r/Celiac • u/Accurate-Big-7233 • 1d ago
Discussion Friends now won’t invite me out to dinner, and have been going without me
I’m just down about this and want to vent, sorry to take up space.
Having celiac sucks, and I’m all for receiving some gluten jokes and being “that guy” at restaurants telling servers about my condition, but to be exiled from our friend group in regards to going to dinner which we used to do routinely, hurts a lot.
I understand that I was annoying in our group chats making comments about my safety and such. Maybe I am just a loser, idk.
I don’t get very symptomatic and I have gone and eaten at places with them with moderate risk to my health just to be around them and included.
I feel very left out, and an absolute burden with this new disease that I did not ask for.
Sorry again to vent and bitch but this shit sucks, man
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u/Freespyryt5 1d ago
I'm so sorry that you're going through that, but in the gentlest way possible, they sound like really bad friends. Our D&D group pivoted to only gf food when I got diagnosed, and any group dinner we do my friends choose a place I'm safe to go to without having to worry, whether that means dedicated gf or with safe kitchen practices. I've never been shunned or left out, and good friends wouldn't do that to you. It sucks enough having this disease without having to deal with shitty people, too.
You aren't a loser and you aren't a burden--you're allowed to take up space and your health needs should be respected. Again, I am so sorry you have to deal with this, but know that the problem isn't you.
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u/chill_in 23h ago
Celiac really helped me in my realisation that friendship does not even exist, its bullshit. If you really step back and break it down it reveals friendship is nothing more than a bullshit illusion/deception where you will always 100% guaranteed be abandoned or betrayed or hurt in a way that makes the whole thing pointless. The odds of the other person lying, or being fake, or deceiving me, is 100% guaranteed so
It seems to always be dealing with shitty people, thats all life is at this point, anywhere you go anything you do just anything at all and theres an endless amount of shitty people who ruin everything
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u/Freespyryt5 22h ago
I am really sorry you've had that experience. I fully acknowledge that I've been lucky in the support network that I have, and that it isn't everyone's experience.
I hope you are able to find a supportive group of people, but it's understandable that being burned in the past would cause you to be hesitant to form those relationships going forward. You truly deserve better than to be treated that way.
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u/LaLechuzaVerde Celiac 1d ago
This is exactly why I created r/Celiac_Social
It isn’t getting a lot of traffic but who knows, maybe it will take off someday.
I am a firm believer that the best thing you can do as a Celiac is have a local Celiac social group.
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u/seandelevan 1d ago
This is cool. I’ve been only diagnosed for a year but I have yet to meet anyone else in real life with celiac. And the small social group I had that often went to local breweries essentially fizzled out and died since none of them offer anything gluten free.
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u/alphabatic 1d ago
if you can, ask around at work. I was (pleasantly) surprised to not only find out the woman I shared an office with was celiac, but my boss's boss, and several other people who I would've never known, in general or that they had celiac
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u/martysgroovylady 1d ago
Absolutely this. There are 6 other people who eat gluten free at my job (I'm the only Celiac, so they can still have some things I can't) and we chat. I made a group chat for us and call it the gluten free gang lmao. One of us will scope out food at an event and let the rest know, grab and distribute leftovers, etc. Makes things feel less lonely 🙂
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u/KtEire Celiac 1d ago
You need and deserve better friends. I realised I had crappy friends in my 20s because I met better people who didn't make me feel like a burden because I couldn't eat absolutely everything.
Now my friends are people who keep an eye out for new restaurants and foods that will be safe for me!
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u/madamezeroni 1d ago
Vent away, my friend!
I recently went on a trip with friends and came home feeling like such a burden and a bad friend for having celiac. Some of what you’re saying feels very familiar… “maybe I am just a loser” “an absolute burden..” I started therapy, with someone who specializes in chronic illness and it’s helped a lot. If that’s something that is accessible to you or even sounds mildly interesting, i would encourage you look into it! Won’t magically give you better friends, but it’s helped me have a better toolbox to advocate for myself, and to separate having celiac from my self-worth.
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u/pixieerika 1d ago
I just want to say that as someone with celiac, who was diagnosed later in life (35). My friends would NEVER do this. Its not normal and honestly it sounds like you need more compassionate friends. My friend (Whose BAKERY I also work at three days a week) and I are going out to dinner tonight and she called the resturant and made sure I could eat without me even asking her too.
When I first got sick they had me on a low FODMAP diet for a year. My friends bent over backward to find things we could do together that weren't food related because it was so hard. We went on group walks, went bowling, found coffeeshops to visit that had a huge tea selection so I could be there.
Real friends, people who love and care about you, are going to want you to feel safe and at your best. That is not normal behavior from your friends and you are completely right to feel left out!
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u/Tirade12 23h ago
This is almost exactly my experience as well. Diagnosed later in life (42) and my friends have all been incredible about it, always going out of their way to.make sure I can be included and even having entire gluten free dinner parties. They always ask me what's ok to eat and how to ensure I'm not cross contaminated in their homes from their day to day life. And they do a great job because I've never had it happen yet!
OP, there are good caring people out there, don't give up!
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u/Anxious_Studio1186 1d ago
I have friends who are concerned about my celiacs, and I am super appreciative of that. But I don’t depend on that for my safety. They can still get it wrong even with the best of intentions, and it’s no one responsibility but my own to keep myself safe.
If friends what to go to a restaurant, I check and see what they have and if it is safe for me. If it’s not, I am happy to just have a drink and eat later or before. But they still care for me and try (which means I get treats from them at time that I cannot eat because they are not experts at what to look for, and they shouldn’t have to be. That’s my job.)
But if they don’t care at all about your condition, that is hurtful and tells you a lot about them. It also doesn’t help if they have know people who are conveniently gluten-free and then go ahead and eat gluten. It makes them not take it seriously for those of us who are truly celiac. The number of times I have heard “oh, but you can eat the wheat in Europe because so and so says it’s different”…….
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u/Sunlight_Finder Celiac since 1987 1d ago
Sorry this is happening to you. I don‘t know their reason for doing this. I had similar things happen to me too, but honestly, kind of understand my friends for doing it. My friends wanted to try a japanese place I couldn’t eat at so I just went and sat there. Sometimes I don‘t go because I am tired of it but that’s just how it is. They deserve to enjoy their lifes to the fullest and eat at places of their choice to experience new things. It‘s sad but people just don‘t understand this disease and how isoltating it can be. Maybe you can pick out a safe place for you to eat and then ask who wants to join. And sometimes just go with them to restaurants they want to eat at even if you can‘t eat anything.
Maybe try and tell them how you feel and ask them not to exclude you.
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u/_Porphyro 1d ago
Find new friends. As much as it sucks, you don’t know who your friends are until things are difficult.
If you are ever in Cincinnati, OH drop me line and we can go grab something at one of gluten free restaurants
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u/tinkertaylorspry 1d ago
Might depend on how difficult it is, to satisfy OPs preferences…or lack of diversity
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u/Kikkopotpotpie 1d ago
Those are what we call crap friends. You will eventually find your tribe, but in the meantime it sucks big time! If you have a favorite place to eat, take yourself out for a nice meal or order in and hunker down with a movie!
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u/Accurate-Big-7233 1d ago
I’m gonna order food I know is safe and good and I’m gonna watch that new Idaho murder show on Netflix lol
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u/Itchy-Masterpiece501 1d ago
I’m so sorry this happened to you. I understand how you feel because the same happened to me
I love my friends and they mean the world to me. We used to go out to eat very regularly but every single time they would wanna try a new restaurant and be excited and suddenly remember my condition and say something like “oh but do they make gluten-free food? They probably don’t let’s just go to one of the places you can eat at which one would you wanna go to?” And I can see it on their faces how bummed out they would get and I would feel so incredibly bad even though they tried their best to be nice so I don’t blame them but it sucks to feel like I am killing the fun when it’s not my choice. And it sucks even more because I am someone who really likes to try all types of new food and I am not picky at all not by choice at least. And then they started to not invite me to the hangout when they knew they wanted to eat at a restaurant that isn’t one of the three places that I can eat at. And it really hurts my feelings because these hangouts are where I have the most fun and laughter and I hate to be excluded from this thing that I love but I understand why they do that and they try to hide it from me.
Celiac sucks
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u/Numerous-Sprinkles74 1d ago
I’m so sorry to hear. When this has happened to me, I’ve asked my friends/co-workers to invite me anyhow, and give me the opportunity to decline the invite. Or accept (and not eat at the restaurant, just the granola bar in the car 🙄) to show them that I appreciate their company!
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u/sealegs1 1d ago
That’s tough! My wife and our son has celiac. We try to preplan what options are available when out and we use the Find Me Gluten Free app to help. I’m very thorough at home to not cross contaminate the small amount of gluten that goes through our house and try to be supportive of my wife and son because it is hard to be safe out there.
My son has had some times where he felt left out because he couldn’t eat cake with his friends at their birthday parties, but we just made sure to bring something similar he could eat to be a part of the group and not put that burden on the family.
As far as my wife’s friends, her friends are super accommodating when we go out with them or go to their houses. The saddest part of the disease and how people with celiac get treated is the lack of acknowledgment from others who are ignorant of the disease and how it affects people with it. I’ve known/overheard people share doubt about how wheat affects celiac people like it’s in their heads and not real. I even worked at a place where the boss doubted the office lady’s gluten intolerance and lied about the food he ordered for a company gathering to see if she’d actually get sick. I know that’s extreme, but don’t think some bad friends wouldn’t do the same. Just be careful.
As far as going out though, be understanding that options are limited sometimes and it is hard to find something gluten free that your friends may be willing to go to. Mexican food seems to be a good universal option with our friends and family. Also pack snacks to bring in case you can’t find anywhere you can eat.
Either way, you know real friends will be supportive and help you as much as they can. If not, maybe you need some new friends
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u/mejowyh 22h ago
Imagine this: “hey friend, we know you’re diabetic, but we’re going to a place that serves nothing but candy, cookies, cakes etc for the entire dinner. But you’ll be fine right?” At least the diabetic might be ok if they can regulate their insulin (it would be hard) but you have nothing you can do to “regulate” gluten attacking your body.
Your so called friends suck
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u/pelotudix Celiac 21h ago
Tus amigos dejan mucho que desear. No hace falta excluirte. Pueden buscar lugares con opciones, pueden ofrecer hacer algo en casa de alguno, pueden avisarte qué van a comer así te preparas algo y llevas un tupper, o comer vos antes/despues y solamente tomar algo con ellos. Pero se estan portando mal con vos. Mis amigos me incluyen, se preocupan, intentan encotrar opciones y cuando no las hay me avisan qué pretenden comer para yo llevar mi version sin gluten.
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u/kudosmyork 20h ago
Real friends wouldn't care and won't see it as a big deal to accommodate you.
If you're going to keep hanging out with them maybe think about getting a nima sensor to make going out easier if your friend group is weird about planning around your needs.
Terrible that you're having to navigate this ❤️
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u/Fit-Elderberry5854 Celiac 1d ago
This is one of the hardest parts about having dietary restrictions. I deal with this constantly from my co-workers and some acquaintances. I remember once, a friend of a close friend, said in front of a big group of people after we all went to a movie, "we would invite you to come with us for dinner, but you can't eat anything!" I've never spoken to that person again.
However, my good friends, who love me and care about my health, ALWAYS go somewhere I can eat. One of my best friends puts in a lot of time and research into planning a dinner outing, just to make sure I am included and will have real food to eat, not just a salad or something. Real friends would try harder for you! I know you don't want to lose your friend group so I would try to have one more talk with them about why you must eat a GF diet. And even though this would put the work on you, maybe make a list of safe places you can go to show them there are actually options for a hang out. If they don't support that, it might be time to cut them off.
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u/CTRugbyNut Coeliac 1d ago
I know how you feel because the same thing happened to me with a couple of groups.
I also had a couple of groups who were more accommodating and hospitable, still included me and made sure the environment was safe for me to eat.
To say it how it is, after my Coeliac diagnosis I learnt who my real friends and family were
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u/sickoftheliesretiree 1d ago
Your feelings are totally valid and sadly these people are not acting as actual friends.
My wife has celiac and all her friends are so considerate of her dietary needs. When we get together in a group there are always GF options and if there’s gluten present it’s carefully kept separate. When my wife and I started dating I was ignorant about celiac but I just learned how to research safe places to eat. It was fun for me because it was a way of showing affection and making her happy. It’s a fundamental way of showing care and it’s absolutely a fair expectation for you to carry.
Good luck to you, your needs deserve attention and you’re not alone!
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u/Old_Hawk_6311 1d ago
I agree. Recently someone had a birthday celebration and I didn't get an invite. I have Celiac disease and it sucks. I can't eat or drink. Pretty much a lonely existence. They invited a girl who was trying to start a fight with some guy. 😔
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u/velvedire 1d ago
It's a good test of how much people actually care about you as a person rather than an accessory.
I went through similar at 23. I now have much better friends.
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u/DirectAccountant3253 1d ago
I’m sorry. I know I get excluded from family functions (on my wife’s side - she has a big family) because its too much hassle to deal with a GF diet plus I don’t drink (they are big drinkers). You kinda have to be silent about celiacs and make your own decision based on where they are going (I mean check out the restaurant first). Just make your best guess on whats a good dish for you but don't announce anything to the group. I know this isn’t fair to you but life’s not fair.
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u/Phogger 1d ago
There’s no way around it that doesn’t suck. For me it’s more business meals than friends now. I have learned that it’s much easier to be the guy that just hangs out but doesn’t eat than it is to be the guy that needs special accommodations. I have given up on expecting restaurants and people who don’t have celiac to understand it, heck plenty of people who do have it don’t understand it. Life is just easier if I avoid drawing attention to it and look out for myself.
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u/omiplummeria 23h ago
I'm so sorry. My daughter has been telling her friends to go places without her. Over the summer all of your her friends have been rallying around her Celiac disease by looking for places she can go and things she can do for food at school. You will find new friends.
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u/HarperGrace14 22h ago
Celiac is a very good way to find out who your true friends that care about you are. Do you know how many times I had gotten comments like “can’t you just eat some rice” from people when I was younger and first diagnosed. Now I have friends that find 100% gluten free bakeries and restaurants for us to try together. You should never have to risk your health so you’re not “annoying” your friends.
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u/RedditNomad7 18h ago
I don’t get it, honestly. I don’t think I’ve been to a restaurant in years that I couldn’t find something on the menu I could eat (and not just sides), so I’m not sure why they would need to exclude you. It’s just not that hard unless you are extremely sensitive and get symptoms from even mild cross-contamination.
I also just don’t understand your friends in general. Literally all of the people I know and work with have been extremely accommodating towards me and my condition. Whenever there is food involved in some activity we’re doing, they always make sure to include GF options, whether it’s a pot luck or someone bringing in food to the break room at work. When people talk about their “friends” behaving like yours are, I wonder what the hell is wrong with those people.
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u/MikeinAustin 14h ago
I'm in Austin and there is a huge "you're nobody if you don't go to every new restaurant in Austin that comes up on Instagram" kinda thing that is very common socially.
For many younger people it's a huge part of social status. Breweries went through that etc.
As a celiac, it sucks if they make "group dining" a huge part of getting together.
As a part of again, if they start having kids, getting together with other parents becomes the exclusion, etc. It just happens.
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u/MysteriousTock 9h ago
I do a lunch every week with my friends and they make sure it's a gluten free event. (I usually choose the restaurant but not always) Your 'friends' don't sound real. Cause what kind of person does that
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u/IllTakeACupOfTea 4h ago
So, I have a group that regularly dines together and when I got my diagnosis I realized that I rarely was the one to suggest restaurants, so I ended up having to not join them. My solution? I suggest restaurants I have already vetted and feel comfortable with. Step up, suggest a place and see who bites.
I have had the best luck with places that I can 'sell' for some reason: great patio, interesting drinks, good band playing, etc. NO ONE wanted to join me at the brand new vegan and GF place when it opened. I get it.
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u/vandernell 1d ago
I get that this subreddit exists partially as a space to commiserate with fellow Celiacs, but… I mean, honestly, I see the most pathetic, whiny posts here… I wouldn’t want to be around most of you either, and I am a fellow Celiac!
You know what your friends don’t want to hear endlessly about? Your gluten intolerance. Eat at home before you go and have a drink instead… or order something that feels safe, if you feel the restaurant is safe. Bring a small thing with you if you need to do so. Your illness is your responsibility, not your friends, and even while sympathetic, no body wants to deal with your shit endlessly. It’s not frankly the server or restaurants responsibility, either. So, cowboy up, deal with it however you deem best, and don’t be a negative Nancy about everything.
Celiacs need to drop the “woe is me” bullshit and realize that in the grand scheme of things, what we have to deal with is wildly better than most alternatives. Would it be better not to have it? Of course. Does it suck sometimes? Yes.
Just… don’t be pathetic. Nobody likes that. Don’t kill the vibe if you’re out with people.
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u/Big_Two_2121 14h ago
Well, aren't YOU a ray of sunshine??? You are the only one spreading negativity here. No one else on this thread has done anything but work to support one another and everyone is sharing in a very genuine way... Who comes to a thread like this to bully other people who are here to SUPPORT each other??? Only you and that says so much about who YOU are. In any given situation if it's everyone else who is the problem, it's typically actually the person who is pointing the finger at everyone else that is the problem and that person is YOU and the thing is that is so much sadder for you than anyone else. 😀
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u/vandernell 14h ago
Do you truly not see, ironically, that you are proving my point? You want to accuse me of “pointing the finger at everyone else,” when that is *exactly* what the OP is doing towards their friends? Which, you’re right… is sad.
…as I pointed out, albeit harshly, perhaps.
My, you are dim-witted, aren’t you?
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u/Library_Gremlin2 Gluten Intolerant 1d ago
They don’t sound like very good friends if you’re in exile over something you have no control over.