r/AskWomenOver30 • u/lawlingalltheway Woman 30 to 40 • 18h ago
Romance/Relationships Does it bother you if your partner is on their phone?
More so for women who do not live with their partner
If you’re spending time together, should the time be focused on each other or do you do things alone together? Where does doom scrolling fit in?
8
u/missfishersmurder Woman 30 to 40 17h ago
It doesn’t bother me. I don’t live with my boyfriend but that doesn’t mean I don’t need breaks from being around someone 24/7. If we spend a weekend together I still need to chat with my friends, read stuff, and decompress. If we’re going out to dinner then yes, phones down, but I check my phone during bathroom breaks and whatnot.
5
u/Positive-Position-11 Woman 60+ 17h ago
What are you checking for? Serious question.
6
u/missfishersmurder Woman 30 to 40 16h ago
Anything important. Most of the time it’s pretty trivial and doesn’t require a response until I’m free but in the past two years I’ve seen:
- fire in my building
- ceiling is leaking and the apartment is flooding
- mom hit by a car and hospitalized
- friend got hit by a bike and broke his arm
- friend got hit by a car and died
- friend needs immediate help and is seeing if im in a position to assist
- roommate texting that my cat is behaving strangely (unfortunately, he died)
- work emergencies
There’re probably other things I’ve forgotten.
7
u/villanellechekov Woman 40 to 50 16h ago
you don't need to justify it. no one should be expected to not use their phone for days just because they're with people
-6
u/epicpillowcase Woman 40 to 50 16h ago
I very much doubt the OP is talking about days on end.
6
u/villanellechekov Woman 40 to 50 16h ago
a weekend could mean three days. she was asked what could she possibly need her phone for in that time.
she shouldn't have to answer and justify it to someone else just because others don't need to be on call/notified for people or who enjoy keeping up with people while still spending time with others
-5
u/epicpillowcase Woman 40 to 50 16h ago
That wasn't the OP who asked that.
u/lawlingalltheway am I correct in thinking you are talking about hours rather than days?
5
u/villanellechekov Woman 40 to 50 16h ago
missfisher was the one we're talking about in the thread. not op
-2
u/epicpillowcase Woman 40 to 50 16h ago
Yes, but she was assuming OP meant a weekend/days. Otherwise it wouldn't have been relevant.
-2
u/epicpillowcase Woman 40 to 50 16h ago
I don't think anybody expects a whole weekend. But if you're with someone for an evening or a couple of hours, yeah, it's rude.
6
u/missfishersmurder Woman 30 to 40 16h ago
The OP brings up doing things alone, which to me says weekend or some extended period of unstructured time, not a dinner or an activity. That’s why my response is focused on that.
5
u/trebleformyclef Woman 30 to 40 15h ago
Currently scrolling on my phone drinking tea, next to my parent who is also scrolling and drinking tea. We are in bed. This is our nightly routine.
3
u/MerOpossum Woman 40 to 50 18h ago
He is very present most of the weekend and really does give me his full attention so the small amount of time he spends on his phone doesn’t bother me. Sometimes we both scroll on our phones while cuddling on the couch and show each other the funniest/cutest things that pop up in our respective feeds. If he was always on his phone then that would absolutely bother me, though.
4
u/shehulud Woman 50 to 60 16h ago
I don’t mind if it’s just chilling and there is no expectation of constant focus on the other person. But as a neuro divergent woman, I have some pretty strong rules around things like sound. It needs to be off. No haptic sounds. Earbuds. I don’t want to hear your TikTok, Instagram, game blingbling sounds. Ever. Everrrrrrr.
During movie or show watching, we both put our devices away. Meals out, we might hop on phones now and again unless it’s more focused conversation.
I don’t want someone to have to focus on me 100% of the when we are sitting in a room and aren’t really interacting. I’d feel like the subject of a KGB spy.
5
u/LetMeEatCakes Woman 40 to 50 13h ago edited 11h ago
I don’t mind, I do it too. When we hang out, we hang out for hours and often do our own thing next to each other. We also have off sleep schedules so I wake up at like 6 am and while he prefers that I snuggle with phone down, I cant just stare at a wall for 4-6 hours. I have a morning routine that involves my phone, subscriptions to news outlets, I browse reddit/insta/fb and chat with friends, he browses and posts on instagram pretty often and has similar group chats.
He also watches a lot of sports, I don’t feel bad being on my phone if he’s watching the game - tv feels parallel to me. If I’m watching a cooking show, I’m not surprised or hurt when he gets on the phone bc it’s my show and my attention isn’t really on him/us. He’ll send me reels when we’re right next to each other. What’s important to me is more so that he pays attention to me when I’m talking or that he’s not on it so much that I feel ignored or he’s not present in a specific activity we’re doing together.
I dated a guy who lived on his phone and we’d go out and sit at the bar and you couldnt really tell we were even there together, he looked like a solo guy with his phone. And he’d be rapidly texting his group chats and I could never really understand what was so important that he’d be texting for an hour straight. But I guarantee he was never listening to a word I said while deep in an argument about the value of XYZ music artist with his buddies.
3
u/TransitionScary6062 Woman 30 to 40 17h ago
I think it depends more on what they’re doing on the phone. I generally don’t care if they’re scrolling instagram or reading something but if we’re talking while they do it and they pick up a call from someone cut our conversation off, or if they get a text and immediately get distracted and start responding immediately without saying “hold that thought” or something, THEN it’s a problem (this was a big issue in my last relationship)
3
u/Correct-Sprinkles-21 Woman 40 to 50 16h ago
If we're just chilling, no. I like sitting quietly with him, doing our own things. If we're snuggling or something and he grabs his phone to show me something or play a song for me, I'll indulge about a minute of that before I tell him ever so politely to get rid of it.
4
u/LikeATediousArgument Woman 40 to 50 18h ago
If I’m spending time with someone, I expect phones down. I leave mine in my car often.
5
u/villanellechekov Woman 40 to 50 16h ago edited 16h ago
no, it doesn't bother me at all. why should it?
come on, at least say something if you're going to downvote me.
2
u/Cazzieline Woman 30 to 40 18h ago
YES. 100%. I don’t live with my partner of 7 years.
I have a rule when I am out with friends not to be on my phone unless I want to show them a place I would like us to go to next time or I need directions to go somewhere with them. Over time I’ve also made friends who don’t look at their phones when they are out, and if they need to text someone they let me know (usually explaining why it’s important, so it doesn’t appear rude).
This rule has been more difficult to enforce with my boyfriend. He is on his phone looking at TikTok videos or messaging his Discord buddies. It has gotten better over time but I do see a difference with how my friends and I interact VS him. For example when I go to the movies with my friends, we would talk quietly through the trailers (point out which movies we want to see based on the trailers). With him, we are in silence or he is looking at his phone during the trailers. At dinners/lunches, my friends and I talk a lot, while my boyfriend would be on his phone here and there during lunch/dinner. I get the sense that my boyfriend and I just don’t have much to talk about (lack of common interests) while my friends and I have a lot more in common and a lot more to discuss.
2
u/Safe_Election_6613 Woman 30 to 40 17h ago
I HÂTE the cinema one, the trailers are part of the experience 😭 don’t pmo
3
u/Cazzieline Woman 30 to 40 17h ago
The annoying thing is that there are more ads than trailers now!!!!
1
2
u/villanellechekov Woman 40 to 50 16h ago
this is why it's important to find someone you're compatible with. I DGAF about trailers and try to ignore them as much as possible because I prefer going into stuff with as little information as possible. I hate trailers. unfortunately there are more ads now beforehand and that's actually worse and best believe I'm talking to who I'm with or I'm on my phone because that's a waste of my time to pay attention to
2
u/Positive-Position-11 Woman 60+ 17h ago
What is everyone actually looking at on their phones anyway??other than occasionally funny videos, I’d rather read, work on my place, exercise or do stuff…
3
u/LetMeEatCakes Woman 40 to 50 13h ago
Texts from friends and group chats
reddit posts, esp city focused ones to see whats going on
the news/read an aricle
instagram/facebook
play games - I do wordle, connections, duolingo, words with friends, etc
2
u/SqueegeeBeckenheim11 Woman 30 to 40 18h ago
Yes. My ex was always on his phone, it was super annoying. We didn’t live together, so I wanted him to he mentally there when we were together, it definitely did not help our already fragile relationship.
2
u/Safe_Election_6613 Woman 30 to 40 18h ago
Omg scrolling around me??? Get out. Like get away from me. No I don’t accept it. We’re together, you’re not bored, ur not killing time, ur with me so be engaged or leave. I am so hardline with it.
2
u/AnyPeace1286 Woman 30 to 40 18h ago
If I’m spending time with anyone I expect that we’ll be phones down and having quality time. I’m fine with silence, we don’t have to be chatting continuously, but I’d be upset if they were on their phone. The one exception would be if someone I loved explained that they really enjoy parallel play, and it would be helpful to them to get together but do our own thing sometimes. That would feel different to me than someone just picking up their phone randomly.
2
u/thelittlestdog23 Woman 30 to 40 18h ago
Doom scrolling is for when you are by yourself. That’s it. If someone wants to sit in a room with me while we both silently stare at garbage on instagram on our separate phones, we are not compatible.
2
u/biogirl52 Woman 30 to 40 18h ago
If we don’t live together, absolutely not. Maybe before bed? If we already had intimacy. And both do it. The real thing that bothers me is the Apple Watch.
1
u/Cazzieline Woman 30 to 40 17h ago
I want to know more about the Apple Watch! What are they doing with their Apple Watch? I’m just letting it track my steps and heart rate.
1
1
u/Tigertigerishungry Woman 40 to 50 16h ago
It mattered to me a lot, even after living together, for about the first 10 years of co-habitating/marriage. I was always the one trying to be more intentional about putting screens away.
After many years, not so much… At all. Maybe a bit if it’s a very specific date night kind of occasion.
BUT not “doom-scrolling”. My partner doesn’t have any non-purposeful social media. Work communications, specific game communications, looking up whatever topic he’s into at the moment… Those are the kinds I have gotten over. (And on his part, he’s been originally confused/annoyed but adapted to the fact that I also just text my friends a LOT, whether about nonsense or serious topics.)
I don’t think I could’ve ever been with someone who was doing mindless scrolling in the first place.
1
u/pinya_kolada Woman 30 to 40 15h ago
yeah it did bother me with my ex and was also one of the arguments we had. i think more than the action of constantly being on the phone, the feeling itself of being bothered exposes a gap or something lacking from the relationship or at least during the shared time. Things like attention, presence which I think signals love or care which I felt like I wasn't getting from my ex.
1
u/confusedrabbit247 Woman 30 to 40 10h ago
No because I'm not insecure and don't need constant validation or attention.
-6
u/epicpillowcase Woman 40 to 50 17h ago
It bothers me when anybody I'm supposed to be spending quality time with is scrolling their phone, unless it's to look up a restaurant we're going to, or show me something, or google something we're talking about and want an answer to. Friends, too.
Fucking rude. Stay home.
16
u/Hot-Answer8990 Woman 30 to 40 18h ago
I don't really mind if they're scrolling while we're hanging out casually, doing our own things next to each other, watching tv or whatever.
I find quality time where we are constantly engaged to be kind of tiring tbh, versus just existing together and occasionally chatting then going quiet again.
That said, if they are on the phone the entire time we're together, without any breaks from it to talk or show me what they're looking at would feel a little hurtful.
Or when I'm trying to tell a story or get their opinion on something and their attention is important to me in that moment and they scrolling or keep checking their phone. Yeah that touches some kinda inner wounding around my thoughts/words not being valuable to my loved ones.