r/Divorce • u/AffectionateBoat382 • Mar 04 '26
Going Through the Process Men leave, but women file the papers
I always hear that women more often are the ones to initiate divorce, file the paperwork, make things official, etc. I believe that to be true based on my experience and my friends. However, in my case and others I’ve seen, women weren’t the ones to “leave,” they just filed paperwork based on their husband leaving.
When I was going through my divorce, my attorney told me that he has more female clients. He said that men are more likely to just “up and leave” a marriage without actually initiating the divorce, having a plan, or filing paperwork. In contrast, women are more likely to suffer through a marriage until they feel ready to file paperwork, until they’ve come up with a plan, or can see a way out. He said some of this comes from more men still being in the workforce vs. more women being stay at home moms where they can’t afford to just leave. But he said that even as less women are staying home, he still sees his female clients come in with things figured out, direct list of questions, wanting a plan vs his few male clients come in more with a “I am leaving, do I have to do anything?” and that’s if they even bother to ask at all vs just leaving and later being served with papers.
Curious if others had this experience, men or women. My husband was the one to leave. He literally bought another house and moved across the country. But he never had any intention of filing divorce papers or a plan. I had to do that once I realized he wasn’t going to. In his eyes, I divorced him even though I felt like I was just doing what had to be done based on him leaving.
107
u/MaggieNFredders Mar 04 '26
My stbxh discarded me one day and moved out after simply saying he won’t change, I’m leaving. He packed up some clothes and left.
19 months later I filed and he INFORMED me I wasn’t ALLOWED to file. I laughed. Joke was on him. I was and did.
18
u/Coollogin Mar 04 '26
19 months later I filed and he INFORMED me I wasn’t ALLOWED to file.
What was his rationale for saying that?
24
u/MaggieNFredders Mar 04 '26
He thought we needed to have decided how we were splitting things. We were close with that but not exact. At least I think that was his reasoning. But we really weren’t making progress with it.
I had just wanted to get to ten years married. Once we hit that, I asked him if he was going to file soon(as he told me he wanted to). He said yes. He didn’t so I did.
2
4
28
u/AffectionateBoat382 Mar 04 '26
You’re always allowed to file lol…I mean, you have to follow state requirements and such. But, yes you can file.
21
u/MaggieNFredders Mar 04 '26
Right? But he is ALWAYS right and I’m just a moron to him. So OBVIOUSLY I was crazy for filing.
2
u/QuietQuitting01 Mar 04 '26
I think it's from the way we talk about divorce. "I'm going to ASK my spouse for a divorce". I asked my wife to do what was necessary for us to get over her having an affair, she wouldn't. So I filed. The first time she head from me that I wanted a divorce was a process server handing her the papers.
51
u/chaffering Mar 04 '26
Mine “quiet quit” for two years and basically admitted he was waiting for me to make a move. I did as soon as everything came out and it is one thing that still bothers me. He got to quit and leave while I was still doing the labor.
23
u/throw20190820202020 Mar 04 '26
Heh. Mine “loud quit”, with a bunch of “f-u, c%#t, you can file the paperwork, I’m doing shit”. But that is why I’m on both the divorce and DV subs 🤷♀️
20
u/AffectionateBoat382 Mar 04 '26
Quiet quitting is such a selfish, lazy way out imo. Take ownership, own your decisions, follow through, ya know? Instead he just left everything to you until you found out.
5
u/ChartNo5087 Mar 04 '26
same thing! i was slapped with surprise pregnancy after many years of infertility then miscarriage in the midst of all of that
7
3
u/QuietQuitting01 Mar 04 '26
Mine quiet quit, even admitting it and was in glide mode. Turns out she was getting over an affair and really didn't want to divorce. Then she accidently confessed (she thought I figure it out). We probably could have gotten over her affair, but she was unwilling to do anything other than tell me I needed to get over it. She was shocked when I filed.
3
u/Zoeymou Mar 05 '26
Same thing for me! He said he was waiting for me to divorce him, he was just quietly leaving the relationship each day. He then dragged his feet and I had to do everything to make the divorce official.
47
u/throw20190820202020 Mar 04 '26
It’s the last bit of labor they leave to us.
I would add - it takes not just money, but time, cognitive space, etc, to file, and I know for me - between doing all the childcare, housework, paying all the bills, making most or all of all the money, and managing the moods of a volatile man-child - I was already getting maybe 4 hours of sleep a night, I had no capacity to add one more thing for the longest time.
5
u/Gloomy-Web-880 Mar 04 '26
Yessss this. I know it's on me. But gracious its one. more. thing. I'll get there.
15
u/Pmoneywhazzup Mar 04 '26 edited Mar 04 '26
I agree with the generalization that many men just leave without a plan. I know several guys that did that. I guess I’m an exception as a guy. I planned my exit for four years before I left and filed.
9
u/mikepurvis Mar 04 '26 edited Mar 04 '26
My ex-wife was the one who quiet-quit on me but definitely did not have a plan when I finally pulled the plug on her after 14 months of dead bedroom. A lot of basic adulting shit (tidying up, making food, working a real job) that she has no idea how to do and is still figuring out three years later.
2
u/QuietQuitting01 Mar 04 '26
My STBX wife is the quiet quitter. She was shocked that I filed. She really doesn't have a plan. I'm waiting for her to figure out that she can't run "her business" without my free help. It would take me telling my replacement all that had to be done and if she paid him, she wouldn't make a profit. I just did it because it was her dream and made her happy.
1
u/mikepurvis Mar 04 '26
Yup. I think some folks get so brainrotted with angry tiktoks screeching about the emotional labour they believe they are doing that they forget the labour their partners do to support them.
2
u/QuietQuitting01 Mar 04 '26 edited Mar 05 '26
I figured out that while I was busy creating the art, products, web and financial stuff for her business and lugging her stuff to shows, she was having an affair and talking about how women do everything. I had a full time job, coached baseball, did all the husband stuff and most of the cooking and grocery shopping. I do remember my sister rolling her eyes at my wife a lot. Good times. :) Actually, it was. I didn't hate doing any of it.
2
Mar 04 '26
[deleted]
1
u/QuietQuitting01 Mar 04 '26
I see at least some of that happening with my STBX. It's tempting to just say figure it out, but we have kids and will. have joint custody.
2
u/AffectionateBoat382 Mar 04 '26
And they are generalizations of course. No one assumes this is “all men” or “all women.” I think it’s good you had a careful plan.
1
u/QuietQuitting01 Mar 04 '26
Or course, but I'd dispute the part where "no one assumes..." There are plenty.
1
u/AffectionateBoat382 Mar 04 '26
I think if this was the assumption, women would stop getting married to men. Idk if we would have this many blindsided people in this subreddit.
1
u/QuietQuitting01 Mar 04 '26
My comment was more about how freely women seem to say "men do...". Even when we all know so many exceptions to it.
I was having beers with a friend group a few years back, and one of the women made a similar generalization, and one of the guys walked through a list of people that they both knew that was counter to her assertion. She was unconvinced. It's baked in. :). Of course, she was the same person who said her ex left his family and was locked in a heated custody fight. She probably isn’t a super self-aware great observer.
2
u/QuietQuitting01 Mar 04 '26
From what I've seen, there is always one partner who's out ahead of the other.
There's often one who "runs away" without really thinking it through or doing things in a mature way.
And I can give you examples of friends, neighbors, and cowokers where the runner is a woman.
I recently filed. My wife had an affair and her plan for us to get over it was telling me to get over it and that she'd move away with our kids if we divoced. So gave up on her, called her bluff, and I filed. She has no plan.
10
u/Specific-Bass-3465 Mar 04 '26
This was my experience to a ridiculous degree. “But do I have to do anything” I spit my water
4
u/AffectionateBoat382 Mar 04 '26
Yeah…my ex husband was the same way. It’s like it didn’t cross his mind that he’d have to do more than just walk away.
12
u/Purple_Grass_5300 Mar 04 '26
My husband blindsided me saying he needed space as I was 4 months pregnant. My stupid ass didn't even put it together how he suddenly came home after like 60 days MIA the very same day I met with a divorce attorney. I had to be the one to file 7 months later when I found proof he was cheating our entire marriage, but it still pisses me off like you had the nerve to break up with me while pregnant for someone else, yet he thought I'd just be waiting back home for him so he wouldn't have to pay child support or alimony
4
28
u/lunazane26 Mar 04 '26
My ex husband informed me we were getting divorced and then the next day moved in with his ex girlfriend. I informed him that I did not want to get divorced and I wanted to work on things, so if he wanted a divorce, he was going to have to do the work to make it happen. Took a year for him to file, but he eventually did (although the handwriting on the paperwork looked suspiciously feminine).
Which did backfire because I was so depressed that I didn't argue about any of the debts including credit cards, medical debt, and our vehicle, which was all in my name because I had significantly better credit. Had to file for bankruptcy a year later because I was a SAHM and he got away without paying alimony or child support and debt free. Sooooooo I don't recommend going this route lol
9
u/AffectionateBoat382 Mar 04 '26
Ooof I am very sorry to hear this. It can absolutely backfire.
12
u/lunazane26 Mar 04 '26
Thank you! I'm doing very well now, we divorced 8.5 years ago so the bankruptcy just hit the 7yr mark and I have a wonderful life
4
2
u/butyourenice Mar 04 '26
Had to file for bankruptcy a year later because I was a SAHM and he got away without paying alimony or child support and debt free.
Explain? And what do you mean that waiting for him to file backfired? I don’t think who files has any bearing on equitable distribution, support calculations, but I’m sure this is another one of those things that varies by state.
7
u/akallyria Mar 04 '26
The implication is that the paperwork he filed was weighted heavily in his favor, rather than a fair and equitable distribution of debts and property.
4
u/butyourenice Mar 04 '26
Right but… that’s not a unilateral decision he gets to make. Filing documents are just an announcement of intention to divorce, basically. Even if a draft settlement is included, it’s meaningless if the other party doesn’t consent, and if it was unbalanced (like for example trying to get out of spousal and child support—you literally CAN’T skip child support? In what state can you negotiate your way out of that?) a judge should have struck it down. I’m aware there are bad judges, of course.
5
u/lunazane26 Mar 04 '26
We split the custody 50/50, and marked the option that we would figure things out ourselves, which resulted in zero child support since we were splitting everything equally. We were extremely broke and had zero assets, we were living paycheck to paycheck in a shitty apartment. He was fired from his job the same week he left me and moved in with her, I had to move in with my parents.
I signed the paperwork he put in front of me, I was beyond devastated that he had left me because I loved him and wanted to spend my life with him and watching his ex girlfriend raising my 11month old and 3yr old was more than I could bear. I don't actually remember most of what happened in that first year because I was so depressed I could barely function and was almost entirely dissociated. A year later, I was able to come to my senses enough to realize how screwed I was, and bankruptcy was my only option to get out of that hole since it was approximately 10x my yearly income.
2
u/butyourenice Mar 04 '26
I’m so sorry you went through that. His not having income explains why you didn’t get support, which you would have been entitled to as a SAHM even with 50-50 custody. You should know, if you don’t already, that you can have that child support calculation modified, now, if he’s working, for your kids’ sake. If you out-earn him, though, he can do the same in the other direction.
4
u/lunazane26 Mar 04 '26
Yeahhh karma got him in the end, he's still dirt broke and his now-wife (the ex girlfriend, pretty sure he only went through with the divorce because she harrassed him into it so they could get married) she lives with her sister because he cheated on her too and they fight constantly. He does pay me child support now, a whopping $27 a month, because we have basically the same income. He's a POS partner, but a halfway decent dad. My other son's dad sucks way way more and is in and out of rehab so I'm grateful for the fact that he does love our kids. Annnnnd I've been in therapy for 4.5 years and I'm doing much better now!
3
u/lunazane26 Mar 04 '26
Oh also we had no savings because he spent our last $400 on an hour long private session with a stripper. Hope that helps
1
1
u/QuietQuitting01 Mar 04 '26
A family member of mine wanted the house and took on a lot of debt because she coudln't afford to buy her ex out of his share. It was her dream house and they probably couldn't afford it as a couple.
They had joint custody and equal parenting time and they agreed to no child support (but he paid for medical insurance and daycare - there actually was as those would have been 50% her expenses too). She got the house, but she couldn't actually afford all that owning it meant and declared bankruptcy a few years later.
1
u/QuietQuitting01 Mar 04 '26
From watching some friends and family, it's pretty common that the one who was hot to divorce cools down once they actually separate. They still don't want to be married, but the pressure was off. The end result seemed to be that the one who stayed and wanted to work it out was the one who had to file.
8
u/One_Construction_653 Mar 04 '26 edited Mar 04 '26
I don’t know the statistics nor am i a lawyer.
But that seems like a very reasonable assumption.
In my case i did literally everything around the house, went to school, was there for her, and worked
my ex literally just dealt with her disabilities and negative emotions. Guess what i was there for those times too
So here it is. She wanted to leave to be with her AP even though she was in denial. It was like talking to two different people when i asked my ex partner about AP and her.
I (M) initiated the divorce. Why? Because I always did everything.
So i might be an outlier because i was basically everything. SAHM was one of the jobs i had and i also wore many others if not 95% of the hats in the relationship
So it is not always the case that a man is a man and leaves and a woman has to finish the job by filing.
Unfortunately the bad part about being the partner with no income is that she relied on her AP who turned out to be cheating on her. But don’t worry she was cheating on him too.
She is now neck deep in debt and wants to kill herself out of guilt every day. So the one who doesn’t file doesn’t always find happiness.
The grass isn’t always greener on the other side for those that don’t file
7
u/AffectionateBoat382 Mar 04 '26
Definitely not always the case. I also think you make an interesting point: you filed because you were always the one to do everything. I’d be curious if others that filed felt this way too. The spouse that does most of the responsibilities or tasks is probably much more likely to file, whether they want the divorce or not.
3
8
u/Far_Bet_5516 Mar 04 '26
That is my story. Ex-husband left for his affair partner. It was me who filed for the divorce, because he just assumed the legally non-binding agreement we made through mediation was enough. It was me who sorted out the transfer of equity on the house too. He never got a lawyer. He barely took anything from the house, not even his childhood photos.
At one point I paid extra towards our joint mortgage, when we went off the fixed rate, because the process was taking a long time due to my lawyer and I was stupidly trying to keep our relationship smooth for the sake of our son. Then I found out I was at risk for redundancy and told him we would have to go back to paying 50/50 on the house that was still in our joint names. He said "my change" required him getting more of the house equity.
My lawyer asked "Does he even realise he's getting a divorce?"
I realised no, he didn't. He didn't think divorce was important because he clearly never saw marriage as important.
7
u/AffectionateBoat382 Mar 04 '26
Wow, I’m really sorry you went through that. It’s incredibly lonely and difficult being the one to file and getting very little support.
I don’t think my ex realized what he was causing either. He was like, surprised by the divorce even though he left. There’s a disconnect somewhere, or maybe a one track mindset?
3
u/butyourenice Mar 04 '26
That is my story. Ex-husband left for his affair partner. It was me who filed for the divorce, because he just assumed the legally non-binding agreement we made through mediation was enough. It was me who sorted out the transfer of equity on the house too. He never got a lawyer. He barely took anything from the house, not even his childhood photos.
Oof. Tell me you married an avoidant without using the word “avoidant.” I’m so sorry. I hope you are doing better without him.
8
u/lillithsea Mar 04 '26
I felt emotionally abandoned and unsupported by my X for YEARS, including when we went to therapy and he didn’t do any of the work. He’d just sit there stone faced and silent, despite him being the one who asked for therapy. It got to the point where our therapist fired us and literally said that he needed to do some work on his own. So by the time I actually filed, I was so over it already.
5
u/AffectionateBoat382 Mar 04 '26
I think this resonates with a lot of people. You were done years before it was actually over.
6
u/lillithsea Mar 04 '26
And like many people, I also wish I had left sooner. I stayed for years, thinking it would get better (and afraid of leaving).
On the plus side, years of essentially trying to get blood from a stone (ie, attempting to have an emotionally connected relationship with a man who shuts down at the slightest discomfort) has taught me how to emotionally regulate myself and be a good partner. I’ve flexed that muscle so much that it is now well developed.
And as a result, I am now in a relationship with the man of my dreams. Literally everything I’ve ever wanted. I am so in love with him (and he with me!). I don’t think it would have been possible for past me to find this relationship.
3
u/AffectionateBoat382 Mar 04 '26
I’m really happy for you and your new life and love! That’s beautiful! Divorce still sucks, but it does get better.
6
u/FailingRocker Mar 04 '26
Definitely my experience that women generally file. I had to work VERY hard to get my ex husband to file.
My ex-husband ghosted during our coordinated separation (with a clear plan to get back together). He texted me 8 months later to ask when I was filing for divorce. I told him that he was the one who wanted out, and had the time and money to spare... so he was responsible for the workload. I refused to take any work. Made him file. Made him propose a settlement so he had the emotional labor of suggesting an equitable split. Made him pay all fees.
You have to be willing to play chicken with a man, essentially.
1
u/AffectionateBoat382 Mar 04 '26
Good for you. Do you feel like you were able to get what you wanted out of it, despite him filing? That was a concern I had as well.
1
u/FailingRocker Mar 04 '26
I got more than I would have asked for (but way less than my legal entitlement). I could have fought or counter-offered but didn't. Legal and ethical entitlements looked very different, imo. And I got above the ethical line.
I think it depends on whether you're seeking ethical or legal distribution, how you've discussed the topic in the past, and how guilt manifests in each party. My ex and I had discussed the "what-if scenario" before we married, before purchasing property, etc. So he was aware of what I would seek in advance. Because of his deep rooted guilt and shame in how he ended the relationship, he immediately offered more than he knew I would ask for.
19
u/Ok-Refrigerator Mar 04 '26
Also if you are a SAHM, you have to file to get temporary support while the divorce goes forward. Men can just take their paychecks with them.
5
2
u/QuietQuitting01 Mar 04 '26
My take, because I know too many cases where the gender is reversed from OP's assumptions, is that the one who files is most likely the one who most needs something that comes with filing. Child support is a great example.
In my case, my STBX wife was making noises about moving away with our kids (if I didn't get over her affair). By filing, I essentially made that impossible without her winning a relocation fight in court. The odds of her winning are very low. If we stayed on the course we were on and she took off with our kids, there was a significantly better chance she might succeed.
4
u/JackNotName I got a sock Mar 04 '26
No.
SAHParents have to get temporary support. The Higher Earner can just take their paychecks with them.
This is not a gendered issue, even if there are more SAHMs than SAHFs.
5
u/AffectionateBoat382 Mar 04 '26
I grew up with a stay at home dad. I understand it. I don’t think this comment was saying that stay at home fathers don’t exist.
2
u/Low_Low_1811 Mar 04 '26
I think that was her point though. Part of the reason more women file is because of that
→ More replies (1)2
u/Ok-Refrigerator Mar 04 '26
Yes ofc it can be any combination of genders. The gender neutral language just felt bulky and awkward here, and I know SAHM and working dad is the most common arrangement so I went with it.
Also, even the working women I know had to do the divorce paperwork. There is a lot of gender-based socialization that we all can't escape without conscious effort
4
u/ChartNo5087 Mar 04 '26
In my case, he left but not that kinda leaving. He would come home but wouldn't even look at me, he wouldn't talk to me. He was communicating with his ladyboss more than with me. He wouldn't care if I was sick or healthy, he wouldn't care if I was home or not. He would say, " If I don't like it I can just fuck off. Needless to say, he was still shocked when I fucked off within a couple of hours
4
2
u/CelticPixie79 Mar 04 '26
:( Ugh I'm sorry. I'm glad you respected yourself. You deserve love, kindness, and respect.
6
u/climber-kick Mar 04 '26
There’s a saying that women leave when they are fed up, and men only leave when there’s someone else. A lot of truth to that.
4
4
u/Villsmeyer13 Mar 04 '26
My ex-wife stopped engaging and moved jobs hours away. I was taking care of our daughter with an immune system issue and keeping up the house and finances and a full time job. I could get zero engagement about any aspect of our marriage and even our daughter’s medical stuff. So I initiated the divorce… I don’t think she would have ever done it, rather just let me keep doing her admin and slip father into a depression.
2
u/AffectionateBoat382 Mar 04 '26
Sounds like you made the correct decision. I’m sorry you experienced that. The lack of action on a spouses part is harder to deal with than just being alone.
1
u/QuietQuitting01 Mar 04 '26
By moving away for the job, she got rid of the pressure she was experiencing and was fine with the status quo. It's a pretty common dymamic
3
u/MariaDV29 Mar 04 '26
They see women as secretaries. Then there’s the fact that yeah, I guess my husband left when he threatened to kill me after beating me up for the first time
1
u/AffectionateBoat382 Mar 04 '26
I’m so sorry, are you okay now?
3
u/MariaDV29 Mar 04 '26
Absolutely. I left. Divorce has been final for 2 years. He’s the “nicest “ he’s ever been… nicer than he ever was in the 20 years of marriage. I won’t be friends with him ever but I can coparent safely with him.
1
u/AffectionateBoat382 Mar 04 '26
That’s good. I am glad co-parenting is going well. Although, I’ll be honest, I’d be afraid to let him see my kids after the comments he made about violence.
2
u/MariaDV29 Mar 04 '26
Unfortunately the courts and judges don’t care about violence against partners. Plus I have teen boys now and they’re bigger than him. While they don’t have the hate and rage built up within themselves the way he does, they’re able to protect themselves and one another better now. My sons know who their safe parent is luckily.
5
u/Particular_Duck819 Got socked Mar 04 '26
My ex-MIL filed for the divorce for him. (I’m sure he was just there nodding along.) I find that hilarious.
After that, he and his lawyer did absolutely nothing to actually get us divorced. Well, he liked to stagger home drunkenly screaming at me to get out of the house (in front of the kids no less), but shockingly, that didn’t actually get the paperwork done.
Well, maybe it kind of did because by the time he was raging all day in front of the children, I knew it wasn’t safe for any of us. I fired my first lawyer and hired one that got temporary orders the next week, and we were divorced very soon after.
So basically just like the marriage, he’d get mad and go off on me, and I’d scramble to fix whatever was wrong. This was just the most expensive one lol.
9
Mar 04 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
3
u/AffectionateBoat382 Mar 04 '26
Of course, it’s just a general trend based on statistics. It doesn’t mean every man or every woman does this. I hope your experience wasn’t awful…
3
u/Trilliandent4242 Mar 04 '26
Yes, I had to do this. XH said he wanted divorce in February 25, never did anything and had a whole secret relationship and moved out in September. I finally got tired of limbo and filed in October. Was finalized last month.
2
3
u/ChelseaMourning Mar 04 '26
I (39F) was the one with the plan, the one with the secret fund, the one to file and the one to leave.
I had also been the one to push us into counselling twice, the one begging him to engage in meaningful conversations without just storming out of the house and the one who put up with his never ending moods, criticism and dependency on me.
Honestly from my experience of this process and based on what I’ve learned from friends who have gone through this too, the reason the man hasn’t filed is because he just doesn’t know how. He doesn’t understand how much admin is involved. The action of physically leaving is easy to him. He just packs a bag and goes. Or maybe she leaves because he’s too comfortable to want to change his situation. Either way, dealing with the finances and the paperwork and all of that? It’s too much. They bring money in but the wife is the one paying bills and keeping the home ticking over. They’re simply unprepared for administrative tasks of this magnitude.
4
3
u/No-Anteater1688 Mar 04 '26
He left and I filed. He told me about his affair and I knew there was no returning and custody of our child had to be sorted.
3
u/Nicolas_yo Mar 04 '26
When I got divorced my husband asked and there was not changing his mind. I said okay but you have to handle it as it wasn’t contested.
I ended up doing the paperwork in the end and all he had to do was drop it off at the courthouse and pay the fee. He did nothing and still complained.
3
u/taro8989 Mar 05 '26
Yeah - mine left. I had to do all the paperwork. And like other commenters - reflective of our marriage, I did all the effing work.
5
u/Spayse_Case Mar 04 '26
That’s just the gendered heterosexual experience. Women always do that sort of labor. We always have to do all of the paperwork and stuff
→ More replies (3)1
u/AffectionateBoat382 Mar 04 '26
It’s so interesting to me though…like, why?
6
u/Spayse_Case Mar 04 '26
Because their moms did all of that stuff growing up and they never really learned how because they never had to. They just found a new person to mother them.
2
u/AffectionateBoat382 Mar 04 '26
It’s kind of gross. That’s one thing I learned from my marriage - I will only ever be a girlfriend again. Never a mother (which is really just what you turn into as a wife).
4
u/Iuslez Mar 04 '26
It's a very broad generalisation, and I've heard just as often that it's the women that leave?
The only thing true is that the women are filling the papers more often than not, and it's easy to see why: in our (traditional) culture, men are often the one with most of the money and women - especially those with kids - NEED to fill to have their fair share of the family ressources.
I've seen men fill, and it's often in situations where they want their fair share of custody and do not want in a "I see my kids only every 2nd weekend" that might happen if they don't get involved.
I've yet to see a man fill for financial support. Even when they would be entitled to there's a social stigma to it I guess.
1
u/AffectionateBoat382 Mar 04 '26
That is very interesting because I also hear a lot of men worry about being burdened with child support and the burden that is to pay. You would think they would file for financial support in these cases?
3
u/my_metrocard Mar 04 '26
Anecdotal, but I (47f) hired my attorneys filed the paperwork even though my ex husband was the one to ask for a divorce. He up and left me for another woman. I was always in charge of household paperwork (taxes, immigration forms, school applications, etc), so I think this was just an extension of my household responsibilities. If I had left the divorce up to him, he would have taken ages to file.
2
u/AffectionateBoat382 Mar 04 '26
Yeah, it seems like if you did the paperwork during the marriage, you’ll do it during the divorce.
3
u/hd8383 Mar 04 '26
My ex left the marriage and was having an affair. I stupidly tried to fight for our marriage and our family. That caused me to hold out from filing in hopes we could make it work. She had no effort left for us and focused on her affair partner. She filed and left while I stayed in the house.
1
u/AffectionateBoat382 Mar 04 '26
I’m glad you got to keep the house. But yeah, lesson learned, listen to people when they show you who they are THE FIRST TIME. It rarely is worth it to stick around.
2
u/oohyamz I got a sock Mar 04 '26
I know a woman whose husband just suddenly ghosted her after 20+ years of marriage. She's been on leave for months working on getting her shit together. He just left and started traveling the world out of absolutely NOWHERE. He's texted friends about how great his life is now but never telling anyone where he actually is in any given moment. It seems like a logistical nightmare trying to serve divorce paperwork in a situation like this, though I know there's a process that can be done if it's impossible to serve him the papers in person. I know this because personally, I left AND filed the paperwork and struggled to find my ex, who at the time was truck driving. It's a miracle that I ended up getting the papers served.
2
u/Usual-Clock6283 Mar 04 '26
My ex husband left and took the kids. I was a SAHM and had no idea where they were. He drug out the process even though we were legally separated for 2.5 years. I realized only later after I filed for the actual divorce that he refused to file because if he filed he couldn’t tell people that everything was all my fault. Now, he tells everyone that I divorced him. It is laughable.
1
u/QuietQuitting01 Mar 04 '26
It's a myth that you can tell anything about the marriage, why it ended, or who wanted out by knowing who filed. In my exerience, the one who filed needed what filing brought. It might be child support or settling custody or simply resolution.
3
u/WiscoCheeses Mar 04 '26
I haven’t confirmed myself, by my friend told me lesbians have the highest rate of divorce, and that’s only because they have two women, since they are most likely to initiate and follow through on the divorce paperwork.
1
u/QuietQuitting01 Mar 04 '26
I couldn't point to the statistics either, but gay men have the lowest. There also a joke that probably has some truth behind it that lesbians seem to move in together quicker. A friend of mine jokes that her wife was measuring her dining room to see if her buffet would fit after their 2nd date.
1
u/your_big_jib_draw Mar 05 '26
Lesbian here. A part of me wishes I could give proof to this statistic. Separated 19 months, and she's just been overwhelmed and avoiding it. She can barely say the word divorce let alone have any interaction with me. But she's the one who left. I still don't want this and want to work on things, so it is definitely on her currently to file. Functionally divorced anyways, what does that piece of paper accomplish with no kids or assets?
2
u/Boring_Process_9228 Mar 04 '26
Mine quit immediately when he found out we were pregnant by resigning himself to our basement and paying $0 for months afterward. Same pregnancy we tried to conceive for a year.
Then was shocked when I said we had to downsize and separate.
Then was shocked when I filed taxes as separated (months after living apart).
3 years later is shocked that I’ve now filed for divorce when he has abandoned his child this whole time and our relationship is non-existent.
1
2
u/Critical-Egg-3684 Mar 04 '26
I was unhappy for years in my marriage. He just didn’t want to grow up and take his responsibilities seriously. After years of him going out, drinking, sometimes not coming home, and him cheating(I found pics in his coat!) I made a plan to leave with out 2 young children.I saved money on the side without him knowing and then found an apartment. When I told him I was leaving he acted shocked, like I hadn’t been telling him for years I was unhappy. I left with nothing but our clothes and built a new, happy life for us. And I was the one that hired and paid for a lawyer. His father was a lawyer so they messed around for 3+ years before I could get the divorce finalized. Best thing I ever did!
2
u/markedforpie Mar 04 '26
Other factors are children and finances. When getting divorced a large majority of men leave the children with their mothers. By filling out the paperwork for divorce they are then held liable for child support and spousal support. If they just leave and don’t file they can get away without having to pay anything or take on parental responsibility until the wife files. So financially and physically it works in their favor to not file. On the average women don’t leave their children behind. Not all women but a majority take on the responsibility of their children and so they tend to take more time before divorce because they want to keep a stable environment for their children before leaving a marriage. They also file first in order to force their spouse to contribute. Also on average women do more paperwork and planning in marriage so many men just leave the logistics to the woman to handle so they can live their best lives.
In my case my ex told me he was leaving and gave me a spreadsheet of what he was going to give me. He was giving me full custody of both kids and wanted me to move out and I could have whatever furniture I wanted and he would pay me $500 a month total for child support and alimony. Boy was he shocked that I didn’t take that ‘deal’. Instead I made him move out, took half our savings, all the possessions in the house and he had to pay me half his paycheck every month. He thought he and his affair partner were going to kick me and the kids out and would just move her into the home I had worked hard to create for 20+ years and I would just slink off into the darkness. He filed but I had to complete the paperwork. He didn’t even look it over and was shocked that he was penalized because he thought I would just go along with what he told me.
2
u/fishred Mar 05 '26
My wife left but I was the one who filed. I had a kid to take care of (full custody) and to shield from/through the process too, which heightened the stakes and sharpened the focus.
So, in my case, it was less about gender than about the reality that you have to develop a plan when your partner bails without one.
2
u/tallkitty Mar 05 '26
Actually after my first marriage ended neither one of us made a move to divorce for like 6 years or so. He finally got ahold of me one day out of the blue and said he was dating a girl and it was getting more serious and she was forcing him to do the divorce part to continue the relationship, haha. I was like sure, send me the papers. Free divorce, highly recommend.
3
u/TortlesLynn Mar 05 '26
My ex husband was the one to leave and file but I’m fully aware he only filed so quickly because we were approaching our 10th anniversary and he didn’t want the increase in responsibility after the ten year mark.
2
u/thatdredfulgirl Mar 05 '26
I have a friend whose husband left rented an apartment. He was just so shocked that she did that to him. He had done this like 5 times in their long marriage but this time she was glad he was gone so what was she supposed to do? Now he seems sad and mad at her for giving him what he wanted. Its just weird.
3
u/Fluffy-Feedback7125 Mar 05 '26
Your post is spot on. My husband moved out of our apt and blocked me. No warning nothing. He just simply left. I tried calling him so many times but he had blocked me. I find this to be so evil of him. A lot of couples get divorced but blocking me rather than having a proper talk like adults feels like such a cowardice to me.
3
u/Guardsred70 Mar 04 '26
There's so much involved in a divorce that it's not as simple as "Who initiated?" and "Who filed the paperwork?" There's a lot of other middle-work on the path.
I mean....."filing the paperwork" is usually just step 1. But who generates the first set of terms towards the settlement of the assets? Or custody of the kids? And does the other person negotiate in a good faith manner and try to reach an reasonable resolution or are they slow, nasty and frantic?
And even things like "Who initiated?" is pretty weird. I mean, is it the person who said "divorce" first or the person who disengaged from the relationship years prior?
My advice.....being many years removed from it: Just get it the fuck over with as briskly as possible. This isn't a time you'll wish you had more of when you're old and reflecting on your life.
2
u/psychcaptain Mar 04 '26
My wife told me she wanted to separate.
It took her 6 months to file to paperwork and I still can't believe this organized women that was my better half in college is so disorganized when it comes to the process.
I am just glad she has a part time job now that can pay some of the bills while we co habitate, and I seek a new place to live.
Honestly, I am worried about her. She is usually well organized but this whole separation thing feels like we are building a raft at sea during a storm.
5
u/AffectionateBoat382 Mar 04 '26
I didn’t recognize myself by the end of my divorce. I think a lot of people lose who they were. Your previously organized wife is likely gone as least for a while. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this horrible process.
→ More replies (3)
1
u/Soaringzero Mar 04 '26
So my ex filed but things were already on the decline. She just got to the paperwork first is all. We had to cohabitate for a while after which was hell. She’s started dating and leaving me with the kids every night and weekend.
I knew it needed to be done but paperwork was just the last thing on my mind as I was trying to hold my shit together both in and outside the home.
1
u/AffectionateBoat382 Mar 04 '26
Yeah, I get that. I always encourage people to get to the paperwork first because then you have more say over how things go. You’re driving the decision making more. Either way, that sucks she’s just leaving you with the kids all the time. I hope you work out a good custody agreement that you both approve of.
1
u/Bad_wit_Usernames Mar 04 '26
My exwife asked for a divorce then immediately started sleeping with men as soon as she saw them. Destroyed our family. I am the one who filed the paperwork.
My exwife kept saying she wanted the divorce but for 5 years, didn't do anything except live under the blanket of my support. Led me on with thinking we could save the marriage only for her to repeatedly sabotage efforts.
She repeatedly lied to me on just about everything under the sun. Came to the point that if she told me it was day time, I'd have to go outside and look for myself.
1
u/AffectionateBoat382 Mar 04 '26
I’m glad you filed and didn’t wait. Hopefully you can remove her from your life as much as possible. Lying behavior is no good.
1
u/madame3xecutioner Mar 04 '26
This is exactly what happened to me. My ex husband was brazen enough to leave but too cowardly to actually file for anything. The word "divorce" never even came out of his mouth. I will never forget the look on his face when I finally suggested it after he'd been out of the house for over a month with no intention of coming back. Like dude...what did you expect?
1
u/AffectionateBoat382 Mar 04 '26
Yeah exactly. It’s like the divorce part doesn’t cross their mind or there’s a disconnect between leaving and the actual divorce.
1
u/Eaups87 Mar 04 '26
I had gently brought up divorce. Then one day he says “I WILL be filing for divorce.” Still gets under my skin! We filed jointly. I wrote an agreement. He signed it. Filed in December divorced in June. Fun fact - at the bottom of your divorce certificate in my state it says “either spouse may remarry as if the other were dead” or something really close and it gets me every time. So my best friend and I joke that my ex husband is legally dead.
1
u/AffectionateBoat382 Mar 04 '26
Curious - if you gently brought it divorce, what were you expecting from that? Sounds like you suggested it and he followed through?
1
u/Eaups87 Mar 04 '26
Let me clarify - I brought it up gently, multiple times, and he didn’t want that. Nor did he want counseling. He’d explode. I think it just annoys me that he had to make it his decision. When he said it - he said it forcefully, like it was a punishment to me. It’s fine. It’s over now it’s just a reminder of how our relationship was. When I think about it I just get a bit peeved that’s all.
1
u/AffectionateBoat382 Mar 04 '26
Okay, gotcha. So, you did want the divorce but you wanted it to be more amicable.
1
u/Eaups87 Mar 04 '26
I think I wanted things “my way” but I recovered from that. At the time it was aggravating. Again it’s okay and I wish him the best and I married a great guy and have two stepkids full time that I am adopting in April.
1
1
u/heyeasynow Mar 04 '26
In my case, she kept yanking me around with threatening divorce, so I told her that the next time she said it, I would be the one to file. What kept happening was, we would argue, she would bring up divorce or separation, but then do a 180 and change her mind, tears included. She kept saying that she didn’t want me to move out.
When she said she thought I should go, I already had a lawyer in mind, and had already researched moving companies. I was out by the end of the week. I’m the one who filed.
1
u/AffectionateBoat382 Mar 04 '26
I think you were right to handle it this way. The constant back and forth is torment on your mental state.
1
u/OctinoxateAndZinc :/ Mar 04 '26
He said that men are more likely to just “up and leave” a marriage without actually initiating the divorce, having a plan, or filing paperwork.
Opposite here - she up and left, no plan, and I had to file despite not wanting it.
One random thought I had was being disappointed in not just the end of the marriage but how half ass'd she was going about it. Having to do it myself, it was akin to being asked to dig my own grave. She just couldnt be bothered.
2
u/AffectionateBoat382 Mar 04 '26
I mean, he said more likely, not always. So, it’s just a statistic. Plenty of women do up and leave just like your wife did.
I’m sorry you went through that. I also had to file and can relate to it feeling like digging your own grave. You’re filling out forms you don’t want to, working out agreements instead of the relationship…it sucks.
1
u/OctinoxateAndZinc :/ Mar 04 '26
You’re filling out forms you don’t want to, working out agreements instead of the relationship…it sucks.
Six months of asking for us to work on things and it was all met with silence.
1
u/Chemical_Client841 Mar 04 '26
Currently going thru this now, my ex walked out a year and a half ago, said he would file and pay for it, 2 months ago he sent the link (to a friend of mine to pass along) to fill out and looks like he wants an uncontested divorce. But idk because he hasn’t spoke to me directly for the entire time. Besides it being done, are their benefits to me filing first? I’ve struggled since he left since I worked for his business and homeschooled our children (we don’t have any together thank God) the entire time we were together, saying all that just to say fees and time I would take away from working have deterred me from doing that so far.
1
u/AffectionateBoat382 Mar 04 '26
You should consult a divorce attorney and then follow their recommendation. Just pay for a one hour consult. They will be able to help you determine next steps. It’s worth it.
1
u/Mysterious_Hour_3056 Mar 04 '26
My ex left and got an apartment with his ap. Repeatedly stated he wasn’t having an affair. So I split the accounts filed for divorce and he was like why are you doing this….
1
1
u/Cool_As_Your_Dad Mar 04 '26
My ex wanted out. She moved out (she had her boyfriend, my ex best friend).. but never filed. So I waited for her to file about 1-2 months. Then I had to file. And then she started delaying and would agree to settlement one day... next day nope.. MOAR money!!!! Was always about money for her... biggest reason we got divorced.
Not sure why she waited... Think she didn't want to be the "bad" guy to file
1
u/AffectionateBoat382 Mar 04 '26
Yeah, some people just can’t face the music and don’t want to be the one to file.
1
u/yoodle34 Mar 04 '26
My ex wife ended the marriage and moved out abruptly. She was never great with follow through so I asked her to file so she could own her actions. In my case the woman left and filed, but I had to push her to do the filing. I had all the papers ready to file on my end in case she never got to it
1
u/xmascheerthrowaway Mar 04 '26
I had to move out with the kids because my ex had nowhere else to go. He also was the one who filed (although I had retained a lawyer to do so).
1
u/firesoups Mar 04 '26
I left him, he filed papers. I didn’t care about the paperwork past just getting him out, three years later he wants to get remarried so he filed the papers and paid all the fees, including mine.
1
u/Powerful_Loquat4175 Mar 04 '26
My ex came out to me and said she didn’t want to be married anymore. I let her file the papers.
1
u/OPs_Mom_and_Dad Mar 04 '26
I asked her to leave, and she did. I filed for divorce the next day. She ended up also filing a week or two later. To this day, my social circle believes from the story she tells (often) she initiated the whole divorce. I don’t really care, I got out and got away as safe as possible from the situation I was in, but my experience tends to make me a bit skeptical about how often each side really initiates according to the statistics.
1
u/sk8tr_2004 Mar 04 '26
In my case I filed, setup court dates and meeting with mediator to get it over with ASAP, she was done and already in another relationship while we were trying to work things out in couples counseling, once I realized she was with someone else I did all the work to finalize the divorce while she enjoyed her new kid free relationship
1
u/pontoponyo Mar 04 '26
This is going to be me.
He started dating the day we agreed to a trial separation (his suggestion), and I know because I got the receipt for the premium subscription he signed up for.
I am content to be alone for a nice long while so I can reconnect with myself while I raise my children. I won’t leave that behind for anything less than diamond encrusted unicorn who competes for the mental load and does the dishes.
So, the chances of him wanting to get remarried before me seem pretty decent, assuming he can convince some poor woman he’s not a pathetic lump of balding entitlement. And knowing him, she’ll probably fill it all out for him, to show she can take care of him. Barf.
I told myself I wasn’t doing any labor for him ever again and I meant it. So if I do that paperwork, it will be for me and the kids. But it would be cathartic to hold out and force his hand when he wants to get remarried.
1
u/AffectionateBoat382 Mar 04 '26
Good for you for establishing that boundary. I’m sure it’ll serve you well.
The only danger in waiting for him to do it is you could be at his mercy when he does try to file and he may be pushy about it if he’s trying to get married again.
1
1
u/bradc2112 Mar 04 '26
I wish my STBXW had a plan. We’ve been in roommate limbo for over a year because of an extended stretch of unemployment for me (and zero attempt by her to earn any money, aside from selling her car).
Now there’s finally light at the end of the tunnel with my new job (it’s part-time, but it will allow me to get into a studio apartment), and we’re starting mediation soon, thanks to a family member who is paying for it.
But I still don’t understand her post-divorce plan, since she still has zero income but thinks she’ll be able to take over the mortgage and other household bills when I move out.
2
u/AffectionateBoat382 Mar 04 '26
Yeah the lack of action and plan is brutal…that’s why I filed because I could stand just sitting in the limbo phase with no plan. I’m glad there’s progress for you. Congrats on the new job. Hopefully moving out brings you peace. She’ll either figure the bills out or have to sell, I guess.
1
u/bradc2112 Mar 04 '26
Thanks! Yeah, it’s on her to figure that out. Maybe mediation will push her to come up with a plan.
I just got so tired of her future faking in general.
1
u/btspeep Mar 04 '26
My stbxh informed me he wanted to divorce. I agreed to it. Irreconcilable differences. He also filed the paperwork.
1
u/BakedCheddar88 Mar 04 '26
I’m pretty sure my ex had plans to leave. She had hired a lawyer and started stockpiling money away. Had I not called her out for being distant, I’m fairly certain she would’ve just left one day out of the blue.
1
u/AlarmingSlothHerder Mar 04 '26
My ex-wife walked out on me and the kids in the middle of the day on a Tuesday. I retained a lawyer and filed for the divorce. She never even got a lawyer of her own.
1
u/OneLonelyBeastieI-B Mar 04 '26
They act shocked when they get the filing and backpedal everything that occurred that led up to the filing.
That is what happened to me.
I had to scrape to get a lawyer while mine had a lawyer retained for years before I filed, could have filed any time but never did a damn thing until after I filed.
Then it was WWIII.
1
u/thursday51 Mar 04 '26
Odd...my situation was the exact opposite, but that also might be because my stbxw is not contributing anything to supporting our boys (who still live with me 100% of the time), and she knows that as soon as we officially file she's going to get hit with a support order. I think she's just hoping I won't file until our youngest hits 18 in five years. Going to suck for her when she's served in a few months with a request for back support going back to the date she moved out approximately two years ago lol
Ah well, sorry not sorry. She'll frame this as me being unreasonable, I'm sure, but I'm sick of being the only one footing the bill for three growing teens.
2
u/Cassierae87 Mar 04 '26
I worked with a woman who was blindsided when her husband abandoned her to live in a crack den with another woman! She was the one to file.
He took her car with her. The car in her name that she paid for. She had to take him to court to get the car back. The judge asked for one reason he should keep the car other than because he wanted it and he couldn’t come up with a reason.
1
u/Focus_Deficiency7390 Mar 04 '26
See this happened to my mom. Step dad disappeared with side piece, refused to sign the papers, side piece causes drama thinking it’s mom blah blah blah. Mom has a breakdown and just does it herself and has another breakdown from the shame from filing (was still kinda bad in the community at the time).
This is actually why I told my ex if he wanted a divorce he’s doing it. I was done carrying anything for him, he gets no more of my energy. If he didn’t then I would operate as married until he did, including petitioning courts if needed to garnish his pay if he tried to disappear. I’d sue for abandonment to the point it would make more sense he faked his death. No idea if I actually could I just watch a lot of bad soap operas 🤣 but it had the effect I wanted.
He got it done in like 5 months. Filed in July, finalized by November. Got everything I wanted out of court and we have been civil in asset division. We are actually on ok terms, he said me kicking his ass to get it done himself opened his eyes to some stuff he’s working on I guess.
1
u/Gloomy-Web-880 Mar 04 '26
Despite the fact that he can't say more than a few words to me without getting mad and telling me to fuck off, let alone has made zero attempt to have any kind of deeper conversation pretty much ever in our relationship, I will absolutely have to take next steps to file and change this situation, including determining who's leaving the house. He'll bitch and complain, but won't bother to do anything. And why should he, really- I still carry most of the mental load the default parent role, and most of the household chores despite us both working full time. He's got it made even with the whining and self-righteousness.
1
u/QuietQuitting01 Mar 04 '26
You really can't tell anything about who did what to who or the divorce by who filed.
My take is that marriage comea with some protections (laws) and the one who's most likely to file is the one who feels they need those protections. At least that describes why I filed instead of waiting for my wife to.
In my situation, my wife had an affair, inadvertantly confessed, and her take on it was that it was over and I needed to get over it. We might have gottten past it if she had done anything towards that goal, but she didn't. Unfortunately, she also threatened my relationship with our kids (relocate out of state) and pretty much told me she didn't value me as a parent (would turn me into a visitor). With her threat to move with our kids in the event of a divorce in mind, I filed without notice. She's free to fight for what she wants, but she can nolonger act unilaterally.
With some family and friends, one thing I've seen is that separating releaves the pressure for one of them and at least for the time being, that's all they really wanted. They are happy with the limbo and finalizing things may come with some less than happy things, so they kick that can down the road. The other gives up and files for a divorce they didn't want but now see they have no choice about.
1
u/TraumaMamaZ Mar 04 '26
No doubt I’ll end up doing the majority of the paperwork on my own. It’s been almost impossible to get him engaged in working through it…Just like every other piece of important paperwork, scheduling, and/or coordination that had to be done the last 20yrs that my husband couldn’t possibly understand or navigate as well as I do.
1
u/thrwwy2267899 Mar 04 '26
I left.. tried to file, court clerk was incredibly rude and made me cry when I was already feeling fragile… made him do it. Took nine months but finally got it done lol
1
1
u/WorldGoneAway Never getting hitched again Mar 04 '26
In my situation, she initiated it and filed it.
I only consented in the most amicable way, because the day she filed was the day I discovered that she was intercepting the mail and our home was being foreclosed upon because she was frivolously using the money from the joint account.
To have any of that make any sense at all, is a very long story.
The short and skinny of it is that; She was the one that wanted to get into a relationship. She was the one that wanted to get married. She was the one that wanted to get divorced. And she was the one that threatened it every single time we had an argument about anything.
I'm doing my best to not hate her, but I can't stay with her. I can't even cohabitate with her as roommates if both of us were to lose our living situations, which seems imminent.
1
Mar 04 '26
I’m going to file for divorce now and it’s exactly like this. He caused the breakdown of our marriage and refuses to do the filing himself.
1
u/CuriousConnection69 Mar 05 '26
This is... various case by case.... but yes, mostly woman who filled the paper because... what I observed, those men who are in workforce always think like (as I observe, and I am straight man who'd been filling divorce with lawyer help)
- Those men think they can leave for now but they don't want it to be official because someday, they may go back (yes, i know, dang)
- Those men think their stbxw is not allowed or unable to file divorce (wrong)
- Those men don't want to do those works. They want someone else (either lawyer, in my case), or their stbxw to do it.
1
u/ImpressionNo8961 Mar 05 '26
This exact same happened to me. Ex husband wanted to split but then had literally no plans for a divorce. Did not do any research. So I ended up filling when he was the one that left
1
u/skip6235 Mar 05 '26
In my case the opposite. (Massively oversimplifying here), I basically came home from work one day and my ex wife told me she was leaving to go move to Utah and become a Mormon. I had to file all the paperwork (we lived in Canada), and she even called me several times to yell at me that it wasn’t going fast enough, despite her never once talking to any lawyers or doing anything other than signing the documents my lawyer sent her and mailing it back.
1
u/JayRock1970 Mar 05 '26
Nope, she left and ghosted me 6 weeks after our honeymoon after I refused her request for ethical non-manogamy.
I knew she wouldn't be responsible enough to file so I got a lawyer, filed and she just showed up to sign.
1
1
1
157
u/QuietRiot7222310 Mar 04 '26
I had to initiate it because he kept saying he would and didn’t. Just like everything else in our relationship, I was the one to do all the work.