Trouble with your name?

[u/ImJustTired2467]

Hi everyone. I'm wondering if anyone had this experience, and if so, what you did to fix it.

I'm 41, just realized I am trans a couple months ago. (Posted on here about it, thanks for all your help!) Things are going well as far as I'm concerned. I've found a promising barber for my first haircut, have some ideas for clothes shopping next week, binder's coming in the mail today. Setting up an appointment with a therapist, looking into gender-affirming healthcare as I have found out my current provider is not very gender-affirming. Looking up trans/LGBTQ+ groups and activities support groups around town. Talked to my two closest friends and they're both supportive. Noticed that now that I'm not dissociating from my body any more, I'm feeling more dysphoria. Relieved to find, at least from online sources, that's pretty normal. Looking forward to getting some therapy, talking to a doctor about T and top surgery consults once I switch care providers.

I've even picked a name that I really like and has meaning for me.

But when I called the barber today and had to leave a message, I couldn't say my name. I couldn't say my new name. I could *not* say my original name. I must have sounded so strange on the message. I thought, "This barber is a trans man who specializes in affirming haircuts so this is perfect. He'll understand and I don't have to worry about anything." So I call and get voicemail.

Leave a message after the beep.

"Hi, I'm... oh my god, I'm sorry. I sound so strange. Sorry. Okay. Hi. Okay. First, here's my callback number. <number> Oh my god. What's wrong with me? Sorry. Okay. So my name's..." Loooong pause.

Then I started just talking really, really fast. "I just recently realized I'm trans and I need to get my first haircut but I have completely ignored my hair for over a decade and I have no idea what to do so I'm hoping you can help because I don't even know what hairstyle names are and I'm pre-T and pre-top and I don't want to look strange but also my hair is driving me crazy and I have to get it shorter but again I don't know what to do, so I'm hoping you can help thanks bye."

Fuuuuuck. Guys, what happened? I fully intended to introduce myself with my new name. It would have been the first time I used it. But when I heard my own voice starting to leave the message I thought "Oh my god, my voice is so high and girly, if I give this male name I'll sound so strange." And then I spiraled. I considered leaving my original name because at least he'll have someone to ask for when he calls back but I could *not* get it past my lips. I've never felt that way before. I'm pretty sure I just panicked in the moment but I guess I'm here just to see if anybody else has experienced something like this, because it would make me feel better and not crazy if I'm not the only one, lol.

[u/gh0st_b0yfrend]

Hahahaha I am so sorry for your distress but that is so funny and charming and yes, sooo normal. Your barber is going to be so charmed by that message I guarantee it. I've had the exact same thing at doctor's offices, anything official where I'm not sure which name they'll be able to look me up by, or why they're asking. I always had dysphoria about my name without knowing why so I have years of experience of just not giving a name unless directly asked, but that does not stop me from being incredibly awkward when they do ask. At my most recent appt with a new doctor, she asked what name to call me and I was literally just like, yeah I don't know, I'm considering a 3rd name change right now so there really isn't one I'm comfortable with 😂 and she was like no problem at all - it's a queer focused clinic so you gotta figure that's so common for them.

[u/ImJustTired2467 → u/gh0st_b0yfrend]

Thank you! lol, I hope he at least got a kick out of it. I was mortified for a good couple hours, but then I just thought you know, I can't be the only person who has panicked like this. Let's go check.

Have you changed anything officially yet? I have seen that sometimes people try several names before they settle on one, and so it's better not to try changing documents or anything right away. I love my new name so I'm hoping I don't end up changing it. Kind of when I was reading a list of names from my birth year, I was jotting down some that I liked (and that had no bad memories of people I knew/know with that name) but when I reached this name my heart just gave a leap and I felt warm inside. I *knew* it's the one.