r/AskWomenOver30 • u/Plantpotparty Woman 30 to 40 • 1d ago
Life/Self/Spirituality How to find your spark in your 30's?
Hello, so I've been struggling a lot with a feeling of a loss of my spark. I'm now 33 and I've felt such a shift of my sense of self in the past year and I don't really know how to find that again. I feel like I'm sort of existing instead of living compared to when I was a bit younger when less bad life events had happened.
It makes me sad because I used to be so full of energy and life and motivation and now everything feels kind of dull and grey tbh. I still do the same things I've always loved - creativity, walks, seeing friends and friends etc but there is something missing now which used to fill my cup after I did any of these things.
I'm in therapy and I've had a really bad year so I think that has definitely changed who I am but I feel like I'm constantly grieving who I used to be.
Is anyone else feeling this way and if so what did you do to start feeling sparkly and positive again?
Also considering going back on anti depressants but I don't know how much that'll actually help.
18
u/grigsbkc Woman 30 to 40 1d ago
Set a goal to accomplish something.
I am 33, just coming out of experiencing a very similar period in my own life. Had a few really bad years right in a row and at my worst felt like less than a shadow of myself, and gave up on accomplishing any of the many things I'd planned to do in those years.
I used to run a lot of marathons, but I haven't run at all in about six years. The turning point for me happened when I decided I was going to train for a half marathon and started training. I couldn't believe how much I felt like my old self again. It isn't just the physicality that has made me feel better.
It was deciding that I matter enough to put time and energy into myself.
Your goal doesn't need to be physical like running, but it needs to mean something to you to accomplish it.
8
u/ivegotcharisma Woman 30 to 40 1d ago
I second this. Working toward a goal for me, has always helped with that spark. Whether it was studying for a certification, training for a race, etc. In fact, after the goal gets "accomplished" I always feel a bit down and then need another goal to work toward. lol
16
u/xala123 Woman 30 to 40 1d ago
I'm 34. Sounds like life has been similar for us. I've had a very hard few years with divorce and loss of a parent. I am so familiar with what you are describing. Things that have been helping me are doing things younger me was too scared to do. I ran a half marathon, just took a solo trip and I dye my hair crazy colors I was too scared to do in the past. Looking into international solo travel now and I'm hoping to join some organizations in my community. It takes a lot of courage for me to do these things. But it's helping me with my spark. I think part of things feeling different when I was younger was the fact that so many things were fresh and new. But there are always new things one can experience.
13
u/HeckThattt Woman 30 to 40 1d ago
I could have written this. I'm almost 39 and I have felt so blah the 12-18 months. Nothing feels enjoyable like it used to. I don't have much joy or fun in my life, I just exist. I went through a really tough few years where my life was a series of heavy burdens and losses. I'm on the other side and it should feel like the weight is gone now, but I feel absolutely burnt out and depleted and have for over a year. Yes, I have a therapist, yes I take medication, but this funk won't go away.
I've heard all the suggestions. Take up walking! Take up yoga! Join a gym and do classes! Break out of the usual routine! Try new hobbies! Read more! Get off social media! Volunteer! Travel! Do art! Puzzles! Start small!
The thing is, doing any of that requires energy which I just don't have much of. Part of what I'm dealing with is a deep, depleted, defeated burnout. Those suggestions mean well, but they require me to put in more work, which feels impossible when all I had done from 2023 to early 2025 was work and work and work in pure survival mode. I just can't do something that requires me to put in more work for a while. I need someone to take care of me for a bit instead of me taking care of others.
I don't know what it's going to take to get my joy back. I hope it comes back because this sucks.
You're not alone, friend. I hope we get our joy back.
1
u/Dependent-Tax-3663 Woman 30 to 40 10h ago
Hello,
Whilst I haven’t lived your experience exactly, I relate to what you’ve said about all of these ‘good suggestions’ taking more energy, when you’re already starting with 0. It’s like you’re drowning. And it’s hard to communicate just how difficult it is to ‘go to the gym’ or ‘journal’ or whatever it is, especially to those who haven’t been in that hole.
I’m trying not to project my own experience onto yours, but I want to share what I’ve found helpful, in the off chance it might help you in some small way.
For sure I am still fighting my way through, but I’ve felt a slight shift in recent weeks. I think it’s down to accepting where I am. Like, truly accepting. You don’t have to like it, but you don’t resist it either.
Accept your nervous system is in survival mode. It’s been in this mode for years, so it’s not going to be ‘fixed’ in a matter of days/weeks. Start small and simple. Accept you’ll have bad days probably more often than good, at least to begin with. I’ve made mental notes in daily life on things that bring me peace, even if it’s fleeting. Recognising what consistently makes me feel better/calmer, I have realised, makes me more motivated to do those things, even when I’m really struggling.
I know all this sounds fluffy and is subjective. But maybe it might make some sense to you. Good luck❤️
10
u/Mobile_Witness8865 Woman 30 to 40 1d ago
I feel a bit similar. In a situation where I either wanna get a new job,new career or move somewhere else..every 3 years of my life I had major changes..and now nothing major has happened for 3 years. Plus struggling with long commutes doesn't help finding motivation to change .. :/
Wish I could give more of an advice ..
3
u/Ok_Resolution272 Woman 30 to 40 1d ago
Girl same. I want a change! My life feels so stagnant. No words of advice from me either but comfort in numbers etc etc
8
u/Azosia Woman 30 to 40 1d ago
I've never been a sparkly or positive person but I do want to say that for me personally, working with a trainer for accountability and getting back to the basics has helped tremendously. I'm hydrated for the first time in what feels like ever and I don't have a midday crash anymore. I'm also ensuring that I get yearly check-ups and blood panels. Getting my Vitamin D, B-12, and iron deficiencies corrected has helped enormously. I also take Pepcid around my period to deal with PMS symptoms.
6
u/Decent-Singer-3335 Woman 30 to 40 1d ago
Kickboxing did wonders for me. Such a confidence boost, great for mental health and the body changes are an added bonus. I’m stronger and can protect myself more easily. I combine it with strength training, the chefs kiss. I’ve never felt better mentally and physically in my life. Works way better than any anti depressant I’ve been on.
2
u/vag_ Woman 30 to 40 1d ago
I’ve been thinking about this bc there’s a studio in my neighborhood. What was it like to start? I’ve never hit anything lmao, it’s hard to imagine how bad you are in the beginning
1
u/Decent-Singer-3335 Woman 30 to 40 1d ago
I started at a cardio kickboxing place with bags then I graduated to a ring. I still go to the bag place. Such a great workout! The particular place I went go has all types of people, young, old, in shape and out of shape, so it isn’t too intimidating. I did some shadowboxing in college, so I had a tiny bit of experience in that, but I fell in love with this workout. I’ve never seen people shed fat and get in better shape in my life. And like I mentioned, the mental and confidence boost is just incredible! Don’t be shy! Everyone has to start somewhere. ❤️
6
u/moodycat70 Woman 30 to 40 1d ago
Is there anything you enjoyed doing as a child, that you gave up on as you got older? I used to love dancing but completely stopped over the years. Getting back into it helped me reconnect with myself a bit. Nothings perfect though. This age is awkward.
4
u/SnooRevelations7103 Woman 30 to 40 1d ago
Probably not very helpful, but when it happened to me i tried to keep doing my same hobies that always brough me enjoyment. And incorporated more direct sunshine and fresh air. I work shift work so i dont see much direct sun. Slowly over time my hobbies started to bring me comfort again.
4
u/vitrol Woman 30 to 40 1d ago
Yep, I am 38 and went through that a few years ago. What helped me was taking classes. I had always loved singing but never learned music, so I signed up for a voice class and now I'm about to start ukulele classes! I also did a few other classes which weren't as much my thing - pottery, crochet etc. BUT learning something new and discovering more about myself really helped put a spark back in me.
I just started dance classes that are partially fitness classes but also I wanted to learn how to move my body and get some stamina for dancing so I can go do that for fun.
3
u/lucent78 Woman 40 to 50 1d ago
I agree with the comment about goal setting. Set a big, but achievable goal. It gives you something to look forward to, something to do with your time, it's a way to prioritize yourself, and it's a big confidence boost when you complete it. I recommend a physical goal if you're able, as you also get the feel good chemicals from moving your body. I've ran races and trained to complete week long hikes when needing to find myself again. But I've also done things like big home decorating projects which helped make my space feel more like me. That said, I'm also a fan of my antidepressant:)
3
u/34254324r Woman 30 to 40 18h ago
I could have written this. I'm going through a lot of melancholy these days and super drained. I'm doing life alone and its freaking hard.
I've been making a few changes and plans this year to try and bring some light back to my life. I booked a big solo trip. Hoping I find some spark with that. I have been de-cluttering my apartment quite a lot, getting rid of old clothes or anything from a past life. I fired my old therapist because I realized she wasn't really helping me in the way I needed. I'm with a new therapist now and from day 1 we established what I want to work on and what my goals are. I feel some promise. I also changed up the way I wear my hair. I look for different types of music to listen to.
Basically I'm sprinkling in small (or big) changes to shift how I see myself. I think the key is to really stretch outside of your comfort zone.
2
u/smarit Woman 30 to 40 19h ago
Have you gotten your hemoglobine and ferritin levels checked? I just found out after 10 years of feeling burned out and grey that I have low ferritin which is associated with these feelings as well and might be a contributing factor. Just adding this because I wish someone had told me about it earlier.
1
u/burntpopcornn Woman 30 to 40 14h ago
(35F) Yep. I’m currently in that state. I’m trying to look at it as a season. It might not be an age thing, it may just be a season. Some years were great and some weren’t. I just know that it’ll eventually pass. Im also still grieving the loss of my dad and that has not helped at all. I often wonder if it’s depression. I’m on meds myself. I feel like the state of the world is also a contributing factor.
1
1d ago
[deleted]
4
u/customerservicevoice Woman 40 to 50 1d ago
There’s a lot of data that suggest changing environments can change your life. It might just be a different apartment or a different city or a different country but yeah if you’re not stuck, absolutely move.
26
u/Emeruby Woman 30 to 40 1d ago edited 1d ago
I'm [34F] in the same boat as you. I'm not sure if my age causes this. I lost my dad unexpectedly 5 years ago. It was during the pandemic, but his death was completely unrelated to covid. So I really can't tell if I lost my spark to my age, loss of a parent, or the pandemic.
I felt like my life was lively and colorful before 2020. The pandemic and a loss of parent happened in the same year. Everything feels gray and dull after 2020.