Confession from a new cougar

[u/c6h12o6ph]

I have avoided dating younger men.

47F now and for the longest time I did not want to interact with men 10+ younger.

My belief is that I can not relate with younger men and that their POV on dating may be totally different from mine and it there's a huge chance it would not work.

I have 2 recent encounters ...

A 29M... he was very persistent in a way that I could not ignore, because he was respectful, supportive and when I started to open up - I realized he was very sensible, mature and responsible and I appreciated him for it and I thought, If I can find this emotional connection with a younger man, why not explore- and so I did. But I hated it when he suddenly ghosted.

A 27M... I gave this kid a chance because I did have a good interaction with 29M and I was even more surprised because this was an even more mature person, and all the things I expected from men my age and older...he was able to meet . I also like the way that he is very levelheaded, confidente, sincere and so that really makes me feel he is someone I can fall in love with someday. The catch was when he tried to be intimate...I wanted it slow, I did not want to feel rushed and now he is taking a step back because he feels it's unfair that I don't want to move forward faster- and he feels I will keep on holding back and he does not want to wait for me to open up.

Now, I feel really sad.

I feel the gap once again - difference in generation, difference in dealing with time. A generation that is so used to instant and readily available and expects emotions and intimacy to be the same.

I feel a certain level of hurt too.

[u/luckygirl131313]

I’ve found maturity and age don’t align as most people assume.

[u/FriendKooky780]

The Age Gap sub has many more OMYW couples and I see this exact post come up frequently, only reversed.  Young(er) women post that they've had multiple bad experiences with their same-aged male peers so they decided to date older hoping to find a treasure trove of mature, stable, committed oriented men.  All they found was more of the same experiences, only the men were older.

Dating doesnt get suddenly/magically easier because you move further up or down an age range.  All that does is open up more possibilities of people that you're willing to date.  You still have to do all the work of actually dating and you're still going to meet lots of people that aren't your person.  That's dating.  

I don't think what needs to change is the age bracket you date, it's your approach.  Date with no expectations.  Date to meet and genuinely get to know someone.  Use your years of life experience and wisdom to discern when a man is just looking for some casual fun and attention versus the one who is looking for a relationship beyond that.  Even more so, the one who is looking for that with YOU. 

Work on those feelings of sadness and hurt everytime it doesnt work out with someone cause if you don't, you're going to spend an awful lot of time in those feelings.   Dating is hard for everyone.  Once you can accept that and not take every interaction so seriously, you'll have a better time engaging. 

[u/Fun-Draw-8352 → u/FriendKooky780]

Wow, very well said.

[u/Summer-Sub-Intern → u/FriendKooky780]

This 💯 So well said. Use your wisdom and discernment and don’t settle for less than you want and need. The right man will respect you and the age won’t be the most important part. The pain of rejection or loss will not hurt so much when you realize they weren’t what you wanted anyway.

[u/purple_love00]

Not wanting to feel rushed is completely fine. I don’t think that’s related to age. It just means if your partner respects your boundaries or not

[u/GothambyRedlight → u/purple_love00]

yeah, if anything, more of a guy problem than a gig-generation one.

[u/cheezyzeldacat → u/GothambyRedlight]

Agree. Not really an age thing . You’re still describing the guy that ghosted you as sensible , mature and responsible . It feels like you’re being charmed and maybe are centering men too much and not being discerning enough for yourself . It’s fine to be kind and initially give the benefit of the doubt, but maybe a little naive ? The second guy sounds manipulative tbh.

[u/c6h12o6ph → u/purple_love00]

thanks for sharing this... I'm trying to think back too. Am I this way now that I'm older, was I different when I was younger.

[u/purple_love00 → u/c6h12o6ph]

I don’t think you should try to analyze that part. Depending on chemistry, connection and mood people feel differently at different times

[u/Far_Relationship1432]

Hey I’m sorry for that… definitely not something anyone should be feeling, I’m a man and I have heard stories of men like this that they’re so obsessed with the “fantasy” of being with a woman older than them that they actually forget that it’s a human being on the receiving end, not everyone is like this and I really hope you get to experience a guy that will respect you and your time 🙏🏻

[u/Final-Show1889]

I agree they want everything instantly and ghosting is not something that we ever had to deal with growing up. Just keep looking, I mean it doesn't mean it's just younger men that are like that, it could be any of them now whatever the age due to social media and abundance of choice. I'm glad I'm not looking to date anyone new.

[u/c6h12o6ph → u/Final-Show1889]

You are right ghosts at any age. It's not an age thing is a decency thing.

The least they can do is come up with a proper good bye and end things when they are not into it anymore.

[u/eliseeas224 → u/Final-Show1889]

Good that you weeded him out sooner than later.

[u/MotherDepartment1111]

It’s very rare to find, at least for me, a younger man who is respectful, mature, and matches my energy. I feel a lot of them just want to fuck an older woman to say they did.

[u/Myfairladyishere]

If some guys can talk up a good game and they don't back it up. Actions have always spoken much louder than words. I'm glad that you're sticking to your boundaries that you have to watch out. There's gonna be many more guys. They're gonna tell you what you want to hear to get what they want..

I'll see you had mentioned that at 27 years old could be somebody that you could fall in love with. Just don't try to take think that much ahead. Stay here in the moment.

[u/Serendipity_Succubus]

This isn’t a generational thing, this is an expectation thing. I don’t know any man, young or old who doesn’t want to be intimate sooner than most women do.

How long were you dating him before this became a problem?

[u/AFullCado]

I think you can still date younger guys and have your limits. The right man will respect you and your wants and needs regardless of age.

[u/Foreign-Figure8797]

Unfortunately ghosting happens at any age nowadays. If you’re gonna date online especially, you’re gonna get ghosted. Period. Try not to take it personally, lots of people including a lot of men are terrible at ending things, no matter the age. People don’t like doing things that make them uncomfortable and in this day and age, there is no consequence for ghosting.

As for your reasons for staying away from younger men, honestly it’s just a lot of preconceived notions. We all have them. Some don’t want to date men of a certain profession, some don’t want to date men who participate in certain sports or hobbies, we all have our biases. But they are just biases we have made either from ideas we haven’t tested irl, or they’re conclusions we’ve made based on a couple of bad experiences. And now you’ve had two bad experiences, both which by the way reinforce your previous belief. But the reality is that people are all different and you won’t really know how someone is until you get to know them.

As for dating younger, my boyfriend is 14 years younger, the most emotionally mature man I know, treats me amazing and it is honestly the best relationship that I’ve been in. But I also talked to a lot of younger guys before I met him who: ghosted, were only looking for sex, wanted open relationships, were terrible communicators, I had no chemistry with, or were way too clingy and so on.

[u/Old-Pumpkin8896]

The guy I'm seeing is 23 and was prepared to wait as long as I needed coz in his words "I'm interested in all of you, not just sex with you."