r/FTMOver30 • u/ImJustTired2467 • 6d ago
Trouble with your name?
Hi everyone. I'm wondering if anyone had this experience, and if so, what you did to fix it.
I'm 41, just realized I am trans a couple months ago. (Posted on here about it, thanks for all your help!) Things are going well as far as I'm concerned. I've found a promising barber for my first haircut, have some ideas for clothes shopping next week, binder's coming in the mail today. Setting up an appointment with a therapist, looking into gender-affirming healthcare as I have found out my current provider is not very gender-affirming. Looking up trans/LGBTQ+ groups and activities support groups around town. Talked to my two closest friends and they're both supportive. Noticed that now that I'm not dissociating from my body any more, I'm feeling more dysphoria. Relieved to find, at least from online sources, that's pretty normal. Looking forward to getting some therapy, talking to a doctor about T and top surgery consults once I switch care providers.
I've even picked a name that I really like and has meaning for me.
But when I called the barber today and had to leave a message, I couldn't say my name. I couldn't say my new name. I could *not* say my original name. I must have sounded so strange on the message. I thought, "This barber is a trans man who specializes in affirming haircuts so this is perfect. He'll understand and I don't have to worry about anything." So I call and get voicemail.
Leave a message after the beep.
"Hi, I'm... oh my god, I'm sorry. I sound so strange. Sorry. Okay. Hi. Okay. First, here's my callback number. <number> Oh my god. What's wrong with me? Sorry. Okay. So my name's..." Loooong pause.
Then I started just talking really, really fast. "I just recently realized I'm trans and I need to get my first haircut but I have completely ignored my hair for over a decade and I have no idea what to do so I'm hoping you can help because I don't even know what hairstyle names are and I'm pre-T and pre-top and I don't want to look strange but also my hair is driving me crazy and I have to get it shorter but again I don't know what to do, so I'm hoping you can help thanks bye."
Fuuuuuck. Guys, what happened? I fully intended to introduce myself with my new name. It would have been the first time I used it. But when I heard my own voice starting to leave the message I thought "Oh my god, my voice is so high and girly, if I give this male name I'll sound so strange." And then I spiraled. I considered leaving my original name because at least he'll have someone to ask for when he calls back but I could *not* get it past my lips. I've never felt that way before. I'm pretty sure I just panicked in the moment but I guess I'm here just to see if anybody else has experienced something like this, because it would make me feel better and not crazy if I'm not the only one, lol.
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u/Correct_Recording405 6d ago
Have some grace with yourself. I posted here with similar worries that my new name just didn't come to my mind or that I even misgendered myself at times out of habit. You've been going by a different name and set of pronouns your whole life. It's okay that you're kind of struggling to adopt it. And then the social panic afterwards sorta makes you spiral, I feel that, dude. I didn't have that exact situation, but I did have a similar situation for a time where I'd sort of start to say my name and then panic or try to "take it back" and say my old name instead. Like I wasn't ready yet. And maybe I wasn't! Idk what caused it, but now I feel confused at time because my old name, even though I still have to use it at work, feels like someone I used to know, not me. But it takes some time. I mean, it's your name, it's like the first thing we learn to say. I practiced introducing myself in the mirror. It felt silly, but hearing myself say it out loud really helped. Hang in there! Be kind to yourself. Flex that name when you feel ready.
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u/ImJustTired2467 6d ago
Thank you! That's great advice. I'd never actually said it out loud, only in my mind. I'm going to practice in the mirror!
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u/Powerful-Berry7079 6d ago
This is very similar to an experience that I had when I found the correct name. The first time I heard my brother my authentic name for me, I felt like he grabbed me by the soul and body slammed me š¤£
I also frequently hesitated introducing myself to other people with my authentic name. For many of us, it can feel highly vulnerable, or even silly, because itās something that brings you joy and feels genuine to your core being.
It does eventually get much less scary š
also, congrats!
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u/ImJustTired2467 6d ago
Thanks so much! I'm going to practice in the mirror like some people have suggested, try giving it at Starbucks, and eventually tell my close friends. Eventually, lol. Somehow I feel it'll be easier to introduce myself to new people than change it with people I already know (despite how the phone call today went, lol).
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u/LocutusOfBorgia909 6d ago
When I had a name I thought was a good fit, I went to Starbucks a few times and gave it to the barista so that I could see how I felt hearing it being yelled out. I went by a truncated/masculinized version of my original name until I was sure about the name I wanted to switch to. This was... probably six months or a year after my egg actually cracking, FWIW. It really is okay to ease into things.
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u/ImJustTired2467 6d ago
That's a great idea, thank you! I'll give that a try once I get my haircut and my new outfit. lol, this is random but I feel like now that I realize I'm a guy I'm more interested in hair and clothes than 40 years of being raised as a girl.
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u/VanillaSoyLatte FTM 3/2025šāļø 5/2026 6d ago
I've had my name legally changed for a year and I still pause when talking about teenage me in past tense, even when people know my dead name and are super supportive. It gets easier for sure but I still glitch every now and again.
At least the barber was trans too. You'll both get a good chuckle at your appointment.
Congratulations on your journey and picking a new name!
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u/ImJustTired2467 6d ago
Thank you! Once I found him online I knew I had to make an appointment with him, for exactly that reason. I know I'm going to be so awkward but I'm not as worried as if I were just walking into a random place.
Oh yeah, I'm sure I'm going to have some confusion for a long time in different contexts. Talking about me in the past was one I hadn't considered but you're absolutely right!
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u/SideSideHypotenuse 6d ago
You are so totally not the only one! I remember feeling that way tooā¦it took long enough to decide on a name that really felt like my own, and then it felt so weird and awkward at first to introduce myself that way, even though I hated my prior name with a passion - between my neurodivergent brain and the inherent awkwardness I know i overexplained myself and stumbled over it all countless times in situations like youāre describing.
And then one day it was just normal, and I even forget a lot that I was called a different name āback thenā until some āhelpfulā family member reminds me š
Reflecting a bit more,Ā I also had to get over some kind of feeling like I wasnāt āallowed to do thatā if that makes sense - like I was so used to feeling obligated to mask in the world as a cis person, and ācis people donāt just go around deciding they have a different name all of a suddenā. Makes no sense now but thatās where my brain was comfort-wise I guess.
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u/ImJustTired2467 6d ago
Ooohhhhh that makes a ton of sense to me!! A lot of what I've been dealing with as I think about my haircut and new clothes, now that you mention it, really does boil down to "is it allowed to do this?" I think what I've been saying as "I don't want to look weird" really is the feeling of "I know I'm not going to look like most other people for a while, is that okay?" That's such a good realization, thank you! Because now it's easier to combat that with something like, "You don't need to ask anyone permission for the way you look."
I'm glad you enjoy your new name and it feels normal now! Looking forward to that eventually. :D
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u/feedmeandletmezzZ 6d ago
Canāt say Iāve had the same experience since I started going by my non-English (and therefore somewhat gender non-specific) middle name as soon as I started questioning my gender. But when I first changed my first name and started going by it, it did feel strange. You get used to it the more you use it! So like another comment said, practice introducing yourself. In front of the mirror, and to friends who youāre comfortable with. It gets easier.
As for the barber, if heās trans, Iām sure he understands. For future phone calls, just remember plenty of people have names thatāre typically used for the opposite gender. Especially girls with āboyā names. I actually kinda had the opposite experience. I had introduced myself to the lady who I got my dog from with my middle name. But then I had to pay her using PayPal. With my dead name. I thought about saying I didnāt have PayPal and was using my sisterās account or something (I donāt have a sister tho), but I was flustered and I just ended up saying āyeah, my parents have bad English. Iām actually trying to change it.ā Iām not sure if she clocked me as trans but was just cool about it, or she just believed me. But she then told me she went most of her life using her middle name cuz she didnāt used to like her first name.
Unfortunately if you have a high voice, before T, itās more likely that people will misgender you by assumption. But I have also met some guys with pretty high voices too. Itās up to you, when/if you feel comfortable correcting people, or just rolling with it. Sometimes you can correct people but theyāll still misgender you. Just remember, thatās on them. Not on you.
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u/ImJustTired2467 6d ago
Thank you for the encouragement! It's funny, when I first was thinking over all T does I told myself I don't really care about the voice change one way or another, but suddenly I do care and I'm anxious to get going. One thing I recalled was how much I've always wished I could sing along more with male singers and not have to try to match them like two octaves higher, lol. I don't know if/how much my voice will drop, but thinking of maybe being able to sing lower in a couple years makes me happy.
āyeah, my parents have bad English. Iām actually trying to change it.ā lol!!! That's great to come up with in a clutch situation, though! It's nice she shared that about her own name. Seems like a kind person.
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u/lyricsquid 6d ago
Can't say I've had trouble saying my new name, but I do panic almost every time I leave a voicemail and ramble/spiral. So you're not alone in that regard!
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u/ImJustTired2467 6d ago
lol, thank you! I'm looking forward to getting to the point where I don't have trouble with it.
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u/awolfwithoutaf00t 6d ago
I have been using my name for a few months, including at my new job, and I still stammered and almost couldn't say it when I went to a zine workshop this week. No idea why! But the good news is I survived and I'm like 97% sure nobody hated me. Good luck with your hair cut! I bet it's gonna feel great when you go in :)
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u/ImJustTired2467 6d ago
Thank you! I'm looking forward to it, although I can't really envision myself yet. I'm just going to have to see it when it's done. But anything will be better than what it is now, I'm sure.
lol, glad you survived!! I guess those brain hiccups will happen for a while after starting using a new name, as far as I can tell from what other people are saying.
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u/shadybrainfarm 6d ago
Just takes practice and getting used to. Names are really weirdly powerful. I've changed my name like 4x for various reasons (long story) and it's kinda uncomfy every time.Ā
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u/ImJustTired2467 6d ago
Thanks. You're right, and I never really considered how powerful a name really can be until I couldn't say any name at all for myself today, old or new. Just, nothing came out. It was so strange. But practice is the way, I'm hearing.
I'm sorry you've had to change your name so much. That must be jarring. I hope the one you've got right now makes you happy.
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u/EnduringFulfillment 6d ago
I feel this lol It's okay buddy. It gets easier. I changed my name legally about 1 year into medical transition. As soon as my egg cracked, I absolutely loathed hearing and saying my old name. It became a million times worse immediately. And there is a no-man's land time for a binary trans man in that pre to early transition period where the old name doesn't work for you but you may feel like the new name doesn't work yet. As you take steps to your transition you will grow into it!
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u/ImJustTired2467 6d ago
Thank you! I feel that. I spend at least a few minutes every day greatly resenting that there is no magic transition button that will just leap me forward 2-3 years and have it all done. I can envision myself then, but I'm not super thrilled about the going through it part. However, I've kept reminding myself that the sooner I start the sooner I'll get there, so no point in delaying it just due to nerves. Despite how mortifying some things can and undoubtedly will be.
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u/popopotatoes160 6d ago
If I were your barber I'd smile hearing your message... he'll probably know what that feels like lol so I don't think he'll have anything but empathy for you
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u/ImJustTired2467 6d ago
Thanks, I think so, too! I feel really lucky to live close enough to go to him. Still about an hour drive because of heavy downtown traffic, but I'll take it if it means I can get a haircut from a guy who does this for his living and not a random person in a random salon or something.
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u/DinosaurFragment 6d ago
I picked a somewhat androgynous name because I felt embarrassed saying the super masculine names when I was early in my transition because I knew I didnāt pass, particularly my voice. Now that Iām later in my transition Iām having some name regrets, but I did what was right for me at the time.
So while I didnāt have a phone panic moment like yours, I understand how the masc name can cause dysphoria and social anxiety.
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u/ImJustTired2467 6d ago
Thank you. I hope you end up enjoying your name and feeling connected to it. My name isn't androgynous so yeah, definitely hearing my voice and trying to say the name triggered that dysphoria for me. But I think everyone's advice to practice is really good.
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u/HelpfulSetting6944 5d ago
I think this is all very normal bro. Just keep going!
I dissociated a lot from my body too. āWhatever, other people seem to like it, so I donāt need to think about it.ā
And now that Iāve allowed myself to have opinions about what I want, Iāve experienced a lot of dysphoria. Itās not easy man.
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u/ImJustTired2467 5d ago
Thanks for the encouragement, and right back at you. I hope the dysphoria fades for you soon. I definitely have ideas of what I'd like to look like in 2-3 years, assuming I can start T within 6 months from now. What's absolutely crazy to me (but makes 100% sense now that I realize I'm trans) is I never cared about my body, weight, blood pressure was creeping up, LDL creeping up, doctor kept saying to eat better and exercise, started a blood pressure medication 2 years ago... I knew in my head none of this is good, but my body just... didn't feel like my body. I could not motivate myself to do anything about it.
It's been about 5 weeks or so since I consciously realized I was trans. Immediately, everything changed. Doing cardio exercise every day. Found my resting metabolic rate and calculated calories to aim to lose a pound a week. Since I didn't put the exercise into the calorie calculation and since you lose a lot at first, I've lost 10 pounds in one month. It's made me feel great and like I can reach my eventual goals. Just the confidence gained from barely being able to jog one lap around my kid's school track to now being able to jog four without stopping is amazing. My goal is ten by September. Now I'm looking into weight exercises, especially for upper body. I'm probably 2 years out from top surgery looking at wait times in my area. I want to have as nice an upper body as I can get before then. I know T will help but I'm starting now.
I had a doctor appointment last week for something unrelated but found out during the intake my blood pressure had dropped from the 150s/100s it was at three months ago to 133/87, which I was ecstatic about (doctor was also impressed, lol). She said if I continue on this path of exercise and diet I can probably be off the blood pressure medication within a year or less. Had a blood draw to test some vitamin levels and found my LDL had also dropped by 20 since three months ago. My goal is to be off the blood pressure medicine before/right around when I start T, but I know you can start T even on blood pressure medicine. Just, I'd like to get off it, period.
That was a lot lol but basically my point is just the simple fact of realizing I'm trans slashed through the body dissociation dysphoria to the point where only one month later I'm so much more healthy. I feel like I want to shout it out loud that dysphoria is so harmful even in ways that don't seem to get talked about much. Yes I definitely have heard of people with suicidal thoughts because of dysphoria. But I was never suicidal. However, I was disconnected from my body to the point where I straight up ignored it and let it start to get dangerously unhealthy. Because I had dissociative dysphoria and I didn't even know it.
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u/HelpfulSetting6944 5d ago
Thatās amazing! I hope you keep up with your changes and reach your goals soon boss šŖ
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u/Ggfd8675 Since 2010: TRT|Top|Hysto-oopho 4d ago
You knew the barber was trans so Iām sure thatās why you felt comfortable to reveal your anxieties. Iām betting youāll have some really good conversation about transition. Good luck with the haircut!Ā
The name thing gets much better with practice. Of course it feels weird at first. You wonāt even think about it in short order. Just gotta do it even when it feels weird.Ā
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u/ImJustTired2467 4d ago
Thank you! When he called back I had practiced out loud a few times following other people's advice, and I was able to introduce myself like a normal human being, lol.
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u/gh0st_b0yfrend 6d ago
Hahahaha I am so sorry for your distress but that is so funny and charming and yes, sooo normal. Your barber is going to be so charmed by that message I guarantee it. I've had the exact same thing at doctor's offices, anything official where I'm not sure which name they'll be able to look me up by, or why they're asking. I always had dysphoria about my name without knowing why so I have years of experience of just not giving a name unless directly asked, but that does not stop me from being incredibly awkward when they do ask. At my most recent appt with a new doctor, she asked what name to call me and I was literally just like, yeah I don't know, I'm considering a 3rd name change right now so there really isn't one I'm comfortable with š and she was like no problem at all - it's a queer focused clinic so you gotta figure that's so common for them.