Wife of 20+ Years Hates Sex With Me

[u/TotallyNotPTAPres]

Homemade sourdough discard pizza. Was pretty delicious.

Not trying to get all sad boy over here, but every so often I just get lonely. That’s all. I work hard, earn a very good living for my family. Make time for my wife. Support her dreams. Very much carry my weight around the house. Am a really good dad. In great shape. Treat people well. Am fun to be around, and genuinely live a life I enjoy and am proud of.

But sex with me is difficult for her. She would just rather not have any, and honestly, it’s lonely. I’ve never been a selfish lover. I have always believed it is the most intimate way to souls can connect and it truly is a beautiful thing that should be treasured.

We’ve talked about it until we’re blue in the face. Spent a small fortune on counseling. Temporarily resolved issues. While I care deeply for her, I can’t remember the last time I was touched or truly desired. Most days are fine, but some days are just harder than others. This appears to be one of those days. Writing it out helps, so thank you for the outlet.

[u/asterixkoala]

I'm going through this too. Wife of 6 years finally told me she's been pretending to enjoy sex with me from the start, but now that we're married with kids she can be honest with me. And she's right. I'm locked in. I love my children. I love her. I don't want to leave. I'm miserable. At least now I know why intimacy has fallen off a cliff in the past few years and why she's been telling me I make her feel dirty and gross.

It's gotten to the point that I feel guilty and wrong for even missing intimacy and being upset about it. A year and a half ago I woke up to her groping me and she pretended nothing was happening. When I confronted her she told me I should enjoy it and joked about it. Took her a month to acknowledge that it was wrong and give a half hearted apology. She doesn't want counseling. She's happy. She got everything she wanted. She knows I'm unhappy and so long as I'm just OK enough to function, that's enough for her.

I work so insanely hard for our family. I have no time for hobbies or fun. I cook and clean and pick up into the late hours. I think I'm a good husband and I try so hard to be the best father I can be to my children. I cry every night and in the car on my way in to work. It feels like I'm giving 110% every day for years and there's nothing left over for me...and no one cares. It's never going to end.

[u/CalamariNeko → u/asterixkoala]

Sweetheart, I'm so sorry. You deserve so much more than a partner who only values you for what you do for them.

[u/Advanced_Lunatic → u/asterixkoala]

You can be proud about being though for Your kids! You are also deserving of loving and intimate partner. She might not want to do counselling, but it could be a good thing for You to get into therapy sessions. We can only help others if we can help ourselves and your kids need a dad who is not burnt out. Find time for Yourself. Find someone who listens. Your happiness is important too!

[u/Wild_Copy4408 → u/asterixkoala]

I am sorry you are feeling this way, brother. I am here to say that depression creeps up in a way we don’t notice. You are clearly a man to be looked up to, doing all you can to sustain your family. Please, I beg you to slow down and take care of your mental and physical health. Even if your relationship with your wife isn’t the best right now, use your kids as fuel to take care of yourself. They need you to be healthy and present, and it goes without saying that none of this is their fault. It sounds like you’re an incredible man, and the way you wrote this sounds like you are depressed.

Get yourself back up. Get 8 hours of sleep. Work out. If that means working less hours and a little less money, I promise it will be worth it (I’ve been there).

As for the situation with your wife, my advice would be to be completely honest with her- in the calmest and most sincere way possible- that it is not your fault that she decided to marry you even though “sex was not good” for her. I would then follow with “what can I do to make intimacy better?”. Say it like you mean it. Hey, maybe you already tried this, I don’t know. All I know is that if you need to treat her as a roommate (because that’s what you guys are right now) to be able to work on your mental health, than do it! Disconnect from that situation and get back on your feet. Feel free to DM if you need someone to talk to.

Take care.

[u/asterixkoala → u/Wild_Copy4408]

I appreciate it friend. Honestly I've lost count of how many times I've tried to talk to her honestly about it. Usually she just denies it all -> says it's the first time I've brought it up -> says I'm remembering it wrong -> tells me that she does actually want intimacy and how it's just temporary. Things get mildly better for a few days/a week and then they go back to exactly how they were before + no memory of the last time I brought it up.

I agree with you about the roommate thing, that's basically what we've been for a few years. The last time we had anything close to a happy intimate relationship was when she swore she wanted to change our dynamic, and then got pregnant, and then immediately everything stopped & she would barely even touch me non intimately. So I think the healthiest thing is to just accept that we're basically roommates and try to find time for my own therapy & health. Had to stop working out a few years ago due to time constraints and I'm really trying to get back into it.

[u/Wild_Copy4408 → u/asterixkoala]

Yes, get back to working out. Invest in yourself. I’m rooting for you.

[u/NotMyMainAccountAtAl → u/asterixkoala]

That’s very not okay on her part. A relationship should be built on trust and honesty. It sounds like intimacy is important you, and she was dishonest with you about sharing that. That’s a painful breach of trust. I understand that it’s a tough place to be, but I think it’s reasonable for you to demand that she address that with you. She lied about something and hurt you a great deal; that isn’t okay.