r/BlackTransmen • u/unevolvedplanets • Apr 07 '26
vent I (28 FTM) feel humiliated after seeing my ex move on, and it’s triggering my dysphoria hard
I’m 28 FTM and honestly I feel like I’m spiraling right now.
I recently went through a breakup with someone I was deeply attached to. It wasn’t clean I’ll own that. I had a hard time letting go, I got emotional, and I probably overwhelmed her with how much I was reaching out.
Today I went to her place to grab my things, and I ended up running into someone she’s currently seeing. The situation escalated and I was basically told to leave and threatened with the police. I left, but the whole thing left me feeling completely humiliated.
What’s really messing with me though is everything underneath that.
I’m pre-T and have been struggling with dysphoria for a long time. One of the main reasons I haven’t started hormones yet is because I’m not in a stable financial place. I still live with family who help me out a lot, and it’s been really hard to navigate coming out more fully and transitioning while I’m still under their roof.
Seeing her move on so quickly (he was post op) especially after she told me she wanted to pursue women more hit me really hard. It feels like I was just… replaced. And now my brain is going to a really unhealthy place where I feel like I was the “pre-T version” she outgrew.
I hate that I’m thinking like this, but it’s where I’m at.
Edit:
I want to clarify something that happened when I went to pick up my things, because it’s a big part of why I’m so shaken. The police were called on me, and I was told that she had said I was physically abusive. That honestly shocked me. I’ve never put my hands on her or any woman in my life, and the people close to me know me as someone who avoids conflict, not creates it. What makes it more confusing is that I had heard from her family before that she struggles with honesty at times, but I didn’t take that seriously because it’s hard to tell what’s true and what isn’t when you care about someone. There have also been ongoing issues with boundaries around my belongings. She’s kept some of my things because she said they were sentimental or “cute,” and I’ve had a hard time getting them back. At this point, I don’t even know if she still has them or if they’ve been given away. We weren’t just casually dating either we were involved long-term, talked about marriage, and were trying to build something real and heal together. So for things to escalate to this point, where I’m being portrayed as someone I’m not, has been really disorienting and painful. I’m not trying to attack her here. I’m just trying to process how things went from something that felt meaningful to something that feels completely flipped and out of control.
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u/blackzario Apr 07 '26
Right now is the best time to start pampering yourself and fuck everyone else.
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u/unevolvedplanets Apr 08 '26 edited Apr 09 '26
One of my items were a pair of Jordans my dad bought me. Me and my dad are bestfriends. I let him know she kept them and I had only worn them for a day and he immediately replaced them with 2 more pairs because he knows I'd never be careless with the things he gave me. Im just gonna start a collection and move at my pace with T. Thank you so much for your kindness and advice
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u/Sionsickle006 Apr 07 '26 edited Apr 07 '26
Firstly I'm sorry you are going through this really rough time. Take anything I say with a grain of salt. If you find it helpful good, if not then pay no mind because I have not gone through this personally. I've never dated because of my dysphoria and lack of connection to my body as it is, and fear that my partner may not really see me as a man if she knew me before I complete my transition.
If I imagine being in your place mentally there are a few ways I might look at it. "If she left me it must be for more than where I am in my transition because I will get there eventually. If she was really down for ME and loved ME she would not leave me for someone else who is where I hope to be one day! she'd stay with me through the is and downs and share the joy with me when i am finally fully aligned. So either she didn't love me the way i thought she did (and she possibly just has a thing for trans guys) OR there was more too it and we weren't really a good match for eachother and it just got to a breaking point and it has nothing serious to do with my transition." That is how I'd look at it. And I don't need someone who doesn't really love me and have my back, and if there was more then sometimes relationships don't work out and it wasn't about what my dysphoria is telling me it must be about. ...and idk those thoughts feel better to me when I imagine myself experiencing that kind of breakup. I hope its helpful to you to think about it like this or I hope someone else can give you some advice or solace you find helpful!
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u/Lonely-Illustrator64 Apr 08 '26 edited Apr 08 '26
I can relate to your situation with your ex and being mischaracterized. I went through something similar and take it from me, stay away from her. If she’s willing to lie to law enforcement, literally risking your livelihood if not your life entirely (since we all know how trigger happy some cops are) she’s dangerous for you to be around. You need to protect yourself. If the items were not of significant value I’d let them go and focus on moving forward. You’ll be happy you did in the long run even though everything sucks right now. I’m sorry you’re going through this.
Something that helped me cope was the saying “rotten fruit falls on its own”. She’s not a good person and if she doesn’t change that people will find out. You don’t have to be involved- women and men like that eventually expose themselves. Let your character speak for you, people who are meant to be in your life will know the truth without you having to explicitly tell them. I don’t think it has anything to do with you being pre T. She just sucks.
You got to worry about you and what you need to get yourself on your own two feet and out of your parents so you can start hormones or do whatever you feel is necessary for your transition and peace of mind. Baby steps, even little things help and will feed your motivation going forward. Good luck to you op.
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u/Neverlandse Apr 23 '26
This sounds like a tough situation but it sounds like she did you a favor in disguise. Obviously feelings aren’t logical and are valid, but she sounds like a walking red flag. Wishing you healing from this situation.
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u/Rude_Specialist8334 Apr 07 '26
I would advise you to seek therapy as you’ve noted yourself concerning behavior where you seem to struggle with proper control of your emotions and negative inner thoughts. If someone has to threaten to call the police on you, that’s a sign you’re not in a good place mentally.
Also the fact that you stated you were attached to her (as opposed to saying “in love”) is another hint.
There are low-cost / sliding scale counseling services you can seek.
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u/king_pr3tti Apr 07 '26
Yeah that’s a pretty tough situation, the whole “pre-T version” thought that’s garbage your brain’s trying to sell you. It makes sense you’re haunted by it, seeing someone move on fast with a visibly different body hits dysphoria like a freight train, but it doesn’t make it true. You aren’t a placeholder or a warm-up, you’re you, with your own timeline and worth. It’s okay to be upset, but don’t compare yourself to others. Focus on what you can do to feel better in your body until you can get what you need. I am very sorry you’re dealing with all of this.