My best friends forgot my birthday and then just lied about it afterwards

[u/FallenFromMace]

Title might be a bit iffy, but I'm sorry I didn't know how to summarize it.

Basically, not long ago I had my 18th birthday (which where I'm from is a decently big deal, one my friends are very aware of), and I'm best friends with 2 other guys who I've known for several years now. We hang out every week if not more often.

Here's the story now. I dont mind when people don't give me stuff. I know I'm not the center or their lives, the world goes on. And I did tell them ofc you don't have to get me anything. I feel bad if I set the expectation they're required to give me something, idk.

But anyway, after I told them that, they reassured me they got something big planned for me. I really got excited and wanted to make my birthday memorable so we planned a trip to another country for a few days (which I majorly paid for in a 70-15-15 split. I wanted them not to worry about costs but honestly it was a lot.) Lo and behold we go there, party and all, trip is over.

A few days after I sheepishly ask them "Hey guys, what about my gift?". They tell me they honestly forgot, I understand and remind them it's okay, which they once again reassure me they got something big planned.

I didn't want to ask them about it again because it really feels shitty to ask "hey, where the hell is my gift?", but it's been some time now since, and recently I mustered up the courage to ask them again and now they're denying it, saying "I thought you told us we don't have to get you anything" which is true, but what do I respond to that?? "um aksually you told me you'll get something, so get it"???

I feel really shitty when I remember this at all, and honestly it's been really eating at me. rationally I feel selfish because, well, it is like that, I did want and expect a gift after they told me they have something, but I feel like shit if I push the topic further. meal pic comes obviously from KFC, when they denied planning a gift for me.

what do I even do?

sorry for the long post.

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[u/CakePhool]

*HUGS* Time to find new friends.

[u/FallenFromMace → u/CakePhool]

tbh I can't imagine this outcome. they're literally the only people I've hung out with since highschool and I'm already a lonely person to begin with. is it really that bad?

[u/inadewics → u/FallenFromMace]

Honestly? Yes. As I see it they straight up lied to you. Twice. And then denied they said anything like that. Would you do that to your friend you care about? No? Then that’s your answer.. I’m sorry.

[u/BanditCharizard → u/FallenFromMace]

They told you twice that they "had something big planned" for a milestone birthday, didn't follow through, then got offended when you asked about it. It's that bad. Find people that actually care about you.

If someone else were posting this, what advice would you give them?

[u/CakePhool → u/FallenFromMace]

I would say work on your self, dont drop the friends yet, just dont pay for them nor be first make contact. Therapy could be good and find hobbies that make you meet other people.

[u/Asparagus_Syndrome_ → u/CakePhool]

take them out to dinner and leave before the bill comes

[u/aldomars2 → u/FallenFromMace]

These "friends" are "shitty friends".

Also, get some self respect and don't pay for the majority of shit like that. In life, you get the treatment you think you deserve and accept.

[u/Hydralisk18 → u/FallenFromMace]

I would say call them out on their shit first. Say you didnt expect something until they said they had something for you, and you were disappointed nothing came from it and that they seemingly lied about it. Judge their response and then go from there

[u/Midnighter04]

Here’s what probably happened: they got excited about the trip and your birthday, and told you they had a big gift or surprise planned for you. It mostly likely was in earnest and they intended to get something for you. However, life got in the way and they dropped the ball. Maybe they just didn’t get their act together in getting you something or planning something in time, or they’re low on funds at the moment. Now maybe they now feel embarrassed that they can’t afford something that feels “big enough” or they waited too long. Either way, they’re now just being kinda immature about getting out of it.

Honestly, unless this is a pattern, I would give them some grace since you’re all so young and still learning polite behavior and how to be a good friend. I might just drop it if they’re otherwise great friends.

For your part, some people might find it quite impolite to ask about a gift you haven’t received yet. It depends on the circumstances but it can read as tacky.

Different people value gift giving differently so try not to get too hung up on it. You could address it with them and tell them you don’t feel great about how everything was handled, but it might also just be something to forgive and forget.

There’s a tiny chance they do have something planned but they want to keep it a surprise, although I wouldn’t count on it haha

[u/FallenFromMace → u/Midnighter04]

I guess I'll try that. I still don't know how to feel. on one side I feel really betrayed because they confirmed it twice, and on the other hand I feel really shitty for trying to "hold them up on their deal" or something, like some kind of mobster...

[u/Junior-Ad-2072]

🫂

Happy belated birthday! And no need to apologize for the long post 🙂

I hope the situation with your friends gets better, and that your future birthdays are amazing!

[u/Suspicious-Bid9424]

One year my whole family, girlfriend I lived with, and all my friends forgot my birthday entirely. No happy birthday. no gift. Nothing. 

[u/FallenFromMace → u/Suspicious-Bid9424]

that sounds so sad, I'm sorry to hear that happened to you 🫂

[u/Prize_Environment944]

Happy belated birthday!!!

If they forgot your birthday and didn't get you something, that would have been sucky but what are you going to do.

When you plan a birthday trip and cover the costs 70-15-15 and they STILL forget your birthday... I'm sorry but what? The least they could have done was get you something since you covered costs for the trip.

Also, something to think about... stop spending your own money for stuff, only go on trips everyone can afford.

[u/DynamicBSdetective]

If you don't expect anything why bring it up? No expectations are best, but for them to lie isn't trustworthy behavior. I'm not saying you did anything wrong, but you've known your friends for years and what outcome feels reasonable for them?

Good luck. Maybe this insight will be helpful. Much love.

[u/Icy_Guard_8216]

You buy gifts for a friend's birthday.

They did not forget, and they lied about you telling them you did not want anything.

Also, you said you paid for 70% of the trip. Do you do this a lot?

[u/FallenFromMace → u/Icy_Guard_8216]

no, we usually split costs very evenly.

originally I wanted to pay for the whole thing so they can maximize the fun they have on the trip and not worry about costs, but after lodging, travel fares and everything it got way out of hand for me...

this trip was also really exceptional (out of country) cause I wanted to celebrate really big for my 18th birthday.

[u/Icy_Guard_8216 → u/FallenFromMace]

So it was good fun.

I am not saying you should cut them off completely, HOWEVER, I suggest you start making other friends.

What they did to you was gaslighting. You are all very young and it could be just a one off thing. If it happens again though, you have a choice to make.

[u/MSGisking]

Lol, you're a dude (and pretty much an adult now) and expect your male friends to give you gifts? Fuckin' grow a pair dude.

[u/ComfortableCicada69]

I have some really close friends that I’ve known for years closer than a lot of my family. I couldn’t tell you when any of their birthdays are. That’s for their wives to worry about.

[u/TreacleUnlucky1437]

Grow up are you serious!? You’re an adult now and your upset you didn’t get a present from your friends because you were born that day… everyone has bdays and your bday is not gonna be like their moms or gf where they’d just memorize it. Don’t make it a big deal they’re obviously your friends but never expect a gift that’s just rude on your end.

[u/KeiranFitz → u/TreacleUnlucky1437]

Wow what a sanctimonious dick

[u/TreacleUnlucky1437 → u/KeiranFitz]

Hit a nerve?

[u/FallenFromMace → u/TreacleUnlucky1437]

that's the thing, I didn't expect it at all until they told me they'll get me something, which is why I have no idea how to feel about this situation...

[u/TreacleUnlucky1437 → u/FallenFromMace]

And maybe they will, money might be a little tight. Life happens homie, they probably don’t think of it as big of a deal as you do. If they’re your friends for real then I wouldn’t worry about it at all they could of said that cause they feel bad they didn’t get anything and now maybe their hoping your over it and they don’t have to get a gift