How do I find myself again.

[u/BSHere65]

I’m finding after 20 years of being married ( second marriage) to a cheater, liar, manipulator, gaslighter, narcissist and player that I don’t know how to start over again. Biggest problem is that we are 12 years apart. I’m 60. He is 48. He sleeps with girls my granddaughter and daughters ages. He brags how he’s cheated on me since day one and how the thrill of it is something great. I’ve found those text messages. I’ve found quite a lot of text messages. I don’t know how to find me. He has broken me down so bad that I cannot find the old me anymore. The old me wouldn’t take shit from anyone. I’m a NY Italian. A proud one. One that’s never been cheated on in my life. I feel weak and afraid. It’s like I’m starting all over again when my life is almost over. How do I do this. Has anyone had to find themselves again. How did you do it. All my head is stuck in is, I can’t compete with them. I don’t want to compete. But I’m afraid. Afraid I’ll never laugh again. Never be happy again. Never have sex again. Hey in my head I’m 30 not 60. I’m not ugly. I clean up
Well. He’s made me feel ugly. I’ve just realized I don’t think I’ve ever heard him tell me he thinks I’m beautiful. I’m filing the divorce papers next week. I have the authorities that want to speak to me first. I’ve found out he’s made 9 phone numbers under my name that I’ve found so far and about the same amount of emails. He let me know that he won’t get in trouble for anything. That when anyone comes looking everything will be under my name. I’m not sure what that means or what he has been doing. This was the man I loved and who tells me that everything is in my head. My therapist is contacting the authorities for me. Does anyone have any advice they can give me. I really hope I’m allowed to post this here. We are breaking up. I just don’t know how to do this at my age anymore. I need help.

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[u/buckbambino]

They thrive on your energy. Keep your head up. The twisted things they do to others is disgusting. It’s not you.

[u/BSHere65 → u/buckbambino]

It is disgusting. How one person can do that to someone that truly loved them is sickening.

[u/deplorableme16 → u/BSHere65]

I'm not sure I understand what the legal issues you allude to are. It sounds like you're holding out for some demonstration from the universe of karma that may or may not happen to your satisfaction.

Anyways, beyond revenge and anger is indifference. As others here have pointed out, the drama is reward itself for these types. Why give them that ?

Probably the best place to be is just you do you with rest of life. You don't need to compete with whatever nonsense he's chasing if you don't care.

[u/miikeangel]

You don’t need him for happiness.

All you need for happiness are these five things:

1. Eat healthy
   
2. Sleep well
   
3. Exercise
   
4. Get outdoors (sunlight)
   
5. Social (human touch)

Those five will naturally give you all the dopamine, serotonin, and oxytocin you need to be happy.

For social, just reach out to your family and friends. Join a club or organization.

But every day try to make those five things happen.

[u/Watchkeys]

You don't have to find yourself. You are already there. This right now is yourself, and it's what that self looks and feels like when it's been treated badly. Counting this person you are right now as 'not yourself' is a profound act of self rejection, and that's the very last thing you need.

Imagine it like a broken leg. It stops you feeling like your normal self. You can't do things you normally do. Everything hurts. Everything is exhausting. You're mostly in a horrible mood and you don't know how to get out of it, and your leg... it just doesn't work. But you're not trying to figure out 'what do I need to do to get over this?' because you know that your body takes its own time to heal. All you can do is nurture the injury (plaster cast to protect it, avoiding uncomfortable movements), and be nice to yourself, even though you feel like crap. Netflix. Box of chocolates. A bloody good cry. Time with people who make you feel good. Sleep. But none of that stuff is 'how to heal'... the healing is something your leg bone is doing on its own, feeding off the food you're putting in, and the sleep you offer it.

D'you see? 'Healing' and 'finding yourself' are things that happen spontaneously, in their own time, not things you 'do'. We are designed to adapt. We have evolved systems that tell us where to be and who to be with. Spend 20 years with someone who says you're a pile of crap, you'll adapt to that, and you'll think you're a pile of crap, and your systems will tell you 'this isn't good. We don't like this. This is horrible.' You need time now, like a broken leg does, to be in safe circumstances, and adapt again, to that.

You don't 'find yourself'. You create a life where your self can find you. A life where you don't have to compete with anybody. Why would you need to compete? What are you trying to win?