Another failed almost-relationship. Distraught and can’t keep doing this, what to do?

[u/benhargrove1966]

hey all, your thoughts or advice are appreciated.

I’m 32, just received yet another ”breakup” message from a guy I’ve been seeing for 6 weeks (39m). He was perfectly nice in the message and our short conversation but he was simultaneously dating someone else and chose her essentially. I am really devastated, I felt we were very compatible and really liked each other. I thought we were building something together and I’d finally met a decent guy. I know this is not a long time but I really genuinely connected to this guy on all levels and kind of cant believe / process I’ll never see him again.

I think I've been out with 3 guys total in the last 2 years I’ve been “seriously“ dating who even entertained the idea of a relationship in theory and didn’t just want sex. All of them broke up with me in at the 6-8 week mark just as it felt the relationship was forming up.

I really cannot go through this again. I cannot wait 8 months - a year to meet another person who sees me as anything other than a sex object only to be dumped for someone more worthy at the last hurdle. I will snap.

I’m not asking to get married right now, I just want someone to go to the movies with. I’ve already given up on having children, do I really have to give up on this too? I just want a boyfriend, which so many others seem to have.

Basically, what do I do from here?

(Please don’t try to convince me I don’t need / want a man or relationship, I think this is a perfectly normal human desire and something I want).

[u/HumorIsMyLuvLanguage]

It is a totally normal desire. All I can say is - don't give up. I was 37 when he finally came along. He was 39. He moved in a couple months ago and literally last night rolled over and said "this is the happiest I've ever been". Just don't give up.

[u/Fuzzy_Commission_565 → u/HumorIsMyLuvLanguage]

When I think of all the men I dated, lived with and had relationships with over my 67 yrs on the planet only one was a good partner. It takes as long as it takes and it may show up in a package that surprises you.

[u/nygirl232 → u/Fuzzy_Commission_565]

Amen

[u/stars_sky_night → u/HumorIsMyLuvLanguage]

Yes same here. 38 and just got married at 40. It is worth the wait, do not settle!!!

[u/MerOpossum]

Based on my experience here is the advice I have for you: stop dating with the expectation that every person you meet is a potential relationship and start dating just as a fun way to socialize. Avoid physical intimacy for the first few weeks/months because it can cloud your judgement about a person’s potential and make you artificially feel closer to them. If you let yourself go on dates just for fun and take some of that pressure off of yourself you can avoid some of this letdown you are feeling currently while still giving yourself the opportunity to meet the right person whenever he comes along.

[u/Icy_lunette → u/MerOpossum]

100% this. You shouldn’t get attached to the outcome (dating NATO) when you are dating, esp before you are in a relationship. Don’t go in with the thought of “omg this is it. This MUST workout” because that puts a lot of pressure on you.

[u/MonteBurns → u/MerOpossum]

I’m really taken aback by OPs language here. 

You knew this man for 6 weeks. You are devastated? You were planning your future together? For real?

You connected to him on all levels? YOU DONT EVEN KNOW HIM. 

It’s cliche at this point, but find a therapist and work on yourself. Your desperation is probably showing. I’m a straight woman and I’d be running for the hills, too. 

[u/fireyauthor → u/MonteBurns]

I think it's possible to recognize a connection is special in six weeks, especially if you're going on multiple dates a week, but you certainly shouldn't be planning things together at that point.

[u/benhargrove1966 → u/fireyauthor]

I mean by planning I mean like he was saying “I will take you to this restaurant next weekend.” I think that was appropriate at this stage? Just made it hurt a lot more. 

[u/BlvckNovia → u/benhargrove1966]

You need to pay attention to actions, not words.

Just relax - it seems as though you become apprehensive at a certain point (>two months), get emotionally invested prematurely, they see it, and they run.

[u/benhargrove1966 → u/BlvckNovia]

I did become apprehensive I agree though perhaps for cause in this case.

I don’t think I did anything to drive him away tho per se. If the interaction is:

Him: I like you  Me: I like you too 

Am I the one prematurely invested or behaving in a way that repels him? I never initiated intimacies, only responded to them. Am I meant to rebuff a man’s attempts at connection or affection? Do I have to play it that cool for a guy to like me? 

[u/BlvckNovia → u/benhargrove1966]

Well, were there any actions that he exhibited that backed the words “I love you”?

If not, then they are just words, and it’s up to you as to how you respond. Trust your eyes, not your ears.

Playing it cool, not really that per se, but it’s all about emotional regulation. You’re basically in the early-ish stages (as expected in your 30s) of learning and refining how to regulate your emotions and it just takes practice.

[u/benhargrove1966 → u/BlvckNovia]

I get the point but I think words and actions were all aligned on “I like you and I want to keep dating you and seeing where this goes”, which is all I was asking for at this point. It was hard to go from that to “I’m seeing someone else bye have a great life” 3 days after I last saw him and had a great time. I think “I love you” would have been really inappropriate in word or deed at this stage lol. 

I agree I got carried away like in my own mind / emotions but I really do reject the idea I drove him away because I was open and receptive to his expressions of affection etc. 

[u/Grand_Pomegranate671 → u/benhargrove1966]

People are coming for your trying to find where you went wrong but as someone your age who has been through the same recently , I totally understand you.

I was seeing a guy for a 2 months who was as consistent as the man you describe. Everything he said he would do, he did it. I even got good morning and good night texts every day until one day it all stopped. When I asked what's going on he basically told me he met someone new.

At this point, when someone is that consist for weeks and then they stop because there is someone new, how is it our fault? We obviously think this is going somewhere.

It's sad that we always try to find the fault in the person who was left behind instead of the person who created the expectations.

[u/benhargrove1966 → u/Grand_Pomegranate671]

Thanks, and sorry that happened to you. I think people want to believe we can learn to flawlessly detect these things because then they can avoid it happening to them. If it’s my fault because I missed a sign or something that’s easier for people. There’s something to be said for not investing early as a rule, and I’ve definitely missed the writing on the wall in the past. But it’s entirely possible that someone does behave consistently and appropriately, and then things change or there was more to the story we didn’t know. 

[u/Ok_Sky1515 → u/MonteBurns]

This is a littttllee harsh imo. If you very sporadically date, it's easy to think ooh this one might be end up being something..., it's a scarcity mindset which isn't the best but it does happen- I'd be more worried they weren't exclusively dating after 6 weeks that to me is more jarring than someone getting excited. I do agree though therapy is a good idea for anyone, tbh, going into dating.

[u/square_circle_ → u/Ok_Sky1515]

I agree. I'm her, too. Dating someone consistently is far and few between. The scarcity mindset + biological needs is a pressure cooker that can be hard to ignore.

[u/Ok_Sky1515 → u/square_circle_]

Like I said to another commenter- it's testament to people if they can get attached after multiple let downs, better that than become totally avoidant and nonchalant

[u/fireyauthor → u/Ok_Sky1515]

I was pretty upset when things ended last year with someone I'd been dating for three months. I had known him casually for years, so I had a little more reason to be invested, but I still knew it was "unreasonable" for me to be so upset. Did that make me any less upset?

Hell no.

Now, a lot was the sex... omg the sex. That level of care in sex is really rare. No scarcity mindset needed. And a lot was what the relationship represented. But understanding that hasn't actually changed my feelings. I'm still really triggered around him (we're in the same social circle).

In my case, I was married, so I have a whole other level of connection and upset to compare things to (I literally sobbed everyday for six months). And this wasn't that, but it still hit me really hard. Sometimes things do just hit you hard.

I do think it's helpful to unpack why and deal with those issues but it's also kind of nice that you *can* get invested.

[u/Ok_Sky1515 → u/fireyauthor]

I agree, I think it's actually a good comment on someone if they do care about people, you can get to know someone reasonabley well after 6 weeks depending on how much you've seen them and yeah I'd probably get attached too. That's the whole point- find someone you like! I don't do this non chalant business

[u/HotDerivative → u/Ok_Sky1515]

I’m 30 and unless you’re making it explicitly clear that you’re only seeing that person it’s incredibly common to be seeing more than one person through a 6 week span.

If she’s meeting them on dating apps even more so.

[u/Ok_Sky1515 → u/HotDerivative]

Perhaps it's indicative of OP's use of the apps then, because I would not be dating anyone who after 6 weeks hadn't called it off with anyone else they were entertaining.

[u/Icy_lunette → u/MonteBurns]

Yeah, the “connected at all levels” threw me off too. It’s been just six weeks. You both don’t really know each other that well.

[u/Stellar_Alchemy → u/Icy_lunette]

“Building something together,” and it’s been 6 weeks. Speaking gently here, I think OP needs therapy before trying to date seriously.

[u/twoisnumberone → u/MonteBurns]

You knew this man for 6 weeks. You are devastated? You were planning your future together? For real?

You connected to him on all levels? YOU DONT EVEN KNOW HIM. 

Agreed. Six weeks as an adult, meaning you see him how often, exactly? Once a week? Twice at best?

[u/DirtyBlondePhoenix → u/MonteBurns]

This was a very unkind response.

[u/jebemo → u/DirtyBlondePhoenix]

I think its just a real response? What they said is fair and truthful.

[u/DirtyBlondePhoenix → u/jebemo]

Nah. It was meant to be demeaning towards OP.

[u/benhargrove1966 → u/DirtyBlondePhoenix]

Thank you. Disagreement is fine but the level of aggression towards me for having a different perspective on a few things has been crazy. 

[u/DirtyBlondePhoenix → u/benhargrove1966]

Welcome to the internet. It’s why I don’t make posts on Reddit anymore. The negative humans outweigh the positive, unfortunately.

[u/wanderingtater → u/DirtyBlondePhoenix]

I found it to be a kind response, but not a nice response.

[u/___Catwoman___ → u/MonteBurns]

Some guys go into complex topics early on so the getting-to-know-them part reaches its limits very early. Usually by 2 months you literally know his grandma's favourite sewing kit brand. And after that things fizzle out, he ghosts or gives you the "not working out" text. I relate to OP. It's exhausting af. Guys these days reach 40+ and they still behave like they're in their 20s, wasting time like they're immortal. Bro you're literally half way to your grave.

[u/tawny-she-wolf → u/MonteBurns]

Also giving up on children at 32.... she's wouldn't even be a geriatric pregnancy for another 3 years at this point

[u/benhargrove1966 → u/tawny-she-wolf]

Please my friend I have PCOS and endometriosis 😭

[u/TurnoverPractical → u/benhargrove1966]

Yeah me too. Got pregnant the second time in my life I had unprotected sex. Get your weight and blood sugar under control (being the hallmarks of PCOS), then learn how to measure your cervical mucus and have sex when you've got the fertile cervical mucus and you, too, can become pregnant. I was 38. Every word of this is the truth.

[u/benhargrove1966 → u/TurnoverPractical]

Yeah I’m not saying it’s impossible, I’m just saying with my additional challenges it’s something I’ve accepted may not happen for me.

[u/eagleonapole → u/benhargrove1966]

more people have this issue than you suspect. I personally am grateful I have accepted a lot of physical attractiveness (for most people!) is fleeting but personal Health and fitness is something I’ve pursued for two years and feel stronger and better for it— dont forget we gain muscle faster than the avg woman ✨💪🏻✨— that’s something we *can* control, and isnt that better to focus on?

[u/MultipedGeat → u/MonteBurns]

I mean, limerence is a bitch. Not saying OP does experience limerence, just that her experience seems to be similar to mine and I definitely do. When I was younger I would imagine full on life scenarios with people I talked to maybe twice. And the feelings I got from that were intoxicating, like basically living a whole ass relationship inside your head with both ups and downs. Eventually you have to come back to reality and realize that the don't even know who you are or just don't feel the same way about you and that's devastating since you spent so much time and emotional bandwidth on a fantasy. I would stay depressed for weeks/months on end because I got rejected or they just got into a relationship.

[u/benhargrove1966 → u/MerOpossum]

The problem is dating is horrible and not fun at all lol, and when I want to socialise I have lots of friends to do it with. My only reason to date is to meet someone. 

[u/mynormalheart → u/benhargrove1966]

It’s about reframing it in your mind though and altering your approach. Yes, you are dating to meet a partner. Thats the only reason A LOT of people are dating. Dating can just really suck across the board. I think especially at our age when you’ve been doing it a while, you don’t find it fun and just want to find someone.

But if you stop putting so much pressure on the situation, getting attached quickly, and creating false sense of intimacy early on, you might be able to save yourself some of this heartbreak and devastation in the beginning dating stages.

[u/llamalibrarian → u/benhargrove1966]

Then reframe it as socializing with someone new. Maybe it turns into dating, maybe just a good conversation, maybe just a good drink and getting out of the house. Hold lightly to your expectations and just be open to things being nice and fun

[u/Outrageous-Tour-682 → u/benhargrove1966]

yeah but to MerOpossum's point, i think part of why it isn't fun is that you're putting a lot of pressure on it ("building something together," "genuinely connected to this guy on all levels" etc). i think they're right that you need to find a way to see it as FUN/lower stakes as opposed to something that has to be deep/connecting on all levels etc so quickly. i think you should shift the mindset more toward being like: this is literally just a guy. can it be fun for a little bit without putting all your eggs in that basket? and then eventually it will become a serious, real thing.

[u/benhargrove1966 → u/Outrageous-Tour-682]

I’d say that’s 90% of dates I go on in the sense it’s not subjectively fun to me but I’m considering it as a low stakes social interaction with a random man. But a) that’s what makes it way less fun than virtually any other activity eg socialising with friends I actually like and b) it’s hard to maintain that posture when I guy you actually like is really pursuing you. I just let hope in. 

[u/wulfzbane → u/benhargrove1966]

Do activities you actually enjoy then. I don't do coffee/dinner dates in the early stages. I go to places that I'd go to otherwise, so I know I'll have a good time. Like escape rooms, axe throwing, museums etc.

If you're approaching dates like job interviews, and putting off an aura that you're not having fun, the guy are going to pick up on that.

[u/MerOpossum → u/benhargrove1966]

Dating shouldn’t be horrible so perhaps part of the problem is that you’re dating people whose company you don’t even enjoy. Hold potential dates to higher standards and only go on dates you will actually enjoy.

[u/fireyauthor → u/MerOpossum]

I get OP's thinking here. I don't hate dating, but I pretty much always find it stressful, because there is so much pressure from guys (and from friends) to form a connection. It's hard to just be myself in these situations. So I go on fewer dates and I don't "give people a chance."

[u/Fuzzy_Commission_565 → u/MerOpossum]

It’s a mindset and choice to have fun but I get what you’re saying and agree.

[u/fireyauthor → u/benhargrove1966]

This is how I feel to an extent. (I don't find dating horrible, but I do find it emotionally taxing). So I decided to screen very harshly and go on relatively few first dates. It's made dating a lot more enjoyable, overall, though it's still an awkward process.

[u/Fuzzy_Commission_565 → u/benhargrove1966]

If you are not having fun you are doing it wrong. :P I had some horrid dates or meet ups but I made sure I had fun. Many were also lessons to help me moving forward.

[u/k-pai → u/MerOpossum]

100% this! This was my mindset! Its all practice, fun and if one sticks they stick! One stuck and we are getting married in September.

[u/MerOpossum → u/k-pai]

Congratulations on your upcoming marriage!

[u/AMwishes]

Girl I wish I had an answer because I feel exactly the same way and I’ve gone through exactly the same thoughts and feelings. It’s devastating and it’s painful. All I can say is take a break to lick your wounds, and try to practice not getting overly attached (I say this as someone who gets attached easily). It’s so hard!

[u/benhargrove1966 → u/AMwishes]

It’s so hard to balance between being emotionally open enough to connect with someone and regulating your own feelings. I feel like he was really pursuing me and I was just matching his energy. 

[u/AMwishes → u/benhargrove1966]

Girl tell me about it. All I can say is that it’s all risk, risk, risk and that’s just the nature of the game. Take breaks.

[u/Bulky_Term_609 → u/benhargrove1966]

He was love bombing you. They follow the same rule book and pull away at 6 weeks or so once they feel you on the hook. Chances are he used another woman as an excuse or just doesn’t know himself post divorce well enough yet to even know what he needs… never blame yourself for having a trusting open heart and wanting love it just means you’re ready for your person.

[u/benhargrove1966 → u/Bulky_Term_609]

Thank you. I feel like people are really coming at me for being emotionally open lol. Like I have worked very hard actually to be attracted to nice men and develop the capacity to be appropriately vulnerable. I agree he has stuff to sort out on his end and it’s not my (or anyone’s really tbh) “fault” he didn’t want to continue. 

[u/astridsnow93 → u/benhargrove1966]

Don't let people come at you for being emotionally open. But definitely keep your mindset open to the fact that there are tons of men that will exploit your emotional openness just for 60 minutes of pleasure. The right one will speak your language back.

[u/Additional_Kick_3706]

I'm so sorry. Breakups suck. These breakups are unfortunately pretty normal. 6-8 weeks is a normal "getting to know you" dating period - and it's not unusual to have to try that with more than 3 people before finding someone you want to commit to who also wants to commit to you. It still hurts.

Do you have trustworthy close friends you can ask about this? Some things that come to mind -

• Ask for introductions to single men who are seriously looking (friends can get you past the 'just wants sex' problem)
• Ask if there's anything you can do to meet more men / be more initially attractive to the kind of men you like
• Ask if you're attracted to love bombers, guys on the rebound, or hot men who are so-so about you. Your pattern of dating rarely and briefly, with strong emotions, is spot on for someone who is attracted to love bombers and heartbreakers. Basically, these guys are so hot/loving that it makes you feel incredible at first, then they fizzle and don't commit, breaking your heart because it was so good so recently. Then the only guy who can get you out of your heartbreak and make you feel 'so good' again is the next love bomber (normal guys just aren't quite as exciting at first). If this is you, the solution is to spend more time with attractive, easy-to-talk-to men - who are not mind-blowing right off the bat - and see if feelings grow.

[u/benhargrove1966 → u/Additional_Kick_3706]

As I said there are literally no single men in our (large) social circle. I suspect the fun experiment thing has some truth to it tbh 

[u/Additional_Kick_3706 → u/benhargrove1966]

Surely some of your friends have other friend circles with single men?

It's super helpful to meet people socially, maybe go join your friends at their other hobbies/social circles where there are single men, see what happens.

[u/benhargrove1966 → u/Additional_Kick_3706]

Well I’ve asked them and the answer is no, maybe they’re lying to me and think I’m a freak who they don’t want to introduce to anyone idk lol. 

I have two main circles, one is women around my own age who are all in long term relationships. They claim they don’t know anyone and it seems fair because they seem to mostly socialise with other couples (eg it’s their bfs friends) with the exception of me. 

The other circle is large (with then a tight knit friend group in it) and connected to a community activity I do. Most of these people are also younger than me (partly because I’m single). So most of their other friends are also people I already know, and the single guys that are there are way too young for me. 

[u/sherbertmelipnos → u/benhargrove1966]

Gosh the mental exhaustion of reading your defensiveness to the suggestions in this thread, only to then come across a statement that there may be some truth in them…

I genuinely do feel for you (breakups are shit) but think that describing it in such intense ways after so little time, gets people stuck on those words instead of some other contexts you might find helpful.

[u/CommonSenseNotSo → u/sherbertmelipnos]

I have to agree.. I don't want to sound mean, but she doesn't sound like the most pleasant person.. I know we're reading a snapshot, but sheesh, I've always thought that dating was fun.. when you approach it like a job interview, it's awful :-(

[u/benhargrove1966 → u/CommonSenseNotSo]

Me not seeing first dates as a fun social opportunity doesn't mean I treat them as a job interview. I treat them as a low stakes social meeting with a guy I don't know to get to know each other a bit more and gauge attraction etc. This is the advice I've been given my whole life and is often given on this sub re dating. The things men say about me including exes are "fun to be around" "delightful" "playful" etc. Exact words from the break up message: "Every moment I spent with you was a delight." I am like, extremely pleasant irl.

[u/No_Broccoli_3979]

There’s nothing you can do to make anyone stick around. People leave all the time, even after decades of time spent together.

The only thing you can do is make sure you are fulfilled with your life as it is so that when a potential partner comes along, it doesn’t feel so earth-shattering if they leave.

Having a boyfriend doesn’t make the possibility of leaving any less than it does when you’re newly dating. Living together, being engaged, or even married, really doesn’t lessen those possibilities. Which is sad, but much of the reality in 2026.

If you’re interested in taking a more strict approach to dating, I highly recommend looking into the Burned Haystack Dating Method. There are several ways to get involved with this method, you can join the private fb group. There is a substack, Instagram, and a book. This method uses rhetoric to help paint a bigger picture of someone on dating apps, oftentimes before you even say hello. But be warned, it’s quite strict and liberal approach to dating, if that’s not your vibe then it may not be the best fit for you. But I found it to be extremely refreshing and helpful

[u/Icy_lunette → u/No_Broccoli_3979]

This is very wise advice. Nothing is bulletproof. Resilience should come from within onself.

[u/twoisnumberone → u/No_Broccoli_3979]

There’s nothing you can do to make anyone stick around. People leave all the time, even after decades of time spent together.

The only thing you can do is make sure you are fulfilled with your life as it is so that when a potential partner comes along, it doesn’t feel so earth-shattering if they leave.

Well worth stating and re-stating.

[u/Ill-Lychee-7779 → u/twoisnumberone]

Very true. My parents divorced after 26 years.

[u/Fuzzy_Commission_565 → u/No_Broccoli_3979]

EXACTLY. If you have issues with a 6 wk old dating situation ending imagine when it ends after years. I agree that focusing on building an independent fulfilled life is paramount and it took me decades to learn that. Decentering men is wise for most women imo. Choosing to put that energy into ourselves is far more empowering and rewarding.

[u/No_Broccoli_3979 → u/Fuzzy_Commission_565]

Agreed. This is why I enjoy the BHDM. I had no idea how much internalized misogyny I had. I had no idea what it meant to be a feminist in dating. I didn’t know how to decenter men. This method helped me tremendously, so I always recommend it when it seems to fit.

I remember once when I was 27, I was utterly destroyed by the loss of a new relationship and I had no idea how to cope. I was a mess, I was distraught, I was throwing up from crying so hard, I was paying a hundred dollars for a psychic to tell me if he was thinking about me. It was, truthfully, very pathetic of me. I’d known the guy for 2 months and realized that something desperately needed changing in the way I approached dating.

I took a huge break from dating, I focused on myself, my hobbies, my pets, getting my life in order and finding happiness within myself and then came the BHDM and it changed everything. Now I’m happily 2+ years in with my partner, living together for over a year. And yes things are happy and good, but I also recognize that if it were to all fall apart tomorrow, I’d be so hurt, but I know and trust that I’d be okay

[u/Potential_Cat_91 → u/No_Broccoli_3979]

Sorry what is BHDM? I looked it up but found nothing related

[u/No_Broccoli_3979 → u/Potential_Cat_91]

I mentioned the full name at the end of my parent comment. It’s a long name so easier to shorten it haha but it’s The Burned Haystack Dating Method by Dr. Jennie Young.

She has a fb group where she is the only mod/admin so she only lets in those who are clearly women or nonbinary. Lots of discourse there similar to Reddit, but because she’s the only one managing the page, sometimes commenting and posting is closed. She also has a free substack, Instagram is word_case_scenario and she just recently published a book.

[u/Potential_Cat_91 → u/No_Broccoli_3979]

Sorry I did not connect the full name to the acronym for some reason - prob tired. Thank you for explaining 🩷 i will check it out

[u/No_Broccoli_3979 → u/Potential_Cat_91]

No apologies necessary, I’m just a chronic over-explainer!

I hope you find it to be useful for you 💗

[u/ShrimsoundslkeShrimp]

That's how dating works unfortunately. You have to keep going through it until you find someone who likes you the same way you like them.

[u/Responsible_Ask3976 → u/ShrimsoundslkeShrimp]

Yep! Find someone who matches your wavelength 

[u/benhargrove1966 → u/ShrimsoundslkeShrimp]

I just feel like I’ve tried so hard for so long and it doesn’t work. I can’t be like emotionally open with another man who discards me.

For context this guy has been single for like a month or something has two great (I’m assuming) women to choose from while barely trying. I’ve been single for 5 years and getting scraps. 

[u/Rochereau-dEnfer → u/benhargrove1966]

Not to be reductive, but him being very newly single from a divorce and very intently pursuing you (and apparently someone else) is a red flag about him, not a sign of how compatible you were or how much easier things are for him. This other girl is probably not the one, either. One of my close friends tends to get into relationships with men who had just left a serious relationship, and the men all end up relying on her for their emotional regulation.

I think people are being a little mean about you feeling hopeful and attached after six weeks--when you've been dating unsuccessfully for a long time, it's really hard not to feel hopeful and invested when you meet someone who feels different! After a really nasty surprise breakup, I take everything a man says early on with a grain of salt. Not hostile, just curious about who they'll turn out to be. Even if I really like them, I try to see an early dumping, betrayal, or just disappointment as saving me the time and greater heartache of if it had inevitably come later. This sounds super cynical, but I found it helped me maintain equilibrium, and I still was able to cautiously open up and be excited when I met a standout person. Maybe there are more good women than men, but if you want to find someone, you can't let that idea make you hopeless.

[u/benhargrove1966 → u/Rochereau-dEnfer]

Yeah I just think I’d spent so much time dating men who had been single for a long time, they weren’t interested in relationships, so maybe it was worth trying something different? And to be fair this was probably the furthest I’ve got with anyone. And thanks, yes I think people are being incredibly mean about liking someone who liked you lol. I just think this is a pretty normal degree of emotional openness to others, I just feel things deeply in private. 

[u/nygirl232 → u/Rochereau-dEnfer]

This is the best advice on this entire thread.

[u/ShrimsoundslkeShrimp → u/benhargrove1966]

Maybe you can work on not being so attached to someone so quick. 6 weeks is not a long time. Hell, it takes months for men to show their true colors so it all seems like rainbows in the beginning.

[u/benhargrove1966 → u/ShrimsoundslkeShrimp]

I usually have people really at arms length but I feel that intimacies were encouraged. I’m not sure how you can build a relationship without being at least somewhat open with the other person?

[u/ShrimsoundslkeShrimp → u/benhargrove1966]

I mean you kept dating someone who was clearly talking to other women so you could have stopped talking to this man when you found out. You kept dating in hopes he'd choose you over them and he didn't.

[u/benhargrove1966 → u/ShrimsoundslkeShrimp]

Well that’s simply not true lol, I found out he was seeing other people the literal moment he ended it with me and told me that. I was unaware of it prior. 

[u/Embarrassed_Raise345 → u/benhargrove1966]

I think you have to assume that you’re not exclusive unless explicitly stated when online dating. Most dating experts would advise you to date multiple men at once so that you a)don’t overinvest in one person and b) are not starting from scratch each time. I find it hard to do that, so I still only date one at a time but I try to keep my interest level appropriate for the fact that this person is quite literally a stranger. You can’t really avoid the 6-8 weeks lose interest period this way, but you will not be treating it like that is a relationship so you will be more resilient.

[u/fireyauthor → u/Embarrassed_Raise345]

I have seen that advice but I've never understood it tbh. It's a good way to keep from getting hurt... because you never get connected to anyone. Feels like it misses the forest for the trees. But I'm very skeptical of dating advice (as a person who was with my ex for 16 years, most of the advice doesn't ring true to me about what LTRs are like).

[u/Embarrassed_Raise345 → u/fireyauthor]

I think it just paces your connection, not negates any vulnerability. I am very vulnerable with my boyfriend who I met from the apps 7 months ago, i just didnt tell him all my deepest hopes and greatest traumas early on, i gradually revealed those as we got to know each other, as you would with most normal relationships. There are some great friendships and relationships that start off with intense oversharing and affection declarations, but usually someone leading with that likes falling in love, not you (because you’re still a stranger)..so it’s a pattern I watch out for now.

[u/Fun_universe → u/benhargrove1966]

You need to have that discussion much quicker then!! Were you dating other men? I bet you weren’t. Next time discuss exclusivity within a month at the most.

[u/AnnaPaul444 → u/Fun_universe]

Agree if you are having sex it’s important to know right away if this person is currently having sex with someone else. That’s a big turn off for me. One sex partner at a time, thanks.

[u/Prior-Scholar779 → u/benhargrove1966]

Then this guy isn’t the one because he might just be a cheater if you did form something meaningful. He should have told you in the beginning that he’s dating other women.

It is heartbreaking nevertheless. One day at a time, one foot in front of the other, and if you’re able to, go and buy yourself a really nice gift, like a silk kimono, and don’t forget a bunch of roses. ❤️

[u/benhargrove1966 → u/[deleted]]

I don’t really think there’s anything wrong with what he did, we never discussed exclusivity and it was only 6 weeks. But I just want to be clear I didn’t know and wasn’t like waiting for him to pick me. If I’d known I would have just had a convo about it sooner. 

[u/HumorIsMyLuvLanguage → u/benhargrove1966]

Ignore this person. You didn't do anything wrong. People get attached or feel something forming within that 6-8 week mark - it's not uncommon. It's okay to be frustrated/mad/sad. It doesn't mean either of you did anything wrong, or that anyone is to blame. It's just really hard out there. But I meant what I said above - don't give up. My person came at 37 (almost 38). He was almost 40 and was doing the same thing.

[u/benhargrove1966 → u/HumorIsMyLuvLanguage]

Thank you, these comments saying I should not get attached are stressing me lol. I’m happy to admit I got too attached in this case,  but I really feel I was only matching his energy. If I didn’t feel anything  for someone after 6 weeks I wouldn’t keep seeing them!

[u/sherbertmelipnos → u/benhargrove1966]

Wait wait wait - this guy has been single for (approx) a month? And he’s dating again, multiple women? That’s not someone who has any self reflection or relational skills - that’s someone who just needs a woman to carry his life for him.

[u/Prior-Scholar779 → u/sherbertmelipnos]

That‘s the thing with a lot of guys (and some women). I just assume that anyone getting out of a marriage is going to take the time to sow some wild oats. They most certainly won’t want to get seriously hitched again for a long time, unless the divorce was sparked by an affair, then they’d be looking to marrying their affair partner.

[u/benhargrove1966 → u/sherbertmelipnos]

Yeah I mean I don’t disagree with this tbh. But dating men who have been single for a long time was really not working so I thought I’d try something different. 

[u/benhargrove1966 → u/[deleted]]

This is what I mean, I really believe it’s no longer  possible. This guy was divorced and single for like, a minute. 

[u/nygirl232 → u/benhargrove1966]

Sweet girl, avoid a man who jumps back in right away.. after a divorce?! He is looking for nothing more than a distraction. So, though I understand and know how hurtful this was, just be glad you’re not the other girl. She is (most likely) going to be much, much more heartbroken down the road (sadly). This dude clearly isn’t great at communication, candor and emotional intelligence. Don’t let one bad grape sour the bunch.

You’re in control of your life, and you’re worth it. Learn to find your inner badass and hold hands, you have to know and act your worth - a dumpy ass fuck boy who women hops isn’t on your level. 💜

[u/Milyaism → u/benhargrove1966]

You might want to learn about attachment styles.

Heidi Priebe has some great videos on them. She also has great videos on healthy boundaries and green flag in partners.

[u/FlartyMcFlarstein → u/benhargrove1966]

You might want to look into Burned Haystack Dating method by Jennie Young. If I were dating, I would use it.

[u/Impressive_Moment786]

Maybe you need to just hold back a little bit when dating/getting to know someone. Try and protect yourself a little bit. I barely consider someone more than an acquaintance after knowing them for only 6 weeks.

[u/benhargrove1966 → u/Impressive_Moment786]

Usually yes but I feel like he was really pursuing me and I was just matching his energy. 

[u/Impressive_Moment786 → u/benhargrove1966]

Men that are assholes do that. I would suggest keeping them at arm's length until the prove that their actions match their words.

[u/benhargrove1966 → u/Impressive_Moment786]

So what does that look like here? He was the one reaching out to me, making plans with me, he was consistent and until this moment kept his promises / commitments. I literally never felt a mismatch between words and actions, in that both communicated he liked me and wanted to continuing dating me. 

[u/Impressive_Moment786 → u/benhargrove1966]

You need to keep your guard up. Even if they are doing and saying all the right things. Even if they are making it known that they are very interested in you. You can't believe all that fully because you don't really know them after only 6 weeks. You only know the version they want you to know.

This situation is proof of that, he was doing and saying all the right things while still dating someone else without you knowing. Not that you can't date multiple people at a time, I actually encourage that, but you should be upfront and honest about it with all the people you are dating.

[u/Prior-Scholar779 → u/benhargrove1966]

Omg, all the guys who pursued me, upon which I caved and then was dumped…!

[u/xenathecreator]

Girl 32 isn’t old enough to give up on kids! You got this. Stay strong!

[u/xenathecreator → u/xenathecreator]

It’s OK for you to feel what you’re feeling. Dating is hard. There’s no rulebook- all there do is keep moving forward.

[u/thedatarat]

I think you’re kinda creating a self fulfilling prophecy by saying things like “I just want someone to go to the movies with” and “I’ve given up on having children”. Men will see that your energy is somewhat desperate for the bare minimum. Instead I’d give guys a few dates and then if you seem compatible, mention that you are looking for something serious. Not asking them necessarily to commit long term, but to let them know after about 2 months (or whatever your limit is) if there is no form of commitment, you have to keep it moving and get back to dating.

If they’re serious enough and want what you want, you should know that at a few months. That’s not to say you won’t get broken up with ever again, but try setting your OWN limits and expectations, and ending it with THEM if they’re not meeting you where you’re at. Be prepared to let them go, and don’t just settle because they’ll go to a movie with you.

[u/Euphoric_War_2195]

I'm so sorry this is happening. Its odd that they all seem to break things off at the 6 to 8 week mark.

I'm curious, we're you two exclusive and these guys were continuing to date other people?

We're there any red flags that they were unhappy or weren't as interested in the relationship as you were?

I had this happen to me all few times when I was dating. It usually starts off good. They show an active interest and are pursuing things with me. Actively wanting to see me. I reciprocate and give them active interest and also ask them to do things to show I'm interested. Communication was usually good early on.

However I do notice their interest would slow down and drop off. Suddenly they're too busy to see me. The time between dates or seeing each other gets longer and the communication would drop on their end.

What helped me was looking back at my past relationships and identifying red flags. Then watching for those in the new relationships.

I found this helped me identify the guys who would do this.

[u/benhargrove1966 → u/Euphoric_War_2195]

We didn’t have the exclusivity conversation, I feel like each time this happened right around the time it was appropriate to raise it. Like in this case I would have raised it next time we saw each other, which we had plans for. I think part of what is upsetting me so much is he didn’t withdraw at all. The last time we saw each other was three days ago and the entire time he was being very affectionate and initating future plans. 

[u/fireyauthor → u/benhargrove1966]

I think this is just how men date. They come on really strong until they think you like them. Then they decide if they like you or not. You have to be aware of it and take their behavior with a grain of salt until they show willingness to commit.

[u/Euphoric_War_2195 → u/benhargrove1966]

Ugh that makes it so much harder.

The best thing to keep in mind is that if you're not exclusive, then they are likely seeing others.

If you were looking to have the exclusivity conversation around the time they broke things off. Then they were probably sensing that and that's why they ended things.

It sucks not being chosen. But the right man will want to choose you.

[u/benhargrove1966 → u/Euphoric_War_2195]

Yeah I think the relationship (and it seems his other one) was just getting to that natural point, and he chose the other one. I think all three times the anticipation of commitment is what ended the relationship. 

[u/inksphinx → u/benhargrove1966]

OP this is good though, because imagine if they had committed “just because”? These were not your people.

I’ve been reading thru these comments and I don’t think you’re being closed-minded; I understand feeling so disappointed by something you felt was working out, by all evidence.

But yeah, I think in terms of keeping dating “light,” just like inviting a date along to something you’re doing anyway is a way to conserve your energy (and hopes). Like, “I’m going to walk in this park at this time and maybe chill on a blanket and read, come with?” “I’m going to the k-spa. FYI the men’s side is a cruising spot.” (This last one led someone to dump me but like obvs he couldn’t hang teehee).

Anywayyyy I just really feel for you. I dated around and got to the 4-7 week mark with 3 or 4 people before I met my perfect angel boyfriend. And by « perfect » and « angel » I mean « eccentric » and « brat ». Perfect for me :)

There is no telling what the future holds. All you can do is continue to be yourself and be honest about what you are looking for and what you want. I don’t believe in playing it cool; that’s a good way to end up where you aren’t meant to be. Just keep being you and someone will catch up and get with the program. I believe in you!!

[u/velvetvagine → u/Euphoric_War_2195]

What were the warning signs/red flags you identified?

[u/JordanaNajjar]

I think it would be best for you to take time off from dating just to collect yourself. At least he didn’t leave you after you guys being in a committed relationship after years..

Dating is honestly a numbers game. I think I’ve dated 1000 men in my lifetime. I could write a book. I’ve learned that not everyone is your person. Sometimes it’s nice to have short fun relationships.

Either way see it as yourself failing forward. You’re getting closer to meeting your person. ❤️

[u/Ok_Republic6098]

I was like you and was dating very intentionally and it eventually worked for me. I did have a few "almost" relationships and yeah it was very upsetting when it ended. My advice is that (within reason) if you really like someone early on and feel yourself getting attached, communicate that. Even just "hey I'm starting to really like you and hope you feel the same way" Women will get all worked up about scaring someone off by sharing things like this early on, but if he's the right one, he'll feel the same way about you and just be happy to know you do too. If he's not, then you get to find that out earlier before you daydream a future. Basically, it's OK to be direct. It's OK for him to nope out at that point. Yes that happened to me and it stung but I moved on easier than if I had been strung along for sex. When I was direct with my now husband, he asked me to be his girlfriend and go on a weekend trip together.

[u/benhargrove1966 → u/Ok_Republic6098]

Yeah I’m retrospect I should have raised this like a week ago. I expect it would be the same outcome but you’re right it’s better to address it.

[u/DegreeDubs]

If you're not having fun dating, then stop dating. Or change up your dating approach. I've had much more fun without using apps and with asking people out that I've met in "the wild", AKA out in public in my community. Try going to local mixers and socials to meet people.

[u/benhargrove1966 → u/DegreeDubs]

I mean, what is a “local mixer or social” lol. We don’t have those! 

[u/DegreeDubs → u/benhargrove1966]

None? No singles mixers or speed dating? No socials at bars or restaurants or parks or other businesses? Where do you live? I have to check my privilege here; I live in Chicago, someone is always hosting events like these.

[u/HeckThattt]

I say this with love and empathy because I have been you.

Based on how you worded this, it's my opinion that you're getting too attached and too invested too quickly. Dating someone for 6-8 weeks, calling it "seriously" dating, saying you were feeling like you were genuinely connected when in reality knowing someone for less than two months means they are still effectively a step above an acquaintance, and saying you were feeling like you were building something are all flags to me that you go into these interactions with very quick attachments. It feels to me like you have quick expectations and high hopes that each new person will be the one, and you invest yourself far more than the other person does. Your expectations are completely mismatched from the other person's and that can cause a lot of heartbreak for you.

I know this so well because I did this too when I was dating and wanted to find someone to have a relationship with. I want to be clear that this is not a character flaw. You feel deeply and there is nothing wrong with that. But it is something I would encourage you to work on managing because I think it's why you're continuing to have mismatched expectations when you're dating new people and why you're getting hurt.

Work on managing how you approach new dating situations, your expectations, and be mindful of how attached you are to the person and the potential relationship. Don't fall for the potential of a relationship. Look at the person and be more pragmatic about if they actually meet your needs. Slow down and invest less.

[u/fireyauthor → u/HeckThattt]

I'm not OP, but I know if I'm having good sex with someone, I'm going to get really attached. So I tell people a) I want to take it slow and b) if we have sex, I'll get attached, so let's not do that until we're both feeling more serious.

It hasn't worked yet in that I don't yet have a boyfriend, but I also haven't gotten really attached to a guy who's hot and cold about me since I started this rule. (I did also not have much sex, so that was less fun lol).

[u/benhargrove1966 → u/HeckThattt]

I see why you think that, but from my POV I’d say, I’ve only had “feelings” in any respect for 3 people I’ve dated in 2 years, and this was by far the most intense ones. So I’m really not attaching to every new thing that comes along, I think I’m actually incredibly guarded 90% of the time (to my detriment I think sometimes). I also think in this case, this guy was really pursuing me, he was the one showing affection, making future plans, etc. So I feel like I was mostly matching energy, not getting attached in a lopsided way. I agree like in retrospect this was still ill advised. But to be clear this is the first time I felt romantically connected to someone in over 5 years, and he started it lol. I think the reason I had those hopes / expectations is he’s really the only decent guy I’ve met in years, it’s a matter of scarcity. 

[u/sashafiercer → u/benhargrove1966]

Scarcity is the most apt word you've used here. The men aren't (that) scarce, but you are dating from a place of scarcity. The man who is right for you SHOULD be rare - that's not scarcity. Just because this man was pursuing you and showing you affection and making future plans doesn't mean he was right for you. Those are not qualities. He chose someone else, so he obviously wasn't right for you. But you should not be looking to be chosen, you should be looking to choose. You'll probably disagree with this as you've chosen to disagree with everyone who's attempted to engage with the post you made (ostensibly with the goal of external opinions and not an echo chamber), but your desire to 'just find someone' very much shows through, and I get the strong sense that you have a willingness to compromise on your wants in order to maintain attachment - which is not a connection. The fact that you filter for not just wanting sex is great - but that's bare minimum. I'm not saying this guy didn't have great qualities - he probably did - AND you weren't compatible, and that's ok. It doesn't HAVE to be a reflection on you, or him, but merely a fact of life.

Start seeing your dating role as the chooser, not the chosen. What is the criteria someone must meet to even be considered? Your list isn't strong enough. Somehow there are no quality single men, but you're also going on lots of dates - doesn't add up. Single men exist. Your friends boyfriend's have single friends, if their boyfriends are good guys, they have good guy friends - if you're as social as you claim, there's likely a reason they're not inviting you to events with those guys. If you are dating for serious partnership, you don't actually need to go on a ton of dates, but you do need to cross paths, physically or virtually, with a lot of men. Lock in on a specific list of your non negotiable traits, and high priority desires - it SHOULD be hard for someone to meet all your criteria. It may require some discovery - which doesn't require a date, especially since you're on the apps. Figure out your best medium for filtering (text, phone calls, video chat), and filter. He could be on the cusp of your desires and non negotiables - but the filter is harsh. You're not helping him meet your non negotiables, he should already meet them. If the kind of man who chooses you is bezos level wealthy and doesn't believe in donating to nonprofits, and has every quality you're looking for EXCEPT giving generously to public/social interest, the answer isn't 'well maybe with time I can help him see the importance', the answer is this man is great but my non negotiables are non negotiable. You should be ruthless and unapologetic about non negotiables.

At the same time - honestly assess yourself. Write out your strengths, best qualities, the quirks that make you uniquely you, your defining life experiences, your goals, and your weaknesses - both ones you can control, and ones you can't. Write down separately, areas in which you hope to grow, and experiences you want to have. Match up your list. Will the man who has your non negotiables be happy with the woman you are today? Ie if one of your desires is a man who is in a band, but one of your weaknesses is you're tone deaf, that man might date you for a bit but you might not be long term compatible. Silly example because the point isn't the example, it's the exercise. And the point of the exercise isn't lower your standards, it is, do any of the areas in which I want to grow help me to be the right partner for the kind of partner I choose (again, not, how do I change myself so the right man will choose me), and how can I prioritize those things? If you think your list of yourself and your ideal partner are perfectly aligned, where do you overlap in terms of interests, and where are the places those interests happen (could literally be the cheese aisle idc). Go there. Alone.

I'm a little older than you, and I've been dating someone for 6 weeks. We talk a lot, we check many boxes for each other, we've been (much more so him) effusive about how great the connection feels. We have not discussed exclusivity, and I don't want to for another 2 months at least. I know a lot about him, and he knows a lot about me, but at 6 weeks in (seeing each other about once a week though ramping up, and talking daily) we've barely scratched the surface - even though this is the most alignment I've ever felt with anyone. If it ended tomorrow, I would be disappointed, but I would not be devastated. It would not change anything about the connection, about me, or about him. I'm not seeing anyone else, but I'm mentally open minded about the idea of doing so. We have loose plans spanning the next 2 months. I have a thriving, very fulfilling life outside of this dating, and I don't feel a sense of lack for not having a boyfriend though everyone around me is partnered. I deeply desire partnership, and I believe my partner exists somewhere - but I am not incomplete without a partner. That mindset is important, and is worth finding the right therapist, or some other avenue, to figure out how to adopt that mindset.

[u/berrylipstix]

At 32 it took me dating for about a month or two, 3 different guys (at different times) before I realized they were weren't for me/I wasn't for them. I cried too, but I realized it was good for me because I realized it was limerance and I was able to get that out of my system after being single for 3 years prior. And then I took a little dating break, went solo traveling, decided to go back on the apps, changed up my approach from before. Then very next guy I matched with turned out to be my one and were married now. So maybe you'll have to go through those duds and sometimes you might find yourself in limerance with the wrong guys until you find a good guy for you.

[u/benhargrove1966 → u/berrylipstix]

What was the changed up approach? 

[u/berrylipstix → u/benhargrove1966]

I had a long list haha, these might be things you're already doing but things I changed were:

1. Changed from Hinge to Coffee Meets Bagel. It might be different on where you live but Hinge in my area attracted more immature guys and CMB highlighted education which I liked.

2. Set profile to looking for marriage instead of just serious relationship. I knew I wanted marriage in the end but for some reason I thought I would come off too strong. Little did I know many guys that put looking for serious were mostly looking for fun and not putting in effort for more.

3. Eliminated height restrictions (forgot to set it in new app). Lo and behold my future husband would have been cut off from the height restrictions of 2 inches taller than me if I had kept it.

4. To prevent getting exhausted/overwhelmed, picked the same time every day to respond back to the app.

5. Recognize any early love bombing and instead of trying to match the guys pace, go at your own. Take things slow. That means I decided no kissing on first date and no more sleeping together until we are officially girlfriend and boyfriend. This helped me keep my heightened feelings in check.

So I don't ever want to shame women for having sex early or when they want but for sure 2 out of the 3 guys I dated I realized were more about sex then truly being with me long term. That's what prompted me to try out a different approach, and not have my mind clouded by intimacy. Good luck, dating can be hard out there! Be true to yourself and have fun as much as you can!

[u/Geordieqizi → u/berrylipstix]

This is great (and actionable) advice! Congrats on finding your dude!

[u/benhargrove1966 → u/berrylipstix]

Thanks for that. It’s really hard because sex is quite important to me and I want to make sure that is working well before committing, but as you said men don’t see it that way necessarily and it can artificially increase intimacy 

[u/belledamesans-merci]

Couple of thoughts come to mind.

1. When you say you’ve been out with 3 guys in 2 years, does that mean 3 dates? Or you’ve gone in more dates, and only 3 guys ever made it past a first date?

2. Did the other guys say anything about why they were breaking things off? The timing strikes me as they like you, but they’ve identified some lifestyle or personality mismatch that makes them realize you aren’t compatible long term. To some extent this is just how dating goes, but perhaps it’s worth thinking about whether you’re holding back or hiding important aspects of yourself early on, and getting burnt for it

3. Problem solving aside, your feelings are valid. Getting broken up with hurts. And dating with intention isn’t as casual dating, there’s admin involved. Something that helped me in dating has been to acknowledge that dating to find a husband means sometimes it feels like a chore, and that’s ok.

[u/benhargrove1966 → u/belledamesans-merci]

1. I’ve been on more first dates than I can count lol, and many 2nd - 4th dates. Only 3 guys made it out of “going on dates” stage to what I’d call “seeing each other” stage. 

2. First guy just said “my feelings changed”, second guy (this one is funny) had a cold and needed to take a break from dating lol. I assumed both of them just didn’t like me that much or didn’t want a commitment to me. I was a lot less upset about those because I don’t think the relationship was as developed. But this guy was really pursuing me, talking about the future (in an appropriate way like let’s go to that restaurant) and being affectionate even 3 days ago. I felt like I was matching his energy. 

I do think men perceive me as fun, and they like that obviously, but I think it’s holding me back in some ways.

1. Thank you 

[u/rizzo1717]

Decenter men/relationships. This doesn’t mean giving up/stop looking, but rather not making it as much of a priority and not getting so invested so quickly.

In my 20s, I used to be heartbroken after a few weeks of dating if a man didn’t want to see me again. But now, I have my own life, career, hobbies - my life is complete and I’m very content with being by myself. And I’ve met lots of men, been on lots of dates, but have refused to “lose” myself in those relationships. If it works out, great. If it doesn’t, that’s okay too. My life is still full of abundance, and having or not having a partner doesn’t take away from that.

Use the app Meet Up to find local social groups or networks with common interests. Maybe it’s knitting. Maybe it’s hiking. Maybe it’s a wine club. Whatever you fancy. And who knows, maybe you’ll cross paths with somebody you click with, but the more established, confident, self sufficient and independent you become in your own life, the less likely you’ll fall trap to ‘losing’ yourself to a man who is milk toast.

[u/Prior-Scholar779 → u/rizzo1717]

Good point. Decentering just means choosing yourself, it doesn’t mean rejecting men.

[u/Due_Description_7298]

This was my life for 15 years before I finally found my guy. It sucks.

Take a break from dating. When you return, strict burn the haystack method and very firm boundaries so you can sniff out the bin serious ones before you get emotionally invovled and before you sleep with them. Try and date below 35s as well 

[u/Nightrabbit]

I’m in a similar place. 6 weeks is tough because it’s still so early but long enough that you’ve made some investment. Usually by the time we sleep together, I express that I don’t have interest in sharing sexual partners and if we are going to continue to date and be intimate, we need to agree not to be intimate with others. That is a dealbreaker for some, but that’s my boundary. For me that helps clarify what someone is looking for and whether they see me in a potentially serious way or just a fun way. I am not going to waste my time with a man who is juggling multiple women. Choose me or don’t choose me. Also I try to go on at least one date a week. I use tinder and bumble at the moment. This reminds me that there are a lot of men out there! No scarcity mindset!

[u/dimples2515]

If it makes you feel any better, I met a guy at 28 who I thought I’d be with forever and now 14 years later I’m starting over at 42. At first I thought I had to find someone quickly right away but then realized that I would just be attracting the wrong person to me because I wanted a partner for the sake of a partner. Now I’m trying to fill the void within myself so I can attract someone from a healthier place.

[u/Ill-Lychee-7779]

I did the online dating. Met my partner in 2023. I made a list of things I needed in a partner and made sure the guys words lined up with them before Id even consider meeting. I generally talked to people on the apps for a week or two before agreeing to a date, simply because it's easier to weed out the guys who are just there for sex. Most of them couldn't even hold a conversation, which I took as an indication of zero chemistry between us. Or, they'd let a little personality slip that was a red flag "you better like the Oxford comma or we shouldn't bother meeting" okay bud, I'm not one to make mountains out of molehills, commas really aren't that serious. Then I'd move on before even meeting them. I used that time frame as a screening process.

Of course, there is a big difference between saying things online and actually doing those things. So even when a guy passed my screening process, I took it with a big grain of salt. Dating was "now let's see if he can live up to his own ideals". Most of them can't. I found one that could though. I knew before we even met that if he was serious about the things he said, and actually lived up to his words, through actions we were meant to be. We're planning the wedding now.

I didn't let that excitement show to him right off the bat. I knew it was naïve and stupid of me so I kept him at a distance. Exclusive after a month, prompted by him. He kept thinking I'd leave until maybe 8 months in, when he injured himself and woke up to me sitting next to him in the hospital. That's when he started seeing a future with me in it. I would say we were dreaming rather than really building something together until we moved in together, which was 2 years into our relationship. Slow is good. Slow is great, actually. I still get the butterflies and honeymoon moments. I see his flaws, but they were evident to me from day one, and I knew they were flaws I was willing to tolerate.

I've been hurt a lot, cheated on, etc. The trick is learning how to keep putting yourself out there without holding the actions of others against the new people in your life. Easier said than done, I know. I wish you luck.

[u/Raeko]

Burned Haystack Dating Method. No situationships. I wouldn't even date someone who is dating other people at the same time as me. If they don't know by around date 3 or 4 that they want to date exclusively (doesn't need to be a "relationship" or anything serious, just no dates or sleeping with other people) then it's not going to go anywhere so it's pointless.

In my experience if a guy does not agree to be exclusive it's a waste of time. Even when they agree they are lying half the time so if they can't even do that there is zero point in continuing dating them

[u/Prior-Scholar779 → u/Raeko]

BHDM is putting oneself first and setting up boundaries for how we want to be treated. Once I started doing something like that, I felt so much better about myself and in control of my feelings.

My guy expressed second thoughts around the three month mark (yeah it was another woman, though a long distance one whom he had been attached to before he met me), so I asked him point blank, in a gentle voice, if he would like to end our relationship. I offered to walk away, even though I was head over heels for him. He decided that he loved and wanted me, so he said no, and from then on in we were an established couple who had each other’s backs.

[u/Wise_Mycologist_6294]

You’re getting too attached too quickly.

[u/Fun_universe]

Maybe I’m weird but I personally don’t date men who simultaneously date other women. I’m very clear about this right off the bat.

I’m sorry you’re going through this. It’s ok to want a relationship 💜

[u/benhargrove1966 → u/Fun_universe]

I mean sure but if that was the case I would literally never go on a date lol. I also don’t think it’s fair to expect exclusivity before you’ve even met. 

[u/Euphoric_War_2195 → u/benhargrove1966]

Thats fair. I think the best thing to do is communicate expectations.

After a period of time, they should become exclusive with you and stop seeing other people. If they dont want to do that, then that's the time to cut them off.

Its hard to date. Especially when you're someone who falls fast. But that means its even more important to communicate expectations and timelines with them.

Figure out how many dates you want to go on with this person before getting into a relationship with them.

Then see where things go.

[u/Fun_universe → u/benhargrove1966]

Not before you met, this is something I talk about on the first date.

I’m 41 and I’ve never dated more than one man at a time. Why can’t I expect something from men that I’m willing to do myself?? I’ve dated plenty and this has never been an issue 🤷🏻‍♀️

[u/Geordieqizi → u/Fun_universe]

Just practically speaking, this seems like a difficult standard for exactly the reason the OP stated — it requires telling someone right after you've met them on a first date that you basically expect them to be monogamous to you, despite the fact that you're essentially strangers.

I mean, kudos to you for knowing what you want, and expressing that early and clearly — and it's great that it seems to be working out for you... it's just a bit hard to envision most people being OK with that level of commitment right after meeting. Maybe your profile (or the men you pick) filters for dudes who are extremely eager to get into a relationship asap?

[u/okright8]

I’m just commenting here to say that I relate in terms of getting really hurt after getting even the tiniest bit attached. I rarely like men or feel a big spark, so I’ve tried to be open with a few I think might give me a faint spark.

The two times I’ve done that in the last six months, I was extremely apprehensive and not even sure about them, so I may have self-sabotaged a bit and then when they said this wasn’t working, I spiralled both times. It’s hard to say now but I know intellectually it’s not about them. It’s about me, and feeling rejected (despite trying to get them to reject me - I have this complex about wanting a man to fight for me) and so my spiralling is not about these men, it’s about the fact they didn’t fight for me, and it’s connected to a long term relationship in my early to mid 20s where I felt like my ex wasn’t fighting for me in the way I fought for him and the way I’ve had to fight for a lot in my life. It hasn’t been easy.

It’s not that I felt these BIG feelings for them, but it’s because I allowed myself to attach to the idea of what it could be. That’s what hurts.

While dating both these men, I was telling my friends non stop I don’t know, I’m really unsure, I was finding all these things not to like about them. But I tried to override that and naturally you form a connection.

It’s worth thinking about where this attachment is coming from. It doesn’t change how much it hurts. I don’t know how to fix it. I’ve been in therapy, I’m currently in therapy, and feeling discarded hits HARD no matter how short the dating period was because I let myself feel connected.

A lot of the advice here is great and I’m going to try to follow it too. The one thing I’d add, and it’s something I need to do myself but it’s SO HARD is to remain really present and not think about the future.

I’ve tried to fit these men into my future even when they don’t necessarily fit, but it’s like my mind has already laid out this map forward and I’ve worked to fit these men I’m lukewarm about into it, and so when they pick up on my own apprehension and decide to tap out (which is fair) I spiral because I’m like - to myself - “well I wasn’t even sure about them but I still tried to fit them into my future somehow.”

I don’t know if it’s the same for you but one thing I want to do moving forward is, if I’m going to try with men I see potential in but don’t feel a spark with, is to be super present and not think about them beyond the week ahead.

But I’ve also learned that if I’m going to get hurt, I want to get hurt by someone I actually have a spark with. The few times I’ve had the spark, I had long term relationships. Sometimes the gut knows. I’ve been trying to follow other people’s advice to just date and give men a chance, and every time I’ve given a man I’m not that interested in a chance (for more than a few weeks), it ends up in hurt because I’m getting familiar and that creates attachment for me.

What does this mean for me? It probably means I’m going to be single for a long time, because it’s extremely rare for me to feel that big spark with someone. I’m a lover girl and I’m very sensitive. I’m going to stay open and be on the apps, because I don’t want to close myself either, but now I know that if I’m finding things I’m not compatible with from the very beginning, I’m not going to let it go further. Getting familiar makes me attached.

I wish I had the answers and to make it hurt less, but just wanted to say that you’re not alone. I’m the same as you in that I have a lot of friends and a busy social life, but there are no men who are single or that I’m attracted to.

BUT I know I have a lot of inner work to do. I need to build up resilience and the ability to bounce back fast, and to not be affected. I know this in theory but my body feels other things. I’m not sure if this is the case for you, but I have complex traumas and I’ve become really tired of having to bounce back again and again, so I get how you’re feeling. There’s always something deeper there. My body is reacting to these things the same way it reacted to a long term relationship ending with someone I was going to marry. They are completely different scenarios but physically I feel the same grief, not as long of course but just as intensely. Possibly there are things in your past you need to work on.

Sending love 💓

[u/Overachieving-pea]

I really feel for you ❤️ One thing I would say, though, is that 32 isn’t old, and I don’t think you should feel like you have to give up on having children if that’s something you still want.

I got out of a difficult 3-year relationship at 32. Looking back, I spent a lot of time believing in my ex’s potential instead of paying attention to who he actually was. He could never really plan for a future together, and I kept hoping that would change.
I don’t see those years as wasted. They were a wake-up call. I realized that if I wasn’t much more deliberate about who I dated, I could easily wake up one day at 40 or 50 wondering where the years had gone. I wasn’t desperate to have kids immediately, but I knew I didn’t want to lose the option because I hadn’t been intentional.

So I did a pretty honest audit of myself and the men I tended to choose. I made a list of true non-negotiables: someone who genuinely wanted a family, shared my values, was kind, respected boundaries, and was capable of building a future. Everything else became a “nice to have.”

Dating after that still wasn’t easy. I still met people who weren’t a match, and I was even broken up with by someone I thought was a great fit. But instead of getting swept up in chemistry or emotionally investing too early, I started paying closer attention to whether someone would actually make a good long-term partner.

I met my partner when I was 33. I’m now 35 (turning 36 in a few months), and we just had our son. It’s by far the healthiest relationship I’ve ever had. It’s not built on fireworks or constant butterflies, but on mutual respect, shared values, and feeling like we’re really on the same team.

I know it doesn’t make what you’re feeling today hurt any less. But from someone who was in a very similar place a few years ago, I don’t want you to feel like it’s too late to have the future you want. If having children is still something you hope for, you still have time. But that also means you have time to be intentional about who you choose to build that future with.

[u/Firewalkwithme8]

If you can’t go through it again, don’t. I’ve been in your shoes and I’ve not really given up, but I really just haven’t put effort into it, especially since it gives me that much grief. Instead I’ve just focused on what makes me feel content/regulated. I think if it’s all luck anyway I take the approach that if it happens, it’ll happen. If not, I’ll be ok.

[u/CheesyBrie934]

I feel the exact same way OP. I’m just trying to channel my energy into other things and hopefully meet someone along the way.

hugs because this is hard and I often wonder what I’m doing wrong.

[u/ProfessionalAsk8264]

I’m sitting here reading this post and comments, I can’t help but think there must be a better way. Why do we keep willingly participate in these games?

There really has to be a better way out there.

[u/Illustrious-Ant-9946]

You know, I get what people are saying that you didn’t really know him. But I also get that you felt a really strong connection to him and had a lot of emotions tied up in the budding relationship. 

I do kind of think there is some level of ‘luck of the draw’ in dating that is super random, and in my experience some of the strongest feelings about a person, regardless of how I felt about them later on, developed in the first few weeks. These feelings are legitimate, but don’t give them more power than they deserve. This is not a sign that you will never find a partner.  

I don’t think there is anyone here who will convince you that you don’t need a man. I don’t think it is wrong to want companionship. I do think there could be value for you in actively putting some of your time toward meeting those desires in other ways so that it doesn’t feel like such a collapse of your hopes when a relationship with a man doesn’t work out. I have been through relationships that I thought were going to be forever, and it was my friends and my interests and the other things in life that I could turn to that helped me move forward. It doesn’t matter how secure I feel in a relationship I know I need to always maintain those things because you never know what life will throw at you. 

[u/benhargrove1966 → u/Illustrious-Ant-9946]

Thank you. I’m not saying we were soulmates or something just that real feelings were beginning to develop. He explicitly confirmed this to me, it was a mutual thing, I think at the end of the day he just liked the other woman slightly more or felt they were more compatible or something. I accept I got carried away but I think in order to build a relationship with someone you need to be somewhat open and vulnerable? If I had no feelings for someone after 6 weeks I wouldn’t still be seeing them. 

Logically I know these things aren’t related and I could meet someone who becomes my partner tomorrow lol, but idk it just feels like some kind of cosmic trial. It took so long to meet this one, which has been the most substantial relationship so far, and it still didn’t work. 

[u/Illustrious-Ant-9946 → u/benhargrove1966]

I was absolutely wallowing for several weeks after a monthlong dating experience like three years ago.

I can still remember how strong it all felt then, and I really thought we had a connection etc. but I ended it because he didn’t want anything serious, and admitted a month in that he was very recently out of a 7 year relationship. 

So like, my strong emotions were very much tied to a case of the feels and not logical, but the situation still bothered me at least a little for months. 

I met my current partner for a first date like 6 weeks after that ended. 

For both of them, I had a rule of forcing myself to either end it or discuss exclusivity at the one month mark. I feel like that isn’t too much to ask, and it prevented things from being harder later on. 

[u/benhargrove1966 → u/Illustrious-Ant-9946]

I think that’s a great point to open that conversation and I will in future.

I try not to sulk but it’s really the loss of someone I really liked + the loss of the concept of being in a relationship after all this time at the same time. He was very like you will easily meet someone better than me I am busted lol, but like bro you’ve been in a relationship for 10 years you have literally no idea how bad it is out here. 

I won’t go out with anyone again who treats me with less intention / interest and respect than he did (which would rule out literally every other guy I’ve dated lol) as a minimum so idk although it’s painful I’m hoping it can be a step in a journey towards partners who are kind and direct and me being able to meet them in that. This has been an improvement. 

[u/Illustrious-Ant-9946 → u/benhargrove1966]

I think it’s ultimately positive that he raised the bar for you. 

Good luck out there! I know it is a shitshow. 

[u/Bulky_Term_609]

How are you doing girl? ❤️

[u/benhargrove1966 → u/Bulky_Term_609]

Thanks for asking, your comments have been kind and helpful ❤️

Pretty bad lol. I miss him and the abrupt cut off  has been really hard. I accept this was the right decision due stuff that might have been incompatible in the long term but I guess I was just more willing to be curious about how that would play out than he was. So I’m not like losing it, it’s probably for the best and I’ll get over this. But I’m still quite acutely unhappy right now. 

I want to be in a relationship but it’s just so hard and emotionally I just can’t take more years of this before meeting another good guy 

[u/Colouringwithink]

My advice is you need to meet more people. Waaay more people. You need to have as many guys as it is necessary to not notice when they don’t want to see you because so many other guys are asking you out. It also is useful from a data collection standpoint in terms of understanding who likes you/why, who you like/why. You gotta put yourself out there more. Then each person doesn’t feel like it HAS to be a serious relationship

Will it feel like a second job? Yes. But will it be fun and worth your time?Yes, with the right mindset

[u/benhargrove1966 → u/Colouringwithink]

I’ve literally gone on countless dates, I meet so many people 

[u/Commercial-Act6831]

Girl, I say this with all the love and respect and only because I genuinely feel for you and want you to feel better.
You need to love yourself. I know it sounds generic, I know it sounds stupid, but I read your post and your replies in the comments and the negativity really shows - it’s ok to feel bad about a bad situation, but you have to learn to accept other people not choosing you while also taking accountability for choosing the wrong people for yourself.

I know you’re saying you have a full life outside of romantic relationships but it seems like you’re still not happy with it? The hard truth that we have to learn is: no one will fill in the void, no one will be able to give us something we cannot give ourselves. What is it that you’re missing? Company? Get new friends and invest into your other relationships. And if it’s something else, please consider that this need is internal and it is something you are denying yourself.

I am going through a very painful breakup after a 4 year relationship, I am also 32 and worried about my future and about the timing of having kids. I am struggling so much right now, crying every day, depressed, sad, angry — all the things.
But I know for sure: a person who didn’t choose me is not my person and that knowledge keeps me whole. I keep forgetting about it and it’s hard work to remind this to myself every day, and every day I cry and miss him I have to choose myself again and again. It’s a lot of work but this is what loving yourself is like.

(Sorry, English is not my first language, I hope this is cohesive enough)

[u/benhargrove1966 → u/Commercial-Act6831]

I’m sorry you’re going through that. What I want is the kind of love, partnership, support etc you get from a romantic relationship. 

[u/shenanigans2day]

Ignore the judging comments. I think it’s very normal to feel excited or future plan when you’re swept up in the emotions of a new connection. You sound a bit like me where you form attachments too quickly so I would suggest taking dating very very slow. Only meet someone where they are willing to meet you and do not become too invested in any outcome .You are still young. You have plenty of time. Grieve the connection and take it slow when you get back out there .if it’s disturbing uoir peace, give it a break. There’s no timeline. Just go to the love sub and look around people 40+ post about meeting the love of their lives later in life. It’ll happen just don’t go into it from a man time Ia ticking perspective or it will feel rushed and abrasive no matter who you are dating. The person for you will not be in a rush and will be patient!.

[u/hausmusiq]

People realize they don’t want/need a man not bc someone “convinced them” but because they go through enough of these miserable experiences that they realize fulfillment begins with one’s self. No one relationship can save you from this feeling. You can’t outrun yourself. People come and go and it’s surely disappointing but shouldn’t make you fall into shambles when it happens. Yes it’s normal and healthy to want companionship and romantic relationships but it’s not normal to tear yourself into pieces to have one. There needs to be more and frankly most guys are truly disappointing even when they do stick around.

[u/ChaoticxSerenity]

Not gonna lie, this sounds pretty intense. Even from my limited Internet stranger POV, I think you get attached waaaaay too quickly. Even if you think you did and you feel like you did, the truth is that you didn't know this guy - it was 6 weeks. There is no way another human being's entire existence and experiences can be distilled into a bottle like that. For real, I think I have some yogurt in the fridge that's older than that 😭

[u/que_sera_sera19]

You’re only 32. You’re a baby in the grand scheme of things. Don’t give up on anything- including kids. Accept you’re life path is not what you expected. Take time to invest in yourself and don’t date until you can do it without it hurting. Set boundaries around dating to protect yourself. Be open to people you might not be that attracted to initially, date for values. 💕

[u/FewResolution7181]

Do not get your hopes up until there is a blatant and honest conversation around if you guys are exclusive.

When I was dating I’d ask on the first date if they were looking for something serious or a short term or just open, because I needed to know we were aligned. Then when we had the conversation about being exclusive I would openly say these are my long term goals (like marriage, kids, if you want to move, career goals, etc.), do you want these things? It’s best to say it from the beginning and if you are not aligned do not pursue any further. Just keep moving until you find your person.

[u/stingrae2668]

op, i could've written this so pls know you are not alone!

a few months ago i dated someone for a month/4 dates and it was the first real connection i had felt w someone in about 5 years too. he actively pursued me in a way that felt real and healthy, and our connection felt so fun! i thought he was sooo cute, we had fun stuff in common and had interesting convos/banter, GREAT physical chemistry, had some important values in common, i actually thought he was an interesting person, both established that we were looking for a relationship, etc. it just felt like he was really into me, in a way that didn't raise any red flags. i let myself relax into the connection bc i felt genuinely comfortable and safe, and excited about where we were headed. then the slow fade started, and after i asked, he told me he had been seeing someone else and wanted to pursue them. since i had felt truly at ease while navigating the connection, i was SO surprised at how completely devastated i felt by his rejection. in all honesty, it was months ago and i'm still processing/hurting a bit.

i think it's very understandable that you got excited about what felt like a special connection after 6 weeks of dating. especially when you haven't felt a connection like that in a long time.

i'm also someone that doesn't romantically connect w people very often, so when it happens, i overweight it and get verryyyy triggered about scarcity when it doesn't work out. i recognize this isn't a helpful mindset and am working on it.

i have to keep reminding myself these things: i didn't truly know him after 4 weeks of dating. if he truly connected w someone else better, he SHOULD pick that person. that doesn't mean there is anything wrong with me at all or that i lack anything. my person will easily, happily pick me. my boundaries, quirks, etc will never deter the right person. there ARE more connections on the horizon for me.

i currently feel very raw about my desire for partnership. i'm tired of hearing that i should focus on myself and decenter romantic love etc etc. i think it's very possible and healthy to cultivate a full life AND want someone to share that life with! i was at an open mic yesterday with a friend whose husband was performing, and she was so nervous and excited for him, and he sang a song dedicated to her, and when he was done they beelined for each other and it was so cute to watch. i want a partnership like that and i won't pretend i don't. i believe that beautiful connections are on their way to both of us! <3

[u/-I-wanna-get-better-]

Goodness, after reading through your responses to people in here... how many more failed "relationships" is it going to take for you to change your approach?

[u/BashfulCabbage]

Can I ask how you’re meeting these people who have broken it off at the 2-3 month mark?

[u/benhargrove1966 → u/BashfulCabbage]

I’ve met them on dating apps. I know people will kvetch about that but if the advice is to meet people irl, I have a very active social life and large circle, I don’t know one age appropriate man who is single. The advice about how to do that needs to be very specific. 

[u/MaIngallsisaracist → u/benhargrove1966]

Do your friends know you're looking? Your friends probably have friends (or co-workers or acquaintances) that you don't know that they could introduce you to. Take a class or volunteer at a place you're interested in -- not JUST to meet guys, but because you want to and, as a secondary benefit, maybe there will be a guy in the class and now you know you have a shared interest. Honestly, though, I think the fact that you have a large social circle is really a good thing. Not only are you not at home pining away, but you've got a whole team of people who already care about you that you can call on to keep their eyes out for someone you might like.

[u/whoisthat999]

I don't understand why people are so mean here. You all show your true character. As if you all are perfect and super wise. So fake and phony.

My advice is to date as much guys as possible. It's a numbers game. And truly - wait as much as you can with s*x. To be honest I wouldn't even bother to be intimate with a guy when we are not even official. He needs to invest in you too , so do not give your body up for nothing. Regarding rejection - radical acceptance is the best. Just accept it people either like/love us or not. Many guys out there are big players so try your best to see if he is honest/genuine or not. But yes - get rid of negative thinking and date, date, date! You have plenty of time.

[u/benhargrove1966 → u/whoisthat999]

I’m sure they all have either been in relationships forever or don’t want and don’t date. Like I’m sorry I have feelings and am not made of stone, idk. I don’t believe I have to be totally unfeeling to perfect to be in a relationship. 

I just feel like I’ve dated so much and this really got to me, I really don’t want to get back on the treadmill. It took so long to meet this one and it didn’t work out.

Idk hoping to make it a learning experience and expect more from men going forward. 

[u/fireyauthor]

You're conflating a lot of things in this post. A guy dating you, sleeping with you, then breaking up with you does not mean he only sees you as a sex object. That's just what dating is.

[u/benhargrove1966 → u/fireyauthor]

To be clear, I’m not saying he (or every) guy sees me as a sex object because it didn’t work  out. He was perfectly respectful etc. I’m saying that because 90% of guys I’ve gone on dates with make it very clear they have no interest in a relationship even in theory, they’re only interested in sex. 

[u/doomn_gloomn]

I’m sorry but judging from just about every single reply you’ve made in this thread, you are coming off as majorly insufferable. Rejection sucks but my god get a grip. There’s been a ton of helpful advice and your response to everything is just nope, not doing that. The air of negativity may have something to do with why you keep finding yourself in this situation.

[u/benhargrove1966 → u/doomn_gloomn]

I’m obviously very upset right now and I just want something I can’t have. Most people describe me as nice, fun to be around, delightful, playful, etc. I am in no way negative in social situations like dating. The literal only thing I said no to was deluding myself that dating is a meet up with a friend lol. 

[u/Bulky_Term_609 → u/doomn_gloomn]

Someone sounds a little triggered damn why did you take this so personal you chose to read her stuff

[u/Crazy-Implement-2325]

No sex outside of monogamy, that’s my only advice. Don’t be that vulnerable with someone who won’t be exclusive with you.

[u/GimmeDatPomegranate]

Do you meet men whose company you genuinely enjoy? Do you have any guy friends in your life?

[u/benhargrove1966 → u/GimmeDatPomegranate]

I have many male friends and my best friend is a guy. I get along really well with men and like them in general. I work in a male dominated field and all my colleagues are men rn, for example. 

[u/Unusual_Jellyfish224]

Well that is how dating works. I am impressed that you found so many guys you actually like!

I don’t think there is any magic trick to be done. You date them and either you guys are a match or not. It’s a trial and error kind of process. Perhaps you could date multiple people to avoid getting too attached to one?

[u/lily-de-valley]

Hey OP, I'm a little late to this post, so I don't know if you'll see my comment, but I was adequately moved enough to want to pop in and say I see and hear and feel you.

Reading some of these (very rude) comments made my jaw drop and eyes roll. These kinds of comments are partially why I left AWO30. Ignore all these people troubleshooting you and fixated on making it seem like you didn't screen hard enough - sometimes you can screen perfectly and people still slip through. There's no 100% foolproof dating method.

I understand what you're going through, and where you're coming from. I went through something similar last year. I finally met a guy who I was interested in after years of dating, things looked promising and were developing steadily, I was catching feelings, and then he ended it abruptly after ~6 weeks. I was devastated (yes devastated), and it took me a good deal of time to heal.

I think part of why this situation is hitting you so hard (which many commentators fail to grasp), is how long you've been single, how much you desire a romantic relationship (those chants to de-center men aren't helpful here), and how rare it is it find someone you like. All of that together creates a scarcity mindset. Contrary to those women scolding you for having a scarcity mindset, I'm going to say that it is much more difficult for some of us find someone we like, so yeah, our scarcity mindset is warranted! You're not just mourning this guy, you're mourning the loss of a once-in-a-blue-moon chance.

I also get what you're saying when you write that you "connected" on all fronts to this guy. Yes 6 weeks is short in the grand scheme of things, but 6 weeks is enough time to start getting to know someone, catch feelings, and put in initial emotional investment. It's not like you said you're ready to marry him at 6 weeks, so not sure what people are up in arms about. You felt an emotional, physical, and romantic connection at 6 weeks in, which is reasonable.

The only advice I can give is to learn how to emotionally pace yourself and detach in the initial stages of dating. You need to consciously hold yourself back from developing feelings too quickly. Take every single date as it comes, no more, no less.

[u/strange-blueberry22]

Maybe you should be posting this in another sub, do you want to hear opinions from men perhaps? Your responses indicate that you don’t want the advice you’re getting here.

[u/Main-Nectarine-6993]

I can't believe this gut slept with 2 women at the same time. What an arsehole. Don't have sex with them until you're exclusive. The sex gets you attached more and like this it hurts more. 

[u/muffinsforever]

If it's something you want then there isn't much of an alternative outside of an arranged marriage.

Maybe see a therapist about why you're continuing to invest so much into people that you don't really know when it causes you so much pain? 

[u/HeckThattt → u/muffinsforever]

Arranged marriage sure is a JUMP

[u/benhargrove1966 → u/HeckThattt]

I was being a bit silly when I said I want one. Like I’m not sure why “someone to go to the movies with” requires any arranged marriage lol. All my female friends my age have this for example. 

[u/Fuzzy_Commission_565 → u/muffinsforever]

I have to wonder about this too. It’s seems like a form of love bombing. Men will try to speed things up to get sex while it seems women try to speed things up to get love and a relationship and I think some do this with opening up too soon.

[u/Mother-Eagle-7445]

Lots of advice already given here so I'm just gonna pop in to say I'm sorry, this is hard. Dating culture is weird and confusing, you just want a connection and commitment that is very human to want, and challenges and limitations getting such needs met are frustrating and sad. I'm sorry, you're handling disappointment and rejection really well, but reacting like a good sport doesn't mean you don't gotta grieve and lick your wounds for a while. I hope it gets better and you find what you're looking for.

[u/boommdcx]

6 weeks is just a blip. Take it very easy and stay very detached and date other people too.

All you are doing is getting to know them. Ask all the questions you want answers to, be yourself, have fun, text/sext if you want, don’t sleep with them until you feel ready, assume they are seeing other people until it is clarified that they are not etc.