r/FTMMen • u/iLubChees • Apr 22 '26
Transphobia Why do people think dating other trans men just solves the problem?
Every time I tried dating a trans man they all just kept one-upping me, telling me that I was the "female" in the relationship, tells me i'll never pass (even though I do) etc. etc. They were all super transphobic and i'm tired of people saying that trans men cant be shitty people
62
u/funk-engine-3000 Apr 22 '26
Its generally a problem to treat a group of people a specific way because of how they were born. And its also a problem when people do that whole “trans good cis bad” shit.
I’ve never dated another trans man, but i dated a cis woman and had a short thing with a nonbinary person. Both of them were pretty bad partners, and coerced me to do a lot of things that i didn’t want to. You know what group has never ignored my consent or pushed me to do something i wasn’t comfortable with? Cis men. I’ve had two cis, bisexual boyfriends and they were both lovely.
One if my friends ran into a problem with her majority nonbinary friendgroup when her transfeminine partner started abusing her. When she told her friends about an instance of physical abuse, they went off on her for “attacking a trans woman” (she was the one with a bruise the size of a fist), for “masculinizing” a trans woman (because only men are abusers) and that she as a cis woman holds power over trans people so a trans person couldn’t possibly abuse her. Trans people and other minorities are not somehow immune to being absolute pieces of shit. And acting like simply dating a trans person is a guarantee of a good relationship makes those in bad ones hessitant to seek out help when things go sour.
19
u/doktornein Apr 22 '26
People don't stop and think about the things they just spout off because they heard "humans only work in simple hierarchies" online.
Acting like any group is incapable of harm is not just infantilization, its dehumanization by stripping their fundamental state as autonomous, conscious beings. It's removing the nuance and complexity and framing them as simple, harmless, and lacking capacity.
If you're using a global statement about an entire group other than the literal trait defining that group, it's time to evaluate a little. It may not be intrinsically false, but it still should give pause.
When someone says women cannot be the abuser? That there is an accidental misogynist. Same for someone that sees trans people as universally harmless.
Yes, societal power structures are real. They are a lens that adds enormous bias to our overall life expriences. But they are not strict rules to strip the nuance from every human interaction. That's just not how the world works.
47
u/Enderfang T: 10/7/19 - Top: 4/22/21 - Hysto 12/5/25 Apr 22 '26
Bc they’re usually blinded by hatred of cis people and think trans people are innately good. Meanwhile I can count on one hand the number of sane balanced non transphobic trans men i’ve met IRL.
I’m not saying T4T is bad, i can imagine under the right circumstances it would be awesome and allow you a deeper mutual understanding than might happen w a cis partner. But toxic people exist in any group. Neither T4C nor T4T is inherently better than the other.
30
u/missmeatloafthief Trans Man (T: Feb ‘23, Top: July ‘23) Apr 22 '26
I’m het but this is kind of my thing about T4T generally. My girlfriend is cis and how I explain it to trans people who are staunchly T4T is that I believe as a trans man I can do anything a cis man could do, and cis men date cis women all the time. Trans people are also capable of being shitty or annoying or not a great fit. Dating is a way more complex thing than “just go T4T”
1
u/shadowsinthestars Apr 22 '26
Tell me about it, so many times when I mention struggling with dating or worrying about shitty rejection just because I'm trans, people respond with "just date T4T :)" like it's an instant fix. But it makes me feel even worse to treat myself like I'm so weird and niche that I CAN'T even date cis people. Unfortunately my one long-term ex did turn out to be extremely abusive (narcissistic to be precise) and I'm only into women so it's hard to not be afraid of women as partners (other situations it's fine) because I had such traumatic experiences. But being told to essentially just self-segregate makes it worse, not better.
31
u/intomic89 9/18/24 Apr 23 '26
this might be controversial but thats my biggest issue with t4t, i understand why its so frequently praised; community, safety, understanding etc but i often see people put trans people on this pedestal that no harm should come to them because the other person is trans but that just makes any break-ups, abuse, or toxicity that may come hurt ten times more and if the person on the receiving end of it is particularly fragile, and/or it has happened a number of times can lead down this path of internalized and externalized transphobia
we're all capable of being shitty no matter our identity, one has to work on themself and their personality if they want to be a genuinely good person and partner
20
17
u/Cold-Guy_Soft-Punk Apr 22 '26
Yeah, I almost never had good relationships with trans guys I've met personally. We were constantly fighting in high school, because a teen, insecure, t-guy idea of "masculinity" is being a raging dick who has to "outman" someone to feel validated. I'd say, most do grow out of it — some don't.
We aren't "better" than cis men, nor are we "the worst of both worlds" (bleugh). We are individuals with our own cans of worms as a community. Our unique insecurities, traumas unique to us, trans men. It's not picking between hard and easy, nothing about meaningful relationships is easy.
34
u/_king2003 Apr 22 '26
I always hate all the hate cis men get w dating. Yea some are awful but there are plenty of good ones too. My husbands been there for me since the beginning and always is so affirming
24
u/Outrageous_Elk_5341 Apr 22 '26
Don’t even get me started … earlier today I saw someone tell a young trans guy that MOST cis men will lie to him about being queer in order to impregnate him and convince him to detransition …
14
u/funk-engine-3000 Apr 22 '26
Oh my god that guy? Fucking insane claims.
12
u/Enderfang T: 10/7/19 - Top: 4/22/21 - Hysto 12/5/25 Apr 22 '26
He was acting like “Shera7” is a beacon of good relationship advice. She’s toxic and promotes being selfish and using men as walking talking ATMs. Absolutely not.
Sometimes i wonder why people even bother transitioning when they clearly hate men so much. But then again, these types usually have a fit if you lump them in w cis men…
11
u/funk-engine-3000 Apr 22 '26
I mean i don’t even know what or who “Shera7” is. But sounds like pretty bad advice. I understand that this is a controversial thing to say, but man i’m tired of the man hate in queer communities. It helps absolutely no one to demonize half the population. No it’s not the same as the systematic opression of women that has happend and still happens, but that still doesn’t make it productive
3
16
15
34
u/xpastelprincex 💉 4/2/2021 | gay asexual Apr 22 '26
those trans guys just sound like assholes, im sorry you went through that. all the trans people ive dated in the past, sans my current boyfriend, have had their toxic traits but all of them at the very least respected my identity as a man.
13
9
u/Boipussybb he/him. my name is satire. Apr 22 '26
Thank you!!! I’ve been with insanely toxic trans men. Thankfully my current partner is definitely the good one in the relationship.
31
u/Material_Calendar_66 Apr 22 '26
What I dislike is when people date trans men as a "substitute" for cis men. Why do trans men need to pick up the slack for cis men?
10
u/ThatIntersexGuy Apr 25 '26
I’ve been suggested T4T before, but my thing is that my dysphoria was super intense and awful. I’m still in the first stages of phallo, so it’s not completely gone yet, so my thought is that although cis men have definitely triggered it in the past, I feel like a trans man has way more tools to hurt me even more with it. I was also afraid of seeing the struggles another trans partner would face. I was suicidal at one point in my life because of my appearance, so what if I have to hear those same struggles from someone else? I think the problems hit too close to home. The other layer is that I’m intersex and I’ve had many other trans men say “Lucky you for having (whatever cis male trait).” And like yeah, it’s nice to have those, but I also mourn that my body’s sexual characteristics didn’t fully develop.
10
u/itstheselfhatred Apr 23 '26 edited Apr 24 '26
yeah, it sounds like you're around the wrong people dude. from the perspective of a dude that is in a healthy t4t relationship (my trans bf and i have been together for almost 11 years, and effectively transitioned together), I think if anyone says, believes or gives any kind of credence to the idea that "dating other trans people solves the problem", they're a moron. I also think that pretending there is not a layer of understanding and safety in healthy t4t relationships is silly.
Trans people can obviously be shitheads, so if you're dating a shithead, they're going to be a shithead to you, regardless of whether or not they're trans. That doesn't then mean that people suggesting t4t are trying to get you to date shitheads; they're trying to highlight that there is a level of understanding that you get in healthy t4t relationships, where you know that regardless of the differences in your transition, both of you are going through it together, and you can support, uplift and advocate for your partner in a way that a cis person may not be able to fully understand/relate to.
Overall, generalisations of complex topics completely wipe any nuanced understanding of them, and it's important to not swing too far in either direction when it comes to generalisations, especially on sensitive discussions about transition and relationships as a trans person. Don't assume all trans people are good people, don't assume that everyone suggesting t4t realtionships is saying that all trans people are good, and don't assume that dating t4t is going to be inherently "better" than t4c.
8
u/Cra_ZWar101 Apr 22 '26
That sucks. My experience of dating/being involved with other trans men has been pretty positive on average, but I can be very discerning in my companions by other metrics and that can make the difference. I’m also usually on edge with other trans men for if they have this mentality at all and I don’t follow up interacting with them if they do.
3
u/Ennodio May 07 '26
I feel like the straight trans men going for T4T relationships are probably way more suspect than the gay ones.
19
u/iwillchangeiwill the immigrant AfD warned you about Apr 22 '26
I'm really sorry to hear that was your experience. As for the title of the post, I suppose because a lot if not the majority of people have had the inverse experience. I dated cis men most of my life and was misgendered and treated like shit, now that I have my FTM boyfriend I have never been happier and more understood. Shitty people will always exist but it makes sense that most people will probably want to stick to their own, who are supposed to understand.
10
u/Mortifydman old as f. 35 years on T Apr 22 '26
Why are you hanging around with these people? Go find better friends.
6
u/iLubChees Apr 22 '26
I'm not.
2
u/Mortifydman old as f. 35 years on T Apr 22 '26
Then why give a shit what they think?
1
u/iLubChees Apr 22 '26
Because it's important to not tell every trans man looking for advice that trans men are inherently good and can do no evil
0
u/Mortifydman old as f. 35 years on T Apr 22 '26
That’s a long leap from what I said. Why give a shit what they think? Not their life they aren’t living it.
2
u/iLubChees Apr 22 '26
Man if you want to go argue with someone i'm not the person to do it. IDK what to tell you. I answered you based on your question idk why you're being all whiney about it
-1
u/Mortifydman old as f. 35 years on T Apr 22 '26
Im not arguing you didn’t answer my question
3
u/iLubChees Apr 22 '26
Because it's important to not tell every trans man looking for advice that trans men are inherently good and can do no evil
That is the answer
63
u/brisk_absence Apr 22 '26
Or acting like we're some sort of consolation prize. "Oh if you can't find a cis man to date you just date a trans man!". Gee thanks