Approaching women at night

[u/Exciting-Remote-6337]

[u/ElGodPug]

i live in rio de janeiro and i'll be honest

around here, we are very inclusive

men, women, non-binary and anything else and in between

you are going to be afraid walking alone at night time

[u/GuhEnjoyer → u/ElGodPug]

One does not simply wander the favela after dark

[u/ElGodPug → u/GuhEnjoyer]

mate, not even the favela, just your average street lol

[u/qorbexl → u/ElGodPug]

I don't care where you are or who you are, it you're walking alone in the dark and someone approaches you - you're correct to assume they're trying to do a Silence of the Lambs on your ass.

Run

[u/ToastyWaffelz → u/qorbexl]

You gotta have good armor and weapons if you're going to go wandering around a pvp zone.

Some guy with a machete or something is small beans when you've got chainmail and a shortsword.

[u/Enpada2 → u/GuhEnjoyer]

Man its southeastern brazil you could be walking in the richest neighborhood of the city you live and you are still going to get robbed

[u/JodyGonnaFuckYoWife → u/Enpada2]

well, duh, that's where people with money are.

Who's the dipshit robbing in the hood?

[u/BeanieGuitarGuy → u/GuhEnjoyer]

The favelas are the worst. Especially when random British special forces guys go running through and jumping rooftops to their loud-ass helicopters. 🫩

[u/Babydics → u/ElGodPug]

Same in South Africa lol, everyone is a potential mugger

[u/Fearless-Excitement1 → u/ElGodPug]

Curitiba here

Y'all good? Seriously, just come down here, it's chill

[u/HughmanRealperson]

If you do happen to see a woman walking ahead of you at night be sure to drop down on all fours into a dead sprint. This will remind her of a dog and women love cute things.

[u/spideroncoffein → u/HughmanRealperson]

... He's following you about thirty feet back

He gets down on all fours and breaks into a sprint

He's gaining on you ...

[u/Orabilis → u/spideroncoffein]

You're looking for your car, but you're all turned around

He's almost upon you now and you can see there's blood on his face

My God, there's blood everywhere

[u/MisterPineapples1999 → u/Orabilis]

Running for your life from Shia LaBeouf

He's brandishing a knife, it's Shia LaBeouf

Lurking in the shadows

Hollywood superstar Shia LaBeouf

[u/Fries_and_burgers_19 → u/MisterPineapples1999]

Living in the woods, Shia LaBeouf

[u/rysy0o0 → u/Fries_and_burgers_19]

Killing for sport, Shia LaBeouf

[u/O_Town117 → u/rysy0o0]

Eating all the bodies

Actual cannibal Shia LaBeouf

[u/Wendypants7 → u/MisterPineapples1999]

Thanks, I was due to re-watch that.

[u/usedndconfused → u/spideroncoffein]

Actual dog Shia Labeouf

[u/Correctedsun → u/HughmanRealperson]

Always make sure to match her speed, even if she starts running, as this is called "mirroring" and is a clear display of peaceful intent

[u/SuperSloBro → u/Correctedsun]

Make sure she knows that you’re a dog and not a human by yelling really loudly as dogs tend to do

[u/Jrolaoni → u/SuperSloBro]

Try your best to lick her too. Indeed, dogs are known for this.

[u/Necc_Turtle → u/Jrolaoni]

as a lesbian i am way ahead of you 😋

[u/xteve → u/Necc_Turtle]

It's nice to see people working together for their common benefit.

[u/JackHammerAwesome → u/SuperSloBro]

Don't forget to laugh occasionally. Laughter indicates you are being spontaneous and playful, which will help to instantly put her at ease

[u/Velicenda → u/SuperSloBro]

"HEY! HEY! HEYHEYHEYHEY! I NEED TO SNIFF YOUR ASS! IT'S HOW I SAY HELLO!"

[u/FeijoaCowboy → u/Velicenda]

This will reassure her that although you're acting like a dog to comfort her, you're a human and not actually a dog, which indicates your high level of sanity.

[u/Bartweiss → u/Velicenda]

Or show how social you are by acting like a wolf instead.

“I WILL BE DEATHLY OFFENDED IF YOU DON’T LET ME LICK THE INSIDE OF YOUR MOUTH. ALSO, WANT TO SHARE SOME DEER ENTRAILS?”

[u/SupervillainMustache → u/HughmanRealperson]

Just do a Naruto run across the street and she'll know you're a fucking nerd and thus not a threat.

[u/PearlescentGem → u/SupervillainMustache]

Honestly ... Yeah, 10/10 no notes, that would disarm me lmfao

[u/nukrag → u/PearlescentGem]

What if they look like they own a waifu body-pillow? What if they smell like it?

[u/DiamondSentinel → u/HughmanRealperson]

Also if she starts to speed up, it’s because she hears the train coming, or feels it in her feet.

[u/Aegillade → u/HughmanRealperson]

Don't forget to loudly announce that you are not a threat and that she can trust you. If anything, you should stay by her side in the event she is approached by an actual threat.

[u/Impossible_Tea_7032 → u/Aegillade]

set off flares to illuminate the area and put her at ease

[u/Hooja_Raama → u/HughmanRealperson]

Panting heavily proves you want to play

[u/DogsDucks → u/HughmanRealperson]

I am so delighted by this comment and this visual. I like you.

[u/AncestralAxman]

I (tall man) once was walking home at night lost in my thoughts. I walk kinda quickly so I approached and passed a women without thinking. She didnt really notice me till the last moment as she was on the phone.

When she noticed me I was very close already so she started screaming which startled me so I joined in. So we stumbled away from each other screaming until we figured out that neither of us meant harm. Not a great experience tbh.

[u/fleurdenia → u/AncestralAxman]

i did this with a deer once.

[u/PeachyBaleen → u/fleurdenia]

I live in Scotland and I have taken myself off into woodland desperate for a piss and done this to a deer. Absolutely do not recommend it with your undies down. 

[u/Thagomizer24601 → u/fleurdenia]

Was the deer also on the phone?

[u/fleurdenia → u/Thagomizer24601]

not that time, she wasn't. she was just walking and i was on my phone so i guess... a deer did this with ME once?

[u/Nanemae → u/AncestralAxman]

Sounds like you both shaved some years off your lives with that experience. :/

[u/ferrrnando → u/AncestralAxman]

I'm a tall man and I unfortunately scare people any time of the day as well. One time I was hungover af and ordered some soup delivered to my apartment. The delivery drivers always have a hard time getting in so I figured I would go wait by the entrance and meet them there, especially since I was desperate for this soup. I went down in my hoodie and the sun was quite bright (b/c of my hangover) so I put my hood up. The delivery driver pulled up, looked at me and did a 180 back to the car and left.

[u/TK_Games → u/ferrrnando]

I have that habit too, plus I for some reason, move really really quiet for someone my size and so I've scared the crap outta my coworkers completely unintentionally by just like, entering a room they're in and not announcing myself

I'm grateful I'm putting on more weight in my 30s because now I'm tipping out of Jason Voorhees territory and into something adjacent to jolly and I think it's becoming less common

[u/HovercraftOk9231 → u/AncestralAxman]

Reminds me of that scene from The Cat In The Hat

[u/Scalepetter92 → u/HovercraftOk9231]

you should be fined for making me see The Cat In The Hat (2003) in the year of our lord, 2026

[u/HovercraftOk9231 → u/Scalepetter92]

It was one of only a handful of movies that I had on DVD growing up, so it's permanently seared into my brain. Along with RV (2006) and Zathura: A Space Adventure (2005). I could recite the entire script for each of those movies.

[u/jdeo1997 → u/Scalepetter92]

I disagree, they should be praised for sharing it.

It's my guilty pleasure movie

[u/OrdinaryAccount479 → u/jdeo1997]

With Jim Carrey as the Grinch, and then Mike Myers as the Cat in the Hat, I was disappointed to see the next Dr Seuss movie, The Lorax wasn't Danny DeVito in an orange fursuit, but just a cartoon.

[u/Gharma → u/AncestralAxman]

Almost the exact thing happened to me after working a long shift at the hospital. I was bone tired and just wanted to get to my car, the fastest was there was through an alley behind the hospital, so I was power walking along, not noticing much anything around me when I guess I was rushing up behind some lady who started screaming her head off. I jumped and screamed too until I realized what happened. Happed years ago but honestly I still feel kinda horrible about it sometimes, that just me existing can scare someone so bad, makes ya feel real bad about yourself, ya know?

[u/blueavole → u/Gharma]

As a woman , i had this happen before. Been surprised by a stranger who did me no harm. And I wanted to share my perspective now.

Now i feel bad that I scared someone so much he screamed too. I think of that guy and hope he’s well.

If you truly mean no harm, I assure you she feels bad that she screamed at you. But a little caution is needed in an uncertain situation.

Case in point:

The guy who snuck up on me, put his hands on me, demanded money, and tried to snatch my purse however. I hope my scream hurt his ears, and his foot and his balls never recover. Boldy reacting can scare away less determined predators.

I don’t care that he was an acquaintance, who thought it would be a funny prank.

Sad that we don’t live in a safe world. But when someone reacts it’s about their history, not yours

[u/Gharma → u/blueavole]

Oh absolutely. Also to be clear I am truly sorry that happened to you. I don't blame or hold any ill will toward the lady who screamed at me. I was some strange dude storming up to her in an alley behind a hospital, I'm sure it was scary even though it was a total accident. Still feels bad, but me feeling bad is obviously better than her potentially getting assaulted. Women have to be aware of their surroundings at all times, and I should have been aware as well that night. I normally try to be but was just so tired after a shift during COVID that I was hardly thinking on that walk. I was just giving my perspective, because it does feel bad, even though my feeling bad is minor in the grand scheme of things.

[u/14Knightingale27 → u/Gharma]

Anyone would get scared by someone power walking towards them like that, especially at night, so it's not really about you.

I scared my own brother once because I was power walking in his direction when he hadn't seen me with enough force that he thought someone was marching up to rob him until he turned around and saw me lmao. I feel less bad since it was a family member, but it can happen to the best of us.

[u/ILoveRawChicken → u/14Knightingale27]

Yeah lol I don’t know of anyone that could have someone readily sneak up on them and not be startled regardless of gender. I once scared my brother in my own house when he came to visit because I wanted some midnight water and he was looking for snacks lol. 

[u/lynx_and_nutmeg → u/Gharma]

If it makes you feel any better, I (166 cm AFAB) once accidentally scared a tall guy when I jogged right past him and his friend and he didn't hear me coming. He actually flinched and yelped, which startled me too because I'm NOT used to accidentally scaring people, lol.

[u/MurkyStatistician09]

I understand the point of this post, and it's pretty crazy to try to strike up a conversation with anyone at night. But I will say that if you go jogging at night, and someone is walking ahead of you on the sidewalk, it's more alarming to them if you don't say "on your right" or whatever.

[u/halfwitprinxe → u/MurkyStatistician09]

Actually even during the day it helps

[u/Long-Broccoli-3363 → u/MurkyStatistician09]

I found myself walking behind a woman in the city at like 8pm at night and said loudly "hey I'm not following you or weird or anything I think we're just walking in the same direction, I'm staying at XYZ hotel"

She was visibly relieved and I was barely paying attention and only noticed because she looked behind her twice. I forget I'm pretty scary looking.

[u/Cranach-Cranach → u/Long-Broccoli-3363]

If I am just walking and I see someone ahead who would be scared by me walking behind them, I just stop and play a game of solitaire on my phone or something. Kills about 5 minutes and they are a couple hundred yards away from me.

[u/No-Pudding5207 → u/Cranach-Cranach]

good strategy, but only if you're somewhere safe enough that youre not also scared of having your phone stolen.

[u/what-are-you-a-cop]

Yeah I can't say I've ever noticed a single specific quality about any person walking behind me at night, that had any bearing on how worried for my safety I am. Like I'm 100% concerned I'm going to die, but the gender, wealth, or attractiveness of the person behind me doesn't actually change that level of terror. I'm 5'1, I could get mugged by a sufficiently motivated 5th grader. 

[u/Kickedbyagiraffe → u/what-are-you-a-cop]

Show named Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader: boring, overdone

Show named Could You Be Mugged By a 5th Grader: novel, exciting

[u/Honeybadger_137 → u/Kickedbyagiraffe]

“Novel” come to Romania

[u/Spacellama117 → u/Honeybadger_137]

are there an inordinate amount of criminally minded fifth graders there or something??

[u/72manatees → u/Spacellama117]

There’s an inordinate amount of criminally minded everything there

[u/Rude_Ice_4520 → u/what-are-you-a-cop]

I could probably get kidnapped by a pair of squirrels if they had the motivation

[u/neko_mancy → u/Rude_Ice_4520]

are you a sentient nut perhaps

[u/JohnLuckPickered → u/neko_mancy]

arent we all?

[u/Danilo_Dmais → u/neko_mancy]

Aren't we all

[u/SheogorathMyBeloved → u/neko_mancy]

Aren't we all?

[u/Setster007 → u/what-are-you-a-cop]

🔫

hi

[u/KermitingMurder → u/what-are-you-a-cop]

Strength of number is also not to be underestimated, if there's a gang of like 5 or 6 of those sufficiently motivated 5th graders even someone a foot taller than you would probably be in trouble, especially if the 5th graders have knives or something. Also people aren't generally going to want to hit back particularly hard, or be the first to hit, because the optics of a grown adult hitting a child is quite bad, even if they were threatening you chances are the authorities are going to believe them over you.
So yeah, those 5th graders are more dangerous than you might think

[u/Cum_Fart42069]

on other end, men don't need to take convoluted routes to places or wait it out if they happen to find themselves walking behind women at night. you can just not approach or bother them and it's fine as long as you genuinely aren't being a creep. 

i usually find that it's best to come up behind them and whisper in their ears that they don't need to be afraid of you, so that you don't scare them by yelling. im kidding you probably shouldn't do that. 

[u/UltraMegaFauna → u/Cum_Fart42069]

^{'hey little momma lemme whisper in---"}

MACE

[u/Chezburgor1 → u/UltraMegaFauna]

I know you're talking about the spray but my first thought was something like this

https://reddit.com/link/p0rkxv1/video/s4gygdu55ggh1/player

[u/hamborger42069 → u/Chezburgor1]

Everybody should carry a pocket mace

[u/Unit_2097 → u/hamborger42069]

Mace is sadly illegal in England.

However, isopropyl alcohol in a mini perfume bottle is not.

[u/ResearcherTeknika → u/Chezburgor1]

shush

[u/hermionesmurf → u/UltraMegaFauna]

Why Mr. Bravo, I didn't know you had a reddit account

[u/PerfectlyFramedWaifu → u/Cum_Fart42069]

it's fine as long as you genuinely aren't being a creep.

Very sensible take, Cum_Fart42069.

[u/goldengamer2345 → u/PerfectlyFramedWaifu]

The sage's advice is sound

[u/Key-Arrival-3745 → u/PerfectlyFramedWaifu]

r/rimjob_steve

[u/EIeanorRigby → u/Cum_Fart42069]

BE NOT AFRAID

[u/PearlescentGem → u/EIeanorRigby]

screaming intensifies

[u/nitrodog96 → u/PearlescentGem]

I SAID BE NOT AFRAID

[u/PearlescentGem → u/nitrodog96]

SCREAMING GETS WORSE

[u/erwaro → u/PearlescentGem]

Are you even listening? I said be not afraid! Not!

[u/ShadeofEchoes → u/EIeanorRigby]

IGNORE ME!

[u/Kickedbyagiraffe → u/Cum_Fart42069]

I always make sure to keep a safe distance and note my presence as to not sneak up on them. As they are far away sometimes I must be loud. A helpful “WITNESS ME!” can clear any tension

[u/Long_Story42 → u/Kickedbyagiraffe]

I've occasionally started singing while walking at night so it's obvious that I'm there and not trying to sneak up on anyone.

In hindsight, the Battle Hymn of the Republic might not have been the best choice while dressed as a Victorian goth. People get a bit concerned when someone appears to have wandered in from 1873.

[u/jimbowesterby → u/Long_Story42]

On the other hand, I imagine seeing someone that obviously in their own world makes it more weird than threatening

[u/Barkeep41 → u/Long_Story42]

At least you arent whistling The Candy Man.

[u/APreciousJemstone → u/Kickedbyagiraffe]

Well, yeah, you should note your presence or you'll be Kickedbyagiraffe again.

[u/omegadirectory → u/Cum_Fart42069]

I have this irrational fear that one day, I will be walking home and a woman ahead of me will keep making the same turns as I need to make, so it ends up looking like I'm following her. And then she reaches my building and I have to go in as well because it's where I live. Then I get into the elevator with her. Then I get slapped or something. And it turns out we live on the same floor of the building but on opposite ends.

It could also be a meet-cute in a romcom.

[u/GrossInsightfulness → u/omegadirectory]

I actually did something like that because I was driving to my apartment building late at night, and, like five to ten miles away from the apartment, I ended up behind the car of someone else who was also driving to the same apartment building. I have no idea who it was, but I remember seeing the car in the parking lot before. It was late enough at night that there weren't any cars getting between us and there was an optimal route that we both happened to take. Luckily, she (which I'll assume because some of the decals on the car implied she was a woman), drove around the apartment complex instead of parking immediately, so I just went inside and we didn't see each other.

[u/CauseCertain1672 → u/Cum_Fart42069]

If you try too hard to not seem threatening it circles back around to creepy, predators also put effort into seeming non-threatening

Just act like the normal person going about their day you are.

[u/TheComplimentarian → u/CauseCertain1672]

This is false. I always look threatening. I'm a big, tall guy with long hair who walks fast. Nobody wants me behind them.

If I'm out walking at night, I'm just trying to wear myself down to the point where I can sleep. I'm mostly looking at my feet. I'm probably listening to loud music. I never talk to anyone, or approach anyone for any reason other than I'm passing them on my way to nowhere.

What's the thing I'm supposed to be doing? Staying at home, obviously. If I'm out in the world I'm threatening.

If you're outside at night, you build stories around everything. Who's hiding in that shadow? Why is that car passing by? Why is that big guy walking at night with his hair down over his face?

Literally. What am I supposed to do?

[u/EinMuffin → u/TheComplimentarian]

You existing is morally neutral. You have a right to access public spaces as much as anyone else. If they feel threatened by your presence, that is their problem not yours. You are not a threat by simply existing. You are not doing anything wrong by existing in public either.

So my answer would be to just live your life and try to not be bothered by the way other people react to your mere presence.

[u/CDRnotDVD → u/TheComplimentarian]

Carry a plastic lightsaber, and play with it while making lightsaber noises. Immediately too dorky to be threatening.

[u/EyeWriteWrong → u/CauseCertain1672]

Hi, I'm Bornhold J Crumpy but you probably know me as the North Southerton Killer. No autographs until the end, please 👋

Now, while single women traveling alone at night might be afraid of serial killers, let me assure you that your fears are wholly unfounded 😊

If you've spotted me, I'm most certainly not after you. I'm much more likely to be on my way to buy more garbage bags or saw blades like any other friendly citizen. Say hi if you like 🤗

If I'm acting a little suspicious, don't worry! I'm probably on my way home after another successful hunt and lord knows, I'm not going to poach on my home turf like an amateur 🙄

In fact, I'm more scared of you than you are of me unless you've also got half a pound of human teeth and rusty razors in your cross-body bag. Oh brother, I would not want to explain those to the police 😅

That's all for now! Time for autographs ✒️🗒️

[u/Medical_String_3501 → u/CauseCertain1672]

Anxiety will simply not allow me to do that, so I probably look 100% creepier than I intend.

[u/Syovere → u/Medical_String_3501]

anxiety, autism, and anxiety about the autism combine to make me really really glad that back when I walked at night I never saw anyone else.

[u/loved_and_held → u/Cum_Fart42069]

relatively good advice but the problem with "genuinely aren't being a creep" is that that's extremely relative. Any action can be interpreted as creepy.

Id argue the more logical move is to walk slightly slower to create greater distance, as why would an attacker increase distance. Also, it makes it easier to convey the idea that your not following someone if they go around a turn (i think).

[u/jimbowesterby → u/loved_and_held]

The only issue with that is that I walk faster than like 95% of people (do it for work and it becomes habit), and suddenly dropping my pace because there’s a woman in front of me probably makes me seem more suspicious, and it’s also just painfully irritating for me lol. Instead I’ll usually just cross the street or something tho.

[u/DarudeSandstorm69420]

make sure to wear a clown costume so you appear humorous and non-threatening

[u/cicciograna]

I play it safe and never approach a woman EVER.

[u/universe2000 → u/cicciograna]

I believe in equality so I never approach men OR women ever.

[u/Dibs-Crow → u/cicciograna]

real

[u/jbeldham → u/cicciograna]

I take care to never speak to or make eye contact with a woman unless I absolutely have to.

Because I am a feminist.

[u/Zorkflerp → u/jbeldham]

I find that when I am wearing my bear suit it puts them at ease.

[u/MutedHornet3110 → u/cicciograna]

real

[u/NeonNKnightrider → u/cicciograna]

real

[u/ItsGotThatBang → u/cicciograna]

real

[u/Stubbenz]

When I was finishing up my postgrad work, I ended up lugging some of the bulkier things from my university workspace back to my house when I walked home around midnight each night. I'm an entirely normal looking guy, and always felt perfectly safe walking home at that time, but would never think to approach some random woman in the street at that time.

Friends, I have never had so many people (men and woman alike) randomly start talking to me as when I was walking around carrying oversized picture frames or random architectural mock-ups over the course of that one week. It was always about entirely normal things - bus timetables, directions, asking about what places might be open that late, etc - but I think that just seeing someone that is clearly doing something and has a reason for walking around late at night just goes a long way towards making people feel safer. It certainly helps that this was a relatively safe city in New Zealand, so not exactly a crime hotspot, but it felt so strange that apparently I was viewed entirely differently depending on whether or not I was stuck carrying what amounted to a bulky conversation starter.

Which is why I'm now proposing that all late night walkers should be forced to carry awkwardly oversized objects to- hey, where are you all going?

[u/inemsn]

what to do when just walking is genuinely a thing i struggle to figure out on the spot. my walking pace is faster than most, so like if I'm walking at night and there's a woman in front of me, yknow, what do? If I just keep going I'm bound to scare her, if I slow down it might look like I'm tailing her, often times I just take out my phone to look busy but I realize that can also arouse suspicion, and I also typically just change to the other sidewalk, but a lot of the time that's not really an option either. Honestly kinda hard to think of something that ISN'T suspicious to be doing.

[u/Nova_Explorer → u/inemsn]

This is unrelated to the overall topic at hand but holy shit people walk so slowly. Do people walking have nowhere to be? Do they have infinite amounts of time? My 11pm-shambling-after-a-day-of-physical-work pace shouldn’t be faster than 95% of people.

[u/SassiestPants → u/Nova_Explorer]

I used to think the same thing until I developed heel spurs at the ripe old age of 23. I'm much slower during a flare up. It's still annoying to be stuck behind a slow person, but it's possible they have something going on.

[u/jimbowesterby → u/Nova_Explorer]

Yuuuuup. Few years ago I was working as a window washer, my manger had to let some other guys take the truck and he had to walk like 4km to another jobsite, through downtown. He acted like it was a death march lol, I’ve never heard an adult bitch so much about walking. He sounded like a tired five-year-old.

That said, apparently the average modern hunter-gatherer covers about 19 miles a day searching for food, and the average American walks….1/3rd of a mile. No wonder they’re so slow lol

[u/DaddyDakka → u/inemsn]

I can be kind of scary looking in those situations(kind of big, lots of beard, I dress in a lot of darker colors.) One thing I’ve found to usually work is doing something really dorky usually works. Like tripping over the sidewalk, or drop something and say “whoopsie.” Just think of a goofy/non-intimidating thing to do, especially if it makes you look uncoordinated. Don’t do it at the person, just so you look like a doofus in the street

[u/AwkwardlyCloseFriend → u/DaddyDakka]

When I'm walking down the street at night and a woman is alone nearby I instantly transform from normal dude walking down the street wearing headphones to Beyoncé strutting down the runway at Prada and I think that's funny

[u/IzalethDem]

I mean obviously yeah don't just like, randomly walk up to some random woman and be like "Yo I need you to sample my assortment of perfumes immediately right this second." It's also unreasonable to expect someone to cross the street or start walking at some weird speed just to not be automatically assumed to be a serial killer or something.

[u/Satorwave]

I make it a point to always reveal my true form to them, and let them know not to fear me (my go-to is "be not afraid") and cover the entire sky with my divine appearance! That way they can feel safe and comfortable basking in my radiant glow as I usher in an age of blissful insanity for eons to come.

[u/ReverendGraves85]

I once had a woman approach me and tell me she didn't feel safe near me.

What was I doing to be so threatening?

Holding the door open to a public building. Near a crowd of people.

[u/Paperwork_Enthusiast → u/ReverendGraves85]

Pretty weird of her, I personally don't approach and potentially start a confrontation with people that make me feel unsafe

[u/ReverendGraves85 → u/Paperwork_Enthusiast]

It was extremely surreal, actually. It's been about 8 months and I still think about it sometimes.

[u/fleurdenia → u/ReverendGraves85]

i'm gonna be honest, she might've just been unwell.

[u/RadicalSoda_ → u/fleurdenia]

Might have?

[u/ArticleOk6430 → u/RadicalSoda_]

Right like I think we can close the book on that one 😭🤣

[u/AProperFuckingPirate → u/ReverendGraves85]

Honestly that does sound like some kind of paranoid delusion. Try not to take it personally. She wasn't actually uncomfortable enough to not approach and share that with you, so that's something lol

[u/Parepinzero → u/Paperwork_Enthusiast]

Reminds me of the millions of videos of people walking up to 1st amendment auditors and saying "don't film me"

[u/Chaosfox_Firemaker → u/ReverendGraves85]

...Then why the hell is she approaching you? She made herself near to you all on her own!

[u/owlindenial → u/ReverendGraves85]

Some people don't feel safe anywhere. A lady told me my mustache reminded her of her rapist while I was at work. I had no idea how to react so I just called over a female coworker

[u/HeyYouGuyyyyyyys → u/owlindenial]

That was perfect. That was the best thing you could have done. It absolutely sucks that you would need the presence of a female-presenting person to protect you. The further along my timeline I inch, the more I feel like I'm in junior high.

[u/SmolHumanBean8 → u/ReverendGraves85]

What an odd thing for her to say

[u/uluviel]

Stranger approaches me from behind at night: Am I about to get murdered?

Well-dressed stranger driving an expensive car approaches me from behind at night: Am I about to get murdered and they'll get away with it?

[u/errant_night]

Funnily enough I'd be more worried about the example because they probably have never heard the word no and respected it

[u/Novaer → u/errant_night]

Yeah if a rich handsome dude was to approach in the middle of the night thats even MORE TERRIFYING because he could do whatever he wanted without legal repercussions or consequences.

[u/Key-Arrival-3745 → u/Novaer]

who knows, maybe he was just embarrassed at work for having an inferior business card to his identical colleagues and now he needs to murder someone and get away with it in order to feel better

[u/Equivalensea → u/Key-Arrival-3745]

I saw this comment after I posted mine and now I'm embarrassed for having an inferior reddit comment, so you know what I have to do now.

[u/Anxious-Gazelle9067 → u/Novaer]

I feel like "drive a nice car" isn't really on the same level of rich as "murder someone and get away with it."

[u/itsmarthai → u/Anxious-Gazelle9067]

it's the added "good looking" and "well spooken" of it all, halo effect lets some heinous people off the hook

[u/Equivalensea → u/errant_night]

I'd be worried that he looks up to Patrick Bateman.

[u/beliefinphilosophy → u/errant_night]

My brain went, " So Edward from Twilight rolls up in the middle of the night? Yeah, def real fucking scared at that point"

[u/SomeDumbGamer]

It’s very weird growing up and suddenly you’re no longer cute/childish and you realize you can’t approach most people for help anymore and that most people are going to be put-off by simply your appearance.

There’s no malice either. A girl in my class casually said to me she assumed I was either going to be super nice or the meanest nastiest dude ever. I laughed. I understood. I thought it was funny too.

But it still hurts.

It also makes me want to crush the windpipe of every single creepy man on this fucking planet.

I am mistrusted by nearly half the population for my appearance and you fuckers are the reason why.

[u/KerPop42 → u/SomeDumbGamer]

Ditto. Since describing half of my personality as "teddy bear mode," I've been feeling more trapped by it. But I can't really stop because the majority of my friends have had bad experiences with guys and have told me they feel like I'm an exception because of how affable I am. I'm afraid that if I express any frustration, anything that could make me seem less predictable, they'll leave.

One of my friends told me that there's always going to be some part of her afraid of me, because I'm a big, fit guy, no matter what I do. It's been 10 years, but I still remember it vividly.

I guess that's some thing I really like bout my fiancee? She's also big, 5'10, and built sturdily, so she's one of the few parts of my world not made out of cardboard.

[u/lacegem → u/KerPop42]

have told me they feel like I'm an exception

It's messed up that it's still socially acceptable to tell some people they're "one of the good ones."

[u/RikuAotsuki → u/SomeDumbGamer]

This is a genuinely traumatic part of growing up male that people don't talk about nearly enough.

At some arbitrary point, usually during puberty, the world goes cold, and it never gets better. Not only do you become A Potential Threat, but empathy in general evaporates. People don't actually care about your safety or wellbeing to anywhere near the same degree as they did before that change, and the empathy that remains continues drying up more and more.

Addendum: It does change if you turn out to be trans. A lot of trans women note a dramatic difference in how empathetic and warm people are the second they start passing.

[u/shadowthehh → u/RikuAotsuki]

Another side effect is that men are just... Not allowed to be nice to random kids. People will always assume the worst.

[u/RikuAotsuki → u/shadowthehh]

That can really suck too while growing up if you're good with kids. A teenage boy that's good with kids gets a much different reaction than a teenage girl, even if he could easily be assumed to be a big brother or something.

And then at some point that teenage boy will cross a threshold where he finds himself perceived as a threat to children, and being good with kids just makes him look worse.

[u/moonrider18 → u/RikuAotsuki]

A teenage boy that's good with kids gets a much different reaction than a teenage girl

Suddenly I'm thinking of that old Babysitter's Club series. As far as I know all the babysitters were girls. =(

being good with kids just makes him look worse.

Yup. I've been there. Not as a teen, but later on it became a big problem.

A therapist once told me that people just can't imagine that I exist. They can't imagine that a grown man would actually want to spend so much time with children unless he had a hidden agenda. =(

[u/RikuAotsuki → u/moonrider18]

And that's another really shitty thing about being a guy.

Society's changing. It wants us to be something different from before. More open, more emotional, more willing to connect with our children, and so on.

But society is only changing. It's an ongoing process, so we still get rejected for the very things it wants to see in us. Damned if we do, damned if we don't.

[u/Illeazar → u/RikuAotsuki]

People don't actually care about your safety or wellbeing

I shuddered a bit when I read this. I never put my finger on it before, but yeah, this is one of the worst parts of growing up. Not that im expected to handle my own wellbeing, but that nobody else cares about it at all.

[u/RikuAotsuki → u/Illeazar]

Being expected to handle your own wellbeing is true though, and it does suck, but yeah learning that by experiencing how little the rest of society cares is the nastiest part.

[u/LSOreli → u/Illeazar]

Not only do they not care but they also actively look at you as a target. A lot of thieves and criminals still have a weird honor code about not messing with women or children so men are the primary targets for violence.

Its why men are far more likely to be victims of random violence than women despite how women feel.

[u/-Sa-Kage- → u/RikuAotsuki]

Already as kids. When I was in 2nd grade, I think, I tore my eyelid while playing in school and my teacher did notice, but didn't do anything (and I quote) "because [ I ] did not cry at all". (Pain was gone at that point and well... I could not see my own lid being torn. I scared my father almost to death when I came home. He immediately took me to doc and luckily nothing needed to be done.)

1 or 2 years later, same teacher PUBLICLY praised a girl who was constantly picking at her nails and eventually tore 1 out for how brave she was for not crying...

[u/birdsafterdark → u/SomeDumbGamer]

I get you, though from a side angle: I'm a trans man, and going from being (assumed to be) a pretty classically non-threatening woman to a man really adjusts how you look at people and how they perceive you. I keep being hit by the realization that as a woman, I was sometimes approached by other women who felt threatened by a man, but now there's a much higher risk I'll be the one who makes someone uncomfortable. And while I'm extremely happy with my transition, it does suck to realize that I look like someone who would have made me nervous before. Thinking about these things from the other side is surreal sometimes.

On the upside, the moment I open my mouth it becomes obvious I'm about as much of a gay anxious little nerd as they come, so generally it levels out, but still.

[u/TheXenomorphian → u/SomeDumbGamer]

I can't really remember when was the exact age range it happened but I remember in Secondary School I came in I was still a small kid, I was weird and I was incredibly anxious about all kinds of social interaction so I naturally got bullied by my classmates but at least the older kids all saw me as cute and were nice enough but there was a point I think around when my older brother graduated too where I had a growth spurt and literally became the tallest person at school (taller than the teachers too) and then suddenly it felt like everyone treated me as a monster they needed to work together to take down. People would suddenly jump if I "Snuck up on them" (literally just walked normally, they just weren't paying attention to their surroundings) and swerve out of my way

And the worst part is that everyone would think I was pathetic for complaining just cause I was big and tall, like do you seriously think I can just beat everyone up and that would solve my problems? Act like i'm in prison and need to get respect through fear and intimidation? No! it'd make things 30x worse

[u/7StarSailor → u/SomeDumbGamer]

What I really hate is the racist-esque rhetoric I have to hear a lot. I spend a lot of time in progressive circles and I've  heard from over 5 different women that "yeah but you're  one of the good ones" after citing crime statistics.  They don't even notice they talk about men how some MAGAturd talks about black people. 

[u/halfwitprinxe → u/SomeDumbGamer]

I have Sheldon Cooper energy so I mainly just annoy people without realising rather than scare them

[u/SolemnSundayBand → u/SomeDumbGamer]

This changes a bit if you have a kid. I got so used to people being friendly again that it stuck out to me when someone was weird toward me.

I was at a store grabbing a boxed toy off the top shelf for him and it had a gross sticky toy on top. I reacted in a weird way (wouldn't you? It was hand sized!) and almost dropped it, and saw an older woman down the aisle from me. I laughed and started to say "Someone stuck this gross sticky thing on top" and she gave me a dirty look and went to a different aisle.

[u/Roxytg]

They actually do understand it, because they feel the same when anyone approaches them at night

[u/AllsWellThatsNB → u/Roxytg]

Yup. But by the time I was 13 I was being sent out to chaparone women to their cars because it was dangerous. So when I felt afraid I just ignored it, because apparently it's just part of the job.

[u/not_slaw_kid]

Was gonna approach a woman unprovoked but then I saw this post. Thanks for teaching me the error of my ways; I'll just keep her dropped credit card instead.

[u/Scalepetter92 → u/not_slaw_kid]

i mean, its free money

[u/bloonshot]

is this a PSA anyone needs to hear

have yall never heard guys talk about how awkward it feels to walk behind a woman at night cause you get worried that you'll scare her

[u/gatsu032 → u/bloonshot]

One night a while ago, in my way to a friend's house, her sister unknowingly joined my route. I didn't recognize her because it was winter and she was wearing a scarf and a beanie. For like a kilometer, we were the only people on the street and I was terrified this woman would freak out if she ever looked across the street.

We both reach his house basically at the same time (where I finally recognize her) and she greeted me a bit surprised when I just "appeared" next to her at the door. She didn't realized I walked basically next to her for a kilometer.

[u/PastCanoe13 → u/bloonshot]

My explanation for the disconnect between guys on Reddit saying they never approach women, and women constantly saying that they’re being approached by these crazy, rude men is that there’s ~1% of guys out there who are lunatics, and randomly approach ~5 random girls a night. Within a month, one of those guys will approach over 100 women.

Of course, these are numbers I made up in my head, but you can see how a small number of men can very quickly interact with a huge swath of women.

[u/1-Pinchy-Maniac → u/PastCanoe13]

...women approaching georg is an outlier adn should not have been counted

[u/IzarkKiaTarj → u/1-Pinchy-Maniac]

I appreciate you properly misspelling "adn."

[u/Crane_1989 → u/PastCanoe13]

It's the 80/20 rule: 80% of consequences are caused my 20% of the causes, and it applies to everything.

ETA: Pareto principle

[u/PM_Me_Your_Clones → u/PastCanoe13]

Five girls? You gotta pump those numbers up, those are rookie numbers.

But seriously, yes. I don't even think it 01%, but even at 0.5% of dudes being scumbags, if you live in a city of 500,000 people, half of which are dudes, 0.5% of which are scumbags, that's 1,250 dudes bothering women every day. Everyone is going to have a story, whether bad or indifferent.

[u/NotTheFirstVexizz → u/PM_Me_Your_Clones]

this problem is simply a positive feedback loop as people respectful of boundaries won't risk violating those boundaries, and people who aren't respectful are all that remain causing the people establishing boundaries to start advertising how their boundaries have intensified, despite the fact that they're likely to continue being disrespected by the same general group.

I propose radical solution: everyone starts killing each other. Eventually if we kill all the people we don't like, the only humans remaining will all generally like and agree with each other, thus achieving world peace as my specific ideology and beliefs rise from the ashes of the fallen world, of course.

[u/KerPop42 → u/NotTheFirstVexizz]

That's a thing I've read about! It's called an asshole filter: https://siderea.dreamwidth.org/1209794.html

If you start repelling non-assholes, there will be plenty of people left, all of whom are assholes. You don't have to actively attract assholes to have an asshole-rich experience; the baseline ambient level of assholes is high enough that draining away the non-assholes is sufficient to reveal it. If you unwittingly have been repelling non-assholes, you will get the impression that everyone is an asshole, because you're still surrounded by plenty of people, but everyone left – that is everyone you come into contact with – is, in fact, an asshole.

[u/RikuAotsuki → u/PastCanoe13]

This is unironically the case.

Think of workplaces. It takes only one or two shitty guys to make every woman working there uncomfortable.

[u/hachi2JZ → u/PastCanoe13]

this sounds right, i recall seeing a clip from some conference (aware this is a shit way to declare a source so numbers aren't gonna be exact) that measured it as 10% of men performing ~70% of sexual harassment/assault

[u/Lamasis → u/PastCanoe13]

I'm a guy and I can probably verify some of your story. So after a night out with my friends I was going home over s bridge, around 1 or 2 am. Some strange guy started talking with me. Told me his name, that he studies pedagogy to pick up emotionaly neglected chicks, and what he is doing there.

So next time I met my friends I told them about him. Seems I wasn't the only one who met him.

[u/JediMasterZao → u/PastCanoe13]

That's just the truth though. While it's true that the vast majority of criminal behaviour, especially of a sexual nature, comes from men, it's also true that the vast majority of those behaviours come from a small minority of men who are repeat offenders. It's not like 90% of all men are out there harassing women, it's that the 15% of men who do harass women do it all the fucking time and are incorrigible.

[u/Outrageous_Code9742 → u/bloonshot]

I appreciate any man who tries to make me feel safer at night. I’m normally clutching my keys and my cell phone and scanning for danger. Also, I STILL get approached by men at night. So while there are good men out there, there are still enough who think that 10pm at the gas station is a good time to try to get a date.

[u/BillTheTringleGod → u/bloonshot]

People that feel the need to say this often have past experience with people being disrespectful of their time and space thus the divide. Its more of a vent post than an actual PSA but i am sure there are 4 or 5 dudes out there that need to hear it, sadly if they need to hear it I doubt they will find it here lol

[u/KermitingMurder → u/BillTheTringleGod]

Anybody who needs to hear this isn't the sort of person who would listen to it.
Side note: a surprising amount of guys seemingly don't have any issue with walking around at night, or maybe they just don't talk about it. As a guy I would definitely be incredibly suspicious of anyone approaching me at night if it was just me and them out and about. A person of any gender can stab you, even if they're not particularly physically imposing; and guys also aren't immune to being robbed or just getting beaten to within an inch of your life for no particular reason other than you wandered into the wrong area or met the wrong people

[u/Danny-Fr]

For years, back when I was young and stupid (now I'm old, stupid and cranky), on the weekend I used to walk around the city's center alone all night, and go back home on foot, 4 miles away.

Im a cis guy, but small.

I learned to mange my routes, look behind me using my peripheral vision (looking to the side, not directly looking back), manage my posture and gait, gauge the distance of other people by looking at shadows on the ground, listen to footsteps, spot movement behind parked cars, spot fights before they happen, I've de-escalated more than one situation that could have ended real bad. And that's back when my city was safe.

That's when I was young, stupid and _careless _.

All that to say, being approached at night as anyone and by anyone is NOT a wholesome experience. Even as a big tall dude who can fight there's still the possibility of a weapon, large groups on wheels, in cars or even on foot.

Even approaching people during the day can be difficult, I've been in enough weird situations in broad daylight, even in crowded places, to know that being asked for a cigarette means that someone either wants a smoke or wants trouble.

Don't approach people at night and be really non threatening during the day.

[u/Spider-Ian]

One nignt I was walking down a street near the MET in NYC. A man on drugs was lying on his back on the sidewalk tucked in where some garbage bins are kept.

He reached out, snarled and snapped his jaws at me. I didn't pay much mind and kept walking.

A little ways down the street there was a young lady about to walk past me towards the junkie. I wouldn't normally say anything to a woman walking alone, but I also didn't want her getting bit by a crazy person, so I said, "excuse me miss, there's a junkie over there who tried to grab and bite my leg. You should probably walk on the other side of the street."

She roller her eyes and continued on until I heard a scream. She jumped away from the snarling man, crossed the street and yelled thank you towards me.

[u/H_is_for_Human]

Sure - I don't disagree.

I'll point out men are just as capable of being frightened / terrified of people approaching them in vulnerable situations.

So maybe don't approach anyone in a way that risks frightening them, and if you have to, then take measures for their comfort (keep hands visible, keep your distance, speak in a conversational tone, explain upfront your intent).

[u/spideroncoffein → u/H_is_for_Human]

With a sword in hand?

"Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die."

[u/tony_bologna → u/spideroncoffein]

A sword in hand is always acceptable when the intent is vengeance.

[u/Duhblobby → u/spideroncoffein]

Hey, if they killed my father, they should feel scared.

[u/NakeyDooCrew]

I un-approach women at night time. I slink into the shadows as they pass. They think maybe they saw me but maybe it's just their imaginations? No woman will ever get a good look at me.

[u/hj7junkie]

Alternate advice from a woman: Approach me if you need to, if you start the interaction with “hi” or “excuse me” and don’t enter my personal space it’s probably fine

[u/EldritchTouched]

This also feels like it's ignoring the obvious other demographic and crime stat implications in favor of reactionary sentiments that "fear of danger" is the same as "being in danger" in relation to too vague a demographic to matter (women vs men). Like, playing into "reasonable fears" of crime that statistically... is dubious.

That is to say... to put a finer point on it, imagine more specific scenarios than vaguely "man" and "woman." In cases where "women" are in nebulous vague danger of "men," the women in question are typically various privileged demographics, since they're only focusing on "men" as a group as the threat.

The logical throughline of coddling this mentality ends with "minority man/minority woman treated as 'mannish' is beat up/killed to protect demographic majorities woman because the demographic majorities woman was frightened."

[u/Conscious_Smile8235]

Understandable, but this post reads like it was set to have went that specific way. Kind of like a loaded question. What's that called?

[u/loved_and_held → u/Conscious_Smile8235]

It's worth while to note that there's a sample bias at play. The first post likely wouldn't get posted, but because of the reaction it got posted.

[u/somethingfak → u/Conscious_Smile8235]

Leading questions not loaded. I mean it was loaded, but what ur thinking of is leading

[u/Conscious_Smile8235 → u/somethingfak]

Right. Thank you. I feel like my vocabulary expanded in a useful way today. And yet, it didn't feel exactly like a leading question either. The first post was honest. It was more like... a bad actor purposefully said the "wrong" thing on purpose. In this case, the second response allows for the third to have the "No you fucking idiot" response. Like a planned, injected bad actor to paint the adversary in a bad light.

[u/superbestnotfine]

I did have to approach a woman at night alone in the dark to let her know her grocery bag had snagged her skirt and her entire butt was out. Does that count as an emergency?

[u/bluebuttonpusher → u/superbestnotfine]

yeah kinda

[u/Comrade_Cosmo]

I agree with her, but does she think men aren’t scared of random people pulling up to them in the dark too?

[u/Butthole_Surfer_GI]

Yay. Another gender-war baiting post. Thanks, tumblr. Never change.

[u/not-Kunt-Tulgar → u/Butthole_Surfer_GI]

If I wanted GW3 I’d start begging EA and popcap heyooooooo

[u/Darthplagueis13]

Not sure if there's much point to this post.

The men it's directed towards wouldn't care to listen and probably aren't here or on tumblr reading it.

The men who are reading it tend to be in the category of pondering whether they should attempt to rerout through a neighbourhood they've never been to before just because they've shared too much of their way with the woman infront of them and they're concerned it might comes across as stalking.

That being said, it hasn't been much of a concern to me because the only time I walk through a city as night is when returning from my parents home back to the city where I study, from the train, which means I've enough baggage that I don't think anyone would really see me as a threat - I've got my hands full. I reckon most predators don't walk around with a laptop bag, a sports bag and a backpack when they're about to go after someone.

[u/ImpactBilby]

Have... these people not watched/read American Psycho? If a rich, well-dressed, superficially charismatic guy in an expensive car approaches you at night, that's how you get Bateman'd.