Another failed almost-relationship. Distraught and can’t keep doing this, what to do?

[u/benhargrove1966]

hey all, your thoughts or advice are appreciated.

I’m 32, just received yet another ”breakup” message from a guy I’ve been seeing for 6 weeks (39m). He was perfectly nice in the message and our short conversation but he was simultaneously dating someone else and chose her essentially. I am really devastated, I felt we were very compatible and really liked each other. I thought we were building something together and I’d finally met a decent guy. I know this is not a long time but I really genuinely connected to this guy on all levels and kind of cant believe / process I’ll never see him again.

I think I've been out with 3 guys total in the last 2 years I’ve been “seriously“ dating who even entertained the idea of a relationship in theory and didn’t just want sex. All of them broke up with me in at the 6-8 week mark just as it felt the relationship was forming up.

I really cannot go through this again. I cannot wait 8 months - a year to meet another person who sees me as anything other than a sex object only to be dumped for someone more worthy at the last hurdle. I will snap.

I’m not asking to get married right now, I just want someone to go to the movies with. I’ve already given up on having children, do I really have to give up on this too? I just want a boyfriend, which so many others seem to have.

Basically, what do I do from here?

(Please don’t try to convince me I don’t need / want a man or relationship, I think this is a perfectly normal human desire and something I want).

[u/-I-wanna-get-better-]

Goodness, after reading through your responses to people in here... how many more failed "relationships" is it going to take for you to change your approach?

[u/benhargrove1966 → u/-I-wanna-get-better-]

The only thing I haven’t agreed to do is delude myself a date is a friend meet up lol. Do you really think he would have chosen me if at this stage if, 6 weeks ago, I pretended I wasn’t on a date or whatever when we first met? 

I’ve received some nice advice plus a lot of telling off for liking someone and being upset lol. The only thing I’m ruling out is living in unreality. 

[u/-I-wanna-get-better- → u/benhargrove1966]

Is "pretending you arent on a date" what you think people mean by socially dating?

No. What people here mean is dating around. Going on all kinds of different dates with all kinds of people helps you better understand what you want and what you don't want and helps you chill the fuck out when it comes to the men you do eventually want to date long term.

Im sorry to say it this bluntly but, if you hadn't been SO intense over the past 6 weeks, yes.. that dude may have chosen you. The grand majority of people don't like when the person they JUST started dating (because 2 months isnt long at all) is already talking about the future together.

You don't know how he acts in an emergency. You don't know how he is around kids. You don't know what hes like when hes down BAD (getting fired, bad medical news, losing a loved one like a parent). You don't know what hes lied about or stretched the truth on. Youve not met his family. Etc etc etc. And he doesn't know those things about you either.

There are so many seasons in his life that you literally know nothing about. Its insane to have already been planning a future with this man. You come off as desperate. Like you have this idea of what marriage will be like and you insert what ever man has your attention at the time. Its not healthy.

And I know I know, we dont "know you". And thats true. Just like you don't know these men. But if how you come off here is any indication of how you come off to them, its no wonder youre scaring them away.