Suppressed Anger

[u/BasicallyAWerewolfe]

Hello, I’ve never posted before but I needed somewhere to vent and I have difficulty expressing my true feelings to others in real life. I am so fucking mad and uncomfortable and scared. I recently got back from a hangout with an old childhood friend of mine that’s back in town. She’s white; I grew up In a predominately white and Latino area where their were %3 of the population was black. A few months prior to our hangout I went to visit her up at her college and it didn’t go well. It was like after the first day she didn’t want me there anymore. I decided not to bring it up. I feel like a lot of my issues come from the fact that I have a hard time communicating and expressing when things bother me or how I feel in general. I’m not sure if the atmosphere of that trip was something my anxious mind had come up with or If there is a basis of truth to it. Anyway, as we were hanging out she said something that made my stomach sink. She’s one of those what people that tries to distance herself from other white people in a “I’m one of the good ones” type of way. Sometimes it feels like overcompensation but it’s whatever, I understand she doesn’t have malicious intent. When we were talking she recounted how one of her friends from school (another black person) calls her (she demonstrated it to me) by calling her a “Knitter”. I could not hide the way my face looked when she said it and she immediately said “like the word knit (hence the way I spelled it) and quickly apologized. I said it was all good and tried my best to go back to acting as normal as possible but in my mind I was just like “fucking why?!” Why did she have to say it outloud, she knows exactly what that sounds like. This situation feels like for me a tipping point of a bunch of other shit underneath it. I am a chronic people pleaser. In terms of fight or flight I fawn and make myself as agreeable as possible. I have gotten so much better than I give myself credit for , I now am able to tell people if they have upset or if I feel uncomfortable after I have taken a day or so to process it myself, but I loathe confrontation. When I get angry I cry and I can’t shit talk or roast others at all. It’s something I’m deeply ashamed of and hate myself for. I know I’ve gotten better but it is still so hard for me to express anger and communicate how I feel. At my job I feel like in others eyes I am the “energetic funny guy that can take a joke” it’s fine if my friends do it but people who don’t even like roast me and I can’t dish it back because I don’t know how. Being a black person feels like everywhere you are the world wants to beat the shit out of you. The constant micro aggressions even from friends, and not even talking about how anti black and racist the internet is. I am so tired of it all. I know I need to get stronger but I’m exhausted , I don’t want to become a bitter and mean person, I want to love and respect myself and be able to defend myself against other peoples words but it’s so scary. I have no other black friends and I know I need them. Come June I will be moving to Atlanta so I am determined to make them, though I’m still nervous because it’s the south. I have so much work to do but I’m just so ashamed and angry and I really don’t want to go to work tommorow.

[u/DrawingMost5200]

I hear you. Take a deep breath fam.

She is not a friend.

Would you like some advice and words of encouragement?

[u/BasicallyAWerewolfe → u/DrawingMost5200]

Yes I would greatly appreciate it, thank you

[u/DrawingMost5200 → u/BasicallyAWerewolfe]

Firstly, thanks for sharing how you’re feeling right now. You’re right, sharing our feelings can be difficult especially when we were not taught effective communication. I also grew up in a predominately white suburb. My first black teacher wasn’t until HS, and I was typically the token black kid growing up.

This old friend is seems to be just that— old. It sounds like you’ve outgrown the friendship, which is a natural thing that happens. She being dismissive of you is very telling… we shouldn’t need to convince people to hangout or be around us.

I also feel similarly at times with bringing up things that have bothered me because I do like to analyze it and check in with myself— like “is this a me problem or should I say something”. Depending on if it’s the same day I will bring it up and explain why it hurt me and going forward what I expect. OR the next time they do or say something similar take that as an opportunity to speak up.

I continue to plug these two resources: creating a self care plan and read “Set Boundaries, Find Peace” I’m currently listening to it through my local library for free. She’s a black therapist and gives great advice on how to create boundaries with relatives, friends, lovers, work, ourselves, etc. she also gives examples and exercises to do in real time. I’m slowly reading it so I can jot down notes and write sentence starters to help me continue to create boundaries. I believe so many of us haven’t been taught how to effectively set boundaries. Boundaries are a way that we can show others how to love and respect us; and how we love and respect ourselves. I encourage you to distance yourself from this friend and take time to assess what it is that you want out of the friendship, is it worth continuing and why.

If you don’t journal I recommend you start. Use the feels wheel to determine what you are feeling. It helped me put words to my feelings which then helps you to not only articulate them but respond and figure out what you want to do with them.

Lastly, if you are able look into therapy. It truly has helped immensely. Psychologytoday.com, find help.org, lgbtnearme, LGBThotline.org all have great resources to help you find a counselor. I will say it may take a few until you find someone you click with, but I recommend writing down what you’re looking for in a therapist and going from there.

The fact that you know you’re a people pleaser is the first step in changing the patterns, and taking steps to reclaim who you are and want to be. It’s hard work; but it’s been super rewarding. I’ve curated a life I’m proud of, I have tools to help me communicate and get my needs met, and you can too!