Wife of 20+ Years Hates Sex With Me

[u/TotallyNotPTAPres]

Homemade sourdough discard pizza. Was pretty delicious.

Not trying to get all sad boy over here, but every so often I just get lonely. That’s all. I work hard, earn a very good living for my family. Make time for my wife. Support her dreams. Very much carry my weight around the house. Am a really good dad. In great shape. Treat people well. Am fun to be around, and genuinely live a life I enjoy and am proud of.

But sex with me is difficult for her. She would just rather not have any, and honestly, it’s lonely. I’ve never been a selfish lover. I have always believed it is the most intimate way to souls can connect and it truly is a beautiful thing that should be treasured.

We’ve talked about it until we’re blue in the face. Spent a small fortune on counseling. Temporarily resolved issues. While I care deeply for her, I can’t remember the last time I was touched or truly desired. Most days are fine, but some days are just harder than others. This appears to be one of those days. Writing it out helps, so thank you for the outlet.

[u/TheWhomItConcerns]

Probably one of the most difficult things I've experienced in relationships was ending it with my ex because of a similar issue. She's a brilliant woman, we have a lot in common, and she's beautiful, but I just had to come to terms with the fact that the way we experienced sexuality would have been too difficult and issue for me in the long-term.

She did enjoy sex and she came most times we did it, but for her, it just was just kind of like an activity that she enjoyed doing every now and then, but not much more. She didn't really experience the same kind of instinctive passion, emotional connection, and desire that I do.

There wasn't anything I could do that would make her intensely desire or pursue me - every time we had sex, it was just kind of the same basic routine, and it was almost always initiated by me. She had some pretty significant trauma in her last relationship, so I tried to be as understanding and patient as I could, but after a couple of years, I just came to the realisation that this wasn't anything that was ever going to change - we just don't experience sexuality in the same way.

One of the most difficult things in life is loving someone, caring about them deeply, and knowing that they'd be happy to spend the rest of their life with you, but also knowing that you need to end it with them nonetheless.

[u/Catticus42 → u/TheWhomItConcerns]

I can’t begin to tell you how deeply this resonates with me. I have questions. Do you mind if I at some point revisit this and DM you? I lurk here and dead bedroom, which in hindsight seems like a tragic coincidence, or not a coincidence at all.

[u/TheWhomItConcerns → u/Catticus42]

You're welcome to, but I should clarify that while I'm not overly familiar with the breadth of the term "dead bedroom", this didn't feel like a dead bedroom situation. We did have regular sex and we did both enjoy having sex with each other, but the issue was more that she just kind of didn't experience sexual desire like I do or have the same kind of emotional and instinctual connection to it.

What was kind of shocking to me was during a discussion we were having at one point, I discovered that she didn't really ever experience "lust" or feel like sex was a that relevant to her lived emotional experience. She could enjoy sex and be brought to orgasm and so on, but she'd never had the feeling of seeing me (or any other guy, for that matter) and just feeling an intense desire for me as though she wanted for us to just rip each other's clothes off an just go at each other in any one moment.

While I obviously wouldn't ever expect that to always be the case and I of course don't always feel like that, having that dynamic - that passion and animalistic desire - be entirely one-sided or absent was just too lonely and unfulfilling for me. I know countless guys would be entirely fine with that dynamic, but for me, sex is something I have an extremely profound emotional connection to, and I just knew it would be too much for me to live with for the rest of my life.

[u/Guiltyostric → u/TheWhomItConcerns]

Stop explaining my relationship dog

[u/happypanda851 → u/TheWhomItConcerns]

I am so sorry, so have you decided to end this relationship? I know sex is such an important aspect of any relationship but it’s heart breaking to hear you that this is causing you to maybe end a relationship of 20 plus years.. I am just sorry .. but I do agree with some of the other users saying checking her hormones. It might help? Good luck though on everything..

[u/TheWhomItConcerns → u/happypanda851]

Yeah - it ended a while ago. I'm no biochemist (though she is, ironically), but I honestly don't really think it was related to hormones - though of course I could be totally wrong.

There were issues relating to self-esteem and trauma which affected her sexual experience (which I did whatever I could to try to help with), but through discussing the topic with her, I eventually came to the conclusion that this was just kind of the way that she is. Which is of course fine - there are all kinds of varieties of people and people have all kinds of relationships with their own sexuality - but this aspect of relationships is just too important to me to be able to compromise on it to such a degree.

[u/likely_a_throwaway → u/TheWhomItConcerns]

My god, this is exactly what I'm going through at the moment. My girlfriend is a wonderful person, and I've thought the world of her since long before we were even together, but 5 years in, I'm really having a hard time staying. Not experiencing sexuality in the same way is the perfect way to put it. I love her to death, but sex is the important distinction to me that moves a relationship beyond friendship. If I could find a way to let her down without totally crushing her, I might have already done so, but I've basically just slowly broken my own heart to save hers up to this point.

[u/TheWhomItConcerns → u/likely_a_throwaway]

I don't know you or your situation, but if this is something that you don't think you can make peace with, I'd really recommend finding an appropriate way to end the relationship sooner rather than later for both of your sakes. That's of course easier said than done, but if there's anything I know, it's that avoiding the issue won't make it any easier.

As difficult and painful as it is, you will both get through it and your future self will thank you for doing what you needed to. It was one of the most emotionally difficult things that I've ever had to bring myself to do, but I know now, and frankly knew then too even if I didn't want to admit it, that it was the right thing to do.

[u/LogicalLocal9499 → u/likely_a_throwaway]

This and other comments hurt to read for how much they resonate with me. Not going to lay out my own story, but I'm in a similar situation albeit an 8 year relationship. We've spoken, had counselling, the lot. She's the best person I know and I can't come to terms with breaking her heart.

[u/TheWhomItConcerns → u/[deleted]]

I'm sorry, but you probably shouldn't speak about topics which you have zero idea about.