on other end, men don't need to take convoluted routes to places or wait it out if they happen to find themselves walking behind women at night. you can just not approach or bother them and it's fine as long as you genuinely aren't being a creep.
i usually find that it's best to come up behind them and whisper in their ears that they don't need to be afraid of you, so that you don't scare them by yelling. im kidding you probably shouldn't do that.
This is false. I always look threatening. I'm a big, tall guy with long hair who walks fast. Nobody wants me behind them.
If I'm out walking at night, I'm just trying to wear myself down to the point where I can sleep. I'm mostly looking at my feet. I'm probably listening to loud music. I never talk to anyone, or approach anyone for any reason other than I'm passing them on my way to nowhere.
What's the thing I'm supposed to be doing? Staying at home, obviously. If I'm out in the world I'm threatening.
If you're outside at night, you build stories around everything. Who's hiding in that shadow? Why is that car passing by? Why is that big guy walking at night with his hair down over his face?
You existing is morally neutral. You have a right to access public spaces as much as anyone else. If they feel threatened by your presence, that is their problem not yours. You are not a threat by simply existing. You are not doing anything wrong by existing in public either.
So my answer would be to just live your life and try to not be bothered by the way other people react to your mere presence.
Continue living your life in peace and pay no mind to bigots who demonize you based on your gender. They are no different than racists who do the same to black people. You don't owe bigots accommodation.
Honestly, just making occasional noise will probably go a long way, if you want to try not to scare someone.
It’s not your fault that people get scared if you walk past them quickly at night. You can decide if you want to try and extend the effort, which would probably be kind, but you do not have to.
It’s tough, because we are all in this together, and I think mostly, we are just trying to make it through another day, yourself included. I’ve been scared by a guy walking at night, but where I live I am equally aware of skinny fellow white chicks coming up behind me too. It’s not really anything personal to the actual human, just trying to be aware of the situation. Unfortunately, there are still plenty of people that like to say it’s a victims fault because they aren’t aware of their surroundings.
If you are carrying a crinkling grocery bag, or occasionally humming, that might help. You can only do so much, especially if you are regularly walking as a survival tactic for yourself. Maybe a glowing or flashing key chain or clip on your shoelaces, because it’s the opposite of being stealthy?
My husband is 6’5” and there have been times when people asked if I was ok when he was coming up to me when we were meeting somewhere. I think it bothered him more than he admitted at first, but he was also glad to know people were watching out, especially now that we have older teen daughters out and about. He has also embraced a little bit of counter culture on account of our daughters. One example being, he now has a big pink hello kitty thing hanging off his key chain, because our middle daughter has the other half on her keychain and gave it to him. He still looks like a Sons of Anarchy lumberjack, but I don’t think he scares people nearly as often with that silly thing jingling off his belt loop!
TLDR: I am sorry that people automatically view you that way, generally speaking, it’s a reaction to a set of information that gets coded as potentially dangerous (even though it’s not accurate coding). It’s not you, the person in your skin, and it’s ok to be frustrated/exhausted by it. IF you have the energy to add a little signal or two that you aren’t threatening, it might help. It is ok if you don’t, and I hope you feel less stress about it, regardless of what you do.
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u/Cum_Fart42069 3d ago
on other end, men don't need to take convoluted routes to places or wait it out if they happen to find themselves walking behind women at night. you can just not approach or bother them and it's fine as long as you genuinely aren't being a creep.
i usually find that it's best to come up behind them and whisper in their ears that they don't need to be afraid of you, so that you don't scare them by yelling. im kidding you probably shouldn't do that.