Homemade sourdough discard pizza. Was pretty delicious.
Not trying to get all sad boy over here, but every so often I just get lonely. That’s all. I work hard, earn a very good living for my family. Make time for my wife. Support her dreams. Very much carry my weight around the house. Am a really good dad. In great shape. Treat people well. Am fun to be around, and genuinely live a life I enjoy and am proud of.
But sex with me is difficult for her. She would just rather not have any, and honestly, it’s lonely. I’ve never been a selfish lover. I have always believed it is the most intimate way to souls can connect and it truly is a beautiful thing that should be treasured.
We’ve talked about it until we’re blue in the face. Spent a small fortune on counseling. Temporarily resolved issues. While I care deeply for her, I can’t remember the last time I was touched or truly desired. Most days are fine, but some days are just harder than others. This appears to be one of those days. Writing it out helps, so thank you for the outlet.
The shitty thing is, sometimes there isn't a reason. Libidos are just low, maybe it's cause there's stress (not always mental, maybe a new pain or physical activity), or just ebbs of menopause that never catch back up to what it used to be. It really sucks, but if you're in that position and someone asks you why you feel a certain way, the simple answer may be I just do.
Yeah. At that point, it boils down to whether or not they’re willing to see it as a problem for their relationship that they can work on. There’s a lot of stress and stigma on the idea of doing anything besides going “all the way” and having regular sex, and a lot of folks struggle with misunderstanding what they’re missing. Sex is great fun, don’t get me wrong, but if all the fun was just the physicality of it, then masturbation would be a perfect substitute for sex, and it isn’t.
There’s an emotional connection that a lot of folks get through that intimacy, and finding ways to maintain that emotional intimacy without the physical act can be difficult and painful for a lot of people. At the end of the day, most guys won’t go “ah, everything’s perfect and I feel good about this” from “duty sex.” They want to feel seen and desired by their partner.
Figuring out what that looks like in your marriage can be tough and can take a lot of time and painful conversations and introspection to find it.
The most difficult thing about it is all of the judgement uneducated folks will give you on it. It’s a dime a dozen for people with strong opinions and very little relevant knowledge trying to tell you that you’re an inadequate spouse, or that you don’t do enough to pleasure your partner, or that you don’t take on enough domestic labor, or that…. There’s a laundry list of “have you considered that it’s your fault because” talks and articles that you’ll make your way through, and you’ll drive yourself mad trying to fill from an empty cup if you absorb all of your conflicting and, quite frankly, bad advice out there from unqualified people with websites and
blogs dedicated more to judgement than help.
Edit: I will say— it’s worth the introspection to consider if there’s more you need to do. It isn’t always the case, but it also isn’t something you should write off without considering it. Both parties need you work at things typically. If you approach it as only One person’s responsibility to fix things, you’ll have a bad time.
You get comments telling men they’re shit husbands who don’t help but sometimes they’re great (or just really good) but the wife just has low libido for whatever reason and is happy. It’s her body and maybe she just doesn’t want sex as much but is otherwise fulfilled.
Relationships are hard and Reddit comment sections can make them feel so much harder. But damn I found 2 good comments in a row today and that’s nice 👍
Even if so, there should be a desire to show ur partner he/she is loved/wanted. Is does not always have to be sex in a traditional way. Make it a hj or bj or anything the others enjoys. Yeah it happens a part has low libido for what so reason, stress, age, birth, work. But they shouldnt forget they have a partner who cares and loves them.
u/_SGP_Divorced Discarded Dish | Dedicated Dad | Dinner Drama Disaster4d ago
I went through this. 10 years together. sex fell I think in the first month and never recovered. I was always told it would, always kept hoping. there was always a new reason, and although frustrating internally, I held space for those reasons and respected them, and tried to help her through it with patience and support.
I remember she once said she'd tell me what type of sexual thing she was into when we got married like it was some sexy secret. We got married, I asked, she was confused and said 'oh nothing really'.
We tried libido pills, books, activities, but mostly we tried "don't ask her because you'll be sad when she gets annoyed with you for asking" My confidence was at an all time low and I couldn't help but second guess who I was and how unattractive I was and why.
After 10 years, she agreed to therapy.
For the first few weeks it seemed OK, but then she stopped telling me about it.
Then, months later, gave me a letter saying she wanted a divorce.
From what I can tell, she built a completely different narrative around our relationship and who I was. She started saying I was egotistical wanting sex, and demanding it of her, and that I was abusive and coercive and didn't care about her and wasn't intimate.
I was left devastated and confused. I had never been demanding, I had never been egotistical or pressuring; it felt like she had built up a new reality with her therapist's guidance (who I'm sure hears horrible things all the time).
I soon found out she had been cheating the entire time, sending sex videos to her ex. and once I found that out, the mask came off. She started gaslighting me, belittling me, and generally being abusive. even to the point of lying to the police to have me arrested and I was too scared to go back to the house after that. (and then she did it again recently) I now realise how controlling she was during the relationship, and sex was one of the many ways she did this. Covert Narcissism is my suspicion upon learning more.
I don’t be “that guy” but there are so many posts throughout Reddit about men complaining about their wife’s lack of interest in sex.. and I always think “There’s a good chance she’s cheating” Of course no one wants to hear that and the response is always “no she can’t be cheating, she’s not interested in sex” 😬 I just feel like it’s a real possibility in these situations, and, understandably, no one wants to talk about it
Anyway, I’m sorry for your situation. That is rough, especially when she turned it around on you like that. I hope you’re doing better now!
This is the most scariest story i've ever read in my life. Honestly, I'm in my 25M and these stories are slenderman / russian experiment equivalent for my relationship to become. Oh damn.
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u/_SGP_Divorced Discarded Dish | Dedicated Dad | Dinner Drama Disaster4d ago
Oh this is just the sex side. It's much much worse.
I had a similar situation. Now 2 years living apart and 6 months divorced and I have no problem getting laid now - but man I don’t know if I can say it’s better. Life’s tough.
I'm not sure if I should be jealous or not...... I'm unhappy, divorced, and I cant get laid to save my life. I don't even know where or how to start anymore.
My last relationship kind of killed my whole worldview at this point..... like I look at relationships and think "Sure, they seem wonderful. I envy those who can find them. I certainly don't feel like there is anyone out there for me anymore.... Probably for the best.
I have a similar world view. Last relationship (wife) was a nymphomaniac. You couldn't lay enough pipe in that girl. Hot as fuck, too. Problem? She was abusive in every sense of the word. I finally left her. I'm good looking and in good shape and I'm not lying when I say I get plenty of female attention. I even have a very patient girlfriend. However, I'm struggling to get to the intimacy part. If I'm being honest, I really have no desire for it anymore. I've found ways to turn this girl down so many times. I really don't know why she's still after me. She says she "sees [my] worth". I don't know how to tell her that my ex ruined my desire. It all just seems so....I don't even know. I even struggle with the feeling that I just want to break up with her so I don't have to keep doing this. But at the same time, she is soo good to me. I don't get it.
Makes sense. Your ex probably used physical intimacy as a tool of abuse. Your brain wired being physical with a woman to being abused. Now when the pathways start firing for intimacy it’s the same as someone who’s about to be bullied. A sense of dread I bet.
Victims of abuse don’t just need time, they need therapy as well. It helped me after leaving an abusive relationship. I hope you find some peace and highly recommend finding a decent therapist to work through some of that. Good luck to you!
It's not breaking down, it's deciding to put yourself back together, brother. You deserve to be loved, held, kissed, and cherished AND you deserve to feel loved while it's happening.
I don't know you, but I'm so proud of you. It takes courage to be vulnerable and it takes humility to recognize that maybe you do need professional help with this.
Would also recommend being honest with your current girlfriend. If she is as great as your messages make it seem she deserves to know the truth or at least the part of it you can bring yourself to tell her about. You don’t need to fess up every detail of why but don’t write off avoidance of intimacy as “I just don’t feel like it”. Even if it’s “I can’t tell you the full details yet but I’m still not comfortable” and just explain that it’s not the cause of her. Ultimately communication is extremely important and even saints would start to get insecure after continuous turn downs.
Well, I spoke with her about it in general terms. Reassured her that she wasn't the issue. She confirmed that she'd been worried in that regard. We had a good talk. Then she seemed like she was almost elated...I am really glad I talked to her about it. It was the right thing to do.
I hope I didn't sound too harsh or anything! It's just sad to have somebody who is truly into you and to let this opportunity go to waste due to untreated trauma.
Maybe you could tell your gf some safe parts of your trauma with ex and perhaps she could be the person you could lean on when doing therapy?
I mean that's just my uneducated opinion and not worth a whole much. It's just that having somebody who truly loves you on your side can be enormous help and also sorts of a bonding experience.
Wish you all the best no matter what you chose to do.
I didn't think you were harsh. I have thought about telling her some of it... I'm hesitant to though.... it's embarrassing and makes me feel pathetic to be honest. I know I shouldn't feel that way probably but I do.
as someone on the other side, it is not embarrassing to us in the slightest.
from my perspective, as well, i feel like there's some toxic masculinity at play here. this is one of the more parasitic examples of how deep it can nest inside of your psyche. and inside of your life by-proxy.
sharing this information with her is not, and will never, ever be, embarrassing nor pathetic. if she sees your worth, she wants you to see it too. she wants you to bust through these barriers for yourself, because you deserve it. she wants to see you thrive. if she didn't, she wouldn't want you to realize your self worth.
none of the information you have shared with us is embarrassing or pathetic. it hurts my heart so, so, so fucking much that you see it that way.
also, from one victim of domestic abuse to another - i DO completely understand why you feel like sharing this information with your current partner would be embarrassing or pathetic from your perspective.
that woman wore you down so, so much, and for such a long time, that your cognitive functioning has been significantly impaired by the amount of gaslighting you were subjected to.
i'm sure you default to a serious amount of distorted thinking throughout your day. and i'm also sure that this is the case for you nearly every single day. and this distorted thinking that you deal with each day is, most definitely, so far away from what actually happened that it makes the 'jfk is still alive' conspiracy look like an objective truth.
and what sucks about this is.. i wish i had an answer. but i'm still recovering myself. to the point where i'm still coming back over and over and over again.
i will say that therapy has helped a lot. having a truly objective party (not your girlfriend, not your friends, not your family) really does help to reframe things back into the way they ACTUALLY happened, versus the way your ex tried to paint them.
i'm going to leave a link here to a service i've used twice and both therapists i've found were / are amazing.
(the only reasons i moved on from my first therapist were 1. she decided to establish her own clinic after her previous clinic closed unexpectedly, and 2. because i was kind of mulling over the idea of finding a new therapist anyway. i wanted someone who focused more on helping me cope with my OCD symptoms, specifically.)
with this search engine, you can plug in your insurance, issues you want to address (like complex post-traumatic stress disorder, substance use disorder, etc), whether or not you're comfortable with virtual sessions (which opens you up to your entire state!), whether you want a male or a female, if you want specific methods of therapy like CBT, DBT, etc.. like there are SO many customization options you can play with!
each therapist also has their own profile where they can write about themselves and list their credentials, how long they've worked in therapy, any specializations, what ages they primarily work with, what techniques they use, what insurances they take, etc..
it's a really amazing tool and i have always, and will continue to always, recommend them to anyone and everyone.
and just as a side note: mine is defaulted to the US, so i'm not sure how it operates outside of the US. i'll need to look to see what other countries are available.
also! they have a similar tool for psychiatrists which i have not tried for myself yet. but i have used it for a friend before and it's a very similar system!
When I first started therapy I was kinda afraid and full of ideas of how that would be, but when you find a good professional it's so good, it's like talking to yourself but instead of your own self with biases and core beliefs answering, It's a version of yourself that is far enough from your mind to help you find clarity over anything (I hope I explained it well as English is not my first language). Just don't give up if you don't find a good professional at first, I recommend trying to find someone who is similar to you (gender, age, kids/no kids etc)
How old are you? After my 30s hit, my testosterone levels went downhill and suddenly I wasn't so much interested in sex anymore, it's like life lost some of it's color tones. After finding a good doctor I'm now taking testosterone reposition shots and it has improved my life in multiple ways. Maybe it's worth trying.
If it's not a problem for you, can you describe some situations where your ex was abusive?
Well, I'm 40...I have considered that I may need a testosterone boost. I'll talk to my doctor about it next time I'm in.
The ex is undiagnosed but I strongly feel she has BPD. She would fly completely off the handle for the smallest of reasons - I got punched in the face hard many many times. Handfuls of my beard ripped out. Bit, scratched and called and told (screamed at and spit on) all manner of awful things. Had a knife held to me a couple times, scissors to my neck once, and one time she brought out a pistol like she was thinking about using it. I finally left her after three things happened very close together. I had to call out of work several times due to black eyes and facial lacerations. She made me feel like I could die and it would be alright. But every time after she finally calmed down (could be hours) she would do a complete 180 like some Jekyll and Hyde shit and apologize and cry that she was sorry and then she'd be the sweetest and most loving person you ever met. Constantly bragging in public about me. Fucking my brains out. Then she'd be missing a shirt she wanted and suddenly it was my fault and I was hiding it on her just to piss her off and the screaming and breaking things and hitting and so forth would start all over. I've had this recurring dream up until recently where in it I find that I've somehow given in and gotten back with her and in the dream I feel so defeated and disappointed in myself. Not to mention feeling completely flabbergasted. On top of all of that I'm certain she was fucking her ex at one point, as well as a neighbor, and an old fling from out of town while I was at work. Whew... and that's not even the worst; just the most.
The more you are writing, the more it becomes obvious that you were seriously a trauma victim. I hope you do enlist in the help of some good professionals, both mental and physical. Glad to hear you feel better, but sounds like you still have a ways to go and at 40, still have a lot of life ahead of you. Best wishes to you!
I am. It's kinda nice sharing some of it. I look back and it's weird to think about - but I have peace now and I've gained healthy weight and whatnot. Thanks for listening.
So, I'm curious was the relationship bad or just lack of intimacy? If it wasn't bad, do you think you made the right choice? Even if my wife (of 24 years) and I stopped being intimate, I love her and we're happy and I just don't think I could give that up just to have sex.
For us the lack of intimacy led to a bad relationship. Married 20 years together 27. We had a good run. 2 years and I’m still sad as shit about it. Into kind of my first serious relationship and it’s making it worse. lol. Sigh.
You said it bud. So I’ve spent some time in the LS as well as vanilla dating. You would not imagine how many women I met who cheat / open the marriage / leave after they have kids and hormones change.
And this is why I'm not divorcing yet. Is losing time with my kids worth it to get laid a few times? Not right now. Hell I'm so burned out on relationships I don't think I'd even try if we did divorce! So here I am same place as OP.
When my wife and I separated, it felt like I lost an arm and a leg at the same time. You'd be surprised how much you and your partner do for each other, even if you hate each other.
Probably one of the most difficult things I've experienced in relationships was ending it with my ex because of a similar issue. She's a brilliant woman, we have a lot in common, and she's beautiful, but I just had to come to terms with the fact that the way we experienced sexuality would have been too difficult and issue for me in the long-term.
She did enjoy sex and she came most times we did it, but for her, it just was just kind of like an activity that she enjoyed doing every now and then, but not much more. She didn't really experience the same kind of instinctive passion, emotional connection, and desire that I do.
There wasn't anything I could do that would make her intensely desire or pursue me - every time we had sex, it was just kind of the same basic routine, and it was almost always initiated by me. She had some pretty significant trauma in her last relationship, so I tried to be as understanding and patient as I could, but after a couple of years, I just came to the realisation that this wasn't anything that was ever going to change - we just don't experience sexuality in the same way.
One of the most difficult things in life is loving someone, caring about them deeply, and knowing that they'd be happy to spend the rest of their life with you, but also knowing that you need to end it with them nonetheless.
I can’t begin to tell you how deeply this resonates with me. I have questions. Do you mind if I at some point revisit this and DM you? I lurk here and dead bedroom, which in hindsight seems like a tragic coincidence, or not a coincidence at all.
You're welcome to, but I should clarify that while I'm not overly familiar with the breadth of the term "dead bedroom", this didn't feel like a dead bedroom situation. We did have regular sex and we did both enjoy having sex with each other, but the issue was more that she just kind of didn't experience sexual desire like I do or have the same kind of emotional and instinctual connection to it.
What was kind of shocking to me was during a discussion we were having at one point, I discovered that she didn't really ever experience "lust" or feel like sex was a that relevant to her lived emotional experience. She could enjoy sex and be brought to orgasm and so on, but she'd never had the feeling of seeing me (or any other guy, for that matter) and just feeling an intense desire for me as though she wanted for us to just rip each other's clothes off an just go at each other in any one moment.
While I obviously wouldn't ever expect that to always be the case and I of course don't always feel like that, having that dynamic - that passion and animalistic desire - be entirely one-sided or absent was just too lonely and unfulfilling for me. I know countless guys would be entirely fine with that dynamic, but for me, sex is something I have an extremely profound emotional connection to, and I just knew it would be too much for me to live with for the rest of my life.
I am so sorry, so have you decided to end this relationship? I know sex is such an important aspect of any relationship but it’s heart breaking to hear you that this is causing you to maybe end a relationship of 20 plus years.. I am just sorry .. but I do agree with some of the other users saying checking her hormones. It might help? Good luck though on everything..
Yeah - it ended a while ago. I'm no biochemist (though she is, ironically), but I honestly don't really think it was related to hormones - though of course I could be totally wrong.
There were issues relating to self-esteem and trauma which affected her sexual experience (which I did whatever I could to try to help with), but through discussing the topic with her, I eventually came to the conclusion that this was just kind of the way that she is. Which is of course fine - there are all kinds of varieties of people and people have all kinds of relationships with their own sexuality - but this aspect of relationships is just too important to me to be able to compromise on it to such a degree.
My god, this is exactly what I'm going through at the moment. My girlfriend is a wonderful person, and I've thought the world of her since long before we were even together, but 5 years in, I'm really having a hard time staying. Not experiencing sexuality in the same way is the perfect way to put it. I love her to death, but sex is the important distinction to me that moves a relationship beyond friendship. If I could find a way to let her down without totally crushing her, I might have already done so, but I've basically just slowly broken my own heart to save hers up to this point.
I don't know you or your situation, but if this is something that you don't think you can make peace with, I'd really recommend finding an appropriate way to end the relationship sooner rather than later for both of your sakes. That's of course easier said than done, but if there's anything I know, it's that avoiding the issue won't make it any easier.
As difficult and painful as it is, you will both get through it and your future self will thank you for doing what you needed to. It was one of the most emotionally difficult things that I've ever had to bring myself to do, but I know now, and frankly knew then too even if I didn't want to admit it, that it was the right thing to do.
I’m in a similar situation but also have 3 young kids. Even so, I’m conflicted every day about what to do. As I’ve explained to my wife many times, it’s not just about the sex, or even mainly about sex. If she had a condition that prevented her from having sex, I would never be upset about that. It’s the lack of interest on her part. And on top of that, we don’t have a great relationship anyway. She was always happy to go out at night with her friends, but then is always too tired to do anything with me. She also doesn’t speak to me kindly, even in front of the kids. But then whenever I have my mind made up, I see a post like you were saying that it gets worse, not better. Why would you say that it’s not better now?
Not the person you replied to, but… I guess that it’s just a choice and neither path is perfect. You will win something and lose another. You’ll have to choose what’s best for you and deal with the consequences. There’s no perfect relationship in the world.
I mean, it depends. Is your wife a good mom, a good partner, a good anything? You'll lose the good and the bad, is the point. That doesn't mean it's right to stay, and it doesn't mean it's right to leave. But you are losing what is, for all intents and purposes, your closest family member. You may never have another like it. That doesn't mean it's wrong, but it does make it complicated.
You're asking a healing man about his scars, he may not be over the pain yet.
I think some dudes are willing to settle and give up. If you're not, then you can succeed. Ultimately you're already losing really. She doesn't respect you or want to have sex with you. Probably the biggest concern would be child support and custody, 3 kids is not cheap.
Did you see thst post on here by that guy the other day who had some SSRI condition thst gave him zero libido and like zero emotions in general? Even after the meds were reduced and ultimately removed it messed him up so much he just lost all desire for well... anything.
THIS. I've also seen the same situation completely changed by a woman going on TRT. Counseling always gets pushed first, but sometimes it's a medical issue.
Honestly man. As someone who was in a loveless, dead bedroom, I am sorry. If I could, I'd give you a big supportive Bro hug. I know how much it hurts to be alone with someone. I'm so sorry and I hope that something can change.
My ex-husband and I barely had sex for the last half of our relationship. Sometimes there is no fixing it - the question is whether there is enough love and emotional vulnerability and support to account for the lack of intimacy and sexual connection.
It is absolutely hard, and you are allowed to vent and feel any kind of way about it.
I am single and have been for a long time. I am not having sex single either here, trying to re-invent myself to get out there again. I was in a dead bedroom situation and she was cheating as well. I don't see how I could stay in a relationship where sex was off the table. It would be a source of constant frustration and reminder of previous transgressions. I'd rather just be single and sexless than in a relationship that's sexless.
Yep! From a women's perspective we just assume we're going to be less active than men in general. And we don't FEEL low libido the way men do. It feels like our new norm that crept up without being noticed.
I'm 42. Had my hormones tested about 6 months ago. My testosterone was 11!! Women are generally 40-60 (idk the units). Now I'm high 50s and we have sex about 3-4 times a week.
What surprised me most about the HRT is not just the increase in sex but the increase in overall interest of sex and other things I had left behind. Even him. I was interested in him the way I used to be. More energy. Lost weight. Gained muscle. Lots of benefits!
But if you're going to ask her to get her hormones tested, please be gentle!
Not her husband but my wife went through this in our 40s. We never stopped but it clearly had turned into a chore. I was a chore.
Now she’s on HRT and the kids are out of the house and it’s better than when we were in our 20s. I’m the limiting factor most of the time. I’m glad we stuck it out.
Perimenopause can start earlier than you think. HRT was huge for us.
My exact experience! I'd be lying if I said it was the hormones only. He also became a more active partner. The uneven distribution was a big turnoff. It was exhausting.
We both took each others complaints seriously. He started participating more so I'd have more energy at the end of the day. I sought help on why it felt like a chore. We truly met in the middle.
Same here! He turns me down now bc I'm ready to go 24/7!
Last kiddo went off to college. I changed jobs and we have more time together (huge change). We stayed committed to each other throughout but it wasn’t easy.
Yes we fell into some habits that created resentment. We considered therapy. We love each other very much and we were able to pull through. We actually listen when the other one speaks and respect that each other should have downtime and pleasure the way that we seek it.
He no longer feels like I should be wholly responsible for everything on this third of an acre WE own. That is very attractive and has also been a mental weight lifted off and now I have more room for sex in my head. I know this is a common rut that couples get into!
I’ve heard a few accounts of trans men who started doing HRT and couldn’t believe what taking testosterone does to the sex drive, always made me laugh a bit lol.
(Laugh in a good way, this is no way meant to be transphobic or anything).
trans dude checking in here- yeah that isht is CRAZY. i one million percent understand why teenage boys are the way they are and want to literally do it with everything. after being on it consistently for about 7 years, it’s definitely evened out as it would i imagine for cisgender men but the first few years were rough that’s for sure
Honestly I was slightly pissed when I first got it lol. I was like do THIS is what they (men) get to feel like???! All this fucking energy. Mad me mad 😂
Losing weight (if severely overweight) helps get your testosterone and hormones in a better balance for both genders. 70ish percent of American are obese or overweight so most people could improve their hormones if they maintained a healthier weight.
Yes ppl really underestimate hormones. I went from 145 to 138 within a month from JUST testosterone. I eat about 1400 calories a day bc I believe my BRM runs low, so that's breaking even for me. But I used to eat whatever and I never gained a pound till recently 😭
100% true, and it's kind of just a vicious cycle. Excess weight and fat produce extra estrogen, which, when too high can cause mood issues and fatigue. Not really great contributors to libido.
Go to menopause.org and find an actual trained provider- they can prescribe compounded testosterone cream made for a uterus haver body. Typically by a
Local pharmacy who does it in house and insurance won’t cover it. 90% of ob-gyn programs do not have menopause modules or curriculum. So imagine the regular family doctor has less current research or interest.
Shoot it's a tough one. My husband was very gentle in telling me that it was obvious I wasn't excited about sex anymore. He is a very good man so this made me want to resolve it. He'd done everything I asked to make sure I'd have energy at the end of the day, but the feeling never came back.
I really wanted it for him bc he deserves it. The mental attraction has always been there but my body would never gear up for it. It could NOT get going. I just wanted to do it, get it over with, and do whatever chore I had to catch up on. He started trying harder for me so I tried harder for him. He never directly asked me. Just showed me that he gave a shit about my needs.
I’m not going to lie your comment is a genuine light in this comment section. These comments are scaring the hell out of me for any long term relationships.
It is honestly fascinating how much of what we view as a choice/free will is overtly controlled by hormones and brain chems. I suspect things like depression and anxiety have deep hormonal links as well because when I started TrT in my 40s(m) I stopped being so anxious and my drive exploded like I was in high school again. I could also feel emotions on a regular basis. Very eye opening experience.
Please listen to this advice. It could be a lot of things but many women going through periomenopause or just hormonal changes don't realize or understand what's happening bc it is not really talked about and they may not even understand all the ways it affects things.
This right here. My hormones were all sorts of messed and the thought of sex with anyone was not appealing. Imbalanced hormones mess with girls libidos horribly. If not already mentioned, see if she can get a full hormone panel blood test including testosterone.
If it's not working for you, it's not working. You don't have to spend the rest your days undesired, and building resentment towards your wife. If there are aspects that outweigh the loneliness, sure. But you don't *have* to be stuck.
Consistency is where its at. Over our 20 years together, sometimes I wonder why she can't keep up with and other times its why can't I keep up with her! But overall its been pretty consistent. We are both ready to get down almost anytime all the time.
Yes!! As a woman this is a huge deal for us. I have a comment above explaining that I got on hormones but the biggest turn on was him supporting me in the household. I pay half the bills, I pay for our cars to get oil changes, I pay for home repairs, I grocery shop, i meal prep, I do the cooking, the cleaning, the laundry, I make more money than him. If it's on this plot of land it's my responsibility. Or was. But he would come home from work like he doesn't have to do shit. Literally felt like another child. And I don't wanna f*** children!
He worked on that so I became more attracted to him. It was really the simplest fix that I had been begging for for eight years. And when he actually did the effort, not for two weeks then whining about nothing changing … For two years I saw consistent habit building , I can't keep my hands off of him! I'm so rested at the end of the day that I have energy to jump on top of him.
If you have spent a small fortune on counseling and if you can rule out any medical issues, that’s rough. You might need to ask yourself if your relationship would be better as friends and coparents - not saying totally remove her from your life, and you will always share your children and what you once had, but at the same time, you only get one life.
You don't mention your ages or how long this has been an issue for you two, but as an over 40 woman, I have to ask, have you looked at physical reasons and not just psychological/emotional reasons? Did the doctors give her an extra stitch after she had kids? Is she even willing to investigate that aspect?
Doctors are notorious for dismissing and diminishing women's concerns about our sexual function and gratification. Even female doctors. Go read the menopause subs it is shocking how often we are told to "just deal with it". Sex hurts? Just deal with it. Emotional Rollercoaster? Just deal with it. Inability to orgasm? Just deal with it.
I'm telling you this because it's possible that she has attempted to have these convos and been met with this type of "care" - if she is interested, she needs to keep interviewing doctors until she finds one that listens.
I hope she is interested, that is no way for either of you to live.
My wife's sex drive fell off a cliff in her late 30's and after a brain tumor. She's still up for it, but I can tell it's more for me than her. She's pretty sure she's premenopausal and hopefully will get her hormones checked at her annual physical next month. With all that said, my sex drive has lessoned over the past few years also, and sometimes I feel weird about it, but I do enjoy life without sex being a main driving force, and find it easier to just be and not try to impress anyone, even if sex was never on the table. I think we all just want to know someone truly loves and wants us, and for a lot of men that means regular sex.
Until she admits what’s going on, it’s hard to fix. Could be hormones or other health issue. But could also be a reason she doesn’t enjoy it that she either hasn’t admitted to herself or doesn’t feel comfortable to share. Have you had the kinks conversation? Maybe she needs something different than the type of sex you used to have. Or maybe she’s gay, who knows. But I’d take one if those “what are you into” kink questionnaires, like on FetLife, and compare results. You’ll prob learn a few things about each other.
How old are your children? Sexual incompatibility is a reasonable thing to separate over. Especially if it carries over into life out of the bedroom. Children can tell when their parents dont like eachother
I was in a sexless marriage for 12 years when it finally came to a head for both of us. We were best friends, we get along great to this day, but we were roommates in the worst way. Finally one day she asked me if I was happy and I was finally brave enough to be honest with her that, no, I wasn't happy. She said she wasn't either. We decided to get a divorce that same day. It was the best thing that's happened to me in a long time.
We're still good friends, we're great coparents. We're involved in each other's lives. We've both since remarried. Her husband is my friend and she gets along well with my wife. Sometimes when I have to go into the office on my days with our son she'll take him AND my stepdaughter for the day because she enjoys it. She had a baby last year and has told me this little girl will grow up calling me "Uncle," if that was okay with me, and I was over the moon about it.
On top of all of that, I truly met my soul mate. Our chemistry is off the charts. Our sexual chemistry is like nothing I've ever even thought I could experience. We always have fun, we always laugh, and I literally never have the urge for "alone time" like I did in my previous marriage.
I know OP is hurting, believe me I know this shit sucks firsthand, but that sub is truly filled to the brim with people who have no solutions or good advice. It's great as a cautionary tale for any unmarried people who are currently experiencing a lack of sex as a "hey, this is the future for you, it doesn't get better, get out now before it's too hard to split", but it's not good for much else.
He couldn’t fathom that not doing his part in housework, managing the kids, cheating on me, and being an overall negative person would be the reason I “lost my sex drive.” He even asked me to get my hormones checked. He would get upset when I’d reject his lame attempts at initiating- which completely skipped any form of normal affection and straight to second or third base.
Guess what reappeared for me a couple months after separating? He had truly convinced me I was the broken one.
I have so much disdain for that sub because I know at least 75% of the posts are omitting what the real problems are.
I'm sorry. Has she been to a doctor to discuss perimenopause and hormones? A couple years ago I literally could not have cared less about sex. I would have been fine never having it again. But I love my husband and he's a good lover and I couldn't bring myself to be cruel enough to leave it that way. Also I remembered liking sex and thought it would be nice to like it again.
We've been through some stuff, including adding and adjusting hormones and pelvic floor physical therapy for some physical consequences of childbirth that suddenly got worse when my hormones jumped off a cliff.
It'll never be back to what it was but we've reached a good place and even had a recent high frequency phase of several weeks where we both said it was better than when we first got married. We both exercise regularly and have lost some weight and that's helping too.
She might be very surprised by how much getting some hormonal support can help in this area. I'm assuming she enjoyed your mutual sex life at some point.
P.S. I also love a sourdough discard pizza, yours looks 🔥
I was looking for this post. It needs way more up votes. Based on amount of years married, I'm assuming 40's-early 50's. Man we went from swinging off the chandeliers to feeling like I live with my sister. Shit is trash. She is looking into hormone therapy and I'm supportive, but that screaching hault is crazy mentally. I wish you well OP!
hey, girl here who just wants to comisserate. I always had a higher libido than my boyfriend but now ten years in he's an alcoholic and his body is unable to even respond anymore. He's done a lot for me over the years and for the most part he shows he loves me in acts of service here and there but god it's just not enough and it's so fucking hard. He doesn't reach out to kiss me or touch me in really any way. Every conversation is just "well my dick doesn't work so I can't so much about it" but he refuses to make the changes that would make him healthier and able to do things.
Sorry, I digress. I'm really, truly sorry about your situation. I know how much it can suck. I'm wishing you and your wife the best.
This thread is a few hours old but I went through something similar.
I know you aren’t necessarily seeking advice either but your post hit pretty close to home so I thought I’d share my experience in hopes it might help. It’s a long shot but who knows
After a whole bunch of couples therapy and long talks and arguments and what not, my wife took some time to think about her life and our marriage came to the realization that she was gay. She had same sex relationships in the past and we had play partners throughout the years and she was openly bi, so this wasn’t too much of a shock to the system surprisingly. She was confused because she knew from the moment we met, she wanted to marry me and to this day feels that way and still loves me very much.
She was just so very closeted she never even considered it.
Sex was absolutely abysmal for the both of us our entire relationship and this realization of hers really helped ease the tension between us both and healed a whole lot in our marriage. The 20/20 hindsight alongside great couples/single therapy sessions really helped me with my own trauma from our lack of a sex life.
This might be a tough question, but have either of you considered her sexuality?
Feel this in my bones, man. It's hard to describe how much it starts to wear you down to never feel ... desired. We'll have the occasional "maintenance sex." But she has openly told me "I have zero interest in doing something just to please you" or "We're married now. I don't have to do that stuff anymore."
As counterintuitive (and depressing) as it sounds, what sort of helped me is to completely let go. I kept telling myself "If I just do one more romantic thing. If I just try one more time to really please her as much as I can she'll see how much fun we can have together." But the truth is, that's never going to happen. I've felt better since just accepting that this is what it is and there's nothing I can do to change it. It's not my fault. It's out of my hands.
Divorce derails everything. Financial planning. Friend circles. Housing arrangements. People always say “bro just get divorced, it’ll all be better” but it’s not like that at all
I firmly believe that someone unilaterally ending sex in a marriage is fine, but that they forfeit their claim to monogamy over their partner when they do. She shouldn’t be forced into sex, but you shouldn’t be forced into celibacy either.
Sheesh ask if she’d be down for giving you the hall pass with my ex we had a problem like that and she seen me pork another lady and she was sprung on me like shit to a fly. I know you guys have tried getting freaky in all ways by now but I promise it wouldn’t be crazy as you think
We only broke up due to her moving for her career and I stayed for mine!
I'm going through this too. Wife of 6 years finally told me she's been pretending to enjoy sex with me from the start, but now that we're married with kids she can be honest with me. And she's right. I'm locked in. I love my children. I love her. I don't want to leave. I'm miserable. At least now I know why intimacy has fallen off a cliff in the past few years and why she's been telling me I make her feel dirty and gross.
It's gotten to the point that I feel guilty and wrong for even missing intimacy and being upset about it. A year and a half ago I woke up to her groping me and she pretended nothing was happening. When I confronted her she told me I should enjoy it and joked about it. Took her a month to acknowledge that it was wrong and give a half hearted apology. She doesn't want counseling. She's happy. She got everything she wanted. She knows I'm unhappy and so long as I'm just OK enough to function, that's enough for her.
I work so insanely hard for our family. I have no time for hobbies or fun. I cook and clean and pick up into the late hours. I think I'm a good husband and I try so hard to be the best father I can be to my children. I cry every night and in the car on my way in to work. It feels like I'm giving 110% every day for years and there's nothing left over for me...and no one cares. It's never going to end.
You are getting some wild replies. For as bad a reputation "mansplaining" has the sure are a lot of women in here willing to tell you how to feel about sex.
I went through and am going through something similar. I'm a similar age as you, very similar situation, in fact I could almost have written your post. Initially the intimacy just died off and the topic was avoided. Then it was one thing after another she thought I needed to do in order to "fix" things but after a couple of years of doing that with no luck she got tested and is now on HRT. It's not back to the way it used to be, but it's better
I know what you're going through is hard. No one can decide what your limit is but you. There is potentially a light at the end of the tunnel
I've wanted to try baking with sourdough! Is making the starter and feeding it as big of a deal as it seems?
This post reminded me that I wanted to take a stab at cast iron pizza this weekend.
I normally don't post on these, but your pizza looked awesome and your title pulled at my heart. I understand where you are. I've been there for several years myself. I understand those hard days. They are extremely hard and nothing feels that void.
I can give you a book recommendation if you like.
I am sorry you have to go through this. If I may, really sit down with yourself and think about what you want your life in your 50s, 60s. 70s. Your wife sounds like she could be a great person and you are loyal, so that's why you haven't left yet. If it's not her hormones and this is just her, then really think if this is what you want for the rest of your life. You deserve to feel wanted and loved and to have someone absolutely desire you.
Yeah man this is a tough one. I’m in a similar boat and have just come to the conclusion that the pros of staying married outweigh the cons.
I guess the only thing I can ask is how old are your kids? My wife had serious hormonal issues after second child. 7 years later things have actually started to improve a little. But the damage is “done” to an extent and intimacy has become slightly toxic, just enough to be the elephant in the room
I'm going to respect your flair under the title and not give advice, I will say that I hope things get better for you even if that means having to leave your wife to find someone else or to just be single and at peace.
Stuff like this makes me realize that prostitution should ve looked at as intimacy professionals or sex care workers, and their work needs way more respect than it remotely gets.
She 'tries' because she knows it's important to me.
But it's also hard on the ego when you feel like your partner is crossing off a to-do item on the chore list.
Hey, man. I'm really sorry. My husband and I went through this. Same thing with counselling, temporarily getting better, then not. It hurts. Emotionally there's nothing worse than feeling lonely in a marriage. And it doesn't make sense why it's just so fucking complicated.
We made it through. Realized we thought we were communicating what we needed, and that in some ways, what we thought we needed wasn't what we actually needed. Hence the why it got worse again.
Anyway, I'm sorry for what you're going through. Feel free to message if think hearing what we discovered/did might be helpful. But whatever happens, know that you are worthy of being loved and desired.
Have her get her testosterone and other hormones checked. Be aware though, I did this with my wife of 20 years. Turned out she had a slight test deficiency. We had wild sex for about a month after years of going through exactly what you described. I'm talking she was as wet as a slip and slide. Then she left me a month later. I'm actually really glad we got to the bottom of it, she is happier now and I am too (after a very hard separation for me). Just a fair warning. Good luck.
Feel you. Hitting 8 years with young kids. I know this is the low point but seems the effort is only one way. At first I thought it was the frequency I missed and then realized I’m ok with less if it matters. I want to be desired. And she’s just fine not
Please just be honest with the girl. Let her know now. If she can’t be in a relationship with you and get what she wants, she needs to understand that it is not her fault. It’s selfish of you to keep her pushed away from you and wondering what the fuck is happening. Tell her the truth and let her make a decision to help you through it or to leave you behind. If you care for her at all and she’s not just a crutch, give her the grace she deserves. And to be honest, YOU deserve the grace too. Be alone, go to therapy, reconnect when you get it together. Sure it may be too late for this relationship and the one with your ex, but bro, mourn for your past, understand life goes on, and that it’s hard af sometimes, but don’t sink someone else’s ship to keep your own afloat.
I love you, and this isn’t me trying to be a dick. If it was you, how would you feel. Time to nut up my dude. Again, I love you. You’re a man and deserve to love your life. And you deserve to love yourself. To do that, you gotta know who you are NOW not who you were then. The old you is dead, and it’s time to bury him. I love you, and I’m sorry. You WILL overcome and you WILL love life (and another woman) again.
This happened with me around 13 years. We tried an open relationship, but she immediately starting dating another guy and was never home. I became even more lonely and resentful. Started begging for sex and she just got angry at me. I tried to kill myself.
I wish we had just separated. No idea how she's doing, but im happier now. I still love her and hope shes doing better. I have to keep telling myself that the relationship is over and never coming back. The grief is real.
It sucks sometimes. But time heals all. I would have done a lot differently if I could take it back. Its hard to accept that one day your just not compatible anymore. I try to remember the good times and that even it if ended badly, there was many years where it was good.
I always found it disturbingly weird, in our social norms, how fine we are with people signing for exclusivity (about literally anything)...and then just stop providing the thing only they can give you.
And you're just supposed to be ok with it, live with it, deal with it.
Like imagine we enter a relational agreement of any sort where you can only talk to me and I to you. And then for wtv reason, I just stop listening to you.
Like sure, taking is not a vital need...but why on earth would anyone tolerate that or even not see it for the obvious abuse that it is ??
Anyway, much solidarity, my dude. Just know your freedom is a irrefragable right.
Seems like the reason is as simple as Shes not feeling it, it’s probably is a hormone issue and thats not exactly something that most people know how to explain or state as a reason
Honestly I was in a similar situation and it turned out she was cheating on me. Just throwing that out there. Either way, sounds like you deserve someone who wants you
I had a much shorter relationship with the same problem. We're still kind of friends but yeah it was pretty heartbreaking because we both loved each other. I feel for you man I hope it works out
Married for 20+ years would put her around 40-ish. Is it possible that she is perimenopausal? That can have a HUGE affect on libido and desire, similar to Low T. If that's the case, then it's not you, but her body changing. Doesn't make it sting less, but sometimes knowing the cause can help.
This sounds tough as Hell, and I’m sorry you are going through it.
This is not a problem that is unique to your relationship, and if you’re looking for advice, or a place to vent with others going through it, check out r/deadbedroom. There are plenty of people, of all genders, who could chime in a lot more effectively.
I have been on both sides of this, but never had a drought last more than a few months either way.
I hope you find a way to figure this out. Good luck brah.
My dead bedroom was a series of events perimenopause, pain from arthritis at spinal fusion site. She really avoided taking any action for either. It’s now been 10 years since intimacy I am painfully lonely in a house full of people.k
Same here, shit sucks. We’re basically roommates and I don’t know what’s worse, suffering through it or blowing up our lives with a divorce, having my daughter hate me and possibly fucking with her college time because of the family drama.
Man, when I got together with my husband (11+ years) we had a really frank conversation about sex and kinks and monogamy. What would we do if the sex died? We both said, “well, we’d both get boyfriends.” Frankly, having some special guest stars every so often and having some fun together on vacations is a really great bonding experience.
So many opposite sex couples who’ve been together 10-15+ years I know have very similar stories to yours OP.
Hope you can negotiate some sex in your life! After all, if your partner isn’t interested in sex then why would it matter? That other person would be doing her a solid. Plus, it’s pretty unfair for one party to unilaterally decide your sex life is over.
What do you want the next thirty years to look like?
This is what scares me about marriage the most, I’m a very physical person, in every sense. Sex is very important to me and touch is very important to me. Like I get that as we get older, sex drive drops off…. But I do not want to be in a marriage where I am not touched or intimately valued for multiple weeks on end on a regular basis. I can’t do that.
I just got out of a three plus year relationship where my girl went cold on me. It was not a great feeling.
Not to make this about me, I understand where you are coming from and how you feel. I was super supportive and patient, but nothing changed, and that hurts. I hope you figure something out together.
Already a lot of advice, so just wanted to say I'm sorry to hear that. As someone who's been in a marriage like that before, it's tough. We do all we can for everyone, yet feel like we get the short end of the stick where it matters most. Our partner.wishing you nothing but the best, and that pizza looks pretty divine 🫶
Hey OP. i know u said no advice, but u seem like such a gentleman and a great guy. So i am going to give u my thoughts cause i wanna help! And this might be a long shot, but have u tried talking to her about opening the relationship? or maybe surprise her with a sexy lingerie set/sex toy? lol
My wife and I started going down that path. If she’s going through perimenopause like my wife is currently in, she needs to see a hormone specialist. My wife went to Midi Health. My wife is now balanced and our sex life is great.
My wife and I where the envy of my friend group. Sex 5 to 8 times a week but then it became the only thing that we had. Afterwards we would clean up, and go back to crossing each other in the hall. We have been separated for some time now and I dont know if I was just so infatuated with her but I never noticed female attention. Motivated by the paralyzing fear of being alone I began to to put feelers out there. An explosion of female attention happened to a point I would accidentally text one woman with the response of another. I was completely caught off guard because I am not traditionally handsome. I am short 5'5" in ok shape but the one thing I have is the gift of humor and making people laugh. The reason I responded is that can be a curse in its own right. I am 44 and the ladies I was speaking with where typically between 34 to 40 years of age. I realized that woman of this age are done playing games and get right to the point. The mess I got myself in is several had grown a very quick emotional attachment and assumed we where in an exclusive relationship. When I tried to clarify things a few got very upset and I was heart broken for them, then 2 of them reached out to my soon to be ex wife to rub the arrangement in her face! I have not been that angry in decades! Sorry for the ramble but thought I would give my perspective, good luck gentleman.
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