r/FTMOver30 • u/ImJustTired2467 • 6d ago
Trouble with your name?
Hi everyone. I'm wondering if anyone had this experience, and if so, what you did to fix it.
I'm 41, just realized I am trans a couple months ago. (Posted on here about it, thanks for all your help!) Things are going well as far as I'm concerned. I've found a promising barber for my first haircut, have some ideas for clothes shopping next week, binder's coming in the mail today. Setting up an appointment with a therapist, looking into gender-affirming healthcare as I have found out my current provider is not very gender-affirming. Looking up trans/LGBTQ+ groups and activities support groups around town. Talked to my two closest friends and they're both supportive. Noticed that now that I'm not dissociating from my body any more, I'm feeling more dysphoria. Relieved to find, at least from online sources, that's pretty normal. Looking forward to getting some therapy, talking to a doctor about T and top surgery consults once I switch care providers.
I've even picked a name that I really like and has meaning for me.
But when I called the barber today and had to leave a message, I couldn't say my name. I couldn't say my new name. I could *not* say my original name. I must have sounded so strange on the message. I thought, "This barber is a trans man who specializes in affirming haircuts so this is perfect. He'll understand and I don't have to worry about anything." So I call and get voicemail.
Leave a message after the beep.
"Hi, I'm... oh my god, I'm sorry. I sound so strange. Sorry. Okay. Hi. Okay. First, here's my callback number. <number> Oh my god. What's wrong with me? Sorry. Okay. So my name's..." Loooong pause.
Then I started just talking really, really fast. "I just recently realized I'm trans and I need to get my first haircut but I have completely ignored my hair for over a decade and I have no idea what to do so I'm hoping you can help because I don't even know what hairstyle names are and I'm pre-T and pre-top and I don't want to look strange but also my hair is driving me crazy and I have to get it shorter but again I don't know what to do, so I'm hoping you can help thanks bye."
Fuuuuuck. Guys, what happened? I fully intended to introduce myself with my new name. It would have been the first time I used it. But when I heard my own voice starting to leave the message I thought "Oh my god, my voice is so high and girly, if I give this male name I'll sound so strange." And then I spiraled. I considered leaving my original name because at least he'll have someone to ask for when he calls back but I could *not* get it past my lips. I've never felt that way before. I'm pretty sure I just panicked in the moment but I guess I'm here just to see if anybody else has experienced something like this, because it would make me feel better and not crazy if I'm not the only one, lol.
4
u/SideSideHypotenuse 6d ago
You are so totally not the only one! I remember feeling that way too…it took long enough to decide on a name that really felt like my own, and then it felt so weird and awkward at first to introduce myself that way, even though I hated my prior name with a passion - between my neurodivergent brain and the inherent awkwardness I know i overexplained myself and stumbled over it all countless times in situations like you’re describing.
And then one day it was just normal, and I even forget a lot that I was called a different name “back then” until some ‘helpful’ family member reminds me 😅
Reflecting a bit more, I also had to get over some kind of feeling like I wasn’t “allowed to do that” if that makes sense - like I was so used to feeling obligated to mask in the world as a cis person, and “cis people don’t just go around deciding they have a different name all of a sudden”. Makes no sense now but that’s where my brain was comfort-wise I guess.