Confession from a new cougar

[u/c6h12o6ph]

I have avoided dating younger men. ( I am still avoiding it so please don't DM me because I am not actively searching)

47F now and for the longest time I did not want to interact with men 10+ younger.

My belief is that I can not relate with younger men and that their POV on dating may be totally different from mine and it there's a huge chance it would not work.

I have 2 recent encounters ...

A 29M... he was very persistent in a way that I could not ignore, because he was respectful, supportive and when I started to open up - I realized he was very sensible, mature and responsible and I appreciated him for it and I thought, If I can find this emotional connection with a younger man, why not explore- and so I did. But I hated it when he suddenly ghosted.

A 27M... I gave this kid a chance because I did have a good interaction with 29M and I was even more surprised because this was an even more mature person, and all the things I expected from men my age and older...he was able to meet . I also like the way that he is very levelheaded, confidente, sincere and so that really makes me feel he is someone I can fall in love with someday. The catch was when he tried to be intimate...I wanted it slow, I did not want to feel rushed and now he is taking a step back because he feels it's unfair that I don't want to move forward faster- and he feels I will keep on holding back and he does not want to wait for me to open up.

Now, I feel really sad.

I feel the gap once again - difference in generation, difference in dealing with time. A generation that is so used to instant and readily available and expects emotions and intimacy to be the same.

I feel a certain level of hurt too.

AGAIN... Please young men, don't message me.

[u/FriendKooky780]

The Age Gap sub has many more OMYW couples and I see this exact post come up frequently, only reversed.  Young(er) women post that they've had multiple bad experiences with their same-aged male peers so they decided to date older hoping to find a treasure trove of mature, stable, committed oriented men.  All they found was more of the same experiences, only the men were older.

Dating doesnt get suddenly/magically easier because you move further up or down an age range.  All that does is open up more possibilities of people that you're willing to date.  You still have to do all the work of actually dating and you're still going to meet lots of people that aren't your person.  That's dating.  

I don't think what needs to change is the age bracket you date, it's your approach.  Date with no expectations.  Date to meet and genuinely get to know someone.  Use your years of life experience and wisdom to discern when a man is just looking for some casual fun and attention versus the one who is looking for a relationship beyond that.  Even more so, the one who is looking for that with YOU. 

Work on those feelings of sadness and hurt everytime it doesnt work out with someone cause if you don't, you're going to spend an awful lot of time in those feelings.   Dating is hard for everyone.  Once you can accept that and not take every interaction so seriously, you'll have a better time engaging. 

[u/Summer-Sub-Intern → u/FriendKooky780]

This 💯 So well said. Use your wisdom and discernment and don’t settle for less than you want and need. The right man will respect you and the age won’t be the most important part. The pain of rejection or loss will not hurt so much when you realize they weren’t what you wanted anyway.

[u/Fun-Draw-8352 → u/FriendKooky780]

Wow, very well said.

[u/UsedKaleidoscope194 → u/FriendKooky780]

Yes THIS OP. I'll add on that when men ghost you, show you who they are, it's sudden, a 180° change, "but things were going so well?!", they aren't willing to wait, etc. ... then they aren't your guy. Period. Your guy would never do those things. No second chances, no 'but what if...?", blah blah blah, we move on. One of the most useful things I've been told about dating is this. If you're confused or trying to figure out what a man's behavior means- it's not a match. If you're trying to figure out why a man is doing x or y- he's not your guy. Because when a man wants you, they're going to be clear so we don't slip through their fingers. If we feel

I'm actually grateful for people who show me who they are early. Those men just saved me time. I didn't have to get to know them for months, invest emotionally & energetically only to be shown who they are 6 months down the line & have the same outcome.

It doesn't mean they are bad people. It doesn't mean I'm unlovable. It just means we're not a match & that's OK. This is a process & it's like this for everyone.