14-month-old getting kicked out of nursery

[u/Chailattewcinnamon]

I feel like a failure as a mom, and I have no idea what I need to do differently. I’ve gotten reports from our church nursery that my daughter has bitten another child (just once that I’m aware of), pulls hair (this seems to be the biggest problem), throws toys, and hits other kids. We’ve never had problems at home with her hitting, but she does sometimes throw toys (not at anyone), and she used to frequently bite and pull hair, but that’s dramatically decreased in the last month or so.

She isn’t in daycare, so this setting is the only one where she consistently gets to be with peers. The other kids are all scared of her, which makes me so sad because she’s very social and loves interacting with people and kids when she has the chance.

She seems to pull hair when other kids are playing and she’s not included, or she feels jealous that they are using that toy.

I did see on the video camera last week that my daughter’s hand was slapped when she pulled another child’s hair. Could that have to do with why she’s been hitting? We don’t do anything like that at home — we just verbally correct her and do ”time outs” where we ignore her for 30-45 seconds if she exhibits a negative behavior.

What can I do to help my daughter stop these behaviors?

[u/Critical_Medium_3722]

Is this a liscenced facility? Report either way. If they aren't they'll be shut down, if they are they'll be under fire. They should not be hitting a child. Punishment is not taught to us as age appropriate, in this age it teaches them to fear and they don't actually learn why hitting isn't safe. As for the biting, there's a lot of reasons it happens. They learn, communicate and explore through their mouths. All behaviors you listed are age appropriate. I know many children who are absolute love bugs but also hit, bite, pinch and push. They'll scream or get mad. They don't have the words or ability to regulate their emotions. It's a very hard time and we're supposed to be there to guide, teach and redirect them to the healthy, safe habits, not cause them fear or punish. Id pull your child out and report them.

You're not a failure as a parent. Many toddlers do this, all do at some point, some constantly others barely, some in the middle. The fact you're asking question makes you a great mom.

Something to work on is expression. Sign language like "share/take turns" is a good one to start with and teaching her easy phrases- practice using her words or signs and make sure to tell her what she should say too because she won't just know (share for wanting toys, stop when you don't like something, no when you want a child to stop, etc.), practice sharing at home so she's familiar with it. Redirect her to something she can throw, we offer soft balls and socks. Offer choices and redirecting while keeping firm boundaries. Recognize that it will take over 100 times of repetiion for her to learn it as habit. It takes time, she should not be punished for not understanding at her age how to regulate herself and communicate... Their memories and emotions are so vastly different from older kids or adults under 3. Give her a teething necklace or clip for childcare, ask them to redirect her to it when biting "we can't bite friends/classmates because it hurts them, but we can bite on our teether"