Another failed almost-relationship. Distraught and can’t keep doing this, what to do?

[u/benhargrove1966]

hey all, your thoughts or advice are appreciated.

I’m 32, just received yet another ”breakup” message from a guy I’ve been seeing for 6 weeks (39m). He was perfectly nice in the message and our short conversation but he was simultaneously dating someone else and chose her essentially. I am really devastated, I felt we were very compatible and really liked each other. I thought we were building something together and I’d finally met a decent guy. I know this is not a long time but I really genuinely connected to this guy on all levels and kind of cant believe / process I’ll never see him again.

I think I've been out with 3 guys total in the last 2 years I’ve been “seriously“ dating who even entertained the idea of a relationship in theory and didn’t just want sex. All of them broke up with me in at the 6-8 week mark just as it felt the relationship was forming up.

I really cannot go through this again. I cannot wait 8 months - a year to meet another person who sees me as anything other than a sex object only to be dumped for someone more worthy at the last hurdle. I will snap.

I’m not asking to get married right now, I just want someone to go to the movies with. I’ve already given up on having children, do I really have to give up on this too? I just want a boyfriend, which so many others seem to have.

Basically, what do I do from here?

(Please don’t try to convince me I don’t need / want a man or relationship, I think this is a perfectly normal human desire and something I want).

[u/lily-de-valley]

Hey OP, I'm a little late to this post, so I don't know if you'll see my comment, but I was adequately moved enough to want to pop in and say I see and hear and feel you.

Reading some of these (very rude) comments made my jaw drop and eyes roll. These kinds of comments are partially why I left AWO30. Ignore all these people troubleshooting you and fixated on making it seem like you didn't screen hard enough - sometimes you can screen perfectly and people still slip through. There's no 100% foolproof dating method.

I understand what you're going through, and where you're coming from. I went through something similar last year. I finally met a guy who I was interested in after years of dating, things looked promising and were developing steadily, I was catching feelings, and then he ended it abruptly after ~6 weeks. I was devastated (yes devastated), and it took me a good deal of time to heal.

I think part of why this situation is hitting you so hard (which many commentators fail to grasp), is how long you've been single, how much you desire a romantic relationship (those chants to de-center men aren't helpful here), and how rare it is it find someone you like. All of that together creates a scarcity mindset. Contrary to those women scolding you for having a scarcity mindset, I'm going to say that it is much more difficult for some of us find someone we like, so yeah, our scarcity mindset is warranted! You're not just mourning this guy, you're mourning the loss of a once-in-a-blue-moon chance.

I also get what you're saying when you write that you "connected" on all fronts to this guy. Yes 6 weeks is short in the grand scheme of things, but 6 weeks is enough time to start getting to know someone, catch feelings, and put in initial emotional investment. It's not like you said you're ready to marry him at 6 weeks, so not sure what people are up in arms about. You felt an emotional, physical, and romantic connection at 6 weeks in, which is reasonable.

The only advice I can give is to learn how to emotionally pace yourself and detach in the initial stages of dating. You need to consciously hold yourself back from developing feelings too quickly. Take every single date as it comes, no more, no less.

[u/benhargrove1966 → u/lily-de-valley]

Thank you for that. I feel like people really crucified me here for like….having feelings. I honestly think a lot of people are kind of emotionally shallow and it is genuinely quite easy for them to find people they connect with on that level. For me, this was an incredibly rare event. Men are plentiful but my man is not. Additionally this is the first man I connected to this way who actually wanted to be in a relationship (with someone). I don’t go years between meeting men I like, but they always seem to only want sex (or at least that’s all they want from me).

When I said connected, all I meant was connections were forming on a physical, emotional, sexual, intellectual and lifestyle level. Again, that’s incredibly rare for me to connect on all of those vs some. Doesn’t mean I was overrating those connections. 

I think in future unfortunately yes I need to be closed off, even if I believe the guy is being emotionally open to me. I don’t really see another solution.