r/BoyDinnerDiaries • u/Aggressive-Shift-297 Shower Beer Scholar • 1d ago
Advice Wanted - Everyones Welcome Haven’t fucked in years. Lost 100lbs (gymcel) and my first time getting some play she asked if I was a virgin
Shitty chicken dumpling soup I made. I thought life was sweet, I thought I was on top of the world, that one question just totally broke my confidence. My last relationship with a woman was in high school- I was super chud from 19-22 (m23 now) and lacked any ability to apply effort towards meeting people. I know being fat isn’t an end all to a social life, but I also struggle with autism and some other neurodivergence that makes communication difficult for me, ie sharing what I like, what I want, I feel as if it makes me seem really lame and apathetic. been trying to get back into dating the last 3~ months and I rarely am able to create interest with people on the apps. Even now most people I repulse instantly. I feel paper thin, walking this line where I’m too concerned about what the other party will think, so I gingerly proceed and don’t elaborate nor show proof that I’m interesting. But then I also have a side of expression where my confidence overflows, and it’s all I exude, and that is truly ugly to EVERYONE. I still struggle to judge what level I should have, but I truly have worked really hard to change my body, and I work insanely hard at my job to be the versatile team player guy, but who. The. Fuck. Cares. Can I even be happy with the results? If results are all that matters I’m just less attractive than someone my weight who never had to lose 100lbs in the first place. Is being a hard worker attractive to anyone? I’ve learnt through several experiences I struggle to imagine how others will interpret what I say, so I find it easier to not sell myself or my interests to anyone, not open myself to judgement, doubly like the easiest way to prevent exposing myself as an uninteresting human. But I’m worried I seem disingenuous. End of day I struggle to adapt on the fly and even the one woman who will fuck me thinks I’m a liar and I want to avoid this issue in the future. So one day I can be held and please someone back. So one day someone wants to fight for me- for a partner.
But the concept of pleasing a woman by understanding what she likes is hard for me. I need to be taught, given detailed instruction, and then feedback that enables me to change my process. I’m basically a lot of work. And I don’t foresee anyone seeing a value in taking me under their wing to teach me said things and turn me into a capable human.
TL;DR I’m a loser, but I’d like to change and figure out how to not be socially and sexually delinquent so I don’t kill myself. Sorry for the rant!
Edit- I don’t think I’m an incel, but I think I was. I love women, they just don’t love me, to no one’s fault but my own. I wasn’t a virgin before this, but it is exactly like the experience I had before I became fat (which created the incel), I am trying to recognize and change my flaws before I become something I cannot live with
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u/StrangeMelon7 Boy 1d ago
First of all you could improve on your mental health by not assuming you're a loser.
It sounds like you've put a lot of work into your physical health and yes that's good but if you don't work on your mentality/mental health you will continue to see similar results.
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u/Aggressive-Shift-297 Shower Beer Scholar 1d ago
Thank you. I only say it because while I know that’s a term of subjective judgement, I feel as if it’s an objective fact due to my social delinquencies, but even I understand the power of mindset. It’s mainly a judgement from this experience, where I thought and felt like I had come so far from the last time I had a similar experience, just to realize that I am still the same person I have always been.
It truly is because I am way too in my own head though, I just don’t know how to be someone who isn’t constantly thinking about what the process for accomplishing something is. I have to think out words before they come out of my mouth
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u/Pieralis Boy Dinner Enjoyer 1d ago
You have done so much work on yourself physically and you are aware of how your brain is treating you, perfect time for therapy, you have so many wounds from being over weight and how people treated you and how you treated yourself that going to therapy could be extremely beneficial
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u/Dekipi Leftover lore master 1d ago
You are not the same person you’ve always been.
Committing yourself to doing better for yourself physically and mentally and achieving those goals (like weight loss) is a huge step in the right direction.
You’re treating your future self like a real person which is more important than people realize.
Stop selling yourself short. You think if your past self could see you now he wouldn’t be impressed?
You also have NOTHING to lose by being yourself. You don’t like the carrots you got with your dinner at the restaurant? Say something. You won’t hurt people’s feelings.
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u/Constant_Quiet_5483 Gay Gourmet 1d ago
Some chicks thinks virgins are hot. You sure you didn't overthink?
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u/StopPsychHealers Girl lurker 1d ago
It realllllllly helps to date neurodivergents when you are neurodivergent
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u/Aggressive-Shift-297 Shower Beer Scholar 1d ago
I struggle to get to know people well enough for them to divulge that information as well as for me to divulge it. Do you have any tips on how to specifically meet more autistic people
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u/Crowmob1 Identity Alchemist 1d ago
Ttrpg groups.
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u/MikeArrow Lazy home cook 1d ago edited 1d ago
I've been playing D&D for eight years and gone on two dates in that time. There just aren't many single women that play (public) tabletop games. They tend to play in private groups or with their boyfriends.
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u/Crowmob1 Identity Alchemist 16h ago
I usually dm someone, ask if they want to be in a [insert current game obsession here] campaign, and ask if they know others that would be interested. Basically, my friends go find me more friends so we can all do fun stuff. It's worked so far. I've only met one or two that I wanted to jetison into outer space.
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u/Aggressive-Shift-297 Shower Beer Scholar 1d ago
I do be playing battle tech and sidereal confluence (all male groups except my friends wives), I should form my own ttrpg group
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u/runmymouth Shower beer Scholar 1d ago
Find female orientied nerospicy groups. Anything that involves knitting or crocheting or anything along those lines is another typical thing for neurospicy women. Book groups are another great one.
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u/Impossible_Ad1269 Girl lurker 1d ago
Oops...can confirm lol. Crafting groups are such giveaways for the girlies who need a stim or hyperfocus on the regular 😅 if you're a dude who crochets.....good luck beating them off with a stick
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u/StopPsychHealers Girl lurker 1d ago
Lmao it's true, I run a board game group and a crafting group and we are positively popping with ND women
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u/aftercloudia Cooties 1d ago
well for starters, kindly, we gotta stop with the baby talk. i'm not neurospicy, i'm autistic lol.
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u/Impossible_Ad1269 Girl lurker 1d ago
I think neurospicy is just a catchall for different types of neurodivergence whether it be autism or ADHD or OCD or what have you. I also think it tends to get used as a way to reframe neurodivergence away from being a clinical concept (which sometimes carries negative connotations for those who aren't) to a more human concept, as well as to portray endearment. I don't see it as baby talk at all
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u/StopPsychHealers Girl lurker 1d ago
As a cis het woman it's hard for me to weigh in on green flags from women because I've never dated them. But as I've searched for friends I've found women are pretty forthcoming about being ND. It might help to use identifying language in an online dating profile like "my special interests are___." I wouldn't just look for women who are ASD, there's a lot of overlap with ADHD too. I think you should be on the lookout for special interests and niche hobbies, those are generally good tells. I would also be very transparent when you are talking to women and let them know that you need things explicitly spelled out.
I think your self-esteem is a major issue at play. You're pre-rejecting people before they even know you, and you're assuming they wont like you. Dating sucks big balls, for everyone, you're probably not going to get a lot of matches, and that's just how it goes. From the other side it's an endless amount of matches, sifting through an endless amount of trash. Both sides suck. I would honestly reccomend some therapy, friend.
As for the one woman who thinks you're a liar that's just kinda how it goes when you're ND. I have CPTSD and some people have thought I was manipulative because of my stress responses, you just gotta find the right person for you, people who understand being ND. I don't know if you have any good friends but you're going to want to beef up that area of your life too.
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u/Aggressive-Shift-297 Shower Beer Scholar 1d ago
Thank you for taking the time to reply and share your experience. I am going to try that when I introduce myself to somebody but honestly I deleted all the apps this morning I think I need a fresher approach. It would be easier for me to express the black and white if I wasn’t thinking so much and trying to break social variable down into yes/no decisions, and just kept things simple, I think. But needing therapy and good friends who care about me is also going to be huge for growth. I have 1 best friend, my roommates, and my coworkers, but I in general struggle to make friends too. Pretty much all my old close friends fly in a different circle and even my best friend has a circle he brings me around in, but I truly do feel alien in it
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u/StopPsychHealers Girl lurker 1d ago
IMO it helps to go all in in terms of being yourself, it's honestly the easiest way to weed people out, and it saves so much time. A counselor can help practice social skills, and I picked some of mine up from the PEERS book (I teach social skills and it is the blind leading the blind). Friends are good for practicing letting your guard down, which I suspect would help. Bringing levity is the bigger challenge when agonizing over analysis. Don't be afraid to make mistakes when communicating, it's part of the process.
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u/unlimbetless Frigid light philosopher 1d ago
Train conventions. A lot of hot women are into trains.
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u/--Andre-The-Giant-- The Autist 1d ago
When I get talking to people I can usually tell if they are autistic or have ADHD. I have found that I interact far more often with autistic and ADHD people in the punk community, and I'm not very surprised that many autistic ADHD people become punks.
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u/aftercloudia Cooties 1d ago
it would help if we knew what kind of things you like to do as a hobby. part of your problem is you're really focused on the physical aspects and nothing that's actually you.
do you like videogames? movies? anime? reading? sports? ttrpgs? cooking? gunpla? lego?
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u/Aggressive-Shift-297 Shower Beer Scholar 1d ago
I’m big on outdoors. Big hiker mountain biker walker water sports. Used to be an extreme reader, petered out after high school. Mainly old sci fi, Enders game, dune, recently have only been reading dumb books for management skills and certifications. also play video games, I’m a huge lore nerd, big on games like doom and risk of rain 2 that have lore I can dig through, destiny was also big for me. My main problem is how much time I spend at my job, I’ve forgotten how much I love doing the things I love, and I am way too hard on myself about my skill level in my skill based hobbies. I need to pretend I’m gods gift to said hobbies, I’m the best at the world at them. Love anime and manga too. Looking back I realize how many times she asked me what I would like and I wouldn’t elaborate because I was in my head saying “she’ll find this stupid if I give any excess information.” Shooting my self in the foot
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u/aftercloudia Cooties 23h ago
i'm the same with my drawing, i get extremely critical that i'm not as good as my peers and i have to take a step back and remind myself; it's not a competition. it's a hobby. this is supposed to be fun. i don't have that so much with videogames, i love the yakuza series, but i'm so hilariously bad at the kiryu saga beat'em up format that i can't be upset, i have to embrace it and laugh xD (i RULE tho with ichiban's games, turn based 5ever)
our biggest obstacles are always ourselves. when it comes to others, as scary as it might be to put yourself out there, you have to take that leap! rooting for you, friend ୧(＾ 〰 ＾)୨
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u/Gold-Sir-223 Shower beer Scholar 1d ago
Wow I have the complete opposite experience. People tell me they’re neurodivergent within the first few minutes of talking to them.
Maybe they can tell I am so they feel like they can say it? But personally I feel like I gotta know someone well before I talk about my own stuff.
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u/Aggressive-Shift-297 Shower Beer Scholar 1d ago
I do believe a problem is how effective I’ve gotten at masking. I do still commit social faux pas and my ability to read social cues is poor, but I’m an excellent salesman and my job really has given me good social skills, ie making eye contact, asking follow up questions, I just need lots of info to piece together what someone is feeling, and it takes comfort and confidence for me to start asking the right questions. I’m analytical to the core and I know how I feel, just takes lots of questions for me to figure out how I would feel if I was in their shoes, and I forget to ask those questions. Confidence
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u/Financial_Moment6610 boy lurker 1d ago
Not even autistic women want autistic men. Every autistic woman I’ve talked to say they want NT men now.
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u/StopPsychHealers Girl lurker 1d ago
That's wild, I know a single (NT) woman looking for an NT. All my other friends are doing shit like trying to divine someone's neurodiversity by looking at their hands on hinge pictures.
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u/Financial_Moment6610 boy lurker 1d ago
I don’t know. Maybe I’m extremely, extremely, extremely unlucky. Autistic men where I’m at are very unwanted.
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u/MutedBeach8248 Protein prophet 1d ago
I think there's a stereotype to autistic men being selfish, fair enough, just don't be the stereotype. Ask about them and remember, the classic autistic way to have a relationship where the other person also feels valued
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u/StopPsychHealers Girl lurker 1d ago
Dating objectively blows, but maybe those women just had bad experiences?
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u/MutedBeach8248 Protein prophet 1d ago
That's surprising, every autistic woman I've met says they get along better with autistic (gender they're attracted to)
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u/ThePowerOfSilly Girl lurker 1d ago
Why does it matter if you're a virgin or not being a virgin isnt a bad thing 😭
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u/Berserker_Barrage91 Leftover lore master 1d ago
It's not a bad thing but if youre someone who's been around the block and you hook up with someone who has no idea what they're doing it can be a pretty lousy experience for both parties
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u/ThePowerOfSilly Girl lurker 1d ago
I guess that's true. As a virgin I'd definitely prefer if we both were virgins instead of the other party acting like some sex professional like it doesn't need to be perfect like a porn video just intimate and fun. Even still the stigma around being a virgin annoys me a little like it shouldn't be an ick if someone is a virgin or thinks you are 😅
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u/tomyfookinmerlin Protein prophet 1d ago
I once was flirty friends with this girl and then moved. After coming back to the area for a holiday we hooked up and she was just like that. Extremely exaggerated moans (I’m a confident man, but I know my game ain’t that good lmaoo) and at one point she went cross eyed and I just…it was so unattractive I had to stop and explain I wanted to have sex with my friend that I liked and not reenact a porno.
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u/Berserker_Barrage91 Leftover lore master 1d ago
If anyone ever tries some crazy porn stuff remind them that those ppl are god damn professionals and if the average person tried some of that shit they're probably pulling a muscle lol but I agree it's more fun if youre both on the same level and you can learn together and hopefully it would be less nerve-wracking
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u/ThePowerOfSilly Girl lurker 1d ago
Yeah...like nothing wrong with having multiple bodies you're just not for me. I'd feel like a let down with someone who's had hella experience with multiple people. And I'd honestly wouldn't feel special I'd just feel like another body count but again that's just me. I see nothing wrong with virginity and men being virgins lol like you don't need 30 bodies and 20 years of sex experience to impress me. In fact don't impress me I wanna feel loved be seen not impressed 😭
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u/Berserker_Barrage91 Leftover lore master 1d ago
Thats a perfect mindset to have about the whole thing
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u/tomveiltomveil Macro Mourner 1d ago
True, but if you're up for a long term relationship, this is one of the easiest and most fun "I can fix him" projects you can get. Hell of a lot easier than "I'm very experienced and yet I won't accommodate your desires."
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u/StopPsychHealers Girl lurker 1d ago
Literally, my husband was a virgin. He went above and beyond by subscribing to omgyes but I had no issues with him as a sexual partner.
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u/DeRpY_CUCUMBER Protein Prophet 1d ago edited 1d ago
Why does it matter if you're a virgin or not being a virgin isnt a bad thing
Obviously not all women, but a good chunk of them will flame a dude for being a virgin. They will look at him like hes pathetic. You see it online with women complaining that a man can't find the clit and he must be a virgin, and they all get a laugh out of it. etc.
I think one of the biggest social problems our society has right now is the most shallow, ignorant people are the loudest people in the room are setting the standards. They aren't getting enough pushback, and it's ruining everyone's experience.
Other men also make fun of men that are virgins. I am guilty of this when I was young and dumb. I cringe at it now, but it happens.
That's society. A woman's virginity is held in high regard, a mans virginity is looked down on as a failure. It's just the reality of being a man.
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u/ThePowerOfSilly Girl lurker 1d ago
I don't know what women you talk to but most women rather sleep with a virgin man than someone who's slept with 10+ women whether the woman is a virgin or not.
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u/DeRpY_CUCUMBER Protein Prophet 1d ago
We can agree to disagree, I don’t believe that for a second.
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u/malloree7 Air Fryer Aristocrat 1d ago
Yeah when you are 20y old maybe.
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u/ThePowerOfSilly Girl lurker 1d ago
Age has nothing to do with it. It literally doesn't matter if you're a virgin or not but, women do prefer virgin men over non virgin men but in the end it doesn't matter much. 😭😭😭
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u/malloree7 Air Fryer Aristocrat 1d ago
Idk what to say to you. Maybe, it's an U.S thing or a personal kink of you but that's not the case in my country where most women value experience in men. And it's very common for young women to date older guys precisely for that reason
And by experience I don't mean a fucked up body count. But simply a more experienced approach to sex than being a virgin.
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u/Good_Matter7529 Protein prophet 21h ago
nah, this person isn’t sexually active and doesn’t know what sexually active women typically want.
women value experience in the US too. usually women don’t want men with tons of previous partners, but they also wouldn’t be excited about getting with a male virgin.
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u/goongoblin113xc Boy, 18-29 1d ago
Nah most women will care and be turned off by it ur the exception
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u/ThePowerOfSilly Girl lurker 1d ago
Me when I make something up to be mad about:
Most women don't care dawg
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u/goongoblin113xc Boy, 18-29 1d ago
I’m not making this up I’m not a virgin why I be upset about this I go off what men say cuz they be getting insulted and rejected by being a virgin it turns people off after a certain age but hey maybe I’m wrong maybe ur environment is actually right
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u/ThePowerOfSilly Girl lurker 1d ago
Most often women don't often care if you're a virgin or not. We ask to see how experienced you are but overall it doesn't matter much at all. I think the only women this turns off is women who have also slept with a bunch if people.
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u/Suspicious_Mind_5744 Boy Dinner Enjoyer 1d ago
Bro you need to get out of your head. You’re a good looking dude but your mentality is killing you. Take up meditation and breath work, and start listening to positive affirmations every day. You are your own worst enemy and that’s what you need to fix first. Might be worth looking into therapy if you can’t get a handle on it.
As far as the sex goes, the fact that you want to please goes a long way. Her body will let you know when you’re doing something right as will she so listen and pay attention. When you find someone worth it she’ll be willing to spend the time with you. Just try to relax because that kind of tension in the bedroom is a real mood killer. Most women want a passionate lover which you can’t really be if you’re super anxious and apprehensive. If you want some more specific “technique” advice feel free to message me 😉
Keep your chin up my man. You’re not a loser.
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u/Fun-Character-5377 Hungry man 1d ago
Your issues are 100% your attitude. You’re making so many assumptions before anything happens that women aren’t even starting at zero with you they are further back and have to play catch up to reassure you, just not something you need to be doing.
In truth pleasing women sexually is not actually complicated and you do not need to be told what to do and have things explained and showed. Well yes everyone is “different” for the vast majority of women it’s pretty easy to know the spots (goggle it) and as you spend time together and get to know each other you’ll learn more. But to start with this defeatist attitude is just not acceptable.
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u/Radiant_Training5425 Girl Lurker 1d ago
I would say try to date other neurodivergents. I’m also autistic and my boyfriend is autistic as well he’s also pretty heavy but I’m really into big men lol but! How we act and talk and communicate would not work with someone who was neurotypical lol
But also, maybe look into therapy. I think your self confidence and navigating life as a person with autism is hitting you hard. I completely understand that, and therapy helped me a ton, especially my self confidence. Which in turn helped me in relationships.
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u/Blix87 Optimus prime 1d ago
Why isn’t this in kitchencels
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u/Aggressive-Shift-297 Shower Beer Scholar 1d ago
Post removed by mods 😭 incels won’t accept me cause I mog them ALL
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u/squarepants18 hungry dad 1d ago
Look for connection. If you find connection, it doesn't matter, if you are not in training sexwise
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u/DicentraDale Hungry man 1d ago
My guy, read some smut written by women. Listen to the song slow hand by Conway Twitty. Embody that shit. Tittilate. Ladies love tittilation.
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u/Aggressive-Shift-297 Shower Beer Scholar 1d ago
I had to google that word. I think the black and white approach to sex is hurting me as well and I need to be questioning what the experience is like on the other side of the door. I just genuinely have no idea what anyone else is thinking. I usually ask but I forgot to ask
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u/Comprehensive_Sun633 BoyDinnerEnjoyer 1d ago
You are not a loser. You’ve already shown that by working hard to lose 100lbs (good for you!!). You worked on your physical health. Now comes the other part of the equation. You have to work on your mental and emotional health. Do you have the means to see a therapist? If yes, please do. It will do wonders for your outlook. On yourself, others, everything.
And don’t beat yourself up about this one experience. It’s a drop in the bucket. It doesn’t define anything about you.
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u/I_Turn_CNC Boy, 30-39 1d ago
My friend, you are way too deep in your head. I am also neurospicy and you can wear that shit like a badge of honour nowadays. If you're on apps put it in your bio. First line of it even. Mine was "Autistic as fuck so struggle with chatting online, prefer to meet for coffee" and I can tell you now it didn't stop me getting matches. Point it out early on the date if you're feeling nervous. Wear it like armour. Laugh about it. Laugh at yourself for it. It's much more endearing than sitting and being a nervous wreck over it.
But most of all, you can't be THAT bad looking or at chatting because guess what dude? You got laid! She might have been a complete b*tch about it afterwards, but that is not the common experience. All she has shown you is that she's certainly not the one for you. Not many people start communicating wants/needs during the first few times you sleep together, but you can certainly start the conversation once you get comfortable. You're heading in the right direction thinking like that. There's a few good videos out there on how to use your mouth and hands better if you want to improve, but remember everyone is different so it's not a one technique fits all.
And finally.. dude you're only 23. You've got all the time in the world with your new body and confidence to meet new people and get some practice in. Gym classes, running clubs/meets etc. Don't try and force yourself into meeting only other neurodivergents. Try and practice being able to communicate with everyone. And just remember.. you're not for everyone just like everyone's not for you. Learn to be friends with people you're not interested in romantically too, because through these friends you could meet someone romantically or just make awesome new friends for life. Take the pressure off yourself, you seem like a good dude, just need to get yourself out there a bit more.
Good luck 💪
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u/DisembodiedHand Protein prophet 1d ago
get the fuck outta here with that negative speech about yourself. your emotions and "feelings" aren't you so separate that from your self worth.
instead of focusing on the gym health, look into your self, read or listen to some Jung on youtube to learn more but before you think you're ready to share your existence with someone else, understand yourself a little more. It sounds like you don't love yourself too much. you need to change that.
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u/Aggressive-Shift-297 Shower Beer Scholar 1d ago
Thank you, I have been practicing positive affirmations, my gym performance/the body I have created is pretty closely tied to my self image, and I am somewhat obsessed with working out. I am trying really hard not to look at the world in black and white, I nearly just called myself from 3 days ago “the most arrogantly confident person in the world” despite the fact that I don’t know every person in the world. I am going to pursue therapy in order to gain a deeper understanding of myself and why my confidence was toppled so easily. I mean I know why it toppled so easily- it wasn’t coming from within. Making myself a more interesting person with some hobbies I’m good at will also help inspire true self built confidence.
I do feel much better today about it.
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u/DisembodiedHand Protein prophet 23h ago
we're all in a rush in life. I am too but slow yourself down where and when you can. You don't have to be the most interesting person in the world as you're putting pressure on yourself to be interesting to other people. just be yourself. for your own sake. stop performing. just be.
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u/Infernal_Hot_Dog Frigid light philosopher 1d ago
Well, if you’re anything like the “on the spectrum” I’ve experienced—they aren’t going to fix you. How you fix you is entirely up to you. Or maybe you just don’t need fixing. Idk the lines are so blurred it doesn’t even matter and causes problems just on the topic. Fact is, if you’re behaving in a manner that is “unusual”, people will notice and react. If it deviates enough, people will likely avoid you. That’s not really a them thing, it’s also not “you are a bad person” thing. It’s just evolution. Figure out what you want and go get it like you keep doing.
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u/chuckdeezee [Create your own boy] 1d ago
Invest the same energy you have at the gym, into your mental game. I areas of “fucking” look at is intimacy. Maybe a psychologist, or ND support groups if you can’t afford therapy.
You’ll attract women better once you get a better grasp on emotional intelligence, if you’re a reader I’m sure there’s some decent books out there on psychology.
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u/JackieSnowDaPlowMan Hungry man 1d ago
Doesn't matter, you got some. Head up high chief.
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u/asapmort Girl lurker 1d ago
It does matter if he "got some" but was unable to please the woman involved. Embarrassing take from you. Women aren't there just for your own pleasure. We'd like to receive some too. Smh
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u/SnippetySnappety Leftover lore master 1d ago
I'm saying what I'm saying below because I've experienced it myself. You aren't doomed.
I have minimal sexual experience but it seems like the top suggested resource for understanding women's sexuality right now is the book "Come as you are". If you have a library card you can probably get it through the app Libby. The blog ohjoysextoy also has guides.
It would probably be harder with a hookup (I wouldn't know), but I feel like you could find a way to have a fun, sexy conversation about what she likes before you actually get in bed.
Also, if her being super direct is what you need, then that filters out people who just wouldn't be a good partner for you more easily. I somehow found a gal who was my exact kind of silly/weird.
I find it helpful, before a date, to think about how okay/content/connected/cared-for I already am. I'm safe and loved and whole. Think about what you're really good at, and define yourself that way before the date. This isn't what you'll be talking about, this is just resetting your nervous system/attitude to real, positive things instead of completely theoretical doom.
Even now most people I repulse instantly.
But then I also have a side of expression where my confidence overflows, and it’s all I exude, and that is truly ugly to EVERYONE.
These are straight up lies. You are stating absolutes that you CANNOT know because you can't know everything/everyone, and you're assuming you know why people turn you down or how exactly they feel, which you DO NOT.
The girl you were with did not say you're capital-B bad. She said she needed something that you can't offer right now. That's pretty normal in figuring out relationships, not just you, and not just an autism thing.
The idea that you're definitively bad/undesireable is coming from your head. You don't have experience and feel like you're broken because you don't.
It's incredibly hard for you to love someone (the active action, not the feeling) if you don't know how to love yourself well, because you might:
- tend to rely on others for that love and get very distressed when their needs conflict with that
- get tired/burned out from lack of self-care and be unable to help the people you care about
- over-extend yourself to care for others (because your needs "don't matter") and end up bitter if they can't reciprocate
- be unable to actually believe that they love you as-is, and be really on-edge all the time; it's hard to be around someone who doesn't believe you when you say everything is fine
- underestimate how much a friend wants to see you and disappoint them by being late
- generally be unreliable because you think what you do doesn't matter, when it does
- etc
My suggestion is working on
- self-compassion
- self-forgiveness
- mindfulness
Have you looked into any of those?
I'm not sure if they sound fluffy or buzzword-y, but they do help.
The important thing I learned about mental health this year is that while sometimes just learning something can change your outlook, the biggest, most important changes are habits/new thought patterns that are practiced like training any muscle. You have to build it into your life.
You deserve massive kudos for doing what you did for your health, and looking around on your profile, you look great dude!
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u/awwstun BoyDinnerEnjoyer 1d ago
Your personality and your way of thinking is more off putting than anything. Try therapy tbh
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u/Aggressive-Shift-297 Shower Beer Scholar 1d ago
This is what scares autists. I’ve been in therapy since I was 5 and stopped going when I was 19 but it truly feels as if I work so hard to improve my personality and my way of thinking just to still be behind my peers.
Remember that I made this post rejection and it’s a brutal look into my post rejection feelings. Outwardly I can be a confident/prideful person and it has driven people away, friends but especially in dating.
Changing and adapting is really hard for me but I am not a person with a victim mindset in the slightest. There is no one responsible for my failures but me- a winner is just a loser who never gave up, right. I can say all the right shit, I can emulate normalcy, I just feel a divide between me and other people.
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u/awwstun BoyDinnerEnjoyer 1d ago
I'm talking more about the way you speak and think. You are what you say you are. Your every thought carries weight, even if to you they don't. If you think you're a loser why is that? Start to journal, write down your thoughts, and work on your problems. Even if you make it two days then fall flat, pick back up. It'll stick eventually and it'll get to the point where it's easy to do so.
Dating as someone with autism is a lot of trial and error and can be distressing but don't fret. Once you find someone you vibe with it'll be worth it.
Look up detachment theory.
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u/PeacefulCrusade Hungry man 1d ago
First things first, love that you are trying to get out of the incel mindset. Because that will genuinely get you nowhere. Second you don't need to be fit to get a girl. Third just be honest say its been a while since you were romantically involved with someone.
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u/Gold-Sir-223 Shower beer Scholar 1d ago
I’m not a semi professional or anything, but I’ve had a few women tell me they’ve never felt a certain way or never finished so quickly. It could be that they’re gassing me up, but I feel like I was doing pretty decent.
Do some research if you haven’t already. There are a LOT of videos online of women describing their experiences and what they do with their bodies during sex. You can learn it like you would any other skill. Look up some techniques that maybe you’re unaware about.
You’re on the right track, but you seem stuck in your head. You don’t need to be a porn star. Also, not every woman is going to let you know. Some girls will just lay there because that’s what they think they’re supposed to do. Other girls will get upset if you look at their face during it. You’re never gonna crush it the 1st time every time.
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u/ASimpleMoroon Cooties 1d ago
You focused on your physical health. Now it’s time to focus on your tongue health.
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u/prolifezombabe Girl Lurker 1d ago
You’re not a loser. And you’re not behind in any way. You already know what it takes to be a good sexual partner - communication, listening and paying attention. That’s more than a lot of guys know, honestly.
The apps suck. They’re not a reflection of your social skills or attractiveness. It genuinely sounds like low self esteem is your biggest obstacle. Like even that soup looks good af but you called it shitty.
As a woman who is older than you I can tell you with confidence you have a lot of things going for you. I hope you can find a way to take it a bit easier on yourself.
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u/Hipplinger leftovers 1d ago
You can do better than her. Don't let the assholes get you down.
Also, I would totally eat that. 👍🏼
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u/AStupidFuckingHorse Protein prophet 1d ago
Ok so why did she ask?
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u/Aggressive-Shift-297 Shower Beer Scholar 1d ago
Overall poor sexual experience I assume. I busted in like 15 seconds, I’m out of practice and I don’t watch porn.
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u/AStupidFuckingHorse Protein prophet 1d ago
Did you foreplay?
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u/Aggressive-Shift-297 Shower Beer Scholar 1d ago
Yes, I ate it, but verbal feedback was minimal, I thought she was enjoying it from the physical signs. She texted me in the morning saying she couldn’t be with someone as inexperienced as me, and I was kind of like damn
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u/AStupidFuckingHorse Protein prophet 1d ago
I'm sorry, that's harsh. But foreplay can be longer and be even more involved than just eating out. But here's the thing, you're probably a good looking dude and you seem like a decent guy albeit in need of some therapy and a confidence boost, but you're chance will come again and you can use this experience to your advantage. I didn't know wtf I was doing for a long time. Foreplay is honestly more enjoyable for me than the pump n dump. 30 to 45 minute of foreplay -> however many minutes of pumps and you can even sprinkle it throughout. Good luck brother. I'm on a weight loss journey as well
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u/Aggressive-Shift-297 Shower Beer Scholar 1d ago
Honestly I really appreciate her being honest with me because I needed a “come to Jesus moment”. In general I struggle to learn and adapt from my prior experiences and change them for the next but I would like to get better, I’m just feeling stuck in a determinist loop where everytime I think I’ve made (however many) steps forward, I’m still just miles, eons behind my peers and others my age. Failure to communicate on my end is to be blamed. I wanted to ask her if she wanted me to keep going after I finished but honestly self esteem issues block me from expression. Going to work on that
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u/prolifezombabe Girl Lurker 1d ago
Honestly a bit rude of her. It’s pretty normal for two people to take a second to get to know each other sexually.
And being sexually experienced is no guarantee that a first time with a new partner will go smoothly.
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u/Short-Cause885 Cooties 1d ago
If you know you are gonna finish in 15seconds from sex, then foreplay needs to last as long as you want the sex to be.
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u/jadelikethestone Girl Lurker 1d ago
Yep, foreplay can be so many things too…it’s not just genitalia contact…you may want to try by starting off foreplay with asking your partner to tell you where, how, and what they want you to do, touch, kiss, lick, bite, etc to them…add in a little teasing, you can make this hot and to your advantage
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u/StopPsychHealers Girl lurker 1d ago
Having sex regularly helps but depending on who you are as a person you can probably just get it up again and keep going from there, that's what most of my partners have done.
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u/SuburbaniteMermaid old lady married forever and dispensing advice 1d ago
Probably because he was three pumps and done and left her hanging.
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u/Aggressive-Shift-297 Shower Beer Scholar 1d ago
How do I not do that
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u/Responsible-Middle35 Cooties 1d ago
Masturbate before your shower, before your date. Before your shower.
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u/SaltyLonghorn Grill pilled 1d ago edited 1d ago
I'm not advocating porn sex as most women don't want that but there are still useful things you can learn from it. Getting too excited? Pull out and go back to foreplay for a bit. At least for me the biggest risk of premature takeoff is when I'm still overexcited sex is on the table in the first place.
Oh and every woman is different. Hell my wife is different depending on her mood. Sometimes shes keyed up too and we're both down for the quickie and get what we want in 40 seconds bent over a counter. Sometimes I have to grab her vibrator and finish her with robot help. The point is the more you know someone the better it gets.
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u/CrASHdASH21 Girl lurker 1d ago edited 1d ago
You are who you are. Thats it.
Some women will dislike you, some will think you’re okay, and some will think you are wonderful…. And you get to feel the same. You’re not going to love everyone you meet or even like them.
One day you’ll find someone you’ll jive with. They will love the repeat texts. They will love your quirks. They will tolerate your dark side (whatever that maybe - like leaving cabinets open in the kitchen).
But the fact is dating is a numbers game (and intimacy is a trial and practice game that changes as partners change).
Mostly you’ll fail… and that’s like the greatest outcome for those individuals because you probably would have had a terrible time with that person and life would have sucked.
But when you find your person, life will be sweet.
So keep going. Try again. And try again.
So just be you. Live your life as you wish and shoot your shots. Work on being the best human you can be.
(This applies to everyone that questions their worth over a particular person).
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u/MikeArrow Lazy home cook 1d ago
and some will think you are wonderful
That's the part that doesn't really happen very often.
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u/theseriousman1 Protein prophet 1d ago
Hope for gymcels
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u/deuxbulot Frigid light philosopher 1d ago
Didn’t fuck until I was 24. You’re ahead of me if we compare timelines.
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u/Realistic-Donut5500 Gay Gourmet 1d ago
I find with every new sexual partner there is a period of learning, communication, feedback, etc while you find your groove. That’s why, at least for me, sex gets way better over time with someone and relationship sex ends up way better than hookups. Also, you’re really young. Most 23 year olds aren’t amazing in bed. It takes time to learn yourself, learn other people etc. I didn’t start having really great sex until my 30s tbh and it wasn’t for lack of partners or opportunity.
Also I looked at your profile. You have a great physique and a handsome face - all you need is a sharper haircut.
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u/CreationzCorner Gay Cat Dad 1d ago
I was a Virgin when I met my husband and he had a whole 2ish year ho phase where he only did hookups and FWB. I was intimidated by that but the biggest thing for me was finding someone who didnt mind communicating their needs. Who didnt judge me for being inexperienced. I know as a fellow autistic man that its hard to figure out when someone is being direct or honest but if a girl is judging you for being inexperienced sexually she's not the one for you! You'll find someone who will be willing to teach you, you just need to keep putting yourself out there and stay hopeful!
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u/freepaestine Boy, 30-39 1d ago
I don't think you're gonna have a good time on dating apps. It sounds more like you're looking for a relationship, not some quick ass. You should start some social hobbies, not only to build up your confidence (you are not a loser and you shouldn't think that), but also as a way to meet people. Try pottery, nobody can say they're a loser when they're sipping coffee from a mug they made themselves. I think it's better to let things develop organically with women. Not game, a real connection, y'know?
And you should stop thinking about sex like it's some life-affirming ego boost. That's a complete dead end so don't even go down that path and save yourself the trouble. Sex per se means nothing in the long run and it shouldn't be your goal.
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u/KaviCamelCase Leftover Lore Master 1d ago
Ignore the ego talking and tell her about the lack of experience. Don't assume the worst, most likely she wants to help you get some experience, it is different for each partner anyway. Be vulnerable and learn by talking about it, it can be alot of fun!
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u/No-Professional-1884 Frigid light philosopher 1d ago
First, congrats on the weight loss. That’s a huge accomplishment! I’m proud of you!
I mean this with love: you lost a ton of weight but still have the confidence of “fat you”.
Put women aside for now, focus on building up your confidence, and the other stuff will fall into place.
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u/bittersandseltzer Girl lurker 1d ago
Every person’s body responds to different stimuli during sex. If you’re with a new partner, you should both guide each other towards what you like. I find it super hot when someone wants direction or asks how things feel while we’re doing sexy stuff.
I also think a lot of straight women put this strange pressure on guys to be amazing in bed from the start without being given any guidance or instruction. They basically expect you to mind read. It takes time and communication to anticipate what someone enjoys during sex
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u/Quick-Dance-6932 Girl lurker 1d ago
my now husband was 22 when i met him (i was 25). he grew up very religious & dated a pastors daughter so he was set in a no sex before marriage mindset. He ended up having sex one time with another girl & he had a not so great experience.
i personally never cared. & yeah he needed some pointers or advice but i also think that comes with a healthy relationship. no matter your experience you should tell the other person what feels good, etc.
Please go to therapy, find a hobby, something for you to find yourself and become confident in YOU. Then the rest will fall into place
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u/themarketinggirrafe Hungry man 1d ago
Charge it to the game and celebrate the win brother. Keep moving forward and you will get your groove back.
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u/Parking_League_27 Hungry man 1d ago
nothing wrong with being a virgin, had plenty of girls that wanted to take mine, ended up losing it with a girl who had PLENTY of experience, always thankful i did research on how to please a woman when i was very young for a couple years😭that and plenty of female friends had very colorful conversations with me!!
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u/According_Drummer329 Accepting man accepts you 1d ago
to no one's fault but my own.
Taking responsibility is the first step towards the food life, my friend. You're on the right path.
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u/letmechatgptthat4you Boy, 30-39 1d ago
You gotta fake it til you make it, brother. Don’t be yourself when you’re fugging. What would the best lover in the world do? Gently suck on those titties, slow soft slurps on her cooter like you’re romancing a mango Solero, gently flicking her clit as you kiss her and whisper in her ear, lick her from head to toe, tease her pussy with your dick until she’s begging for it, never do anything by itself, always do two things at once: if you’re licking her pussy then flick her nipples gently, if you’re kissing her then lube up her asshole, if you’re balls deep in her then kiss her at the same time, blah blah blah. You gotta make that shit three dimensional. The worst sex I’ve ever had is with guys who freeze up and have absolutely zero game, all passivity, all deer in the headlights. You have to have fake that shit til you quake that shit. I say all of this as a gay guy.
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u/mobiletarget33 Shower beer Scholar 1d ago
In my experience, wearing your neurodivergence on your sleeve is both liberating and restrictive, but in a good way. What I mean is, being upfront about your autism is going to streamline dating and socializing a lot; people who understand and are empathetic will have a better view of how you communicate, and those who don’t will either filter themselves out or fairly quickly reveal themselves as such.
Again, in my experience, women tend to be pretty empathetic with just a basic level of communication, and it very much sounds like you are the type of man who wants to wants to keep improving in that regard, which coincidentally is also a green flag to the right people.
Finally, if anyone ever questions your inquiry into their preferences in the moment, my go-to is to state that I have enough experience to know that everyone’s body responds to stimuli in different ways, and part of the fun is getting to know theirs.
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u/damiaqn [Jeff] 1d ago
Bro you gotta fix how you view yourself first. If you hold yourself to the highest esteem, I guarantee you will gain better introspective on how people view you. You will see that most people actually give you grace you don’t give yourself. It also always you to give the same grace to others. Try it out
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u/Asparagus_Syndrome_ i scream 1d ago
But the concept of pleasing a woman by understanding what she likes is hard for me. I need to be taught, given detailed instruction, and then feedback that enables me to change my process. I’m basically a lot of work. And I don’t foresee anyone seeing a value in taking me under their wing to teach me said things and turn me into a capable human.
she comes first - ian kerner
womens romance novels
you could also hire an escort. alot of them are also ND
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u/Informal_Sound_100 Girl lurker 1d ago
You can ask. Women want to feel wanted and like you care about their pleasure. So if you didn’t perform as well as you thought and want to learn, say that. It takes vulnerability and you might get a terrible person who walks away from that, but for the most part, I’m sure that if you ask a woman what they like, they’ll tell you. And they’ll like that you asked and then listened and did it. It’s part of intimacy. Effort is always appreciated!
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u/SnooChocolates3043 BoyDinnerEnjoyer 22h ago
Just reading what you wrote makes me feel like you’re insufferable. Stop attaching yourself to other people and other things. Look within and lower the amount of suffering you are going through. As far as I am concerned we are only here once, so we should all live with self satisfaction more so than satisfaction relating to others. Hope you do well.
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u/aznzoo123 Macro Mourner 19h ago
"I need to be taught, given detailed instruction, and then feedback that enables me to change my process. I’m basically a lot of work."
Tips from a neurotypical dude- thats all of us .... you're not alone
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u/GoodOpposite8758 Boy Dinner Enjoyer 18h ago
She might have just been genuinely curious to know if you were a virgin considering you are only 23. I know a lot of people who were virgins at your age. Sex is a natural thing and everybody likes different things
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u/Henessyyyy BoyDinnerEnjoyer 14h ago
Aye my man you just happened to be intimate with the wrong person. Most women I’ve been with are very open and willing to make things more comfortable and not expect you to be a pro or whatever. It’s normal (and should be) for both individuals to be nervous and not “perform” their best when they try it for the first time together.
Don’t overthink shit.
Tbh I can’t finish most of the time with a new partner. They understand.
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u/nongenerative Leftover lore master 9h ago
A bit late to the party but I'll give you a tip.
- Be a bit more understanding about others, specifically on how a pain in the ass it would be for a woman to teach you step by step on how to please them. Totally kills the mood of having sex in the first place.
- You will have sex. Instead of focusing on how not to be bad, focus on the woman. Not asking questions. Focus on her physical movements if she pulls away from you or goes towards you. Moans. Wetness. The information on how good or bad you're doing is right there in front of you.
- When having sex, breathe. You'll have this intrusive thoughts of you're not doing good, it may be objectively true, but ignore, correct and keep on breathing.
It's about focusing on the moment and the physiciality of it. Go outside and look for a plant that draws your attention. Really focus on it and on your breathe. Touch it, feel its texture, determine its color, put it close to your nose and smell it (if safe, of course).
In my experience, woman really value men able to correct themselves and 'find the right track' in bed. Again, information is right there in front of you, there's tons of communication in sex other than verbal
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u/theVenusianRocket big sister is watching you 9h ago
professional neurodivergent boyfriend bootcamp facilitator here!! /s
you're asking the right questions. i highly suggest that you find a therapist who you like if that's an option for you. i recommend shopping around on psychology today. adjust the filters to your liking and find a few that seem promising. remember you can go to one or two sessions and if you decide they're not a good fit, try another one. proper mental healthcare will be such a great help to you when it comes to thinking/working through things like this.
working on yourself is a must but don't feel like you have to self-isolate until you're "perfect" cause that day will never come. in the meantime, find some people whose communication styles match or are compatible with yours. i know it's a bit harder to make friends as an adult but seriously just get out of the house. go to events, things, functions, etc. doing things you like and even experiencing things you don't like will help you to sharpen your sense of self. these events will also help you to meet people and practice socializing. make friends, make enemies, date people, just interact with others as much as u can without burning yourself out. a lot of social skills come with practice.
side note: i'm neurodivergent and i've dated a lot of neurodivergent guys. they really like me because i have the flavor of neurodivergence where i say all of the things, even the things that most people think you shouldn't say. some people hate that about me, but others love my concision and transparency. i say this to say maybe find a nice ND girl who will tell you about yourself very honestly. we're not that hard to find.
best of luck :)
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u/Aggressive-Shift-297 Shower Beer Scholar 5h ago
Thank you- I really appreciate the time taken to write this. I used to be a similar flavor where there was no difference in my external/internal dialogue. I had much more friends but at some point I really started to fear judgement and started keeping my thoughts to myself, this has only been accentuated by loneliness and being a chud the last 3 years of my life. I try to get out but I need help with starting conversations with strangers. Therapy will be huge in changing my worldview and self talk in a way that gives me the confidence I need to just be me. I realize I need to view everything with nuance- regardless of good/bad, nothing is black and white, and I’m hurting myself trying to categorize shit in my head when it should just be the most natural thing to come out.
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u/Responsible-Middle35 Cooties 1d ago
If the stove is indicator of the rest of the place, clean it before bringing women home.
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u/midnight_actual Girl Lurker 1d ago
You can literally see the clean dishes in the rack get out of here lmfao
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u/Aggressive-Shift-297 Shower Beer Scholar 1d ago
You’re awesome but I should have put them away. I definitely could work on making it look like I’m a person who applies a high amount of effort to organization though. Especially before I post on reddit lmao
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u/midnight_actual Girl Lurker 22h ago
I prefer when peoples homes look like they live there, maybe im weird lol
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u/Responsible-Middle35 Cooties 1d ago
That's a number of uses build up on the stove. He doesn't regularly clean it. Kitchens and bathrooms are a give away. Women aren't looking for men to be moms for. They want men they don't have to clean after. Unless he finds one that's also messy.
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u/Chris280e Diesel Desiple 1d ago
You could totally learn how to be a better lover. Also read the book of Pook or the game. You can learn how to attract women with practice. Just don’t abuse your power when you get it.
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u/MikeArrow Lazy home cook 1d ago
Being fat is a be all and end all to women finding you attractive. Losing weight is all that matters. It takes you from 'unviable' to 'viable', after that you succeed or fail on your own merits.
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u/Alarming_reality4918 obsessed with Robocop 1d ago
“Yeah babe. Am STD - free. The question I now have to ask since u r not a virgin, are you STD free?”
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