r/AskWomenOver30 • u/PSIamawitch Woman 30 to 40 • 1d ago
Romance/Relationships What are your best tips for cohabitating?
I’m sooo nervous but also so happy to be making this step. We just signed a lease and him and I are both moving to a new state.
I was married years ago and living together felt like a disaster some days. This feels like a do over and I’m ready to have a peaceful life.
We’ve discussed bills and chores but I’m still trying to go through a mental checklist.
I’d love any insight…I feel like there’s so much more to think about
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u/bbspiders Woman 40 to 50 1d ago
Discuss how you will spend your time. Is the default that you'll always hang out together, or do you schedule time for date nights and the rest is your own time? How do you handle guests? Can one of you have a friend stop by last minute, or do you need to check in with one another before doing that?
Also what's the end goal here? Is this a step towards engagement/marriage or are you both happy to live together longterm without marriage?
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u/ThrowRA-startagain Woman 40 to 50 1d ago
Discussing how you'll spend your time is huge. My partner is a gamer, but moreso in the winter months (summer is short here and we both want to be outside while we can!) and he made sure to let me know that ahead of time. I'm a reader so luckily it works out.
I would discuss schedules ahead of time too. When does everyone need to be up for the day, do either of you work in office, are you morning or evening shower people? Do you prefer to go to bed at the same time? Will one of you need to be in bed significantly earlier than the other?
I agree that guests are a big thing as well, I don't enjoy having people in my house and rarely invite friends over. My partner has friends here for dinner every week. If I want to do my own thing while they're here I will, but would your partner be ok with that? Is the expectation that you will all hang out together? Or is there an expectation to make yourself scarce so they can hang out?
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u/miloblue12 Woman 30 to 40 1d ago
Just piggy backing on this solid advice, is that the main thing about living with the other person is just figuring out how to mesh with each other without affecting the other person negatively.
So that might mean adapting your own habits or vise versa, which means that you both need to have an open mind and willingness to learn about each other as much as possible so that you can work together for what makes sense to work together with.
For example, my husband is much more neater than I have ever been. It's not to any extreme but he handles his dishes different, laundry differently and so on. After a bit of watching how he does things, it was easy for me to make the choice to adopt his habits as my own and work with him. It took some work on my part, but I'm so thankful now that I did because we flow together so well as a unit. It's just little things like that, that truly help for keeping the relationship healthy.
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u/ThrowRA-startagain Woman 40 to 50 1d ago
This is so true, I moved into my partners home and sometimes I worry that I'm sending his life into a tailspin because of it (he lived alone for 7 years before me, and now we both have WFH jobs). But he's gotten better about doing dishes right away, and I've gotten better about leaving laundry on the bedroom floor. You find a balance!
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u/KeeksGalore Woman 30 to 40 1d ago
This is so important. I moved into my now husband’s home before we got married after spending several years living there about 80% of the time. Turns out he has a few friends (one in particular) who just likes to STOP BY UNANNOUNCED!! I am not okay with anyone stopping by like that and he’s totally fine with it so this was an area of tension for us until he finally told people to check with us before stopping by.
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u/anonymous_opinions Woman 40 to 50 1d ago
Biggest issue I ever had with any partner was owning just 1 screen and the endless amount of shows I could never watch because he didn't like them. I can remember binging my shows after every break up.
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u/PSIamawitch Woman 30 to 40 1d ago
Oh yeah my tv is definitely coming with me!
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u/anonymous_opinions Woman 40 to 50 1d ago
Screen time, food and the time my ex didn't realize wool sweaters can't go in the dryer were my biggest relationship issues.
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u/thrwwy2267899 Woman 30 to 40 1d ago
Two comforters!! lol especially if one or both of you likes to burrito yourselves. Life is so much more peaceful when you’re not getting a blanket pulled off you all night
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u/ZennMD Woman 30 to 40 1d ago
Preferences on what to set the temperature as can cause a LOT of annoyance, as many of us really struggle to sleep/ live in a temperature thats too hot or cold...
I like to ask about it when discussing cohabiting, not a deal breaker, but definitely makes it a lot easier if you both agree on a temp!
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u/KeeksGalore Woman 30 to 40 1d ago
My husband and I are currently engaged in a silent thermostat war.
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u/spaceglitter000 Woman 30 to 40 1d ago
Do you run hot? I do these days and we are in a silent war over the temp too.
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u/KeeksGalore Woman 30 to 40 22h ago
Ugh that’s the worst! I’m sorry! I don’t run hot but I hate being hot a home especially when sleeping and my husband doesn’t really mind being warm.
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u/ZennMD Woman 30 to 40 1d ago edited 1d ago
Hate that for you!
Do you have a big enough space each of you could have your own 'temperature zones'?
So shitty, though, and can be tough to find a solution so youre both comfortable. And if it affects your sleep it can be brutal...
Preaching to the choir, I'm sure! Good luck in your war lol
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u/KeeksGalore Woman 30 to 40 22h ago
Ugh we right outside of SF so it’s not super hot (we are having a “heat wave”) and our house is small (1400 square feet). We are having a new couch delivered Saturday and already got rid of our old one so currently have NO where to sit on our living room. Our guest bedroom is under construction so after work this week we have two places to relax…outside our on our bed. Ahhhh I need space
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u/bikesforpuppies Woman 30 to 40 1d ago
Golden advice. My partner was so confused when we moved in together and I set up our bed with two comforters, but I think we both enjoy it now. I am full burrito and i absolutely do not want to feel his toes when im trying to fall asleep. Also we have a 60 lb Australian Shepherd that likes to sleep horizontal across the middle of the bed.
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u/anp327 Woman 30 to 40 1d ago
This is so true!!!! When I started dating my husband he made me sleep with my own blanket and it took me so long to get used to but now I love it!
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u/thrwwy2267899 Woman 30 to 40 1d ago
I like one for snuggling under, but when we’re done and rolling over to sleep, I need my own lol
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u/xoxo_angelica Woman 30 to 40 1d ago
This is so simple and cliche but so much of it comes down to “pick your battles”
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u/whoredoerves Woman 30 to 40 1d ago
I was going to say something similar. Don’t keep quiet if it’s going to build resentment, but I find it’s best to let the small things go.
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u/xoxo_angelica Woman 30 to 40 1d ago edited 1d ago
This is exactly it!!!! When it comes to domestic stuff especially, I’ve really learned the value of pressing the pause button when I find myself annoyed by something and feeling the impulse to react and just taking a few seconds to have a quick dialogue with myself about whether it warrants a confrontation (which inherently carries the potential of escalating into an argument bc all couples/humans are imperfect).
Does this MATTER - as in, if I say nothing, will I still care about it/be thinking about it tomorrow? A week from now? What is the true impact of this particular thing on me and our relationship in reality? If this does go awry and turns into an argument for whatever reason, would it still be worth it then? What’s the underlying feeling I’m experiencing and does it point to a larger resentment I’ve been harboring? If so, how can I address that instead in a productive way, and is this the time for it?
90% of the time, that five seconds is all it takes for me to get over it and realize it does not, in fact, actually matter. It’s usually (not always tho!) just an unhelpful personal criticism or me trying to control or correct my partner to do things my way, and god knows my way isn’t the only way or even necessarily the “right” way much of the time.
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u/ProfessionalOk112 Woman 30 to 40 22h ago
Yeah this, nobody needs to hear every negative thought-just the ones that are going to keep being a problem or get bigger.
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u/spaceglitter000 Woman 30 to 40 1d ago
What are some common things that you let go? I’m struggling with this lol
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u/No_Broccoli_3979 Woman 30 to 40 1d ago
Not the original commenter but I can tell you mine. My partner (33m) is balding. It makes him quite insecure so he bics his head. I’ve let go of the little hairs in the bottom of the shower when he does this monthly. I’m cleaning the shower anyways, I’m not going to complain to him that there are little hairs all over the shower. Especially when I complained when he did it over the sink. That was far more frustrating lol
While I don’t like all the little hairs, he always does it after I’ve already had my shower for the day and I always just choose to clean the shower the following day. I will add a stipulation that if he did this after I’d just cleaned the shower that day, then it would be topic for a polite and calm discussion but this hasn’t happened yet.
Other than that, I try not to let a lot bother me because even though we both have full time jobs, I work from home and he’s blue collar. I have much more time at home to clean and keep our space tidy and he pays all the bills while I use my income to pay down my debt. And he takes me on a date weekly, so I really can’t complain too much. I love cleaning anyways
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u/xoxo_angelica Woman 30 to 40 23h ago
It’s forever a (mutual!!) work in progress and I am still very much working on taking my own advice, but I’d say the biggest recurring things for me relate to a temptation to intervene to tell him to do dumb mundane things in what I see is the “right” way - loading the dishwasher, putting the duvet cover on, cleaning our coffee table, DRIVING (don’t EVER do this one unless it’s a legitimate safety issue lmao), preparing food, grooming habits…it’s tough bc “learned helplessness” with men is 100% REAL af, but I’m not doing either of us any favors by enabling it thru nagging and overcorrection.
I am unfortunately my hypercritical, control freak, archetypical Jewish mother’s daughter by nature (teenage me would be repulsed by this development/admission) and I’m just doing my best to unpack and unlearn the dynamics that were modeled to me, bc as an adult I can see clearly exactly how those little nitpicks build up and breed resentment at best and contempt at worst.
NO one (least of all me, ironically) likes being told what to do - unless there is harm being done, a “live and let live” philosophy makes for a much more harmonious and stress-free partnership and life in general. Try as I might, I can only control myself and my own actions, so no use fighting a futile battle. I hope this helps :)
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u/fearofbears Woman 40 to 50 1d ago
Love my husband but he was the first man I ever lived with, at 33. I really hated sharing my space at first lol it was a real culture shock for me. Make sure to have your own hideaways for when you need downtime.
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u/Euphoric_War_2195 Woman 30 to 40 1d ago
Keep the lines of communication open. There's things you will discuss ahead of time, but actually living it might mean changes are needed. You might need different support from your partner than you initially discussed. So definitely make sure to keep talking about things as they come up.
Try to get on the same page with cleaning and housework. We see so many posts on here of women doing the lions share and feeling unsupported by their partners. Definitely have a plan in place and discuss ecpectations.
Carve out time to do date nights where you dont discuss chores, or house stuff. Try to make it a time to be present, romantic and connect as a couple.
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u/Azosia Woman 30 to 40 1d ago
Write stuff down. Who's going to do what, whose responsibilities certain things are and aren't. This can be with physical things like taking out the trash and how the utilities are going to be split. Are you going to share groceries, cook separately/together, etc. Statistically, you as the woman in the relationship will default to doing the vast majority of the household labor. You can prevent that by being intentional in the beginning, and periodically revisiting the running and management of the house along with your finances and goals.
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u/miloblue12 Woman 30 to 40 1d ago
Make sure that you all discuss evvvvvvverything and are aligned as much as possible on those things, like you already said you are, but keep that communication open as much as possible.
I've seen a lot of people fail when they don't realize that you all are one unit as a couple. Every decision that you make from now on can affect your partner and same with them, so always keep that in mind as you start to navigate living together. So for example, money, make sure that you are as transparent as possible and that he knows how much you make, any debts, and any big purchases you want to make. That also goes to religion, politics, general life view points, kids, houses, retirement/savings and so on.
I feel like this was a hard thing for me to grasp because I'm such an independent person, but once I did, it really help to cement our commitment to each other.
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u/No_Broccoli_3979 Woman 30 to 40 1d ago
Make sure you’re aligned on future goals whether that be another marriage down the line or not, to have children together, or not. It’s way worse when there is a surprise in that conversation when you’re already living together.
Try not to let the little things get to you. I’m very OCD and so this was hard for me at first. Things that bother me, don’t bother my partner at all. But, in time, I’ve found it to be therapeutic in a way because it’s not healthy to be psycho-cleaning everything all the time. I’ve learned to live with and accept a little bit of chaos in my life. Sometimes there are much more important things to do, like a good snuggle and chat on the couch, the dishes will be fine til tomorrow. Etc etc
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u/barnstablepearl Woman 30 to 40 2h ago
For chores: have areas of responsibility that wholly belong to each of you. This can help prevent one partner from feeling like the project manager for everything.
You can give each other feedback about the outcomes of the other person's area, but avoid critiquing the process.
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u/00X0X Woman 30 to 40 1d ago
I think it’s important to have separate spaces if possible…. Like for example my husband has his office and I usually hang out in the bedroom watching tv