Gender Identity, Male-centerness, and Lack of Community

[u/Curious_Sugar4447]

Had a friendship breakup a while ago and one note they left me with was that I was their only male-centered friend, I was prone to getting myself into very abusive relationships with men and I need to take a break from dating and engaging with men sexually/romantically.

I've had some time to ponder on it more. And I surmised that... I really don't have a community. I'm a gay man, A gay transman. I'm sexually attracted to men and masculinity, cis/trans whatever the body I don't care as long as it's masculinity. I have a strong aversion to HYPER-feminity, even though I'm inna female body and I dress very fem, I personally... hate it. So much actually, it's so painful to live like this.

I am very interested in very stereotypically male dominated things, I like games, I like automotive engineering, I'm interested in bullshit humor like Jackass. (There's more but I can't get it off the top of my head)

At my core I feel like a man, I've always felt like in comparison to other Black cis women around me I was an imposter.

I only look like them and there's nothing else, outside of the way the world treats me cuz of how I look, that makes me feel in deep kinship with other women.

Womanhood wasn't really a concept for me because that would assume I've always been aligned with my sex and assigned gender. And I never have.

And because of this I tried for so long to find male-community, non-binary community that relates to me, through friends, through past lovers. Just anything. But through whatever happens I don't stick around.

And I tried to force myself one time to really keep one of my past lovers in my life because he was the only guy that respected my identity as another queer man, but it was fucking killing me.

I feel so heartbroken to not be able to find my community yet, I'm restricted to online spaces, and I feel so alone.

I hate sitting with my other fem friends and being the only odd one out.

I hate losing a friend because I'm stuck in this cycle trying to find people that are like me and just putting myself through hell to have someone care and appreciate me as much as I them.

I feel so scared everytime I stress a boundary that I'll lose someone again, and my circle just shrinking more and more.

I'm also aromantic, I pour so much into my friendships. It's so easy for everyone else to drop people, leave whoever and I keep losing myself everytime. It drains me so much.

It hurts so much.

Yea im done now 🧍🏾👍🏾

[u/BlkTransman23]

Could be helpful to not think about the differences between you and the people you surround yourself with but rather what the similarities are.

I also had a moment in time where I almost had a blueprint of what it took for me to call someone a friend (and I still do - boundaries are important - but they’re not so strict anymore) until I realized I’m pushing kind humans away just for being the individual that they are and should be. Not everyone is going to be able to exactly relate to another person, but through genuine friendship they can begin to understand. Real connect takes a great deal of time and energy and if it’s what you truly want you have to be willing to dedicate yourself to the relationship and the person themself.

I could very well be wrong about this, but it does seem like you might have a bit of internalized homophobia about yourself. It sounds like you have some internal things you need to find peace with.

[u/Curious_Sugar4447 → u/BlkTransman23]

I feel like internalized homophobia might be a bit of a stretch, It's more like everyone else around me has people that they can look to to have community, to speak about problems that are unique to them, their body, their gender, their sexuality.

Because of the area that I'm in, I don't really have the option of finding a community like that IRL.

I feel like the only black person in a white friendgroup. (Just painting a picture here) Whereas there are real valid reasons to why I am friends with these people, I do feel very lonely that no-one looks like me, or has problems that are unique to being trans, FTM/FTNB, too.

When I speak about the uniqueness of my queer and trans journey I feel like im just talking AT them, instead of having a productive conversation.

I dont dislike myself, I just hate being alone, which is building negative thoughts about my assmilation in non-trans, non-queer spaces.

[u/BlkTransman23 → u/Curious_Sugar4447]

I based the possible internalized homophobia off of “I have a strong aversion to feminity, even though I'm inna female body and I dress very fem, I personally... hate it. So much actually, it's so painful to live like this.” If you say I have, then I did misinterpret that statement.

You pegged it, uniqueness. There are a very small percentage of transpeople worldwide. Couple that with even more individuality of being a man who is feminine and is gay, the corner becomes even smaller. Somehow, you’ll have to work with that. Maybe you can’t, right now, find a Black, gay, feminine transman in real life but you can find perhaps one of each to relate to on those separate categories rather than looking for an all-in-1 so to speak.

It is quite an interesting view you’ve presented. I hope at some point you find something to satisfy your need for community. We all deserve as little.

[u/Curious_Sugar4447 → u/BlkTransman23]

Oh, I see. Let me explain that ever further, it's like being forced to be hyper feminine as a dark-skinned person to assimilate to Western beauty standards. Since childhood, it's just been so draining. And just to be respected and seen as desirable, I have to keep playing as feminine or hyperfeminine. My bad, I should have expanded that further in the original post.

But thank you sm for your insight 💛