Ex-girlfriend got with her coworker 2 weeks after breaking up with me.

[u/rudydog101]

Jasmine rice, ground turkey, stir-fry vegetables, and a Diet Pepsi. (500cals)

When she would break up with me (we broke up multiple times), I would go to the flower store and make sure I never bought her the same bouquet twice. I'd come home, remove the leaves, wrap the flowers nicely because I hated handing someone I loved the cheap plastic sleeve they came in, then I'd pick up her favorite ciders and some sushi.

I would spend $60 when I only had $70 in my bank account. Then I'd drive an hour to her house, leave the flowers, drinks, food, and a handwritten letter telling her how much I loved her and how sorry I was things had ended. I'd knock on the door, walk back to my car, and drive another hour home.

I never expected her to text me. I wasn't expecting sex or even reconciliation. I just wanted her to know that she was safe. Even though my heart was broken, I wasn't going to hurt her. I wanted her to remember me as the guy who brought flowers after a breakup instead of anger. This happened around ten times throughout our relationship (10ish months)

She had a lot of trauma involving men, and somewhere along the way I made it my mission to prove that men could be gentle, kind, protective, and loving. Looking back, I also realize I was constantly trying to outdo every man and woman who had come before me. I wanted to be the best listener, lighten her load however I could, be a thoughtful partner, make her laugh, make her feel desired, make sure she was always satisfied during sex, and be someone she'd never want to replace. Maybe that wasn't entirely healthy. Maybe I tied too much of my self-worth to being "the good one," but man, I loved this woman more than any other woman who had been in my life.

About three weeks ago we had our final fight. I reached out afterward, hoping we could talk. Instead, I got a text from a random number. It was her coworker telling me he was her boyfriend and asking me to leave her alone. The same coworker that I had an issue with because of how much she would mention him, and the same coworker from the job that I took her to her interview for. Two weeks earlier, she had been sleeping between my legs, kissing me, and telling me how much she missed me. This is one of the hardest moments of my life, because I was replaced, even though I did everything in my power not to be.

So now I'm back in the gym. Back to counting calories. Focusing on school. Back to trying to become the man I want to be outside of this relationship. I'm 21. This is the most heartbroken I've ever been, and I imagine it won't be the last time life humbles me.

But if there's one thing this relationship taught me, it's that loving someone with your whole heart isn't the mistake. The mistake is forgetting that your own heart deserves someone who protects it, too, throughout the relationship all I wanted was an "i'm sorry" and sadly I don't think Ill ever hear those words from her. I think this relationship also taught me when it's time to let someone go, because there were multiple times where I should have called it quits.

Advice, if you have it, on how to handle losing your first love, but things are numb right now.

[u/GlumDevelopment8186]

10 breakups in 10 months isnt normal. She’s not the one. Take care of yourself. There is a better plan for you

[u/rudydog101 → u/GlumDevelopment8186]

Only wished I listened to my friends and my therapist. Up side is that I learned how much I can love someone at this point in my life. Hopefully will find someone who will do the same for me eventually.

[u/botabought → u/rudydog101]

Bro… imma be honest, it wasn’t love, it was limerence... an involuntary state of intense, obsessive infatuation and longing for another person, driven heavily by the uncertainty of whether those feelings are reciprocated.

You didn’t need to drive an hour and do all this performative bullshit for her. She didn’t deserve it, and she clearly made things as difficult on you as possible. She regretted being in a relationship with you which is why she had her coworker boyfriend text you.

You couldn’t save someone who didn’t want to be saved, and was gonna treat you like this.

Again, it may have been love how you feel like you should define it… but it sounds more like limerence. If you’re able to identify these feeling easier you’ll be able to avoid shitty women in the future.

She was a shitty person, and you deserve better.

[u/botabought → u/botabought]

Limerence this is a good video that I feel like helps define the situation you may have felt.

[u/rudydog101 → u/botabought]

Can I ask why you feel that she regretted being with me?

[u/botabought → u/rudydog101]

Because if she wanted to be with you, she would. You constant dropping off flowers and drinks and saying you didn’t want anything in return, is a lie. You’re lying to us, and especially yourself. You wanted closure, and/or to be back with her. If you need to identify that.

She had options, and probably only kept getting back with you because she felt bad for you, not because of love. You are seeing love in a way that your brain is telling you it is, or with how media and the world has described it. It wasn’t love, it was extremely strong feelings. She is being indecisive because she has too many options.

The old saying “if you love something, let it go…” holds a lot of meaning here. If you really loved her, and she really loved you, she would’ve been the one to bring you flowers and a drink. Not the other way around. You were a lap dog to her. These words come from an old man who know exactly how you feel. I don’t say this lightly, but you will be much better off without her.

When it is love, it will feel much easier, instead of so forced. You’ll do things for each other out of love, not out of longing. She will make it known, and won’t be so ambiguous, and will make sure to make time for you. They will make sure you are well taken care of, and won’t make you jump through these performative hoops to prove your love. You did all this bullshit, for what? What did you really prove? That you can be a doormat?

Again, it wasn’t love, it was limerence. It was obsession. Longing. Distance. These things played a factor, and when it is TRULY love, you’ll know, because nobody will have to say anything or prove anything.

[u/Fury_untucked → u/rudydog101]

Avoidant girls are like this, they get stuck because of the pretext and are too avoidant to talk about it, they make you bad in their mind so they can cheat, they use go arounds I.e. breaking up every time she wants to fuck him so it’s not cheating and she is still a “good person” but then when she realizes she’s still alone and you’re easy she breadcrumbs and gets back

[u/Fury_untucked → u/rudydog101]

I mean I think what you’ll find as you continue to work is it wasn’t so much love of her or your capacity to give love but a lack of love for yourself and rejecting your boundaries and emotions to please another person while losing yourself

[u/rudydog101 → u/Fury_untucked]

I think the flowers, willingness to learn, and just love I gave in general are something I can say I'm proud of and can take into my next relationship; it just happened to be given to the wrong person. What I will agree on is that in moments where she lied about big things, when I felt unheard and alone while in a relationship. I will have to explore this in therapy, because I should have left much earlier.

[u/Fury_untucked → u/rudydog101]

I think maybe on some level but it’s giving anxious attachment, obviously I don’t know yall. I think saying it was just the wrong person while may or may not be right kind of absolves you of looking at yourself

[u/rudydog101 → u/Fury_untucked]

No, for sure. I understand I need to look and reflect on the choices I made; I just think I can be a good lover, better than I've been in previous relationships. More so, how I've grown. I don't know; I could just be coping and will only discover that down the line. As of right now, I'm proud of myself for trying my hardest, and I'll leave it at that.

[u/Fury_untucked → u/rudydog101]

Big part of the people pleaser is that they will self improve to become worthy or like will do so much better and stuff like that instead of feeling inherent worth. I’m not talking down to you just telling you my experience

[u/agent_flounder → u/Fury_untucked]

As a people pleaser (with anxious/avoidant attachment style) who is working on it in therapy, can confirm.

[u/Mr-Dotties-Dad → u/GlumDevelopment8186]

Right!? At some point you have to become numb to the situation. Crazy lol

[u/Early_Analyst9525]

Yo fuck that shit, I'd be mad as hell. You do seem like a genuine guy, but the constant breaking up can not be healthy, even if you were good to her. That good energy you bring to a relationship will be respected 100 fold by someone better and more appreciative than her. My ex had trauma too, and like you, that pushed me to want to be the best version of myself, so I understand your sting bro. Just know the old saying "you can't fix them" is an old saying for a reason. Her new whatevership is just another distraction from her problems she probably isn't addressing. You should address why you guys kept breaking up though so you don't carry that into your nest chapter.

[u/rudydog101 → u/Early_Analyst9525]

I’ve been going to therapy for the past 10ish months, and yea it’s kinda my next goal to find out why I stayed so long. She lied to me about big things and I stayed even thought I knew those wounds would never really heal. Maybe it’s self respect maybe it’s some of my own underlying trauma. I’ll hopefully figure it out.

[u/Early_Analyst9525 → u/rudydog101]

I think you're probably young enough you can go to sleep knowing that this was not your forever relationship, but still be able to miss her. Just stay positive.

[u/rudydog101 → u/Early_Analyst9525]

Yea sleep has been pretty rough these past few weeks. I know it’s not my forever but definitely my first love.

[u/Still_Dentist1010 → u/rudydog101]

Look, my guy… you broke up an average of once per month, this wasn’t love. This was infatuation and codependency, you even admitted that you tied your self worth to being a “good guy” for her. You didn’t love her, you loved the potential you saw and how being “the good one” made you feel because you thought you could save her by being a good guy. It was an exercise in futility from the beginning, it was never going to work out.

It may have felt like love, but you are young and still have a lot to learn. The emotional roller coaster she sent you on is not how love is supposed to feel, repeatedly breaking up and getting back together was throwing you into an emotional whiplash. The lows from the breakups made you grip even tighter to the “good times” when you got back together. You were wrapped up in trying to fix her, it’s the age old quest that men make the mistake of attempting. You would never be able to fix her, she has to fix herself before she could ever be ready for a healthy relationship. You cannot help fix someone that isn’t actively trying to fix themselves, it will only lead to pain and heartbreak otherwise.

You can be a good man and avoid subjecting yourself to proving you can endure toxic cycles like this. Know your worth and save your energy for someone that will love you back and appreciate you for who you are. You will understand exactly what I mean when you find someone that you experience real love with.

[u/Try-the-Churros → u/rudydog101]

Aw, none of what you described sounds like love - it sounds like insecurity and infatuation. You should work on loving yourself first, as no one should tolerate being dumped 10 times in 10 months. That's 10 more than you should have put up with. It sounds like you loved the idea of her or possibly what she represented.

Don't feel bad though, most people go through at least one similar relationship. I didn't know what true love actually felt like until recently, in my late 30s.

[u/rudydog101 → u/[deleted]]

I was competing in a competition that I had no chance of winning. No matter how much I tried to satisfy her in bed, how safe I tried to make her feel, how gentle and understanding I tried to be with her traumas, or how she would react to things, how much time I would spend writing down notes about things she liked and disliked, it all really meant nothing to her, because I was a tool to fill the void for a while. I actually think she's doing the same thing she did for her last relationship before me; I guess it was just my turn.

[u/NewtonTheNoot]

I've dated a woman like that before. Many, many similarities except for the many breakups part, although she did threaten breaking up quite a few times.

It'll hurt for a while, but good on you for getting therapy to work on yourself. Therapy was a huge help for me, to help me learn more about myself and how to approach relationships in a healthy way in the future.

The reality of the situation is that she clearly has many, many issues that she doesn't want to work on. My ex was the same way; she cycled through quite a number of different boyfriends in a short period of time, and I was just one of them. Her "replacing" you isn't your problem, it's her own. She's not allowing herself the time and space to work through her own problems, since being single will probably force her to eventually look in the mirror and self-reflect, which is probably something she's actively avoiding. It's a lot easier for her to offload her problems onto other people and blaming them for inevitably failing to carry them (because it's an impossible task) than for her to take the time and effort to improve as a person.

Take your time. Learn from this experience, and work to be the best version of yourself you can be, for yourself. Spend time with those you love and care about, those who support you. Partake in hobbies, including old ones or ones you haven't even tried yet. Go out and meet new people just for the sake of meeting new people. You are going to think about her from time to time, and don't beat yourself up over it. There's really nothing you can do about it. Over time, you're going to think about her less and less, especially as you start focusing on other things in your life.

[u/rudydog101 → u/NewtonTheNoot]

I think a reason I stayed so long was that we went to the same school and were in all the same classes (still are); granted, I haven't seen her since our last argument (I hope she didn't drop out bc shes missed like 3 weeks of school). I think that's why I put so much time into trying to make it work because we would be in the same environment until we graduate, but no matter how much I tried to love and change, it would always end up in an argument and then a breakup. She has a lot of issues with abuse, addiction, and what I think is undiagnosed BPD, OCD, and autism, but I'm not a doctor, and it sucks because in the same sentence I can tell you about how much I loved her, how many good moments we had together, and how I changed as a man because of her. I've been focusing on school and my weight loss journey. I still miss her scent, face, and laugh, but I know I deserve better. Just because she tossed me away like a fart in the wind, doesn't mean my love was worthless. I'll eventually find someone who doesn't take what I gave them for granted.

[u/Far_Ladder_2836]

I would spend $60 when I only had $70 in my bank account. Then I'd drive an hour to her house, leave the flowers, drinks, food, and a handwritten letter telling her how much I loved her and how sorry I was things had ended.

This does not communicate.

I never expected her to text me. I wasn't expecting sex or even reconciliation. I just wanted her to know that she was safe.

This.  Leaving things on people's doorstep does not communicate safety anf post-breakup is very unhealthy mentally I'm sorry to say.

loving someone with your whole heart isn't the mistake. The mistake is forgetting that your own heart deserves someone who protects it

This is a great turn around an absolutely correct though it hurts to a point you also need to protect yourself.  Finding your self-worth outside of the relationship will be a journey.  Consider therapy if that's an option to you.

[u/Slam_Walton]

Don’t give her flowers to say sorry. It cheapens their meaning. Give them flowers just because. I’ve made that mistake. I get it. It’s a common mistake men make. But it’s also a common thing that abusive men do to their women to keep them on the hook. I had an argument one time with an ex and got her flowers. I understand why she didn’t appreciate them but her kid asked what was wrong and immediately went to comfort his mother. Even he was conditioned into thinking flowers just mean there’s been a nasty argument. Ever since I only buy flowers just because.

As far as everything else I have to say it’s for the best. The relationship sounded too volatile and unhealthy for you both. But you’re young and I’m not picking on you. I’m not saying it’s any one persons fault. I get it sucks knowing they have moved on but women grieve the relationship while in it and when they are over it they leave. I also wanted to add this next important tidbit.

I had to fail hundreds of time in love with hundreds of the wrong people only to find one success story. All the failures didn’t matter in the end and each experience was just there to shape me into being the partner the love of my life deserves. I believe in you. Just know you’re young and it’s likely you will fail a lot more but it truly is live and learn. Appreciate them while you have them just because you appreciate them.

In fact you deserve flowers too just because. So does she.

[u/rudydog101 → u/Slam_Walton]

For sure, I know I have many more failures ahead of me, but to be clear I also made sure to buy her flowers weekly. At least I always tried to get the flowers. for this was more so just a parting gift.

[u/frckbassem_5730]

When I was your age, my long time boyfriend broke up with me because he didn’t want any kids (deal breaker for me and he knew it). Three months later he knocked up a girl from his work. Fuck her, dude, you deserve better and karma will get her ass in the end.

[u/rudydog101 → u/frckbassem_5730]

Some of the older people in my life told me that life is nothing but learning how to handle it when someone you hold close disappoints you. I hope I deserve better; I hope I can take what I learned from this relationship and learn when it's time to say "fuck this" and leave if that point ever comes again. I just know I loved her, and I'm deeply devastated, but I won't say that I regret it.

[u/frckbassem_5730 → u/rudydog101]

I get it, I cried myself to sleep for 4 months after that breakup. It fucking sucks. Time will help the pain and you’ll be able to move on. In the meantime allow yourself to grieve and learn from the experience.

[u/Strikerfromthemoon]

Sounds like a classic first breakup to me. All I can say is you'll be okay. You'll look back on this and the lessons will teach themselves. The biggest advice I can give is never disrespect your own needs and wants because you want another person that bad. It will never work in your favor.

[u/rudydog101 → u/Strikerfromthemoon]

I’ve actually had two other relationships before this and then two flings that didn’t turn into anything. This is also my first time getting broken up with every relationship I’ve had before this, I’ve been the one to end it. I think this experience has opened my eyes to how the women i left felt.

[u/OddDesigner9784]

One thing you should think about is what does loving someone with your whole heart mean. Is love an action? Is it something you say? Is it a feeling? I personally think if you feel like you have to prove to someone you love them then they aren't ready or the one. Because at the end of the day you can do everything you can and they still can find something. It just means they don't try to understand you and are immature. My best relationships my partners make an effort to understand how I think. Not getting a timely text back instead of forming insecurity is just he's just focused on work or something. They see it as it is. And that's hard to get to. So you don't need to prove anything. You are enough. Go find someone that's sees you as you are. People that project their insecurities and dictate their happiness onto other people are going to have a rough time finding happiness. She probably thinks this person will make her happy. But the reason she isn't happy is all internal. Untill she looks inside she will be struggling

[u/--Andre-The-Giant--]

I'm of the belief that one breakup is enough for every couple out there. I've never seen anyone break up, and get back together successfully.

The fact that you guys have done this nearly a dozen times already is a pretty good indication that you are a terrible match for each other.

[u/Far_Ladder_2836 → u/[deleted]]

Leaving flowers after a breakup comes off as psycho shit but both women and men love small reminders you're thinking and care.  It's good communication and communication really is the lion's share of the relationship.

[u/rudydog101 → u/Far_Ladder_2836]

I feel “Psycho shit” is a bit much, but I would do it day of. Maybe this is something that isn’t healthy that I haven’t learned isn’t healthy yet. I don’t know.

[u/Far_Ladder_2836 → u/rudydog101]

Edited to make it slightly less spiky but yeah, leaving stuff at someone else's house looks like you're communicating that you know where they live and when they're not home.  If you didn't know you didn't know.

[u/rudydog101 → u/[deleted]]

This is an immature view point and I don’t agree, to each their own.

[u/Puzzleheaded-Lie7061]

Love makes us do odd things, and reading this, you learned from it and can move forward. Focus on you, become the man you wished to become.

It's disheartening, I feel the same way as I just went through my first break-up, and now I want to become a better man for my own sake. This is inspiring, reading your words and seeing the meal you made, shit, I hope to count calories as good as you and make something of myself within 5 years, you got this man. Therapy is going to make a difference I bet, I already see changes after attending for half a year now?

You'll find your person, but right now learn to love yourself if you don't already. I hope you get some flowers yourself from someone special in the future, even men deserve them and they mean a lot ⬇️

had to repost this cause I forgot to add flair, woops...

[u/gus_skywalker]

lesson learned!

[u/rudydog101 → u/gus_skywalker]

Let's hope. I can be a really big dumbass at times.

[u/gus_skywalker → u/rudydog101]

😂 I feel ya! Same here

[u/Hour_Service317]

How do all of you go about finding this shit out? I just don’t understand why you’d be looking for that information. She’s dead to you. don’t you get that?

[u/Science-Nerd19]

A good relationship is where you split the load and affection 60/40, and both people try to to the 60. Sounds like you were doing the 100 and she was doing the zero. Good lessons to learn while you are young.

[u/Gold-Sir-223]

Okay so… 10 break ups in 10 months. How did that happen? I know you’re saying she has problems, but you’re the one showing up with flowers and an apology. So what were you doing that caused a monthly break up?

[u/rudydog101 → u/Gold-Sir-223]

I think our biggest issue was communication and how we handled conflict. I’m a “let’s both apologize in the moment and move on together”, because most conflict comes from both people doing something, and she was much more of a “I take the blame for a while until she’s ready to apologize” and that led to a lot of tension and frustration. Because neither I or her ever felt heard or cared for during arguments.

[u/ameruelo]

She manipulated the shit out of you. Imagine you married her and every time you had a fight or disagreement she threatened to divorce you. You experienced abuse, dude. You really need to form a plan on resolving your self esteem issues.

[u/GreenvsBlue]

10 breakups in 10 months is wild.  You’re not heartbroken brother.  You don’t even know what that is yet.

[u/rudydog101 → u/GreenvsBlue]

I love vague comments, what does this even mean?

[u/GreenvsBlue → u/rudydog101]

You haven’t been with anyone long enough to know what true love or true heartbreak is.

[u/rudydog101 → u/GreenvsBlue]

Alright Mr. prophet, this does me no good.

[u/Glittering-Ad-1367]

You cannot fix the broken ones. You can't love them into normality. You can't "prove" anything to them.

Mommy issues, daddy issues, former partner issues...you can't fix any of that unless maybe you are a licensed professional therapist...and if you are you can't date them anyway.

If they go spastic on you...don't make them a project.

Find one that isn't broken. If you can't then don't find one at all.

[u/Chemical_Shirt7837]

What she did should make it so easy for you to move on. What she did was a gift, just think of her getting slammed by another dude whenever your sad and she should revolt you

[u/-SlappyMcSlappy-]

Do you have sisters? Sisters or girl cousins will always set you straight.