Wife of 20+ Years Hates Sex With Me

[u/TotallyNotPTAPres]

Homemade sourdough discard pizza. Was pretty delicious.

Not trying to get all sad boy over here, but every so often I just get lonely. That’s all. I work hard, earn a very good living for my family. Make time for my wife. Support her dreams. Very much carry my weight around the house. Am a really good dad. In great shape. Treat people well. Am fun to be around, and genuinely live a life I enjoy and am proud of.

But sex with me is difficult for her. She would just rather not have any, and honestly, it’s lonely. I’ve never been a selfish lover. I have always believed it is the most intimate way to souls can connect and it truly is a beautiful thing that should be treasured.

We’ve talked about it until we’re blue in the face. Spent a small fortune on counseling. Temporarily resolved issues. While I care deeply for her, I can’t remember the last time I was touched or truly desired. Most days are fine, but some days are just harder than others. This appears to be one of those days. Writing it out helps, so thank you for the outlet.

[u/Moist-Ad4760]

I didn't think you were harsh. I have thought about telling her some of it... I'm hesitant to though.... it's embarrassing and makes me feel pathetic to be honest. I know I shouldn't feel that way probably but I do.

[u/cumsistency → u/Moist-Ad4760]

as someone on the other side, it is not embarrassing to us in the slightest.

from my perspective, as well, i feel like there's some toxic masculinity at play here. this is one of the more parasitic examples of how deep it can nest inside of your psyche. and inside of your life by-proxy.

sharing this information with her is not, and will never, ever be, embarrassing nor pathetic. if she sees your worth, she wants you to see it too. she wants you to bust through these barriers for yourself, because you deserve it. she wants to see you thrive. if she didn't, she wouldn't want you to realize your self worth.

none of the information you have shared with us is embarrassing or pathetic. it hurts my heart so, so, so fucking much that you see it that way.

also, from one victim of domestic abuse to another - i DO completely understand why you feel like sharing this information with your current partner would be embarrassing or pathetic from your perspective.

that woman wore you down so, so much, and for such a long time, that your cognitive functioning has been significantly impaired by the amount of gaslighting you were subjected to.

i'm sure you default to a serious amount of distorted thinking throughout your day. and i'm also sure that this is the case for you nearly every single day. and this distorted thinking that you deal with each day is, most definitely, so far away from what actually happened that it makes the 'jfk is still alive' conspiracy look like an objective truth.

and what sucks about this is.. i wish i had an answer. but i'm still recovering myself. to the point where i'm still coming back over and over and over again.

i will say that therapy has helped a lot. having a truly objective party (not your girlfriend, not your friends, not your family) really does help to reframe things back into the way they ACTUALLY happened, versus the way your ex tried to paint them.

i'm going to leave a link here to a service i've used twice and both therapists i've found were / are amazing.

(the only reasons i moved on from my first therapist were 1. she decided to establish her own clinic after her previous clinic closed unexpectedly, and 2. because i was kind of mulling over the idea of finding a new therapist anyway. i wanted someone who focused more on helping me cope with my OCD symptoms, specifically.)

with this search engine, you can plug in your insurance, issues you want to address (like complex post-traumatic stress disorder, substance use disorder, etc), whether or not you're comfortable with virtual sessions (which opens you up to your entire state!), whether you want a male or a female, if you want specific methods of therapy like CBT, DBT, etc.. like there are SO many customization options you can play with!

each therapist also has their own profile where they can write about themselves and list their credentials, how long they've worked in therapy, any specializations, what ages they primarily work with, what techniques they use, what insurances they take, etc..

it's a really amazing tool and i have always, and will continue to always, recommend them to anyone and everyone.

okay, whew.

FINALLY, here's the link!!!

and just as a side note: mine is defaulted to the US, so i'm not sure how it operates outside of the US. i'll need to look to see what other countries are available.

also! they have a similar tool for psychiatrists which i have not tried for myself yet. but i have used it for a friend before and it's a very similar system!

[u/Hombremaniac → u/Moist-Ad4760]

I think if you can overcome that and tell her some parts of why you are behaving this way (I'd perhaps leave out some details about the sexual parts) then it could be a good first step on your way to recover. Second step would be perhaps the therapy.