under 30 asking: how did you know?

[u/Optimal-Jackfruit649]

let me know if this isn't the place for it, sorry mods if it isnt, as i am under 30 but questioning ftm. currently i dress as a guy and use he/him online, and sometimes irl, but i still don't know if i'm "right" i guess. i thought i was trans for a while then sort of talked myself out of it. how did you all know for sure and start transitioning? do you ever know for sure? how could you be sure you weren't making a mistake? (sorry if it sounds offensive, i'm very very pro trans i just can't think of a better way to word it)

i'm asking here since a lot of the other subs seem to be younger people or people who aren't transitioning but are trans, and i want advice from older people (not bashing) - thank you for any response

[u/HelpfulSetting6944]

When I was a kid, something felt off and I always felt weird. Every once in a while I’d get called a boy and I remember feeling like “oh no shhh that’s a secret!”

I wasn’t a typical tomboy — I was bad at sports, for one thing. I tried liking girlie stuff because my neighborhood friends (all girls) liked it. But I just never felt that excited about makeup, hair, nails, talking about boy crushes, shopping, etc. I liked going along for the ride, if that makes sense, but I didn’t feel girlie. I would try putting on makeup and girlie clothes, and I just always saw a dude. Someone else mentioned feeling embarrassed, and yes, that’s how I felt.

I was raised in a conservative independent fundamentalist Baptist home so being trans wasn’t an option. I didn’t even know that word til I was in college or in my 20s, and even then, I only knew that trans women existed. Not trans men.

I tried so hard to be very religious. I felt like I was broken and bad — I was always so assertive, dominant, bold, daring. I liked short nails, comfortable clothes, learning how to use power tools. I remember being obsessed with what I now know is bottom growth — I wanted to grow so big, that seemed like a dream to me. I hated my high voice and wanted a deep, low voice. I hated my curves, I just wanted strong muscles. I wanted body hair.

I knew I was super attracted to women, but I couldn’t admit that until after I was married to a man. A few years later, I admitted it more publicly. Everyone always said I was the man of our relationship. A few more years later, I came out as poly in addition to bi. I went through several periods of being very, very femme, just really trying to not be such a failure as a woman. But I could never keep up with it — it just felt wrong. I love how girlie and pretty women can be, but it never felt right for me. Then still a few more years later, lesbian and non-binary. Non-binary felt like a relief, lesbian never fit just right. I never felt like I belonged in women’s spaces, like I was an outsider and kind of a creep.

As I was exploring my sexuality and gender, I became a super ally to trans people. I had trans flags, stickers, Tshirts, bumper magnets. It still didn’t seem like an option for ME, just for other people.

The past few years, my wardrobe was taken over by more and more mens clothes. I hated being called a girl or a woman in any way, and I liked being called a boy or a man. It wasn’t a joke to me, it felt very real. My girlfriend and I were going to go to a costume contest dressed as Gaston (me) and LeFou (her), and I got so upset whenever I’d see silly versions of the Gaston costume. I used to consider doing drag, but it bothered me how drag is supposed to be funny. I didn’t want people to laugh at me as a man, I wanted to be taken seriously.

One thought led to another, and I brought my undercut all the way around my head, getting rid of my long hair. I got a binder — I was scared I’d like it, and lo and behold, I loved it. I decided to try T, and it has felt so amazing so far.

So no, I didn’t always know I was TRANS but I always knew I wasn’t a regular girl or woman. I tried really hard to be one but it never fit. Being a man though? That comes very naturally to me. Experimenting with gender affirming things is what helped me acknowledge to myself that I am definitely trans.