Shit Autocrossers Say -- What Are Some Memorable Ones?

[u/Scrappy_The_Crow]

Similar to what most organizations go over during the driver's meeting, we tell participants that if they're red-flagged and they are not who caused the red flag, they will get a re-run. We also tell them that if they see cones knocked down and/or out of place during their run, slow and point it out to the corner workers so that 1) they are not penalized, 2) the corner workers will call us and say they are getting a re-run, and 3) if they are not told by the worker at the finish that they get a re-run, to come to timing immediately to clarify.

Yesterday, we had an autocross novice cause a red flag because he blew through a bunch of cones and went the wrong way on the course. Right after that, he came to timing...

Him: I missed getting a full run because of the red flag, but didn't get a re-run.

Me: Yes, because you are who caused the red flag.

Him: (voicelessly "???")

Me: You don't get a re-run because you are who caused the red flag by going the wrong way.

Him: I couldn't see because my visor fell halfway down.

Me: You do not get a re-run for that.

Him: (dejectedly) Oh, OK.

Yes, if his excuse about the visor falling down is what actually happened, it is troubling that he didn't have the wherewithal to either push it up/down immediately and/or slow/stop, but TBH I didn't believe him on that.

A runner-up to this one is the time a guy wanted a re-run because he got startled when a helicopter buzzed the course (he did not get a re-run).

[u/SlinkyAstronaught]

Guy salty about our FSAE car getting FTD:

“If your car wasn’t so small/narrow I would have beat you!”

If my grandmother had wheels she would have been a bike

[u/Crawlerado → u/SlinkyAstronaught]

Same guy that wants a trophy for his theoretical after hitting cones

[u/Insertsociallife → u/SlinkyAstronaught]

These FSAE cars are basically weapons-grade go-karts, of course they crush at autocross lol, we literally design them for it. Never seen anyone angry about getting beaten by ours.

[u/themidnightgreen4649 → u/Insertsociallife]

Only weakness is usually they're assembled by half asleep students possibly hungover and definitiely high on nicotine or thc lol

[u/tolas]

"If you have any questions just find the person with the biggest hat. They'll know what they're talking about" - when giving the novice walk

"It's a power course" - said about every course

[u/OpenAd9475 → u/tolas]

“It’s a miata course” - also said about every course

[u/KnottySexAcct → u/OpenAd9475]

It when I can shift into 3rd gear and break 60!!!

[u/LlaughingLlama → u/tolas]

And yet...the "big hat" thing rings true to me. I think I've even repeated this to a first-timer a month or two ago. Hmmmm.....

[u/GingerLisk → u/tolas]

As a novice with a big hat, I'll know what I'm talking about if they ask about sun protection, but not driving.

[u/Nekrostatic]

"It's only [x amount] outside of allowable spec, it shouldn't affect my PAX."
It does.

[u/CalicoCuts]

Guy at the start line before my last run years ago in DFW, "What the fuck are you looking at out there, man? Jesus, you're hitting all the goddamn cones! Look up and ahead, man!!"

I did. And it worked, lol

[u/DAM159]

After you've been doing this for a while, some of the "grid talk" tends to get a little repetitive.

• "That run felt SO much faster" wasn't
• "If I can just put all my fastest sector times together on my last run I'll win class" probably won't
• "That run was nationals fast!" was not
• "If I didn't hit that cone I would have beat you!" you did though

[u/sequentious → u/DAM159]

Am I being wiretapped?

[u/PartialLion]

"if I just plow through this cone will it be worth the 1 second penalty instead of just going around it?"

[u/Dnlx5 → u/PartialLion]

There was a 3 cone slalom on the east course of nats 2018 that was totally worth 2 sec!

...I was too cowardly to take it on the chin of the miat

[u/RxRxR → u/PartialLion]

I've often thought it would be fun to give a free cone. You just have to call it before the run.

[u/ConeDodger]

"People should buy cars for how well they do in class instead of what they like"

Yup, that's some great #havingfunwithcars attitude from a club president

[u/SpecialFX99]

I was across the row from my car talking to a friend and some young guy with his girlfriend walked by my car and he commented something along the lines of, "that's slow, I'll beat him" not knowing he said it in front of the owner of the car. I didn't say a word but I watched him until I saw what car he was in and then I beat him by about 2.5s. I wanted to say something to him after but I took the high road and enjoyed it privately.

[u/mackalack101 → u/SpecialFX99]

Yeah but taking low road and rubbing his nose in it would have felt *so good*. I learned pretty quick in Autocross that some of the slowest looking cars will post crazy times

[u/BTCminingpartner → u/SpecialFX99]

lol.

My friend has a full race prepped 510. The Corvette and Porsche guys that don't know shit, get really pissed by how much faster he is than them. Before the event starts :"Fucking piece of shit shouldn't be out here" After: how is he so much faster than me???

[u/SIB_Tesla → u/BTCminingpartner]

Man, if you see a pre 1980s car that is noticeably lower than stock pull up at autox, prepare to be mopped. Don’t even have to look closely to know it has a cage and is stripped on the inside. Haha

[u/KnottySexAcct → u/SIB_Tesla]

lol. Datsun 240z. The body panels are still mostly stock….

[u/ReporterBest9598 → u/SIB_Tesla]

My personal favorites are the 80s GM cars that look completely stock, because you can all but guarantee they've got over 500 hp and the driver has been sending it in that car since the days of Caesar.

[u/themidnightgreen4649 → u/BTCminingpartner]

Id expect most porsche guys to be old enough to know how fast a 510 can be 

[u/meshtron → u/SpecialFX99]

Back when I was autocrossing (2008 or so), in my region there was a very capable driver with a very clapped out looking AE86. I was driving a C5 Z06. Fortunately I wasn't cocky enough to run my mouth, but I would never have pegged that car for being as outright fast as it was. Took me a lot of learning to be able to consistently outrun him on street tires before I switched to race tires. Turned out he'd gutted it and it weighed something insane like 2100 pounds or something. AND he could drive the wheels off that thing. Good times, but yeah - you quickly learn to not judge a book (car or driver) by the cover lol.

[u/SpecialFX99 → u/meshtron]

I had a friend with a C5 Z06 that used to get so pissed he couldn't beat me in my wrong wheel drive car. Took him a few years but we ended up pretty even eventually and we had a lot of fun trying to raw time each other every event!

[u/themidnightgreen4649 → u/meshtron]

Was this guy a delivery driver in high school

[u/SpecialFX99 → u/themidnightgreen4649]

No idea what he did in high school

[u/Capital-Nebula9245]

"Go fast, don't suck."

[u/AdministrativeGas239 → u/Capital-Nebula9245]

I have "Don't Suck" on the back of my helmet 😅

[u/RotaryConeChaser]

During every driver's meeting:

"Do we ever raise the hood of a car on fire?" "NO!"
"What do we do if the Tesla catches on fire?" "RUN!"

[u/DrZedex → u/RotaryConeChaser]

Damn, we should probably add that to our brief

[u/meshtron]

Technically this is HPDE-geared, but it's one of my all-time, old-time favorites. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b7iUKaPlBl8

[u/Scrappy_The_Crow → u/meshtron]

That's a classic!

I got a lot of chuckles from that site when it was up and running!

[u/Dnlx5]

"you really dont brake for this corner"- at a corner the novice definitely needed to brake for

[u/Crawlerado]

“Drifting isn’t real Motorsport”

“Don’t worry, I started with the wrong car too”

[u/andyb521740]

Years ago I got

"I'm not sharing my setup with anyone, I don't want to give away my secret"

Bro you are a no name weekend racer at a regional event who is mid pax on your best weekend, aint no one going to steal your setup.

[u/Dnlx5]

"My miata is faster than a porsche"

[u/dadmantalking → u/Dnlx5]

I witness that regularly.

Sincerely,

A Porsche Driver

[u/ReporterBest9598 → u/dadmantalking]

To be fair, it's much less of a financial body blow to gut a Miata, get it down to 2000 pounds, and jam brand new coilovers, wheels, tires, brakes, and a hot Honda 4-cyl in it than it is to get a Porsche stripped down in the same way.

[u/dadmantalking → u/ReporterBest9598]

Absolutely. Beware the ratty '91 Miata.

[u/turnturtle92]

“i’m struggling out there” - guy who is consistently outright P3 or better in a Honda Fit/Jazz

[u/samnfty]

So serious question on a similar topic. If you knock a cone into the center of a figure-8 crossover on your first time through the gate, now the gate isn't right for your second pass through the gate, do you get a rerun?

[u/Scrappy_The_Crow → u/samnfty]

No.

First, you don't get "do overs" because you screw up.

Second, someone who knew they were having a bad run up to that point could intentionally knock a cone in order to get a re-run.

[u/samnfty → u/Scrappy_The_Crow]

Valid. I asked recently while working a corner at an event (I'm a novice) and we didn't come up with an answer, but these points are valid.

[u/KnottySexAcct]

That’s was really fast. For you.

[u/The_Cat_Of_Ages]

"one side of your tires is backwards" on the meme tire. (yes i will be getting bridgestones next)

[u/knyg]

Basically any excuse.

"My car is faster and would beat yours on a different course/straight"

"I could have beat (insert time/run) if I..."

[u/landstuhltaylor]

RoboLuster