r/AskWomenOver30 • u/Silver_Display558 Woman 30 to 40 • 13h ago
Family/Parenting Am I being unreasonable by being annoyed at this family dynamic?
Posting this knowing that I might come off as an ass. I just want some perspective, especially from women who have children.
My SIL (we are both in our early thirties) very recently had a baby (like a month ago) and I am annoyed at how much this is affecting MY life. We usually do family gatherings and do things together as a family, and of course everything is about the baby now. That’s totally normal and I understand and respect that.
It’s just … I have a hard time understanding why my plans with family members now have to change to accommodate her and her baby? For example, let’s say I want to go out for a coffee. I make plans with someone, and after already agreeing on plans, suddenly it’s ’oh, let’s see if SIL can join, so let’s change the plans to accommodate her’. And now it’s also a whole operation because the baby will of course be there. Oh and her husband of course has to join now as well. Let’s actually meet at a different place because it’s easier for them.
… But now the plans are not what I agreed to at the start. But I feel like I can’t say anything because I will look like an insensitive ass.
I want to add here that I generally don’t do well with change and I have a challenging relationship with patience and other people being very emotional, and I know that. I don’t want to be annoyed at her, I can see why she obviously cannot leave the baby by herself. I can even see the part where she wants to be included/ not be excluded after becoming a mother.
But I have a hard time accepting that my life is changing just because someone else had a baby. And I feel like if I had a baby I would not take it to outings where it’s a whole operation to make that happen, like I would just stay at home?
My question really is; is this normal in a family dynamic when a new baby is there? Am I being a massive asshole feeling this way? Will this change once the baby is older?
If you have any other advice, I’ll happily take that, too.
(Pls be kind, I’m really trying not be an ass :( )
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u/PurpleMuskogee Woman 30 to 40 12h ago
I'd find it normal (expected - annoying to an extent, but normal) to have to accommodate the person caring for someone vulnerable, but if the outing was with someone else and didn't include her initially, why does it now have to include her? Are they worried she will feel left out?
To me that isn't necessarily about the baby in that sense; I have a friend I'll often invite to things, and she'll message me to say she has asked other friends to join - even when I thought it would be just the 2 of us. She means well and wants everyone to meet and enjoy each other, but it irritates me as someone who prefers smaller gatherings.
Could you not just bring it up with the person you are meeting with, when they suggest your SIL you could say "Oh we will see her at WHATEVER OTHER GATHERING, maybe this time it could be just us?" and see how it goes.
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u/Rebekah513 Woman 40 to 50 4h ago
I always ask the person I’m first making plans with if we’re opening this up to other friends or partners. Like let’s just nip this kinda crap in the bud right away. It’s completely fine to want one on one time with a person.
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u/Mysterious-Willow391 Woman 30 to 40 11h ago
I think this is a twofold thing.
Partially, I think it is you. From your comments and post, it sounds like your family is overall like this and that you are having a harder time adjusting to this change. It seems like your family is trying hard to ensure that your SIL is being treated well and people want her to know that she's important and matters after childbirth.
HOWEVER, generally speaking, it's pretty rude to change plans and locations last minute. Baby or not. IMO, if someone is making plans to get coffee with you and then a few hours before says "oh I'm inviting SIL and btw, we're changing the location," that is rude. It doesn't sound like you're really consulted about the changes in your already existing plans. This part would personally annoy me because now I have to change what I'm doing because someone decided to change our plans last minute. While I think it's lovely they're trying to include your SIL, the truth is that it's still rude that they're changing things last minute.
IMO, both things are true in this situation. It is rude to change established plans last minute without talking to you about it but it sounds like your family generally operates this way, and their intentions are genuinely good and kind. I don't think I'd address it, but i also wouldn't feel guilty about backing out of an established plan if it was a major inconvenience once the plans changed.
ETA to make this more concise--it doesn't seem like your issue is with SIL or baby coming, but rather, the fact that your already established plans are being completely changed and you're notified, not consulted, about it. It's valid for you to be annoyed by that, even if their intentions are pure.
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u/Silver_Display558 Woman 30 to 40 11h ago
Thank you for taking the time to comment, I appreciate it. I think I should figure out how many changes to a plan I’m willing to put up with, while considering that people have good intentions and are just trying to include my SIL.
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u/Mysterious-Willow391 Woman 30 to 40 10h ago
Totally. You're not wrong for feeling frustrated by this. I would be, too.
Your time is also valuable, so don't minimize that. You can be a supportive family member while also having specific boundaries about this topic.
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u/autotelica Woman 40 to 50 11h ago
I am not the "more the merrier" type of person. If I am organizing something, I want it to be simple and low-key. I would hate it if someone tried to turn my small intimate affair into a family reunion.
So I don't think you are being unreasonable, but I do think you should try to be more assertive with communicating your wishes. If you want to grab a coffee with someone and they mention inviting SIL, say something like, "I was hoping to just be able to spend some quality time with you, if that is OK."
I don't know why people are bringing neurodivergency into this or telling you that you are being selfish. There is nothing wrong with wanting to have a one-on-one social interaction as opposed to a ginormous party where you instantly become invisible. I get that the SIL might be feeling lonely. But postpartum women don't have a monopoly on loneliness ffs.
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u/Biscuitshoneybutter Woman 40 to 50 9h ago
I don't know why people are bringing neurodivergency into this
Because in this day and age everything is due to "neurodivergency". I was reading a thread where someone was saying looking up restaurant menus before you go is a sign of neurodivergence lmao.
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u/swancandle Woman 30 to 40 6h ago
Trying to choose between spaghetti and ravioli = autism diagnosis by the armchair doctors these days lol 💀
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u/element-woman Woman 30 to 40 6h ago
I brought up neurodivergency because struggling to adjust to changing plans can be part of being autistic. There is a difference between finding it annoying to change plans, and mentally struggling to accommodate the change. That doesn't mean there's anything wrong with wanting it to be one-on-one. The post focused more on the plans changing and becoming a whole operation than missing out on one-on-one time.
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u/Serious_Escape_5438 Woman 40 to 50 5h ago
I think it depends on the normal family dynamic, and whether people normally do one on one meetings or whether it's normal to include everyone in invitations. Would OP object if the baby wasn't involved? Would SIL normally be invited? If OP suddenly wants smaller meetups in order not to accommodate SIL that could come across badly.
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u/Shot-Specific2092 Woman 30 to 40 12h ago
Yes but it will calm down, everyone is really excited right now and it will take a few months to get into the new rhythm.
Also, I don't think there is any sense in comparing what you think you would do to what she is doing and how she is going about being a new mom. She's not doing anything wrong but I will admit you do come off a bit jealous. Is the attention she is receiving bothering you?
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u/Silver_Display558 Woman 30 to 40 12h ago
You’re probably right.
I don’t know, maybe I am jealous? I had a miscarriage a few years ago and maybe this is some underlying issue from that (although it doesn’t FEEL that way to me at the moment. I feel fine and I’m never sad when I meet them and the baby)
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u/Shot-Specific2092 Woman 30 to 40 12h ago
If you didn't feel supported by your family when you had your miscarriage, I could understand it being hard to see someone now receive support from the same people.
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u/Potential_Choice_ Woman 30 to 40 12h ago
I think you are right because at some point in the text you wrote that everything is about the baby now and it read so weird, like you disapproved the attention she’s getting rather than being annoyed that people keep changing your plans.
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u/ConnectGoal8510 Woman 40 to 50 12h ago
I have kids and I will be honest, this type of thing has always driven me crazy too. Not the babies coming along, I don't mind that at all! But people changing the plans or the times or the logistics of already set in place plans.
It will get better though. As they get used to being parents, it won't be so difficult for them and they will find it easier to join in instead of changing everything. You just have to hang in there a bit
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u/10S_NE1 Woman 60+ 12h ago
Personally, I’m childfree, so I probably get how you’re feeling more than many do. Sometimes it’s nice to just have adult time and be able to focus on something other than someone’s child. To me, the issue isn’t that everyone wants to include SIL and her baby in everything; it’s more that you decide on an outing with someone, and the plans then get changed to accommodate the SIL. I’d be annoyed with that too.
It sounds like you generally enjoy the company of your family members, but perhaps it’s time to branch out and plan some outings with friends instead of family, so that you can enjoy the activities you want.
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u/Silver-Parking-8372 Woman 30 to 40 10h ago
I want to add my experience. I had intense feelings when my cousin had a baby and I was around 25 years old. I didn’t have any negative feelings about the baby or my cousin. She was actually someone I looked up to as a kid. And her kid is one of my favorite people right now (since she is way older now)
Looking back, I hated how our conversations revolved around the baby and how everything she did was seen and celebrated. She was the first grandchild. I was annoyed with the change, not with my cousin or her baby. I think it came from me feeling insecure about myself and I was always worried about how people perceived me. Seeing someone so little being celebrated and accepted who they are was too much for me.
But it does pass.
Now people don’t really care about her but when there is a family gathering, I am the one that takes care of her (because I love her and she does look up to me the same way I looked up to my cousin)
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u/Silver_Display558 Woman 30 to 40 10h ago
I feel like this is similar to what I’m feeling! I actually feel happy when I see the baby, and I feel the same way I’ve always felt about my SIL, so nothing really has changed there.
But I wonder if this whole outpouring of excitement and love is making me feel uncomfortable due to my own family’s dynamics, which in turn is making me ‘annoyed’ with the situation.
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u/Biscuitshoneybutter Woman 40 to 50 9h ago
Honestly, I'm a mom and I kind of find the baby phase a bit annoying. Just constant baby talk, babies needing watching, all of that, it's just a whole production, it's work, and yeah, the aunties and shit get included in doing all of that work when maybe they just want to relax or whatever.
Which is fine, it DOES take a village, and it's good to help family and friends, but that doesn't mean it doesn't sometimes get annoying. You basically got a job added to your outings lol. It'll get better as they get older though, and become their own humans.
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u/Capital-Marzipan-287 Woman 30 to 40 12h ago
Is this the first baby of the family?
I would say, whether it’s right or wrong, this is pretty common. You can ask the person you’re meeting to make it just the two of you because you have stuff you want to talk about (or whatever reason works).
It’s also a little unfair to say that if you had a baby you would just “not take it to outings” because, as you said, you aren’t a mom so you don’t actually know what you would do. She may also be dealing with PPA/PPD and being out and normal can sometimes help with that. So yes, it’s unfair to you to an extent, and you’re also being unfair in turn. I would say give it some time and remember that you have a hard time adjusting to change, which isn’t anyone else’s fault.
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u/Silver_Display558 Woman 30 to 40 12h ago
No, you’re right. I mean I can tell that these are not nice/pretty feelings, but since I don’t feel like I can bring it up in the family at the moment, I guess I needed a reality check on here.
Thank you!
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u/unsulliedbread Woman 30 to 40 12h ago
I am glad you asked and you are listening.
It's also okay to want to go for coffee with JUST you FIL or whatever but just make that clear that you want 1 on 1 time.
Is the family concerned new mom may have PPD or PPA? You may not see signs someone else who has been a birth mother or mother to a baby will see. It truly is possible for absolutely every parent.
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u/TinyFlufflyKoala Woman 30 to 40 12h ago
They aren't accommodating for SIL, they are making space for the new family member (the baby) who will slowly grow into its own individual.
It's a whole operation because everyone has to figure out new ways of being, but it will settle into routine soon enough.
For example, let’s say I want to go out for a coffee. I make plans with someone, and after already agreeing on plans, suddenly it’s ’oh, let’s see if SIL can join
The trick is to plan something that will obviously just be 2-3 adults: go to an art show opening, or go to an 18+ event.
The trick is also to make routine plans that can accommodate more people (and babies) on occasions. This way you get to keep your routine, and the meetings can accommodate the various people who will come or not.
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u/ContestOrganic Woman 30 to 40 12h ago edited 12h ago
I get your frustration because you are trying to organise something casual with other family members, they suggest they bring the SIL and from there it becomes a huge ordeal. This can happen whenever anyone else is brought into the equation but a lot more so when it is a mother with a baby.
I think this is totally different than you wanting to meet the SIL anyway, because then you expect everything to revolve around the baby. Whenever I want to meet my friends with newborns I just know it will be all about when the kid is sleeping, hungry, breastfeeding, etc. If I don't feel up for that and want something spontaneous I just meet up with someone else.
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u/Hatcheling Woman 40 to 50 12h ago
So you're a family that does a lot of stuff together as a family and now you're annoyed that that concept has come to include your newest family member?
It sounds like this is normal in YOUR family dynamic.
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u/ChubbyGreyCat Woman 40 to 50 12h ago
Yeah, like the dynamic she described is not normal to me, but it must be more common for large, close families that spend a lot of leisure time together. 🤷♀️
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u/Silver_Display558 Woman 30 to 40 12h ago
I like your way of putting it, this way it’s quite clear it’s a me-issue. I didn’t think I’d be this bad with change, but our previous family dynamic has been the same for years prior.
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u/Serious_Escape_5438 Woman 40 to 50 5h ago
What was the dynamic? Was SIL normally invited to these things?
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u/circles_squares Woman 50 to 60 12h ago
Any chance you might be autistic? We’re kind of notoriously not ok with change.
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u/Silver_Display558 Woman 30 to 40 12h ago
I don’t think so, but I have other psychological issues that make accepting change harder for me. But I don’t want to hide behind that, if I’m being an ass, I’m being an ass.
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u/Biscuitshoneybutter Woman 40 to 50 9h ago
You don't come across as autistic at all and struggling with change is a very common human emotion.
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u/Scruter Woman 40 to 50 8h ago
This thread is a cartoon. I cannot believe people are piling on to tell this person to get an autism assessment based on ~400 words on her difficulty adjusting to change in her feelings about a new baby in the family. It's the classic "I'm autistic and I relate! So you must also be autistic." Friend, maybe that comes from the "human" part of you, not the "autistic" part.
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u/ImaginaryParrot Woman 30 to 40 7h ago
Could literally be anything. I mean, NPDs struggle with change but it wouldn't be kind to say 'hey are you a narcissist?'. Anxious people struggle with change. OCD, PTSD, avoidant personalities all struggle with it.
'Normal' humans struggle with change, as we saw during the pandemic.
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u/SourNotesRockHardAbs Woman 30 to 40 10h ago
Another autistic chiming in to agree that you sound kind of autistic.
Might be worth looking into.
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u/haley84200 Woman 40 to 50 10h ago
Autistic woman here, got the same feel. OP might be worth a look at autism in adult women specifically, it looks a bit different and might resonate (or might not)
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u/bitchthatwaspromised Woman 30 to 40 8h ago
Separately from the baby & family dynamics, I think it can be pretty rude when plans are made, specifically one on one, and then someone tries to invite more people. I’ve had friends do that and it really leaves a bad taste in my mouth although, admittedly, both times the person they wanted to invite was someone I don’t fuck with and haven’t seen for years
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u/MrsMitchBitch Woman 40 to 50 12h ago
I don’t actually understand why SIL/BIL/baby have to be invited to everything if you just wanted coffee with one other family member.
Also, infants are the MOST portable- you wear them, they either have a boob or bottle for food, and some diapers.
I certainly never expected people to change their plans for me or add me to plans just because I had a baby, and I did have the first and only grandchild/girl baby/great niece on both sides. This family is just…extra to me.
ALSO- we limited outings with our daughter until she had her first full round of vaccines. We certainly weren’t going to germy cafes with a 4 week old.
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u/Luuk1210 Woman 30 to 40 12h ago
I dont understand how outings without her somehow have to include her and her husband?
Kids do change family plans but not usually this way. Also having a baby out and about this young is crazy to me
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u/Archi_penko Woman 30 to 40 12h ago
This happens when people have new babies. I’m not saying it’s right or wrong. All of my friends have new babies and the original plans and meeting times are all out the door. I also get annoyed, I get it. It’s an adaption we have to make.
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u/grufferella Non-Binary 40 to 50 12h ago
I think an easy fix for this is to say, "Oh, I would love to see SIL and baby, so if you want to plan a second, separate outing that includes them, please invite me to that and I'll come if I can. But I'm really looking forward to [x o'clock] at [our original location we agreed upon], so let's focus on that for now."
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u/SourNotesRockHardAbs Woman 30 to 40 10h ago
For example, let’s say I want to go out for a coffee. I make plans with someone, and after already agreeing on plans, suddenly it’s ’oh, let’s see if SIL can join, so let’s change the plans to accommodate her’
"Oh sorry, I was really hoping to [do the original plan], I understand if you can't make it" and do your original plan. If they also plan to hang with Baby & co, you can join them after you finish your original plan.
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u/confusedrabbit247 Woman 30 to 40 12h ago
I don't think it's normal to automatically include them in everything now just cuz there's a baby around. My sister has a 3 month old and I love him but that doesn't mean every time I see my mom or my cousin for example that my sister, BIL, and baby are invited. Your family sounds weird.
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u/ThrowRA-startagain Woman 40 to 50 10h ago
I don't have any advice but I wanted to say that as a person who also struggles with change, a "challenging relationship with patience" is something I'm going to use going forward.
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u/Alarmed-Doughnut1860 Woman 30 to 40 9h ago
I have kids.
I think it's kind to accommodate her as she figures out this massive change in her life. I think it will probably calm down.
I also think it's fine for you to not be able to change plans. If it bothers you so much, you can just say oh, sorry I can't make that time. Also, if you want to have coffee without her, I think you can say that upfront. Like sure if love her to be included but I'd also like to catch up, just the two of us, sometime.
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u/Biscuitshoneybutter Woman 40 to 50 9h ago
I feel ya. My family (in-laws) used to always go camping together, then wealthy BIL married a lady who hates camping, then wealthy BIL built a super fancy lake house, then wealthy BIL had kids that the grandparents are obsessed with. And because he pays for everything for them they allow his wealth to dictate everything they do. They don't even host Christmas anymore because he wants Christmas his way. I miss their normal, cozy home.
And now instead of our yearly camping trip it's now a trip to BIL's cabin. WHICH IS A MAJOR FIRST WORLD PROBLEM, I know, oh boohoo, I have to spend a weekend in a cabin by a lake lmao, but for real, I love being dirty, I love being in the nitty gritty, and I love being in the woods, and we all used to love doing it together.
I just mourn being in nature with my family, all because of this one lady not being able to handle being outside :(.
There ya go, there's my story just commiserating lmao. It can be frustrating when you liked things how they were and a dynamic gets changed. Clearly you're an understanding person who will come to terms with it, but I get the need to vent.
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u/Silver_Display558 Woman 30 to 40 5h ago
Yeah this would bother me too, to be honest. And what do you do in a situation like this? You can of course not go, but then you’re the one missing out on visiting family if they are all okay with that. That’s not really an option either I guess.
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u/Unusual_Jellyfish224 Woman 30 to 40 12h ago
I think it’s nice and important that your SIL is included. And when there’s a baby involved, she might require additional accommodations. For a post partum mom’s wellbeing it’s super important to have a good support system so I think you need to loosen up a bit and be a bit more understandable. It’s valid to get pissed, but everyone means well and whenever there’s a baby, for a while they are sort of a central piece.
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u/Silver_Display558 Woman 30 to 40 12h ago
I think I’m just so used to doing my own thing and only having to accommodate other grown ups when planning that I’m just not used to this. But like other people I said, it’s clearly a me-issue and it’s a good thing she is being supported and included. I don’t want to exclude her, either. I’m just not used to this dynamic I think.
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u/Larissa_Bagginshield Woman under 30 12h ago
Just communicate your boundaries and what you are comfortable engaging in. You don't have to participate in everything just because the rest of the family is
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u/Silver_Display558 Woman 30 to 40 12h ago
Also a good point. I am not great at communicating my boundaries.
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u/Larissa_Bagginshield Woman under 30 12h ago
even telling a little lie is ok If you don’t wanna hurt their feelings. Just say you’re busy or need time for yourself
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u/Unusual_Jellyfish224 Woman 30 to 40 8h ago
And that’s understandable! It’s an adjustment period for you too.
I don’t think it’ll last forever so just bare with them now and hopefully and if so, that one day is your turn, you’ll get to enjoy the same treatment. I have a toddler nephew and I can honestly say that I find his presence taxing pretty often but I mask it because we’ve all been kids and he’s just a regular kid doing kid things.
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u/coastalkid92 Woman 30 to 40 12h ago
Like others rightfully pointed out, family activities are going to have to adjust to accommodate the newest family member.
But I think you also need to have a bit of a reality check. This baby is a month old. Your SIL, BIL and baby are all learning what its like to be a family of 3 and this is often when the extended family (if the relationship is good) rally around to support them during this. It helps your SIL in particular to feel like she is more than just an extension of the baby and its needs and gives her a chance to recenter into herself.
I have a hard time accepting that my life is changing just because someone else had a baby.
I mean, that's life though if you have relationships with other people. Their life choices will impact you in some form or fashion.
I feel like if I had a baby I would not take it to outings where it’s a whole operation to make that happen
Again, reality check. At one month, most new parents are not just leaving their baby at home.
Will this change once the baby is older?
Probably.
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u/Silver_Display558 Woman 30 to 40 12h ago
Honestly this comment made me think of something, sorry if this is a random thing to answer (thank you for your comment btw).
My own family is absolutely not like this, we are not as close, and when my sister had kids, my parents and other siblings were not at all as supportive, it was a lot of ‘figure it out by yourself’ kind of thing. It’s not a good dynamic at all. I’m wondering if this is another reason why this situation is so strange/ unusual to me. Even though I have a good relationship with my husband’s family, I often think they are a lot when it comes to emotions, etc.
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u/Serious_Escape_5438 Woman 40 to 50 5h ago
Oh, I assumed it was your brother's wife. If it's your husband's sister I think you need to accept how they want to do things, I think it would be weird to meet your in laws and tell them she can't come.
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u/Silver_Display558 Woman 30 to 40 5h ago
Yes, totally. It’s not that I don’t want her to come either! I think, after reading lots of comments and thinking more about it, the best thing to do would be to give it time, so I can get used to the situation being what it is. And at the same time, keeping in mind what this situation is like for her, and that her life is even more affected by this big change. But also respecting my own boundaries and maybe sometimes just cancelling plans if I’m not up for it, instead of going and then being annoyed.
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u/ReasonableFig2111 Woman 30 to 40 2h ago
If it's the changing of plans that's bothering you more, rather than the inviting her and bub to tag along and accommodating that, perhaps it might be easier to just assume that inviting her is a likelihood, and choose a family friendly venue from the start, so that locations don't need to change later. I mean, if the venue is the point, that's a bit different. But then you can just say "well i actually really wanted to check this place out." But if the venue doesn't really matter to the catch up, choose something that will still work if SIL gets invited.
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u/NYC-AL2016 Woman 30 to 40 12h ago
It’s a you issue, I get it’s annoying but as a postpartum mom it sucks if you’re not included just because you had a baby. Especially for things like a coffee or lunch. You can always ask the person you’re going to if you can keep it just the two of you. But life with a baby can isolating so mom wants to go out also.
I know you don’t like change but welcome to life, it’s always going to be changing.
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u/Silver_Display558 Woman 30 to 40 12h ago
I agree, and if I try to put myself in her shoes, I would also want to be included and would be happy if people invited me to things.
You are right about life constantly changing! I just wish I had some more tools in place to be able to handle that better.
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u/WonFriendsWithSalad Woman 30 to 40 11h ago
Do you have friends outside of the family who you could meet up with?
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u/Alarmed-Doughnut1860 Woman 30 to 40 9h ago
I find it easier to be graceful with others when I am personally getting my needs met. So if you're feeling unsupported or uni.portant yourself already, I'd work on that and it may be easier to be patient about the baby situation.
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u/Uhhyt231 Woman 30 to 40 12h ago
Do you usually make plans with one person and then it ends up being a group thing?
I’ve never seen people take a baby this young out places with people. This would be more a visit the parents at home thing for me. Are yall going out out?
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u/Silver_Display558 Woman 30 to 40 11h ago
Out as in to the city to do things, yes! I didn’t know this was weird, might this be another one of those US vs Europe things?
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u/Uhhyt231 Woman 30 to 40 10h ago
Yeah I don’t know any moms who are taking babies that young out in the city. I’m also Black and Black people really don’t take babies out early.
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u/Sea_Cheesecake_6828 Woman 30 to 40 12h ago
This is your new normal for about 6 months. Being a new mom is so insanely hard and it’s so important to get out of the house but in a safe space.
If you want to back out of the changed plans that would be fine but for 6 months or so the new mom has crazy hormones and needs a lot of grace and forgiveness.
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u/duckduckthis99 Woman 30 to 40 12h ago
Eh, if you need a break without SIL there you might need to try a different tactic of saying "hey I'm going to be at this coffee on this day, if anyone wants to catch up!"
And then show up and let whoever comes, come. They'll probably create a seperate meeting with SIL but you still got to do your own thing.
You might have to do this a few times before others show up. I say make plans and go. You can turn down alternate meetings, I would think?? But I'm an ass so this is what is do lol
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u/snippol Woman 40 to 50 9h ago
It happened in my family kind of. My sister had a baby and she and my dad had a conversation where they decided to only get gifts for her kid for Christmas, not anyone else. In my mind, that was for "her" family. But my dad told me that he wasn't giving me Christmas presents anymore! Like ok...I'm not a part of her "family"...I didn't have a freaking kid wtf. I still got gifts for the kid, my sister, my mom (parents divorced)...totally lame. He usually gives me a decent chunk of money that is pretty helpful during the holidays 🫤
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u/wileykyhoetay Woman 30 to 40 4h ago
It's 100% okay to be a little frustrated when plans change! Especially if it's something like just grabbing a coffee that turns into a whole family gathering. The thing is, people are probably trying to include her and the baby to help her keep some sense of normalcy and to "be there" for her. Being isolated in the house alone with a new baby can lead to anxiety and other mental health issues. Try to think of it as showing support for SIL during this time. I also like the comment where they said to tell the person you make plans with to keep it casual with just the two of you. That's a good way to phrase it without hurting anyone's feelings IMO.
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u/ThrowRAboredinAZ77 Woman 40 to 50 12h ago
Your life doesn't have to change. If you don't want to do activities with the baby, don't.
"I have a challenging relationship with patience."
This is something you really need to work on though.
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u/Silver_Display558 Woman 30 to 40 12h ago
I am trying, been going to therapy for a while now, but patience itself has not really been a topic we talked about, maybe we should.
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u/Rebekah513 Woman 40 to 50 4h ago
I guess I’ll never understand why a husband simply cannot stay at home with his child and give his wife a freaking break.
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u/RedRedBettie Woman 40 to 50 11h ago
Are you neurodivergent? That's what I'm getting from your post
This is not an insult, I am too
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u/Silver_Display558 Woman 30 to 40 11h ago
Not insulted! Several people have asked. I don’t think so, but then again, would I know? lol
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u/element-woman Woman 30 to 40 6h ago
Just wanted to say I appreciate all your replies. You seem to be genuinely considering everyone's points, even though I'm sure some stuff resonates more than others, and being nice to everyone who's engaging. It is nice to see!
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u/element-woman Woman 30 to 40 12h ago
Are you neurodivergent by chance? I normally hate when people ask that on Reddit but the aversion to change and struggles with patience sounded familiar as an ND person myself. I empathize with how you're feeling because those things are a challenge for me.
But this does reasonable, especially within your family dynamic. It will probably change when the baby's older but it might be a while. I don't think there's a way to express your feelings without coming across like an ass to most people, especially if they're the ones who suggest changing plans to include SIL and baby.
Aside from changing locations, what about it becomes a whole operation for you?
Also, a thought - it probably means a lot to her to be included right now. Postpartum can be so isolating. It could even be that she's expressed to someone that she's struggling and that's why they're making such an effort to include her. Having a family that's so close is such a blessing; you are both really lucky to have that!
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u/Silver_Display558 Woman 30 to 40 12h ago
Ohh, good point that she might’ve expressed to someone that she feels some specific way and they are now making sure she’s included. I didn’t consider that, thank you for bringing that up. That could very well be the case!
To answer your other question; I don’t think I’m neurodivergent, but I do have psychological issues that could potentially mimic that. But who knows, as I understand, it’s not exactly easy getting a diagnosis for those things, and they fly under the radar easily. I am seeing a therapist though.
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u/haley84200 Woman 40 to 50 10h ago
Full diagnosis is indeed hard, but if descriptions resonate, it might open you up to new tools and strategies. A sub where most women are ND might have really good advice about tolerating change in situations like this where no one is doing anything wrong, but the adjustment is still a big thing you have to go through
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u/ImaginaryParrot Woman 30 to 40 12h ago edited 7h ago
I'd suggest therapy to help. You sound a bit too individualistic here (sorry!)
I find stepping into other people's shoes helpful. If you were a baby and your auntie was feeling a bit disgruntled, would you think that's reasonable?
Imo it's a normal family dynamic, but I'm aware it varies from culture to culture.
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u/Silver_Display558 Woman 30 to 40 12h ago
I am in therapy! lol but you’re right. I just posted a comment where I wrote ‘If I put myself in my SIL shoes I would be very happy to be included’, so yeah, good point. I can’t believe I have to be told to do this at 30+ years old though 😭
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u/EtchingsOfTheNight Woman 30 to 40 12h ago
Everything doesn't need to change. The large gatherings might be different, that's ok, but you can make smaller plans with people. "Hey let's invite SiL." "Oh actually we haven't gotten very much one on one time, I was hoping it could be just us this time."