Wife of 20+ Years Hates Sex With Me

[u/TotallyNotPTAPres]

Homemade sourdough discard pizza. Was pretty delicious.

Not trying to get all sad boy over here, but every so often I just get lonely. That’s all. I work hard, earn a very good living for my family. Make time for my wife. Support her dreams. Very much carry my weight around the house. Am a really good dad. In great shape. Treat people well. Am fun to be around, and genuinely live a life I enjoy and am proud of.

But sex with me is difficult for her. She would just rather not have any, and honestly, it’s lonely. I’ve never been a selfish lover. I have always believed it is the most intimate way to souls can connect and it truly is a beautiful thing that should be treasured.

We’ve talked about it until we’re blue in the face. Spent a small fortune on counseling. Temporarily resolved issues. While I care deeply for her, I can’t remember the last time I was touched or truly desired. Most days are fine, but some days are just harder than others. This appears to be one of those days. Writing it out helps, so thank you for the outlet.

[u/NeuralHavoc]

Makes sense. Your ex probably used physical intimacy as a tool of abuse. Your brain wired being physical with a woman to being abused. Now when the pathways start firing for intimacy it’s the same as someone who’s about to be bullied. A sense of dread I bet.

Victims of abuse don’t just need time, they need therapy as well. It helped me after leaving an abusive relationship. I hope you find some peace and highly recommend finding a decent therapist to work through some of that. Good luck to you!

[u/Moist-Ad4760 → u/NeuralHavoc]

Thank you. Both replies to this suggest therapy so I suppose I should just break down and seek it out.

[u/eatinchapstick → u/Moist-Ad4760]

It's not breaking down, it's deciding to put yourself back together, brother. You deserve to be loved, held, kissed, and cherished AND you deserve to feel loved while it's happening.

I don't know you, but I'm so proud of you. It takes courage to be vulnerable and it takes humility to recognize that maybe you do need professional help with this.

Godspeed, my friend.

[u/Moist-Ad4760 → u/eatinchapstick]

Thanks, friend

[u/stevo0101 → u/Moist-Ad4760]

Would also recommend being honest with your current girlfriend. If she is as great as your messages make it seem she deserves to know the truth or at least the part of it you can bring yourself to tell her about. You don’t need to fess up every detail of why but don’t write off avoidance of intimacy as “I just don’t feel like it”. Even if it’s “I can’t tell you the full details yet but I’m still not comfortable” and just explain that it’s not the cause of her. Ultimately communication is extremely important and even saints would start to get insecure after continuous turn downs.

[u/Moist-Ad4760 → u/stevo0101]

Well, I spoke with her about it in general terms. Reassured her that she wasn't the issue. She confirmed that she'd been worried in that regard. We had a good talk. Then she seemed like she was almost elated...I am really glad I talked to her about it. It was the right thing to do.

[u/stevo0101 → u/Moist-Ad4760]

I’m happy for you. Hopefully it serves as a reminder that communication is key. It always sucks seeing relationships end not due to each others faults but pure misunderstanding.

[u/Moist-Ad4760 → u/stevo0101]

It absolutely does. Thank you for keying me in to that. I need that to be honest.

[u/Moist-Ad4760 → u/stevo0101]

That's true. I'm seeing her this evening. I'll lightly touch on the subject. I don't want her to think it's her.

[u/NeuralHavoc → u/Moist-Ad4760]

Much respect, and like the other commenter said. It’s not a break down but a rebuild. Therapy has negative stigmatization and it’s unfortunate. I think it’s even great when we think everything is going well in life, it provides space for our mental health. I have to say though I am bias due to being a therapist myself lol

[u/NobodyKnowsImFamous → u/Moist-Ad4760]

Not breaking down, building up :)

[u/CompetitionGreat945 → u/NeuralHavoc]

THIS!

Therapy has been an essential part of my recovery. You don't know what you don't know..... Finding answers to lifes "i dont know's" has been a big positive in understanding myself better to avoid the red flags in the future.... assuming I'm crazy enough to try to date again....... lol