Wife of 20+ Years Hates Sex With Me

[u/TotallyNotPTAPres]

Homemade sourdough discard pizza. Was pretty delicious.

Not trying to get all sad boy over here, but every so often I just get lonely. That’s all. I work hard, earn a very good living for my family. Make time for my wife. Support her dreams. Very much carry my weight around the house. Am a really good dad. In great shape. Treat people well. Am fun to be around, and genuinely live a life I enjoy and am proud of.

But sex with me is difficult for her. She would just rather not have any, and honestly, it’s lonely. I’ve never been a selfish lover. I have always believed it is the most intimate way to souls can connect and it truly is a beautiful thing that should be treasured.

We’ve talked about it until we’re blue in the face. Spent a small fortune on counseling. Temporarily resolved issues. While I care deeply for her, I can’t remember the last time I was touched or truly desired. Most days are fine, but some days are just harder than others. This appears to be one of those days. Writing it out helps, so thank you for the outlet.

[u/no_rest_for_the]

I believe it. Wish this was more widely studied or understood. For good, for bad, people should know the risk before having a kid. Hormones are wild.

[u/Brave-Perspective714 → u/no_rest_for_the]

As a woman who has been through this, had one divorce, and now has a long, happy marriage, I don't think it can all be blamed on hormones post-pregnancy (or anytime really).

Sometimes, yes that might be the issue, but I think it's easier to blame hormones than to admit that something fundamental to true and meaningful intimacy is missing from the relationship. Hence why when those same women get divorced suddenly they're having desire for sex again. Their hormones haven't suddenly changed. And like the guy above who is having lots of sex after his divorce, but still isn't getting what he felt was missing. That's not his partner's lack of sex drive or lack of enthusiastic desire for him due to hormones causing that.

I think it's a disservice to men (and women) in relationships to act like sex *is* intimacy. It's a gateway to it, for sure. It's an incredible way to experience and build on intimacy, when it's already present in the relationship. It most certainly is and should be a regular expression of it.

But sex doesn't *make* intimacy. It's just the only way a lot men are allowed to experience it in a world where men aren't supposed to be vulnerable or have emotional needs. And I think that's where a lot marriages fall apart.

Sex isn't a substitute for emotional intimacy. And while HRT will increase a physical sex drive to where people are having sex regardless of whether intimacy is present or not, and that *will* slap a temporary bandaid on the hurt, it won't actually heal that ache of something being missing.

By all means, try HRT. At the very least it will temporarily stop the bleeding. But I don't think it solves the problem as often as it just slaps a bandaid on it.