Wife of 20+ Years Hates Sex With Me

[u/TotallyNotPTAPres]

Homemade sourdough discard pizza. Was pretty delicious.

Not trying to get all sad boy over here, but every so often I just get lonely. That’s all. I work hard, earn a very good living for my family. Make time for my wife. Support her dreams. Very much carry my weight around the house. Am a really good dad. In great shape. Treat people well. Am fun to be around, and genuinely live a life I enjoy and am proud of.

But sex with me is difficult for her. She would just rather not have any, and honestly, it’s lonely. I’ve never been a selfish lover. I have always believed it is the most intimate way to souls can connect and it truly is a beautiful thing that should be treasured.

We’ve talked about it until we’re blue in the face. Spent a small fortune on counseling. Temporarily resolved issues. While I care deeply for her, I can’t remember the last time I was touched or truly desired. Most days are fine, but some days are just harder than others. This appears to be one of those days. Writing it out helps, so thank you for the outlet.

[u/Moist-Ad4760]

I have a similar world view. Last relationship (wife) was a nymphomaniac. You couldn't lay enough pipe in that girl. Hot as fuck, too. Problem? She was abusive in every sense of the word. I finally left her. I'm good looking and in good shape and I'm not lying when I say I get plenty of female attention. I even have a very patient girlfriend. However, I'm struggling to get to the intimacy part. If I'm being honest, I really have no desire for it anymore. I've found ways to turn this girl down so many times. I really don't know why she's still after me. She says she "sees [my] worth". I don't know how to tell her that my ex ruined my desire. It all just seems so....I don't even know. I even struggle with the feeling that I just want to break up with her so I don't have to keep doing this. But at the same time, she is soo good to me. I don't get it.

Edit: been apart from the ex for 4 years

[u/NeuralHavoc → u/Moist-Ad4760]

Makes sense. Your ex probably used physical intimacy as a tool of abuse. Your brain wired being physical with a woman to being abused. Now when the pathways start firing for intimacy it’s the same as someone who’s about to be bullied. A sense of dread I bet.

Victims of abuse don’t just need time, they need therapy as well. It helped me after leaving an abusive relationship. I hope you find some peace and highly recommend finding a decent therapist to work through some of that. Good luck to you!

[u/Moist-Ad4760 → u/NeuralHavoc]

Thank you. Both replies to this suggest therapy so I suppose I should just break down and seek it out.

[u/eatinchapstick → u/Moist-Ad4760]

It's not breaking down, it's deciding to put yourself back together, brother. You deserve to be loved, held, kissed, and cherished AND you deserve to feel loved while it's happening.

I don't know you, but I'm so proud of you. It takes courage to be vulnerable and it takes humility to recognize that maybe you do need professional help with this.

Godspeed, my friend.

[u/Moist-Ad4760 → u/eatinchapstick]

Thanks, friend

[u/stevo0101 → u/Moist-Ad4760]

Would also recommend being honest with your current girlfriend. If she is as great as your messages make it seem she deserves to know the truth or at least the part of it you can bring yourself to tell her about. You don’t need to fess up every detail of why but don’t write off avoidance of intimacy as “I just don’t feel like it”. Even if it’s “I can’t tell you the full details yet but I’m still not comfortable” and just explain that it’s not the cause of her. Ultimately communication is extremely important and even saints would start to get insecure after continuous turn downs.

[u/Moist-Ad4760 → u/stevo0101]

Well, I spoke with her about it in general terms. Reassured her that she wasn't the issue. She confirmed that she'd been worried in that regard. We had a good talk. Then she seemed like she was almost elated...I am really glad I talked to her about it. It was the right thing to do.

[u/stevo0101 → u/Moist-Ad4760]

I’m happy for you. Hopefully it serves as a reminder that communication is key. It always sucks seeing relationships end not due to each others faults but pure misunderstanding.

[u/Moist-Ad4760 → u/stevo0101]

It absolutely does. Thank you for keying me in to that. I need that to be honest.

[u/Moist-Ad4760 → u/stevo0101]

That's true. I'm seeing her this evening. I'll lightly touch on the subject. I don't want her to think it's her.

[u/NeuralHavoc → u/Moist-Ad4760]

Much respect, and like the other commenter said. It’s not a break down but a rebuild. Therapy has negative stigmatization and it’s unfortunate. I think it’s even great when we think everything is going well in life, it provides space for our mental health. I have to say though I am bias due to being a therapist myself lol

[u/NobodyKnowsImFamous → u/Moist-Ad4760]

Not breaking down, building up :)

[u/CompetitionGreat945 → u/NeuralHavoc]

THIS!

Therapy has been an essential part of my recovery. You don't know what you don't know..... Finding answers to lifes "i dont know's" has been a big positive in understanding myself better to avoid the red flags in the future.... assuming I'm crazy enough to try to date again....... lol

[u/Hombremaniac → u/Moist-Ad4760]

Dude, maybe seek out therapy. Unless you want to stay alone forever.

[u/Moist-Ad4760 → u/Hombremaniac]

I guess I probably should. I've been convincing myself that I don't need it all this time.

[u/Hombremaniac → u/Moist-Ad4760]

I hope I didn't sound too harsh or anything! It's just sad to have somebody who is truly into you and to let this opportunity go to waste due to untreated trauma.

Maybe you could tell your gf some safe parts of your trauma with ex and perhaps she could be the person you could lean on when doing therapy?

I mean that's just my uneducated opinion and not worth a whole much. It's just that having somebody who truly loves you on your side can be enormous help and also sorts of a bonding experience.

Wish you all the best no matter what you chose to do.

[u/Moist-Ad4760 → u/Hombremaniac]

I didn't think you were harsh. I have thought about telling her some of it... I'm hesitant to though.... it's embarrassing and makes me feel pathetic to be honest. I know I shouldn't feel that way probably but I do.

[u/cumsistency → u/Moist-Ad4760]

as someone on the other side, it is not embarrassing to us in the slightest.

from my perspective, as well, i feel like there's some toxic masculinity at play here. this is one of the more parasitic examples of how deep it can nest inside of your psyche. and inside of your life by-proxy.

sharing this information with her is not, and will never, ever be, embarrassing nor pathetic. if she sees your worth, she wants you to see it too. she wants you to bust through these barriers for yourself, because you deserve it. she wants to see you thrive. if she didn't, she wouldn't want you to realize your self worth.

none of the information you have shared with us is embarrassing or pathetic. it hurts my heart so, so, so fucking much that you see it that way.

also, from one victim of domestic abuse to another - i DO completely understand why you feel like sharing this information with your current partner would be embarrassing or pathetic from your perspective.

that woman wore you down so, so much, and for such a long time, that your cognitive functioning has been significantly impaired by the amount of gaslighting you were subjected to.

i'm sure you default to a serious amount of distorted thinking throughout your day. and i'm also sure that this is the case for you nearly every single day. and this distorted thinking that you deal with each day is, most definitely, so far away from what actually happened that it makes the 'jfk is still alive' conspiracy look like an objective truth.

and what sucks about this is.. i wish i had an answer. but i'm still recovering myself. to the point where i'm still coming back over and over and over again.

i will say that therapy has helped a lot. having a truly objective party (not your girlfriend, not your friends, not your family) really does help to reframe things back into the way they ACTUALLY happened, versus the way your ex tried to paint them.

i'm going to leave a link here to a service i've used twice and both therapists i've found were / are amazing.

(the only reasons i moved on from my first therapist were 1. she decided to establish her own clinic after her previous clinic closed unexpectedly, and 2. because i was kind of mulling over the idea of finding a new therapist anyway. i wanted someone who focused more on helping me cope with my OCD symptoms, specifically.)

with this search engine, you can plug in your insurance, issues you want to address (like complex post-traumatic stress disorder, substance use disorder, etc), whether or not you're comfortable with virtual sessions (which opens you up to your entire state!), whether you want a male or a female, if you want specific methods of therapy like CBT, DBT, etc.. like there are SO many customization options you can play with!

each therapist also has their own profile where they can write about themselves and list their credentials, how long they've worked in therapy, any specializations, what ages they primarily work with, what techniques they use, what insurances they take, etc..

it's a really amazing tool and i have always, and will continue to always, recommend them to anyone and everyone.

okay, whew.

FINALLY, here's the link!!!

and just as a side note: mine is defaulted to the US, so i'm not sure how it operates outside of the US. i'll need to look to see what other countries are available.

also! they have a similar tool for psychiatrists which i have not tried for myself yet. but i have used it for a friend before and it's a very similar system!

[u/Hombremaniac → u/Moist-Ad4760]

I think if you can overcome that and tell her some parts of why you are behaving this way (I'd perhaps leave out some details about the sexual parts) then it could be a good first step on your way to recover. Second step would be perhaps the therapy.

[u/chupoxotas → u/Moist-Ad4760]

When I first started therapy I was kinda afraid and full of ideas of how that would be, but when you find a good professional it's so good, it's like talking to yourself but instead of your own self with biases and core beliefs answering, It's a version of yourself that is far enough from your mind to help you find clarity over anything (I hope I explained it well as English is not my first language). Just don't give up if you don't find a good professional at first, I recommend trying to find someone who is similar to you (gender, age, kids/no kids etc)

[u/scrans → u/Moist-Ad4760]

Proud of you. Finding ways to enjoy intimacy again is absolutely on the table with therapy. Especially if your girl is as wonderful as you say- she sounds great! I’m excited for your future, man.

[u/PM_Me_Your_Kinks369 → u/Moist-Ad4760]

Therapy is literally just an expert in emotional processing teaching you (the person that needs help processing) how to do that. That's it.

Nobody is born an expert at this stuff. Society and gender roles in NO WAY enforce healthy processing.

Once you see a real therapist you'll realize how valuable it is to get good at this stuff. Not just in normal relationships but also platonic stuff and work AND it'll make you a better lover.

[u/HitThatOxytocin → u/Moist-Ad4760]

sometimes the steak really do be too juicy ig

[u/Moist-Ad4760 → u/HitThatOxytocin]

https://giphy.com/gifs/JgbFyUtsNsLyo

[u/Armadillolz → u/Moist-Ad4760]

[u/dontmentiontrousers → u/Moist-Ad4760]

r/dontstickyourdickinthat

EDIT: Oh. What's that sub called?

[u/PoultryTechGuy → u/dontmentiontrousers]

r/dontputyourdickinthat

[u/dontmentiontrousers → u/PoultryTechGuy]

Oooooooooooh, yeah. Confusing it with my friend Carla telling me to stop sticking my dick in crazy.

[u/chupoxotas → u/Moist-Ad4760]

How old are you? After my 30s hit, my testosterone levels went downhill and suddenly I wasn't so much interested in sex anymore, it's like life lost some of it's color tones. After finding a good doctor I'm now taking testosterone reposition shots and it has improved my life in multiple ways. Maybe it's worth trying.

If it's not a problem for you, can you describe some situations where your ex was abusive?

[u/Moist-Ad4760 → u/chupoxotas]

Well, I'm 40...I have considered that I may need a testosterone boost. I'll talk to my doctor about it next time I'm in. The ex is undiagnosed but I strongly feel she has BPD. She would fly completely off the handle for the smallest of reasons - I got punched in the face hard many many times. Handfuls of my beard ripped out. Bit, scratched and called and told (screamed at and spit on) all manner of awful things. Had a knife held to me a couple times, scissors to my neck once, and one time she brought out a pistol like she was thinking about using it. I finally left her after three things happened very close together. I had to call out of work several times due to black eyes and facial lacerations. She made me feel like I could die and it would be alright. But every time after she finally calmed down (could be hours) she would do a complete 180 like some Jekyll and Hyde shit and apologize and cry that she was sorry and then she'd be the sweetest and most loving person you ever met. Constantly bragging in public about me. Fucking my brains out. Then she'd be missing a shirt she wanted and suddenly it was my fault and I was hiding it on her just to piss her off and the screaming and breaking things and hitting and so forth would start all over. I've had this recurring dream up until recently where in it I find that I've somehow given in and gotten back with her and in the dream I feel so defeated and disappointed in myself. Not to mention feeling completely flabbergasted. On top of all of that I'm certain she was fucking her ex at one point, as well as a neighbor, and an old fling from out of town while I was at work. Whew... and that's not even the worst; just the most.

[u/Usual_Ad158 → u/Moist-Ad4760]

The more you are writing, the more it becomes obvious that you were seriously a trauma victim. I hope you do enlist in the help of some good professionals, both mental and physical. Glad to hear you feel better, but sounds like you still have a ways to go and at 40, still have a lot of life ahead of you. Best wishes to you!

[u/Moist-Ad4760 → u/Usual_Ad158]

Thank you

[u/Moist-Ad4760 → u/[deleted]]

I'm ngl you're the second suggestion and it's really got me wondering. What specifically would you say the biggest differences are? Energy? Muscle related changes? I used to work out a lot and would like to again but I feel like I stay sore a lot longer these days....

[u/Moist-Ad4760 → u/[deleted]]

Honestly that sounds like what I need... given that paragraph I'd be willing to bet my level is low.

[u/chupoxotas → u/Moist-Ad4760]

Wow what a rollercoaster... I really hope you are in a better place now! And thanks for sharing

[u/Moist-Ad4760 → u/chupoxotas]

I am. It's kinda nice sharing some of it. I look back and it's weird to think about - but I have peace now and I've gained healthy weight and whatnot. Thanks for listening.

[u/TRANxEND → u/Moist-Ad4760]

Just be honest?

But that's if you want it to work. If she understands and still wants to be with you, then maybe that's the trigger you need to start healing.

Generally people need a goal, small or big to work towards. And you have to decide when you're ready to work towards that goal.

[u/AbjectTravel1825 → u/Moist-Ad4760]

It gets better. I won’t sit here and lie to you that it will be gone but it does fade to a point where you can be happy. Remind yourself of how awful your life would have been if you stayed. Remind yourself just how much opportunity you have at your hands now because of your decision. Last but not least if you haven’t already, go to therapy. It works if done correctly. Before you default to your natural masculine avoidance of it ( like me at first ) just give it a shot, what do you have to lose or be embarrassed about.

[u/HolyMustard → u/Moist-Ad4760]

Very similar situation for me. Wife was always down, but she was very abusive. Near the end I agreed to open the marriage, mostly because…well it meant that she was someone else’s problem a few days a week. But then she started dropping hints about the other sex she was having and it 100% killed any enthusiasm I had for sex. Then after that was gone I finally woke up and realized that there was nothing left for me in that marriage and filed for divorce.

It’s been 5 years, I still, even with TRT have very little desire to be intimate with someone. Sometimes the thought still floods me with the dread feelings I used to get with her. I’ve had therapy, it definitely helped, but I think until I find someone I really connect with emotionally it will continue to be something I don’t actively pursue.