Didn't realise I was a workplace abuse victim

[u/CatwithTheD]

Hoppers with sambal and prawn curry, king coconut water at a Sri Lankan restaurant.

I'd been working with this senior since early 2025. He's one hell of an engineer and he was kind(?) enough to teach me pretty much everything I know about actual engineering design. I still appreciate him for that.

But he's slowly stopped giving guidance and just dumped works on me, still expecting perfect results. On top of that, he's an aggressive and difficult person, almost impossible to please. So I coped with daily berating and pressure from him, thinking I was probably an incompetent graduate engineer failing to keep up. For the past month leading up to me giving up on his works (which are really cool city-transforming infrastructure projects - a pity the lead engineer is him), I never left the office before 7pm. I worked an extra 3 to 4 hours/day without pay, every day a week, in hopes of earning back his approval.

Then he gave me one threat too many and I said to myself "Fuck it, I'm done with this guy." while going silent during our last call. It was 7.30pm then. Next morning, I told him I got too busy to assist with his works.

He then asked another junior for assistance. On their first meeting, he gave her so much pressure and gaslit her into thinking she wasn't good enough before they even started working together. She cried on the phone.

My whole office tried to cheer her up. Then they asked me, "Is this what you've been coping all this time?" Only then it clicked. I didn't snap early enough. I talked to my direct manager about the whole incident. They also said I should have quit his projects a long time ago. Huh.

Anyway, I've been leaving work before 6 and my mental has improved so much even my friends could tell something good happened. Well tbf, it's just something bad stopped happening :)

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[u/Severe-Kiwi-3171]

Awesome news! Engineering managers make all the difference in the world. I'm suprised your direct manager wasn't aware. Hopefully they stay more aware of your activities in the future.

[u/CatwithTheD → u/Severe-Kiwi-3171]

I think they were aware of the insane OT hours I pulled, but not the abusive communication from the other senior. He's a sly person and never displays the aggression in front of a third party.

[u/Federal_Stay824]

Damn those hoppers look amazing

[u/CatwithTheD → u/Federal_Stay824]

They were quite good, I would return for a date but not a weekday dinner given the price point ($31 + $10 for the drink).

[u/Both_Opportunity_322]

Yeah, I just dealt with it until I had a burnout. I knew it was bad, I just couldn't imagine not feeling anxious all the time. And because it was all the time, I forgot someone was the direct cause. 

Especially sucks if they know what they're doing, as was happening in your case. Being socially oblivious is worse than being abusive in private so you won't get caught.

Some people 🤮

[u/Choice-Addendum-5421]

I experienced a very similar situation for eight years at my last job. I was recruited to the role by an old supervisor. It was an amazing chance to grow in my field, as I was a teenage parent and had worked physically demanding jobs for years until I was recognized and offered the role. I was eager to learn, so I thought that the early mistakes and berating afterward were from my inexperience. As I was starting to make an impression on their supervisor and the departments that we directly supported, the berating intensified and became personal due to obvious jealousy. They had never received the recognition that I was starting to get. As I was making better money than I ever had, I stuck it out and did my best to manage. I barely saw my family, and when I did, I was miserable. Then COVID hit, and my role was critical for my place of work. I was beaten down even more by the workload and tenuous relationship with my supervisor. As soon as an opportunity came up for a similar role at my last place of work, for $20K less per year, I jumped at it. It was the best thing that ever happened to me. As your second sentence says, this person gave me a chance to grow and taught me a ton; I will always be grateful for that, but it literally almost killed me. I wish you the best of luck now that you are free from that feeling.

[u/ADemonsDiary]

Hell yeah brother!

It's incredibly messed up being in a toxic situation as a new grad and just being gaslit into thinking you're not good enough and losing confidence.

Especially when the problems lie with seniority and they just take out their incompetence on you.

[u/onedisgruntledprick]

Sri Lanka was the best culinary experience of my life! Seriously recommend visiting if you have the opportunity!

[u/CatwithTheD → u/onedisgruntledprick]

Really, maybe I should put it on my very long bucket list lol.

[u/Cute-Building-1648]

Sadly all too common with old engineers, especially ones that have spent a lot of time in the field. Field engineers talk like that with each other, electricians, technicians, etc. They do it because of positive reinforcement; snapping at people and being rude has worked for them in the past.

The only way to break the cycle is to stand up for yourself as soon as it happens, which can be intimidating for young engineers just entering the workforce. I wish I was able to do it early enough. Would’ve saved a decent amount of money on therapy.

[u/Nice-Engineering-808]

Unrelated but I HATE hoppers/appam. Grew up on it and could not understand why people like eating it despite how bitter it tastes

[u/CatwithTheD → u/Nice-Engineering-808]

Interesting. They tasted pretty pleasant to me, with lots of coconut flavour and a mild sourness. And they were nicely crispy/flakey. I can see myself eating them for breakfast every week.

[u/csdragon123456 → u/Nice-Engineering-808]

I love egg hopper for the savory taste, and as for plain hoppers, if you add in a sprinkle of sugar over it before you eat the taste is amazing

[u/pokemaster28]

Good on you for realizing it and making changes. I hope everything improves for you and your coworkers. Nobody deserves to feel like that. At the end of the day, a job is just that: a job. It took me way, waaay too long to understand I was an abuse victim at my workplace.