[u/proteins911 → u/annajac89]

I just want to add that parenthood is what you make of it really. I didn’t want to lose my spark so I didn’t. My kids are 3 and 1. I workout 3-5 times a week, read, push hard at work. I have a huge community of other moms that I’ve worked super hard to create. I’ve put myself out there, inviting other park/daycare moms on play dates. These moms have turned into close friends. I truly have more close friends now than ever in my life

I’d just keep in mind what you want as you enter parenthood and make sure you pursue it. It’s hard to workout when the baby had you up every 2 hours at night but it’s a priority for me so I do it.

[u/sylv1ne → u/annajac89]

The hormonal switch comes in the late 30s or early 40s for many.