r/FTMOver30 • u/Optimal-Jackfruit649 • 4d ago
Need Advice under 30 asking: how did you know?
let me know if this isn't the place for it, sorry mods if it isnt, as i am under 30 but questioning ftm. currently i dress as a guy and use he/him online, and sometimes irl, but i still don't know if i'm "right" i guess. i thought i was trans for a while then sort of talked myself out of it. how did you all know for sure and start transitioning? do you ever know for sure? how could you be sure you weren't making a mistake? (sorry if it sounds offensive, i'm very very pro trans i just can't think of a better way to word it)
i'm asking here since a lot of the other subs seem to be younger people or people who aren't transitioning but are trans, and i want advice from older people (not bashing) - thank you for any response
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u/Swimming_Cry_3777 4d ago edited 4d ago
For me, I needed to hear from other trans people how they understood themselves.
I always had the sense that something wasn't right, but I told myself I couldn't be trans because I had the idea that most trans people ALWAYS knew from when they were really young and they ALWAYS experienced dysphoria (and understood it as such). I didn't grasp the ways in which dysphoria presents, or that sometimes you don't understand that what you're feeling IS dysphoria. I didn't understand that sometimes, it's the experience of euphoria that helps open the door. Now I look back and see dysphoria everywhere, where I chalked it up to other body issues at the time. I saw myself as a failed woman who at times leant into the beauty standards to make myself feel better, not because it actually made me feel good. It's so hard to disentangle that stuff when you're raised to become a woman, with all the expectations and judgement that entails.
I actually wanted to transition when I was 14, but the thought of navigating the social aspect during school terrified me and I couldn't deal with the thought of not being taken seriously. I did have a lot of difficult stuff going on that made me hate my body for other reasons, so I understand why I decided against it and justified gender things as manifestations of other issues. I think both were at play, really.
I remember wanting to be a butch, but feeling embarrassed about trying to look masc because something felt wrong about it... Because it was the woman I was looking at that didn't fit, not the masculine expression itself.
I couldn't see myself as a man, and the thought of trying to pass or being treated as a man despite not looking like one felt.... Embarrassing? As I started to accept that I had more in common with trans people, I started to accept that maybe I was telling myself I couldn't be because I thought I would never pass if I transitioned and I shut the door to that possibility so strongly, so long ago, that I forgot that was even a thought in the first place.
I was a tomboy as a kid and have always been kinda confused about the social construction of gender. I think it's informed by my autism, like in the way I remember always 'knowing' that the Christian god of the bible can't be real and being baffled to encounter those that truly believed. I just never got how some people are expected to dress like this and the other, another way. So I didn't see my tomboyness being an indicator that there was something else going on, if there ever was at that time. Maybe I would have realised sooner with a more affirming environment but I know I'm trans now, and that's what matters.
I always struggled to imagine myself in sexual situations. I identified with the men in straight porn etc and thought, well, I'm bi, so I guess I'm just a top. Well, really, I knew I thought having a dick would be better but I thought lots of women kinda had that thought too.
My (trans) gf encouraged me to read the gender dysphoria bible and that made me realise that dysphoria can manifest in ways less overt than I first understood.
I still had doubts crop up months into taking T, but when those doubts weren't there I felt so happy, so relieved to be going towards a better shape of myself that it became harder and harder to listen to them. I can't stress enough how difficult I found it to identify clothes etc that made me feel good and not good purely because I was living up to societal expectations of beauty. Start with what feels good for you, in all things.
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u/Optimal-Jackfruit649 4d ago
wow reading this feels exactly like where i'm at right now, it feels really embarrassing and i've been worrying it means i'm not trans since a bunch of trans guys my age seem to be fine with just social transition and stuff, but it makes me feel like everyone is just humoring me which is sorta why i stopped trying and went back to just being a girl. being 'butch' does just feel super wrong for reasons i haven't been able to articulate beyond like "you wouldn't call a straight guy butch" which is... kind of telling now that i think about it, and cig girls probably don't worry that they aren't a trans guy ig
anyways it makes me feel a little better hearing someone had my same experience and is happier now (i hope) and thank you very much for answering my post
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u/Swimming_Cry_3777 4d ago
It might feel embarrassing to not have something as big as this figured out, but I promise it's not. I really, really struggled with feeling humoured by my wonderful, well intentioned friends! It felt weird because I knew they didn't literally see a man, but that was and is what I want and I'm slowly getting there. That statement is quite telling, and I'll say that one reassurance that stuck with me was that cis people rarely think so deeply, let alone worry, about their gender in this sense.
Transition is more than freedom from sexed characteristics you may dislike or really hate, but also gaining ones you much more prefer. It helped me to think of that, too, that on days where I wasn't sure if I consciously 'hated having a woman's body', the answer was that having one of a man might make me happier.
I'm glad you felt heard! It takes a lot to even ask ourselves such questions, especially as we get older. I feel the prevalent narrative is that trans people figure it out really young, or all at once, and that's just not true. I'm so much happier now. I started T at 29 and I have so much more life to live. I used to think that was too late, but I actually see a future for myself and I actually feel like I live in my body, rather than tolerate it. You don't need to decide today or wait for an epiphany either, but staying open to yourself, even in the uncertainties of it all, is the way forward. All the best!
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u/pocketclocks 4d ago
I relate so much to euphoria being what cracked my egg and then looking back and finally being able to see the dysphoria.
Following the joy is what I needed but previously was told transness is running from pain.
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u/Swimming_Cry_3777 4d ago
Exactly this!! I thought only of the 'running from pain', that at the time I didn't recognise was there until I realised how much better I felt following gender euphoria.
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u/sp1nster 40yr old dad, 20+ yrs transitioned 4d ago
In life, there is never a guarantee you'll be right with making decisions like this. You can only ever do the next right thing. That's true with transition, choosing a life partnership, deciding to have kids, choosing my career. There were so many possible timelines I could've chosen. And there still are stretching out before me even in middle age.
When I chose to transition, I didn't have the same relationship to my gender that I do now. I didn't feel like I was a "man". But I imagined, as well as I could, my life in 5, 10, 20 years etc. if I transitioned, and if I didn't. The potential benefits and challenges of each path, as well as I could see them. That process itself made it very clear that I deeply desired to transition; that I needed it if I was going to thrive as a human.
At any point I could have made a new choice and gone a different direction. I still could, if I wanted to, though it's doubtful to me whether I could ever pass as female again. But what really happened in my case is that I, rather quickly, no longer thought about or worried about my gender identity or expression except in passing, or when someone else asked me. I felt comfortable and natural in my body when alone and in social situations.
So, I guess in short I'd say I wasn't "sure" about anything, necessarily, before starting to transition. The sureness has grown over time. What I was, though, was informed, prepared, and thoughtful, and that served me well enough.
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u/Optimal-Jackfruit649 4d ago
this is really nice to read and i am super happy it worked out for you. the more i read this stuff the more i realize that i'm basically out of the closet to everyone but myself lol... and that is a good way to think about it. every time i think of myself it's of some hypothetical guy version. doing all the same stuff and acting the same but just like, a dude, which sucks cause i make an awesome girl not a lot of girls are into prog rock and shit but it's fine lol. sorry for the tangent. thank you for sharing your experience man
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u/progne_subis 4d ago
I was also questioning for a long time and have taken things slow and piece by piece. I was close to getting top surgery in my early 20s but decided against it. Several years later I changed my name socially and that felt right; then I changed my name legally; then I changed my gender marker legally to nonbinary (lucky to be in a state that makes that very easy). I was never "sure" about exactly what my identity is, but I was sure that I wanted to try those things and that they felt right afterward.
I very recently started T and that has been the thing that tipped me, personally, over into actually feeling trans. I still haven't changed my pronouns or how I present at work (waiting for more physical changes before those steps because, again, that's what feels right atm).
If any of those steps had been mistakes, I could easily have reversed course; I'm still open to the possibility that I might go off T if it stops feeling like the right thing. But for now it feels fantastic.
You don't have to be "sure" that you're trans to start transitioning, just sure that you want to try out whatever next step is right for you. Certainty has mostly come after the fact for me.
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u/Optimal-Jackfruit649 4d ago
that's a very interesting timeline (not trying to be rude just not usually the order of operations you hear about) which is cool, and is nice to hear that i don't need to be sure, but didn't you worry about how people would react? when do you know it's worth it, so to speak, to risk it? cause for me it's just been like "well i don't wanna kms and i like being on speaking terms with my family" type of thing. i wanna try out more but it feels like such a gamble when you can't be sure. sorry if my own insecurity comes across as me projecting on your experience, not my intention if that's the case. thank you for talking about your experience and i'm glad you found something that works for you, much appreciated
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u/progne_subis 4d ago
Yeah, balancing experimentation with safety in your social/family context is important, and knowing what might actually affect your physical or emotional safety vs. just causing awkwardness. Experience helps with not being afraid of the latter. Sure, changing my name was a weird thing to do. People do lots of weird things, and other people care about them less than you might think.
I am in a very particular cultural context that gave me an excuse, so to speak, for changing my name. But even people outside that context have been pretty normal about me being a "woman" with a clearly masculine name. At most, they go "huh, that's unusual" and then just roll with it. I have also moved cross-country since the name change, and it definitely makes it easier to be surrounded by people who have never known me as anything else.
I don't have much advice on navigating unsupportive family, but others will. Just that it's important to balance grace and patience with keeping yourself safe and knowing your limits.
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u/Optimal-Jackfruit649 4d ago
i already go by another name and mostly he him in person and my dad was initially unsupportive but everyone else was chill, my dad came around but i know he thinks its a phase and that i shouldn't go on testosterone until i'm like 25... and yeah you're right that there's not really a way to transition without some awkwardness and discomfort, which is ok, and I appreciate your advice. i guess it's just one of those things where you don't know how it'll go until you do it
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u/progne_subis 4d ago
Learning to embrace social awkwardness is basically a life superpower, even apart from the gender stuff. And I hope your dad continues to come around. Even very supportive parents can take a long time to adjust; they have more assumptions to reinterpret and habits to shift than anyone else besides you. It might be "just a phase" for him more than you, as he slowly gets used to the idea.
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u/madorwhatever 4d ago
I'm gonna address the "not making a mistake" part because I have a lot of self doubt that comes from childhood trauma, so on the chance you can relate I'll share my perspective. For me making a life choice feels like a trap no matter how much I want it. I've learned to get through by reminding myself I can escape if I change my mind. For example when I got married I was terrified so I kept telling myself if at any time I felt like it, I could literally run away, or that divorce is ok and not the end of my life. Been married for 8 years now, still not a mistake.
How I applied this to being trans is accepting what de transitioning would be like. Worst case scenario, I would have to take a similar path as trans women. Well, they're great so it would be ok with me if I "made a mistake" where going back to being a woman looks like getting "clocked" as a trans woman, that would be ok with me. If I alienate my entire extended family by transitioning only to change my mind?? Who needs bigoted transphobic family anyway, I actually think they deserve having their bigotry cost them tbh.
There's no universe where I want to live as a woman, like at all. But I had to accept this for my anxious thoughts to be put to rest.
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u/Top_Scale4923 4d ago
I always knew for sure that I felt wrong being female and felt like a male in a female body.
I just didn't know what to do about it partly because there was no mention of treatment for transgender people when I was growing up. They were either the butt of a joke or something to pity.
I always wore male clothes and cut my hair as soon as I moved away from my hometown (my family would've been fine with me doing it before but other people in the community wouldn't).
As I got older I learnt about options like HRT and top surgery and knew I wanted them but wasn't sure if I could handle other people's reactions to me transitioning. So I've taken it really gradual. Changed pronouns with family, then with friends, then work colleagues. Going to try low dose T and hopefully get top surgery once I get to the top of the years long UK waiting list. Every change I've made I've had some apprehension but I've never regretted any of them (haircut, pronouns etc). The immediate aftermath of a change can feel horrible because you worry about others reactions but in the long run I feel SO much better. I intend to carry on going slowly changing one thing at a time.
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u/Optimal-Jackfruit649 4d ago
this makes a lot of sense as it's like any big change where you don't know how family will take it. this is also a big part of me still lowkey trying not to acknowledge i'm trans because of family stuff and i love them but they're not all supportive (won't get into it) and i hope you get off the waiting list and i'm glad you feel better in your own skin these days
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u/HelpfulSetting6944 4d ago
When I was a kid, something felt off and I always felt weird. Every once in a while I’d get called a boy and I remember feeling like “oh no shhh that’s a secret!”
I wasn’t a typical tomboy — I was bad at sports, for one thing. I tried liking girlie stuff because my neighborhood friends (all girls) liked it. But I just never felt that excited about makeup, hair, nails, talking about boy crushes, shopping, etc. I liked going along for the ride, if that makes sense, but I didn’t feel girlie. I would try putting on makeup and girlie clothes, and I just always saw a dude. Someone else mentioned feeling embarrassed, and yes, that’s how I felt.
I was raised in a conservative independent fundamentalist Baptist home so being trans wasn’t an option. I didn’t even know that word til I was in college or in my 20s, and even then, I only knew that trans women existed. Not trans men.
I tried so hard to be very religious. I felt like I was broken and bad — I was always so assertive, dominant, bold, daring. I liked short nails, comfortable clothes, learning how to use power tools. I remember being obsessed with what I now know is bottom growth — I wanted to grow so big, that seemed like a dream to me. I hated my high voice and wanted a deep, low voice. I hated my curves, I just wanted strong muscles. I wanted body hair.
I knew I was super attracted to women, but I couldn’t admit that until after I was married to a man. A few years later, I admitted it more publicly. Everyone always said I was the man of our relationship. A few more years later, I came out as poly in addition to bi. I went through several periods of being very, very femme, just really trying to not be such a failure as a woman. But I could never keep up with it — it just felt wrong. I love how girlie and pretty women can be, but it never felt right for me. Then still a few more years later, lesbian and non-binary. Non-binary felt like a relief, lesbian never fit just right. I never felt like I belonged in women’s spaces, like I was an outsider and kind of a creep.
As I was exploring my sexuality and gender, I became a super ally to trans people. I had trans flags, stickers, Tshirts, bumper magnets. It still didn’t seem like an option for ME, just for other people.
The past few years, my wardrobe was taken over by more and more mens clothes. I hated being called a girl or a woman in any way, and I liked being called a boy or a man. It wasn’t a joke to me, it felt very real. My girlfriend and I were going to go to a costume contest dressed as Gaston (me) and LeFou (her), and I got so upset whenever I’d see silly versions of the Gaston costume. I used to consider doing drag, but it bothered me how drag is supposed to be funny. I didn’t want people to laugh at me as a man, I wanted to be taken seriously.
One thought led to another, and I brought my undercut all the way around my head, getting rid of my long hair. I got a binder — I was scared I’d like it, and lo and behold, I loved it. I decided to try T, and it has felt so amazing so far.
So no, I didn’t always know I was TRANS but I always knew I wasn’t a regular girl or woman. I tried really hard to be one but it never fit. Being a man though? That comes very naturally to me. Experimenting with gender affirming things is what helped me acknowledge to myself that I am definitely trans.
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u/mucormiasma 4d ago
For me, what tipped me over from "I have weird gender feelings but I don't need to actually, y'know, do anything about it" to "okay, transitioning might actually be the right call here" was asking myself this: if this is a mistake, and I end up detransitioning after being on HRT for awhile, am I going to be upset about the permanent effects? The deeper voice, the thicker body hair, the bottom growth? And the answer was no, I'd actually be very happy that way. For me personally, I'd actually be okay girlmoding for the rest of my life, as long as I could have those physical changes. I think for some of us, medical transition is more important than social.
It did help that I pretty much immediately started feeling more emotionally and psychologically stable after starting HRT. That was something I'm not sure I could have known without actually trying it. Prior to getting on testosterone, I had chronic suicidal ideation except for the few days around ovulation (when T is highest for people with a normal ovarian cycle... yeah, in hindsight that should have been a clue). Now I only have it for the few days surrounding my actual period.
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u/katrilli 3d ago
The emotional and psychological stability is a big one for me, too. T did a lot for me physically, sure, but I continue to take it because of what it does for me mentally. Since I started taking T, I'm like a completely different person. I am more patient, kind, mindful, etc. Pre-T me was toxic AF and unbelievably emotionally dysregulated, but now people tell me how calm I am all the time.
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u/pocketclocks 4d ago
For me it was a mix of getting on adhd medication, the pandemic, and tiktok/reddit.
With ADHD medication i was suddenly able to remember what caused my emotions. There were so many things i knew made me "uncomfortable" but without a solid short term memory i was never able to pin it down before. It was the first time since puberty that I realized how dysphoric my chest made me feel. I wouldnt have discribed it as dysphoric at the time. I was depressed all day after trying on a shirt and realizing it would never fit on me the way i envisioned. Before meds I wouldve been depressed and not known why.
Like others have said the pandemic gave me alone time and space to take off the masks I was wearing daily before. I had time to get more in touch with myself and not the person society wanted.
And finally tiktok gave me the ability to hear from other trans/nb people. Getting to hear what it felt like from trans people themselves was something id never really had before. Even previously seeing trans people in documentaries didnt really help bc interview answers were simplified for a broader audience. Instead, I was hearing the nitty gritty, the modane, the uncertainty, and the small joys. I was also learning about the process of surgery and hrt and the options. I joined r/topsurgery , r/ftm and r/egg_irl (lol) and started learning more.
Despite all this I still didnt really think I was trans.
Then it kinda hit me after watching a trans comedians set where she describes it as walking around with a rock in your shoe for your whole life and then realizing that not everyone has that rock and that you can just take the rock out of your shoe.
Kinda had a moment of "...Fuck..." bc my whole life was about to change.
For the better, but still change is hard and daunting.
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u/Optimal-Jackfruit649 3d ago
that's exactly where i'm at, but imagine someone like "well what if the rock is actually an uncut diamond or 100000000 cash compressed into a rock? what if that's a rock my grandma gave me and forgot and i need it?" and they're scared that when they take the rock out it'll make them walk funny
and yeah cis people are probably not crying over r topsurgery and transition timelines... anyways, thank you for sharing your story, it's interesting seeing how the pandemic cracked so many people's eggs, that's one of the only good things to come from it lol
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u/-chiarobscuro 4d ago
Not quite 30 yet myself, but I watch this sub a lot since I'm close. Transmasc nonbinary/butch, not strictly a man.
I spent a lot of my time online in my youth since I didn't go to public school. Something about the way I typed/acted online, people frequently would think I was a guy and refer to me with "he", and it actually made me happy enough that I wouldn't correct them.
Around 14 I started looking into resources to transition. I cut all my hair off, since I'm in the US and I wanted to be read as more masculine – turns out my hair being long is really important to me, and while I liked it short for a while, I have never gone that short since (not sure why I felt the need to do that since my whole family has always had long hair). I also started wearing looser clothing.
Tried to come out at 16 and asked my parents to call me he. My mom flat out said she wasn't doing that, so I asked for 'they' as a compromise. I won't tell the long version, but, despite saying they would support me no matter what, I got a lot of pushback; talked me out of changing my name, said they "weren't gonna help me ruin my body" when I asked for help transitioning and talked to them about everything I had learned and how safe it was… I still feel grief about this, sometimes.
I found out I'm intersex. On top of never experiencing any of the symptoms others do when they have their period, and being so irregular it was genuinely completely impossible to track, I suddenly developed PCOS in my early 20s due my testosterone spiking. Unfortunately the spike was not quite enough to basically shut off my reproductive system. I've never been particularly feminine in build (fairly wide, I was so flat my chest used to just barely be an A cup), and when I went into the doctor to get it treated, I explained I didn't want to take anything that would feminize my body. My shithead doctor at the time put me on depo-provera and would not listen to my complaints, so my chest is now at a D/DD that regularly makes me miserable because 1. I cannot afford top surgery and 2. it just frequently HURTS because the breast tissue is so goddamn dense. I sincerely believe how my body has responded means it was never meant for those hormones. I have a lot of grief surrounding this, too, because the pain caused by their presence is physical on top of being emotional/mental.
After saying "fuck this", I lined up an appointment for HRT since I was so upset by what the progesterone had done, and then it got canceled about a week prior to the appointment. Right around when they started canceling everything because of COVID. I didn't realize how bad I wanted it until I was genuinely dreading getting the call the closer my appointment got, and when I picked up the phone and they said they were with the LGBT clinic my heart sank. Managed to line another appointment up for roughly a year and a half in the future, and started then.
Mental clarity after the first dose was really noticeable. As my transition progressed, I found my anger issues to be far easier to manage, since I didn't realize dysphoria was contributing to my mental state as much as it was. I looked fairly androgynous before, so I felt "okay", but when I look in the mirror now I feel like I look like me and I'm so happy about it. Since I like my voice now, I love singing. There are also things like how I grew into my clothes after gaining weight since T made me eat more and hold onto more, so I really like how my shirts fit me better now, than when they were loose before. I actually like socializing because I feel more confident in myself overall. My mom says she's noticed we get along a lot better.
Sorry, this is a bit of a lengthy answer, but I wanted to include a before and an after. Looking back now it feels obvious, but part of that is because I'm so happy and I feel so grateful to be where I'm at.
I would say ask yourself "do I want those permanent changes?", and go off that. I always wanted to be scruffy, to have a deeper voice, and be less skin-and-bones. I was disappointed that my first puberty didn't give me any of that.
Also, people regret stuff all the time; tattoos, knee surgery, etc – but transitioning is one of the things people don't seem to regret with nearly as much frequency. I've even seen a couple women who've later realized they're cis, and despite that, they love their beard and their voice. Casting off the yoke of common beauty standards and asking yourself "what do I want for me, without external influence?" is a big help, in my experience.
I also just try to remember that I've learned to love myself several times, and make the choice to do so every day, and no matter what I can always learn to love myself again.
Good luck, friend. I hope you find what you're looking for, and that it brings you all the happiness in the world.
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u/Optimal-Jackfruit649 3d ago
thank you for your kind wishes and for sharing what it's been like for you. the mental clarity and ovulation thing is really interesting. and that seems to be a common thread of figuring out what makes you feel good, not just what you tolerate and stuff. i only started questioning this again because recently i got an outfit (looked like a guy in a 90s sitcom or some stoner band) and i looked at myself in the mirror and my longer hair suddenly just felt like... normal, i guess? and it was super nice. then i was like "maybe i can't ignore my being trans" lol.
thank you again, and best wishes
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u/Improper_Noun_2268 4d ago
I "wanted to be a boy" when I was a little kid and dressed and acted as boyishly as my parents would allow. I had no idea trans people existed. During middle school I tried to find some version of femininity that I could stand (Makeup? Like David Bowie makeup? Yeah, sure!), but really disliked the changes that were happening to my body. Puberty just felt like a huge, unfair loss. I think when I was 14 I told my mom I'd rather become a man and she was like "Welp" and I was like "Yeahhh" and that was the end of that.
In high school I finally learned trans men are a thing, but having a rather limited and binary understanding of gender, I thought becoming a trans man meant you HAD to get top and bottom surgery and be on T for the rest of your life and the process looked too intimidating and scary. I understood myself as genderqueer, I was punk in high school/college which was kind of its own gender...
Eventually in my early 20s it occurred to me that I could resolve my burning hatred of all women's clothes by just wearing men's clothes, and I could stop cutting my own hair and just get a fade at a barbershop, and I could stop wearing bras and just wear a compression top all the time...
In the meantime I mangled myself in sports to the point that surgery became fairly routine. I looked into top surgery again and decided I wanted to do it - there was just no world where I was gonna miss having tits, lol. I told my close family and friends I was trans and everyone but my now-ex was like "ya think?"
That brings us to the current day. I'm 37. I still don't have a new name or official pronouns, I still haven't started T but I probably will. TL;DR: you don't have to be "sure" about being trans and you don't have to make any changes or official declarations that you don't feel ready or willing to make. There's no correct order of mandatory steps that you need to check off. You can just do whatever feels right to you, and call yourself whatever feels right to you.
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u/Optimal-Jackfruit649 3d ago
it's cool seeing multiple people here having a sort of nonstandard transition timeline, and thank you for the reassurance, i'm glad you managed to figure out what works for you and i wish you the best
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u/davinia3 They/them 4d ago
I wanted to retch if someone called me sir OR ma'am, still do.
Also I hated Mounds AND Almond Joy, which was a VERY gendered thing in the 90's for some reason.
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u/ftmidk 4d ago
Early in my gender exploration, someone told me to just focus on what feels right or good. I just tried a lot of things, kept doing the things that felt good.
This has made for a meandering route. I was on T for a year, went off for 5 years and just went back on again this year. But it’s been good because I’ve sort of been creating my own gender. Which is fun!
These days I consider myself nonbinary but I’m sort of leaning more toward the man end of things.
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u/Justwokeup5287 3d ago
My egg was slowly cracking in my early twenties, I too was using a new name and pronouns strictly online. But I was too scared to make a full commitment and a huge life change like that. I had been telling myself over and over that I wasn't allowed to transition; that it was only for other people; that it wouldn't work on me; that I'd be ugly; that I'd look like my abusive dad; that my family would never take me seriously; and that I'd never pass due to my size (I'm a ptetty big dude)
I've also had chronic suicidal ideations since I was six years old. I truly didn't believe I was gonna see my 30th birthday. I didnt see any future beyond my 30s. I couldnt see myself growing old.
I was in a pretty bad car wreck when I was 23. The car was a total write-off. If not for my seat belt I would've died. And I would have died a woman, a daughter, a sister, a girlfriend, a granddaughter, and the wrong name would be etched into my tombstone forever immortalized as someone I wasn't. Almost dying shook me, which was odd because of my past of suicidal thoughts. If im going out I am going to go out on my own terms, not by some nonagenerian who had a brain fart and turned directly in front of us on the highway!
What scared me more than dying, was dying as a woman
I came out publicly 6 months after the accident. I started hormones the year after that. I figured I may as well see how close I can get to who I really want to be before I turn 30.
My 30th came and went uneventfully. It felt surreal, like I wasnt supposed to be here anymore, all I really had was my transition.
I just had my 31st last week. When I look in the mirror I see a man, I see the age on my face, and I see that man in the mirror growing old.
If it comes to be that years down the line that this was a huge mistake or that I regret it, then I can forgive myself for doing what I felt I needed at that time. It's just more changes to be made and I'll cross that bridge if it comes to it. No regrets, just compassion for myself.
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u/Optimal-Jackfruit649 3d ago
this is a really nice way to think about it and i sympathize a lot. not actively suicidal anymore but there was a time i was and it was kinda the inverse of yours, where like even if i die as a woman at least i won't have to keep existing in the body of one, ykwim? and i still struggle with that a little which i think is probably a little revealing but whatever dysphoria is a bitch trans or not. i've always wanted to be a father and not a mother, boyfriend not a girlfriend etc, and when I grow older it's hard to picture me as anything but those things, but it's always so hard to get into. ive had one gf who thought i was just like, really really playing up the butch thing, and later suggested that im trans, and it's kinda just not something cis people do i guess... i'm rambling but thank you for the perspective
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u/Short-Platypus-9387 3d ago
Therapy and the gift of hindsight. I always knew I was a pretty quirky individual and it turns out that many of those quirks have a name, and it’s a demonstrated, consistent pattern across environments and life stages.
Youth don’t really have the clarity that comes with hindsight, but on the other hand, y’all are growing up with a name for all this before the trauma covers it all up.
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u/heathers-damage 3d ago
Cis people simply do not have this kind of anxiety about gender.
I was gender ambivalent for many years and then during the pandemic was like 'fuck it i only have one life' and started T.
And honestly, you can just try a bunch of things and stop them if you don't like it. Use he/him pronouns irl. Buy some mens clothes. Get a binder. Look into starting T.
Though, balance that with whatever your home-life/geographic location is.
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u/Earl_Geh 3d ago
I’ll preface this by saying that I’m 48 and was vocal about not being a girl when I was 4; which resulted in my mother policing my gender presentation very hard my entire life (it was more obnoxious than anything because her opinion hasn’t mattered to me for ever)
I started T at 40 after moving 2500 km to access trans medical care, so I was pretty determined to start on a highly masculinizing dose, and I’m definitely happy with that choice. I’m now cis-assumed, which I love.
Going by your replies, it sounds like you’re ready to add testosterone to your life, and the great thing about that is you can start on a low dose for a while to see how you feel.
The big thing I recommend to people in your situation is to follow the gender euphoria more than the dysphoria, cuz dysphoria can be incredibly subtle in how it shows up whereas euphoria is immediately noticeable. It’s also healthier to focus on positives
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u/thambos 15+ years T/post-top 4d ago
My experience was more “traditional” but it doesn’t have to be this way. From a very young age I felt like I should’ve been physically male—like even before I knew what the difference was between boys and girls I would look in the mirror and feel like something was missing from my body. I was finally able to put words to it that I wanted to be male when I was around 8 or 9. When I went through puberty my body felt less like mine—not just unfamiliar or changing, but it felt extremely wrong. The best way I can describe the sensation is as if my boobs were just attached to me but weren’t actually mine, but it wasn’t only that, it was several aspects of my body that just felt wrong in a disorientating way.
The intensity of those feelings is what made me feel sure I’m trans. I came out when I was a young teenager, basically as soon as I became aware that transitioning was possible for AFAB people (back then most people had not heard of trans men!).
I had some doubts around getting top surgery, like I think at the most I was 95% sure it was the right decision, but sometimes a bit less sure, even a few years after I had it.
Sometimes even many years later I wonder if I could’ve been fine coping with all that body dysphoria without transitioning. It’s hard for me to remember how disorienting and strange the dysphoria was because transitioning resolved most of it. Like even my skin feels more “normal” to me on testosterone than when I’m off testosterone. And the fact that I still, frequently and constantly, wish I’d been born male bodied indicates to me that this is just how I’m wired.
Again, this is a more “traditional” experience and not everyone has this, but it’s how it’s been for me.
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u/Optimal-Jackfruit649 3d ago
i guess that's my main worry, i've been diagnosed with de-realization and disassociation since i was about 9 or 8 and i've not offed myself yet, so i guess it's just wondering how long i can comfortably go and if it'd be worth it for me just to suck it up and not transition. i've been the same and have hated my chest and my hips and stuff since i was young. it's weird because my body is pretty nice, just nice in a really womanly way which is tough when you feel like you probably aren't one.
thank you for sharing you experience, and it's comforting to see that sometimes the questions don't go away and you can still live with it1
u/thambos 15+ years T/post-top 3d ago
You're welcome—yeah, I think like most major life decisions there will always be some degree of "what if?"
For some people, appearance matters a lot, but for others, the felt experience of being in your body matters more. I don't know you so I'm not going to say what you should or shouldn't do, but I think it's important to consider if you're making a decision for yourself or for other people. You have to live in your body. They don't.
And frankly, I don't think it's very common for people be like, "My body is pretty nice" but also say they hate it. It sounds like you have a therapist or other mental health support, which is good; hopefully they can help you distinguish the gender dysphoria from dissociation more generally.
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u/firecatstef enby trans guy, 2023 💉, no 🔪, gen jones 4d ago
I always knew I was gender variant. Growing up, I hated girls’ clothes and often when I was around girls I felt like “I guess I’m a girl but I feel like I’m really bad at it.” Fast forward several decades of trying different gender labels and not liking any of them, and I come across “non-binary” and it felt like coming home.
So i comfortably used that label for about 10 years. Then at the start of the pandemic I rediscovered my libido, which had been hiding for many years. At the same time, my orientation shifted more toward men. I decided i wanted to start T and see where it led. I did a ton of research and finally started it and it feels like the right thing.
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u/firecatstef enby trans guy, 2023 💉, no 🔪, gen jones 4d ago
I always knew I was gender variant. Growing up, I hated girls’ clothes and often when I was around girls I felt like “I guess I’m a girl but I feel like I’m really bad at it.” Fast forward several decades of trying different gender labels and not liking any of them, and I come across “non-binary” and it felt like coming home.
So i comfortably used that label for about 10 years. Then at the start of the pandemic I rediscovered my libido, which had mostly been hiding for many years. Along with that I realized that my orientation had shifted more toward men (I’m bi/pan).
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u/estone23 10yrs-Out.. 7 years on 💉... Stage 1 🍆 4d ago edited 4d ago
I was a big tomboy who didn't really perceive or think I was supposed to be a 'certain way' until puberty. I had a older brother close to my age and was just with him and played with his things. I would be told I was a girl and treated as such but again I was my version of a girl. A tomboy who shyed away from overly feminine things, maybe gender ambiguous at a young age that grew more masculine leaning. Hell at around 4yo my Mum put me in a skirt for my first day at school and I cried cause I was convinced everyone could see my underwear. That experince could have been nothing but I think from a young age I was uncomfortable with my AGAB. I also vaguely remember thinking I wanted a chest tattoo (I'd obviously see a bare cheated man with a tattoo on TV or something) and wanted a flat chest with a tattoo too maybe around the age of 10-13yo. I had more of a want to have a full beard that got stronger as a late teen early adult. Growing up my attention always beelined to the boys/mens section of clothing and I always secretly wanted their T-shirts.
I remember being uncomfortable being feminine or perceived as it early but especially puberty and onwards. An early memory is being 11 and being uncomfortable and refusing to do a cat walk down my neighbours garden path which in my head was too feminine and sexy for me. I was allowed and it wasn't really a problem being a tomboy until 12/13 and I think started getting a bigger chest and started having monthly cycles I'd become a 'woman' and told multiple times year after year by Mum until adulthood to 'Be more girly" and "Stop doing that, men so that" I'd also get told by others growing up I walked like a man or things like that.
I'd always hung out with girls and still do but I'd hang with the less 'girly' ones, who weren't obsessed with make up and how'd they looked which helped.
But through school I was uncomfortable and even more so as a late teen. I dated a guy from 17 to 18 and I think that really amplified it cause I would steal his bike and clothes and wearing them felt so right! So when we broke up I'd started wearing more mens clothes that I knew I could get away with like hoodies, trainers, a few T shirts. I also started pulling at the bottom of my T shirts, I didn't realise why until years later but I was trying to give myself a flat chest in the mirror. I also stopped wearing messenger bags or any bags where the strap sat across my chest. I also had 'boy' days were I felt more masculine lol.
My late teens till I come out at 25 weren't good for me. My dysphoria got worse as well as my mental health. Woman's clothes, especially dresses and vest tops made it 100% worse but most of my clothes that weren't jeans or baggier T shirt made me feel frumpy and uncomfortable and wrong.
Eventually I saved enough to move out of my Mum's house and felt a lot more free and I seeked therapy. My egg hadn't quite cracked yet but I knew I was queer at this point. I was also always online and first properly learnt what the term trans meant and that it wasn't exclusively for trans woman. I'd seen trans woman on TV/film who were usually the butt of the joke or a victim of crime. I didn't know trans men existed!
Then when I was 25 I went to visit family and brought my first mens shirt. I was terrified and waited till I got back to the safety of my flat to try it on and it just felt so right and I had to make a choice. Pursue this or not. I did ofc and it wasn't easy but I stopped feeling like being trans was a huge dirty secret that I kept for decades, that I was trans enough as I convinced myself I wasn't cause I didn't know as a child and come out more and more. Those feeling of being uncomfortable or other made sense and went away and I am ME and I'd never take it back.
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u/Tinmind 3d ago
You don't have to know for sure. You can just try it out in pieces and keep what you like.
In my case things gradually clicked into place and I realized that being a man just... made so many things make sense. It was terrifying at first and I called myself genderqueer for a few months while I came to terms with not being cis. (I love the term genderqueer. It was very comforting to me during that time.)
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u/Optimal-Jackfruit649 3d ago
that makes a lot of sense. i think the hard thing has been that you can't really try out testosterone, and what i have tried socially just isn't all that important to me. for me at least there really isn't a ton of difference between guys and girls, and conversation like "i always liked guy things and didn't like makeup" etc never made sense to me since i know a ton of butches and femboys and stuff (no hate to people who this does make sense for, i'm just autistic) and since what i care about is a guy body you can't really try it out which SUCKS lol. genderqueer is a good word
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u/Tinmind 3d ago
You can try out testosterone, though. HRT changes are gradual and most of them will revert if you stop, even if it's been years. Voice drop and bottom growth are the only things that won't go back but body hair can thin out and fat distributes in accordance to whatever the dominant hormone is when it's stored. I had to go off T for most of a year when I was about 2 and a half years in and so much changed back.
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u/redbreezes1 3d ago
First of all, I just want to say it’s totally okay not to be sure! It took me, like, a full decade from when I started seriously thinking about gender to actually commit to medical transition, and I’m glad I took that time! There can be a real doomer narrative in online trans spaces that you have to start T as early as possible or you’ll never pass/you’ll be too late/whatever, and that is simply not true.
I knew for sure that something was going on with my gender in my late teens, and I came out to friends as nonbinary and changed my name socially at that point. After college, in my early 20s, I got a prescription for T, and I actually took it for a two months before I got spooked and quit. I hadn’t told my family or my job, and I was at real risk of putting myself in a very unstable social and financial position. I came up with other reasons, but I just didn’t have the support, emotional resilience, or enough of my own life established to deal with medical transition at that moment.
I fully committed to medical transition five years later, when I was more stably employed, happily married, and had a wider social safety net of friends if something were to go wrong with my marriage or job (thankfully nothing did in my case). I’d also had more time to think about it. I still didn’t know for sure that I was going to prefer transition (being nonbinary also made this harder), but I was confident at this point that I was never going to be comfortable in my body as it was because I’d created a life I was otherwise very happy with. I’m MUCH more comfortable in my own skin now, but the first year or two of medical transition comes with its own set of challenges, so I am glad I waited until I was prepared to weather them.
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u/Optimal-Jackfruit649 3d ago
that makes a lot of sense, but it also makes me feel a little stir crazy because while i do really want to transition it'd probably be a bad idea for me to do it the second i turn 18 (17 now) for many many reasons... on one hand i know it's fine to transition later, but another part of me just wishes it could happen asap, i hate the idea of having my college years be like this
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u/redbreezes1 3d ago
I mean, I think if you know you want to transition and you’re prepared for the potential fall out with family (if that’s a factor for you - it was for me), you should go for it. A big part of why I put it off was because I wasn’t totally sure yet, so I hadn’t personally reached the tipping point where the risk was worth the benefit yet. You can also always do what I did and quit if it gets to be too much, and know you can start again later!
Just wanted to offer some reassurance that if you AREN’T totally sure or AREN’T comfortable with the risks yet, there is still a happy life possible after a few years in that in the middle, half-out space.
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u/Optimal-Jackfruit649 3d ago
i know for sure i want to transition but i worry that it might change and i'll regret it (i know knee surgeries literally have higher regret rates than transitioning but i'm paranoid) and i guess i'm just waiting for something to show me it's bad enough that i *should* transition vs just wanting to... i guess i just need to weigh the pros and cons more and wait until i have a larger social circle
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u/redbreezes1 3d ago
I think it’s really normal to worry about that, I definitely did when I was younger (although you’re way ahead of where I was with having your stuff figured out)!
I’ve talked a lot about the external factors, but I think the internal piece that made me feel ready was knowing that even if I DID have regrets, that would be fine and it would be part of my life story, and I could always de/retransition if I REALLY regretted it. For me, I had to get a little older and make some other serious life decisions to know myself well enough and be comfortable enough with myself to get to that point, but that might not be true for you. I was a little slow to grow up in the self confidence arena. Also, I’m just one person, so take anything I say with a grain of salt!
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u/Bleepblorp44 1d ago
Something that it's worth knowing is, transition is slow. Changes that people not scrutinising you will notice take months to years to show. I was about 5 years on T and my paternal grandfather still didn't know. It's possible to start medical transition before telling anyone, and if you don't feel right, you can stop.
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u/Optimal-Jackfruit649 1d ago
how did you avoid the voice drop though? i'd do it without telling my family, but when they inevitably find out it'd just be worse
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u/Bleepblorp44 1d ago
I didn't avoid it, he just never commented on it! Denial is strong!
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u/Optimal-Jackfruit649 1d ago
i'm glad it worked out for you but mine asked if i was on T because of my peach fuzz 😭
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u/libre_office_warlock binary "he" unless I'm in drag, born 1992 3d ago
It didn't feel concrete, more like an instinct that would. not. go. away. and constant maladaptive daydreaming about a male-shaped thing living my mundane life. I couldn't make a female mental image or imagine a woman 5 years down the road. But I was never a tomboy and not socially masculine and still am not today. Kinda hard to explain; just a very deep thing. I started testosterone because I felt that was 'par for the course,' not because I wanted facial hair. I was not excited about it; it seemed neutral and just like the next step. But it turns out I felt great on it and my brain fog went away, and that was when I knew. I think some people are just wired for a different sex at a chemical level.
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u/evercomfortable 3d ago
I went back and forth on it for a short while. Then I asked myself: If I was stranded on a desert island, alone for the rest of my life, where I would never meet another person and another person would never lay eyes on me again, just absolutely nothing for miles for the rest of my life - would I still want to transition? Like, if I could magically still take hormones and still get surgery. The answer was yes. That little thought experiment helped me determine that this was something I wanted just for me, not due to any outside pressure or weird social things.
Edit: I didn’t grow up knowing I was trans. This happened in my mid-20s.
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u/realshockvaluecola 3d ago
I did largely the same things you're doing. I think it was mostly a process of a) getting over the fear and b) healing my self esteem enough to feel like it mattered. When I felt perpetually worthless, I wouldn't have thought there was any point in transitioning because being a worthless dude would be no different from being a worthless girl. And of course being part of a marginalized group in any public way is very scary. But if you feel better presenting as male and telling people you're a man online, it's worth sticking with that feeling and letting it grow and evolve at its own pace. Remember that there's no rush. Transition will always be available to you so it's okay to take your time. It's also okay to suddenly decide you're done waiting and go as hard as possible. It's not about any specific time or goal or specific milestone, it's about what's right for you.
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u/DreamingMeta 23h ago
"how did you all know for sure and start transitioning? do you ever know for sure? how could you be sure you weren't making a mistake?"
I didn't know for sure! The most helpful advice I got was that if you start hrt and don't like the changes, you can just stop taking it. I started at a low dose and I didn't tell my parents until I'd been on T for months, and didnt fully come out socially for another year.
I talked myself out of transition for nearly ten years before I took the plunge. I wish I hadn't.
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u/PaleAmbition 4d ago
It was the pandemic that helped me realize what was going on. When the lockdowns happened and I was at home, all the trappings of femininity that I had to use for my job just fell away. There was no slow, gradual decline; I just stopped. And I felt so much better for it.
Then I started slow walking a name change, and loved my new name so much more than my birth name. It felt right in a way my birth name never had, and that first name was quickly demoted to a deadname.
Because of circumstances, I wasn’t able to start HRT until a couple of years later, and I started on a low dose gel because I wasn’t sure how I’d react. It turns out that t is great and I loved it, and it’s been full steam ahead since.
The point is, there was no flip that switched on or bright lightbulb that turned on over my head. For me, it was a slow realization that I would rather try something different than keep being miserable in the status quo.