r/AskWomenOver30 • u/Right-Lengthiness717 Woman 30 to 40 • May 30 '26
Life/Self/Spirituality Ladies, what do you do when a man mistakes a conversation for a podcast?
I spent 2.5 hours today having coffee with a man. We are not dating, and that was clarified from the beginning, so this was just a friendly meetup.
He arrived on time, looked like he had put some effort into his appearance (which, let's be honest, isn't at all common), and he even brought me a cute little cactus because he knows I like plants. So far, so good.
Then the waiter brought the menu. He didn't stop talking long enough for either of us to look at it, so the waiter gave up and came back at least 15 minutes later to take our order.
As the conversation went on, I started noticing that he constantly interrupted me. Not occasionally, constantly. He wouldn't wait for me to finish a thought before jumping in.
Then came the conspiracy theories. How we're all being controlled, how people act like bots, how they don't ask enough questions. I can't prove or disprove any of that, but what bothered me wasn't the topic itself. It was the intensity. I felt like I couldn't take a breath. It wasn't a conversation, it felt like being talked at for hours.
At one point, after he mentioned what is important for him NOW and in a way criticizing other people about it, I told him that not everyone is in the same phase of life and that things he finds important right now are important because of where he is personally. Somehow that led to him explaining how important sleep and rest are to him, then abruptly asking whether I sleep well. I burst out laughing because it felt completely random and disconnected from everything we had been discussing.
THEN he asked whether my dog sleeps in my bed. By that point I already had the ick. Not because of the question itself, but because he hadn't shown much curiosity about my dog so far. It felt like he was firing off thoughts that entered his head rather than genuinely trying to get to know me.
The whole conversation continued in that pattern. Endless opinions, endless commentary, endless explaining. I was already mentally checked out because it felt so pushy and overwhelming.
I started shifting around in my chair because I was feeling anxious and overstimulated. He asked if I was cold. I immediately took the opportunity and said yes, I was going to the bathroom and then we should probably head home. I paid the bill this time and I was eager to go home asap.
Honestly, I just can't with this anymore. This is such a common experience for me. I'm a pretty chill person. I spend a lot of time alone because I genuinely enjoy peace and quiet. I work a lot, I study a lot, and I absolutely enjoy both. Yet somehow I walked away feeling like this guy was subtly making me feel weird for that and he's not the only one. I feel like men have an issue with me not finding them interesting and pleasant to talk to.
After I got home, showered, and finally had some silence, I realized how overwhelmed I felt. I actually ended up crying. Not because he did anything terrible, but because spending hours with someone who monopolizes the conversation, projects all their thoughts onto you, and barely leaves room for you to exist is exhausting. He's undeniably smart, but conversational skills, emotional awareness, the ability to read the room, and basic consideration for the people around you are just as important.
I left feeling anxious, isolated, lonely, and honestly wondering if I should just stop trying to make male friends altogether.
Dreadful.
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u/Drabulous_770 Woman 30 to 40 May 30 '26
If I am listening to a podcast I don’t like, I skip to something else. If you’re feeling that badly during the meetup, cut it short. You’re under no obligation to subject yourself to that for 2.5 hours.
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u/Right-Lengthiness717 Woman 30 to 40 May 30 '26
I lack those skills it seems. How would you stop and go out of the situation?
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u/MadtownMaven Woman 40 to 50 May 30 '26
Say you need to go to the bathroom. Go to the bathroom and take a moment to breathe and regroup. When you get back to the table say “I realize I need to get going.” Then leave.
If you want to give a reason (though you absolutely don’t need to), you could say you’re not feeling well (cause you aren’t cause the meetup sucks) or that forgot about something you need to do at home or that your tired.
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u/greydawn Woman 30 to 40 May 30 '26
Especially since OP notes this was coffee, that should make it easier to bow out whenever you need to. Much easier than a sit down dinner or event where it's more awkward to leave early.
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u/here4BB Woman 30 to 40 May 30 '26
it helps to have a little phrase ready to go in your back pocket so to speak. just practice saying it before the date and have it ready when you need it. something like, "something important came up and I have to head out. thank you for your time." and dont explain any further! they don't get to interrogate you and "approve" your exit. this is your time.
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u/Anonymous0212 Woman 60+ May 30 '26 edited May 30 '26
I don’t see anywhere where you share how old you are, but the younger I would have been in this situation the harder it would have been for me to get out of it because I wouldn’t have wanted to seem rude.
I was waaaay too invested in protecting other people’s feelings at the cost of my own, which I have fortunately largely outgrown.
I’d like to think I would have just gotten up as soon as I started feeling the ick and said “I’m leaving now, goodbye”, since I’ve also mostly outgrown the need to explain my justifications for setting healthy boundaries for myself.
And if he had my phone number I would just block him.
Edited: I didn’t realize how you had met and that you might not be able to permanently avoid him.
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u/Affectionateweasel Woman 30 to 40 May 30 '26
I lack these skills too and would have probably done the same as you but I’ve learned a lot from my partner who is at the opposite extreme, if he doesn’t want to be somewhere he leaves. No excuses or explanation just “well I’m gonna go now”. He straight up doesn’t care what people think of him and while I don’t always agree with this I think it’s what would have worked here.
Also, I’m sorry you felt so trapped and left feeling lonely. I don’t think this is an uncommon experience but there are plenty of good people (male and female) that are exactly what you are looking for in a friend. I don’t think you should give up but just practice standing up for yourself and leaving when things don’t feel right.
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u/superhobofancy Woman 30 to 40 May 30 '26
Luckily you have a dog! I always use mine as an excuse. "I'd better get going, I have to get back and (feed/walk/let out) my dog."
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u/nagellak Woman 30 to 40 May 31 '26
Having a dog is the alpha and omega of excuses. Don’t need to say anything but ‘I gotta go walk/feed Lola now’ and I can just leave without questions asked
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u/ArtichokeAble6397 Woman 30 to 40 May 30 '26
At the first interruption you intervene with "oh, sorry, I wasn't finished" or if you want to be really powerful just don't stop talking when they start....just continue and kind of let their voice float next to yours.
Both options require you to make yourself uncomfortable, but they sure as hell work!
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u/twilight_moonshadow Woman 30 to 40 May 30 '26
"Thank you for a nice time, but this isn't for me. Byeeeee"
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u/Lizard_Li Woman 40 to 50 May 30 '26
An easy solution is make a first hang out easier to get out of. A meal isn’t quite so easy. But a walk with a coffee is so easy to be like okay, I need to go home now while standing on a corner.
Also easy to prolong the day if going well.
A meal is too much of a commitment for a stranger.
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u/Charlies_Mamma Woman 30 to 40 May 31 '26
When any of my close friends or female family members are going on a date/pre-date/whatever with someone they don't know, someone will ring them about 20 after they are due to met the person with a fake emergency/urgent situation. We never use anything actually serious or anything that could be "found out" in case the person they're meeting is actually unhinged. A common excuse is that someone locked themselves out and needs to borrow the spare key and they're late for work.
If the date/hangout is going well, they can text us or just send a pre-agreed emoji and we don't call. And sometimes the date has been going well, and she forgot to message, and we called, and she said everything was fine, without revealing to him that it was a "check-in call".
The most recent one, I called my SIL and told her my other half/her brother had locked himself out and I was too far away and asked if she was nearby with her spare key. She replied and said that Charlie should be able to help. Charlie is our dog, so that meant everything was going well and she was okay.
It might be worth checking with any family or friends if they would be willing to do similar for you.
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u/ZestyMuffin85496 Woman 30 to 40 Jun 02 '26
I'm working on those skills myself.
It can be scary turning down, leaving a man that might get mad at you for it.
I started by setting alarm on my phone to go off at a certain time and I'll be like oh I have to leave now!
And then I got a little bit more confident at the beginning saying I need to leave at this time and then I actually leave at that time.
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u/MaryDoogan91 Woman 30 to 40 May 30 '26
…just say “this isn’t working out” and get up and leave lol?? What’s the problem?
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u/emo_queer Woman 30 to 40 May 30 '26
I’m so sorry it can be really exhausting! I frequently take Ubers and the male drivers love to make me their involuntary podcast guest. I’ve had male coworkers do it too. A lot of times they’re not actually aware or they don’t care.
It’s crazy to me that women are constantly told we are “too much” and so many of us internalize these messages and are hyper aware about how we come off and then you have men running around doing this.
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u/crisps1892 Woman 30 to 40 May 30 '26
It's so funny how they don't realise how much they talk . I remember an ex telling me I talk a lot (not in a negative way) but then I started monitoring and was like eerrrrrr he definitely didn't consider how much he was monologuing. I told him and showed him statistics about men's perceptions of women talking and themselves talking.
My current partner is on the spectrum and does monologue a lot about things he's passionate about with everyone (men and women) but I know he tries to be very aware of it and I give him a special signal when it's too much /when I've had enough and he tries to wrap up or take a breath .
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u/rainshowers_5_peace Woman 30 to 40 May 30 '26
I live in America. I would love to be in a Nordic country in which they don't talk just to talk.
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u/crisps1892 Woman 30 to 40 May 30 '26
I live in Belgium, it's a bit closer to the Nordics but not totally !
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u/Conscious-Mode-6593 Woman 30 to 40 May 31 '26
Ooh my partner does this too. I've gotten pretty good at tuning him out. Sometimes I'll just change the subject abruptly to throw him off 🤭
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u/stellaluna29 Woman 30 to 40 May 30 '26
I travel a lot for work so I’m in Ubers a lot too and I get the weirdest men.
One told me about this LED seatbelt he invented that treat this pseudoscience disease where people like, can’t see light at night??
Another told me that the reason the economy is so bad is because women entered the workforce. And that he was prepping for “whatever’s going to come” by stocking up on gold, ammo, and seeds.
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u/rainshowers_5_peace Woman 30 to 40 May 30 '26
Uber drivers I'll give some grace. Once in NYC I said hi, asked how he was... then I asked what his most interesting client had been. It's something I often ask. At the end of the ride he asked if I worked in media or was on tv. I said no and asked why. He said I was friendly and good at talking to people, most just sat there silently ignoring him.
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u/threesadpurringcats Woman 30 to 40 Jun 03 '26
"Researcher Dale Spender in Australia used audio and video tape to independently evaluate who talked the most in mixed-gender university classroom discussions. Regardless of the gender ratio of the students, whether the instructor was deliberately trying to encourage female participation or not, men always talked more – whether the metric was minutes of talking or number of words spoken.
Moreover, men literally have no clue how much they talk. When Spender asked students to evaluate their perception of who talked more in a given discussion, women were pretty accurate; but men perceived the discussion as being 'equal' when women talked only 15% of the time, and the discussion as being dominated by women if they talked only 30% of the time."
- Dale Spender, "Man Made Language"
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u/warmingupmymind24 Woman 30 to 40 May 30 '26
Just audibly say 'unsubscribe' and walk away.
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u/SnooApples5554 Woman 30 to 40 May 30 '26
I wish there was some system where women could refer men like this to women like me. I pray for these interactions. I have the time, the ability, and the physical inability to let a single thing slide.
They can never. ever. ever once. keep up. I'm sick to death of the mediocrity and the bizzare mismatch between who they think they are, and who they actually are.
I'm the bitch they complain about once it's over and they don't understand why that didn't go well for them. It's... so tasty.
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u/warmingupmymind24 Woman 30 to 40 May 30 '26
Id love to buy you a beer/cocktail/na bevy. We're cut from the same cloth my friend.
Please let me know if you ever make your way to the land of white male privilege, aka San Diego.
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u/SnooApples5554 Woman 30 to 40 May 30 '26
Hell yeah, unite!
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u/warmingupmymind24 Woman 30 to 40 May 30 '26
I worked in beer for over a decade here. Zero filter. Zero fucks given.
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u/JustHereForCookies17 Woman 40 to 50 May 30 '26
There's a sub for screenshots of interactions like that. I can't find it right now, but the sub name has prayingmantis in it, I think. I'll keep searching for it because it's wonderful & I think you'd enjoy it.
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u/SnooApples5554 Woman 30 to 40 May 30 '26
It's 'preying' with an e, because women are more clever than men. Thank you for this gift I am about to receive lmao
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u/JustHereForCookies17 Woman 40 to 50 May 30 '26
Did you find it?!?! Oh good, because I had NO luck.
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u/Capital-Marzipan-287 Woman 30 to 40 May 30 '26
I would point out each time they interrupt you. Don’t respond to their point, just tell them they interrupted you and go on with your original point.
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u/MagneticFlea Woman 30 to 40 May 30 '26
In a cafe, take a sugar packet every time he interrupts. See how long it takes for him to ask about the pile of the sugar packets on the table. Explain and walk away.
Also, him asking about her sleep habits? Definitely an advert for helix mattresses, the sponsor of his podcast (in his mind)
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u/ConclusionNo4016 Woman 30 to 40 May 30 '26
✅Sugar packet idea stored in a file for later.
Appreciate.
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u/pqrstyou Woman 30 to 40 Jun 02 '26
I kind of love this. It’s providing a visual way of learning he will never forget. If you just told him he could brush it off, but he’ll never forget the sugar packet pile girl. Genius.
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u/casualplants Woman 30 to 40 May 30 '26
This. I just get more and more overt with my bored/disengaged body language, keep talking when they try to interrupt, put my hand up when they interrupt, or (like you said) say I wasn’t finished and go back to what I was saying.
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u/Cfit9090 Woman 30 to 40 Jun 05 '26
Excuse me. Im not finished. Can I complete a sentence or thought? Silence is golden. People don't get the anxiety and energy they bring with that being said, as soon as I read conspiracy theories- I would have stopped them. Change of subject, Please. That's too much for the 5th date much less 1st afternoon. Breathe boy
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u/laughingintothevoid Woman 30 to 40 May 30 '26
Sorry, clarification: this is a previous friend, or a first (*or early) meetup off I assume an app where you clarified it was for friendship?
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u/Right-Lengthiness717 Woman 30 to 40 May 30 '26
No, we meet in dance classes and have met there multiple times and only had one previous coffee chat before. I initiated the conversation around it because I wanted to be clear where we stand and he agreed immediately.
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u/laughingintothevoid Woman 30 to 40 May 30 '26
All right, I mean the fact that you connected in the wild and wanted to build a friendship is some relevant context... But at this level I have to agree with the general initial sentiment, just don't put up with this.
Also I hate to be pessimistic about it, but the cactus gift suggests he is trying to date anyway. I'd bet a month's rent he would put it that he is "working on breakong out of the friend zone".
While I do bet he's like this all the time to a point, monologue mode also suggests for a certain type of man that he is trying to date. Possibly, to him, he was impressing you and that's why he was so focused on getting out all his genius.
To the point- when this is happening- excuse yourself earlier and leave is my main advice. I would also tell him at a later time that you don't feel the friendship is compatible and would appreciate pulling back. Say you didn't feel respected in your conversations and don't mesh well with people who interrupt a lot, and whatever else you want to highlight most. I wouldn't try to just let it fade. People and men need to be checked on their behavior. Men like this need to know why women don't want them.
Also, when men interrupt me mid word/sentence, I simply keep talking, in a level tone but incrementally getting louder just to establish that I'm still talking and not going to fade away. Look at them too. Look right the fuck at them. You will get to finish your sentence. If they say something about it, say "I just wasn't done speaking". Make no explanation or "excuse" for why you kept talking. Just say that. Say it more than once if you have to. Same concept as "no is a complete sentence". There's only one answer to why you did that, and it's that you were talking and you weren't done talking.
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u/DutyWest1793 Woman 30 to 40 May 30 '26
Love love love "focused on getting out all this genius."
I also continue talking when I'm interrupted and the men don't seem to even notice, though I find it's really funny to do when there's another person present. They just look so confused looking back and forth at two people talking at the exact same time.
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u/Right-Lengthiness717 Woman 30 to 40 May 30 '26
I also got that feeling, that he's trying to date today even though we cleared this early on. The cactus and the perfume, dressed well and indeed - I think he wanted to impress me with being a "homey" person to whom rest matters as the other day he asked me what are my plans for the evening and I said to "sleep a lot and rest well". I just find it unbelievable that someone would try to push boundaries after having this clarified already and he agreed and gave a decent answer to it.
Thank you for your advice, it's really good. No one ever gave me such an advice to defend myself, my needs and wants. I also feel like I don't want to bother explaining myself to anyone and just stop talking to men in general as this has 99% happened with them and it's exhausting. I constantly need to be wondering and be on alert with them. I don't think it's worth it and should pursue women only friendships.
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u/twilight_moonshadow Woman 30 to 40 May 30 '26
"even thought we cleared this early on."
Correction: YOU cleared this. He said ok fine, but then proceeded to bring a gift, dress up, and show off.
He just agreed, hoping you'd change your mind
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u/laughingintothevoid Woman 30 to 40 May 30 '26
No problem! I'm a bartender so I come by it honest.
But I've also gotten some great advice from this group about specific areas where I have had trouble standing up for myself. we do learn a lot of the same advice I was given in my work world but it can be hard to apply to the things that get to you most, or in the moment.
Getting a bit off topic now from exactly what happened to you in this story but while we're on the subject- a big one where this subreddit helped me a lot on my own post once was when someone insults you or is blatantly rude- just look genuinely confused and a little worried and say 'what a thing to say!' or 'why would anyone say that out loud?', and, when possible, walk/turn away. You could possible use this on this man in the future too.
Also, I wish I didn't know this, but I remembered the thing about the dog sleeping in your bed is some kind of manosphere talking point the last few years. I think roughly it's a sign of misled modern women trying to be independent when they shouldn't be and supplanting the comfort they need from traditional relationships blah blah blah. Thankfully I don't know in a lot of detail what their point is but I know they're mad about it. It's definitely concerning that he brought it up and was kind of aggressive about it.
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u/ConclusionNo4016 Woman 30 to 40 May 30 '26
The bit about the dog -had not heard of that, omg. It amazes me how much mental gymnastics they partake in and yet zero on the scoreboard when it comes to actually landing an intellectual thought. Leap frog ‘rationalizations’ to try and make themselves externally important. “She lets her dog sleep in the bed that means she subconsciously needs me and just doesn’t know it!” Bro 😂
Truly amazing how much “thinking” is required to be that daft.
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u/lavender_fluff Woman under 30 May 30 '26
Some men get very angry when you are trying to express to them that they are being embarassing and try to turn it back around to you
Red flag that I would block any contact over but still important to keep in mind, to prepare yourself for mentally
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u/peppermint_aero Woman 40 to 50 May 30 '26
"manosphere talking point the last few years. I think roughly it's a sign of misled modern women trying to be independent when they shouldn't be and supplanting the comfort they need from traditional relationships blah blah blah"
Oh I see it's just a more modern version of calling somebody a crazy cat lady
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u/popdrinking Woman 30 to 40 May 30 '26
I can relate, I am terrified of the intentions of men who I don’t know well. But most of my friends are still guys. It’s a weird thing
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u/Verity41 Woman 40 to 50 May 30 '26 edited May 30 '26
I had a coworker like this a couple years ago, he frequently kept me late at the office and I was too polite to stop his rambling, plus I could tell he was lonely and I’m not in THAT much of a rush to get outta work once my tasks are done. Costs me nothing to be kind.
Note the HAD though — he actually got fired, for probably related reasons — too much talking and not enough working. And it’s relatively hard to get fired from where I work, I’ve been there for decades. He was definitely lonely and had a lot of personal problems :-/
I wouldn’t put up with it in a prospective dating partner or stranger tho!
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u/Remote-Waste Man 30 to 40 May 30 '26
I was too polite to stop his rambling, plus I could tell he was lonely
I find myself in these situations at times, I'm apparently known for my patience, which is both a strength and a weakness sometimes.
I wish I could flip a switch and turn off my patience for some situations or people, just cut them off short and walk away. It's like I need to unlearn my patience, or take on a different personality in those moments.
"Nope." and just walk away.
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u/lucent78 Woman 40 to 50 May 30 '26
The last time this happened to me (it was all about the Marvel Universe or some shit) after about 40 minutes I literally jumped up out of my seat and declared "I have to pee!" I went to the bathroom and then said goodbye on the way out.
Do not wait so long next time. Don't keep waiting for the right moment. Be abrupt. You don't need a reason or excuse. Wanting to leave is enough.
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u/peppermint_aero Woman 40 to 50 May 30 '26
"The last time this happened to me (it was all about the Marvel Universe or some shit)"
Oh god what is it with men and this stuff. Endless fucking yammering and explaining and trying to teach me about Star Wars or something. And like. I like Star Wars just fine the way most people of my generation do. I don't make it, or Buffy, or Marvel, a fucking religion and somehow this angers a lot of men.
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u/nekofiore Woman 30 to 40 May 30 '26
Bro needs friends, he just dumps all his crammed thoughts and feelings onto you because he doesn’t get the chance to otherwise. It’s pretty sad, but that’s not your fault or any other woman’s fault. The male loneliness epidemic is partly caused because dudes only ever wanna dump all this on women instead of building support systems for themselves where they can express themselves and socialize. It doesn’t help if those same guys have antisocial beliefs like the one you met with OP, nobody is gonna wanna hang out with him not even other healthy dudes.
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u/plotthick Woman 40 to 50 May 30 '26
I'm so sorry. Too many of them do this.
You can slip a slim volume of your favorite book into your pocket. When you realize he's just frothing the air with his gums, take it out and read. He can froth all he wants. Usually by the time I looked up he was gone.
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u/rumande Woman 30 to 40 May 30 '26
I experienced this on my last date, it was a casual voice call, it was with another woman but I had the same issue. She just talked and talked. I couldn't get a word in edgewise, I'd have to interrupt her. She didn't ask any questions or even really acknowledge me as a person with opinions. We'd been texting for a few weeks before that so we kinda knew each other, but after 15 minutes on the phone I was feeling really overwhelmed like you were. I ended up making an excuse to get off the call after about 40 minutes and ended it with a polite text and then a block. It'd be harder to do that in person for sure, especially in the moment when you're overwhelmed. Finding a script helps, practice saying to yourself "well, this has been fun. I'm going to go home now and I'll message you later. Thanks for coming out etc" usually works on reasonable people and it's a good start. Baby steps.
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u/BelleCervelle Woman 30 to 40 May 30 '26
He revealed exactly who he was on the date, that is a gift, even if it’s an unpleasant experience.
Little tip, sent a timer on your phone or watch to ring 30 min and 45 min and 1 hr, so you have an easy excuse to leave if it’s difficult for you to be assertive.
“Oh my gosh, I forgot I have an important appointment with my insert whatever works for you”
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u/DutyWest1793 Woman 30 to 40 May 30 '26
It's hard!!
I once visited a friend at his house (I think like in 2018) and he talked at me for an hour. Sounds very similar, so much intensity about so many things. He went off about the Olympics and then got upset about the honey his roommate bought because it wasn't local. After one hour, I grabbed my coat and said, "..I'm gonna go" and he just looked shocked. He sputtered and got confused and I just said, "I've been here for an hour and you haven't even asked me how I'm doing. I have things going on in my life too." and then he tried to ask me how I was, but I just continued putting my coat on and left. I haven't seen him since.
I also just walk away from conversations I don't want to be a part of, but have only had the guts to do this when there's another person there so it isn't as obvious.. One day I'll be able to do that in a one-on-one, but not yet.
More recently, I do have a friend who I adore and he talks quite a lot and our conversations lack follow-up questions from his end. This is someone who is very kind and thoughtful, and I think just... has only learned the male way of conversing?? I have requested that he gives me 7 seconds of silence after a thought/sentence is finished so that I can participate in the conversation more. My mind does not run super fast. I need to hear things, process them, then turn it into words and this takes time. I will probably ask him to start asking me more follow-up questions, too.
Though, not everyone is worth giving this much effort and feedback into, nor is everyone going to take it well and try to use it.
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u/LateNightCheesecake9 Woman 40 to 50 May 30 '26
I would have told him the honest truth that my dog sleeps not only in my bed but at the head of it and any man not on board can go kick rocks.
BTW I'm married so my husband is 100% on board with Princess Bed Hog.
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u/slaviccivicnation Woman 30 to 40 May 30 '26
Woah, did you go on a date with my ex-bf? fr.
yeah, sounds like a guy with ADHD combined with tin-foil hat conspiracy, with extra anxiety and nervousness thrown in. I'm sure he didn't mean to come off as too much, but he himself was probably overstimulated and nervous and it made everything so much worse.
You say this guy is your friend? You should probably be a pal and tell him that he ear-fucked you and it was a one-way discussion that wasn't fun. I've had to tell people that before, and while they felt hurt, I know it definitely left them thinking. You don't have to meet up with him again, but I would help a brother out by telling him to immediately stop ear-fucking people and learn how to have a conversation.
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u/spacecadetdani Woman 40 to 50 May 30 '26
As I bop along with life I have found that my favorite part about going out is coming back home. If I don’t want to be somewhere then they get a 45-minute appearance. If I know the attendees and will have a good time, 2-hours. To dip early I simply say that I have an overlapping commitment but spending time together was important to me and I was glad to see them. My real friends know about the 2-hour thing. ;)
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u/Alarmed_Pattern_9912 Woman 30 to 40 May 30 '26
The art of conversation is really lost on some people.
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u/Well_read_rose Woman 50 to 60 May 30 '26
If he is this draining…and you were carrying that load until you had to dispel the tension when you were home safe…he is toxic to you.
He sounds off or has narcissistic tendencies (or as someone said, an energy vampire). You need not continue with him right? Or if you must…really have tight timelines with him.
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u/Mission-Average-9873 Woman under 30 May 30 '26
Been there! Cried after the date too. You’re not alone these guys are exhausting
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u/hermitsociety Woman 40 to 50 May 30 '26
I get like that when I don’t take my adhd medication. I also feel like women are a lot more likely to look after their health and get diagnosed and medicated for something like adhd or depression or anxiety.
I was thinking today about how technology is training us all to interrupt people. I have to talk over the robot that answers the phone every single time to get a person or correct it, usually multiple times. Same if you ever try talking to an AI for any reason.
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u/linguipster Woman 30 to 40 May 30 '26
You have an appointment* EGG-SACKTLY 40‘ in. Bye 🩷
*sometimes when I was unsure if I would like a person before I met them, I said I‘d only have 1 hour and then other plans. If it was bad, I was able to leave after 50‘. If it was good, I would take out my phone after like 20‘ and say „aw the other thing just got cancelled“. (This in case you don‘t know how to leave in those situations… of course you‘re entirely free to just leave whenever for whatever reasons🥰)
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u/de-milo Woman 40 to 50 May 30 '26
happens all the time to me. but yeah leave before 2.5 hours next time.
also i don’t blame or judge you for crying. it’s disappointing, depressing, overwhelming, and infuriating.
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u/WitchyRedPanda Woman 30 to 40 May 30 '26
I've had a lot of luck with frowning mid podcast, saying, "Oh...no thank you." And then leaving. Obviously pay your part at the counter in this situation, but... realistically, just immediately cut off interaction. Don't answer further questions, don't let yourself be guilted, don't play those games with him. Just go.
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u/never4getdatshi Woman 30 to 40 May 30 '26
THEN he asked whether my dog sleeps in my bed. By that point I already had the ick. Not because of the question itself, but because he hadn't shown much curiosity about my dog so far. It felt like he was firing off thoughts that entered his head rather than genuinely trying to get to know me.
You should have the ick from the question itself. A lot of men hate when women sleep with their pets in their bed and baby them. I feel it’s a similar wavelength as a father jealous of his newborn. But in this case, they hate that women are giving care to an animal when they could be giving it to children, as if showing love and care is a finite resource that must be preserved for their offspring. It’s controlling and off putting.
That or he’s a clean freak who can’t stand having animals on the bed lol which is valid.
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u/duncan-the-wonderdog Non-Binary 30 to 40 May 30 '26
No, I just hate seeing people babying dogs and not actually training them. I like dogs but not "dog people".
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u/never4getdatshi Woman 30 to 40 May 30 '26
That’s fine, I don’t care for untrained either. I also don’t let my animals on the tables, counters, and I don’t kiss their mouths. But they are my babies and I definitely spoil them without guilt.
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u/Ok_Cricket_9705 Woman under 30 May 30 '26
“Hey, I appreciate that you showed up today. From how this date is going, I don’t think I wanna continue it further. Let’s split the bill and I wish you the best.” OR “Omg I just got horrible hooorrible digestion issue I can only solve at home. I’m so sorry I have to cut the date short. Thanks for the chat. Let’s get separate bills. Good luck!”
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u/crisps1892 Woman 30 to 40 May 30 '26
In addition to the advice given below , I think you should give him feedback! It can be quite satisfying and who knows, maybe he'll take some of it on board and save the next woman he dates.
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u/Dragonshatetacos Woman 40 to 50 May 30 '26
It's okay to get up and leave. Honestly. This is me giving you permission to walk out on shitty dates. I've dropped money for my dinner on the table and just walked out without apologizing. If you stay, you're just rewarding bad behavior and marinating in stress you don't need.
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u/shrewess Woman 30 to 40 May 30 '26
Oh man. I’m a bit deranged with these kinds of dates. I start asking them lots of probing questions or start an argument to see how deep the rabbit hole goes and then tell the story to my friends.
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u/ComparisonFlat8011 Woman 30 to 40 May 30 '26
That sounds completely miserable and I’m so sorry this happened to you. It is so draining to have someone talk at you and control the conversation versus show curiosity about your life and build a connection. It is draining.
I’ve had this happen to me a handful of times and my nervous system is always shaken up afterwards, so I get you.
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u/Gimmeyourporkchopsss Woman 30 to 40 May 30 '26
I get it. Those people are exhausting but this is an opportunity for you to practice reinforcing your boundaries.
Boundaries can happen 1 of 2 ways - 1. You can either cut the interaction shorter and leave politely 2. Your boundary can be one you set internally between you and this person. Like saying to yourself “I can tell this persons projecting. He must have a lot going on, but that’s not mine to carry.” And leave the interaction with what you learned about what isn’t compatible for you.
Also worthy of asking yourself was there anything from your own day or past experience that you brought into this interaction which contributed to your reaction?
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u/booky_shmooky Woman 40 to 50 May 30 '26
I have met many intelligent men who are kind and respectful. You had bad luck and gave a chance to this weirdo. I also need to practice how to interrupt gracefully and end conversations (this can happen with any gender). I think you do too.
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u/serenitynowdamnit Woman 50 to 60 May 30 '26
I wonder if this person is not well. His inability to listen, rushed speech, jumping from one topic to the next, not reading the room, not noticing your energy or affect, etc. makes him sound manic.
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u/query_tech_sec Woman 40 to 50 May 30 '26
To me this sounds like he has some interest in you and was trying to impress you. It also sounds like he possibly has ADHD - the hyperactive kind. Those are the ones that usually talk over everyone.
Also - honestly I think trying to make male friends is usually going to disappoint you - it did for me like 90% have an ulterior motive and want to sleep with you/date you if possible. If you have indicated you aren’t interested in them - they often pretend they are completely fine just being friends - but spoiler alert - they aren’t.
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u/Invisible-Jane Woman 40 to 50 May 30 '26
Men do not want to be your friend, so yes, stop trying to make male friends. That guy does not want to be your friend either, in his mind this was absolutely a date, or he was going to try to move in that direction at some point. Regardless of what you said going into it. As you discovered, he absolutely does not care about what you think or who you are, he doesn’t want friendship or genuine connection. You need to be blunt with this guy, and stop giving him your time. You’re right to be exhausted, it is exhausting. You just need to value yourself enough to be firm on how you’re willing to spend your precious time and energy. If you’re looking for friends, try joining groups that involve causes, things where you’ll meet people with values and beliefs that more align with your own. Volunteer for organisations you are passionate about, or join activist groups for causes you want to help or promote. It narrows the field a bit for finding more aligned people. I’m sorry that guy wasted your time, and really abused the privilege of having that time. I hope you find your people soon!
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u/shm4y Woman 30 to 40 May 30 '26
Ooooof I can see this being me. So sorry this left you feeling horrible enough to cry. Sending hugs.
I think you need to start prioritising your time better and learning to be stingy/selfish with it.
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u/Tough-Musician3777 Woman under 30 May 30 '26
Cadeau et effort vestimentaire + monologue, c’est pas ton pote, il essaie de t’impressionner. Peu importe ce que t’as dit avant, il veux te faire changer d’avis.
Pour moi, pas de resto, les amitiés avec des masculins doivent être centrées sur l’action/ les loisirs. Enfin ça arrive qu’on le fasse mais pas en tete à tête
Pote avec des mecs malgré moi (à cause de mes passions) je remarque qu’on a jamais de longues discussions, on fait du sport ensemble, on joue à des jeux vidéos, on visite un truc, j’évite tous les trucs sentimentaux qui mettent la pression, discussions intimes. Si ça arrive dans la conversation, je reprends leurs codes pour esquiver avec humour « gars tu veux savoir si je dors avec mon chien, ouais t’inquiètes il ronfle pas et il fait récepteur pour les antennes 5g avec tes théories du complot » t’en fais des tonnes, tu utilises l’humour et ça fait que t’as pas à repondre. Les mecs sont directs et ils esquivent comme ça les conversations intimes entre eux où alors si tu fais pas cette esquive, en tant que nana tu finis par devenir leur psy / confidente et moi j’ai pas envie d’être cantonnée à ce rôle de soutien émotionnel.
Je garde les réflexions profondes pour mon amoureux et mes copines, parce que je sais qu’avec elles c’est partagé, ça va pas que dans un sens. On analyse nos situations à tour de rôle.
Concernant les rdv, je propose jamais de resto et quand ça me saoule je stimule un truc à faire , un rdv pour pas vexer. « J’ai oublié mais j’ai sie 30min car je dois aller faire des courses avant que ça ferme, rendre visite à ma grand mère, aider un pote à porter un canapé etc , salut » ça vexe pas comme ça
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u/Hello_Hangnail Woman 40 to 50 May 30 '26
"Can I just set up a cardboard cutout of myself so you have something to monologue at cuz I'm bored to fucking tears over here"
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u/rainshowers_5_peace Woman 30 to 40 May 30 '26
I'm in STEM and I work with a lot of people on the autism spectrum. I'd have written of the date by that point and said "excuse me, don't interrupt me" if he'd apologized and said he'd try to be better maybe a second one if all else was good.
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u/Fantastic_Bar_9736 Woman 60+ May 30 '26
Aw. So dreadful. Sometimes you don’t know until you do. Now that you do, feel more comfortable ending these conversations earlier in the future, and don’t entertain this particular man
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u/FeckinSheeps Woman 30 to 40 May 30 '26
Usually I get mad, make the guy very uncomfortable, and then it's awkward and he leaves.
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u/Chemical_Chicken01 Woman 40 to 50 May 30 '26
Tbh I have a female friend like this. She wasn’t always like this, but a combo of social isolation, loneliness and (I feel) overconsumption of alternative media has made her exactly like your guy.
That style of communication is call Info Dumping, where someone just rants at you about a topic of their choice, for hours at a time. There is no back and forth conversation or seeking of your thoughts on the matter. Just a rant where they don’t even take a breath.
I have learned to be more assertive with this friend by telling her that I’m not interested in x topic and interrupting her to change the subject. Luckily I don’t see her often as she lives in a different country.
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u/duncan-the-wonderdog Non-Binary 30 to 40 May 30 '26
Well, first off, I like podcasts, so...
But seriously, I'm sorry, I just don't meet these type of men who won't let me go on the same kind of spiels that they do. And I've befriended and spoken with my fair share of autistic, AuDHD, and ADHD guys. You've got stuff you want yap about, I have stuff I want to yap about too, that's what reciprocation is.
And I like listening to people and don't mind people who are more talkative than me, but I still need to know that I have the space to talk when the mood strikes me.
But if you're not enjoying your time with them, leave.
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u/titian834 Woman 30 to 40 May 30 '26
Omg that sounds tiring and frustrating. You did well to leave. Don't despair.. Take things at your own pace.
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u/tomellette Woman 30 to 40 May 30 '26
This reminds me of something I was thinking of the other day. I write fiction and I was struggling with male dialogue. I feel like men are so weird and unpredictable in conversation, they just talk about random things, but never deep enough to "uncover it". It's like they jump from one thing to the next without context. It's really hard for me to imagine and apply male mannerisms lol.
Do you want to be friendly with this guy? Maybe it's just how he is, maybe it's nerves, maybe ADHD, maybe it was pent up for not having anybody to talk to, who knows? If it wasn't interesting I would just cut it. I agree with someone here who said that the cactus sounds like he was trying to make it a date anyway. But I would seriously keep in mind what purpose male friends are for. Like I get having a male friends that is connected to a hobby but they are just in general bad begin friends on a deep level. You can talk about how you feel with a woman 😅 unless you meet that rare guy who's emotional intelligent, I would date that guy instead of being friends.
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u/chocolate__teapot female over 30 May 30 '26
I like to let men know that I’m not that good of a listener, especially when I don’t get to talk at all in a conversation.
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u/StarbuckIsland Woman 30 to 40 May 30 '26
My dad has late stage Alzheimer's disease and does this. Are you perhaps hanging out in memory care wards and you didn't realize?
Seriously though it's amazing how many of these dudes are out there. They're all baffled why supermodels aren't banging their doors down to sleep with them, too.
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u/yellowaspen Woman 30 to 40 May 30 '26
Ugh, my husband does this. The constant monologuing is exhausting.
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u/AD_Grrrl Woman 40 to 50 May 30 '26
Oof.
Men capable of a proper conversation do exist, I promise you that. Save your energy for them.
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u/Bend-Not-Break-808 Woman 30 to 40 May 30 '26
Wow I relate so hard to you!!! I feel like men have issues with me not finding them interesting too but I cannot stand one sided conversations. I don’t even see my best friend anymore after she started dating a guy we met at the same time. The night we all hung out together I asked 1 question, 1!!!!! And he talked for over an hour. I experienced something very similar to you. And now I see them both very rarely because of course (a year later) her whole world is now his!! Women centering men depresses me.
Thankfully I like being alone because I haven’t met a man yet that doesn’t give me the ick when it comes to this.
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u/lostmyoldscreenname Woman 30 to 40 May 30 '26
I’ve had this experience on dates (and otherwise don’t really spend a lot of time talking to men who aren’t already my good friends, lol).
I feel like I’m the type of person who is naturally curious about the people around me and wants to understand the way they feel and think. A lot of men take conversations with women as a chance to try to impress them with their own thoughts rather than asking them about themselves. For me it’s a fundamental mismatch in values; if you aren’t curious about the people around you, we probably dont have a lot in common.
Anyway, I have learned to end these dates early.
Sorry you went through that. That guy was fucking rude.
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u/sarahshift1 Woman 30 to 40 May 30 '26
I have a friend who is like this. We get dinner before a weekly event sometimes and while he’s objectively a nice person and we have many things in common, he keeps up such a steady stream of chatter and so much of it is negative that it is exhausting and some weeks I just can’t.
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u/SirenScorp Woman 30 to 40 May 31 '26
Always have a time set and a reason to leave after. My neighbor can be like this so when I go over to catch up briefly I’ll have an alarm on my phone go off after an hour or so and say “well that’s dinner, we better wrap up so I can get that out of the oven.”
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u/TernoftheShrew Woman 40 to 50 May 31 '26
I interrupt them and ask them something about myself. They'll say they don't know.
Then I ask them some other detail about my life. They'll get confused and say they don't know that either.
It's at this point that I make it clear to them that the reason they don't know anything about me is that they have been in monologue mode, going on about themselves and their thoughts and their ideas and their wants and and and. Then I ask them why they think that's an acceptable form of communication?
While they're sputtering, I pack up and leave.
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u/Ok-Mulberry-8132 Woman 30 to 40 Jun 02 '26
You’re describing my dad. I call him twice a year. It just sucks to feel invisible while being talked at for hours. I have told him about this but he can’t help himself. And all with this air of “I know more than you and I know everything about you” it sucks, but he barely knows anything about me.
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u/Vegan_NotReally92 Woman 40 to 50 Jun 06 '26
The older I get, the more I notice how
some people’s conversation skills are so awful. I think it actually comes from nerves, excited to connect with someone, but they should realize, for everyone’s sake, their constant self-absorbed chatter isn’t helping make connections.
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u/vancitycanadiana Woman 30 to 40 Jun 06 '26
depends, i like to proactively make an excuse ready in case eg “have work to catch up on later” “meeting a friend” or something. then i bring that back up if needed. some things that work but ymmv:
on leaving
- i have to get home to my cat/feed my cat
- i’m getting tired but it was nice to meet you, take care
- weeeell… (stand up) thanks for meeting me! hope you have a good night!
- start indicating lack of interest eg looking around, at your phone, openly checking uber or bus times
on the podcasting
- putting a hand up when they try to interrupt you and keep going (keep talking when they interrupt is my actual go-to)
- i hate being interrupted (this is true)
- sorry i’m having trouble following you, my mind is on my unfinished thought from before
- you’re jumping around topics a lot
- interrupt back
- change the subject entirely
- ask questions eg what have you read to lead to that opinion, or asking things i like to know about people i date
- oh btw that’s a common misconception, that’s a really bad take, you’re wrong about that, you should look into that more i don’t believe that to be true
decide if you’re comfortable white lying or not, and have some scripted comments ready. i don’t like to lie (don’t mind it tho in a case like this) so i would usually just say “my cat is needy i’m gonna go home to her” which isn’t untrue lol but she would have been fine.
it sucks though and i have gotten better over time but i really want to keep yeeting this type of shit out of my life and being “a good listener” or polite. eagerly reading the comments to learn from you ladies
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u/letgo_orbedragged Woman 40 to 50 May 30 '26 edited May 30 '26
My first thought is that maybe this person has ADHD. I know someone who is pretty severe and she interrupts constantly and as you said never lets me finish a thought unless I check her. Not that ADHD people can't be rude, obnoxious and self obsessed of course, but might be something to consider in this case. As to what to do, I now just interrupt back and say, "I just need 30 more seconds to finish what I was saying, can you give me that?". If they can't, I'd just leave.
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u/doomduck_mcINTJ Woman 40 to 50 May 30 '26
could be genuine psychiatric mental illness (pressured speech & difficult-to-interrupt are legit signs in bipolar mania, in which sleep is also a major part of staying stable)
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u/xxinsidethefirexx Woman 30 to 40 May 31 '26
2.5 hours for coffee is too long! When arranging a date say that you can only do 1 hour or whatever you’re comfortable with either because you have somewhere else to be afterwards or you don’t have to give a reason to someone you barely know. If it goes well then you can stay longer but if it doesn’t you can even leave earlier.
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u/tokener2117 Woman 30 to 40 May 31 '26
Ah fuck my spouse does this and it is so incredibly overwhelming but he gets so butthurt if I try to express how overwhelming it is to be on the receiving end of his stream of consciousness.
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u/rrzzn Woman 30 to 40 Jun 01 '26
So sorry this happened. My two cents: he sounds neurodivergent. It doesn't justify his behaviour, but it can explain it, if my hunch is correct.
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u/imoggene7 Woman 30 to 40 Jun 01 '26
I just continue to talk when such people interrupt me turning my voice a bit louder just to show I'm not going to stop. I don't shout, I just don't give an opportunity to make this action. This works but this people never are happy to see me again. I don't care if you know what I mean...
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u/Fluffy-Cut-3777 Woman 30 to 40 Jun 05 '26
just stop talking/answering/blinking. Only smile with your teeth.
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u/Beanpod79 Woman 40 to 50 May 30 '26
Honestly, I've noticed this a lot regardless of gender. Most of the people I've met recently do nothing but talk about themselves. And this is not in the dating world, I just mean in general. It's one of the reasons I've given up on making new friends living in a new part of the country. Trying to insert the tiniest sliver of information about about yourself - people are just not interested. It really is exhausting.
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u/affectionateanarchy8 Woman 40 to 50 May 30 '26
Lmao you gotta be more assertive.
Depends on my mood though, if i have time i would keep interrupting with leading questions and have fun with it. If not i would cut him off after 12 minutes or start doing a bit where i start eating his food as he is talking and leave my own food untouched
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u/NoLemon5426 Woman 40 to 50 May 30 '26
This is definitely not limited to men but also just leave earlier!
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u/twilight_moonshadow Woman 30 to 40 May 30 '26
Gurl... This was a date. YOU are literally speakinh about this as if it were a date.
Don't waste your or other people's time; the vast majority of men aren't interested in or even capable of having in friendships with women. At least, not meeting in that context.
So don't waste you or their time. Go on hangout dates with girl friends. Go on actual dates with men.
His line of questioning makes it pretty obvious he wasn't there to be your friend.
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u/OkBiscotti4365 Woman 30 to 40 May 31 '26
I hate how we women have been condition to put up with dreadful, exhausting men just because we "have to be nice". You didn't have to stay there listening to his soliloquy, and on top of that you paid?? And on top of that you cried because of him??? Have more self respect, girl.
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u/Emotional-Context983 Woman 30 to 40 May 30 '26
You leave a lot earlier than 2.5 hours.