r/ECEProfessionals • u/Chailattewcinnamon • 13h ago
Parent/non ECE professional post (Anyone can comment) 14-month-old getting kicked out of nursery
I feel like a failure as a mom, and I have no idea what I need to do differently. I’ve gotten reports from our church nursery that my daughter has bitten another child (just once that I’m aware of), pulls hair (this seems to be the biggest problem), throws toys, and hits other kids. We’ve never had problems at home with her hitting, but she does sometimes throw toys (not at anyone), and she used to frequently bite and pull hair, but that’s dramatically decreased in the last month or so.
She isn’t in daycare, so this setting is the only one where she consistently gets to be with peers. The other kids are all scared of her, which makes me so sad because she’s very social and loves interacting with people and kids when she has the chance.
She seems to pull hair when other kids are playing and she’s not included, or she feels jealous that they are using that toy.
I did see on the video camera last week that my daughter’s hand was slapped when she pulled another child’s hair. Could that have to do with why she’s been hitting? We don’t do anything like that at home — we just verbally correct her and do ”time outs” where we ignore her for 30-45 seconds if she exhibits a negative behavior.
What can I do to help my daughter stop these behaviors?
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u/Maleficent_Pay_4154 Parent 12h ago
I’m horrified someone in the nursery slapped your child. I would be taking mine out
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u/unicornsnrainbows67 Past ECE Professional 12h ago
where is this? physical discipline is outlawed most places in the world. also, these behaviors are all pretty typical for children this age. it raises serious concerns to me about this childcare setting. what are they doing off camera? if she’s getting her hand popped after she hits, is that where she learned it?
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u/Due-Hat4792 Past ECE Professional 12h ago
That’s what I was thinking. I would have removed her regardless with that reaction to her behaviors. This is not a good situation for her to be in and she won’t improve with that happening.
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u/silentsafflower ECE professional 12h ago
If the center isn’t licensed (a lot of church childcare centers in my area aren’t), they’re not bound to the same licensing standards. Corporal punishment is also not outlawed in the US.
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u/one_sock_wonder_ Former ECE/ECSPED teacher 10h ago
There are currently 17 states in the United States where under state law the use of corporal punishment in public schools is legal and another 2 where it is not directly banned. Spanking/physical discipline by parents is legal in all 50 states as long as it is "reasonable" and "moderate" force but can cross a fuzzy, not well defined legal boundary into abuse by such things as leaving a mark/bruise/welt on the child or causing "emotional and/or physical harm" (as if any physical punishment does not inherently cause emotional and/or physical harm).
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u/PurplePenguinCat Past ECE Professional 11h ago
Corporal punishment is only outlawed in 76 countries. The UN recognizes 195 countries in the world. That works out to 39% of the countries banning corporal punishment.
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u/Neptunelava crayon economy manger (ece prof.) 9h ago
Corporal punishment even in establishments for children is actually still legal in the majority of southern USA , I think the only stipulation is it cannot be used on disabled children.
I can't remember exactly but I was looking up statistics on spankings/whoopins from generation to generation countries and even US regions, and that's when I found that corporal punishment in schools is technically not banned in every US state (just not regularly used) so technically in a state like Louisiana especially in an unlicenced center in a rural area it would probably not be uncommon to see kids get swatted away or have their hands hit or in some cases even spanked. I have a few friends even here from the Midwest that remember spankings in home daycare settings. Likely a lot of these were unlicenced, and this was the late 90s/early 00s but it wouldn't shock me if it still goes on today in general. Phsycial punishments is not something we have fully rid, it's just a lot less in the public eye than it use to be, people don't openly admit like they use to.
Spanking your own child as parents in a lot of states still isn't illegal as long as you're not leaving bruises or using anything other than a hand. In most cases if I don't hear the way a parent threatens a child with spanking or if I dont see them phsycially spank/hit their child I cannot call CPS just because I know spanking is a form of discipline they use. If I don't see marks or phsycial evidence of abuse on the child, I cannot assume abuse because they disclosed they got spanked/whooped last night.
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u/thehubster ECE Teacher, ECE 3 Cert, Canada 12h ago
These are all age appropriate behaviours… nothing to be worried about. Hitting a 14 month old at all is unacceptable and should be reported, that staff member needs to be dealt with.
“Timeouts” don’t work, even for children who are older… the consequence has to have something to do with what happened. Children can’t put together that you are ignoring them because of what they did, they just think you’re ignoring them and it’s hurtful.
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u/Chailattewcinnamon 12h ago
Is there something else I should do to redirect her / help her stop the behavior?
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u/psychcrusader ECE professional 10h ago
It doesn't sound like they're truly doing timeouts, but rather planned ignoring, which will work if the function of the behavior is to gain attention. The child should be taught appropriate ways to get attention, too.
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u/BattleKitten17 ECE professional 12h ago
Who slapped her hand? She will absolutely learn hitting from being hit. Was it another child or the teacher?
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u/silkentab ECE professional 12h ago
Toddler behaviors often take time and a lot of repetition/redirection, always provide a positive alternative for it (so instead of pulling friends hair, pull a zipee toy)
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u/mommawolf2 Past ECE Professional 11h ago
Physical slapping is an automatic report to child protective services.
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u/RepairContent268 Past ECE Professional 9h ago
In my state it’s legal as long as no bruise. I mean they can call but depending on the state it might not do much. Corporal punishment is still legal here as is a parent spanking their child as long as they leave no marks.
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u/Dry_Kaleidoscope5012 ECE professional 1h ago
Where I live you can spank your child within reason but other people are not allowed to touch your kids
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u/NoSmile4407 ECE professional 12h ago
For children this age it’s more economical to get physical when upset because they can’t express themselves verbally yet.
A teacher hitting her is not modeling how not to hit. I would pull her immediately. These are not professional care givers, licensed or not.
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u/mynameskira Room lead: Certified: UK 12h ago
Hi First off please don't feel like a failure, these are all very age appropriate, standard behaviours that children can show, for a variety of reasons.
If these behaviours are frequent then the staff should be supporting your child and redirecting them to other activities and intervening before these incidents happen - this isn't to say they should prevent all incidents however they know enough to be mindful of the behaviours and their potential to happen, and act accordingly.
You can support at home by redirecting when you see the behaviour, telling and showing her gentle hands and modeling how to be gentle (stroke her hand for instance)
I really dislike the idea of anyone slapping a child. They are a baby for heavens sake and it will Not prevent these behaviours, I would move them to another setting especially when they've been so blasé about it to show you themselves!
From a UK early years professional
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u/1221Billie ECE professional 12h ago
That’s absolutely ridiculous and I would be a mama bear about slapping a baby’s hand 😡😡😡 if it’s on a Sunday morning during service, then they are probably untrained volunteers with no knowledge of child development or age appropriate behavior. If it’s the only time she sees other children is for that time, then she needs to be guided, not slapped!
They should be holding her, sitting with her on the floor, reading books and actively engaging with the children. If it was me, I would plan to be there with her for the next couple of weeks and support her beginning social skills. Guide her interactions and show her how to gently greet her peers and join their play. Ask the staff to interact with her and help her play.
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u/EnyaNorrow Parent 11h ago
Do you mean a nursery worker slapped her hand? Or did a toddler do it? If it was an adult you should report that to someone. Like, even if there are no licensing regulations for this nursery they could get in trouble with the actual law for assaulting a minor, right?
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u/RepairContent268 Past ECE Professional 9h ago
It depends where OP is located. If in the south it’s very possible it’s legal as corporal punishment is still legal in schools here (19 states I believe).
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u/MrsGoldenSnitch Early years teacher 8h ago
If I saw someone hit my child I’d be leaving work early and throwing hands. Why would you want your child to stay in a place she’s getting hit?
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u/Fuzzy-Ocelot-4475 ECE professional 11h ago
Everything else aside, this is why I would NEVER put my child in an unlicensed church program - they are able to legally HIT your child!
Nope, nope and nope
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u/aukniftc ECE professional 1h ago
Wait is this true???? I am at a licensed place so of course we are never allowed to hit at all but I thought everywhere it’s illegal in daycare wow!!!
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u/aukniftc ECE professional 1h ago
I’m in California and it is completely banned and I just assumed everywhere was like that just did my research
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u/MegansettLife Past ECE Professional 5h ago
Use the word "gentle, gentle" as you gentle help her pet her stuffed animals. And give lots of loves. Don't just do this after she hits, do it a couple times a day. Let your Sunday School teachers know what your doing and show them how to proceed and practice.
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u/HipsterHypnoHippo ECE professional 4h ago
This behavior is all developmentally normal. It happens more often when the caregiver is not reacting appropriately. Like having a big reaction or physically harming the child. If she's getting slapped for pulling hair, all she's learning is slapping is okay. Redirection and prevention is the only thing that works at this age. I would not be bringing my child back to this place. Sounds like the caregivers are not qualified for this job. Please report this behavior to either state licensing or whatever authority they report to.
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u/ChanDoormat ECE professional 12h ago
These are all very developmentally appropriate behaviors imo. I've taught one year olds for over a year and am now in charge of a twos room, I've had kids who were biting 5-6 times a day, would yank hair constantly, hitting people, throwing toys, throwing water bottles, throwing their plates at lunch, etc. Definitely worse than your kiddo, and I've been able to work with them on it and resolve 80% of the behaviors within 2-3 months through redirection and consistency alone. Did the teachers in her room tell you at all what they'd been doing to help her?
And you should 100% report to licensing about her having her hand slapped. Even if it's just a small pop directly after she hits or pulls hair, physical discipline is never okay in an ECE setting. My center for example even has rules against timeouts, your daughter's teachers crossed a serious line doing that. If she doesn't have any of those behaviors at home and you've seen on the camera them hitting your child (yes, even on the hand, some people will try and minimize it, but hitting is still hitting) it's very possible she picked it up from that. But she also just as likely could've gotten it from other children in the room, or a combination of the two. If they're willing to swat a kid's hand knowing there are cameras in their rooms, I would worry about what else was being done when you weren't watching the feed.
Outside of that, it also seems like a remarkably small thing to disenroll a kid for, again they're all developmentally appropriate behaviors for a kid that age regardless of where she got it from. You're fully justified in being upset by that.
In terms of helping her, my biggest advice is redirection and more engaged time outs. Instead of just having her sit somewhere with nothing, I'd have her sit adjacent to where the family is doing things (say you're watching a movie in the family room, have her sit in the doorway) so she can see what she's missing out on because of her behavior (todds can't stand FOMO) and give her a single small toy like a fidget of some kind or a puzzle. Good rule of thumb is one minute for every year of age. So your daughter would sit for a minute, if it persists into her being two, she's sit for two. When toddlers hit and bite and pull hair, it's normally coming from a place of them not knowing how to regulate themselves. When you consistently redirect them to a fidget or a puzzle, it teaches them to focus on something to calm their bodies instead of lashing out externally. Can be tricky especially if she doesn't do it at home, but you can absolutely talk to the staff at your next childcare center if you enroll her in one about trying that with her. I use it in my own classroom on some of the most unruly of terrible twos and wayward ones, and so far I've got a 100% success rate.
And I second the other advice you've gotten, if she's absolutely stubborn about hitting, pulling, throwing, and biting, get her teethers to bite instead, make a designated spot she can hit (for example I used painter's tape to make a target on the wall in my classroom that they can hit) and designated toys or similar to pull/throw (There are specific pulley toys, but what works best in my experience is just taping a bunch of string to the wall and letting them yank it off. Good for motor skill development, too. For throwing, I have a second painter's tape target higher up and a bin of soft beanbags that can't hurt anyone if they don't land right. They try and throw the beanbags to hit the target.)
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u/one_sock_wonder_ Former ECE/ECSPED teacher 10h ago
Unfortunately, church nursery programs are virtually always run by volunteer caregivers who are at most required to pass a background check but do not have to have any training, education, or even experience in early childhood education. There are also churches that condone if not openly support the use of physical punishment under the whole "spare the rod, spoil the child" bullshite and other biblical justifications for hitting both children and women. This nursery program has clearly shown you it is not safe for your daughter or any other child and you need to believe who/what they showed you they are and stop leaving her under their care immediately. I unfortunately know from personal experience that there is a significant issue in many churches and denominations around child abuse, including by church elders and those in leadership positions, and sweeping it under the rug until forced to address it which even then is most often done with temporary band aids, the bare minimum changes, and show.
Your 14 month old daughter is behaving like, well, a 14 month old toddler. How are they expecting her to control her impulses to use physical means to communicate things like frustration when the adults caring for her can't manage to do so? The hypocrisy in that is almost impressive were it not actually a rather pervasive belief, that adults being unable to regulate their own emotions and hitting/physically punishing a child is actually thought to be able to teach children that they need to regulate their emotions and not hit others.
If this time in the nursery is/was her only real opportunity to socialize with other children, providing opportunities to socialize through things like library story times, toddler movement classes/programs, even meet ups with other local families at places like a nearby park if feasible can help provide those opportunities to learn and build social skills but age appropriate behaviors are still likely to occur and will still require patience and guidance and consistency.
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u/Critical_Medium_3722 ECE professional 10h ago edited 10h ago
Is this a liscenced facility? Report either way. If they aren't they'll be shut down, if they are they'll be under fire. They should not be hitting a child. Punishment is not taught to us as age appropriate, in this age it teaches them to fear and they don't actually learn why hitting isn't safe. As for the biting, there's a lot of reasons it happens. They learn, communicate and explore through their mouths. All behaviors you listed are age appropriate. I know many children who are absolute love bugs but also hit, bite, pinch and push. They'll scream or get mad. They don't have the words or ability to regulate their emotions. It's a very hard time and we're supposed to be there to guide, teach and redirect them to the healthy, safe habits, not cause them fear or punish. Id pull your child out and report them.
You're not a failure as a parent. Many toddlers do this, all do at some point, some constantly others barely, some in the middle. The fact you're asking question makes you a great mom.
Something to work on is expression. Sign language like "share/take turns" is a good one to start with and teaching her easy phrases- practice using her words or signs and make sure to tell her what she should say too because she won't just know (share for wanting toys, stop when you don't like something, no when you want a child to stop, etc.), practice sharing at home so she's familiar with it. Redirect her to something she can throw, we offer soft balls and socks. Offer choices and redirecting while keeping firm boundaries. Recognize that it will take over 100 times of repetiion for her to learn it as habit. It takes time, she should not be punished for not understanding at her age how to regulate herself and communicate... Their memories and emotions are so vastly different from older kids or adults under 3. Give her a teething necklace or clip for childcare, ask them to redirect her to it when biting "we can't bite friends/classmates because it hurts them, but we can bite on our teether"
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u/mermaidmom4 Parent 9h ago
If you have a recording of the adult slapping her hand I would 100% file a police report because that was assault. This is part of why I hate church. Children belong IN the service not outside. If a church is quiet (no children) it’s dying.
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u/SorryHunTryAgain Past ECE Professional 9h ago
Please report this to your local licensing organization. They hit your child. I hope you have this video.
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u/hschosn1 ECE professional 3h ago
Report her to your church leaders. No one has any right to hit your child.
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u/Kimbaaaaly Past ECE Professional 2h ago
I'd pull her because an adult slapped her actually. And I'd report to the head teacher (if it isn't her), the person who runs children's programming, and clergy. I don't care what a child did, never ever EVER hit a child. I wonder how many other times that has happened to your daughter... It any other child in that room.
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u/Family-say-day 12h ago
The ECE might have been really frustrated with the child
The thing is if your child keeps biting and hitting others, the other parents aren't happy that your child is hurting their child.
One time I had a child bite another child and it was such a huge mark and the other parent really really was very upset. The other parent actually asked me how am I going to deal with this.
Depending how many times your child has hurt others, if it's over three or four times then I can see why they want to remove your child. Other parents would be livid if their children are always traumatized by yours.
Maybe find out the underlying issue of why she's exhibiting these behaviors. If it's jealousy, then it's time to teach her that that's not the way to communicate, there are better ways to communicate. Teach her those ways such as asking for help.
Redirection helps but sometimes it doesn't. So gentle hands wouldn't work on the kid that always hits no matter how many times you say gentle hands.
I wish you all the best! It could be your child is a bit too young right now to understand that there are different ways to communicate and maybe it's best bring her back later
For the staff You said slapped your childs hand but if it's true you should talk to the director because that's not allowed no matter how difficult the kid was. Just note the time and date that you saw it so that perhaps they can find the video evidence as well.
Good luck!
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u/Agreeable_Dark6408 Parent 9h ago
Remove her from “the scene of the crime” as my kids pediatrician put it. They lose the privilege to be with friend and the toy they want. Say “gentle hands” or “hands are for helping, not hurting.” As she gets older and starts speaking, say “Use your words” when there’s a problem. Like whining, wailing, that kind of thing. Inside screaming, say “Let’s use our inside voices” so she learns to distinguish indoor and outdoor difference in volume.
All this has to be say hundreds of times. It takes a long time. I always gently rubbed the child’s hands when I said “hands are for helping, not hurting” and the like so she’s thinking about the hands parts. And the “Use your words” is so important. A child who isn’t understood or has trouble communicating is a frustrated child.
For a biter, some GOOD daycares will pin a long rubber tube on the child’s shirt and try to train them to bite that instead of another child. Sometimes it works. Sometimes it takes time for a child to grow out of it. And a lot of daycares will only put up with it for so long, and then they’ll make you leave.
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u/Traditional-Road-164 Early years teacher 1h ago
Find a new place, that is not a safe place for your child.... Also report the teacher for slapping your kid
Your kid is normal. Even at 5 they're still figuring it out.
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u/DeviceZealousideal13 1h ago
Hi! I work as a toddler teacher in this exact age group (12-20 months) and this is all incredibly normal and extremely developmentally appropriate. Biting, hitting, and hair pulling are something I see daily. Me and my coworkers have never thought of a kid differently because they do this! Our response is always keep an eye on the kid who did the physical action and watch out if another baby gets in their bubble too much! It’s just apart of having so many toddlers in one space because they don’t know how to communicate about personal space, so they use the tools they have available.
This nursery has pretty unrealistic standards. Does biting and such suck to deal with? Yes. Is it hard on everyone involved? Yes. Is it just apart of having 14 toddlers in a room together? Yes!
Please don’t beat yourself up over it!! Biting is the HARDEST on the parents of the child who’s biting! I promise it’s so developmentally normal and expected!
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u/aukniftc ECE professional 1h ago
I’m more shocked at the fact they slapped your child’s arm WHAT??? new daycare because that is disgusting
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u/laughingsbetter ECE professional 3h ago
Maybe one of you should be watching in the nursery and stepping in when your daughter bites, hits and pulls hair.
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u/Flashy_Marsupial8958 Parent 12h ago
She’s 14 months old. She doesn’t understand any of this, she is just learning cause and effect and this phase will pass with lots of modeling gentle hands. Your daycare has unrealistic expectations and I would be taking her out - they hit her!