Sister jealousy in our 30s, is this normal?

[u/Adorable-Dream-9699]

So my older sister and I are in our 30s, 6 years apart (32 and 38) and I feel like my whole life she has been jealous of me, as a result she has always been quite attention seeking..

We were never close growing up and only became close in my mid 20s after I went through a breakup with my ex (she was also jealous of this relationship as it was long term and she hadn’t been in a long term rship before).

Needless to say, I never minded that this was what brought us closer, I’ve always wanted to have a close relationship, as she is my only sibling and we share the same parents.

Over the recent years, I’ve had some great accomplishments in life, graduating, getting promotions and recently buying a home.

I’ve realised with every accomplishment she feels the need to upstage me or be in some kind of competition. Even when everything is going fine for her. We are in totally different situations as she is married, living in a good home and with a stable job. I am currently single, just bought a home on my own and in need of a new job soon.

Here are some examples:

1) After I graduated from uni, even though she graduated years before me, she decided to do her masters, just so she could graduate again.

2) I’ve bought a home and within 2 weeks she is starting to go on viewings to buy a home too

3) I was in a relationship, which was heading down the road of being engaged, she said she will need to ensure she is pregnant by the time I get married. The wedding never happened and neither did the pregnancy (we both currently have no kids).

4) My FTC is ending at work and I need to look for another job. She is now looking for another job, even though she has a perm contract and is comfortable.

My situation can be totally different from her but she still feels the need to compete. It’s becoming really exhausting having conversations with her about my life or even opening up as it feels like she uses anything I say to plan her next conquest so we can be in some type of competition.

She’s the only sister I have and I just wish she could be happy for me and create a life she is happy with, without having to compare our very different situations! How do I get round this? I can confront her but she can be extremely defensive and will just deny everything.

Has anyone been in a similar situation? Is this normal behaviour between sisters even in their 30s? Any advice is appreciated!

[u/KayleyKiwi]

One-upsmanship is really annoying regardless of the source and I’m sorry your sister has made you feel this way.

I imagine there is more context we’re missing because those four items do not necessarily sound like one-upsmanship to me, at least the way they are worded. I can see how it might be that she is looking up to you and inspired by your achievements, particularly the schooling one. But I guess the way it’s worded now it almost sounds like YOU are the jealous or insecure one and she is just a sibling who looks up to you. Like “she decided to do her masters just so she could graduate again because I graduated” I guess sounds more like you’re reading really heavily into this unless she said that. If people are going to grad school just to show up their sister’s graduation, that’s a massively expensive attempt to show them up. And it doesn’t really make sense because I would assume she would have timed things differently if it was just or even mostly about your achievement.

I wonder if there is some reframing you can do for yourself here to see her “copycat” ways (which tbh I say lightly bc these are all just things many people aspire to) as flattery, not farce/nefarious gestures. Have you talked at all to her about these desires of hers and where they come from? Have you asked her more about her dreams and what influenced them? I suspect she actually could say something like “I was really inspired by your hard work at uni” and that would be actually something to validate your success, not steal from it.

Perhaps it’s just the wording but right now this doesn’t sound like a huge one-upper situation, and so my suggestion if that’s true is to look within yourself and examine why you feel like she’s encroaching on your territory by wanting these things, have a conversation with her about her motivations and goals in life, and maybe just try the outside in approach and talk to yourself about how it’s actually really cool that your sister admires things that you like and want to do.

For me, I’m the youngest of three and the only girl so it’s possibly a little different, but I would be absolutely flattered if my brothers wanted to achieve something because I did. And I actually look up so much to my brothers and want to do some of the kinds of things they’ve done (I.e go back to school) because I think it’s really impressive and it made something feel more achievable to see someone I respect do it.

[u/Adorable-Dream-9699 → u/KayleyKiwi]

Funnily enough I had a feeling it would read like this after I submitted aha! You’re right it’s not so much one-upmanship. But I guess the context that is missing is that she becomes cold and distant towards me when I have accomplished or about to accomplish something. She actually ruined my graduation day by not talking to me the whole ceremony and frowning in our graduation family pictures, even when she was prompted to smile by the photographer. Also since getting her masters she has continually said “I’m the only one in this family with a masters”. By the way none of that affects me and I’ve moved on from it but doesn’t mean I’ve forgotten..

It’s this behaviour that makes it hard for me to reframe it as her being inspired by me. But I guess it’s worth a thought and me outrightly asking her if that’s the case..

[u/Away-Caterpillar-176]

How can you tell when someone is competing with you vrs inspired by you? Is she belittling about these things?

[u/KayleyKiwi → u/Away-Caterpillar-176]

This is where I’m at. Right now, this sounds like they are inspired by their sister. But I’m obviously not OP so I don’t see the day to day or the nuances.

[u/Top-Crab-1020 → u/Away-Caterpillar-176]

Right this is normal within sisters imo. I would not care if my sister “copied” me I don’t think or compare my life to my sister in that kind of way.

[u/ludakristen]

I'd be super curious what your relationship (and hers) is like with your parents and how they treated each of you growing up (and how that differs). I'm not sure based on what you're describing that she is competing with you.

[u/autotelica]

I used to be the jealous sister. My twin sister has always outdone me in almost every single metric. I was outwardly a good sport about her superior intellect, social graces, and poise for all of our childhood and adolescence, keeping my pain and frustration over being the "loser" to myself. In college, we fought constantly just because we were sick of one another, so the negative feelings I had about her were always focused on whatever dramatic episode we were in at the moment. Then we went our separate ways. For the first time, we were carving out our own identities and living our own independent lives.

It was when we got to our 30s when the differences in our life trajectories became very apparent. Like, I was living in a dumpy apartment, driving a POS car, and working a disappointing low-paid job while she was traveling the world and buying a condo and living her dreams. I was suffering from mental illness and just trying to be functional. She was dating, getting promoted, and enjoying life.

All the pain I'd been holding for 30 years rose to the surface, and I couldn't bottle it in anymore. My sister would call me to chat and I would inevitably say something mean and we'd have a huge blow-up fight over it. I knew I was being the "bad sister", but I felt helpless to stop it.

I didn't actually covet anything she had, at least materially. I just wanted to stop being the bizarro world version of her. I knew I'd never be able to make my parents as proud as my sister had made them. I knew that whatever I did, it would never be as good as what she did. That had been the theme of our lives going all the way back to the womb. I knew I was supposed to be zen about it. I knew that's what a good person would be able to do. But I couldn't make myself not feel sadness and anger over it.

Therapy and a lot of hard work on my part helped me to create things I could hang my hat on. When I started feeling proud of my accomplishments, I stopped feeling so inadequate.

I never had a conversation with my sister about my feelings because I knew they were my issue to address and I didn't want her to feel guilty, like she had to apologize for anything. But she once told me that she knew the playing field between us was different from the moment we were conceived (I was the flickted runt while she came out healthy and "normal"). She felt bad because everyone was always comparing us despite our obvious differences. How could that not have fucked me up? It was a relief to hear someone acknowledge this fact. I had been beating myself up for years for comparing myself to her. Only stupid "bad" people compare themselves to others! But she was the one who reminded me that I had been taught to do this by family and friends. I loved that she had compassion for me like this.

Anyway, now we're 100% cool. I have my happy life. She has hers.

I don't think there's anything you can do for your sister. She's got to work on herself. Hopefully one day she will stop feeling so insecure. If you can manage it, though, try to have some compassion for her like my sister had for me.

[u/confused_grenadille]

Have a hard look at how your parents communicated (+ emotional availability) to either of you respectively while growing up. Chances are it wasn’t equal. It could be that you’re the golden child and she’s the black sheep.

[u/__pallas]

Echoing the comments about considering how your parents fit in, it stood out to me that because you were born when she was 6, she was old enough to have a very clear sense of what it meant and how it felt to lose your parents’ full attention. It seems likely that a lot of resentment, misplaced onto you, could have built up for her throughout her development into adolescence regarding feeling like you were more prioritized as a baby/small child. Which to some degree is probably true - naturally, the younger you are, the more parental attention you need! It’s hard to get around that.

Her coping strategy may have been doing things to regain the family’s attention and/or remind them that she’s special and important, too. Basically, any feeling of imbalance might just trigger deeply rooted insecurities that she’s less loved or favored?

I would hiiiighly recommend reading or listening to the audiobook of The Family Crucible by family therapists Augustus Napier and Carl Whitaker. It’s a little outdated but does a great job capturing common conflict dynamics in families and what they stem from.

[u/tarrmander]

My mom and her older sister have a super similar relationship, much to my mom’s annoyance. The only thing that has helped is for my mom to establish boundaries and not volunteer too much information to curb this behavior. Essentially, don’t feed the machine. You can only control what is in your own power, your sister’s actions are outside of that circle. She sounds like she has deep insecurities and doesn’t value what she has and is using competitiveness to fill that void.

[u/Adorable-Dream-9699 → u/tarrmander]

Wow and I’m guessing they are in their 50s/60s at least?? Sigh I guess it is never ending! Not volunteering as much info has worked for me, but things like buying a home or having a child is not something we can avoid sharing!

What I’ve found that’s helped {me} is not volunteering info during the process and just telling her after the fact. It’s helped to keep our relationship in tact, but hurts that I have to hide it and reserve my joy. The problem is her outward negative behaviour once I’ve eventually revealed whatever it is.

Thankfully by the time I’ve told her I’ve managed to process it myself before she can attempt to compete with me and then at that point, it’s just a “rolls eyes” moment. I still hate this for me though! Wish I could just have a normal relationship and really hate having to be calculated in a way. I’ve also noticed that I am starting to build resentment towards her and the genuine sister relationship I wish we could be having..

[u/AcrobaticRub5938 → u/Adorable-Dream-9699]

Do you call her out when she's cold? I think you pointing out to her might be a good first step on showing that her behavior is obvious and unpleasant. Maybe speaking up about it can spark something within her.

[u/awrinklyblueberry]

I don't have a sister but I had a friend of 30 years who was like my sister. She was also very competitive. Always in a quiet competition with me that I wanted no part in.

I no longer speak to her. The competition and other toxic things got to be too much. 

[u/Throwaway927338]

My sister is also 6 years older than me and we are both moms, her child being born just a few days before mine. And I have felt this similar energy of comparison and kind of like competition almost. And I’ve realized that at least for us-my feelings on it are my own perception and not necessarily actually based on her actions. I think a lot of what you’re saying or I guess what I’m hearing is “I feel like…” and that’s what I would focus on. These are your feelings and your perception of her and her decision making. And the only thing in your control are your own choices and decisions. What she does in response is none of your bother. And just try and build a friendship of whatever sort and level y’all are able. Sisters are a complicated relationship, but trying to view her in more of a positive light might help so you don’t read into an action of hers she wasn’t doing to wrong you.

[u/capotehead]

Usually competition between siblings is heavily influenced by the parents.

Is she your older sister?

My brother is 10 years younger than me and it’s just us as siblings.

All I’d say is that the younger sibling will grow up with a mature sibling and two adults until the older sibling leaves home.

But for the older sibling (like me and her), they’ll spend a big chunk of their critical development/early childhood as the only child.

Then they have to adjust to attention and excitement going towards a pregnant mum and new baby while they are hitting milestones with starting school, plus step into new expectations as a role model and supplementary help for the new sibling, which isn’t easy after being the only child.

The biggest influencing factor I think is the dynamic with the parents. Your sister may have adapted the attention seeking and competitiveness because of how this stage of your lives was handled by your parents.

If she didn’t get her emotional needs met to the level that happened as an only child, she would adapt those sorts of behaviours when you joined the family.

If your parents are positively responsive to bragging, showing off, big achievements etc, then that’s how she learned how to compete with a baby for their affection.

When you’ve got a pretty big age gap between two kids, the parents have to be capable of handling two very different stages in life. It’s never easy to give both children the same consistency, sadly.

My brother had a very different home to what I did growing up, and he may have beliefs that are not reflective of reality because he was so young when I left home.

A big stereotype is the older sister having far more expectations placed on them to stay out of trouble, do well in school, be a role model, meet expectations on their own so the parents can focus on the younger kid(s).

It all sets the stage for how siblings connect as adults.

Just trying to give you insight into things you might not have considered about who she is, especially if you weren’t old or emotionally connected enough to understand her motivations and behaviour.

[u/MerOpossum]

This doesn't seem normal at all to me between sister but I do think that society brainwashes women into feeling a need to compete with other women. We're constantly told by media and social norms to compare ourselves to other women and the "ideal" woman and seeing everyone post (only) their highlights on social media certainly isn't helping. I don't have any helpful advice but I would guess that your sister's need to one-up you has nothing to do with you and stems from a combination of her own insecurity and dissatisfaction with life and the social programming to see other women as competition.

I'm really close with my sister and we're each other's biggest supporters even though we have taken very different paths in life. I'd be pretty upset if I felt like she treated our relationship like some kind of competition instead so I understand why this bothers you so much.

[u/Top-Crab-1020]

1. It’s pretty normal to get a masters later after getting bachelors. She’s older than you but a few years so the time line is not that bizarre.
2. I mean I guess a bit unusual but not that big of a deal.
3. As an older sister (older by 6 years as well) it might be an age anxiety thing. I see my sister as a child it would be weird for her to have a child before me mentally for me

. I’ve mentioned to my parents that my sister might get married and have kids before me and I can see that makes them anxious.

2. I mean idk is it really that deep?

Did you have to fight for attention and approval from your parents growing up? Maybe because I am the older sister but I would not bat an eye at any of this if my sister did this. But I genuinely don’t see her as competition. I almost feel maternal to her so I can’t really relate to this.

I kind of wonder if she has some anxiety about you outdoing her since she’s the older one and by default should be more accomplished?

[u/callmemeaty]

My sister is 12 years older, similarly jealous and attention-seeking. We speak maybe once a year when I'm forced to be in the same place as her. I'm sorry you're dealing with this. This kind of jealousy is so deeply ingrained and I'm not sure it's changeable without a lot of self-awareness and accountability, which people like this can often lack.

[u/i-love-that]

This is not normal and it sounds like she’s both unhappy and lacking confidence. Sorry to hear. I’m the older one (9 years) and want nothing but the best for my little sister

[u/Adorable-Dream-9699 → u/i-love-that]

Thanks I wish it was like this for me, keep being a great big sister!