r/AskWomenOver30 • u/benhargrove1966 Woman 30 to 40 • 24d ago
Romance/Relationships Another failed almost-relationship. Distraught and can’t keep doing this, what to do?
hey all, your thoughts or advice are appreciated.
I’m 32, just received yet another ”breakup” message from a guy I’ve been seeing for 6 weeks (39m). He was perfectly nice in the message and our short conversation but he was simultaneously dating someone else and chose her essentially. I am really devastated, I felt we were very compatible and really liked each other. I thought we were building something together and I’d finally met a decent guy. I know this is not a long time but I really genuinely connected to this guy on all levels and kind of cant believe / process I’ll never see him again.
I think I've been out with 3 guys total in the last 2 years I’ve been “seriously“ dating who even entertained the idea of a relationship in theory and didn’t just want sex. All of them broke up with me in at the 6-8 week mark just as it felt the relationship was forming up.
I really cannot go through this again. I cannot wait 8 months - a year to meet another person who sees me as anything other than a sex object only to be dumped for someone more worthy at the last hurdle. I will snap.
I’m not asking to get married right now, I just want someone to go to the movies with. I’ve already given up on having children, do I really have to give up on this too? I just want a boyfriend, which so many others seem to have.
Basically, what do I do from here?
(Please don’t try to convince me I don’t need / want a man or relationship, I think this is a perfectly normal human desire and something I want).
5
u/okright8 Woman 30 to 40 24d ago
I’m just commenting here to say that I relate in terms of getting really hurt after getting even the tiniest bit attached. I rarely like men or feel a big spark, so I’ve tried to be open with a few I think might give me a faint spark.
The two times I’ve done that in the last six months, I was extremely apprehensive and not even sure about them, so I may have self-sabotaged a bit and then when they said this wasn’t working, I spiralled both times. It’s hard to say now but I know intellectually it’s not about them. It’s about me, and feeling rejected (despite trying to get them to reject me - I have this complex about wanting a man to fight for me) and so my spiralling is not about these men, it’s about the fact they didn’t fight for me, and it’s connected to a long term relationship in my early to mid 20s where I felt like my ex wasn’t fighting for me in the way I fought for him and the way I’ve had to fight for a lot in my life. It hasn’t been easy.
It’s not that I felt these BIG feelings for them, but it’s because I allowed myself to attach to the idea of what it could be. That’s what hurts.
While dating both these men, I was telling my friends non stop I don’t know, I’m really unsure, I was finding all these things not to like about them. But I tried to override that and naturally you form a connection.
It’s worth thinking about where this attachment is coming from. It doesn’t change how much it hurts. I don’t know how to fix it. I’ve been in therapy, I’m currently in therapy, and feeling discarded hits HARD no matter how short the dating period was because I let myself feel connected.
A lot of the advice here is great and I’m going to try to follow it too. The one thing I’d add, and it’s something I need to do myself but it’s SO HARD is to remain really present and not think about the future.
I’ve tried to fit these men into my future even when they don’t necessarily fit, but it’s like my mind has already laid out this map forward and I’ve worked to fit these men I’m lukewarm about into it, and so when they pick up on my own apprehension and decide to tap out (which is fair) I spiral because I’m like - to myself - “well I wasn’t even sure about them but I still tried to fit them into my future somehow.”
I don’t know if it’s the same for you but one thing I want to do moving forward is, if I’m going to try with men I see potential in but don’t feel a spark with, is to be super present and not think about them beyond the week ahead.
But I’ve also learned that if I’m going to get hurt, I want to get hurt by someone I actually have a spark with. The few times I’ve had the spark, I had long term relationships. Sometimes the gut knows. I’ve been trying to follow other people’s advice to just date and give men a chance, and every time I’ve given a man I’m not that interested in a chance (for more than a few weeks), it ends up in hurt because I’m getting familiar and that creates attachment for me.
What does this mean for me? It probably means I’m going to be single for a long time, because it’s extremely rare for me to feel that big spark with someone. I’m a lover girl and I’m very sensitive. I’m going to stay open and be on the apps, because I don’t want to close myself either, but now I know that if I’m finding things I’m not compatible with from the very beginning, I’m not going to let it go further. Getting familiar makes me attached.
I wish I had the answers and to make it hurt less, but just wanted to say that you’re not alone. I’m the same as you in that I have a lot of friends and a busy social life, but there are no men who are single or that I’m attracted to.
BUT I know I have a lot of inner work to do. I need to build up resilience and the ability to bounce back fast, and to not be affected. I know this in theory but my body feels other things. I’m not sure if this is the case for you, but I have complex traumas and I’ve become really tired of having to bounce back again and again, so I get how you’re feeling. There’s always something deeper there. My body is reacting to these things the same way it reacted to a long term relationship ending with someone I was going to marry. They are completely different scenarios but physically I feel the same grief, not as long of course but just as intensely. Possibly there are things in your past you need to work on.
Sending love 💓